One Sided Reconciliation?

[saddad44]

Basically, married 10 years. Have one child.

 

We both cheated on each other (the circumstances seem irrelevant now, ask if it's important). I did first, then she did.

 

We have been going to therapy for a little over 2 months now. We haven't made much progress. She has gone into shut down mode and I have gone into the opposite. She wants space, I want to talk about it. There is no compromise. I have been working (at the therapists advise) on giving her space and trying not to talk about the relationship much.

 

However, when we have talked about it, it's very discouraging. She seems obsessed with changing who she is. She insists that it's just 'who she is'. I have known her almost 25 years, I know who she is. I can't tell if it's just the anger or her changing from the pain of the situation.

 

The 'new' person I do not like. She's cold, distant, zero emotions, etc. She has expressed she 'isn't an affectionate person and always just put on a show for me to make me happy'.

 

Are we incompatible? Am I fighting a losing battle? I don't want my son to grow up in a broken up, but I also don't want to go through all of this pain and hurt (both sides) and end up unhappy anyway. Are we simply incompatible? She calls me 'needy', because I want affection and to touch, and sleep together, snuggle etc. But she isn't interested in that (now or in the future, at least frequently as before).

 

What do I do? HELP!

 

Signed,

 

Scared Husband & Father

[BluesPower]

Why are you scared???

 

I just don't get that. Are you a grown man. Scared of her leaving you?

 

Listen to what she is saying... She does not love you. I will bet the sex life sucks.

 

You are trying to nice her back into loving you. It will not work. Fact is she is probably having another affair. If she is not, she is not into you.

 

And if you don't like the MC, find one that you do. Why do you think she is clamming up?

 

Listen, weakness in a man it the most sure fire turn off for a woman. I do not care what any of them or the marriage counselor says.

 

You know what another word for needy is...Weak.

 

I am not sure that you can turn this around, but if there is a chance, you need to man up like yesterday.

 

How long ago were the affairs? When did things get this way?

 

 

Give us some more info. Are there and red flags in her behavior?

[saddad44]

Why are you scared???

 

I just don't get that. Are you a grown man. Scared of her leaving you?

 

Listen to what she is saying... She does not love you. I will bet the sex life sucks.

 

You are trying to nice her back into loving you. It will not work. Fact is she is probably having another affair. If she is not, she is not into you.

 

And if you don't like the MC, find one that you do. Why do you think she is clamming up?

 

Listen, weakness in a man it the most sure fire turn off for a woman. I do not care what any of them or the marriage counselor says.

 

You know what another word for needy is...Weak.

 

I am not sure that you can turn this around, but if there is a chance, you need to man up like yesterday.

 

How long ago were the affairs? When did things get this way?

 

 

Give us some more info. Are there and red flags in her behavior?

 

We basically haven't had any sex. Once or twice since January. Zero emotions or feelings it seems like. She has completely detached emotionally and physically. She doesn't want to divorce and 'wants to work it out' she says. She says she needs a lot of time to sort out her feelings. '

 

I do like our MC. She doesn't take him seriously I don't think and we actually had a session yesterday and she opted to skip it.

 

My affair was about 5 months ago, hers was in march. She blames it all on me. She told me she was going to her family's house and letting off steam until I caught her. She was immediately remorseful then turned around by the next day and did the anger thing and put all the blame on me for the situation and her affair.

 

I am horrified to leave her because I love her. We both made mistakes. We grew up together, know each other most our lives, but I am losing hope. I also am scared to put my kid through hat as well.

 

At first I thought maybe she was still having the affair or something was going on, but I'm pretty good at investigating and that isn't the case.

[Marc878]

If you give chase or do the "pick me dance" at this time it will push her farther away. It's best to go your own way for now.

 

Your love in this circumstance will not last forever.

[Snow7]

I think you need to let the marriage counseling play out a bit longer. Your affairs are relatively recent. Yours was first and she may have put walls up to protect herself. Give her some space and keep going to counseling. Maybe talk to the counselor alone and ask him/her advice on how you should approach this.

[Mr. Lucky]

Are we incompatible? Am I fighting a losing battle? I don't want my son to grow up in a broken up, but I also don't want to go through all of this pain and hurt (both sides) and end up unhappy anyway. Are we simply incompatible? She calls me 'needy', because I want affection and to touch, and sleep together, snuggle etc. But she isn't interested in that (now or in the future, at least frequently as before).

 

What do I do? HELP!

 

Signed,

 

Scared Husband & Father

 

I'd suggest giving yourself a deadline, you might even share it with her. Tell her "I'm going to work my butt off for the next year trying to address my half of our relationship. I hope you'll join me in doing the same. But if there's no progress, there's no point in going on. This isn't the marriage I want our son to see growing up."

 

Knowing there's light at the end of the tunnel - either way - will help you keep your sanity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[submart]

How long in length was your affair and how did she find out about it?

 

What led to you having an affair? (i.e. more random or quick because of feeling bored or horny or was it an emotional affair first?)

 

An affair causes trust to be eroded in a relationship and that is maybe why she is in "shut down mode." She may be feeling emotionally numb. Time with help with this as will having an emotionally open relationship where you work to repair this trust. However, she doesn't look like she is ready for such emotional discussions yet.

 

As for wanting to change herself...

How old were you when you got married?

Did you both have other romantic relationships?

Does she work outside the home?

 

And what was she like before your affair from an emotional standpoint?

[aileD]

It's too soon to expect miracles. Recovery and reconciliation from an affair can take 2-5 years of working on it.

 

It's just so soon.....I get that you want to work on it and dig in and hash it out....I was like that too. But it's a slow slow slow process.

 

What's good is that she says she WANTS to work it out. It takes two to try.

 

I think you need to take a deep breath and slow down. It's going to take a lot longer than Two months to heal this.

 

If you are complete opposites, that doesn't mean it can't work. Me and H are navigating through that now. We are total opposites in the way we communicate, the way we love, the way we parent, everything. But our counselor (we are 8 months in to it) is helping us figure all that out and how it's not a deal breaker for marriage.

 

I think you're freaking out too soon. Slow and steady wins the race.

 

Being that her affair was so recent are you sure it's over? Was it emotional or a one night stand?

[BluesPower]

We basically haven't had any sex. Once or twice since January. Zero emotions or feelings it seems like. She has completely detached emotionally and physically. She doesn't want to divorce and 'wants to work it out' she says. She says she needs a lot of time to sort out her feelings. '

 

I do like our MC. She doesn't take him seriously I don't think and we actually had a session yesterday and she opted to skip it.

 

My affair was about 5 months ago, hers was in march. She blames it all on me. She told me she was going to her family's house and letting off steam until I caught her. She was immediately remorseful then turned around by the next day and did the anger thing and put all the blame on me for the situation and her affair.

 

I am horrified to leave her because I love her. We both made mistakes. We grew up together, know each other most our lives, but I am losing hope. I also am scared to put my kid through hat as well.

 

At first I thought maybe she was still having the affair or something was going on, but I'm pretty good at investigating and that isn't the case.

 

Brother, I don't even know what to say... With all do respect, you have no idea how to deal with affairs. Your wife is still having hers. Trust me on that. Either with the same guy or a different one.

 

You need to read about some of this stuff and learn a little more. At this point, missing MC, that is just the tip of the ice burg.

 

It takes much longer for anyone to get over an affair, you included.

 

Your situation is much worse than you realize. And let me guess, the MC is not dealing with the affairs right now, just the issues in the marriage.

 

That is the most wrong tactic ever and a ton of MC's try to do that. It is BS.

 

She gas lit you from the beginning and turned it around on you and you let her. She is still in that affair. I think you need to file for D and maybe that will wake here up, and maybe not.

 

Please wake up to what people are telling you...

[saddad44]

Brother, I don't even know what to say... With all do respect, you have no idea how to deal with affairs. Your wife is still having hers. Trust me on that. Either with the same guy or a different one.

 

You need to read about some of this stuff and learn a little more. At this point, missing MC, that is just the tip of the ice burg.

 

It takes much longer for anyone to get over an affair, you included.

 

Your situation is much worse than you realize. And let me guess, the MC is not dealing with the affairs right now, just the issues in the marriage.

 

That is the most wrong tactic ever and a ton of MC's try to do that. It is BS.

 

She gas lit you from the beginning and turned it around on you and you let her. She is still in that affair. I think you need to file for D and maybe that will wake here up, and maybe not.

 

Please wake up to what people are telling you...

 

I have gps on her phone and monitor it. I really don't Buy she is still having an affair.

 

The situation is quite bad. I have a lawyer picked out and all his paperwork filed out. I just haven't actually retained him yet or given him the paperwork yet.

 

I don't buy that her affair wasn't my fault. I don't accept her behavior of ignoring me and completely shutting me out.

 

I want to make it work but I don't know if I can.

[saddad44]

I do feel like due to her behavior I have not been able to emotionally deal with her affair, because I'm the only glue holding us even remotely together as a family unit including cooking, cleaning, working, etc. She is a stay at home mom.

 

I also fear this is only going to empower her further in the future to be horrible to me or ignore me. She has taken this 'individual' mentality. Which of course is never bad to maintain, but there must be some form of collectivism in marriage as well. She was always unaffectionate and i think this is going to make it worse.

 

I wasn't super happy in our sex love prior, we had a lot of sex, probably 2 times a week on average, but it was he same and she refused to do anything about t even when I asked or tried to talk to her. She always just enjoyed it the way it was and she initiated the majority of it.

 

As far as the affairs, I moved out late December and after two weeks got drunk and made a mistake I regret. It happened over the course of a weekend a few times. By the time I sobered up and thought about it I couldn't live with myself and went and faced up to my wife. It was horrible.

 

Two months after that we were living together (in separate bedrooms mostly) but still trying to figure things out and she started leaving on the weekends and saying she was going to family's house to unwind. Turns out she was meeting an old friend of mine and getting wasted smoking pot and having sex. Her lasted about 5 weeks. It also included a dialogue of chats, lewd chat and sex pics. I caught her because she left her Facebook up one night she was going to spend the night with him and I saw it he next day before she came home.

[Mr. Lucky]

As far as the affairs, I moved out late December and after two weeks got drunk and made a mistake I regret. It happened over the course of a weekend a few times. By the time I sobered up and thought about it I couldn't live with myself and went and faced up to my wife. It was horrible.

 

Two months after that we were living together (in separate bedrooms mostly) but still trying to figure things out and she started leaving on the weekends and saying she was going to family's house to unwind. Turns out she was meeting an old friend of mine and getting wasted smoking pot and having sex. Her lasted about 5 weeks. It also included a dialogue of chats, lewd chat and sex pics. I caught her because she left her Facebook up one night she was going to spend the night with him and I saw it he next day before she came home.

 

Other than your son (and I understand keeping the home together for him), why do you want to stay together? I don't get the sense there's much of a bond holding things in place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[saddad44]

Other than your son (and I understand keeping the home together for him), why do you want to stay together? I don't get the sense there's much of a bond holding things in place...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We grew up together and just have so much history and memories.

 

It all seems to be ruined. I am just not ready to let go, but I feel like I am getting close and feel guilty about it.

 

However, I do know I deserve to be treated better. We both messed up. We both need to share in he responsibility and hats just not the case. Honestly it's causing a lot of resentment within me. I am having a hard time 'giving her space' like she wants and living like room mates, while she sits around all day and smokes pot and does nothing. It's so frustrating.

 

But I love her so damn much, she was always my dream girl, my girl next door. I always thought we were going to be together forever. All of our friends group always said we were gonna be the one couple that was gonna make it, now I'm not so sure. And I don't know what to do or how to handle it. On top of that I'm being pressured by my mom to stick it out because of our son.

 

Ugh. I can't sleep at night, I can't focus at work. Seems I'm just in shambles. I have been spending he last few days trying to detach and it's really not working. You build your entire life around and with someone and it shatters. It's not easy to deal with or figure out what to do.

[saddad44]

And no, there is zero bonding going on. I have a lot of resentment for a lot of things inside me. She was going and buying new outfits and sexy clothes before she went to his house, something she never did for me. I don't think there was an emotional thing here, maybe for her, but not him. I think it was revenge or just her seeking attention. Dunno.

 

It's just all very hurtful. And for all of it to be my fault completely. Zero ownership on her end.

 

I left in the first place because I was unhappy. I planned on separating for a few weeks and clearing my head, obviously that was a bad idea.

[Mr. Lucky]

You build your entire life around and with someone and it shatters. It's not easy to deal with or figure out what to do.

 

You don't have to figure out what to do because there's only one choice - move forward. You have a child depending on you, no other way to go.

 

Again saddad44, I'd commit to being all-in on your marriage for some length of time and tell her that's what you're doing. She can participate on not and her response will be telling. If she stays detached and resentful then you know you tried your best and it's time to move on with your life. Having a plan takes you out of the limbo you currently find yourself in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[saddad44]

You don't have to figure out what to do because there's only one choice - move forward. You have a child depending on you, no other way to go.

 

Again saddad44, I'd commit to being all-in on your marriage for some length of time and tell her that's what you're doing. She can participate on not and her response will be telling. If she stays detached and resentful then you know you tried your best and it's time to move on with your life. Having a plan takes you out of the limbo you currently find yourself in...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, Mr. Lucky.

 

I set my goal previously as end of school, which is about 3 weeks away. If there was zero progress by then I was going to call it. I've been trying to detach the past few days, it hasn't been easy. But I think I have been successful - at least externally.

 

I just really question our compatibility at this point. I know we both love each other, but that isn't enough - we all know that.

 

I think if she skips MC again next week it will upset me greatly. We'll see. Going by myself is helpful though. The crazy part is, I know she loves me to death, she doesn't want to divorce, she wants to work it out, but this has changed her into someone I don't know anymore. I worry 'sticking' it out is just going to be a waste of time because of this new person she has turned into - or is it just the anger/guilt? I can't tell. I also don't know if I want to.

 

I have gotten to the point of such internal anger and resentment that I'm starting to lose faith and any care that I had. That makes me sad.

[JuneL]

It sounds like your wife's affair is a revenge one. It also sounds like you have become more attracted to your wife at the primal level now that she's busy living her life like a single woman.

[saddad44]

It sounds like your wife's affair is a revenge one. It also sounds like you have become more attracted to your wife at the primal level now that she's busy living her life like a single woman.

 

 

Might be true. What is the point?

[JuneL]

Might be true. What is the point?

 

Just trying to give you inputs of what's possibly going on...

[saddad44]

Just trying to give you inputs of what's possibly going on...

 

Thanks for the input!

 

One of the things that kills me he most is she was using one of her credit cards to go buy new outfits and sexy underwear etc before she would go see him. Go chill at his apartment and listen to music and have a few beers and chill.

 

I have begged her to do his with me for years, and she has always said I just need to accept her. It hurts when people do things for seemlingly unimportant people but not the important people.

 

Petty, I know, but in this kind of situation. Irving seems petty.

 

We had an okay weekend, nothing exciting but we also didn't really fight much. Of course, she didn't really do anything either.

 

We have counseling today, I am curious if she will show up or skip this week again.

[PegNosePete]

I know she loves me to death, she doesn't want to divorce

From what you've written, I don't think she does. I think she wants to remain married for other reasons than love. Probably financial, or stability while she establishes a foothold on single life.

 

We have counseling today, I am curious if she will show up or skip this week again.

I would tell her that if she skips it again then it will prove she is not interested in saving the marriage, and you will be filing for divorce tomorrow morning. Time to stop being a doormat, and be pro-active.

[Cephalopod]

It sounds to me like she wants out.

 

I'm sorry brother, but from what you have posted it looks like she has been wanting out for a long time, probably long before you guys separated back last year. You admit the marriage was on the rocks before you had your ONS.

 

She is emotionally detached from you, and once a woman unhooks from her man, it is nearly impossible for her to reattach, no matter what you do. She is lying when she tells you she wants to stay married. Believe what she does, not what she says. Her actions are telling you she has checked out.

 

I say be merciful to each other and divorce as amicably as possible. You both screwed up, except, as most women do, she won't admit her screw up. Once a woman justifies her actions in her mind, her mind is set in stone. It is always going to be your fault. You just have to accept that and move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

I say be merciful to each other and divorce as amicably as possible. You just have to accept that and move on.

 

Don't agree with all the generalizations about women but the above statements make sense. saddad44, you're trying to revive a corpse. Only one of you cares about the marriage, not enough to make it work...

 

Mr. Lucky

[saddad44]

Don't agree with all the generalizations about women but the above statements make sense. saddad44, you're trying to revive a corpse. Only one of you cares about the marriage, not enough to make it work...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Her attitude has gotten slightly better. She is touching me again and talking to me more (non relationship stuff). She showed up to counseling yesterday-we didn't really talk about relationship stuff we did a communications exercise as the therapist thought we could take a mental break and play a game to get communicating instead.

 

She did fly off the handles yesterday over something very minor but calmed down after a little while. Then we went to bed uneventfully.

 

It's like some days she's nice-ish and it gives me hope, then the best I have no idea. Almost gotten to the point I don't know what I want to do or even what I want.

 

I have tried to take our son out of the picture and ask what I would do, and I know the answer to that. I've always ready you shouldn't stay together for the kids..... I do t know.

[saddad44]

I need some advise on how people handle one-sided Rs? Married 10 years, long history (over 20 years of dating on and off again, grew up together etc). One child (aged 9).

 

Can they work? Any success stories?

 

Basically, we both cheated on each other (me first, hers revenge, I guess). She has almost completely shut down and detatched.

 

I have tried everything I can the past 3 months (being nice, talking, taking a stand, etc etc.). We have been going to counseling for about 3 months now. Doesn't seem to be helping, and I don't think she takes it seriously.

 

I had kind of given myself a deadline of when school was out so the kid wasn't uprooted, but that is quickly approaching (2 weeks) and I am completely lost!

 

She is almost completely detached physically and emotionally. My mind is a whirlwind, I can't figure out if this is worth fighting for or not. I love her, she loves me - but we all know that's not always enough. She won't take ownership of what she did and completely blames me for it, which hurts and makes it difficult for me to get over it.

 

Anyone have any advise on how to deal with this? I feel awkward in my own house/bed. I dread going home. I don't know how to fill my time. I feel like I can't go 'out' and hang with friends or it would upset her. Lost and feeling stuck....

 

Any advise/tips/opinions are appreciated for me!