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Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 7th May 2017, 5:58 AM   #16
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I'm sorry that you find yourself here, DR.

Unfortunately, for some ppl, especially men, infidelity is 100% a deal-breaker. I've been cheated on more times than anyone I know. In most of those instances, I ghosted my partner, just as yours is doing. I knew I no longer wanted this toxic person that I was 100% committed to, who obviously was 0% committed to me, in my life anymore. It was easier to just disappear from their lives, knowing I'd never give them a chance anyway.

Your H sounds like he's thinking the same way I did. And there's not much you can do about it. Especially if you have no idea where he is.

Work on yourself right now. Eat right, work out, dive into some hobbies and surround yourself with non-toxic friends. Take care of yourself.
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Old 7th May 2017, 6:21 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I cheated on my husband of 2 years. We were together for 4 years. He has initiated the divorce proceedings. But I am having a hard time forgiving myself. Not sure if I would ever get out of this mess. I never got to speak with him after d day. I just once want the opportunity to speak with him. I have been waiting for him to just say something since d day happened 2 months back. I have this unimaginable pain inside me that is pulling me down. The guilt is too heavy for me to carry. Not sure what I am going to do next. Need some help from this community to help me cope with the situation.
Seems to me whilst many women will put their husband's affair behind them and carry on for the sake of kids, for financial security, for love, etc.
I think for many men the marriage is about sexual fidelity on the part of the woman and once that is lost, all "love" disappears and some men may even go as far as deny the children of a cheating wife...

I think your husband suspected cheating, got his evidence and filed for divorce and now you are essentially dead to him.

I think you have to be somewhat realistic here.
Discussing this with him is not going to make you feel any better.
He is not going to say "My beautiful wife, I love you so much, I miss you, I forgive you." is he?

You are going to have to forgive yourself and move on having learned a lesson.
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Old 7th May 2017, 6:32 AM   #18
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I have a question

How long would it have carried on for if your husband had never found out???.

Would it have still been carrying on???.
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Old 7th May 2017, 6:54 AM   #19
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Therapy. That's the only way to sort out your feelings.He seems determined to divorce. It could be his deal breaker.

The issue is , he found out. You didn't come out clean yourself. That makes it worse.

Divorce him without causing him trouble. He will be thankful.
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Old 7th May 2017, 7:01 AM   #20
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I have a question

How long would it have carried on for if your husband had never found out???.

Would it have still been carrying on???.
Truth is I have no reply for your question. Most likely I would have continued.
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Old 7th May 2017, 7:07 AM   #21
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If there's any hope of saving the marriage, you need to absolutely BEG and APOLOGIZE to him in whatever way you have of contacting him. Email, post, waiting outside his house, etc.

Whatever you do, do NOT launch into a litany of justifications or reasons for your cheating. He needs to hear that it was entirely your fault and that you'd do ANYTHING to get him back. No one but him knows if that would be enough.

Honestly, if your husband wasn't man enough for you (which is how he feels right now), why do you want him back? Whatever the outcome, you need to examine the reasons why you cheated. Unless your personality has substantially changed in the recent past, you'd cheat again.
Affair was mostly emotional with very few instances of physical interaction. I
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Old 7th May 2017, 7:31 AM   #22
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I have been thinking about what I did. How can I do such a thing. My husband gets lot of female attention. He carries that quiet mysterious vibe that draws in women. Even my friends had crush on him before we got together. So I was always jealous.
This worries me. I can never see him with other girl. If he moves on while I am still madly in love with him, I am not sure what will happen to me.
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Old 7th May 2017, 8:34 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
Truth is I have no reply for your question. Most likely I would have continued[/B].
^^^ This is IT.

Your husband knows this and it explains his reaction.

Get into therapy asap. And move on.
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Old 7th May 2017, 9:08 AM   #24
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Therapy. That's the only way to sort out your feelings.He seems determined to divorce. It could be his deal breaker.

The issue is , he found out. You didn't come out clean yourself. That makes it worse.

Divorce him without causing him trouble. He will be thankful.
Under verbal agreement with his lawyer, divorce will be under his terms. I have to cooperate with them for which he will file under mutual consent. Here in India, if filed under adultery with evidence, divorce will be settled within a day. But under mutual consent there will be a 6 month reconciliation period before final divorce is approved. He made a generous offer as settlement which I have rejected. I don't want to take his hard earned money. Few things that I have not returned as requested in the settlement offer are those with whom I have strong emotional connection. I have asked for few more days for that.
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Old 7th May 2017, 9:31 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I have been thinking about what I did. How can I do such a thing. My husband gets lot of female attention. He carries that quiet mysterious vibe that draws in women. Even my friends had crush on him before we got together. So I was always jealous.
This worries me. I can never see him with other girl. If he moves on while I am still madly in love with him, I am not sure what will happen to me.
He didn't cheat, you did, you need professional help to find out why. Why wasn't he enough for you, why did you need validation from other men? You were hardly over the honeymoon period and you started an affair. Statistics show that marriages with infidelity early on rarely survive. Men want to know that the paternity of their children is guaranteed, fidelity does that. Most men view sexual infidelity a deal breaker. Best thing I can recommend to you is to get yourself into independent counselling and find out what is broken in you so you can be a safe partner. When you choose the behaviour you also choose the consequences that go with them, you just didn't expect to get caught. Fix yourself, make yourself safe. I want to give you more hope but I don't think there is anything I can say other then to work on yourself.

Last edited by aliveagain; 7th May 2017 at 9:34 AM..
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Old 7th May 2017, 9:50 AM   #26
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We seldom talk about the "feelings" the wayward goes through after an affair around here. We tend to concentrate on the Betrayed spouses and rightfully so. One thing I want to point out that i have seen posted here in this thread several times...and it is incorrect.

Infidelity is not a mistake. It is a choice....you chose to have sex with another man....regardless of the possiblities of consequences. You were willing to take the risks....willing to feel the guilt...and willing to suffer the loss.

The five stages of grief are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.

Each person processes these stages differently and in their own time. But Waywards certainly go through these same processes.

Just as a betrayed has to go through the stages of grief infidelity causes..Waywards also experince sorrow or grief for the things we have lost. Innocence...self respect and sometimes even a marriage...and no matter what we do we can never recapture the loss. Even in death...we do not "get over" the loss of someone....we learn to live with it. You get over a cold...you dont get over the loss of a marriage.

Get yourself into therapy to help you process all the things you are going through emotionally...and do your best to think about the pain you have caused others...instead of concentrating on your own pain...right now you are feeling sorry for yourself.
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Old 7th May 2017, 10:26 AM   #27
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This forum has helped many people on both sides of the infidelity equation. My one criticism of it is that one gets the sense that many BH's want to reconcile. For the subset that posts here, that is largely true.

But there are many for whom a spouse's affair is a deal breaker. And there is nothing the WS can post affair to reconcile the marriage. While I do not blindly accept internet statistics, it seems that most marriages dissolve post affair. Not of those who post here, but in the real world. Hence my critique of the forum.

You will read many posts here which provide valuable instruction on reconciliation. But you may not be one of the lucky ones whose BS wants reconciliation.

Thus you need to consider your Plan B which concerns what will you do in the absence of reconciliation. I suggest that the first thing to do is to work on yourself so that you may be a safe partner in the future. Second, figure out your living arrangements. You may wish to reconsider his settlement offer.
Third, do not entertain the thought of another relationship unless and until you figure out why your marriage failed--what is within you that made you decide to have an affair.

When I say I have a critique of the forum, I am not criticizing it. I am simply attempting to let you know that successful reconciliation is a process that involves two highly motivated people. It does not occur simply because one
Partner highly desires it.
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Old 7th May 2017, 10:38 AM   #28
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I don't think he will come back, and I'm sorry.

Please don't hurt yourself. I know you are in extreme emotional pain, but if you do harm yourself, that will also hurt your husband and add guilt to the emotions he's already feeling.

For now, you can't reach him, but it sounds like you have some things to say to him. I would suggest to you that you write it all out, not just to express your sorrow, but also as an exercise to help you sort through all your emotions.

I would also suggest that you do some work on yourself to figure out why you cheated. Mot cheaters are not terrible people, beyond redemption. Most are decent people who made a series of bad choices. If your husband sees that you are putting in this work, it might not save your marriage, but it will help you and also him. In his case, it will show that you know what you did was wrong and you are trying to put yourself in a place where it will never happen again. It will also show that you have taken responsibility for your actions and are not trying to blame him ( I'm really impressed, by the way, that you have never done that. You are already a it ahead of the game)

As I said, it may not save your marriage, but, in an odd way, it can be a great gift both for him and you as well.

Please take care, and if you get to a really bad place again, please get help right away. Yes, you cheated, but that doesn't mean you need to harm yourself.
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Old 7th May 2017, 11:52 AM   #29
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I am sorry you are here. I agree with the other posters that therapy is in order. Find out why you made the choices you did and figure out how you will fix them from this point forward.

I think at this point, you can't focus on your husband. Apologies just aren't going to cut it. If you are feeling this, you need to tell him you own your choices and you are going to work on being a better you. And then do it.

I can't speak for all of us waywards, but I do believe many of us have a very low self-esteem. We looked outside of ourselves for validation, rather than finding it within. You can't be happy with someone else if you can't be happy with yourself.

This is the journey I'm on and it's hard. I realized how much self-hatred I had and my affair just gave me yet another reason to hate myself. Not looking for pity here, but I'm really learning a lot about myself and the choices I made.

Work on you. Hopefully your husband will see that and then be open to reconciliation. If not, you are going to have to accept it as one of the many horrible consequences of our actions and vow to live each day as a better person.

Please take care and keep posting here. It really does help.
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Old 7th May 2017, 12:01 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by smi11ie View Post
I am sorry you are here. In some cultures infidelity is treated more harshly than in others. If you are not going to get forgiveness from your husband then you will need to forgive yourself. EVERYONE has made mistakes.....EVERYONE.
Mistake is something you don't intend on doing. Infidelity is a choice. Its a conscious decision. I would be more sympathetic if someone just said I screwed up. I know what I was doing and I was wrong for doing it. To often people like to minimalize there actions. Like is someway just saying it wasn't that bad really makes it not that bad.


I think this line of thinking is a serious discredit for the people that really see what they have done and try to change it.


OP good for you for coming forward. I hope you seek out counseling. I would not focus on your stbxH. I would just let him move in his direction and not fight him in the divorce.


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