Jump to content

Newbie: husband cannot choose between me and OW


Recommended Posts

Hi! I have been reading this site non-stop since I found it 3 days ago during the worst days of my life. I wonder if you could be my people now, and give me some support. I've tried other places, but I don't feel I fit.

 

My story is pretty ordinary. Last April 10 was my 11 years aniversary. We are now in the US, but we are from Latinamerica. We have been here 7 years now. I thought we were happy. I was certainly very happy. My H was affectionate, smiling often, sex was kind of rutinary, but we never stopped and I did whatever he wanted me to do. I love him and always look up to him.

 

Last August I started a full time job with a terrible commute. I was out of the house for at least 10 hours every day. He said it was fine, he was proud of me for getting the job of my dreams and making money of it. In the past, I left everything to follow him to 4 different cities in 3 countries. I changed my career for him and worked terrible jobs with horrible salaries. I do not regret one single bit.

 

Last January he traveled to our home country 2 weeks for holidays. I knew something was wrong immediately since for the last 3 days he was in our country, when he was with his cousin, he would not chat with me. One day he forgot to say good night. We used to chat all day long, every day. When he came back, it was somebody had died and he was grieving. After that, some days he was my lovely H, some other days he would almost ignore me. At this time he started trekking on the weekends. I was barely at home and he would leave for hours when I was there. I knew something was wrong and many days I cried my full commute, at least 1 hour long each way, afraid of what it could be.

 

At the end of March, I could not take it anymore and I talked to him. He said "there is somebody else". He told me he wanted to tell me earlier, but my company, a startup, had trouble with our funding sources at the same time, and he did not want to add another worry. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said "I don't know".

 

I never felt that much pain. Not even when I was cut open because I got peritonitis. After two days I decided to do the 180, because I could not face him. He cried for two days, but after I started the 180, he almost became my loving H again, happy: even singing.

 

He had scheduled a trip to our country soon by the time this thing exploded. At the time he said he wanted to spend more time with his family. I said then that I would do my best to allow him to travel more, if that's what he wanted, including allowing him to change jobs if that's what needed to happen. However, truth was that his OW is in our country, she is the cousin with whom he stayed the last time, and he planned the trip to be with her and "understand". He is leaving in 3 weeks and he promised me to have an answer when he is back.

 

He told me the affair "just happened on that trip". But later, in other conversation I had with him (we have barely talked since this happened), he ended telling me that he did not think things were going to be like "this", meaning that he thought he could have a PA and come back to me as if nothing happened. Before, he had asked me if I thought there was still hope for our future, and I said yes. But I was thinking about a mistake. Now I know it's not a mistake.

 

The final nail on the coffin came this week, when I remembered some paintings he hung up on the wall in his home office before the explosion. I did not say anything for several days, and one day he called me to show them to me. He was bragging about how nice they were, and I said yes, they are very nice, you should protect them. This week I googled his OW's name and came to an old blog, where she had pictures of the paintings. They were hers. I can only think how fun it must have been for him to get his trusting wife to talk about the pictures given by his lover, not knowing what they meant.

 

So I decided I am leaving. ASAP. I cannot believe a word he says. He bought me chocolates for Easter. The only explanation for that now is that he wants to keep me here in case things with OW do not work. He has said twice that they do not have a relationship, and that he doesn't know if she will want one.

 

I do not understand what's happening. I do not understand him behaving like he loves me but not really loving me. He is also not reacting like most WS: he did not say he wanted to stay, he did not say "I love you but I don't". He did not monster.

 

I feel he is not a evil man. He was my perfect lover. So I can't go into rage and thinking I need to kick him out now. I can't go into Standing either. He doesn't seem to respect me now. That's why attract me to this forum, that nobody seems to fall into the white/black picture.

 

Do you have any advice or kind words? I need anything I can get. Even the difficult parts (I am in IC. He has been in IC since last year for anxiety, difficulty concentrating, problems sleeping). No MC. He has not said he wants to be with me, so why bother?

Edited by Desol
Link to post
Share on other sites

Not choosing is a choice. I draw hard bright lines on marital cheating. He picks you or you pick a divorce attorney. I know that is harsh, maybe more harsh then your heart is ready for but you have to stick up for yourself.

  • Like 10
Link to post
Share on other sites

He has been in IC since last year for anxiety, difficulty concentrating, problems sleeping).

 

This...probably due to affair.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting in pain. But it doesn't really matter what he wants or not.

 

What do you want?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

To heck with him choosing! YOU choose! Choose to be out of infidelity! Have him served at the airport when he returns. Tell him he has until the D is final to convince YOU not to leave HIM.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My only advice is don't let him go back and forth. It gives him too much power in the process.

 

He is married to you. There is no "figuring myself out". he is YOUR husband and it is not okay for him to have an affair.

 

I wouldnt allow him to be in your MARITAL home if he doesn't want to act like he's married .

 

I'm sorry. I know it's difficult.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Every time he wants to kiss you, remember his lips were all over her. Every. Part. Of. Her.

 

That sounds harsh, but I've been where you are. Bargaining. It's not that bad. ...

 

But it is. Isn't it?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why is it his choice? I would take the choice away from him because cheaters make really bad choices. Last thing you need is a part time husband that you share with some low life that will sleep with another woman's husband. Take yourself out of all this drama, help him pack his stuff including the pictures she gave him and kick his a$$ out. The big hefty orange garbage bags should do the trick. Talk to a lawyer immediately, get tested for STD's, they always lie about using protection. He doesn't deserve you in his life.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Every time he wants to kiss you, remember his lips were all over her. Every. Part. Of. Her.

 

That sounds harsh, but I've been where you are. Bargaining. It's not that bad. ...

 

But it is. Isn't it?

 

I haven't allowed him to kiss me or have had sex with him since the day I knew. It's disgusting.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why is it his choice?

 

I have no idea. Why indeed? Perhaps because I thought this was about who he loves, instead of "do I want to be cheated on?"?

 

I did get tested for STDs. I was clean.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

But, if he's having a difficult time choosing, I would make that decision for him. He would be welcome to the other woman, or any other woman who would want him, because I would not want him in my home or in my bed.

 

I know it hurts, you built a life together. But, he has made another choice and whether you like it or not, you have to protect yourself and move forward to find a different life now... Best wishes to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
He has been in IC since last year for anxiety, difficulty concentrating, problems sleeping).

 

This...probably due to affair.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting in pain. But it doesn't really matter what he wants or not.

 

What do you want?

 

I haven't thought of that. You are probably right. For a time I thought it was depression in the hands of an useless therapist. He was deeply unsatisfied with his career.

 

I want him back, Sunshinechica. :o I know that's impossible, and I am trying to remove even the slightest shadow of a doubt. I know leaving is the right thing to do for me, but this is so hard.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Desol,

The reason he won't choose (not can't choose) is because he wants both you and her. It's called "cake-eating", and it's standard cheater behaviour. And he does it because you let him.

 

You need to put a stop to that by filing for divorce and throwing his sorry @r$e out of the door.

 

If he really wanted to save his marriage he would've given her up on DD and re-committed to the marriage. He hasn't, so you have his answer.

Now you need to move forward and build a new life for yourself that doesn't include the cheating slime-ball.

 

I'm sorry x

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have no idea. Why indeed? Perhaps because I thought this was about who he loves, instead of "do I want to be cheated on?"?

 

I did get tested for STDs. I was clean.

 

How could it be about who he loves?

 

- if he loved you as a wife he wouldn't have cheated

 

-he hasn't known her long enough to "love" her

 

 

Make no mistake, this is about selfishness. Not love.

 

If you have any chance of getting him back, it's to take a stand now and refuse to accept this behavior. To force him to deal.

 

And I'd be having a bonfire in the backyard with those Paintings. That he can bring them into the house and disrespect you like that is wrong.

 

Do not accept disrespect.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
The only explanation for that now is that he wants to keep me here in case things with OW do not work.

 

Perceptive on your part. And this is the option you need to remove. He has to understand that, if he leaves, there's no coming back. You won't be his "Plan B" available and waiting while he comparison shops his OW.

 

Desol, at this point it's as much about respect as it is about love. No man that respects you would treat you this way and hopefully, you have too much self-respect to be put through this.

 

He should know he's got a final decision to make...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you are new member of the "betrayed spouses club". It's a membership no one really wants.

 

I know your heart is broken, and you are likely feeling off centre and confused. Where the did the sweet, loving guy who was your husband go?

 

Right now, he's gone. He's treating you like crap,and right now, that's who he is. As painful as it may be, you have to stop basing your opinions about him on who he was, and use the present instead.

 

I'm not saying you have to give up on your marriage, but rather that, in your situation, I would say that you need to go against all your instincts. No matter how pretty, loving, kind, great in bed or anything else you may be,he won't change, because his affair isn't about you. It's about him deciding to follow the maxim of " when the cat's away, the mice will play".

 

In your shoes,I would commit to a strict 180. Start putting yourself first. Go places on your own, tell him you are stressed and thinking of taking a trip of your own ( and do it). If you cook, do the laundry, clean, etc., do it only for yourself. Don't initiate conversations with him. Find an activity, club or something else you like to do, and start doing it on your own. Don't be his doormat any longer.

 

See a lawyer, asap. I'm not saying this because I think divorce is unavoidable, but because the more knowledge you have, the better choices you can make.

 

I've been a bs too. Ten years ago, my husband had an A. It took a long time, but we were able to come back from it. That is what was right for us. What is right for you may be very different.

 

I admire your ability to empathize and keep an open mind. You have a huge heart, and that is a wonderful thing. The problem is, in your current situation, it won't help you. I know you don't like black and white thinking, but in this situation, too much empathy and understanding can hurt you. It will allow you to be walked all over. He is not treating you in a way that is loving ( the painting rove that...what kind of a pig does that? Who puts up paintings from his girlfriend just so he can flaunt his A is his wife's face and laugh at he behind her back- that really low).

 

If there ever was a time in your life for black and white thinking, this is it. Either A's are wrong, full stop, or they are acceptable and understandable, given certain situations. Which do you feel is the right answer in your mind? If it's all A's are wrong, then your H needs to end his or you walk. If you feel they are okay in certain circumstances, then broach the subject of an open marriage with your H. It's possible you'd be okay with that, and so long as you are happy, and no one is being lied to or hurt, that's your life.

 

 

One more thing. I may have said these, but I wanted to reiterate a few points.

 

-The A is NOT your fault. Your H cheated because he wanted to. He wasn't forced, he knew what he was doing. It was a fully conscious choice he made, knowing full well how it would hurt you. He even rubbed your nose in it with the pictures.

 

- he lied about the A for as long a she could and gas lighted you

 

-you don't need to do the "pick me " dance

 

- right now, he is not the man you fell in love with. that doesn't mean he never will be again, but right now, he's gone. Base your actions and choices on how he is acting right now. Don't put your own spin on them, or try and cast a positive light. That won't make them any different.

 

- put yourself first now, not him. That doesn't equate to being cruel to him or unkind, just neutral. Hard as it may be, try to put yourself n a mindset where he is an incidental.

 

- seek legal advice. the more you know, the stronger you are and the less crap you are willing to take.

 

- start going out without him. go out with friends, go on your own, etc. take a short trip on your own, but tell him, don't ask.

 

- it's possible for your marriage to recover, but not if you act like a doormat. Forget that he used to be so nice to you. Look at his actions now.The guy you fell in love with is gone right now, except maybe for brief flashes.

 

best of luck to you, and welcome to the club. one thing I can say for certain is that the heartache does lessen and you will feel better again.

 

on more thing. Am I right that he says he wants to travel back to where she is so he can "see his family"? If this is true, here's what I would do.

 

When he's leaving to go, I would smile at him very sweetly and watch him go. Once he's gone, start boxing up all his belongings and put them in the garage.The send him a quick text ( once you know his plane has left the airport) that when he gets back, you will have moved his belongings, and he is no longer welcome to speak with you, unless it is about a divorce. Let him spend his "vacation" worrying about what's waiting for him when he gets back.

After you send the text, if you can block his number, do it. Then stick to your guns and actually see a lawyer.

 

He's treating you really badly, and you allow it because you love him. Stop teaching him to treat you this way.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi! I have been reading this site non-stop since I found it 3 days ago during the worst days of my life. I wonder if you could be my people now, and give me some support. I've tried other places, but I don't feel I fit.

 

My story is pretty ordinary. Last April 10 was my 11 years aniversary. We are now in the US, but we are from Latinamerica. We have been here 7 years now. I thought we were happy. I was certainly very happy. My H was affectionate, smiling often, sex was kind of rutinary, but we never stopped and I did whatever he wanted me to do. I love him and always look up to him.

 

Last August I started a full time job with a terrible commute. I was out of the house for at least 10 hours every day. He said it was fine, he was proud of me for getting the job of my dreams and making money of it. In the past, I left everything to follow him to 4 different cities in 3 countries. I changed my career for him and worked terrible jobs with horrible salaries. I do not regret one single bit.

 

Last January he traveled to our home country 2 weeks for holidays. I knew something was wrong immediately since for the last 3 days he was in our country, when he was with his cousin, he would not chat with me. One day he forgot to say good night. We used to chat all day long, every day. When he came back, it was somebody had died and he was grieving. After that, some days he was my lovely H, some other days he would almost ignore me. At this time he started trekking on the weekends. I was barely at home and he would leave for hours when I was there. I knew something was wrong and many days I cried my full commute, at least 1 hour long each way, afraid of what it could be.

 

At the end of March, I could not take it anymore and I talked to him. He said "there is somebody else". He told me he wanted to tell me earlier, but my company, a startup, had trouble with our funding sources at the same time, and he did not want to add another worry. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said "I don't know".

 

I never felt that much pain. Not even when I was cut open because I got peritonitis. After two days I decided to do the 180, because I could not face him. He cried for two days, but after I started the 180, he almost became my loving H again, happy: even singing.

 

He had scheduled a trip to our country soon by the time this thing exploded. At the time he said he wanted to spend more time with his family. I said then that I would do my best to allow him to travel more, if that's what he wanted, including allowing him to change jobs if that's what needed to happen. However, truth was that his OW is in our country, she is the cousin with whom he stayed the last time, and he planned the trip to be with her and "understand". He is leaving in 3 weeks and he promised me to have an answer when he is back.

 

He told me the affair "just happened on that trip". But later, in other conversation I had with him (we have barely talked since this happened), he ended telling me that he did not think things were going to be like "this", meaning that he thought he could have a PA and come back to me as if nothing happened. Before, he had asked me if I thought there was still hope for our future, and I said yes. But I was thinking about a mistake. Now I know it's not a mistake.

 

The final nail on the coffin came this week, when I remembered some paintings he hung up on the wall in his home office before the explosion. I did not say anything for several days, and one day he called me to show them to me. He was bragging about how nice they were, and I said yes, they are very nice, you should protect them. This week I googled his OW's name and came to an old blog, where she had pictures of the paintings. They were hers. I can only think how fun it must have been for him to get his trusting wife to talk about the pictures given by his lover, not knowing what they meant.

 

So I decided I am leaving. ASAP. I cannot believe a word he says. He bought me chocolates for Easter. The only explanation for that now is that he wants to keep me here in case things with OW do not work. He has said twice that they do not have a relationship, and that he doesn't know if she will want one.

 

I do not understand what's happening. I do not understand him behaving like he loves me but not really loving me. He is also not reacting like most WS: he did not say he wanted to stay, he did not say "I love you but I don't". He did not monster.

 

I feel he is not a evil man. He was my perfect lover. So I can't go into rage and thinking I need to kick him out now. I can't go into Standing either. He doesn't seem to respect me now. That's why attract me to this forum, that nobody seems to fall into the white/black picture.

 

Do you have any advice or kind words? I need anything I can get. Even the difficult parts (I am in IC. He has been in IC since last year for anxiety, difficulty concentrating, problems sleeping). No MC. He has not said he wants to be with me, so why bother?

 

 

You're in shock and being extremely manipulated by your husband.

 

Your anger is the voice within you at this point is surfacing, it's a healthy anger that is battling the part of you who is denial.

 

The fact that your husband is having an affair with his "cousin" is simply gross and makes his cheating on you beyond creepy.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
-he hasn't known her long enough to "love" her

 

He does know her longer than me, aileD. She is his first degree cousin. Granted, they were separated from their teenager years to perhaps last year or so, when he got Facebook, but they are about the same age and they were close when children. According to him, they never had anything in the past and he did not have a crush on her. But who knows now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Letting your husband know you are just sitting around waiting for him to make the choice between you and the OW is not attractive to him. It makes you look weak. If you let him go you will take yourself out of the equation and he will realize what it feels like to no longer have you in his life which more than likely make him miss you even if he is with her. Knowing he has you both wanting him will make him take his own sweet time to make the choice while continuing this affair. Sometimes when you love someone you have to set them free just for your own sanity and sometimes holding on to them is holding on to the pain.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
He does know her longer than me, aileD. She is his first degree cousin. Granted, they were separated from their teenager years to perhaps last year or so, when he got Facebook, but they are about the same age and they were close when children. According to him, they never had anything in the past and he did not have a crush on her. But who knows now.

 

He's seeing his first cousin?

That's pretty unusual. Are they related by blood or marriage?

 

Really though, I guess it doesn't mater. he's cheating, and that's the biggest issue.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
He's seeing his first cousin?

That's pretty unusual. Are they related by blood or marriage?

 

They are related by blood. In my country that's not illegal and I'd say it's kind of normal, although not approved. My Dad had a relationship with his cousin (no cheating) and my brother had a relationship with our cousin (no cheating, but she is a dammed whore).

Link to post
Share on other sites
They are related by blood. In my country that's not illegal and I'd say it's kind of normal, although not approved. My Dad had a relationship with his cousin (no cheating) and my brother had a relationship with our cousin (no cheating, but she is a dammed whore).

 

I see.

 

I know I gave you a lot of advice before, but I forgot one of the most important.

 

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to process everything. That can take a long time. It's normal to feel all over the place, and it's just as normal to feel focused. Do some nice things for yourself.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Desol, don't make your decisions based on your heart. Don't sit around and wait on him. If you haven't already, put him out of your bed. Throw those pictures out of your house. Tell him that he is leaving or you are. And mean it. Talk to an attorney so that you know what you can and cannot do.

 

Make sure you eat and stay hydrated. Do something nice for yourself everyday. Love yourself, save yourself. ((Hugs))

Link to post
Share on other sites
He does know her longer than me, aileD. She is his first degree cousin. Granted, they were separated from their teenager years to perhaps last year or so, when he got Facebook, but they are about the same age and they were close when children. According to him, they never had anything in the past and he did not have a crush on her. But who knows now.

 

Out of my whole post...THAT is what you latched on to?

 

Please go back and re-read my post. Also I am still correct because cousin love is different from "in love" which he is not in love he is in lust. Love does not happen in that phase.

 

And GROSS on the cousin thing. I don't understand how that can be seen as ok in any culture.

Link to post
Share on other sites
somanymistakes

Supposedly Americans are much touchier about cousin relationships than most other countries in the world, although exactly how taboo it is varies, and even in the US it's not that rare for people to have 'fooled around' with their cousins at some point in their teens. Which sounds pretty weird to ME, but it's what my sociology class said.

 

Desol - I'm a little confused, is he trying to choose between you or has he already chosen? You said he hasn't asked you to stay or anything like that...

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...