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Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 7th May 2017, 12:53 PM   #31
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Dont think bad about me but where was your Affair partner when you went to Hospital ???

All your friends and Family was there,suporting you,taking care of you.

Your Affair Partner wanted only ONE thing and that is ... well you know what.

I wish your Husband find the strenght and move one. He deserves better.
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Old 7th May 2017, 1:14 PM   #32
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You have already hurt your husband much by having an affair. Please don't hurt him (and others) more by harming yourself. Take responsibility of your own actions and face the consequences in a mature manner.

Last edited by JuneL; 7th May 2017 at 1:16 PM..
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Old 7th May 2017, 2:23 PM   #33
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Hi Deepremorse, I guess we are all sorry to see you here. Sadly, this forum is biased in favour of the Western model of marital relationships and since you are from India only a few of the folks on here will be able to identify culturally, with your predicament. That is not to say that the fundamentals of infidelity do not remain the same, they do but the way they are handled and the way people react are certainly different. In the west, overall people are more liberal minded and possibly tolerant and forgiving, if there are extenuating circumstances. In India which is much more conservative, this can be difficult.

If I may ask, could you tell me whether you are a Hindu or from another religion? Are you and your husband from the same religion or was it an inter faith marriage? Was your marriage the result of a love affair or was it an arranged marriage? Was your affair partner also a married man or was he a bachelor? Was he a colleague of yours in the same office or was he an outsider? You said that he was an ex boyfriend. If that was so why did you not marry him if you truly loved him? I am assuming that you still had strong feelings for himwhich led to the affair. Answers to some of these questions would help the good folk on here to better address your dilemma and give you advice which can help you address your problems better.

From what you have written it seems to me that your husband held fidelity as something sacred and by your having desecrated that belief, he probably finds it impossible to forgive you or take you back. Also, he probably thinks that he is attractive to any number of girls, anyone of which would be true to him so why should he have to take you back knowing that you cheated on him? There is a saying in English which states" You have to lie on the bed that you made for yourself". I guess that the sooner you realize and accept that your husband is lost to you forever, the sooner you will start recovering from this awful situation that you have brought upon your self. As Mrs. John Adams said cheating is a choice and not a mistake. Choices have consequences and what you are facing right now are the consequences of your bad choices. If you are a spiritual person, pray to the Almighty to forgive you and to help you pass through this bleak period in your life with dignity and grace. There is a psalm in the Bible which, if you are familiar with that Holy Book states in one of it's verses" Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for thy rod and thy staff will comfort me". It is the 23rd psalm in the Book of Psalms and is an inspiration for any one facing life and death situations. Try and read it. Wish you all the very best and a wholesome solution to your dilemma. Warm wishes.
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Old 7th May 2017, 4:05 PM   #34
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If it's only guilt, well, there's no problem. You took the wrong path, and you got your punishment - Divorce. It should take away most of the guilt. But I suspect that the guilt takes only a minor part in your misery.

If it was guilt you wouldn't want to contact him, because the "no contact" situation helps him to heal from his pain. When you try to contact him, you show that you don't care much about his pain. I suspect that you mostly feel sorry for what you lost.

You approve this by honestly admitting that the affair would have been still going on, if he didn't catch you. So actually you have gambled and lost. You now feel the sense of failure. Not guilt. Again... If it's guilt, don't worry, problem is already solved.
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Old 7th May 2017, 6:31 PM   #35
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I think you agree to what he wants and make this as easy as you can for him.
As far as you two getting back together, no one knows that answer right now.
If I were you I would do everything in my power to help him, if this is the way he wants it that is what you do for him.
He said he would talk after the divorce is final, in the meantime you make yourself the best you you can be and maybe he will see or hear about the changes in you for the better.......
He needs time, when someone you love betrays you like this it's all you can do to hold on .......he needs the time he is asking for.......
Remember this, this man loved you, and he still does......if you can show him the woman that knows her choices did this and that you have changed he may reconsider but maybe he is done......
All you can do is give him what he wants right now and see what happens when the time has passed.......
I really hope he can see the woman he thinks he married again at some point.
Call his lawyer and accept the offer and tell the lawyer your grateful and your very sorry for what you did, but you love him enough to end the marriage.
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Old 7th May 2017, 7:54 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I have been thinking about what I did. How can I do such a thing. My husband gets lot of female attention. He carries that quiet mysterious vibe that draws in women. Even my friends had crush on him before we got together. So I was always jealous.
This worries me. I can never see him with other girl. If he moves on while I am still madly in love with him, I am not sure what will happen to me.
Deepremorse5,

I always start by writing to a "new" Wayward Spouse", that they are not in control, it is up to the betrayed spouse on what will happen going forward. In this case your soon to EX husband, has decided not to give you a 2nd chance. That is his decision to make, and you must accept it. I understand you are hurting, and wish you could just wake up with this all undone, but this is not the case. It is real, and the best thing you can do is to accept responsibility for your actions. They are your actions, for you decided to cheat.

Another thought, that may give you some comfort, is as you still love your husband, you will accept his decision. It is the last loving thing you can do for him. Show him what he means to you, by letting him go. You have forfeited your honor, and must regain it. You can, by now acting honorably with the divorce. Muster your courage, and self respect. Act, like a loving spouse once again.

I would not offer any hope, but if there is any slim chance of him reconciling with you, it will be by you showing that you can be an adult, that you know what true remorse is. At its core, remorse means you place the needs of your injured husband above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. He needs this, to show remorse, you must let him have this. You may not have a marriage left, but you can have a chance to say you are sorry.


There are links on Loveshack, that may help if you are interested, let me know and I will post them.

I wish you luck, and hope you begin to heal soon.
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Old 7th May 2017, 9:22 PM   #37
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You admit you would likely have continued cheating. This is proof positive that you don't know what the word remorse means. What you are feeling is regret. You regret you got caught. You regret hurting your husband. You regret that you underestimated the severity of his response. And you regret how much shame the discovery has caused you.

Remorse requires an understanding of the pain you have caused your husband and that takes time, education, and experience. Maybe someday the fear and regret you feel right now will give way remorse.
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Old 7th May 2017, 9:53 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by drifter777 View Post
You admit you would likely have continued cheating. This is proof positive that you don't know what the word remorse means. What you are feeling is regret. You regret you got caught. You regret hurting your husband. You regret that you underestimated the severity of his response. And you regret how much shame the discovery has caused you.

Remorse requires an understanding of the pain you have caused your husband and that takes time, education, and experience. Maybe someday the fear and regret you feel right now will give way remorse.
she has no clue..

what she is feeling is guilt

remorse will never come for this one...ever

She feels sorry for herself and the loss she suffers.

It is all about her loss...not his


i understand that her religion...her culture has a lot to do with her predicurement....

her husband is finished. She has shamed him...there will be no forgiveness...no reconciliation.

She needs to learn WHY she allowed herself to cheat...and become a better woman before her next marriage.

She can heal...she can improve...but this marriage is over
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Old 8th May 2017, 1:36 AM   #39
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Hope there are no kids...
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Old 8th May 2017, 5:30 AM   #40
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Thanks everyone for the comments. Regarding divorce, I am not going to drag him by fighting. I just want to meet him to apologise for all the pain I have caused. I know that it's not enough. But I just want to ask him for a opportunity for me to work from ground after divorce.

I was with my ex bf/ affair partner for 4 years age 21 - 25. I wanted to get married in a year or two but he was not mentally prepared for same. So we broke up. I transferred to another city and met my husband there. We dated for 2 years before getting married. Now I am 29. When I moved after the break up, I left my friends and family behind. After marriage my husband suggested to move back as my social circle was limited. When I transferred back, I again came in contact with my ex again but I had put boundries. But gradually things moved in different direction.

Any day my husband is far more better than my ex. Though counselling in not that common. But I have visited two. The thing is he has always put my needs in every aspect ahead of his yet I returned the favour with grand betrayal. Not sure if I can live with so much guilt. My judgement is too clouded at the moment to say anything.

We don't have kids.
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Old 8th May 2017, 5:39 AM   #41
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Now I look back, during the affair I was mad at my husband for petty things. I guess it was a weird way for my stupid self to justify my actions. One day husband sat me down and asked if he doing anything wrong or that I want something more. I guess I was just a opportunist that time to blame him for the situation.

Deep down I always knew that I will get caught. My husband is way too intelligent to be kept in dark. Now that I look back I can't remember what I was thinking that time.
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Old 8th May 2017, 5:46 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams View Post
We seldom talk about the "feelings" the wayward goes through after an affair around here. We tend to concentrate on the Betrayed spouses and rightfully so. One thing I want to point out that i have seen posted here in this thread several times...and it is incorrect.

Infidelity is not a mistake. It is a choice....you chose to have sex with another man....regardless of the possiblities of consequences. You were willing to take the risks....willing to feel the guilt...and willing to suffer the loss.

The five stages of grief are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.

Each person processes these stages differently and in their own time. But Waywards certainly go through these same processes.

Just as a betrayed has to go through the stages of grief infidelity causes..Waywards also experince sorrow or grief for the things we have lost. Innocence...self respect and sometimes even a marriage...and no matter what we do we can never recapture the loss. Even in death...we do not "get over" the loss of someone....we learn to live with it. You get over a cold...you dont get over the loss of a marriage.

Get yourself into therapy to help you process all the things you are going through emotionally...and do your best to think about the pain you have caused others...instead of concentrating on your own pain...right now you are feeling sorry for yourself.
I am willing to take the entire burden of my mess if he gives me the opportunity. But under current circumstances I have with me only the old me that way too messed up.
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Old 8th May 2017, 6:02 AM   #43
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Hi Deepremorse, I guess we are all sorry to see you here. Sadly, this forum is biased in favour of the Western model of marital relationships and since you are from India only a few of the folks on here will be able to identify culturally, with your predicament. That is not to say that the fundamentals of infidelity do not remain the same, they do but the way they are handled and the way people react are certainly different. In the west, overall people are more liberal minded and possibly tolerant and forgiving, if there are extenuating circumstances. In India which is much more conservative, this can be difficult.

If I may ask, could you tell me whether you are a Hindu or from another religion? Are you and your husband from the same religion or was it an inter faith marriage? Was your marriage the result of a love affair or was it an arranged marriage? Was your affair partner also a married man or was he a bachelor? Was he a colleague of yours in the same office or was he an outsider? You said that he was an ex boyfriend. If that was so why did you not marry him if you truly loved him? I am assuming that you still had strong feelings for himwhich led to the affair. Answers to some of these questions would help the good folk on here to better address your dilemma and give you advice which can help you address your problems better.

From what you have written it seems to me that your husband held fidelity as something sacred and by your having desecrated that belief, he probably finds it impossible to forgive you or take you back. Also, he probably thinks that he is attractive to any number of girls, anyone of which would be true to him so why should he have to take you back knowing that you cheated on him? There is a saying in English which states" You have to lie on the bed that you made for yourself". I guess that the sooner you realize and accept that your husband is lost to you forever, the sooner you will start recovering from this awful situation that you have brought upon your self. As Mrs. John Adams said cheating is a choice and not a mistake. Choices have consequences and what you are facing right now are the consequences of your bad choices. If you are a spiritual person, pray to the Almighty to forgive you and to help you pass through this bleak period in your life with dignity and grace. There is a psalm in the Bible which, if you are familiar with that Holy Book states in one of it's verses" Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for thy rod and thy staff will comfort me". It is the 23rd psalm in the Book of Psalms and is an inspiration for any one facing life and death situations. Try and read it. Wish you all the very best and a wholesome solution to your dilemma. Warm wishes.
We are both Hindu. Ours was love marriage.
I am worried about his well being. He has left his job. His close friends are not aware of divorce. He has asked his family not to interfere. I want him to talk with someone to find support. Only his best friend knows about the situation but he has not spoken to him in last 2 weeks. Now he is living in a different city for sure . Only his lawyer knows which city he is in. Came to hospital with in hours of knowing I was hospitalised. Refused to talk about anything but my health during his stay at hospital.
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Old 8th May 2017, 6:29 AM   #44
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Originally Posted by Trtroles View Post
Dont think bad about me but where was your Affair partner when you went to Hospital ???

All your friends and Family was there,suporting you,taking care of you.

Your Affair Partner wanted only ONE thing and that is ... well you know what.

I wish your Husband find the strenght and move one. He deserves better.
I wish I can say that you are wrong. Even though I always resisted the physical aspect he forced me and my defences got bulldozed. Not sure what happened to him, but my bff mentioned that he left job the very next day and moved out of this city.

Last edited by Deepremorse5; 8th May 2017 at 6:32 AM..
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Old 8th May 2017, 7:01 AM   #45
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Hi Deepremorse, with what you have revealed further in your posts, I can only say that you have worked yourself into a corner from which it is going to be very difficult for you to move out. I cannot imagine how, at your age and with the expected maturity levels that you should have had, you did what you have done. From what you have written your husband seems fabulous and not like most Indian Hindu husbands. Most men in your husband's place would expect their wives to be subservient to them even in this day and age. Your husband seems to have been a very enlightened man putting your needs and concerns ahead of his own. I just cannot begin to understand how you could convince yourself to cheat on a person like this. I wonder if you are an only child of your parents and have been spoiled silly?

Having said this I have also to say that both of you seem to be from a new generation of Indians who are Westernized and have a modern and liberated view of relationships and things in general. I presume you have a job or, at least, are qualified to work in the corporate world. That being so all I can say is that you now pick yourself up and get some counselling from a psychologist who specializes in personality problems and faulty traits which can lead to such catastrophic relational disasters. If you live in one of the metros I am sure you will find such people if you google them. Marriage counselling may seem a lost cause now that your husband has initiated divorce proceedings but it may still help you individually to realize where you messed up and how to avoid such pitfalls in the future. Luckily for you, divorce is not such a bad word in India these days and hopefully, you will be able to find someone else who will give you a chance at marital happiness. Have you cut off your relationship with your affair partner and if not, why not? Did you tell him that your marriage has floundered because of the affair that you two had? Had you ever told your husband about this ex BF of yours while you were still true to him? It seems your husband must have had his suspicions and had employed a Private Investigator to trail you and find out the gruesome details of your betrayal. That is why he had pictures which dated from a month ago at the time of your D Day. You need to find out how and why you could do this to someone who cared so much for you. My own opinion is that yours is a lost cause and the sooner you reconcile with that fact the better for you. Warm wishes.
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