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And it all came crashing down


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greyseason

Hi all. I'm blessed and happy to find a place of proactive healing and answers. Thanks in advance for your time and care.

 

I am 35. I've been married to my high school sweetheart since we were 18. These last few years have been the happiest of my life. I literally **thought** that I was the luckiest girl alive. Life was amazing, overflowing with goodness.

 

Years ago, earlier in our marriage, I found out my husband was addicted to porn. It crushed me. Months later, I walked in on him having drunken sex with a much older lady. I was shocked. It was the darkest, deepest pain of my life. I had a really good childhood and walked into marriage fairly innocent. This knocked me to the ground and it took time to regain my footing in life. However, my husband has always shown passionate love for me and I was able to quickly forgive, trust again, and move forward. I thought we had a miraculous redemption story. I trusted him 200% after this hard time. I gave him total freedom in life and he gave me mine.

We spent the years since this disaster, raising our family and living happy lives. I always thought that my husband loved me more than any woman could be loved. I respected him immensely. To me, he was an incredible man, whom I admired so very much. He beat his battle with porn and changed his life...

 

 

...so I thought....

 

Last year, my husband confessed with great remorse that he still looked at porn regularly. He indulged in chat rooms, web cam sessions, paid porn sites, Craig's List encounters, and more. He took it further and paid for massage sessions, strip clubs, and sex with escorts. He travels often for work and over the last couple years, he has been with escorts over 60 times. The latest girl turned into a fling, who he took to dinner, flew to see her, bought her gifts, and paid her bills. I was shocked and devastated. My life has crumbled.

 

We worked through it last year, but he is still cheating and actively viewing porn. The pain is hard to carry. I'm at a loss. When we are together, we feel so in love...people tease us saying we act like newlyweds (feels like we are). BUT then he has this other dark life.

 

I am not a perfect wife, I have flaws, of course. BUT I truly have given 100% effort in being the best wife I could be. I have always been faithful to him and loyally supported him. I have NEVER turned him down on sex. We have wild, crazy sex often. We have sex several times a week usually and have for years. I'm not ugly. I cannot figure out WHY WHY WHY he needed to look outside our marriage. This is something I struggle with. I make him homemade meals, pack his lunches, prep his clothes, make our home beautiful, am a VERY happy wife, I don't complain about long work hours...WHY did he need some other woman??? I'm broken and dying inside. To clarify, I am writing with emotion, more than reason right now. I have plenty of bad qualities of course, but not enough to merit him cheating on me multiple times, for years. His actions are beyond my comprehension.

 

I want this marriage so much...but this is killing me. We have the ability to have a beautiful life, full of blessings. WHY does he need this other life? :(

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Sorry to hear about what you are going through.

 

Would he agree to marriage counselling? It is probably a good place to start.

 

It's not the porn that's a big deal, it's everything else.

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somanymistakes

WHY does he need this other life?

 

It's not your fault. It's not anything you've done wrong. He is literally addicted. Not just to porn, but to sex in general. Nothing you or anyone else can do will ever be enough for him unless he finds some way to stop the craving in his brain that is driving him.

 

You could be having sex with him five times a day and he could be gone an hour and still give into temptation if it crossed his path.

 

The behavior you're describing is NOT the behavior a of a man who is unsatisfied at home, it's the behavior of a man who cannot control himself. He needs professional help if he's going to have ANY chance of overcoming this. No amount of love and support on your part can fix what is missing inside him. Not even marriage counselling will help in my opinion, the problem goes too deep for that. It's about him, not about his relationship with you.

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Mrs. John Adams

I agree he is a sex addict and needs professional help.

 

I am not sure why you would want to remain in this relationship of constant pain... but unless he was willing to get help I would not remain in a relationship where he risks your life.

 

I am really sorry

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Oh, and by the way, when I say marriage counselling, I mean with someone who is a trained psychologist or psychiatrist. If nothing else, it may answer some of the questions that will haunt you about why he has done this.

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OP, your initial post sounds pretty damning. but what is his side to all this. Are you an eager sex partner for him, or are you aghast that he wants to have sex? Porn is a very normal thing for a guy to watch, but you seem to be SHOCKED he watches porn. Whats up with that.

 

Crossing the line is going on craigslist for encounters, or hiring sexual escorts. Why did he feel he had to get that somewhere else?

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greyseason
OP, your initial post sounds pretty damning. but what is his side to all this. Are you an eager sex partner for him, or are you aghast that he wants to have sex? Porn is a very normal thing for a guy to watch, but you seem to be SHOCKED he watches porn. Whats up with that.

 

Crossing the line is going on craigslist for encounters, or hiring sexual escorts. Why did he feel he had to get that somewhere else?

 

We have a very active sex life. We both enjoy it and we both have fun with it.

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We have a very active sex life. We both enjoy it and we both have fun with it.

 

Are you testing regularly for STD's? With as many escorts as he's been with, I wouldn't let him near you with a 10 foot pole if I was you.

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frigginlost
Hi all. I'm blessed and happy to find a place of proactive healing and answers. Thanks in advance for your time and care.

 

I am 35. I've been married to my high school sweetheart since we were 18. These last few years have been the happiest of my life. I literally **thought** that I was the luckiest girl alive. Life was amazing, overflowing with goodness.

 

Years ago, earlier in our marriage, I found out my husband was addicted to porn. It crushed me. Months later, I walked in on him having drunken sex with a much older lady. I was shocked. It was the darkest, deepest pain of my life. I had a really good childhood and walked into marriage fairly innocent. This knocked me to the ground and it took time to regain my footing in life. However, my husband has always shown passionate love for me and I was able to quickly forgive, trust again, and move forward. I thought we had a miraculous redemption story. I trusted him 200% after this hard time. I gave him total freedom in life and he gave me mine.

We spent the years since this disaster, raising our family and living happy lives. I always thought that my husband loved me more than any woman could be loved. I respected him immensely. To me, he was an incredible man, whom I admired so very much. He beat his battle with porn and changed his life...

 

 

...so I thought....

 

Last year, my husband confessed with great remorse that he still looked at porn regularly. He indulged in chat rooms, web cam sessions, paid porn sites, Craig's List encounters, and more. He took it further and paid for massage sessions, strip clubs, and sex with escorts. He travels often for work and over the last couple years, he has been with escorts over 60 times. The latest girl turned into a fling, who he took to dinner, flew to see her, bought her gifts, and paid her bills. I was shocked and devastated. My life has crumbled.

 

We worked through it last year, but he is still cheating and actively viewing porn. The pain is hard to carry. I'm at a loss. When we are together, we feel so in love...people tease us saying we act like newlyweds (feels like we are). BUT then he has this other dark life.

 

I am not a perfect wife, I have flaws, of course. BUT I truly have given 100% effort in being the best wife I could be. I have always been faithful to him and loyally supported him. I have NEVER turned him down on sex. We have wild, crazy sex often. We have sex several times a week usually and have for years. I'm not ugly. I cannot figure out WHY WHY WHY he needed to look outside our marriage. This is something I struggle with. I make him homemade meals, pack his lunches, prep his clothes, make our home beautiful, am a VERY happy wife, I don't complain about long work hours...WHY did he need some other woman??? I'm broken and dying inside. To clarify, I am writing with emotion, more than reason right now. I have plenty of bad qualities of course, but not enough to merit him cheating on me multiple times, for years. His actions are beyond my comprehension.

 

I want this marriage so much...but this is killing me. We have the ability to have a beautiful life, full of blessings. WHY does he need this other life? :(

 

Keep that thought. Do *not* lose hold of it.

 

You had nothing to do with his decision to cheat. None. Do not let anyone, and I mean anyone tell you different. It was his decision and his alone. No matter what kind of marriage you had/have it was him that made the call to cheat.

 

I'm truly very sorry but what you're feeling is normal and sadly it is going to get worse before it gets better. You took hold of your relationship after the first incident of cheating and went all in with him again. I did the same. She ended up cheating on me again. It hurts enormously bad the second time because you worked so hard to forgive.

 

My question to you, is why do you feel you need to stay now?

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Even with counseling he is unlikely to change. He has a very serious problem.

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AlwaysGrowing
OP, your initial post sounds pretty damning. but what is his side to all this. Are you an eager sex partner for him, or are you aghast that he wants to have sex? Porn is a very normal thing for a guy to watch, but you seem to be SHOCKED he watches porn. Whats up with that.

 

Crossing the line is going on craigslist for encounters, or hiring sexual escorts. Why did he feel he had to get that somewhere else?

 

Porn usage is normal. Porn usage to the detriment of ones life is not. Overuse of porn has been found to decrease ones enjoyment of sex overall, that is why porn addicts up the ante looking for that elusive plateau again. They are more likely to engage in behaviours that risk their physical, mental and emotional health.

 

OP, unless your husband is able to see that he has a problem, these issues will never go away. He needs professional help from an experienced sex addict therapists.

 

As hard as it is to accept, you need to take care of yourself. Get your own IC that had experience with these issues.

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Greyseason, I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how much confusion, hurt, and probably even anger you are feeling. Please keep in mind as this plays out that you did nothing to deserve the way he is treating you. I would follow the suggestions as others have stated on here to take care of yourself. Reach out to those who are closest to you that you can trust to listen to you and support you. Even that may not be enough. There is no shame in also seeking IC for yourself. We all need some extra support sometimes. Don't let shame clutch onto you and drag you down. Your husband's actions only reflect his issues and brokenness and, as tough as it may be to believe, have nothing to do with you or any fault you may have.

 

Stay strong and gather your supportive folks around you.

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ExpatInItaly

Dear me, this is awful, OP. My deep sympathies to you.

 

Please, please call your doctor and get a full STI panel, including an HIV test. Yes, you need it. Do not waste any time doing this.

 

Next, call a good divorce lawyer. There is no way on this earth I would stay with this man. The marriage you thought you had was an illusion, sadly. he man you thought you knew wasn't real. This man is a sex addict and doesn't love you. Let him deal with his addiction on his own clock; I believe your marriage is not going to be reparable and thus I would not waste good money on marriage therapy. I would save that for you and the individual therapy you are going to need dealing with the fallout.

 

You are still young. The world is full of kind, truly honest men who would never dream of hurting you this way. Go out and find one and close this hideous chapter.

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harrybrown

How would he feel if you had an A?

 

He would be crushed!

 

the escorts, the cheating is all on him.

 

I doubt that he uses protection, especially with the fling girl.

 

Do you have kids?

 

Sorry, but if you do, he is out of control. Your H needs to go to the 12 step program.

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Jersey born raised

Perhaps you need to take a hard look at the roles each of you play in your marriage. Part of the problem is it seems some important elements are not integrated, especially financial.

 

While porn usage is easy to hide money for strip clubs, escorts, etc is not. My parents knew where all their money went as does my siblings spouces. Mine did as well while we where married. I am not referring to nick and dimes but if I spent a few hundred dollars my spouce knew when, where and for what.

 

Understand in marriage there is no this is my money this is your's without accountability. The money belongs to the marriage. Yes at times one spouce will spend some it with the other disagreeing, but it is done openly. My ex-SIL flipped out when her husband bought a boat. Yes it was a fight after the fact. But again she knew where the money went and gracefully spent time on it with the family on many weekends. (it was a fishing boat that could be used for water skiing and picnics).

 

Bottom line I think you need to re-examine what it means to be married and the roles each spouse plays within it.

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We worked through it last year, but he is still cheating and actively viewing porn. (

 

So tell us, how exactly did you work through it if he is still cheating and actively viewing porn?

 

I'm very sorry for your pain. The betrayal, when you have loved this man and built a home and family with him, must be unimaginable.

 

But, this is not just an affair. This is not just a "we drank too much and got carried away one night" or even "there's a girl at the office..." affair. This is pathological. He is lying to you, cheating on, and putting your health at risk on a regular basis with VERY risky sex. That, for me, would be unforgivable.

 

I don't have any advice to offer because I would NEVER stay with this man. The only advice I would give is for you to see your doctor and get tested for STDs. I'm very sorry.

Edited by BaileyB
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This is a very sad story, but it highlights the risks of the kind of behavior your husband has been engaging in. This man, who frequently visited massage parlours and paid for sex with escorts, gave his unsuspecting wife HIV.

 

Not to scare you, but he puts your health at risk with his behavior. You must stop having sex with him while he is engaging in these risky behaviors and you must both be tested for STDs. This is not to be taken lightly.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/603809-i-need-stop-3.html

 

And, if I may... This is not your fault. I can imagine that you have been a loyal and loving wife and NOTHING that you could ever do should warrant this kind of hurtful and disrespectful behavior from the person who is supposed to love you most and treat you above all others. His decisions and his behavior is his to own. Don't ever think differently or let anyone tell you differently. You are not to blame!

Edited by BaileyB
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MountainGirl111

It sounds like your husband has a sex addiction and that is a serious problem that many people don't take serious.

 

Other kinds of addiction are a bit more out in the open talked about and there have been 12 step programs and treatment centers for decades for those.

 

But for some reason, sex addiction is not as openly addressed and seems to brings more shame.

 

But sex addiction causes a lot of destructive things, hurt, pain, risky behaviors, depending on what the person does to get their fix. He needs professional help and you probably do too. I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care.

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Porn usage is normal.

 

But therein lies a huge challenge for the OP if she goes forward in her marriage. She'll have to have zero tolerance for sexual material, anything could be a trigger. Just as an alcoholic in recovery doesn't go in bars, her H will have to avoid similar exposure.

 

greyseason, make sure you understand what you'd be signing up for, you'll be on red alert for decades to come. Not how I'd want to live my life :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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greyseason

You ALL have helped me feel so supported and not alone. THANK YOU so much!

 

I got tested for STDs a year ago. I clearly need to again. :-/

 

I never imagined this would be my reality and I've been in denial and shock the last year. Someone asked what we've done to help our situation. My husband went to a men's conference and then showed his remorse and I guess I just continued to wait and hope it would go away. It hasn't. Now I need to shake out of the shock and act. I'm extremely heartbroken. And I seem to be yearning for the life we had.

 

One other question: Is it possible to find men who are always faithful? I feel jaded. I'm raising three sons and I'm terrified now.

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Now I need to shake out of the shock and act. I'm extremely heartbroken. And I seem to be yearning for the life we had.

 

This is called grief. You can't avoid it, you can only feel it.

 

Be kind to yourself. It will take time to get used to a new normal as you work toward possibly creating a new life for your family.

 

You are a brave and strong woman. You should be proud of yourself for having the self respect to say - "I will not allow you to do this to me any more..." God bless.

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You ALL have helped me feel so supported and not alone. THANK YOU so much!

 

I got tested for STDs a year ago. I clearly need to again. :-/

 

I never imagined this would be my reality and I've been in denial and shock the last year. Someone asked what we've done to help our situation. My husband went to a men's conference and then showed his remorse and I guess I just continued to wait and hope it would go away. It hasn't. Now I need to shake out of the shock and act. I'm extremely heartbroken. And I seem to be yearning for the life we had.

 

One other question: Is it possible to find men who are always faithful? I feel jaded. I'm raising three sons and I'm terrified now.

 

Denial, shock and yearning for "the life we had" is pretty much a textbook response. Marriage (especially with kids) is no small investment. We all thought infidelity would be a dealbreaker and probably thought it wasn't possible for our spouse. It's really hard to let go of that investment. You've spent years of your life steeling yourself for a lifetime commitment. It's not like you flip a switch and walk away.

 

But you do have to realize that you didn't cause this. Seriously. There's no flaw in you that made this happen. The flaw and brokenness is in him.

 

You also must realize that you can't "nice" him back. Since the flaw isn't in you, the solution doesn't have to do with you either. The reality is that the more you offer him a soft landing from his disastrous decisions, the more that you enable the behavior to continue.

 

My $.02 is that you take a stance. Married men don't get to play single. When they do, their wife files for divorce. You don't accept unacceptable treatment. And you show him that with your actions. By doing so, you also retain your self-respect, which I bet has taken quite a hit from this whole ordeal. The onus is now on him to convince you why he shouldn't be divorced. You file. And you keep proceeding until such time as he convinces you with his "consistent actions over time" that he is truly remorseful and changed. If he does, you can always pause the proceedings. If he doesn't, then you're on the way to the divorce that you need.

 

Read up on "the 180" and implement it. That's your only hope of salvaging this marriage. And if it doesn't work, nothing would have.

 

Keep reading and posting. There's support for you here.

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There's no flaw in you that made this happen. The flaw and brokenness is in him.

 

Since the flaw isn't in you, the solution doesn't have to do with you either. The reality is that the more you offer him a soft landing from his disastrous decisions, the more that you enable the behavior to continue.

 

Married men don't get to play single. When they do, their wife files for divorce. You don't accept unacceptable treatment. And you show him that with your actions. By doing so, you also retain your self-respect, which I bet has taken quite a hit from this whole ordeal.

 

Well said. In your moments of doubt, reread these words because there is wisdom in what has been shared.

Edited by BaileyB
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One other question: Is it possible to find men who are always faithful?

 

While I'll say yes, the reverse is also true - there are some men that will never be faithful. Every guy with a decently large circle of friends knows someone like this. When we travel somewhere, he's the first one looking up strip clubs. Catch a beer after the game, he's sizing up every hostess and waitress. No matter how beautiful/faithful/capable his wife or GF is, his eye is always on the next prize. And it's always the chase that hooks him, he has no interest in any relationship beyond the conquest.

 

Absolutely no boundaries, healthy or otherwise. Hopefully, this isn't the partner you've chosen...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Originally Posted by greyseason

One other question: Is it possible to find men who are always faithful?

 

 

I know a lot of men that do NOT

“ indulged in chat rooms, web cam sessions, paid porn sites, Craig's List encounters, and more. He took it further and paid for massage sessions, strip clubs, and sex with escorts. He travels often for work and over the last couple years, he has been with escorts over 60 times. The latest girl turned into a fling, who he took to dinner, flew to see her, bought her gifts, and paid her bills.”

 

You can do a LOT better than what you have now for a husband!

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