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Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 7th November 2017, 8:11 AM   #451
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One of the things my fiancee and I have noticed is the stark difference between posters who have sufferered severe consequences versus those who have not. A lot of WS, whose BS stayed and attempt to reconcile, talk about the AP and the affair. Those who wake up in the morning to a empty bed, divorce proceedings, selling the house, splitting the children and dealing with lawyers, do not greive the AP. They have no time. There is no limerance or fog. It is unlikely you will grieve someone, that has destroyed you.

It is unfortunate that some must learn lessons the hard way. The likelihood that this OP would ever cheat again, is near zero. Trying to figure out the why, may be pointless.

Tnose who are deep in the affair, fighting to get out, or dwelling on the AP during reconcilliation, should instead read and say to yourself , "There, but for the grace of God, go I"
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Old 10th November 2017, 2:43 PM   #452
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Have you not yet seen him? in those few cases you did have contact,how was that going,did he reach out ?write a very emotional letter maybe,you open up totally,but really,not to get him back but to tell what is on your heart
If he loves you maybe one day or even in a year,two he might forgive you and you can proove yourself,but now its too early.If its meant to be it will ,but you need to accept most probably this is the end.Not saying you do not regret this,you will maybe even regret till your death but some people see this as a dealbreaker...and if there is a chance its only when time heals the wounds
I have met him few times. He ghosted me after the d-day for nearly 2 months. Came around after that.

He understands logical language better than emotional language, so emotional letter won't work with him. Already did this. Not sure if he read them.

I am changing myself. I have let go alcohol (one of the reason I am in this mess). He always wanted that. He believes in making decisions right. He has made his decisions and won't sway. My head knows this, heart is just not accepting this. I feel he still loves me, he will someday forgive me and give me another chance. And I have to work to earn that forgiveness.
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Old 13th November 2017, 1:23 AM   #453
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Character

Hi Deep:

I have followed your thread for a few days and felt compelled to register today and respond with my first post. Should you read this, I hope it helps, as that's my only intention, ....... to help.

1) As you move forward with your life, eventually you will heal enough to get the urge to date again. You can't see it now, but it'll come. Many young women and men, do not fully understand or are aware of the character traits they should be looking for and cherishing in a mate. Simple immaturity in many cases causes young people (and older unfortunately) to kind of overlook people with outstanding character, or take them for granted. Humility, Contentment, Dependability, Grit, Determination and Diligence, Patience, Honesty, Courage, Compassion, Self-Discipline and Impulse Control, Gratitude and Respect are just a few. These are common words, but are not commonly held in people. I can't state it factually, but your comments and peripheral actions and discussion surrounding your ex lead me to believe he valued and carried quite a few of these traits. People who practice and seek to live a high character life are exceptional regardless of how much they make or how successful. Should you place great value on character, the possibility of infidelity is greatly decreased or made nearly impossible in some cases.

Despite his pain, your ex revealed humility, grit, determination and diligence, patience, courage, compassion, self-discipline, impulse-control and respect. Seek to find a man like this again, but give it the importance it deserves. By the way,high character supersedes physical appearance, so that tall Russian you saw in the picture ......... can be swatted away like a fly by a high-character woman. High character can make an ordinary woman look beautiful and an ordinary man look like a king. Once you have someone like this, your recognition of how special they are can help cancel harmful actions detrimental to the relationship. Furthermore, if or when you seek and greatly value living a high-character life, the strongest of bonds will have been made. I know this seems really trite, elementary and boring and I know I sound like a parent but it's the foundation of admiring, respecting and loving another. Seek this in others and become what you seek.

2) To the best of your ability, imagine your husband having a long term affair with your girlfriend (the one you think is pursuing your ex). Because you haven't experienced it for real, but are just imagining it, you'll far significantly short from feeling your ex's pain. Your stomach may have gotten queasy on two occasions, once when you first noticed your friend reaching out to your ex on FB and the second when you saw him in a pic with the tall, beautiful Russian. You've stated many times, your fear of seeing him with someone else. If you feel this way from only SEEING him with someone, imagine how he feels knowing someone someone repeatedly fxxxed his wife. That hurt me just typing this. The emotional pain gap between you seeing someone with him and him knowing someone sexxed you (his wife) for years cant even be comprehended .......... As painful as that is, until you feel it, you won't come close to coming within any measurable distance to where his emotional state was, is and may continue to be some time. It's a hurt that may exceed yours by a long distance. That may help put some things in perspective.

I hope this helps you, as intended. May peace be with you.
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Old 13th November 2017, 2:27 AM   #454
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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I have met him few times. He ghosted me after the d-day for nearly 2 months. Came around after that.

He understands logical language better than emotional language, so emotional letter won't work with him. Already did this. Not sure if he read them.

I am changing myself. I have let go alcohol (one of the reason I am in this mess). He always wanted that. He believes in making decisions right. He has made his decisions and won't sway. My head knows this, heart is just not accepting this. I feel he still loves me, he will someday forgive me and give me another chance. And I have to work to earn that forgiveness.
Then work on changing,he is intelligent so you can not get him by these kind of actions.You can get him only if he sees you are changed not for him but for yourself not him

Last edited by adna89; 13th November 2017 at 2:35 AM..
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Old 14th December 2017, 1:29 PM   #455
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You know what they say about INTJs.... you start the game, they finish it and you are not going to like how they end it.

Reading through your thread I got a feeling that you still have no idea how he got back at you and no idea about what he will do next. Your love might be sincere but it lacked the depth to hold it forever. If I go by the trends, you are most likely very pretty as most handsome guys have their pick in terms of physical appearance. If my assumption is right then you will always have options. It's been more than a month since you last posted, I sincerely hope things have moved in right direction for you.

Wish u luck.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 10:35 AM   #456
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You know what they say about INTJs.... you start the game, they finish it and you are not going to like how they end it.

Reading through your thread I got a feeling that you still have no idea how he got back at you and no idea about what he will do next. Your love might be sincere but it lacked the depth to hold it forever. If I go by the trends, you are most likely very pretty as most handsome guys have their pick in terms of physical appearance. If my assumption is right then you will always have options. It's been more than a month since you last posted, I sincerely hope things have moved in right direction for you.

Wish u luck.
What I did was definitely not pretty.

You are right, I have no idea what he wants or will do. I have always followed his lead and still doing the same. Whatever he will say/do, I will agree. The only consolation for me is that I know he still has my best interests in his mind (hopefully in his heart) while making decisions under current circumstances. I couldn't see the big picture initially but now I see that.

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Originally Posted by adna89 View Post
Then work on changing,he is intelligent so you can not get him by these kind of actions.You can get him only if he sees you are changed not for him but for yourself not him
Since the last time I posted here, he has not contacted me. I tried reaching out once when he came for a weekend visit to meet his family but he too busy. Our 6 months reconciliation period is already over and I am waiting to hear from him or his lawyer. The realization of the fact that we might get divorced any time now scares me a lot. Not sure why but I have this feeling that the day we would get divorced will be last time I will ever speak with him or see him. I wish I had more time before we are officially divorced.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Colin Grant View Post
Hi Deep:

I have followed your thread for a few days and felt compelled to register today and respond with my first post. Should you read this, I hope it helps, as that's my only intention, ....... to help.

1) As you move forward with your life, eventually you will heal enough to get the urge to date again. You can't see it now, but it'll come. Many young women and men, do not fully understand or are aware of the character traits they should be looking for and cherishing in a mate. Simple immaturity in many cases causes young people (and older unfortunately) to kind of overlook people with outstanding character, or take them for granted. Humility, Contentment, Dependability, Grit, Determination and Diligence, Patience, Honesty, Courage, Compassion, Self-Discipline and Impulse Control, Gratitude and Respect are just a few. These are common words, but are not commonly held in people. I can't state it factually, but your comments and peripheral actions and discussion surrounding your ex lead me to believe he valued and carried quite a few of these traits. People who practice and seek to live a high character life are exceptional regardless of how much they make or how successful. Should you place great value on character, the possibility of infidelity is greatly decreased or made nearly impossible in some cases.

Despite his pain, your ex revealed humility, grit, determination and diligence, patience, courage, compassion, self-discipline, impulse-control and respect. Seek to find a man like this again, but give it the importance it deserves. By the way,high character supersedes physical appearance, so that tall Russian you saw in the picture ......... can be swatted away like a fly by a high-character woman. High character can make an ordinary woman look beautiful and an ordinary man look like a king. Once you have someone like this, your recognition of how special they are can help cancel harmful actions detrimental to the relationship. Furthermore, if or when you seek and greatly value living a high-character life, the strongest of bonds will have been made. I know this seems really trite, elementary and boring and I know I sound like a parent but it's the foundation of admiring, respecting and loving another. Seek this in others and become what you seek.

2) To the best of your ability, imagine your husband having a long term affair with your girlfriend (the one you think is pursuing your ex). Because you haven't experienced it for real, but are just imagining it, you'll far significantly short from feeling your ex's pain. Your stomach may have gotten queasy on two occasions, once when you first noticed your friend reaching out to your ex on FB and the second when you saw him in a pic with the tall, beautiful Russian. You've stated many times, your fear of seeing him with someone else. If you feel this way from only SEEING him with someone, imagine how he feels knowing someone someone repeatedly fxxxed his wife. That hurt me just typing this. The emotional pain gap between you seeing someone with him and him knowing someone sexxed you (his wife) for years cant even be comprehended .......... As painful as that is, until you feel it, you won't come close to coming within any measurable distance to where his emotional state was, is and may continue to be some time. It's a hurt that may exceed yours by a long distance. That may help put some things in perspective.

I hope this helps you, as intended. May peace be with you.
I will keep that in mind.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Merry Christmas to all. Hope you will have a good time with your near and dear ones.
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Old 24th December 2017, 1:53 PM   #457
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Hi Deepremorse, seems like you are in a better place, emotionally than before. That is good and you should keep working on it. I think time is a great healer and so as time passes so will your pain subside and you will come to accept whatever life has in store for you. Painful as this experience has been it is of great value to you as it has opened your eyes to the flaws within you of which you were unaware before. It is only when brutal reality hits us in the face that we realize what our real strengths and weaknesses are and how we hold up under pressure.

In any case as you wish others on this forum a Merry Christmas I would think the rest of us would wish you too the very best in this season of joy and love. So cheer up and keep up your good work. Warm wishes.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:52 AM   #458
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Hi Deepremorse, seems like you are in a better place, emotionally than before. That is good and you should keep working on it. I think time is a great healer and so as time passes so will your pain subside and you will come to accept whatever life has in store for you. Painful as this experience has been it is of great value to you as it has opened your eyes to the flaws within you of which you were unaware before. It is only when brutal reality hits us in the face that we realize what our real strengths and weaknesses are and how we hold up under pressure.

In any case as you wish others on this forum a Merry Christmas I would think the rest of us would wish you too the very best in this season of joy and love. So cheer up and keep up your good work. Warm wishes.
Thanks. Wish you all a happy and prosperous 2018.

I texted my husband on 1st Jan wishing him the best. To my surprise, he replied back and wished me the same. But still no word on divorce proceedings. It's making me anxious. Could there be any reason for why he is delaying it when he himself wanted it??
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Old 3rd January 2018, 11:45 AM   #459
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Hey DR5, Only your husband can answer this question. Just keep working on yourself like you have been and wait to see what he does. You can drive yourself crazy if you keep going in circles with it.

Happy New Year.
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Old 8th January 2018, 3:27 AM   #460
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Hey DR5, Only your husband can answer this question. Just keep working on yourself like you have been and wait to see what he does. You can drive yourself crazy if you keep going in circles with it.

Happy New Year.
Our marriage anniversary is approaching. That's why I am nervous about it. I know it doesn't hold much significance now but we are still married and I want to show that this marriage still means a lot to me.
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:03 AM   #461
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Deepremorse5,

IF you really love him, you will let it go and let him go. You are too wrapped up in how this effects you. It is him you hurt, until you realize this, you have no chance. Let him go. File yourself, end it. This is the only loving thing you can do for him, and demonstrate that you "get" it. DO something for him, give him the gift of freedom from you.

I wish you luck......
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:10 AM   #462
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Deepremorse5,

IF you really love him, you will let it go and let him go. You are too wrapped up in how this effects you. It is him you hurt, until you realize this, you have no chance. Let him go. File yourself, end it. This is the only loving thing you can do for him, and demonstrate that you "get" it. DO something for him, give him the gift of freedom from you.

I wish you luck......
I second this.

Deep, my wife and I were in this position. After a while she completely backed off. Every few months she would, in a small way let me know she still wanted us. But for the most part she left me alone, and we had two kids.

In time my stance softened and I started slowly letting her back in.

Just back off, it he has a change of heart, he will let you know.
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Old 8th January 2018, 12:17 PM   #463
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Deepremorse5,

IF you really love him, you will let it go and let him go. You are too wrapped up in how this effects you. It is him you hurt, until you realize this, you have no chance. Let him go. File yourself, end it. This is the only loving thing you can do for him, and demonstrate that you "get" it. DO something for him, give him the gift of freedom from you.

I wish you luck......
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I second this.

Deep, my wife and I were in this position. After a while she completely backed off. Every few months she would, in a small way let me know she still wanted us. But for the most part she left me alone, and we had two kids.

In time my stance softened and I started slowly letting her back in.

Just back off, it he has a change of heart, he will let you know.
I have let him go. Didn't bother him at all for months. The new year wish was the only communication in last 3 months.

If I will file, he will take it as I am not interested at all and disappear permanently. He is different. Underlying emotions to any action is completely useless to him. He will see it logically as in she filed, so she is not interested. Let me close this chapter and move to next. He does it really fast.

I might be wrong in the way I am thinking right now. But these are the only few opportunities that I have right now with me to show that I am still willing to do whatever he wants before he permanently puts an end. If he says to stay away forever, I am willing to do it. But he has to convey the same.
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Old 8th January 2018, 8:17 PM   #464
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I second this.

Deep, my wife and I were in this position. After a while she completely backed off. Every few months she would, in a small way let me know she still wanted us. But for the most part she left me alone, and we had two kids.

In time my stance softened and I started slowly letting her back in.

Just back off, it he has a change of heart, he will let you know.
How long before you started dating your WW again?

Did she date during this time she was waiting for you?
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Old 8th January 2018, 8:55 PM   #465
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I have let him go. Didn't bother him at all for months. The new year wish was the only communication in last 3 months.

If I will file, he will take it as I am not interested at all and disappear permanently. He is different. Underlying emotions to any action is completely useless to him. He will see it logically as in she filed, so she is not interested. Let me close this chapter and move to next. He does it really fast.

I might be wrong in the way I am thinking right now. But these are the only few opportunities that I have right now with me to show that I am still willing to do whatever he wants before he permanently puts an end. If he says to stay away forever, I am willing to do it. But he has to convey the same.
I believe it is a show of respect for him to leave the choice up to him whether and when to divorce or not.
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