Maliel Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) In this case after I found evidence, my boyfriend admitted to masturbating to photos of his ex-girlfriend and a long-term female friend of his who he had contended was just a friend. I consider it emotionally cheating because they had known each other for a very long time and built a strong emotional connection. When I confronted him about the friend over the years, he refuted being sexually attracted to her and made it sound like I was being insecure. This all has left me feeling really disrespected and undervalued. I worry that if I forgive him, I will appear as I don't respect myself. I like to think that bad situations can bring people closer however, I have no idea where to begin with fixing what is broken. He no longer speaks to the female friend anymore but he is still friends with the ex-girlfrend. He used multiple social media platforms to find photos of these people and has fake accounts on some just for porn. I am hurt and unsure of what to do. I don't want to have an unhealthy relationship where I am constantly checking or looking into what he says or does. I think I want to work on things but I'm worried the respect for each other is lost after this. I really need advice about this because I've never been in this situation before. We are supposed to be moving in together soon. What typically needs to happen in order for two people to work on moving past an emotional affair? Edited May 22, 2017 by Maliel Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Ouch- If it was some random person, would that make it better? I guess that would be better. Before you move in with him, maybe take it slow. would you and he be willing to go to counseling together and he could also go for individual counseling? Would he be willing to stop contact with the ex girlfriend? I would think that you would need him to do both for your comfort. Do not rush into anything. It does not work if you can't trust him and it is too exhausting to be the police. Hope he wakes up and gets some help and stays away from the ex girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 I'm a little confused. Masturbating to a picture is not an emotional affair. Is there more to it than that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 If it was some random person, would that make it better? I guess that would be better. Yeah.. maybe :/ Before you move in with him, maybe take it slow. Take it slow how? The leases were signed and everything, so there's no delaying moving in would you and he be willing to go to counseling together and he could also go for individual counseling? I plan to bring this up, I feel that he would be receptive of the idea. Would he be willing to stop contact with the ex girlfriend? They don't talk that much but they are friends on facebook, I don't know if saying he should remove her would be correct? Maybe deleting his Facebook altogether? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Walk away you cannot fix this, don't even try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Walk away you cannot fix this, don't even try. Could you elaborate as to why you think it's hopeless? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 I'm a little confused. Masturbating to a picture is not an emotional affair. Is there more to it than that? The one person he was masturbating to was a long term female friend who he had kept in regular contact with throughout our relationship and insisted she was just a friend with no attraction there. It's more about hiding the fact that he was attracted to her. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Ladies, here's a bombshell for you. Men masturbate. Because men are very visual (that's why they like you to wear lingerie) they fantasize when they masturbate (or watch porn). The most vivid fantasies either come from porn or a current or previous lover. A fantasy all by itself is not cheating. If it is then virtually ALL men are cheaters. If you think this isn't true of YOUR man you're wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Could you elaborate as to why you think it's hopeless? Because you are never going to get over this and be happy again with him, that is why. You are going to be at loggerheads over this female friend of his and the trust is gone. How can you sit alone at home whilst he goes out with her "platonically". You are now going to want to lay down the law and he will resent you. Fine, when you believed he was not sexually attracted to her, now you KNOW he is. YOU are also going to be comparing yourself to his ex, as he is essentially still having sex with her in his mind. Some of the men here can go "Oh its nothing, its just normal male behaviour", but most of them would not be happy for their gf to be masturbating to photos of her good guy friend or her ex, especially if he has a big D. Its not quite so funny then, is it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Ladies, here's a bombshell for you. Men masturbate. This wasn't just masturbation. This was masturbation to a long term female friend that you told your girlfriend that you were not attracted to/only saw as a friend for years and became violently angry when your girlfriend accused you of otherwise. Emotional affairs need words and communication? they kept in regular contact for years while we were in a relationship. There were no boundaries in the beginning and this was clearly someone that he wasn't totally over. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 This wasn't just masturbation. This was masturbation to a long term female friend that you told your girlfriend that you were not attracted to/only saw as a friend for years and became violently angry when your girlfriend accused you of otherwise. Violently angry? I am not liking the sound of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 22, 2017 Author Share Posted May 22, 2017 Violently angry? I am not liking the sound of that. He never touched me or attempted to. I was trying to highlight how angry he became on a few occasions, he'd start screaming and just flat out losing his temper. Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Sorry but being in touch with an ex or friend and being attracted to them isn't an emotional affair. I'm sure if we women knew the variety of women that men think about when they masturbate, we'd be horrified. But you can't police someone's thoughts. You two may have differing opinions on whether it's ok to stay in touch with exes. That's fine for you to have boundaries like that. But he may not agree. And it's certainly not an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Agreed that this is not an emotional affair, at least not based on what you've told us. The problem is not that he maturbated to a photo of a friend and an ex. The problem is that he told you he wasn't attracted to her when clearly he was. It's a lie, sure, but it's not even close to an affair. His reason for lying may have something to do with your insecurities/jealousy. You said you "confronted" him several times over the years. What made you do that? Was he inappropriate with her? Why does he no longer speak to her? I feel like we're only getting part of the picture here. Unless he is engaging in inappropriate contact with these women (masturbating to a photo doesn't count) then this isn't anything to worry about aside from him feeling the need to downplay his attraction to his friend. Guys often do that sort of thing to make their lives easier, because they think their girlfriend will overreact. I'm not excusing it, I think it's very weak, just stating why they do it. How would you have reacted if he told you the truth? My H masturbates to pics of his ex. My ex before him also kept pics of his previous girlfriend and masturbated to them. It's totally normal. The reason I know this is because I try to make sure my reactions are appropriate so that my partners feel like they can be honest with me about things. Do you think you're an easy person to talk to? Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 He never touched me or attempted to. I was trying to highlight how angry he became on a few occasions, he'd start screaming and just flat out losing his temper. If he was never violent, then he wasn't violently angry. I'm sensing a pattern here... How did you approach him on these occasions? What would you say exactly, and what spurred your confrontation? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 An emotional affair can be defined as: "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage." I am not sure i would define your boyfriend as having an emotional affair. Is this other woman involved with him in any way other than his looking at her pictures? If you feel that this is disrespectful to you....If you have any doubts abut your relationship...you should not move in with him. You should absolutely speak with him about this and tell him how you feel and what your fears are. His reaction may answer many of the questions you have. You are indicating that he has a temper problem...and you are afraid. It sounds to me like you have several warning signs to pay attention to and address. But do not move in with him if you have any doubts whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 This is no emotional affair. Clearly he enjoys the idea of banging the friend, although I find the picture thing a little odd. He must like her a lot. As for the ex, personally, if I'm going to pleasure myself over a woman I knew in the biblical sense before, I much prefer the movies I have in my head to any photo I might find online - they are far more erotic. Using a picture in this case is totally weird. Maybe he just has a weak imagination, and he needs the visual props. Why don't you give him a picture of you, and see if he can produce similar results? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 It is obviously a long standing issue here, the OP has previously written about this close female friend, a friend which the BF has admitted to wanting to date had she lived closer and the friend in turn dislikes the OP intensely due to the boundaries that have been set up. and I guess jealousy. We may or may not feel there is an emotional affair here, but that is immaterial, as the OP thinks it is and she feels her bf has betrayed her. This female friend, who the OP feels is already far too close for comfort to the bf and is obviously very jealous too, occupies a larger space in this relationship than she should do. NOW the feeling appears to be mutual as HE is now "stalking" her on social media and jerking off to her pics. This is highly damaging to the existing relationship and I guess few women would like to be in this situation. There is "unfinished business" here and that is NEVER a good thing. People in relationships need to feel they are number one, else what is the point? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gemma1 Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 That is completely the opposite of what OP said in this thread. Here she says her boyfriend has always denied that he found the other girl attractive. It seems like he's actually been honest with her all along then. The OP's boyfriend no longer speaks to his friend, so she does not "occupy a larger space than she should." It appears he has removed this friend from their lives, with the exception of the pic, which is pretty normal. I don't think the OP has any grounds for her anger unless there is a lot she is leaving out, and either way she needs to clear up the contradictions in her posts if she wants real advice. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2017 Share Posted May 23, 2017 The OP's boyfriend no longer speaks to his friend, so she does not "occupy a larger space than she should." But there doesn't actually need to be physical contact for a person to occupy a lot of space in a relationship. A person can be thousands of miles away, there may be no contact whatsoever, or they may even be dead and they may still occupy a big space in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 How did you approach him on these occasions? What would you say exactly, and what spurred your confrontation? I would tell him how I felt, I would try not to be confrontational each time but definitely make sure to express my feelings more than anything. No matter what I would say he eventually would only just hear "i don't trust you/want you talking to her" and would get angry at me. It was primarily guilt on his end because I think deep down he knew that he still had a lingering feeling for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 Is this other woman involved with him in any way other than his looking at her pictures? They kept in contact quite regularly. She had a boyfriend the entire time and on her end everything was platonic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 Why don't you give him a picture of you, and see if he can produce similar results? I spent the larger part of a year doing just that. He would always comment that he liked them, etc, but that would be the last i'd hear of the pictures. Why use my pictures when you have all these other girls who don't want you? I guess to some people that's more exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 It is obviously a long standing issue here, the OP has previously written about this close female friend, a friend which the BF has admitted to wanting to date had she lived closer and the friend in turn dislikes the OP intensely due to the boundaries that have been set up. and I guess jealousy. It was that jealousy or lack of attention that apparently drove *her* to end the friendship with them. He was hurt but she pretty much contended that she 'didn't think he was a good friend anymore.' the OP thinks it is and she feels her bf has betrayed her. Pretty much this. He would comment that he would never actually date her in real life because of a host of negative things however, with the emotional closeness they had and his physical attraction to her.. how could I not feel odd about it? I told him years ago that it felt like he was keeping an ace in his back pocket. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maliel Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 That is completely the opposite of what OP said in this thread. Here she says her boyfriend has always denied that he found the other girl attractive. It seems like he's actually been honest with her all along then. My mistake, I'll clarify. He would say things like 'I haven't seen her in ten years.' He would talk about the negative reasons why he would not want to date her. He never flat out said she was unattractive but he definitely did not act like he was still 'stuck on her,' getting angry and impatient whenever I suggested otherwise. The OP's boyfriend no longer speaks to his friend, so she does not "occupy a larger space than she should." It appears he has removed this friend from their lives, with the exception of the pic, which is pretty normal. She ended the 'friendship' however, not him. If the friend had not called and ended the friendship, it probably would have still continued. Link to post Share on other sites
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