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Emotional affair?


AlwaysTheLastToKnow

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AlwaysTheLastToKnow

My husband has had a female BFF for years. I didn't have a problem with it until recently. He talks to her about our marriage and personal things, but rarely talks to me. He sends her flirty texts and i love you texts alot, but I'm not getting texts like this. He gets her something nice for her birthday, but i get nothing. Then I see a text where she tells him if he ends his relationship, she doesn't want to be part of it and she's not ready for anything. To which he replies, he didn't mean to sound like he was rushing things and wanted her to know how he felt about her.

I've told my husband several times that some of his actions make me uncomfortable. After the "end your relationship " text, i was furious. He told me that text meant nothing and still swears they're just friends.

He gets mad and defensive when I talk to him about it, then other times he says he's sorry he hurt me and try to work on us.

He said they were close friends. Like get drunk together and sleep in the same bed, but nothing ever happened (before he married me). Seems like more than just friends to me.

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I am sorry but why are you still there?

YOU can't change him into the loving husband you want.

He is emotionally invested in this woman and as she doesn't appear to want him, then he is using you as his plan B.

Don't be anyone's plan B.

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Seriously?

 

It's not an emotional affair.

 

It's a full on affair. You need to put your foot down.

 

He can stop talking to Her and cut her out of his life or he can leave.

 

I'd have a chat with her too.

 

And those text messages aren't innocent. He's doing this right under your nose in plain view and you're allowing it.

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AlwaysTheLastToKnow

I appreciate all the replies. They rarely hang out and he's always doing to flirting. He spends 99% of his time with me. But I don't like it, it's inappropriate, and he will have to decide what is most important to him.

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Your lack of action is teaching him how he can treat you.

 

You need to fix yourself. Quit taking that from him or anyone else.

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AlwaysTheLastToKnow

You're right. I don't deserve that. I don't believe that it's been a physical affair, unless it was before i came along.

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Superchicken

Cant you smell the smoke ?.

Where there's smoke, there's FIRE.

Stay where you are, and you will get BURNT !.

 

 

Get out, run for your life.

Collect what you can, and live somewhere else, and restart over !.

 

 

Every person deserves better than what you have been dished.

 

 

Your just staring to open your eyes.

Now, open your mind.

 

 

Ted.

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somanymistakes

It may or may not be, but does it matter right now? He's being pretty open that he wants to be with her...

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AlwaysTheLastToKnow

We barely knew each other for several years through mutual friends. You know, the "hi, good to see you, take care", only once in a blue moon. We started getting to know each other and dating about 3 years ago, and now married for a year.

The reason i think its not physical is because we're together 99% of the time. I just think he flirts with her and she likes the attention. But it still hurts my feelings. They say its all jokes, but jokes should never hurt someone or make them uncomfortable.

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AlwaysTheLastToKnow

I told him if he wants her, I'll walk away. He said he's sorry and wants a life with me. I gave him the easy out, but he didn't take it. Im just confused.

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Mrs. John Adams

As an equal partner in this relationship....you have the right to express your concerns and have those concerns addressed. If the reaction to your concerns is disrespectful, angry, degrading in any way....then you have an answer.

 

Sometimes the answers we receive are not the ones we want. You as a person deserve respect....not only from others...but from yourself. You are a valuable person. Treat yourself better.

 

Your husbands behavior is unacceptble to me. Is it unacceptable to you? and if it is...what are you willing to do about it?

 

I as a forum member cannot tell you what to do....this is your call. But I can tell you...you deserve better than this.

 

You can speak to him about his behavior....you can speak to "his best friend" and express to her your concerns. You can ask him to go to therapy with you to try to "fix" this issue. You can speak to a lawyer. you can even do nothing and live the way you are living and allowing him to disregard your feelings.

 

You have options....what is important to you?

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I told him if he wants her, I'll walk away. He said he's sorry and wants a life with me. I gave him the easy out, but he didn't take it. Im just confused.

 

Now tell him your requirements for staying and they should include no female friends that are not friends of yours. Please read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, then have him read it too. A relationship where one spouse is emotionally attached to two people rarely succeeds because you are only getting him part time. You need to have him commit to being all in or remove yourself from the situation because he's happy with having both a wife and a girlfriend. Do not bring children into this relationship until you are equally committed to it. Stand up for your rights or end it.

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Mrs. John Adams
Now tell him your requirements for staying and they should include no female friends that are not friends of yours. Please read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, then have him read it too. A relationship where one spouse is emotionally attached to two people rarely succeeds because you are only getting him part time. You need to have him commit to being all in or remove yourself from the situation because he's happy with having both a wife and a girlfriend. Do not bring children into this relationship until you are equally committed to it. Stand up for your rights or end it.

 

perfect.....absolutley perfect

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Mrs. John Adams

He needs to set proper boundaries and become completely transparent. This relationship he has with this woman may have to end....

 

not texting and therapy is a start....and he will probably need your help and encouragement to follow through. It can't be lip service. He has to understand that what he is doing is not acceptable and WHY it is not acceptable.

 

He can't agree to do this just to get you off of his back....he needs to want to do this because he loves you....and he knows he has hurt you and he is sorry for it.

 

His actions will tell you how sincere he is.

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We barely knew each other for several years through mutual friends. You know, the "hi, good to see you, take care", only once in a blue moon. We started getting to know each other and dating about 3 years ago, and now married for a year.

The reason i think its not physical is because we're together 99% of the time. I just think he flirts with her and she likes the attention. But it still hurts my feelings. They say its all jokes, but jokes should never hurt someone or make them uncomfortable.

 

 

So, have talked with her about this as well.

 

What you have found in the messages between them are no jokes. Read your first post yourself. Would you ever joke with someone like this?

 

I hate to see you in this situation but it sounds like you H has always had a thing for his friend and still does. Those messages are no joke.

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somanymistakes
I told him if he wants her, I'll walk away. He said he's sorry and wants a life with me. I gave him the easy out, but he didn't take it. Im just confused.

 

Well, he can't take it to be with her if she's telling him no.

 

And some people would rather have both and avoid the upheaval of a breakup if they can.

 

So not taking the 'out' doesn't actually make things better. If he wants to make things better, he needs to pay attention to you and stop acting like he wants to be somewhere else.

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AlwaysTheLastToKnow

I believe now he's always had a thing for her. Up until recently, I was just uncomfortable. Now im furious, as i recently found all these messages.

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I believe now he's always had a thing for her. Up until recently, I was just uncomfortable. Now im furious, as i recently found all these messages.

 

I do not think it is possible to live happy and carefree in a marriage where you are second best to some other woman.

You have been married only a year, I think you should cut your losses and run, before you have three kids and he is still professing undying love for her... or even someone else...

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Doorstopper
Then I see a text where she tells him if he ends his relationship, she doesn't want to be part of it and she's not ready for anything.

 

Reading between the lines here. He may already be having a physical affair.

 

What man is going to talk about leaving his wife for a new partner, without already having sex with that partner first?

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