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Regarding the Other Man


ZenoAurelius

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ZenoAurelius

My wife initiated an informal separation, and I've got some questions. I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or thinking too much. I know I'm ready to move forward, I'm just uncertain whether I'm making the right choices.

 

My wife had an emotional affair with her boss. I'm not sure if it went further, and as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter.

 

What matters is, part of the separation agreement she wrote up allows for her to continue being friends with him. She even says that her therapist thinks it is a good idea.

 

I haven't met her therapist, and I'm not sure she even exists. I have plenty of reasons to believe she hasn't seen a therapist, but regretably no proof. Regardless, part of the separation agreement was that she continue being friends with the other man.

 

Out of initial anguish, I accepted. I saw no other chance at reconciliation, and reconciliation was what I wanted. So I accepted the separation agreement completely.

 

Now, about a month later, I've come to the conclusion that I do not want to reconcile, unless she cuts ties with the other man. I've told her that, if she doesn't cut ties with him, or doesn't file for divorce, that I will do so myself on June 1st next year. It was written less as an ultimatum and more as my plan, when I wrote it to her.

 

That's a little over a year for her to figure out what is more important to her.

 

So my question is, would most of you agree that she should cut ties with the other man, if her goal is reconciliation? It seems obvious to me that she should cut ties. I can't imagine this situation in reverse, and being allowed to still hang with the other woman. I just can't imagine that being considered OK, by anyone. Am I in the wrong here?

 

And as a followup, have you ever heard of a therapist that would encourage keeping the other man in the picture? I know sometimes they don't want to meet with the spouse, but given the other advice, it seems more like there is no therapist, rather than the therapist doesn't want to meet with both of us.

 

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to be stoic, I just want to make sure I'm not being irrational in my expectation of her cutting ties.

 

If any background is needed, ask away. Thank you again .

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What matters is, part of the separation agreement she wrote up allows for her to continue being friends with him. She even says that her therapist thinks it is a good idea.

 

I'm confused. Is this an informal agreement between the two of you for your own mutual understanding as opposed to a legal separation agreement?

 

I've never seen the latter address "friends"...

 

Mr. Lucky

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<snip>

 

So my question is, would most of you agree that she should cut ties with the other man, if her goal is reconciliation? It seems obvious to me that she should cut ties. I can't imagine this situation in reverse, and being allowed to still hang with the other woman. I just can't imagine that being considered OK, by anyone. Am I in the wrong here?

 

And as a followup, have you ever heard of a therapist that would encourage keeping the other man in the picture? I know sometimes they don't want to meet with the spouse, but given the other advice, it seems more like there is no therapist, rather than the therapist doesn't want to meet with both of us.

 

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to be stoic, I just want to make sure I'm not being irrational in my expectation of her cutting ties.

 

If any background is needed, ask away. Thank you again .

 

No background required. Didn't even need to know you were a man and your wife the WS. It's NEVER OK to keep contact with the AP in any way shape or form. Never. If it's something at work, get a new job. If it's a "friend" guess what? You just lost that friend. No contact is an absolute must!

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<snip>

 

So my question is, would most of you agree that she should cut ties with the other man, if her goal is reconciliation? It seems obvious to me that she should cut ties. I can't imagine this situation in reverse, and being allowed to still hang with the other woman. I just can't imagine that being considered OK, by anyone. Am I in the wrong here?

 

And as a followup, have you ever heard of a therapist that would encourage keeping the other man in the picture? I know sometimes they don't want to meet with the spouse, but given the other advice, it seems more like there is no therapist, rather than the therapist doesn't want to meet with both of us.

 

No reconciliation is possible unless 100% cut off from OM. Period.

 

I've never heard of a therapist who would advise to continue affair under the disguise of ' friendship '.

 

A year is too long, dude! The OM should be have been out the moment affair was brought out and she wanted to stay with you.

 

Sorry to say but you have been fooled.

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You gave her more than a year to decide if she wants to end her relationship with the other man and recommit to your marriage?

 

If reconcilliation is your goal, I would insist that she end contact with the other man, find a new job, and go with you to marriage counselling. And, I would insist that this happen immediately.

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somanymistakes

This 'separation' sounds like she's just trying to get you out of the picture for a while so she can decide whether her relationship with someone else will last or not, and whether she wants to leave you or not.

 

Giving her a year is giving her exactly what she wants - time to pursue the affair.

 

If she actually wants to reconcile, you need to push her to make up her mind a lot faster than that.

 

As for the existence of a therapist, I'm not going to say there's definitely not one, but if there is one, they're definitely not on your side. If she's gone and told someone a sob story about how awful her marriage is and that she just doesn't know how to escape your evil clutches without drama, she might have gotten advice for a separation and slow easing out.

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aliveagain

Friend, taking a break is cheater talk for trying out the other man while you wait as her backup. Allows her to be unfaithful without the guilt of having to face you every night at home. Don't wait a year, file now, divorces take time and can be stopped at any time up to the final decree. Why spend a year waiting only to find out she's not coming back. Starting the process now forces her to choose the marriage or the other man. If she chooses you great, give her your conditions for remaining in the marriage, if she chooses the other man your not left in limbo any longer then is necessary allowing you to move on with your life and healing starts.

 

Do not allow your wife who makes really bad decisions to have control of your future. Your goal is to take yourself out of infidelity as quickly as possible. This can be done with or without her. You don't have to stay with someone that doesn't want to be with you. The best way to start is to expose the affair first to the other betrayed spouse(don't tell your wife you are doing so just do it otherwise she will warn the other man), secondly to anyone that has influence over her. They have put you on the outside, she and he now strategize against you. Talk to a lawyer, change your banking, she will take all she can from you to build her new nest with her boss, don't finance their affair, protect your children if you have children. If you have no children, just my opinion but there really is nothing to save, fire her as your wife.

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Confused48

You are acting like a complete doormat! There is no way she is going to either respect you or stop her affair.

 

The bigger question is why do you allow her to treat you like this? I understand everyone's situation is different and etc., so maybe there is a good reason but this is really unusual. I tend to think you need IC to determine why you are willing to agree to this.

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As for the existence of a therapist, I'm not going to say there's definitely not one, but if there is one, they're definitely not on your side. If she's gone and told someone a sob story about how awful her marriage is and that she just doesn't know how to escape your evil clutches without drama, she might have gotten advice for a separation and slow easing out.

 

Never thought it that way ! Some therapists do actually say what someone wants to hear and puts money in their bank account ! If he said stop the affair , she wouldn't go to him and he would rather have her come to him and get money !

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A year?!?!

 

What she wants that year for is to figure out if things will work between them or not. This year is to figure out if she goes back to plan B (you), or stay with plan A.

 

Shock and awe, my friend. Give her until June 1st ,next week. Then file!!

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If reconcilliation is your goal, I would insist that she end contact with the other man, find a new job, and go with you to marriage counselling. And, I would insist that this happen immediately.

 

Agreed. If she really wants to keep her marriage, it shouldn't take her a year to decide. I would give her until June 1st to make her decision and then file for divorce.

 

And, if the answer to any one of these requests is "No," I would file for divorce.

 

We all teach people how to treat us. If you want her respect, you must earn it. There is nothing to respect if you allow her a year to decide between two men, or allow her to continue contact with her affair partner. You deserve more from your wife.

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By giving her a year to figure it out you are basically saying to her that it's ok to eff around on you and get her jollies for a year then come back into her life with you.

 

Are you ok with that? Taking a break from fidelity?

 

 

I wouldn't be. I'd say as long as the OM is in her life then you aren't and if go ahead and file for divorce NOW (don't have to go thru with it all the way but get it filed and show her your serious)

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Listen to aliveagain.

 

Your wife is like a monkey swinging from branch to branch. She doesn’t want to let go of one branch unless she has a firm grasp on the next one. Did you two agree that there would be no sex with others during the separation? Or did you just assume that? Often the person that asks for the separation leaves this unclear. It makes them feel less guilty and if they are caught they can say that we were separated.

 

The poor betrayed spouse is left saying that if I had known that I would have had sex too.

 

What matters is, part of the separation agreement she wrote up allows for her to continue being friends with him. She even says that her therapist thinks it is a good idea.

 

Your wife is officially allowed to be friends with him. Would having sex with him violate the agreement she wrote?

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Mrs. John Adams

You don't need a year long separation ... you need an immediate divorce. There can be no successful reconciliation in this situation. Your wife must break all ties with her boyfriend.

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Agree. File for divorce, tell her she can be whatever she wants with whomever she wants, except for you.

 

Between now and the time the gavel pounds the desk, she'll have plenty of time to decide. Don't chase, you'll just hurt yourself.

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I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or thinking too much.

 

Would you be upset if I told you there is no Santa Claus?

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ZenoAurelius

Wow! That's a consensus if I ever saw one. Okay everyone, I've contacted a lawyer and will be speaking with him tomorrow.

 

I agree with you all, it's exactly how I've felt. I was fooled, not by her, but by friends and family who all say to try and work it out, give her time,don't be hasty, think about the kids, etc. I hated hearing it, but, yeah, they basically guilted me into it. **** me for being such a spineless doormat.

 

Thanks for the kick in the pants. I'll be back for more, I'm sure.

 

When should I tell her I'm filing? Is there a good or bad time, legally?

Edited by ZenoAurelius
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I believe the traditional disclosure is called "serving the papers" and comes right after the "filing" ceremony.

 

Like revenge, these papers are best served cold. Sometimes, you might want to get a 3rd party to do it, you know, for dramatic effect. Other times, you might want to hand them over instead of the peas at dinner. In some states, it can't be you. It has to be a 3rd party. By the time you file, you'll know.

 

Mum's the word until you do it!

 

Oh, and write up your situation, and meet with a lot of lawyers, all the good ones, and choose a good barracuda for yourself. Conflict the other good ones out by discussing your case in detail. Leave the wife with a lot of bad choices.

Edited by mightycpa
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Cephalopod

Quit telling her what you will do and just do it. She railroaded you into a separation because she wants to string you along as a backup in case the OM doesn't work out.

 

She's screwing his brains out by the way.

 

Do you want to be her plan B? Her safety net? Her safe landing pad? Can you write off your self respect that way?

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harrybrown

Do not play the pick me over the OM dance.

 

You are no longer a choice.

 

Have her served the D papers at her work. Do not tell her you are filing.

 

Do not talk to her anymore. do everything thru email so you have documentation. Get a VAR so she can not claim you abused her.

 

Keep it on you. and record your any interactions.

 

If she wants the marriage, she has to quit her job and go NC.

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Confused48

I've never heard of being able to serve the papers yourself. That is always done by a process server as far as I know. The best thing for you to do is say nothing unless and until your attorney tells you to do so.

 

You have the right to remain silent! lol Use it.

 

Congratulations on taking the first step to being free from the cheater!

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ZenoAurelius

Thanks everyone, I'm at work so haven't had time to be very courteous on here, as you've all been great. I'll add likes and reply to specific comments tonight at home.

 

I already feel a great deal of relief, just having called the lawyer. Thanks again.

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She has shown you through her actions that she has absolutely no respect for you or your relationship whatsoever.

 

Please remember these words:

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

P.S. Time to get tested for STD's.

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An EA with contact is always a physical affair. The separation is for her to spend more time with him. Most betrayed spouses cling to the lies because they can't accept the truth.

 

Read up

"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

 

You obviously have no respect for yourself.

 

Giving her a yearlong ultimatum was a meaningless gesture.

 

She's walking all over you and playing you for a fool.

 

Inform her bosses wife and alert the company HR. Exposure is about your only chance here but I doubt you have it in you.

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aliveagain

Don't tell her, she didn't tell you she was starting an affair, treat her with the same respect. Let the documents speak for themselves. Meanwhile, Google the "180" make the 180 your new mantra. It is a method of behaviours designed to help you distance yourself so you can make decisions that are best for you and your children. These behaviours show her you are moving on and the pressure is now back on her if she wants you in her life. She is happy to have the attention of two men, once you burn up the other man's life by exposing him to his significant other and she see's you moving on without her, well you get the picture.

 

Since he is her boss ask your lawyer if it makes sense to blow up their lives at work, decide if her job or your marriage is more important. If divorce is the ultimate goal you may want her gainfully employed because that will affect your support payments. That is why securing a good lawyer is so important, listen to him. If she chooses you and your requirements for reconciliation, she or he has to quit their jobs, they can not work together or be friends and that is not negotiable. Call the POS's significant other and expose the affair.

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