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Attitude to former AP?


Mrscommited

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Mrscommited

Hi. Me again. I'm interested to know how former cheaters feel about their OW/OM after the affair and as the years go by? I know that every affair is different and every repentant cheater is different but I'd love to hear what people feel now.

 

We are about 2.5 months out from my H's affair. I am deciding whether to reconcile. I don't want to live in the shadow of a great romance. My H, I think, still cares for the OW even though he says it was just chemical love and the whole thing was messed up. I think he feels her akin to an ex girlfriend. I'm no tcomfortable with this but at least he's being honest. I need to decide whether I can live with that.

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I think it took several years for my wife to get a mostly clear view of her MM and herself - seeing him for what he was and herself as unhealthy.

 

but my wife is a bit unusual.

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Just a Guy

Hi MrsCommitted, I am sure the more experienced folk on here will respond to give you valuable advice. However, if I had to give you one bit of advice it would be that you go by what you think is the right course of action for your self and your family. If you are comfortable with your husband knowing that he cheated on you then it is your call. If you are not comfortable then again, you have to decide what to do. You know your complete situation and what will happen if you decide to divorce. You also know your husband and what he is now capable of. If you think he is truly remorseful and is not going to slip back into his affair, then as they say "A known devil is better than an unknown one". Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

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Answering as a BH though I had this conversation with my WW recently. For her it was not so much that she missed the OMs but she missed the attention she received from them. It was online with no PA so that may have an impact on the duration of her feelings as opposed to what you are experiencing. For her it was about 2-3 months until she was no longer frequently troubled by those feelings. Another factor was that I jumped head first into R (maybe not the best decision depending upon the actual situation) and was striving to do everything that I could to keep her from leaving. With me efforts to be as attentive as possible and meet her needs, it probably reduced her desires for validation and acceptance from outside the marriage.

 

I wish you the best however you decide you need to proceed.

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I need to decide whether I can live with that.

 

That is the crux of the matter.

No-one can tell you how your husband feels as we do not have access to his innermost thoughts.

We do not know his motivations for coming back to the marriage.

Is he sorry and ashamed over his actions and wants his marriage to work? Or is he just biding time until the coast is clear and he can have his cake and eat it again? Is he "confused" and not sure what he truly wants?

Does he realise he now actually loves his wife? Or does he just feel his bread is better buttered within the marriage and has come back for his own comfort and security?

Who knows?

 

BUT whatever it is, reconciliation needs a degree of skimming over of the uncomfortable truths and a decision to overlook some of the "nastier" aspects of the affair and in fact probably a suspension of disbelief* for the sake of the continuation of marriage.

 

 

*a willingness to suspend one's critical faculties and believe the unbelievable; sacrifice of realism and logic for the sake of enjoyment

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Confused48

It isn't so black and white as, get over it and stay with him or kick him to the curb. You have a range of options. In addition to the two extremes above:

 

You can decide to never forgive but still stay married if that is what is best for you.

 

You can forgive and still get divorced.

 

As far as his feelings for the OW, it sure is hard to have a spouse mourning the loss of another romantic relationship. No doubt about that and the effect it will have on your self esteem. As well as affecting your ability to get over it.

 

If you really want to see how the WS really feels about their former AP, just go to OW OM side of this site. But be sure you want to know before you go. It isn't a pretty story.

Edited by Confused48
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My H feels bad for both his AP. Why? He sees now that they were just as messed up as him.

 

He's not a hater, but he sees it now for what it was.

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Oh and about this most current AP....he's recently regained his faith and feels that instead of being a gift from God, she was actually a temptation from the devil that he was unable to resist. That his faith was weak and that the "devil doesn't come wearing a cape and pointy horns, he comes as all you've ever wished for"

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Just a Guy

The Devil comes dressed in Prada I believe.

 

MrsCommitted, you have received some sensible advice. I think Elaine got it right. In the final analysis you will have to search for your answer deep within yourself. All the nuances of your situation are known only to you and your husband. In such matters I would trust my gut as to how I should proceed. Like I said before you will have to weigh the pros and cons and see which side the scale tips. Others neither know the dynamics of your situation nor what would work best for you. Only you would be able to sus that out. Also, I think IC may help you arrive at an answer. Good luck to you.

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Mrs. John Adams

The first few years...I felt nothing toward him...I simply did not care. As I have come to understand true remorse...I hate him...I hate him for using me...I hate for helping me destroy my husband...I hate him for not caring about my family.

 

I dont blame him for the affair...it was my choice....but he did not respect my marriage...or he would never have pursued a married woman.

 

I hate him...absolutley hate him. This may not be the way I should feel...but it is the way i feel. He is the enemy as far as i am concerned.

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Hi. Me again. I'm interested to know how former cheaters feel about their OW/OM after the affair and as the years go by? I know that every affair is different and every repentant cheater is different but I'd love to hear what people feel now.

 

We are about 2.5 months out from my H's affair. I am deciding whether to reconcile. I don't want to live in the shadow of a great romance. My H, I think, still cares for the OW even though he says it was just chemical love and the whole thing was messed up. I think he feels her akin to an ex girlfriend. I'm no tcomfortable with this but at least he's being honest. I need to decide whether I can live with that.

 

There's probably not an answer here for you, as each person is different. Any of our answers would be biased due to each situation being unique.

 

All you can really do is use the knowledge you have now and decide accordingly. I know that doesn't help much, and I'm sorry.

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The first few years...I felt nothing toward him...I simply did not care. As I have come to understand true remorse...I hate him...I hate him for using me...I hate for helping me destroy my husband...I hate him for not caring about my family.

 

I dont blame him for the affair...it was my choice....but he did not respect my marriage...or he would never have pursued a married woman.

 

I hate him...absolutley hate him. This may not be the way I should feel...but it is the way i feel. He is the enemy as far as i am concerned.

 

I can understand this point of view, but really, he's not an enemy of your marriage per se unless you allow him to be.

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MidnightBlue1980
Hi. Me again. I'm interested to know how former cheaters feel about their OW/OM after the affair and as the years go by? I know that every affair is different and every repentant cheater is different but I'd love to hear what people feel now.

 

We are about 2.5 months out from my H's affair. I am deciding whether to reconcile. I don't want to live in the shadow of a great romance. My H, I think, still cares for the OW even though he says it was just chemical love and the whole thing was messed up. I think he feels her akin to an ex girlfriend. I'm no tcomfortable with this but at least he's being honest. I need to decide whether I can live with that.

 

I would say that I hate him and wish only the worst life has to offer for him. I think he is a despicable sub-par human being. Not because of the affair but the lies he told his wife about me after it ended, how he boasted to me about tricking his wife into MC to lull her into false security and the psychological torture he put me through for an entire year afterwards.

 

That said, I do feel peace as the karma bus finally hit him and his wife learned the entire truth. Death is too easy. My wish for him would be that he lives to 95 and she makes every day on this earth for him a living hell.

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Mrs. John Adams
I can understand this point of view, but really, he's not an enemy of your marriage per se unless you allow him to be.

 

Oh you misunderstood...he is not the enemy of my marriage...he is the enemy.

He can't do anything to my marriage...and i hope i made it clear that i know I was the one who made the choice. I am not blaming him.

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Mrs. John Adams
I would say that I hate him and wish only the worst life has to offer for him. I think he is a despicable sub-par human being. Not because of the affair but the lies he told his wife about me after it ended, how he boasted to me about tricking his wife into MC to lull her into false security and the psychological torture he put me through for an entire year afterwards.

 

That said, I do feel peace as the karma bus finally hit him and his wife learned the entire truth. Death is too easy. My wish for him would be that he lives to 95 and she makes every day on this earth for him a living hell.

 

Oh girlfriend...I like how you think! :D

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Just a Guy

Hi Mrs. John Adams, I am sorry that you have such strong emotions towards your AP. While you are fully justified to feel as you do, sadly your investing so much of your emotional energy into someone who should now be a dot in your rear view mirror so to speak, may not be good for you or your marriage. You and your husband have worked hard at recovering your marriage and have been enormously successful in doing so. I would think that all your emotional energies would be better directed towards each other and at further cementing your already strong marriage. You should not be giving any head space to your AP or his ghost. Warm wishes.

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Bittersweetie
Hi. Me again. I'm interested to know how former cheaters feel about their OW/OM after the affair and as the years go by? I know that every affair is different and every repentant cheater is different but I'd love to hear what people feel now.

 

We are about 2.5 months out from my H's affair. I am deciding whether to reconcile. I don't want to live in the shadow of a great romance. My H, I think, still cares for the OW even though he says it was just chemical love and the whole thing was messed up. I think he feels her akin to an ex girlfriend. I'm no tcomfortable with this but at least he's being honest. I need to decide whether I can live with that.

 

I'm over 7 years out and I have no thoughts or feelings toward xAP. He's just another person in the world I used to know and I have no inclination to find out anything about him. At 2.5 months past d-day, I think I was starting to recognize that the A relationship was not some big romance (which is definitely what I thought during it). I was no longer thinking "fond" thoughts of xAP because I was living in the aftermath and destruction of my choices. In my case the A ended a few months before d-day and I had already had some time to start stepping mentally away from xAP. I don't think it's unusual for a WS to still have feelings for an xAP after d-day, but if it's something that continues beyond a few months, and more importantly the WS is still feeding those thoughts, then you have a right to be concerned. It's up to you how long you want to give. GL.

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Duh ! If it's like the OW was kinda ex gf, I don't think anyone in your place will be comfortable!

 

How can he be fully committed to you while having lovey feelings for her ?

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ronisanidiot

It is crushing when your told what a good guy he is, you know the old family friend of her mothers son. Even if he started an affair the day of meeting the 2 little girls who's lives would be damaged by all this. Even if he has few acquaintances let alone friends due to his behavior.... He's really a good guy.

 

Why after those kinds of speeches a 12 yr old (at that time) told her....If you divorce I'm living with DAD.....he at least cares for us

 

6 yrs later..... She wonders why her kids are not close to her.....

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Arieswoman

Mrs Committed,

 

My H, I think, still cares for the OW even though he says it was just chemical love and the whole thing was messed up.

 

Instead of trying to second guess your husband, how about having a full and frank talk with him and find out what he actually does think?

If he has any warm feelings for her at all, I would hold back on any reconciliation.

 

Just my 2 penneth - you must do what feels good for you.

 

Good luck x

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Not only is the AP the enemy, so are any friends or relatives that were enablers of the affair. In the end, the ws is to blame, but, the AP and any enablers should be avoided like the plague. Also to the comment on spending time and energy hating, I do not think my wife or I either one spend our energy in hate. There are very few people in my hate list in life. For the most part I do not give them the time of day. They are not in my life. But, how do you feel about them, yeah hate.

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Mrs. John Adams
Hi Mrs. John Adams, I am sorry that you have such strong emotions towards your AP. While you are fully justified to feel as you do, sadly your investing so much of your emotional energy into someone who should now be a dot in your rear view mirror so to speak, may not be good for you or your marriage. You and your husband have worked hard at recovering your marriage and have been enormously successful in doing so. I would think that all your emotional energies would be better directed towards each other and at further cementing your already strong marriage. You should not be giving any head space to your AP or his ghost. Warm wishes.

 

I spend little to no time investing anything ...hate...thoughts....anything toward the AP. I was asked how I feel...I described the feeling I have.

 

YOu are right John and I should be investing into each other...which is exactly what we do. I appreciate your thoughtful advice about our relationship.

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Oh you misunderstood...he is not the enemy of my marriage...he is the enemy.

He can't do anything to my marriage...and i hope i made it clear that i know I was the one who made the choice. I am not blaming him.

 

Got it.

That sounds more like "you". You have never blamed anyone else for your A, and have always taken full responsibility for it.

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HereNorThere
Hi. Me again. I'm interested to know how former cheaters feel about their OW/OM after the affair and as the years go by? I know that every affair is different and every repentant cheater is different but I'd love to hear what people feel now.

 

We are about 2.5 months out from my H's affair. I am deciding whether to reconcile. I don't want to live in the shadow of a great romance. My H, I think, still cares for the OW even though he says it was just chemical love and the whole thing was messed up. I think he feels her akin to an ex girlfriend. I'm no tcomfortable with this but at least he's being honest. I need to decide whether I can live with that.

 

Hate to break it to you, but all love is chemical and electrochemical love. We are the sum of those chemicals, nothing more, nothing less.

 

You already know the answer to all your questions, whether you choose to listen to your own chemical and electrochemical transmissions is on you. Yes, you will have to live in the shadow of their romance. Yes, you are the second choice, the backup plan, etc. It's hard to live with but that's the truth of the whole thing. He was willing to risk it all to be with her and that tells you all you need to know.

 

Oh, and everyone knows the devil wears a red dress. Met her last night, stunning really. ;)

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LivingWaterPlease
The first few years...I felt nothing toward him...I simply did not care. As I have come to understand true remorse...I hate him...I hate him for using me...I hate for helping me destroy my husband...I hate him for not caring about my family.

 

I dont blame him for the affair...it was my choice....but he did not respect my marriage...or he would never have pursued a married woman.

 

I hate him...absolutley hate him. This may not be the way I should feel...but it is the way i feel. He is the enemy as far as i am concerned.

 

I've heard the opposite of love isn't hate, but rather indifference. Seems hatred for someone is a pretty intense emotion. Why do you think your feelings are so intense so long afterwards? Wasn't your A brief? (I may not recall correctly is why I ask).

 

Seems as time goes by your emotions about it would lessen. At least that's been my experience with negative or positive relationships from the past.

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