When does it go from innocent to something more?

[Zona]

Hi, I am a 44 year old man who has been married for 19 years. My wife and I have a good marriage overall, although when our kids were little, we didn't have much of a sex life. Things have improved greatly over the last couple of years in that regard.

 

About 7 or 8 years ago, a coworker was seriously hitting on my wife, constantly texting her, and taking her out at lunch break and trying to seduce her. At the time she told me about it and just said that she had thrown cold water on it and nothing had ever come of it.

 

Recently while checking my wife's facebook messenger, I see she found him and reconnected with him a few months back and has been sending messages back and forth. He constantly says how much he would like to f*** her, and how beautiful she is, and what all he would do to her body etc. She just replies things like, oh my husband would not be happy about that, or just with a lol or a giggle. He has stated he would like to meet up with her again when he is in town (he is now living in a different state).

 

They don't message each other every day, but every week or a couple of times a week. He never misses an opportunity to tell he his sexual intentions.

 

My question is this. Do I have anything to worry about? She knows exactly how he feels about her so I was surprised when she re initiated contact with him a few months ago. Reading her responses, she always gives a pretty weak push back to his advances, although she never explicitly leads him on, at least not yet. He would be on the next flight out if she ever agreed to meet him, especially with how clear he has been about his sexual intentions.

 

My wife is my soul mate, and I would hate for her to do something in a moment of weakness that ruins our marriage. Like any woman, she is a sucker for flattery, and I hope he never manages to get into her head.

[somuchfortheone]

Hi, I am a 44 year old man who has been married for 19 years. My wife and I have a good marriage overall, although when our kids were little, we didn't have much of a sex life. Things have improved greatly over the last couple of years in that regard.

 

About 7 or 8 years ago, a coworker was seriously hitting on my wife, constantly texting her, and taking her out at lunch break and trying to seduce her. At the time she told me about it and just said that she had thrown cold water on it and nothing had ever come of it.

 

Recently while checking my wife's facebook messenger, I see she found him and reconnected with him a few months back and has been sending messages back and forth. He constantly says how much he would like to f*** her, and how beautiful she is, and what all he would do to her body etc. She just replies things like, oh my husband would not be happy about that, or just with a lol or a giggle. He has stated he would like to meet up with her again when he is in town (he is now living in a different state).

 

They don't message each other every day, but every week or a couple of times a week. He never misses an opportunity to tell he his sexual intentions.

 

My question is this. Do I have anything to worry about? She knows exactly how he feels about her so I was surprised when she re initiated contact with him a few months ago. Reading her responses, she always gives a pretty weak push back to his advances, although she never explicitly leads him on, at least not yet. He would be on the next flight out if she ever agreed to meet him, especially with how clear he has been about his sexual intentions.

 

My wife is my soul mate, and I would hate for her to do something in a moment of weakness that ruins our marriage. Like any woman, she is a sucker for flattery, and I hope he never manages to get into her head.

 

I don't see how having these kinds of conversations are respectful to you or your marriage. She's engaging him because she likes the attention. If it doesn't stop, it absolutely could lead to a PA. Marriages have hard times and you don't want /need someone like that sitting there available when those hard times roll around. I would have a problem with the fact that she didn't tell you that these conversations were even happening.

[d0nnivain]

One or two compliments is innocent. Saying he'd like to have sex with her especially in such crude terms is crossing a line.

 

 

I think your wife likes the attention. She's flattered. Without more you have no proof that she crossed the line into a PA but she's on a slippery slope.

 

 

As calmly as you can confessed that you saw these exchanges & that they hurt your feelings. Ask what she'd be willing to do to reassure you. If she gaslights you, then you know there is trouble brewing & you should investigate further.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Anything that you do...texts, private messages, photos, phone calls etc...that you would not do in front of your spouse...that you would not allow your spouse read or listen to....is inappropriate.

 

Boundaries need to be agreed upon by both partners....just to make them very clear. If you have expressed that something makes you uncomfortable...and she has continued to do so...she is disrespecting you and has crossed your boundary.

 

All accounts, all passwords should be shared between the partners.

 

If you are sharing something that you would not want your spouse to now about...the line has already been crossed.

 

 

Is she cheating? probably not...but if she is going against your will...there is a problem.

[Heathen]

What you need to do is send this barney a "clearly worded" email.

 

 

And cc your wife.

 

 

Women respect strength more than flattery. She may whine about her privacy, but she will get the message that you will step in and protect what is yours. Complaining and doing nothing is the worst thing you should do.. Once the respect is gone, the PA will start.

 

 

Put your pants on and put a stop to this...yesterday

[aileD]

Anything that you do...texts, private messages, photos, phone calls etc...that you would not do in front of your spouse...that you would not allow your spouse read or listen to....is inappropriate.

 

Boundaries need to be agreed upon by both partners....just to make them very clear. If you have expressed that something makes you uncomfortable...and she has continued to do so...she is disrespecting you and has crossed your boundary.

 

All accounts, all passwords should be shared between the partners.

 

If you are sharing something that you would not want your spouse to now about...the line has already been crossed.

 

 

Is she cheating? probably not...but if she is going against your will...there is a problem.

 

 

This. It's good if she's not hiding the conversations from you and you can talk about it.

 

It's bad if you ask her to cut ties because he's being inappropriate and she doesn't.

 

Have you discussed with her?

[Zona]

Yeah, it did bug me 8 or so years ago when it started because they worked so closely together, and because our marriage wasn't the strongest at the time due to the kids being young, and so much work. During that period we were barely having sex at all and she is about as highly sexually charged as a female can get. She has a voracious sexual appetite and LOVES sex more than any other woman I have ever "known", so to speak, or even heard about. Not a good combination at that time.

 

I was happy when he left town, to take away the temptation, but services like Facebook make finding people really easy.

 

I think I will innocently ask her about him, and whether she still keeps in touch with him, and pray she is honest about it. If she is, I will remind her how easy it is to get carried away with texting or messaging, and how that can lead to disaster. Humans have a way of justifying bad behavior if they want something bad enough (excitement, sex, romance, whatever)

 

If she doesn't tell me the truth, that will not be good.

[KimJ1234]

If you have to keep anything a secret from your partner than its wrong.

 

You need to confront both of them before it escalates. Your in the early stages of an affair....stop it in its tracks. Trust me, you don't want to become a betrayed spouse.

[dichotomy]

Ya its wrong and she is standing up for your marriage with some scum bag talking about F'ing her.

 

 

However, I will give you completely different advice then everyone else. Dont tell your wife you saw the messages. While she has crossed a line - its mostly passive - I would continue to spy (and spy more ways) and see how far she lets this go - or takes it. Confront her now - and you will never know what she would have been willing to do - and if she wants to cheat - she will take it underground and hide it better because she knows your checking on her. Sit and watch and don't act any differently.

[MountainGirl111]

I think your wife is playing with fire being in contact with this bozo.

[aileD]

Ya its wrong and she is standing up for your marriage with some scum bag talking about F'ing her.

 

 

However, I will give you completely different advice then everyone else. Dont tell your wife you saw the messages. While she has crossed a line - its mostly passive - I would continue to spy (and spy more ways) and see how far she lets this go - or takes it. Confront her now - and you will never know what she would have been willing to do - and if she wants to cheat - she will take it underground and hide it better because she knows your checking on her. Sit and watch and don't act any differently.

 

 

I respect this view but think differently. I wouldn't give it the chance to go further. Many a WW have regretted stepping over that line. There's always temptation. God puts temptation in our life to test our faith. Sometimes -especially in a marriage- you have to stand with and remind your spouse of their committment.

 

Do you have a good relationship with your wife? Can you come out and say "I noticed the messsges with x and even though I trust you, I don't trust him. I'd like you to get rid of him". ?

[understand50]

My question is this. Do I have anything to worry about? She knows exactly how he feels about her so I was surprised when she re initiated contact with him a few months ago. Reading her responses, she always gives a pretty weak push back to his advances, although she never explicitly leads him on, at least not yet. He would be on the next flight out if she ever agreed to meet him, especially with how clear he has been about his sexual intentions.

 

 

Zona,

 

In answer to your question, you have things to worry about. Your wife is letting another man proposition her, and in a crude sexual manner. As she has stated, My husband would not like this, so I would take the given advise, CALL the SOB, and tell him that if he gets in touch with your wife again, their will be consequences. Is the guy married? I would let his wife know. If not, well there are other things.

 

As for your wife, I would let her know that this is a breach of trust, and she has some work to do. She should not associate with men who do this. Let her know what your consequences would be to her from her cheating. Have her read "just not Friends", you as well, then discuss it with her.

 

This is way out of bounds, both for him, but also your wife for letting it happen. You need to stand up for yourself and not let this go on, and if it does you now know a great deal about the woman you love. It also show issue in your marriage, that you may want to work on. Look, TAKE ACTION.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ya its wrong and she is standing up for your marriage with some scum bag talking about F'ing her.

 

 

However, I will give you completely different advice then everyone else. Dont tell your wife you saw the messages. While she has crossed a line - its mostly passive - I would continue to spy (and spy more ways) and see how far she lets this go - or takes it. Confront her now - and you will never know what she would have been willing to do - and if she wants to cheat - she will take it underground and hide it better because she knows your checking on her. Sit and watch and don't act any differently.

 

wouldn't it make much more sense to tell your wife you disapprove and stop it because you love her and want her....rather than hoping she continues so you can "catch" her and divorce her?

 

If she wants to cheat she will regardless...you are right. But what if by telling her you love her and this has hurt you...it stops everything in its tracks and an affair is averted?

 

Sometimes I think it is better to stop things before they go too far and everyone is sorry. If she is already "too involved" no matter what you say she will continue....but what if ?

 

I could be wrong....but what if i am not. You know....sometimes I think we just need to be honest with our spouse and say...you know hon...I realy dont like that you are having this conversation with him...and i really love you and i dont want anyone to take you away from me. What can it hurt?

[Birdies]

I would ask her innocently (although I'm sure it'll seem kind of out of the blue, if this guy moved away a long time ago) if she ever hears anything about her old coworker Whatshisface, the one who was hitting on her back in the day. Play dumb.

 

If she doesn't tell you about the messages - you know she's being super shady and hiding it from you. I bet she'd then immediately go and secretly delete the message history.

 

Regardless, not completely shutting down that kind of sexual talk is TOTALLY inappropriate of her and not how a trustworthy spouse should behave.

[Zona]

OK, let me clarify something. He didn't use the F word. However he is now a physical therapist and says things like he would like to give her body some physical attention, and other blatantly sexually suggestive things. Really, same difference to me.

 

My plan is to not expose the fact that I can access her facebook messenger so I can keep an eye. Coming out and saying I was spying on her will create a negative atmosphere off the bat.

 

I will bring it up innocently, which is easy to do since we have such open communication. We talk about sex, love, fidelity etc., all the time, so it will be easy to work it in. I will tell her my boundaries in that context in clear terms.

 

If I tell her I don't want her to communicate with him and she continues, I will escalate.

 

I really don't think she realizes the slippery slop nature of these kind of communications, even if her intentions are innocent (his aren't).

 

I am profoundly in love with the women, so I just don't want to take any chances of something going wrong.

[WilyWill]

I would watch for a while longer before confronting. They might discuss things they've done in the past, and you might see additional receptiveness on her part to his suggestions. These are things you'd like to know about. It's disturbing that she's entertaining his suggestions, so you need to know if there's more. If you can monitor closely enough, you'll have an idea before anything happens (he'll be sharing flight details, etc.)

[Overtaxed]

Ugh, dude. This is WAY BEYOND inappropriate. Inappropriate is when an office co-worker asks an opposite sex employee something personal, or send "innocent" pictures back and forth. Saying "I want to sex you up" and your wife not immediately shutting it down hard is about 1/10th of millimeter from cheating. In fact, I might consider this an EA just because she doesn't shut down talk like that hard.

 

You need to jump all over this, and yes, I suggest coming at it from the "So, how's so-so doing" route, let's see if she's trying to hide this, or if she really doesn't recognize it as completely over the line. Either way, you have a problem, take care of it, right now, as in tonight. If you don't, you'll be back here in a month asking why your wife gave you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech to which we will all reply "because she's sleeping with someone else". Don't be that guy, handle it right now, from a position of strength, she'll respect you and you can probably "right the ship" with an hour long conversation rather than years of pain and therapy. Trust me, from one BH to a soon to be BH, you don't want to be there.

[aileD]

If your goal is not to let her know you snooped then "innocently" asking about a random guy from the past she just recently started talking to again is going to give you away so fast. Lol.

[Marc878]

Copy and send the texts to his wife.

 

What are you thinking? Stop this immediately

[Marc878]

OK, let me clarify something. He didn't use the F word. However he is now a physical therapist and says things like he would like to give her body some physical attention, and other blatantly sexually suggestive things. Really, same difference to me.

 

My plan is to not expose the fact that I can access her facebook messenger so I can keep an eye. Coming out and saying I was spying on her will create a negative atmosphere off the bat.

 

I will bring it up innocently, which is easy to do since we have such open communication. We talk about sex, love, fidelity etc., all the time, so it will be easy to work it in. I will tell her my boundaries in that context in clear terms.

 

If I tell her I don't want her to communicate with him and she continues, I will escalate.

 

I really don't think she realizes the slippery slop nature of these kind of communications, even if her intentions are innocent (his aren't).

 

I am profoundly in love with the women, so I just don't want to take any chances of something going wrong.

 

Pal, it's already way past wrong. You are going to get walked on if you don't stand up for yourself

[Mrs. John Adams]

So am I right in assuming then that you dont share passwords on all accounts...because if you do then it really is no big deal that you saw her messages to this guy.

 

If you dont share passwords and this comes as a surprise then if she becomes defensive...it might be a really good time to talk abput secrets and passwords and boundaries.

 

You see...her attitude can be very revealing. If this is innocent on her part...you will know it by her reaction. If she becomes defensive and withdrawn or angry...then it is also revealing.

 

Only you know your wife...we are all just speculating. But YOu said he moved away...so I kindof doubt that she is in a physical realtionship with him. But she might be in an emotional relationship with him. It might be that your reaction stops her in her tracks.

 

YOu say you have a very good relationship with her...then that indicates to me..that you should be able to discuss this with her.

 

I am not really in favor of trying to trip somebody up to watch them fall...especially when it is my heart that is going to break.

 

It is your call buddy....what do you want?

[Whoknew30]

How old is your wife may I ask? I'm not saying it's right but it sounds like she wanted attention. He was doing this before, she knows he wants her & (assuming) thinks it's safe bc he's moved & it's only online.

 

Don't play games...you're not there yet & you don't want to be (best defense is offense). Tell her the truth, you saw the messages & you're upset. Ask her what's going on with her? Is she feeling you guys aren't connecting.

 

After being together for awhile, men think they treat their wives the same they always have, in any marriage things can get comfortable.

 

You read it, she hasn't completely crossed the line, she's flirting with it. Try & A proof your marriage before it does cross the line...& that won't happen if you're not being the example of open & honest with her. Good luck

[Bryanp]

Really. How do you think your wife would be acting if the roles were reversed?

Would she be so passive and accepting as you have been? This is so disrespectful on so many levels.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[QuietDan]

Hi, I am a 44 year old man who has been married for 19 years. My wife and I have a good marriage overall, although when our kids were little, we didn't have much of a sex life. Things have improved greatly over the last couple of years in that regard.

 

About 7 or 8 years ago, a coworker was seriously hitting on my wife, constantly texting her, and taking her out at lunch break and trying to seduce her. At the time she told me about it and just said that she had thrown cold water on it and nothing had ever come of it.

 

Recently while checking my wife's facebook messenger, I see she found him and reconnected with him a few months back and has been sending messages back and forth. He constantly says how much he would like to f*** her, and how beautiful she is, and what all he would do to her body etc. She just replies things like, oh my husband would not be happy about that, or just with a lol or a giggle. He has stated he would like to meet up with her again when he is in town (he is now living in a different state).

 

They don't message each other every day, but every week or a couple of times a week. He never misses an opportunity to tell he his sexual intentions.

 

My question is this. Do I have anything to worry about? She knows exactly how he feels about her so I was surprised when she re initiated contact with him a few months ago. Reading her responses, she always gives a pretty weak push back to his advances, although she never explicitly leads him on, at least not yet. He would be on the next flight out if she ever agreed to meet him, especially with how clear he has been about his sexual intentions.

 

My wife is my soul mate, and I would hate for her to do something in a moment of weakness that ruins our marriage. Like any woman, she is a sucker for flattery, and I hope he never manages to get into her head.

 

Not another one... actually... this is worse and more suspicious than the other ones... there is some long term history here.

They're were a few other men over the last few months who's threads started off soo very similar to this one.

They found out about some "Innocent" back and forth pursuit by a usually current co-worker the wife has known a few months...

He pursues her playfully, but doesn't take no for an answer, just keeps up the pressure... the wife, always the loyal great never do that sort of thing eventually caves in... next thing you know... full blown affair... she is ready to end the marriage, the guy busted up and destroyed... denying that this is going on for about 3 months, then starts to investigate... finds out what he know was the tip of an iceberg.

What you know is what they got careless about... or think is safe playful, deniable stuff....

Since she is playfully, putting up token resistance responses... ( almost word for word back and forth sexual cat an mouse banter that I have heard way too many times in these threads already...)

Your wife is in an emotional affair at the very very least....

And...from what I have seen over the years on here.... the odds are very good it has already gone physical for some time now... or is just about ready to go full blown physical affair... within any given hour....

Tonight might be the night... he manages to secretly get into town on a trip... she will be heading out for a 3 hour trip to the grocery store to get a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk....

I really wonder if they had a emotional and physical affair that ended a few years ago... they are just picking up were they left off...

maybe she ended it last time...

maybe he was forced to end it by other outside influences...

relocated for a job an money...

Her looking him up..... on "affair book" oops sorry... "Facebook". Past history...

Time to play detective big time...

time to get voice activated recorder, hide it under the car seat....etc....

Hope I am wrong...

[Bufo]

All he has to do is convince her that he is madly in love with her, then convince her you'll never find out so what's the harm? She'll be sliding down that slippery slope with sexting, pics, and finally a meet up when he plans to be in town.

 

Think about it. What would be the response if you texted such things to some woman you know at work or in the neighborhood? Would she likely respond weakly with "my husband wouldn't like that"? That reply tells him that while you wouldn't like it, she does like it. And each response simply reinforces that message. As long as she is sending that message, he's not going to go away.

 

If he's married, forward these messages to her. Don't tell your wife you are going to do it. There is probably no better way to nip this affair in the bud.

 

He is grooming her for an affair. You cannot let that continue.

 

Strength! The day you send the copies of these messages, confront your wife. She is thinking about an affair as she hasn't shut the communication down. Her boundaries are far too flexible.

Edited May 4, 2017 by Bufo
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