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Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 17th September 2017, 7:17 PM   #391
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I started to write a Reply Post then found my other post saying exactly what I was about to say. Only this time I'll add:
We grieve loss; it's a human condition and painful. You lost something suddenly, and the fact that you weren't prepared probably threw you into shock to some extent. You had little time to anticipate his reaction before you were forced to suffer the consequences of your actions. It's harder because you have the layer of guilt added to it.

I feel compassion for anyone suffering; it's also a human condition. But I've also learned that it is not compassionate to help someone out of suffering for their own consequences - whether a child or an adult. It's a necessary part of life. You will be a better person and will create a new life that you are proud of and love. You must and that is my wish for you.

And to the point of your question about contacting your ex, you sound much better than you did a few months (weeks?) ago. You're getting better!
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Old 23rd September 2017, 4:13 AM   #392
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I started to write a Reply Post then found my other post saying exactly what I was about to say. Only this time I'll add:
We grieve loss; it's a human condition and painful. You lost something suddenly, and the fact that you weren't prepared probably threw you into shock to some extent. You had little time to anticipate his reaction before you were forced to suffer the consequences of your actions. It's harder because you have the layer of guilt added to it.

I feel compassion for anyone suffering; it's also a human condition. But I've also learned that it is not compassionate to help someone out of suffering for their own consequences - whether a child or an adult. It's a necessary part of life. You will be a better person and will create a new life that you are proud of and love. You must and that is my wish for you.

And to the point of your question about contacting your ex, you sound much better than you did a few months (weeks?) ago. You're getting better!

I am trying. Sometime I feel defeated sometime I feel positive. It's not easy. I texted a simple birthday message to him. It's been already 5 days and he hasn't replied to that. I won't deny, it hurts.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:32 AM   #393
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Thanks for keeping us updated. Glad you're hanging in there.
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Old 24th September 2017, 12:49 PM   #394
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Glad you're hanging in there.
I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.
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Old 10th October 2017, 5:58 AM   #395
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I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.

We all make mistakes... just learn from them.
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Old 10th October 2017, 6:41 AM   #396
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I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.
Yes, you will though the pain of it will lessen. That is the nature of emotional pain. That is what betrayed spouses have learned. It will help you, perhaps, to remember that it won't always be this intense, that it is necessary - and that it is bearable.
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Old 10th October 2017, 7:53 AM   #397
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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I think I have realized that others might forgive me or never forgive me. But I might never forgive myself. Regardless of what I do, there would always be a conscious awareness that I did something horrible. Always in the back of my mind, I will have that for rest of my life.
There is a time when you have to stop beating
yourself up. You need to heal as much as your BS
does.
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Old 10th October 2017, 2:39 PM   #398
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We all make mistakes... just learn from them.
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Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
Yes, you will though the pain of it will lessen. That is the nature of emotional pain. That is what betrayed spouses have learned. It will help you, perhaps, to remember that it won't always be this intense, that it is necessary - and that it is bearable.
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There is a time when you have to stop beating
yourself up. You need to heal as much as your BS
does.
I am really trying to fix whatever is wrong in me. It's a tough journey. But still I am cyber stalking my husband. Can't help it.

Got to know that one of my friends is seriously pursuing my husband. It hurts me. She knows about my feelings for him and still, she didn't care. Guess she was never a friend. She has added him on facebook.

BTW got a thank you reply from my husband after 20 days for the b'day wish I had sent.
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Old 10th October 2017, 6:41 PM   #399
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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I am really trying to fix whatever is wrong in me. It's a tough journey. But still I am cyber stalking my husband. Can't help it.

Got to know that one of my friends is seriously pursuing my husband. It hurts me. She knows about my feelings for him and still, she didn't care. Guess she was never a friend. She has added him on facebook.

BTW got a thank you reply from my husband after 20 days for the b'day wish I had sent.
May I ask why does it matter at this point? You threw him away for some cheap thrills(what does that say about you?), you keep coming up with excuses for not going to see him and now your pissed at a former friend who thinks more of him then she does of you. She knows and values a good thing when she sees it and she's doing something about it. If only you put as much effort on things that are constructive in your life instead of things that destroy your life your life would be so much happier. Work on yourself, he deserves to be happy, you don't know what happiness looks like yet. I hope you find out soon. This is my observation and I have intentionally stayed off your blog because stating the obvious isn't always helpful but I just had to speak my mind in hopes of getting through to you.
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Old 11th October 2017, 2:20 PM   #400
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May I ask why does it matter at this point? You threw him away for some cheap thrills(what does that say about you?), you keep coming up with excuses for not going to see him and now your pissed at a former friend who thinks more of him then she does of you. She knows and values a good thing when she sees it and she's doing something about it. If only you put as much effort on things that are constructive in your life instead of things that destroy your life your life would be so much happier. Work on yourself, he deserves to be happy, you don't know what happiness looks like yet. I hope you find out soon. This is my observation and I have intentionally stayed off your blog because stating the obvious isn't always helpful but I just had to speak my mind in hopes of getting through to you.
I understand what you had mentioned before regarding having a way into his thinking style. But I feel if I go there after just a passing invitation (i felt it that way), he would think I am imposing on him to take me back.

I consider her a good friend. I know I had friends in my circle who would be very happy to take a shot at him but not her. I kind of trusted her.
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Old 11th October 2017, 9:34 PM   #401
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I understand what you had mentioned before regarding having a way into his thinking style. But I feel if I go there after just a passing invitation (i felt it that way), he would think I am imposing on him to take me back.

I consider her a good friend. I know I had friends in my circle who would be very happy to take a shot at him but not her. I kind of trusted her.
So... You are saying... She is cheating on you? You feel a little bit hurt and betrayed over this? At this point?
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Old 12th October 2017, 3:57 AM   #402
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Hi Deepremorse, I have been avoiding posting on your thread for some time and actually I was happy that it had gone quiet for a while because I was under the impression that you were really working on yourself and trying to put the memories of your ex husband and your short lived marriage in a watertight box in your mind, not to be opened again because it would be like opening a Pandora's box. That would have meant that you were letting go and moving on with your life. I had suggested exactly that as it is the only way that you are going to be able to overcome the trauma and tragedy of your broken marriage. However, for some reason you are not willing to overcome your self destructive desire to let go of your husband and the memories of your marriage. If that be the case then all I can say is that you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartbreak.

You have to accept the fact that your ex husband is now a free man and he is likely to to find himself a new partner in the future. If it is any consolation to you I can say that having had a glimmer of his personality from what you have written about him in the past, he will not entertain your friend even though she may want to ensnare him. He will likely find himself a partner as far removed from you and your friends as possible as he would not like to be reminded of you in any way. This is because he has also been hurt deeply although he has presented a strong exterior. I am assuming he was well acquainted with this friend of yours while still married to you as you two would have interacted with each others friends on a social basis. If that be the case he would know that you two were close to each other and whatever else your ex husband may do I get the feeling that he would not go out of his way to hurt you by doing something like this.

As far as your ex husband and your marriage are concerned, you should treat it in the same way you would as if he had been killed in an accident and you were widowed. You would have undergone a grieving period and then you would have gradually let go of memories or, better still, locked them away in an attic in your brain marked "Personal and Confidential: Not to be opened under any circumstances except by me" or some such wording. That way you would have dealt with the pain and sorrow and then you would have moved on. Your ex husband has proven that he has the emotional strength to have done just that. Now you need to do the same. I wish you the very best going forward but please do stop hurting yourself unnecessarily.
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Old 13th October 2017, 12:05 PM   #403
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So... You are saying... She is cheating on you? You feel a little bit hurt and betrayed over this? At this point?
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Hi Deepremorse, I have been avoiding posting on your thread for some time and actually I was happy that it had gone quiet for a while because I was under the impression that you were really working on yourself and trying to put the memories of your ex husband and your short lived marriage in a watertight box in your mind, not to be opened again because it would be like opening a Pandora's box. That would have meant that you were letting go and moving on with your life. I had suggested exactly that as it is the only way that you are going to be able to overcome the trauma and tragedy of your broken marriage. However, for some reason you are not willing to overcome your self destructive desire to let go of your husband and the memories of your marriage. If that be the case then all I can say is that you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartbreak.

You have to accept the fact that your ex husband is now a free man and he is likely to to find himself a new partner in the future. If it is any consolation to you I can say that having had a glimmer of his personality from what you have written about him in the past, he will not entertain your friend even though she may want to ensnare him. He will likely find himself a partner as far removed from you and your friends as possible as he would not like to be reminded of you in any way. This is because he has also been hurt deeply although he has presented a strong exterior. I am assuming he was well acquainted with this friend of yours while still married to you as you two would have interacted with each others friends on a social basis. If that be the case he would know that you two were close to each other and whatever else your ex husband may do I get the feeling that he would not go out of his way to hurt you by doing something like this.

As far as your ex husband and your marriage are concerned, you should treat it in the same way you would as if he had been killed in an accident and you were widowed. You would have undergone a grieving period and then you would have gradually let go of memories or, better still, locked them away in an attic in your brain marked "Personal and Confidential: Not to be opened under any circumstances except by me" or some such wording. That way you would have dealt with the pain and sorrow and then you would have moved on. Your ex husband has proven that he has the emotional strength to have done just that. Now you need to do the same. I wish you the very best going forward but please do stop hurting yourself unnecessarily.
Even though it's painful but I have accepted the fact that he will find another girl. The concerned friend is one of them with whom I have confided about my indiscretion. It's not easy to speak about your bad life choices but I did it anyway as I trusted them and I felt I could use some support. So it hurts that she did this.
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Old 13th October 2017, 12:21 PM   #404
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What do you describe as 'seriously pursuing'?
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Old 14th October 2017, 2:56 AM   #405
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Hi Deepremorse, I think you are missing the wood for the trees. Look at your reality the way it exists today. You are divorced and your ex husband has distanced himself physically from you. You are hanging on to some tattered hope that he will somehow magically forgive you and take you back. Well miracles do happen so I wont write that off but the chances are dim and in the meantime you have a life to live. Work on yourself to rid yourself of your flaws, become an improved version of yourself, get rid of all this baggage that is weighing you down and become a desirable woman once more. Look at it this way. You were like an ugly, greedy caterpillar eating your way to your own selfish happiness and then you spun yourself a cocoon(affair) and finally after a period of time you have emerged a beautiful butterfly, radiant and carefree to be appreciated by one and all. Try and be that butterfly. Warm wishes.
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