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Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 8th May 2017, 8:52 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Deepremorse, with what you have revealed further in your posts, I can only say that you have worked yourself into a corner from which it is going to be very difficult for you to move out. I cannot imagine how, at your age and with the expected maturity levels that you should have had, you did what you have done. From what you have written your husband seems fabulous and not like most Indian Hindu husbands. Most men in your husband's place would expect their wives to be subservient to them even in this day and age. Your husband seems to have been a very enlightened man putting your needs and concerns ahead of his own. I just cannot begin to understand how you could convince yourself to cheat on a person like this. I wonder if you are an only child of your parents and have been spoiled silly?

Having said this I have also to say that both of you seem to be from a new generation of Indians who are Westernized and have a modern and liberated view of relationships and things in general. I presume you have a job or, at least, are qualified to work in the corporate world. That being so all I can say is that you now pick yourself up and get some counselling from a psychologist who specializes in personality problems and faulty traits which can lead to such catastrophic relational disasters. If you live in one of the metros I am sure you will find such people if you google them. Marriage counselling may seem a lost cause now that your husband has initiated divorce proceedings but it may still help you individually to realize where you messed up and how to avoid such pitfalls in the future. Luckily for you, divorce is not such a bad word in India these days and hopefully, you will be able to find someone else who will give you a chance at marital happiness. Have you cut off your relationship with your affair partner and if not, why not? Did you tell him that your marriage has floundered because of the affair that you two had? Had you ever told your husband about this ex BF of yours while you were still true to him? It seems your husband must have had his suspicions and had employed a Private Investigator to trail you and find out the gruesome details of your betrayal. That is why he had pictures which dated from a month ago at the time of your D Day. You need to find out how and why you could do this to someone who cared so much for you. My own opinion is that yours is a lost cause and the sooner you reconcile with that fact the better for you. Warm wishes.
Yes I am the only child. But my parents taught me well. Tend to consider my cousins as my siblings.
My husband takes his nature from my father in law.
My husband has changed me a lot. I can'tunderstand how I could be so stupid. I want to grow old with him. He has always told me that he will be always by my side no matter what. I guess I ruined that pure and honest relationship. Took things for granted. Paying the price.
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Old 8th May 2017, 9:01 AM   #47
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I had considered leaving my job after marriage. But stayed as I wanted to keep myself engaged. My husband and his family encouraged me to keep it. Should have left it as I had thought about crashing into my ex. Then I thought I will manage as I was strong. Guess I wasn't strong enough.
Since my dday I have not contacted him or he has contacted me. Got to know he has left the job the very next day and left the city. Not sure what happened.
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Old 8th May 2017, 9:09 AM   #48
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Hi Deepremorse, with what you have revealed further in your posts, I can only say that you have worked yourself into a corner from which it is going to be very difficult for you to move out. I cannot imagine how, at your age and with the expected maturity levels that you should have had, you did what you have done. From what you have written your husband seems fabulous and not like most Indian Hindu husbands. Most men in your husband's place would expect their wives to be subservient to them even in this day and age. Your husband seems to have been a very enlightened man putting your needs and concerns ahead of his own. I just cannot begin to understand how you could convince yourself to cheat on a person like this. I wonder if you are an only child of your parents and have been spoiled silly?

Having said this I have also to say that both of you seem to be from a new generation of Indians who are Westernized and have a modern and liberated view of relationships and things in general. I presume you have a job or, at least, are qualified to work in the corporate world. That being so all I can say is that you now pick yourself up and get some counselling from a psychologist who specializes in personality problems and faulty traits which can lead to such catastrophic relational disasters. If you live in one of the metros I am sure you will find such people if you google them. Marriage counselling may seem a lost cause now that your husband has initiated divorce proceedings but it may still help you individually to realize where you messed up and how to avoid such pitfalls in the future. Luckily for you, divorce is not such a bad word in India these days and hopefully, you will be able to find someone else who will give you a chance at marital happiness. Have you cut off your relationship with your affair partner and if not, why not? Did you tell him that your marriage has floundered because of the affair that you two had? Had you ever told your husband about this ex BF of yours while you were still true to him? It seems your husband must have had his suspicions and had employed a Private Investigator to trail you and find out the gruesome details of your betrayal. That is why he had pictures which dated from a month ago at the time of your D Day. You need to find out how and why you could do this to someone who cared so much for you. My own opinion is that yours is a lost cause and the sooner you reconcile with that fact the better for you. Warm wishes.
Yes I had mentioned about my ex bf. We had discussed about our past relationships with each other.
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Old 8th May 2017, 9:29 AM   #49
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I cheated on my husband of 2 years. We were together for 4 years. He has initiated the divorce proceedings. But I am having a hard time forgiving myself. Not sure if I would ever get out of this mess. I never got to speak with him after d day. I just once want the opportunity to speak with him. I have been waiting for him to just say something since d day happened 2 months back. I have this unimaginable pain inside me that is pulling me down. The guilt is too heavy for me to carry. Not sure what I am going to do next. Need some help from this community to help me cope with the situation.
I'm from India as well. I can understand what you are going through right now. Well speaking with the details your given it's quite obvious you took your husband for granted. First thing you shouldn't let your ex to interfere in your life again you know you have a history with him comeon 4 yrs of relationship in no joke and even after that he can't commit to get married to you and then the in love with him part you stated for your husband that love comes into play only after you get caught. And as you said you would have most likely continued your affair if your not caught so that shows it.both you and your ex both are cunning on your needs on your own ways you want him in your life despite being married like you said you showed resistance on physical part but what about the emotional state why you let him get to your head. Your ex is pretty cleaver not committed to you he just sees you as a good lay. And your husband not contacting you it's because he still loves you he knows he can still fall for you so he made a conscious effort to avoid it before divorce to safe guard him from further damage to himself. Overall he wants to move on doesn't want R the only thing you can do is work on your self and hope for a miracle if by any means your husband giving you a second chance. Just curious you said it's 2 months after Dday does you ex contacted you for anything like he wants you back in his life like if he has any real feelings for you.
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Old 8th May 2017, 9:30 AM   #50
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Hi Deepremorse, further to what I had posted above, I have to say that I think you have hurt your husband deeply and now it is just not possible for him to take you back in his life. If you knew that you would run into your ex BF if you joined work then you should have stayed away from working or, at least taken up a job with another company but not the one where he was working. Somebody suggested that if you truly love your husband then you should let him go gracefully and let him be at peace. If he comes face to face with you he may feel traumatized and you will get to see the pain that you have caused him. He may not want to be vulnerable in front of you. That may be the reason he is avoiding you and will continue to avoid you. This also means that he that he still cares for you but the love and caring has been tainted by what you have done. Sometimes love can turn to hate. These two emotions are two sides of the same coin. It is best that you continue giving him his space and not try and contact him. Maybe in the future when the time is right you may try and meet him and apologize to him for having hurt him so badly. The other way you could do it is write him a heartfelt letter and hand it over to his lawyer to give to him. That way you know your letter will reach him. However, if you do that do not plead in it that you want him to give you another chance. Just apologize to him for the horrible thing you have done to him and ask him to forgive you if he can. That is all. Warm wishes.
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Old 8th May 2017, 9:43 AM   #51
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You do sound remorseful, but I think you're just upset that you got caught and now both men have left you. You didn't stop your A on your own, you stopped only when caught. And you were sorry for what you did, again, only when caught.

You'd still be in the affair if you weren't caught. If I know that, then your husband knows that. Even if you get to talk to him, how can you expect to convince him otherwise?
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Old 8th May 2017, 10:15 AM   #52
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I don't think you're guilty and all your just afraid of the reality that you get caught and the consequences of it and that hurting yourself part proved it you afraid of going out of choice losing control over thinks afraid of society they don't treat you the same afterwards. they won't tell your still young move on and learn from your mistake if all came to know but your husband is a sensible and matured guy not exposing anything like I think he planned it taking a good amount of time he don't want you to be labeled bad or anything he still cares for you even after knowing it. you're affair partner done the deed now out of picture that's it. If you truly felt any guilt you should have stopped you affair atleast try to stop it that's not the case. So I don't see any guilt other then afraid of consequences.
BTDT2012 and Slip like this.
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Old 8th May 2017, 10:41 AM   #53
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Was this an arranged marriage?
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:05 PM   #54
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Hi Cephalopod, She mentioned in one of her posts that it was a love affair and not an arranged marriage.
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:12 PM   #55
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I second the recommendation for individual counseling. I know it's hard for you right now, probably doubly so knowing how much pain you've caused your husband. Counseling might not help the pain, but can help you develop the wall to keep this from happening with the next love of your life.

And that's really the equation isn't it? Is this worth losing the love of my life for? I guess it was this time. Hopefully not next time.
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:36 PM   #56
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I was really conflicted during my affair. Tried to break the affair. Even requested hr dept for a transfer. The only thing that I could have done is that I should have resigned. Back of my mind I had it but not sure why I didn't do it.
Also the point where I let my defences go is when he mentioned he wants to get married and that he will go for an arranged marriage. I thought I could really get back as friends since he has moved on as during our break up he didn't want me to go and had asked me to wait for him.
I was so stupid.
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:46 PM   #57
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I am trying to remember my thoughts during the affair but I can't seem to remember lot of things. Mostly about how I justified my actions.
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:51 PM   #58
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Regarding the part of hurting myself. I would like to add that being the only child I wouldn't dare. It was just a passing thought during a time when I was feeling particularly low. I had put all my hopes into the fact that my husband will definitely contact me on my b'day. But when he didn't I was crushed. Guess my heart was playing games hurting me more. I felt a deep pain. I
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:59 PM   #59
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My suggestion is that you get individual counseling for yourself. Your work is to be a better person for yourself, not in an attempt to save your marriage. Accept responsibility for your choices. Apply what you learn to your next relationship. Actions have consequences, and it appears that divorce is your consequence.
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Old 8th May 2017, 1:10 PM   #60
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hope you do try to realize the pain that your H is feeling and has been since he knew of your A.

Do you have any feeling for his pain?

How would you feel if he had an A and cheated on you with his old girlfriend?

He may have know when he asked you if something was wrong.

That is a clue that he knew something at that point in time.

Trying to see if it was him and if he could fix it. If that did not fix it, more pain and rejection. A big hit to his self esteem. the former ex must be a better lover or something, why would she reject me and treat me so cruel to have an A?

Just something to think about why he is acting this way.

he is in a ton of pain.
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