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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th May 2017, 10:52 PM   #1
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Been thinking

I am currently separated from my WH after discovering his second affair in 3 years. I have always had the ability once the pain is not as raw to see all sides, a gift and a curse. Some believe my WH had a mid life crisis due to my illness and work issues, that I will never know if it is the case. The thing I have been thinking about lately is his lack of experience with women. We got together very young, I was his first, he was nowhere close to being mine. We have been together for would have been 21 years in June, and he was unfaithful in the last 3. I guess I have been thinking about the reality of an 18 year old boy making the decision to stay faithful and only be with one woman for his entire life, and how unrealistic it seems to me now. I guess it boils down to did I really believe that he could only be with me and never experience a fling, or a ONS in his entire life. He is still begging to come back to our marriage and is really trying, I don't honestly feel any trust so I can't, but I am seeing him differently. A lot of the people I know who got together when we did promising lives together are not together, a couple are but have had infidelity in their past. Maybe our age when we started has something to do with this. I have been tempted many times over the years too. Thoughts?
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:02 PM   #2
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The part that's difficult is that it was his second affair. Sounds like he got caught once and made a bunch of meaningless promises about how he'd change. Now he's caught again and wants to make more meaningless promises? How on earth could you trust him again?
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:12 PM   #3
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The part that's difficult is that it was his second affair. Sounds like he got caught once and made a bunch of meaningless promises about how he'd change. Now he's caught again and wants to make more meaningless promises? How on earth could you trust him again?
Exactly. That's my biggest issue. It was two different women as well, I don't know if it's better or worse. He claims he will prove he is changing, NC, therapy IC, I refused MC this time, did that the first time.
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:21 PM   #4
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He made the choice to cheat

And I know it is very hard for betrayed spouses to accept... it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the wayward
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:26 PM   #5
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Exactly. That's my biggest issue. It was two different women as well, I don't know if it's better or worse. He claims he will prove he is changing, NC, therapy IC, I refused MC this time, did that the first time.
Time will tell if he fixes himself for himself or for you regardless if you two get back together or not.

Not sure how you can trust him again after two affairs with 2 different women. Like he didn't learn from the first time around or see your pain that he caused you? Fact that he could cheat on you again after that just shows how NOT ready he is. Which leads back to whether or not he does counseling because he wants to fix what's broken inside of him to be a better man (if not to you, but for himself or someone else in the future). It's easy to offer up counseling (MC and IC) vs actually booking the appt's and going/following through on it. words mean nothing now. Actions = proof of efforts.
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:32 PM   #6
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Oh, no, Red. I'm so sorry. I recall thinking your H was one of the truly remorseful ones. Ugh.
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:35 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Red123 View Post
I am currently separated from my WH after discovering his second affair in 3 years. I have always had the ability once the pain is not as raw to see all sides, a gift and a curse. Some believe my WH had a mid life crisis due to my illness and work issues, that I will never know if it is the case. The thing I have been thinking about lately is his lack of experience with women. We got together very young, I was his first, he was nowhere close to being mine. We have been together for would have been 21 years in June, and he was unfaithful in the last 3. I guess I have been thinking about the reality of an 18 year old boy making the decision to stay faithful and only be with one woman for his entire life, and how unrealistic it seems to me now. I guess it boils down to did I really believe that he could only be with me and never experience a fling, or a ONS in his entire life. He is still begging to come back to our marriage and is really trying, I don't honestly feel any trust so I can't, but I am seeing him differently. A lot of the people I know who got together when we did promising lives together are not together, a couple are but have had infidelity in their past. Maybe our age when we started has something to do with this. I have been tempted many times over the years too. Thoughts?
Here's the thing. You have a couple of different things going on here.

One. fidelity is a choice. It doesn't really matter if you have had one or one thousand partners, there is always someone out there you have not slept with. You have nothing to do with him not being faithful. That is all on him.

Two, you have a point though. We live a long life these days. I'm guessing you he is 39 or 40. Are you both the same people today who you were at 18? Will you be the same people 20 and 40 years from now? On the flip side, I am 44 and I certainly do not want to be trading partners every decade. So you need to do the work to keep your marriage fresh and change along with your partner.

Unfortunately he has already cheated 2x? So now it's in a bad spot. I do not doubt that he wants to keep your marriage, it is warm and familiar. But I am not sure he is done with having fun with women who are probably thinking they have a chance with a serious relationship with him. On the other hand, I am a fWS and I have changed, my H and I reconciled. It can be done.

I would say that you need to know why this happened. He needs to be brutally honest - so you can address it. Even if it seems unfair, you need to know. My H also strayed and his reasons were so stupid to me (of course involving oral) but to him, it was material. I don't blame you for wanting to save your marriage but you need to know what the real story is.

Are you dating anyone while you are separated? Is he?
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:42 PM   #8
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He made the choice to cheat

And I know it is very hard for betrayed spouses to accept... it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the wayward
Oh I know that!!!! I didn't do anything this time around. He knows it, I know it and everyone that is in our lives that knows about his A knows it. These are just thoughts I have been having not excuses for his behaviour. He owns that.
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:45 PM   #9
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Time will tell if he fixes himself for himself or for you regardless if you two get back together or not.

Not sure how you can trust him again after two affairs with 2 different women. Like he didn't learn from the first time around or see your pain that he caused you? Fact that he could cheat on you again after that just shows how NOT ready he is. Which leads back to whether or not he does counseling because he wants to fix what's broken inside of him to be a better man (if not to you, but for himself or someone else in the future). It's easy to offer up counseling (MC and IC) vs actually booking the appt's and going/following through on it. words mean nothing now. Actions = proof of efforts.
I agree. He is in IC totally on his own, I have no part in it. I do hope he becomes the man he wants to be, as there are a lot of wonderful things about him. I just don't trust him at all so I have little faith in his ability to do it.
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:46 PM   #10
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Oh, no, Red. I'm so sorry. I recall thinking your H was one of the truly remorseful ones. Ugh.
I thought so too😢
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:51 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue1980 View Post
Here's the thing. You have a couple of different things going on here.

One. fidelity is a choice. It doesn't really matter if you have had one or one thousand partners, there is always someone out there you have not slept with. You have nothing to do with him not being faithful. That is all on him.

Two, you have a point though. We live a long life these days. I'm guessing you he is 39 or 40. Are you both the same people today who you were at 18? Will you be the same people 20 and 40 years from now? On the flip side, I am 44 and I certainly do not want to be trading partners every decade. So you need to do the work to keep your marriage fresh and change along with your partner.

Unfortunately he has already cheated 2x? So now it's in a bad spot. I do not doubt that he wants to keep your marriage, it is warm and familiar. But I am not sure he is done with having fun with women who are probably thinking they have a chance with a serious relationship with him. On the other hand, I am a fWS and I have changed, my H and I reconciled. It can be done.

I would say that you need to know why this happened. He needs to be brutally honest - so you can address it. Even if it seems unfair, you need to know. My H also strayed and his reasons were so stupid to me (of course involving oral) but to him, it was material. I don't blame you for wanting to save your marriage but you need to know what the real story is.

Are you dating anyone while you are separated? Is he?
We are definitely not the same people as we were 20 years ago. I am not trying to save my marriage, I am trying to end it, he wants to save it. We have talked it to death, his reasons, his low self esteem, how weak of a person he is. I still can't find a reason to trust him, never say never but right now not a chance. He is also exploring this in IC according to him. Neither of us are dating, this is still pretty fresh, I am not even close to ready.
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Old 20th May 2017, 12:02 AM   #12
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Believe me there is nothing warm about our marriage now, it might be familiar but I am not his loving, warm wife anymore. So I doubt that's his reason for trying to stay.
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Old 20th May 2017, 7:43 AM   #13
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$0.02

It seems to me like you have a lot of good reasons and insight to forgive him. You should do that. And continue to love him and cherish the years that you had together. All while going your separate ways now that you realize you can't trust him going forward. Just my two cents.
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Old 20th May 2017, 9:07 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams View Post
He made the choice to cheat

And I know it is very hard for betrayed spouses to accept... it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the wayward
What worse for me was MC that kept push the idea of equal responsibility as it was a flawed relationship rather than a flaw in my WW.

Turns out BPD and had nothing to do with me or how I treated her......but for 18 months I got "bad husband" excuse and was told how I needed to share the shame and blame.

High functioning BPD's come across as very believable, even when they are pushing others through the gates of hell
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Old 20th May 2017, 9:23 AM   #15
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What worse for me was MC that kept push the idea of equal responsibility as it was a flawed relationship rather than a flaw in my WW.
The MC is there to somehow "save" the marriage and setting up a narrative where the WS is the bad guy and the BS is the good guy is not seen as a sustainable dynamic going forward. Fine, if the goal is to split up, not so good, if the goal is to stay together.
It often then perceived as being better to equalise the "fault" and share out the "blame".
A problem shared is a problem halved sort of idea. Mobilising both to "solve" their marriage - a team building exercise... rather than a witch-hunt.

It can however lead to the WS feeling somewhat "justified" and the BS feeling angry and frustrated at being unjustly "blamed".
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