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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th May 2017, 1:01 AM   #31
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I see what your saying. I guess I really just want to go. As much as I want out of this mess of a marriage, he is actually who I feel safest going away with. An example of this is I love to hike, and now I move so much slower and I can't go for long periods of time. If I go with a friend I always have the feeling in the back of my head that they are not enjoying themselves as much because I slow them down, they never say it though. I never feel that way when I go with him. He is always so patient and he seems to always enjoy the hikes even though I'm slow and he always says how proud he is that I do it. I know, I need to move on and be able to do these things without him but I would like one more time. He got a room with two beds at my request.
Hi Red this last post makes me think that inspite of what you have written before about detaching from your husband, in actual fact there is still a strong spark within you for him. The very fact that you want to get away to a place you loved when things were better between you two and the fact that you prefer your husband over others who could have gone, indicates a bond which cannot be broken as easily as you may have us believe. The way you have written about the way he makes you feel good about your hiking shows plain as day that the connection is still very strong.

There is nothing to feel guilty about that. He was your first love and is the father of your child. You may or may not reconcile with him this time but everything points to the fact that you do want to. Wish you the best going forward.
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Old 30th May 2017, 10:49 AM   #32
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Hi Red this last post makes me think that inspite of what you have written before about detaching from your husband, in actual fact there is still a strong spark within you for him. The very fact that you want to get away to a place you loved when things were better between you two and the fact that you prefer your husband over others who could have gone, indicates a bond which cannot be broken as easily as you may have us believe. The way you have written about the way he makes you feel good about your hiking shows plain as day that the connection is still very strong.

There is nothing to feel guilty about that. He was your first love and is the father of your child. You may or may not reconcile with him this time but everything points to the fact that you do want to. Wish you the best going forward.
All of what you wrote is the truth, so is everything I have written about not wanting to stay married to him. I am obviously very conflicted but trust in our marriage is gone. I still trust him to support me but I don't feel safe to trust him with staying faithful. So that is always is there and I can't see myself being able to live with that for the rest of my life. So yes I love him and we honestly have always had a spark but without trust I don't know how to have a happy life with him.
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Old 30th May 2017, 2:49 PM   #33
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Hi Red, Thanks for your response. If I am correct your husband had slipped up twice and it would be the second time that you forgive him. As the saying goes, third time lucky so maybe he won't let you down a third time!

That, of course was in a lighter vein. Seriously though, if, as you say, there is still love between the two of you there is every chance that you two will make it through this ordeal. I know that for you to regain trust will be very difficult but if he is prepared to put in the hard work it may be possible. He would have to attend intensive IC to figure out why he needed to betray you so despicably. Maybe even you will have to undergo IC to understand how to cope with his betrayal and also to work on any issues that may have led him or at least provided him the excuse to cheat on you.

If your husband is truly committed to making things alright between you two thenaybe it could still end in "Happy ever after". Warm wishes.
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Old 1st June 2017, 8:55 AM   #34
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Yeah true!!
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Old 1st June 2017, 11:28 AM   #35
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Yeah true!!
Which part?
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Old 1st June 2017, 11:29 AM   #36
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Hi Red, Thanks for your response. If I am correct your husband had slipped up twice and it would be the second time that you forgive him. As the saying goes, third time lucky so maybe he won't let you down a third time!

That, of course was in a lighter vein. Seriously though, if, as you say, there is still love between the two of you there is every chance that you two will make it through this ordeal. I know that for you to regain trust will be very difficult but if he is prepared to put in the hard work it may be possible. He would have to attend intensive IC to figure out why he needed to betray you so despicably. Maybe even you will have to undergo IC to understand how to cope with his betrayal and also to work on any issues that may have led him or at least provided him the excuse to cheat on you.

If your husband is truly committed to making things alright between you two thenaybe it could still end in "Happy ever after". Warm wishes.
Thanks for the responses. I'm not holding out for happily ever after but I am more open as the days progress.
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Old 7th June 2017, 3:02 PM   #37
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Hi Red, so how are things currently? Hope your husband is putting in the hard work to make things alright and help you heal. Keep posting your progress from time to time. Warm wishes.
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Old 25th July 2017, 12:48 PM   #38
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Hi Red, so how are things currently? Hope your husband is putting in the hard work to make things alright and help you heal. Keep posting your progress from time to time. Warm wishes.
Well I'm still here. I am still not committed to reconciliation but I haven't completely closed the door. He is still in IC and is trying very hard to rebuild my trust. I haven't found anything new that would indicate that he is still in the affair or has any contact with her, however, who knows if that's true. Thanks for checking in.
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Old 26th July 2017, 4:59 AM   #39
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Hi Red, good to see you are still around! Also good to know that you have kept a window for reconciliation open. If your husband is putting in the effort in working on his problems in IC and is serious about it, I doubt he would be simultaneously carrying on with his affair. Those two events are just not compatible.

Also, did you two eventually go on your vacation to your favourite getaway? If so, how did that pan out? Hope for your sake that things work out well for you whatever that entails. Just keep at maintaining your own dignity and self respect and I would think it would work out well for you in the end. By the way, keep posting. Warm wishes.
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Old 4th August 2017, 1:36 PM   #40
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(((Red123))) I have been MIA from loveshack for sometime. I remember you and am so sorry you are experiencing this again. Last I was here I was separating from my WS. We were separated for 6 months and he did start to show some real remorse, remorse I had never seen before. If I had not separated I'm not sure my WH would understand the brevity of his actions.

Take your time to decide and even no decision is a decision. We all make the decision we make for our own reasons. The best thing I ever did for myself was love myself more than my marriage ;-)
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Old 7th August 2017, 5:27 AM   #41
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Hi Ladydesigner, so are you back with your husband or have you now divorced? I'm sorry I have'nt seen your thread so am not aware of your situation. Warm wishes.
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Old 7th August 2017, 5:57 AM   #42
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(((Red123))) I have been MIA from loveshack for sometime. I remember you and am so sorry you are experiencing this again. Last I was here I was separating from my WS. We were separated for 6 months and he did start to show some real remorse, remorse I had never seen before. If I had not separated I'm not sure my WH would understand the brevity of his actions.

Take your time to decide and even no decision is a decision. We all make the decision we make for our own reasons. The best thing I ever did for myself was love myself more than my marriage ;-)
(((lady))), so great to see you back. One of my original ls heroes who helped me in my hour of need!

Like Just a guy, I am very interested (nosey ) to find out if you are actually back with you H. The romantic in me hopes that you are.

Your posts illustrates a very important point relating to reconciliation and affair recovery in general. The WS really needs to see and understand the full extent of the pain of the BS, warts and all to fully appreciate the damage he has done and to be able to be fully committed to R. Even if this means something as drastic as divorce.

I saw my wife physically collapse and we went through months and months of hellish conversations. It was awful for me as the cheater (of course it was much worse for her as she was the innocent victim, but I'm talking from the viewpoint of the cheater here). But it forced me to see the full extent of her pain, it forced me to confront what I had done, what I had risked, how much I had f*cked up, how much I had hurt people.

The problem with rug sweeping or letting cheaters off too easily is that they don't see what a huge, heartbreaking deal it all was and to what extent they have hurt and damaged the person he committed to. They know they've done wrong, but not HOW wrong - in their own mind they can even chalk it up to a "boys being boys" kind of mistake - like getting outrageously drunk with their friends and not making it home, or losing money betting on a horse. It is in a completely different league from this.

The same goes for waywards who end the affair undiscovered and never tell anyone. Without being confronted with the full horror of what they've done, waywards may not be capable of the deep remorse and self-reflection necessary for true reconciliation. It looks like in your case, lady, your husband has reached that point. Whether you are back together or not, I hope you can both go on to be happy people again! I wish you well.

Red, I hope you are OK and IC is working out for you H. It would be great if you could get past this and build a happy "new" marriage.

Last edited by jenkins95; 7th August 2017 at 6:02 AM..
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Old 7th August 2017, 7:38 PM   #43
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Jenkins and Just A Guy yes we are back together again so far it has been worth it. I think we both want this M now and are working on it. It took separating and being away for us both to finally see where we both were not putting effort into the M.
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Old 9th August 2017, 12:14 PM   #44
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Hi Ladydesigner, thanks for your response. I do hope Red gets some positive inspiration from your example and that things work out for her. From the little that she has written on the positive aspects of her relationship with her husband it seems to me she needs him more than she has admitted so far. If that be the case your example will be of sterling value to her and her husband. Warm wishes.
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Old 9th August 2017, 3:23 PM   #45
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Well let me offer the opposite, my wife was older and had numerous lovers between marriages, experienced amazing sex but it did not stop her cheating on me, nor help her value sex with me.

So that fact that your husband only had you, is not an excuse for him cheating.

In fact one could make the argument more experienced people are apt to cheat more.

But the fact is cheaters Cheat.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 9th August 2017 at 3:44 PM..
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