My spouse is continuing his affair.. I don't want to lose my marriage.

[aadams]

2 and a half weeks ago my husband told me he was done and needed a break. He told me he's been very unhappy and "loves me but isn't in love with me". I had been having a gut feeling telling me he has been speaking with a girl he works with and goes to the bars with each week with other coworkers. He denied it at first. Finally he fessed up after a few days and said yes he has been sleeping with her. And that it had been going on people knew about it and he debated not even telling me. He says he doesn't want to work on our marriage but then makes comments about "I'm not telling you to stop trying, but not saying to hold on". He does small things that show me deep down he is confused and still cares about me. However now that I know he decided to remove his ring and when he goes out to DJ or to the bar with friends he comes home in the mornings from being with her after. I'm having a really hard time coping with this. We have 2 children 7 yr old and a 3 yr old. We have been together 11 years and married for 3 this June. He's been very distant and rude, texts her all day in front of me, still hides his phone. I really don't want to lose my marriage and am open to any advice on how to handle this from people who've been through this type of cheating situation.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you have already lost your marriage with him staying out all night with her, not wearing his wedding ring, telling you he isn't in love with you, etc. What does he want to do? Has he mentioned divorce yet? I can tell you that begging and pleading with him to stay will only make him want to leave more. At this point you need to kick him out of the house and take back your self respect. If he wants her there is nothing you can do about it but file for divorce and get child support decided through the courts. Do you work?

[Mr. Lucky]

I really don't want to lose my marriage and am open to any advice on how to handle this from people who've been through this type of cheating situation.

 

The sad truth is this happens so often that there's a pretty effective three-step strategy for dealing with it -

 

1). Expose the affair - tell his/your family and friends what's going on and involve your social circle to put pressure on him. Make sure people know he's cheating while a wife and 2 small children wait at home. If you attend church, involve the officials there.

 

2). Start the 180 - Google it or it's linked at the top of the Infidelity forum. Print it out and tape it to your bathroom mirror so you see it every day. Follow it religiously.

 

3). See a lawyer - You need to understand you rights, protect your assets and ensure your children's future.

 

Sorry you find yourself here. Keep posting, lots of good feedback and advice here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that both you and your children are having to go through this...

 

But I have to say, your husband is already gone. He's gone outside the marriage and he continues to engage with this woman... He's not with you anymore...

 

If he was really committed to you, he never would have engaged with her or he would have fallen on his knees and begged for forgiveness. He's done neither.

 

Right now, he has got one foot in and one foot out the door - and I would push him the rest of the way out. If he doesn't know what he wants, I would make that decision for him... the other woman would be welcome to him. I'm not interested in sharing my life with a man that I can not trust or respect.

[BaileyB]

Actually, rereading your post, I wouldn't even say that he has one foot in... He's choosing to continue the affair which means - he's made his choice and he is gone... Not much you can do or say about it. He's being so hurtful and disrespectful. Time to talk to a lawyer and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. I'm sorry.

Edited April 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mrs. John Adams]

From one adams to another

 

See a lawyer to find out your rights

 

See a therapist to help you sort through your feelings

 

and kick him out.

 

He should not stay in your home with you and your children if he is still activiely screwing another woman and is treating you so disrespectively by texting her in front of you.

 

You dont deserve this.

 

I would also confide in a close friend or relative....you need support. Maybe your mom or your sister or his mom ...someone that you have a good relationship with.

 

Best of luck to you...so very sad for you

[aadams]

He has been so weird today I couldn't even stand to be around him. Very chatty, happy, and informative. Told me of upcoming dj stuff and actually conversed with me in front of the kids. To be honest I was annoyed and cleaned through it then decided to leave. He has told me he wants to stay in the house. His Facebook is still the same.. says married and still our pictures. I'm just at a loss here. I already am in counseling have been since day 3 of this since I wasn't eating or sleeping. I'm torn with the thought of trying vs filing for divorce. I've loved this man for 11 years and I still am SO confused how a person can be so selfish towards their family.

[QuietDan]

I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

Mr. Lucky gave you some very good advise for a starting point.

I don't exactly know what to tell you.

There is a lot of conventional wisdom that says you should end your marriage.

However, there are situations where a Betrayed Loyal Spouse in your situation was able to eventually turn the situation that described around and actually salvaged and effectively kick started the relationship restoration and recovery process.

There is a lot to it. You can't be soft, you will need to instigate tough love.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

There are things you can do if you are willing, able, and haven't given up hope.

It won't be easy.

You will need to be very patient.

There are a lot of opportunities to exit the process if you lose hope and faith.

However, to a certain degree, it is process that requires an incredible degree of being all in till there is no all in.

However, relationships require two people.

It is said that it only takes one to end a relationship.

If a person changes and acts differently, the other person invariable will be confronted with a situation that will require them to respond and react differently. Change can and does build on itself.

Normally, I am much harder and more pessimistic about these things.

Perhaps I am not being realistic about your situation.

 

If a wayward, wakes up from their self deluded fantasy thinking, they often can not believe who they became. Hearts can change.

I was foolish enough to be a wayward in my past.

My wife and I have worked through a lot of history and recovery through a great deal of pain.

However, 10 years later, I am grateful that she gave me the opportunity to eventually come to my senses. She stayed in the marriage when everyone was telling her to end it. I am convinced that she doesn't regret her choice.

Currently we are in a stage of our lives where there is nothing keeping us together but our mutual desire to stay with each other.

Our kids are grown up now, the youngest one moved out last year.

Currently she is not economically dependent on my income. Neither is she independent, however, there really is nothing that would be keeping either one of us from leaving if we didn't want to stay with each other.

At the moment, the only thing keeping us together is hope, faith, love.

Heck, at the moment I am living half a country away from her, waiting for the school year to end so she can move to where I am relocating for my work. We have been living apart for the last 3 months.

I am counting the days when we will be living under the same roof again in about 6 weeks.

At times, I don't really know or believe why she would or should stay with me. I am a loyal spouse now, but, there are better men out there than me if she is of the mind to give up on me. However, I chose to stay with her and follow her lead in this area.

Every situation is different , every wayward different, every betrayed spouse is different.

Probable for about the first 6 to 12 months after D-Day, I did a great deal of wrong things. By conventional wisdom, she really should have ended the marriage back then. Again, I will say, I am grateful she didn't.

[Whoknew30]

He's saying he doesn't want to be with you...do you really want to be with a man that doesn't want to be with you? I know this is new & hurtful & it's confusing.

 

May I ask, why it took you two so long to get married...I'm just wondering if there were any commitment issues before this?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Tell him that you will begin divorce proceedings. I can see, possibly, mending this relationship, if it was a mistake or two, but he is NOT confused about the fact that he no longer loves you in the way he once did.

 

1. He does not love you

2. He does not respect you or your feelings

3. Tell him to divorce you if he is to continue this behavior

4. Let your closest family and friends know. It would appear that he has not been trying to hide it from others (even strangers).

5. Yes, people do mend marriages, but often never return to the blissful state it once held. It is often b/c of finances, younger children, co-dependence that keeps them together. I personally feeling is that life is too short to allow another selfish human being ruin what remains.

 

Good luck.

[aadams]

The very first thing I did when I found all of this is out was outed him to his mother, my mother, my sister, and his sister in law. Other family at this point is aware too. His mother senses an unsure feeling in him to. She described it as tightrope walking. He does have a history when we were teens before kids with two times he emotionally cheated and left me. But he could actually leave then. Which I mean he could still now yet he doesn't. Which is confusing to his mother and I. Because in the past when he is DONE he moves out, ceases contact, and what have it. One huge issue is the crowd he has hung around from work the past year. One female in particular who I've asked him to not be friends with is totally for his affair. A couple of the others too. He even mentioned they said I was likely doing the same thing. To which I replied that doesn't justify you cheating on your wife and children. We have financial issues which stress him out too but yet again not an excuse to cheat. Half of me believes our relationship is salvageable in time.. the other half of me isn't sure how long I can live in the house with him walking all over me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He has been so weird today I couldn't even stand to be around him. Very chatty, happy, and informative. Told me of upcoming dj stuff and actually conversed with me in front of the kids. To be honest I was annoyed and cleaned through it then decided to leave. He has told me he wants to stay in the house. His Facebook is still the same.. says married and still our pictures. I'm just at a loss here. I already am in counseling have been since day 3 of this since I wasn't eating or sleeping. I'm torn with the thought of trying vs filing for divorce. I've loved this man for 11 years and I still am SO confused how a person can be so selfish towards their family.

 

seeing a lawyer does not mean you have to start divorce proceedings. Take your time. BUt you can find out the best legal way to protect yourself from his craziness.

[aadams]

Seeing a lawyer is absolutely my next step. Just to consult and get a game plan for if this continues to head south. I've also made myself a separate savings to save my dog sitting money and extra cash for the same reason. I'm willing to fight for my marriage. But I am also starting to take precautionary steps to protect my children and myself. You've all been amazing help. I'm so thankful I found this forum.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Seeing a lawyer is absolutely my next step. Just to consult and get a game plan for if this continues to head south. I've also made myself a separate savings to save my dog sitting money and extra cash for the same reason. I'm willing to fight for my marriage. But I am also starting to take precautionary steps to protect my children and myself. You've all been amazing help. I'm so thankful I found this forum.

 

no one wants you to throw in the towel...yet...be we do want you to take care of you and your babies. You cannot depend on him right now....he is unpredictable and unstable. So you need to surrpound yourself with people you can depend on...professionally and personally.

 

Please dont let him control you...dont let him walk on you. Dont let him disrespect you in front of your children.

 

Life sucks sometimes...but you will get through this trial.

[Gr8fuln2020]

The very first thing I did when I found all of this is out was outed him to his mother, my mother, my sister, and his sister in law. Other family at this point is aware too. His mother senses an unsure feeling in him to. She described it as tightrope walking. He does have a history when we were teens before kids with two times he emotionally cheated and left me. But he could actually leave then. Which I mean he could still now yet he doesn't. Which is confusing to his mother and I. Because in the past when he is DONE he moves out, ceases contact, and what have it. One huge issue is the crowd he has hung around from work the past year. One female in particular who I've asked him to not be friends with is totally for his affair. A couple of the others too. He even mentioned they said I was likely doing the same thing. To which I replied that doesn't justify you cheating on your wife and children. We have financial issues which stress him out too but yet again not an excuse to cheat. Half of me believes our relationship is salvageable in time.. the other half of me isn't sure how long I can live in the house with him walking all over me.

 

In the past when? When he was dating? He didn't have children and a wife to lose in the past, right? He has a lot more to lose and consider and that, unfortunately for him, includes continued support of his family. He can't just take off.

 

With the specter of divorce, you will find him sweating waterfalls, I suspect. Like others have said, you don't have to begin divorce proceedings, but don't let him get away with this by pretending it never happened. Put the burden on him to break-up the marriage if he wants it. If so, you know your marriage is not salvageable. If he balks, well, you need to put your foot down.

[aadams]

In the past when? When he was dating? He didn't have children and a wife to lose in the past, right? He has a lot more to lose and consider and that, unfortunately for him, includes continued support of his family. He can't just take off.

 

With the specter of divorce, you will find him sweating waterfalls, I suspect. Like others have said, you don't have to begin divorce proceedings, but don't let him get away with this by pretending it never happened. Put the burden on him to break-up the marriage if he wants it. If so, you know your marriage is not salvageable. If he balks, well, you need to put your foot down.

 

Yes, it was in the past when we were just dating. And that was my exact thought was well now we are married with a family and house etc. Homestly I don't think he even realizes what's at stake here. I don't think he is thinking about without me that he would be working to pay for his family still and wouldn't get the privilege of having a wife and kids to come home to. Just visitation. I would ideally like to approach him soon to chat about things but I am not sure the best way to go about it sounding strong and stern. I have a bad habit of getting emotional which I've been told and read is a huge no-no.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I would ideally like to approach him soon to chat about things but I am not sure the best way to go about it sounding strong and stern. I have a bad habit of getting emotional which I've been told and read is a huge no-no.

 

I would agree. No need to be harsh or stern. Putting your foot down doesn't necessarily mean being confrontational. It's about setting definite boundaries and expectations.

[whichwayisup]

2 and a half weeks ago my husband told me he was done and needed a break. He told me he's been very unhappy and "loves me but isn't in love with me". I had been having a gut feeling telling me he has been speaking with a girl he works with and goes to the bars with each week with other coworkers. He denied it at first. Finally he fessed up after a few days and said yes he has been sleeping with her. And that it had been going on people knew about it and he debated not even telling me. He says he doesn't want to work on our marriage but then makes comments about "I'm not telling you to stop trying, but not saying to hold on". He does small things that show me deep down he is confused and still cares about me. However now that I know he decided to remove his ring and when he goes out to DJ or to the bar with friends he comes home in the mornings from being with her after. I'm having a really hard time coping with this. We have 2 children 7 yr old and a 3 yr old. We have been together 11 years and married for 3 this June. He's been very distant and rude, texts her all day in front of me, still hides his phone. I really don't want to lose my marriage and am open to any advice on how to handle this from people who've been through this type of cheating situation.

 

Right now he's not the man you married. You don't have to follow through on the end result here (divorce) but what you CAN do to wake him up is, tell him to pack his stuff and GO to the OW. That you'd rather be alone with the kids than have him live at home not feeling the love he's supposed to have for you. it'll hurt and be hard to do but it could make him realize he's being selfish and make him see what he could lose. You two have kids together, a family unit and he's a real jerk to do this to you. Don't fight for him unless the A is over and he can prove to you he can be trustworthy again. Talk to a lawyer and your parents, close friends for support.

[Whoknew30]

The very first thing I did when I found all of this is out was outed him to his mother, my mother, my sister, and his sister in law. Other family at this point is aware too. His mother senses an unsure feeling in him to. She described it as tightrope walking. He does have a history when we were teens before kids with two times he emotionally cheated and left me. But he could actually leave then. Which I mean he could still now yet he doesn't. Which is confusing to his mother and I. Because in the past when he is DONE he moves out, ceases contact, and what have it. One huge issue is the crowd he has hung around from work the past year. One female in particular who I've asked him to not be friends with is totally for his affair. A couple of the others too. He even mentioned they said I was likely doing the same thing. To which I replied that doesn't justify you cheating on your wife and children. We have financial issues which stress him out too but yet again not an excuse to cheat. Half of me believes our relationship is salvageable in time.. the other half of me isn't sure how long I can live in the house with him walking all over me.

 

He's used to walking over you...if you had issues of him leaving before, it sounds like he only stays bc you're convenient. IMO, that's why he doesn't leave. You should put your foot down & remove yourself from being his option. That doesn't mean you have to decide right away if you want a divorce but you need to get your self respect back...& I know this may not be popular advice but you don't want a man to stay with you strictly for the kids. It doesn't work & causes animosity & he'll just end up doing this again. Don't throw the kids in his face bc you want him to change bc he loves you, not bc he feels guilty for leave his kids.

 

I've been with my H since 15 & married him by 19 & we both had A..but after they came out, we dropped them & never went back. Not even sure we still wanted to be married at first, we got separated for awhile & 9 years later marriage is really strong BUT we needed to figure it out as a couple...we never threw our kids in our faces & decided to stay married for us...not based on the kids...we're celebrating 18 years married this month.

 

It's possible to reconcile but it needs to be for the right reason & the right way & there's no time table really...reconciling is different for everyone but reconciliation needs to be based on you & him as a couple first...honestly good luck!

[QuietDan]

In the past when? When he was dating? He didn't have children and a wife to lose in the past, right? He has a lot more to lose and consider and that, unfortunately for him, includes continued support of his family. He can't just take off.

 

With the specter of divorce, you will find him sweating waterfalls, I suspect. Like others have said, you don't have to begin divorce proceedings, but don't let him get away with this by pretending it never happened. Put the burden on him to break-up the marriage if he wants it. If so, you know your marriage is not salvageable. If he balks, well, you need to put your foot down.

 

Like an ice cold bucket of water, it might start to wake him up from his fantasy world and get him to start to really think about and assess what he has that he is about to lose if he doesn't start to get his act together and figure out what is real. It starts to get real with real consequences.

It's amazing how many good memories a person forgets, until they are about to lose it.

Then they start to remember some of the good stuff instead of the half truths and wayward lies that are created to justify their behavior.

[TennisGal]

Stay in the house? Oh, hell no. If he wants to act like free agent and go out and sleep with someone else, then he needs to remove himself fro the household. If he won't leave voluntarily, it may be hard to get him out legally, since presumably he is an owner of the property. But you can at least kick him out of your bedroom and make him sleep in a guest room, den, or family room.

[aadams]

Stay in the house? Oh, hell no. If he wants to act like free agent and go out and sleep with someone else, then he needs to remove himself fro the household. If he won't leave voluntarily, it may be hard to get him out legally, since presumably he is an owner of the property. But you can at least kick him out of your bedroom and make him sleep in a guest room, den, or family room.

 

Since this has happened he's been sleeping in the basement. And occasionally comes to bed when I get ready for work in the morning. Him and I share ownership of the house. However I'm contemplating putting my foot down shortly and telling him man up or move out.

[BaileyB]

Good plan. You need to take care of your children and you don't want to disrupt their lives more than necessary. He chose to "leave" the marriage when he started an affair with another woman... He should be the one to leave the home. It will be only the first big consequence of his decision.

 

Stay strong! Do this for yourself, and your babies. Don't let him disrespect or take advantage of the love that you still feel for him... He's crossed a line and he needs to be accountable for that!

[aileD]

Since this has happened he's been sleeping in the basement. And occasionally comes to bed when I get ready for work in the morning. Him and I share ownership of the house. However I'm contemplating putting my foot down shortly and telling him man up or move out.

 

He doesn't even deserve the basement. If he doesn't want to act married then he can't be in the marital home. We have a two family and I wouldn't even let my WH live in the apartment downstairs. He slept in his truck for months.

 

Gonna have a girlfriend? GTFU

[Mr. Lucky]

One huge issue is the crowd he has hung around from work the past year. One female in particular who I've asked him to not be friends with is totally for his affair. A couple of the others too. He even mentioned they said I was likely doing the same thing. To which I replied that doesn't justify you cheating on your wife and children. We have financial issues which stress him out too but yet again not an excuse to cheat. Half of me believes our relationship is salvageable in time.. the other half of me isn't sure how long I can live in the house with him walking all over me.

 

Be careful not to make excuses for him. Were he committed to your marriage, no outside influence could make him cheat. He's made his own choices and all of you are feeling the unfortunate effects...

 

Mr. Lucky