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What a mess Im in.. .


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Ok, I will try to keep this short as possible. I really need help.

 

Married 8 years. Rough stuff the first 4 years of marriage with spouse.

Things got better, sorta, but not really, spouse kept betraying me.

 

Im 42, with two children . My husband is 40.

 

I felt disconnected from my husband, but never wanted to cheat. I have never cheated. In 2015 I started going to a gym to lose weight.

I met a random younger guy, who looked 20 years old at the time, I wasnt attracted to him at all. But I dont know what happened, we started talking and working out together. After MONTHS and months of him pursuing me , we finally hooked up. The talk was never sexual, no sexting, no nude pics, nothing. He never complimented me or told me I was amazing. We talked about barely little but when we talked, we always laughed and had a good time. We talked on the phone a few times a day and texted a few times a day,not much. We arent big texters. He was single, turned out to be 28 years old. We slept together 8 times in 2015, I tried to end it a few times but the sex was amazing and we just had such great chemistry. I never stayed at his house long, we didnt cuddle after sex , or anything. He said it was just a fwb for him. One time when I ended it, I realised I had feelings for him. I dont know why because we are so different, but it just happened. We slept together 3 times in 2016 and I ended it completely April 2016. He would messaged me occasionally like every few days wanting to hook up but that was it.He never asked how I was, nothing. This went on. A month once went by when I didnt hear from him. But still for a year, kept hearing from him. He told me he got back with his mother of his child, in October of 2016. She moved in with him. He still kept pursuing me. A few weeks ago, he messaged me. Told me he misses me, everything about me, our laughs, the sex, us. He had NEVER told me, and I admit, I was carrying on with my life, but still thinking and dreaming of him daily for some reason. Never had a person have a hold on me like that. Well 2 weeks ago, I was walking the track which is by his house, and he turned up. He knows my routine, I didnt tell him I was there. We ended up having sex there on the grass, he had told me his gf went to the ER with chest pains. I was like WTF youre with me doing this and shes off at the hospital, but whatever. It was quick . I tried not to, but I hooked up again with him this week. He is now wanting us to pick back up, wants me to go to his house and have sex with him, get hotel rooms, go away with him, full fledge like weve never done before. I said NO. Im not going to continue this . He has a gf now. Last time, he was single. I have been trying to improve my marriage. Yet I still have feelings for him. I NEED to move on. Ive tried NO contact. I want to know WHY I have feelings for him. Hes not that great. He never gave me emotional connection, just sexual. Hes a douchebag. Im not saying im great, I did cheat. I know that was crappy. But he even said he wanted to have sex in his bed and not wash his sheets.....like who does that. Please be gentle with me, but keep it real.

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You want to end because ...........................it's not right for him to

cheat on his GF?momma baby?

 

What about you and your BH?

 

Here is how you end your affair. Go NC with him. Go to another gym,

change all of your e contacts so he does not know how to break NC,

new email, phone number, close Fbook, etc. Block his number.

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Ok, I will try to keep this short as possible. I really need help.

 

Married 8 years. Rough stuff the first 4 years of marriage with spouse.

Things got better, sorta, but not really, spouse kept betraying me.

 

Im 42, with two children . My husband is 40.

 

I felt disconnected from my husband, but never wanted to cheat. I have never cheated. In 2015 I started going to a gym to lose weight.

I met a random younger guy, who looked 20 years old at the time, I wasnt attracted to him at all. But I dont know what happened, we started talking and working out together. After MONTHS and months of him pursuing me , we finally hooked up. The talk was never sexual, no sexting, no nude pics, nothing. He never complimented me or told me I was amazing. We talked about barely little but when we talked, we always laughed and had a good time. We talked on the phone a few times a day and texted a few times a day,not much. We arent big texters. He was single, turned out to be 28 years old. We slept together 8 times in 2015, I tried to end it a few times but the sex was amazing and we just had such great chemistry. I never stayed at his house long, we didnt cuddle after sex , or anything. He said it was just a fwb for him. One time when I ended it, I realised I had feelings for him. I dont know why because we are so different, but it just happened. We slept together 3 times in 2016 and I ended it completely April 2016. He would messaged me occasionally like every few days wanting to hook up but that was it.He never asked how I was, nothing. This went on. A month once went by when I didnt hear from him. But still for a year, kept hearing from him. He told me he got back with his mother of his child, in October of 2016. She moved in with him. He still kept pursuing me. A few weeks ago, he messaged me. Told me he misses me, everything about me, our laughs, the sex, us. He had NEVER told me, and I admit, I was carrying on with my life, but still thinking and dreaming of him daily for some reason. Never had a person have a hold on me like that. Well 2 weeks ago, I was walking the track which is by his house, and he turned up. He knows my routine, I didnt tell him I was there. We ended up having sex there on the grass, he had told me his gf went to the ER with chest pains. I was like WTF youre with me doing this and shes off at the hospital, but whatever. It was quick . I tried not to, but I hooked up again with him this week. He is now wanting us to pick back up, wants me to go to his house and have sex with him, get hotel rooms, go away with him, full fledge like weve never done before. I said NO. Im not going to continue this . He has a gf now. Last time, he was single. I have been trying to improve my marriage. Yet I still have feelings for him. I NEED to move on. Ive tried NO contact. I want to know WHY I have feelings for him. Hes not that great. He never gave me emotional connection, just sexual. Hes a douchebag. Im not saying im great, I did cheat. I know that was crappy. But he even said he wanted to have sex in his bed and not wash his sheets.....like who does that. Please be gentle with me, but keep it real.

 

OK first the guy you hooked up with sees you nothing more then a place to dump his sperm.

enjoying sex with him because a young man pursuing you strokes your ego well enough to enjoy it with some sexual skills. You're on mid 40's he's on late 20's you're just an easy lay for him. do you have any self respect. he's just playing on your vulnerability . and you're not any better compared to him if he's single you're OK now he's having a gf is your problem what kinda attitude is that doesn't really bother about your family hope they find happiness elsewhere.

What is the betrayal from your spouse can you explain it bit more and you have feelings for OM dah be realistic he doesn't give a **** about your feelings and it seems you're OK with it

To be honest I don't think you doing anything at all to improve your marriage come on having sex with a complete ******* and saying your trying to improve your marriage who are you cheating other then yourself. he's cheating on his gf when she's in hospital and you hooked up with him again and again and saying he's a douche bag. First learn to own your mistakes and accept the blame other then trying to blame others see what's wrong in yourself

You're just covering your unfaithfulness by blaming your husband for everything you done if you don't believe me read your post ones again you take your husband and kids for granted think what if they come to know all this ****. If you want to end this one's and for all you need to do is think realistic if you're unhappy get a divorce and move on don't cheat your husband and don't cheat your self. If you want to give your marriage any real chance to survive confess everything to your husband and take the blame for your action and see where it goes.

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Holy moley. And posters here think I'm too rough on men, that "men aren't really like that" or if nothing else, "my AP is different".

 

First off, OP, I'm so sorry for you. This is a terrible situation, and you have to try to get yourself out of it as quickly as possible. And that means making a decision, right now, as you read these words, to cut this man out of your life. It's in your hands, it always has been and always will be as to who you sleep with, who you associate with, and how you interact with others. You are NOT powerless to resist him, you are not impossibly drawn to him. You are a grown woman, make the decision to ghost this a**hole and never look back.

 

You seem to have found one of the few male APs who's, if nothing else, relatively honest with his intentions. This man sees you as a sexual object, a fling, someone who's entire purpose in his world is to provide him with sex. If you just want sex, he might be a good person for you to date; break it off with your current man and become one of his girls. But, if you, like 99% of women, want to have a relationship with someone who cares about you, this isn't going anywhere. He's shown you what he thinks of you, he's using you for sex and your actions are telling him "I'm OK with that". And maybe you are, but, let me caution you, this life leads to good orgasms, but not a whole lot else. Kiss the marriage, kids, house with the fence, respect... Kiss all that goodbye, because you're never going to get that here.

 

Was he really single last time? I kind of doubt it, but hey, what difference does it make, he might have been between GFs. You were married, you were the one who has ALWAYS had the responsibility to say no. He's a man, and like many men, will sleep with anyone who says yes to him and is attractive at all; it's not a position of honor to sleep with a man like this, it's just taking your place in line.

 

This is not your husband's fault. He did not push you to this. It's also not the OM's fault. He's just an a**hole, but, that's to be expected from men who pursue married women. This is on you, you have to stop this, you have to fix things with your husband, and you need to stop inviting creeps to sleep with you.

 

And ladies, please take a look at how this AP speaks to his "girl". I have to give credit where it's due, he's actually stating his real intentions in entering an A. And this is the reality for all of the male A's that I know of, their goal, their intention and their feelings all revolve around having sex with you; the stuff they say isn't because they love you, it's because that's the easiest way to have sex. But we've finally come across a male AP who seems to mirror what my associates tell me about their female APs; you never want to be that girl, and to the OP, you want to stop being this girl right now.

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Friskyone4u

Transitions,

 

What advice do you want. You are cheating on your husband and will eventually get caught and probably lose everything or face years of emotional hell. You want help.

 

(1) stop going to that gym

(2) block him on all social media

(3) don't go on the damm running track where he can find you.

(4) tell him to stop contacting you or that you will tell his girlfriend

(5) confess to your husband

 

You other option is to continue to be his side piece until you get caught. Don't think you will find much of a pity party at your terrivble situation that YOU are causing and have not made any real attempt to stop because you have done none of the above and probably will not.

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Thank you all. Yes, I know I'm wrong . I have blocked him from all contacts . He did at least be honest with me, I think I was vulnerable and naive and thought he would eventually care for me. I used sex to try to get love but it didnt work. Honestly I would never get caught. My husband doesn't care about me enough to notice anything . I can stay out , go away , do anything . He just doesn't care . He's not abusive , but he's an addict . So he's usually obliterated or wrapped in his own world to care for mine . I actually did leave him but I came back bc I had to have surgery and he asked me to come back for the kids. We haven't slept in the same bed in a year ( his idea). I know it's wrong to cheat but my honest lack of guilt comes from my anger toward him . I guess I had no self respect to agree to have sex with this person bc of the things that have happened to me in the past . I've had counselling but it did nothing for me. My rational side screams at me that I'm such an idiot . My heart tells me I have feelings for this OM. But I believe I just wanted the feelings ,not had them .

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Friskyone4u
Thank you all. Yes, I know I'm wrong . I have blocked him from all contacts . He did at least be honest with me, I think I was vulnerable and naive and thought he would eventually care for me. I used sex to try to get love but it didnt work. Honestly I would never get caught. My husband doesn't care about me enough to notice anything . I can stay out , go away , do anything . He just doesn't care . He's not abusive , but he's an addict . So he's usually obliterated or wrapped in his own world to care for mine . I actually did leave him but I came back bc I had to have surgery and he asked me to come back for the kids. We haven't slept in the same bed in a year ( his idea). I know it's wrong to cheat but my honest lack of guilt comes from my anger toward him . I guess I had no self respect to agree to have sex with this person bc of the things that have happened to me in the past . I've had counselling but it did nothing for me. My rational side screams at me that I'm such an idiot . My heart tells me I have feelings for this OM. But I believe I just wanted the feelings ,not had them .

 

Forget the affair for a minute. Is this the way you want to live your life , with an abusive addict husband. Get to an attorney and find out your rights.

 

Not unusual. The price for the emotional connection that many women need when entering an affair is the sex. You're actually lucky the OM just wanted in your pants and nothing else because if he wanted more it would certainly increase your chances of getting caught.

 

Do not underestimate the reaction of an abusing BH if you do get caught. I think you are trying to rationalize here.

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My husband doesn't care about me enough to notice anything . I can stay out , go away , do anything . He just doesn't care . He's not abusive , but he's an addict . So he's usually obliterated or wrapped in his own world to care for mine .

 

So, he's obliterated and you're off with your boy toy. Who is watching the kids?

 

Have you ever heard of talk therapy, I think it would be great for you. You have so much to say and much more to heal.

 

There's a great mom in you, a great woman. Stop punishing yourself with bad behavior.

 

A few months ago a couple was arrested for having sex in the park, everyone had their cameras out as they got cuffed. You should have seen the looks on their faces. Man looked as if he were dead man walking, the woman was bent at the waist trying to hide her face as she bawled. That could have been you. Don't put yourself in situations that will bring shame to your children and you.

 

Time to leave the addict and clean up your life. And don't forget look up talk therapy.

 

You can do this.

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Mrs. John Adams

wow...thats quite a story.

 

Divorce your husband...he deserves better. Dump your boy toy...he is using you for sex period.

 

Get therapy because you have some real issues.

 

Good luck.

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The first thing I would do, see a lawyer to learn my options and divorce my husband. That sounds like an absolutely miserable way to live...

 

Then, you really do need to block the other man. Any man who chases and has sex with another man's wife is not a good man. He has also not been respectful of your attempts to end the relationship. He is bad news!

 

Are you really so lonely and so needing of love that you are willing to accept this man into your life - when he clearly does not have your best interest at heart?

 

You also need to find another counsellor to help you to get your head and your life back together. What you have been doing may feel like it is meeting a need, but it is self destructive - for you and for your children. Get help!

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What is best for the kids? Modeling a marriage where neither sleep in the same bed and both cheat isn't.

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I've read tons of stories like this one, and there is almost always the same thought process.

 

The ws says their marriage is terrible, their spouse ignores them etc. and they have an A.

 

If the marriage and bs are so horrible, why does the ws feel fine leaving the kids in their care while they are out with the om/ow?

 

If the marriage is so terrible, why hide the A? Why have an A in the first place instead of seeking a divorce?

 

Then the kids are often trotted out as a reason for staying ( can' leave as that would hurt the kids) even though they are doing the one thing they know could very well blow the marriage part on really bad terms.

 

OP, you sound very much like you are using the om as crutch to keep your marriage together, which you say is making you miserable. If that's the case, and if your husband either can't change or refuses to try, then you really need to be worrying about what your next steps will be and not waste your mental energy on a young man who was just using you for sex.

 

Also, don't blame your marriage for your behavior. You cheated because you felt like it. The good thing is that a behavior you can chose is behavior you can change.

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Thanks for the replies, just writing this all out helped .

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I've read tons of stories like this one, and there is almost always the same thought process.

 

The ws says their marriage is terrible, their spouse ignores them etc. and they have an A.

 

If the marriage and bs are so horrible, why does the ws feel fine leaving the kids in their care while they are out with the om/ow?

 

If the marriage is so terrible, why hide the A? Why have an A in the first place instead of seeking a divorce?

 

Then the kids are often trotted out as a reason for staying ( can' leave as that would hurt the kids) even though they are doing the one thing they know could very well blow the marriage part on really bad terms.

 

OP, you sound very much like you are using the om as crutch to keep your marriage together, which you say is making you miserable. If that's the case, and if your husband either can't change or refuses to try, then you really need to be worrying about what your next steps will be and not waste your mental energy on a young man who was just using you for sex.

 

Also, don't blame your marriage for your behavior. You cheated because you felt like it. The good thing is that a behavior you can chose is behavior you can change.

 

My kids were fine but im not here to discuss them.

Im not blaming anyone for my A. I chose to do it.

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Betrayed&Stayed
I said NO. Im not going to continue this . He has a gf now. Last time, he was single.

 

I'm speechless. Really. Wow.

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understand50

Transitions12,

 

Stop. Stop having the affair, and cheating. This just lowers yourself, and make you miss what you need to do.

 

Stop, complaining and take action with your marriage. If it is as bad as you say, divorce. Take action. Right now you are allowing life to make you a victim, and you do not see it is your actions that brought you here. You got married, you accepted your husbands actions, and you decided to cheat. I think you need to take positive action, be it divorce, telling your FWB NO, and quit being at mercy from yourself. You did all this, you can fix it. Take action. Do it today. You are not a bad person, but one who needs to take charge, of yourself.

 

I wish you luck....

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Transitions12
Transitions12,

 

Stop. Stop having the affair, and cheating. This just lowers yourself, and make you miss what you need to do.

 

Stop, complaining and take action with your marriage. If it is as bad as you say, divorce. Take action. Right now you are allowing life to make you a victim, and you do not see it is your actions that brought you here. You got married, you accepted your husbands actions, and you decided to cheat. I think you need to take positive action, be it divorce, telling your FWB NO, and quit being at mercy from yourself. You did all this, you can fix it. Take action. Do it today. You are not a bad person, but one who needs to take charge, of yourself.

 

I wish you luck....

Thank you.

My husband was NOT like this when I married him. LOL Otherwise, I would not have married him. He was a recovered addict. But then he started popping pills. I dont have control of him. A lot of other things happened.

 

You are right. I need to take positive action.

I have already talked to him about me leaving several times. He keeps saying he will change. He does change, for a little while, gets help, and then relapses. Im sure I will leave him, eventually. I dont think IM a victim at all. I just stated facts of things that happened. I chose to do what I did, of course. For whatever reason. But you are right, thank you.

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My kids were fine but im not here to discuss them.

Im not blaming anyone for my A. I chose to do it.

 

You have to decide what's best for you. Life is short and there are no moral police.

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What is best for the kids? Modeling a marriage where neither sleep in the same bed and both cheat isn't.

 

Theres a lot of couples that dont sleep together . We dont sleep together because he gets sick alot from pills. PIll sick, puking all night. I work 60 hours a week and I need to SLEEP so I can work. Everytime he tried to sleep with me he gets too hot and gets nauseated, so he wants to sleep by himself. But I know many people that dont sleep together that are married.

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I'm speechless. Really. Wow.

 

Why because I typed that i chose to not continue the A after a year of being apart because he has a girlfriend ? Obviously thats not all i just was trying to be quick in my typing.

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I chose to do what I did, of course. For whatever reason.

 

The good news is, just as you chose to have sex with another man, you can make a different decision any time...

 

It's easy to see that you have problems in your marriage that have left you feeling unloved and unhappy. But, at a certain point, it doesn't really matter what reason contributes to the affair. The simple fact is, you made a terrible decision and you must own that. And to move forward, you need to make a different decision - to deal with the problems in your marriage and take back your self respect.

 

You NEED to stop having sex with a man who has used you in the worst way... As you decided to let him into your life, you simply need to decide to respect yourself and your family enough to get him out of your life.

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