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Never Again


Allregrets

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Hello all,

 

First time poster, long time lurker. I've read at least 1,000 pages on this and other forums during and after my A. I've read countless books. It has helped me tremendously, but unfortunately I feel I will never heal from the pain I have caused.

 

Want to know how to ruin the lives of at least three people? Have an A. Just try it and see how it will eventually paralyze you; how it grows to become such a huge mindf_ck that will leave you, the OP and your BS emotionally scarred for many years to come. I found myself (on accident) fishing off the pier of broken dreams, catching a woman equally as vacuous emotionally and void of any self esteem as I was at the time, and who sadly was dealing with her H's infidelities and went from BS to WS and ultimately my AP. An (almost) one night stand that was supposed to be just that ended up becoming a monster we lost control of - and she and I are in a capacity with enormous control and responsibility. For eleven months my AP and I gave each other ego kibbles and inflated fantasies of riding away in the sunset happily ever after. If only it were that easy. Since then I have unearthed so many secrets about other men in my profession, the infidelity that occurs fluently in my industry and sadly the secrets that many of my friends and co-workers keep from their spouses. I could vomit a three-hour documentary tomorrow. It has made me question everything, from naturally my own fidelity to my BS and to my relationships with everyone in my life. The revealing of my A have caused friendships to end and have made me look at my coveted profession under a whole new light; one that I am not proud of for a myriad of reasons described in painful detail I may decide to share in this forum.

 

Oh how I've seen and heard over and over again the tales of MM kissing their wives goodbye - only to fly 2,500 miles for work and land in a city where they are greeted by their young GF - only to bang the day away in a hotel room. Yes, we all work in the same industry. Yes, it is disgusting, and yes it happens every single day around the world. I've had advances from single women and opportunities to do the same - something I have disregarded and looked the other way for almost two decades until that fateful night in February 2016. With just enough alcohol and little self control, I too became just another statistic; one to join the ranks of several of my peers. On the other hand we also have the women who gladly stoop to such levels to be with MM, who are either so self-centered and/or naive that they don't care about the families involved or simply get caught up in something that is so over their head. They make their own decisions without the discretion of others. They think they have the world by the string, vice they actually have no regard for anyone but themselves.

 

I'm contemplating sharing the experience of my A and its life cycle, precipitated by a MM (me) and a MW (her). I thought I would share my experience with everyone and give a very detailed report of how my A occurred, transpired, matured and then came crashing down in a ball of flames. The pain was tremendous. As much as I try to "lead by example", I encourage all of you in the midst of having an A or are deeply rooted in one to read my very long but accurate story as an example of what NOT to do. It covers a lot of information, but paints a picture of highs, lows, tremendous pain and ultimately regret and sadness I cannot shake. Hopefully it will shed light on those currently involved in an A (WS, BP, AP).

 

Shall I post? (It's long).

 

Kind regards,

 

Allregrets

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Allregrets,

 

Please share your story. I would love to hear it.

 

And the very best thing you can do? Focus everyday on being a better person. Do something kind for others. We all make mistakes. Learn from them.

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I would also love to read your story. My industry is infested with this type of behavior as well, we all fly a lot for work, we're all men, and it's really soul destroying to see how most men and women act when they are away from their spouses. The bragging the next morning about the girl someone bedded last night. And then back to the plane and the wife/kids. It's so sad, and even more so that these women are living in the dark, thinking these men are single, or thinking that these men really care for them and intend to leave their wives.

 

I'd love to hear what happened here, and I'm sorry for your situation. I'm a BH, but the only reason I'm now a WH is because I'm a hermit when I travel, I avoid social interactions at all costs. If I was like most of the guys I travel with and spent my evenings at the hotel bar, I'd be on here asking what to do about my broken wife/marriage or how in "love" I fell with my 15th AP. So sad.

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Starswillshine

I, too, would be interested in hearing. My WH travels and affairs run rampant. Whether it is ONS or full fledged affairs. Some just have a girl in every town. I don't know how i can ever trust him again on the road. And he isn't willing to give up a career. So we give up a marriage.

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use some of your effort to help your BS heal from the A.

 

your written timeline would help her if she wants that.

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Here it is. My A is excruciating detail. I apologize, but the event makes you question everything in your life.

 

I am a 43 year old man, coming up on ten years of marriage this July to my second wife, who is 45. I am a professional with a good income, a beautiful home and have two children (boy is 8, girl is 5). We've made our home in the same area for 13 years now and we are truly blessed with what we have. This is also my second marriage (first one lasted two years). My wife now was never married before but was briefly engaged to an emotionally-abusive man. Thankfully that relationship ended, as I would've never met her. She really is the love of my life. I just haven't realized that until recently. I took her for granted. Sadly it took an A to realize.

 

What I will talk about briefly is my XW. I think it helps paint a picture of how my relationship is currently with my BW now. I met my XW in college and we married in our mid-twenties, but we were mostly incompatible. Her close friends were tying the knot at the time (they're all divorced now) and she felt pressure to "have a wedding" but for all the wrong reasons. We had chemistry, but that was the extent of it. She was a firecracker, but always belittled other women and thought very highly of herself. Thankfully we never had children. One summer day she dyed her hair platinum blonde, then began to self tan, started to consume more alcohol than normal and to my amazement began smoking. Completely out of the blue. I thought she fell into drugs (maybe she did) but I was always gone for my job doing what I had to do at the time. She was a pharmaceutical sales rep, made six figures at age 25 and had the looks and personality to boot. I'm not certain, but her actions point to an A, and most likely it was with one of her clients or quite possibly her male boss. She definitely had the personality to get caught up with other power-hungry men. There was always some sort of weird friction with her male boss, but I couldn't put my finger on it. She ultimately got fired later from her job for "unknown reasons" but I think there's truth into the client/boss A. I will never know, and fifteen years later I really don't care. However, I never got closure and never knew if she actually cheated on me. That devastated me for quite some time but I had no choice but to let it go. That life was abruptly over.

 

What I did care about at the time was that she pursued divorce immediately. The dialogue during this mess was minimal, and to this day some fifteen years later we have only said less than fifty words to each other. She also never remarried. Since then I've only seen her twice, and that was shortly after she wanted me out of the house. She did have some mysterious man (probably her AP) move in with her but that relationship eventually died. She never apologized to me; she simply vanished into thin air. In retrospect, I think she was a narcissist and sociopath; alienating her friends and family over her A. I was completely devastated and stayed single for just a few months, and then I quickly rebounded with a girl I met on an Internet dating site (my now W).

 

The rebound with my (second) W:

 

After I found myself kicked to the curb by my first W, I quickly signed up with internet dating sites that were popping up around this time (Match, eHarmony, YahooPersonals, etc). I met one woman online after a few weeks who lived about 300 miles away from where I was living at the time (I had already moved out of the house and relocated to another job in another city). This woman who I was chatting with on YahooPersonals was cute (in pics) and she seemed nice, genuine and fun. We had a pretty benign online relationship for a few months and all was going well until the startup company I was working for went bankrupt in November of 2002. Sadly, the dark cloud just kept lingering above my head. I then decided to move home with my parents in Florida for two months. I traveled abroad a little and kept in contact with her. I then realized I must go back to work, so I did in January 2003 by relocating to an area close to where I lived before (and coincidentally close to this woman). I started fresh with a new career (not in my industry) and all alone in a town where I only knew two friends (married to each other) from college who were gracious enough to let me stay in their home until I could generate enough income to move into an apartment. I was destitute at age 28. A few months passed and I eventually got back on my feet. I moved into my own apartment. I got promoted. Eventually I met up with the woman who still lived now only an hour drive away. I found her to be really cool and mellow; the complete opposite of my x-wife. However, there were really no fireworks, no huge attraction but we still connected on a friendship level. She is an artist, introverted and smart, whereas I am an extrovert, gregarious and very type-A driven. Needless to say, we became a couple for a few years and grew together. However my hang-up has been that our relationship developed online; it was never a "first look and instant connection/attraction" that I have always related to. This was new type of falling in love, something that built on mutual friendship.

 

Every relationship I've had has started as an initial attraction and was complimented with effective communication. Everything clicked, and there's always been chemistry. I have never used any hookup apps, have never had a one-night stand, as I've only met women either through work, school or mutual friends and from there a relationship builds. Meeting girls at a club or receiving lap dances in Las Vegas has always repulsed me. Anyway, I assume this is how most of it goes for most people (or at least it did prior to dating/hookup apps). There's no other way prior to the Internet that I would've ever met my second W. It simply would've never happened in a million years. Then I began to think if she was put into a situation where I would've met her like I have met all my other past significant others, there would've been no attraction, no real connection. I would've just passed her without a second thought in the world. We are both from completely different walks of life; she is nothing like me at all, nor would I ever find her in a social setting with any of my friends. Ever. I feel at times she has held me back, pulled me down like a boat anchor by not supporting my decision to seek better opportunities or promotions throughout my career. I used to be a super motivated, "seize the day!" kind of individual. Now sometimes I feel like a caged dog. I've never received a "high-five!" From her; it's more like "well I don't really feel comfortable about all this" kind of response. She is very grounding, but for a man with high energy who aspires to reach for the moon, I can feel quashed. Im definitely not the fun guy I used to be. I'm more like her now; reserved, quiet. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I attribute it to having demanding children and getting older. This in itself has become my problem as I think about this all the time.

 

About a year later, she eventually took a job in my town and moved closer to me. That was coincidence. I had my own apartment at the time and she moved into her own. As time went on, I felt like I wasn't really connecting with her (due to my own issues with not "feeling it") so we kind-of went our own ways.. for a little bit. You could say we casually broke up, but I'm the one who initiated it - primarily because of the spark issues that I never had with her. There just wasn't any fireworks. Maybe it was a lack of chemistry. She was so different than all the women I had previously dated (which have all ended up failing). It was during that small window of being single where I met a beautiful younger woman at my work and I was instantly attracted to her. She was attracted to me as well. This was more my style of familiarity. Total fireworks and the mutual attraction was insatiable. Through fits and starts we started dating, but our relationship seemed toxic. I felt like she had a "wandering eye" and sure enough she gave me every opportunity to not trust her. I never felt secure in that relationship. It only lasted a few months and I had so many insecurities with her that I felt I had to let her go. It was at that time when I realized how special my (now wife) was to me. So I thought long and hard about my decisions and got back together with her. By the way, keep that other girl in the back of your mind. Fast forward to 2007 and we eventually got married. Fast forward to today, and we are now a family of four. I am blessed. You could call us a YahooPersonals success story. We actually became their "banner couple" and for several years while YahooPersonals was around, we could be seen in their banner ads on the internet. Pretty cool.

 

However, as time passed in my marriage I began to question if I made the right decision. I internalized with several questions almost daily.

Did I settle? (Maybe)

Did I rebound? (Yes)

Should I have dated more women after my divorce? (Yes)

Why did I ever get married again? (Fear of being alone, BUT wanting a family)

What is wrong with me? (Insecure, self image issues)

Do all men think like this? (Some do, some don't)

 

In 2009 we bought a house together. We grew. Our family grew. I was in love with our children and what we had created. As I went back into the professional world (my old industry), my income increased significantly. By 2011 my wife's company had a management change and she found the work environment to be toxic. We talked briefly about her working from home and we decided to give that a shot. She quit her job and stayed at home, building a small business for herself. I supported her on that decision. However the day she decided to quit was equivalent to a bomb going off. Looking back, we were really not ready financially. I was frightened how we were going to pay our bills. I became extremely stressed. Essentially that day I became a different man; angry and withdrawn. Naturally, I did what I was supposed to do and I worked significantly more for lost income, thus being away from home even more. I had no choice. Over time my sleep patterns became sporadic, my stress level went through the roof. However, I made it work. Unfortunately, I only became more resentful and bitter. As months became years, I complained non stop to her about how unhappy I was becoming. My closest friends knew I was miserable with her. I was feeling taken advantage of and I became dissatisfied with what my life had become; I felt like I was a paycheck to her and nothing else. I did not receive what I needed, which was affirmation that I was doing the right thing. I didn't feel loved or respected. I would come home exhausted and find myself doing the laundry, the bills, the yard work, and dinner plus dishes. I was feeling so worthless. This went on for over three years. Is this what I wanted in life? Absolutely not. However, I carried on. I became depressed. Our sex life went to absolute zero; no sex in months. When we were intimate once a quarter, it was late at night, after a bottle of wine and with lights off. She hated it. There was no passion. It was awful.

 

Fast forward to February, 2016 and the beginning of my unexpected A:

 

I travel a lot for my job, and every February I have recurrent training that takes place in Florida. For several years I have scheduled my training events with another male friend (married as well) so we can share a little time together while in training. He and I share similar passions in life and are very physically active and fit. However since my A I have distanced myself from him as he too has been unfaithful. We head down to our annual training event together for three days in Florida and stay at our company's brand new facility that is adjacent to where we learn. This complex not only has hotel-type rooms, but has a great gym, a pool, a large meeting area, cafeteria dining and of course a bar with a couple of shuffleboard tables and a foosball table. This is where magically all the stars aligned up for me to meet another woman. I was never looking, it just happened.

 

Day one

 

My friend and I arrive in the afternoon and we check-in and decide to come down to check out the facility. There's a slight hum of activity as there's people in several departments mingling throughout the dining area, pool, bar, etc. It is here where my friend and I notice a small group of quite attractive women already at the bar enjoying themselves with drinks. Their ages range from early twenties to mid forties. Mind you, we all work for the same company. As it turns out, they were new to the company and were there for an extended period of time for initial training. As the night went on, my friend and I decide to eat and then grab a beer at the bar where we start playing shuffleboard. It was at that point where we became the attention of these women. They would turn around, smile, and flirt. One in particular (upper forties) was extremely interested in me. I felt awkward, but I also enjoyed this attention. I wasn't getting it at home. We made small talk with these women for some time, but basically tried our best to focus on our game of shuffleboard. What was going to happen? Nothing. I knew that alcohol and fun far away from home could lead down a dark path. We knew the signs. However, for the moment I enjoyed feeling "wanted" and attracted by these women. I was actually shocked by the attention we were getting. They had to know my friend and I were married. We had rings on. What did they think would happen? However, for once it felt good. I missed that. I felt my marriage was crumbling and I had already withdrawn from the relationship. I was actually in the beginning stages of whether I should continue in my marriage.

 

Day Two

 

Nothing happened that night. There was fun flirting, and that was all that was going to happen. I wasn't expecting anything to happen anyway. I went to bed and the following day, class began. After class later that evening, my friend and I went for dinner in the cafeteria and then talked in the lounge area. That is when one of the flirtatious "younger" girls came and talked to me. She was very attractive and was definitely flirting hard. We had a lot in common, especially career-wise. There was extreme attraction; the eye contact, the hair twirling, the smiling. It was all intense. I felt a rush, but I kept it as professional as possible. My heart began to beat hard. The warning signs were there and I felt she wanted to "hook up" with either me or my married friend sooner than later. As the afternoon became night, we found ourselves at the bar again consuming a few drinks and the same routine of shuffleboard commenced yet again. More drinks, more shuffleboard, laughs, and generally a good time. That is when these women seemed to have "picked" who was going to get who. They went from from fun loving girls to predatory females. The older woman who was ogling me the night before came over and small talked her way into a conversation with me. The younger, very attractive one fancied my friend. As the night wore on, I felt more pressure from the older woman to "do something" and I decided that once again I was going to wish everyone a good night, go upstairs and go to sleep alone. Again. That's what I did.

 

The second day of training was the same, but with an earlier startup. We also finished training earlier, and once again my friend and I ate at the cafeteria. After some studying for our final exam that would ensue the next and last day (tomorrow) we ended up back at the bar with a beer and more shuffleboard. Just like the night before, those girls were back. They seemed to really like being with us. Naturally, there were smiles and "nice to see you agains" and my friend and I started playing our shuffleboard game. Then the flirtations heated up again, with plenty of "you guys are so hot" ego boosts and on and on. I felt like a celebrity. I have never in my entire life had this happen to me. Then one of the girls (AP) stepped in and became a partner in the game.

 

Enter the OW

 

Out of nowhere (I never noticed her before) was this younger female who came up and began playing with us. She came right to me. I noticed she was the only one wearing a wedding ring. Coincidentally, it was almost identical to my wife's wedding set. I continued playing, and consuming alcohol. I would look at her ring hand, wondering if it was indeed a wedding ring. It was. She wasn't too flirty, conservatively dressed and had a cautious approach about her. Almost scripted. She seemed safe, totally in control as to what she was doing. Confident. That really captured my attention. We began playing as shuffleboard partners. We made a lot of eye contact - that piercing connection with the eyes that make your heart skip a beat. We would stare at each other. She was attractive, but much younger by at least ten or more years (turned out to be 15 years younger). She had a subtle confidence about her, like an older woman. She drank bourbon. As the night wore on I found myself drawn to her and that began to make me feel anxious. I felt butterflies every time we flirted. We brushed up against each other. Our hands would touch. Alarms were going off in my head "she's married, and I'm married!" But I suppressed them. Slippery slope time. I have never had a married younger woman (or any married woman for that matter) ever flirt with me like this. The more we flirted, the more I kept staring at her ring. What is her motive here? Why is she flirting with me? What is with all these girls? Are they paid actors? Did my wife hire them to see if I would cheat? Is she going to rob me later? The thought crossed my mind many times. She seemed so conservative and not like the rest of the women who had been flirting hard with us for the past two nights. The other girls were showing off more skin with more revealing clothing; my soon to be AP wore a dress and a nice concealing top. I never saw her before, but she was there with this group the whole time I guess. I just didn't notice. She had me hooked. I wanted more. She was so confident, but cautious. I fancied her.

 

By this time it was getting late and my heart was beating furiously. I felt alive, scared, anxious but confident. I think many men have been in this position in a bar. What to do? I continued to reciprocate with her flirts. I should have stopped at this point and gone to bed by myself but I continued being receptive. I was enamored with her. Then we started holding hands. Not good. As people began dispersing and going to bed I decided to do the wrong thing, and the wrong thing was ask her "what do you want to do now?' This is where it became blurry (not from alcohol but from the fog of the rush) and we ended up in her (hotel) room upstairs. The door closed behind us and there we were looking at each other. Just like in the movies, I placed my hand on the back of her neck and pulled her in. We immediately kissed like mad lovers - something you see in the movies when two people tear into each other's face. It was intense. I felt like a teenager. We kissed passionately for minutes and the next thing I remember was clothes were being taken off to the point where I was in my boxers and she was almost completely nude. She became slightly more sexually aggressive with her behavior, and I was becoming uneasy, primarily because she was married and her sexual behavior was far different from the way she acted in public a few minutes ago. She knew what she was doing. We still had our rings on. Two married people almost naked in a hotel room, miles away from our spouses. Makes me sick, but yet I continued. I knew where this was going - straight to sex, and that was going to happen in the next few minutes. She was beautiful; young, tall, thin and completely my type - so I thought.

 

Then I had a moment of conscience. I stopped. I stopped cold in my tracks - stopped the heavy petting, the kissing, the crazy lust-filled actions. My heart was pumping gallons a minute. I pulled back and smiled. I took a deep breath and said to her, "I'm sorry, I cant do this." She smiled, reluctantly agreed, slowly got dressed and then so did I. I gazed at her for a few minutes, kissed her again, smiled and opened the door from her room into the hallway. With the door open, a co-worker walked by and she immediately without missing a beat said, "thanks for finding my pen" or something along those lines. It was a strange thing to say at that precise moment, and the quick-thinking on her part made me feel like she had been in this situation before. Plus, she was married. So many red flags right in the beginning. This is the stuff that plays through my head, over and over again. My heart was racing. I went immediately to my friends room upstairs and sat there on his couch, stunned and in shock. I told him the whole story while he stared at me wide-eyed and stone faced. Then I left, and tried desperately to go to sleep that night before my big test in the morning. I don't think I ever fell asleep. However that first contact with her really set the tone to my future unraveling; how could I be with a woman (who is married) who was willing to sleep with a complete (married) stranger? There is no trust. None.

 

Her Story

 

According to her, she told me during our affair that she noticed my friend and I on day one as we walked in but did her best to ignore us. So did all her female friends/coworkers (those flirtatious girls). She cautioned them to "not talk to those guys because they are hot and married." Those were her exact words. That's why I never saw her until the last day because she stayed away from me. Even though she cautioned her friends, they still came over and flirted with us. It was not until the last day where she came over as the married one to "save her friend" from making a mistake that night with my male friend. Ironically, she was the one who disappeared with me while her friend and my friend went back to their respective rooms alone. Soon after, I found out my male friend had more or less an EA with the other girl for several months. They would meet up on dates and hang out, but according to him, they never once did anything that crossed physical boundaries. All too behind his wife's back. Over the next few months he would ask me how my girl was doing, and I would ask him how his was. Since then I've distanced myself from him as he's not been faithful (had drunken sex with another woman he met at a party). It's truly disgusting. As for my AP - maybe after the alcohol that night she decided to have a revenge affair (her husband was cheating on her, so she said). However we definitely had a strong connection that evening and most likely she simply let her guard down after drinking. She later told me she never expected to hear from me ever again after that night - but I'm the one who pursued her and she played along. She was intrigued with me. She told me it was not like her; that she simply felt safe and comfortable with me when she looked into my eyes for the first time. She was instantly hooked (so she again says). This quite possibly may have happened during other times before I showed up for training. This is the way I felt - she could not be trusted.

 

The next day

 

Maybe I slept, maybe I didn't. Who knows. My mind was racing, but I had to focus on my test. I took the test and was done by 3PM. Who was this young woman? I guessed her age range to be from 24-28. She was 27. Why did I feel such an attraction to her? I didn't even know her full name. I knew nothing about her - except that she was cute, young, married and into ME. I had to find out. That came quickly as I was walking to catch the company bus to the airport I coincidentally ran into one of the girls who liked my male friend from the group (and coincidentally her new best friend). I had a feeling she knew what had happened with us last night. She smiled and I told her I was glad I ran into her. I then asked if I could have that woman's phone number. She gave it to me, and I quickly sent her a text. I don't recall what I wrote, but it was something about, "I enjoyed our time last night, and I apologize for my actions. Can I see you?" She eventually responded and said she felt so embarrassed and awful for what she did and drove home to her house which was actually nearby in the suburbs of Orlando. She wasn't really staying at the hotel. Hmm... I later found out her husband was away out of town for a month. She felt bad; at least that was the impression she sold me. Maybe it was the alcohol and she went a little too far.

 

The A begins

 

I went home and my mind was racing. My wife and kids greeted me at the door and I felt sick over my actions, but I would not tell a soul, for now. My head was spinning. I immediately wanted to see this young woman again. Something was pulling me to her, and sadly it was my groin. It was my lack of sex in my marriage. I contacted this other woman again via text. I told her I was coming back to Orlando in a week for business (coincidentally I was) and was wondering if she wanted to go out for lunch, and/or coffee. Basically, I was looking to continue where we left off a week ago. A week went by and I found myself right back in Orlando. She picked me up at my hotel in her car and we decided to go out to lunch. She wore her wedding ring, and so did I. After lunch, we went to a Starbucks next to my hotel, talked, and eventually ended up back in the parking lot of the hotel. As we sat there with the engine off, I turned to her and asked if she wanted to come up. "No pressure" is what I said. I told her if she didn't feel comfortable, that's fine and it was nice seeing her again. She decided to come up. The door closed in my room and we immediately embraced and madly kissed like never before. We left off right where we were a week prior. This time we became sexually intimate with full intercourse. Next week, I found myself right back in Orlando on business, and once again, more lunch, coffee and sex. This became common for us until her training was complete in Orlando and she was transferred to Boston about a month later.

 

Now into spring, our secret relationship flourished via text. We texted every day, sometimes hundreds of exchanges. I was always cautious on my side, changing her name in my phone to a male name, but also wondering if her husband would see our texts. Apparently, he was still out of town. During this time she told me her marriage of two years was over and she wasn't in love with her husband anymore. I gathered from her story about him that he was a narcissist, gaslighting her while sleeping with several of his co-workers. Sounded like a complete sociopathic jerk. He too does exactly what I do for a living and is about my age! He has a 14-year old daughter from a previous marriage. I felt sorry for her. She also said she checked-out of the relationship a while ago. Furthermore, she also told me one of her best friends died of cancer recently and she was mourning the loss of her. Double whammy. She was in a bad place. I was sympathetic. I made her happy and truly listened to her problems. I helped her escape with sex and intimacy while I was feeding my ego. She in turn helped me escape my marriage and gave up her body with no reservation. Anytime I wanted it, anything I wanted, I was hers. She told me that repeatedly. It's like she was my slave. We carried on in sexual bliss.

 

I was able to travel to Boston for work, so I would go visit her there as much as I could. More hotel sex, more crazy kissing, snuggling, ogling over each other. Lots of coffees, walks in Boston Common, the North End, holding hands, etc. I also paid for mostly everything. We had chemistry and I enjoyed this beautiful and young woman by my side. She also spoke my love language; she was attached to me like glue, always had her hand in my back pocket, kisses at red light intersections, just super attraction. I gave her what she needed as well. I made her feel amazing. She was super attracted to me. She always complimented me on my body and she would just gaze at my arms while we made love. I noticed that. She got a high off of that, like she couldn't believe I was making love to her. All superficial. She was having sex with her "hot guy". In retrospect, my wife was mentally not built like her. Our relationship was never built on superficiality; it was built on friendship and that's why it has lasted so long - and was successful.

 

Then my AP and I began exchanging our work schedules and matching days off to when we could see each other. We traveled, all behind our spouses' backs. She and I would meet on business pretty much anywhere we could find the time - in a dozen cities around the country. We would live life to its fullest while in those cities; eating local, long walks and amazing sex. Then I soon began to really fall head-over-heels crazy in love with her. Within a few months I told her I loved her. I commonly told her that I adored her. I did. I began to buy her gifts; an expensive watch in Manhattan, clothes from her favorite retailer, lingerie, etc. We had amazing lunches and dinners. The sex was incredible. We were living a dream. A fantasy. She was my young twenty-something girl, and my sweet wife at home had absolutely no idea. Awful.

 

I am not good at compartmentalizing in my brain so my relationship at home got worse while my affair flourished. Some people can live a double life but I cannot. My secret affair continued on and on through the spring, summer and fall of 2016. May through early September were salad days. I would wake up to a text every single morning at home from her, always beginning with, "good morning handsome man" or "good morning amazing man". We would write each other long notes about how we loved each other and how amazing we made each other feel. I would share my life at home with her by sending her pictures of myself with my children. She let me know I was an amazing father. What "amazing father" would cheat on his children's mother? I felt guilty. She said I was the most amazing man she had ever met; handsome, smart, athletic, simply a great catch. We texted how we were soulmates, etc. One time while making love, I cried (tears) and asked her if she would marry me if I asked her. Her eyes teared up, nodded and said "yes!" We embraced in tears for what seemed an hour. Pathetic.

 

Our A Becomes One-Sided

 

By summer, her husband filed for divorce and our relationship suddenly became one-sided. She became separated and was no longer a married woman having an affair with a married man. Technically she was still married but she became a mistress and that really bothered her. In such a short period of time she became not only a BS, but also a WW and concluded as my AP. It really bothered me too because I could actually see myself leaving my family for this now approaching "single" woman. There was also a shift in behavior. Her rings naturally disappeared. Out of respect, I took mine off too every time I was in her presence. She began to party more. I found myself meeting up with her at bars in Boston instead of meeting her in the lobby or waiting for a knock at my hotel door.

 

Warning Signs you ignore while in the Affair Fog

 

As much as a beautiful person I painted her to be, there were signs that I ignored while the affair fog thickened. That is just natural. It's part of the experience. I placed her high on a pedestal and I ignored everything else. It is not until after it all ends do you see the flaws in the other person. The most apparent thing I noticed was that she was an incredible flirt. One case in particular was early in our relationship when she told me her female boss did not like her because she thought she got together with her boyfriend. Made me think...

 

Second case was a time I met her yet at another hotel bar in New York City. I came right down to meet her but as I entered the bar, I unexpectedly ran into a co-worker I hadn't seen in a while. He invited me to sit with him for a drink and I gave in, all while seeing my AP just a few seats down near the end of the bar. She saw me too, and I gave her the "ugh" look. So we played incognito for about fifteen minutes. As I talked to my co-worker, I noticed a man about my age a seat or two down carry on his conversation with her like they had been talking a while before I showed up. It was flirty talk, as my radar had been up listening in on their conversation. She was trying to "dull it down" at that point since I was within earshot and I think she became embarrassed and edgy. I felt uneasy, but let it slide. More thoughts feeding into my bank.

 

Third case was during one of our rendezvous at a bar in Boston. I walked in and wasn't able to find her. I had my phone out and was texting her, but she would take a while to answer. Eventually I found her talking to a young college boy. They were laughing, and they both had drinks. They were close. She looked good and had on quite a bit of makeup. She eventually saw me, came right over to me and left that guy who seemed pretty disappointed. It was at that moment where I had an issue with her and trust, knowing full well that she "hooked up" with me after knowing me for less than two hours, willing to get completely naked with a married stranger while still wearing her wedding ring. Didn't make me feel good. In September, she suddenly left for Paris (alone) for a week out of the blue. Didn't hear much from her. I was beside myself and had such huge fits of jealousy. My mind started to race. Why would a single girl suddenly travel to Paris alone for a week? Was she alone? What was becoming of me? I was jealous of my mistress, and that in itself is hypocritical to the hundredth degree. When she returned from Paris she said she missed me so much and she just couldn't be away from me any more. I began to wonder if she was lying. I responded to her via text, writing, "I hope you fell in love while you were over there." She said "Naw". I became angry.

 

I continued with my jealous behavior and fired out a few long texts across the bow accusing her of being with other men. She became very upset and hurt that I would send such texts. I would always apologize. There were many other times where I questioned her "mistress" commitment to me. She had a work trip to Nassau Bahamas and said her co-worker saw her at the pool, took off his wedding ring and told her "she looked great in a bikini." What happened after that was unclear. Another time she showed me a letter from yet another co worker who fancied her and invited her to lunch. I was beginning to have extreme jealousy and this was the impetus to my unraveling. I was becoming very insecure. Sad, really. What a sad, pathetic man I was becoming. I began to think if she slept with another man I would be absolutely devastated. However if my wife admitted to sleeping with another man I wouldn't have cared. I was checked out of my marriage and obsessed with my AP.

 

By October I was becoming a nervous wreck. I began to wonder if I should tell my wife about my A. I kept that in the back of my head as I wrestled with that idea. I talked to my older brother about what I was involved in. I needed help figuring out what to do. At one point in the conversation I asked him for advice. He said, "do the right thing." I asked him what the "right thing" was, and he only responded with, "only you can figure that out."

 

Affair-down

 

Throughout our affair, my AP would tell me how I made her feel amazing, and that I accepted her for who she was. Who was she? Looking back during the thick of my fog, I thought she was referring to the fact that possibly her now separated husband made her feel worthless, and I always gave her praise. Maybe so, but I'm not certain. I told her she was beautiful, kind, generous, amazing, etc. However, now that I'm out of that relationship, I believe she had very low self esteem, and rightfully so. She would occasionally say, "I'm just a dumb (so and so) but I would always say that simply was not true. I can completely understand. She at times would be clingy, then say to me she didn't want to come off as a "clinger". She commonly put herself down, and that made me feel sad. Furthermore, the one-sided relationship was beginning to take its toll on her because she would write to me stating she didn't like waiting in the shadows, usually in stairwells in hotels so she would remain unnoticed by my co-workers. She told me she never had a boyfriend in High School and that boys were not interested in her. Out of curiosity, I asked her to show me pictures of her from that time. She looked great. Then I began to believe that she must be totally crazy. She also said she lost her virginity at 21 and she had only been with three men; two serious boyfriends and then her husband who quickly divorced her after two years. I almost sent him an anonymous message asking why he had decided to divorce this woman.

 

Internet searches

 

By early fall I was beginning to conduct searches on the internet since I was having a difficult time deciding whether to fix my crumbling marriage or be with my AP. Things were getting pretty awful at home. I became extremely withdrawn. For the next few months from October up until Christmas I was emotionally vacant toward my family. I was only focusing on my AP and our texting increased. I couldn't live without my phone. It was always in my hand. I would send her a text and if she didn't respond within a few minutes I would become extremely anxious. When she responded, I would feel a chemical release in my body and would settle down. The affair addiction is powerful. When my wife expressed concern about my increased phone usage, I would fire back in angry protest. She knew I had become someone else. It was all becoming a drug, and I was an addict. As my relationship with my family fell off a cliff, I began to to conduct internet searches to guide me with my "decision aid" in this whole affair addiction. What was I going to do? Leave my wife and family for this woman?

 

Popular Google searches I made were:

* Leaving wife for affair partner.

* Can I marry my AP?

* Statistics of a successful marriage with AP

 

From these searches stemmed a whole wealth of information, from forums to personal experiences and everything in between. I then reached out to some of my co-workers for help. A few were surprised, some were once in affairs too, and one woman was currently an AP to a man for over three years! I had no idea. While on the road I would spend hours on the internet searching for answers. It didn't help me at all. I was beginning to only pay attention to posts where a life with the AP was the best option.

 

My children's behavior changed

 

The worst part of the whole A was a noticeable change in my children's behavior. My oldest (son) who is 8 became very argumentative, angry, stressed, impatient and withdrawn. He became a mess. His grades began to drop in school and my wife and I were invited in to see his teacher. We had him tested for all sorts of learning disabilities, including autism, aspbergers and sensory processing disorder (SPD). Not until later did I realize that I was becoming an awful father. I would not even pay attention to my own children, and when I did I was short and often very angry and impatient with them. Children are extremely receptive to these sorts of things. They pick up on the tension between their parents, the phone addiction, the anger, all of it. My daughter (5) also began to mimic our son's behavior. The household I created at home with my life was imploding. It was disintegrating at an alarming rate and by early December I began to make arrangements to leave my wife and children to be with my AP. I had made my decision, but my wife was still unaware I was seeing another woman.

 

During most of December I began researching attorneys and reviewing how to divorce my wife. I wanted to make it clean and simple; leave her the house so my children and soon-to-be ex-wife could still have a home and I would bail out and move into an apartment. I also became very vocal about this with my AP. I told her I could take a promotion and move straight to Boston. Easy. However she said I needed to be close to my children and that she would move to wherever I was. Wow. I was feeling like I made the right decision. To justify my behavior, I told my AP that I was not "in love" with my wife anymore. I loved her more like a sister, but I was totally "in love" with my AP. This is common in affairs because I had a mature relationship with my wife. The AP relationship I was in was in the Stage 1 infatuation stage. She was hooked and wanted more than anything to be with me. I wanted to be with her. I began searching apartments in Los Angels, the Bay Area, Boston and in the Miami FL area. I could make a clean break and go live my fantasy. My AP and I would ride happily off in the sunset and travel the world together, continuing our romantic and highly sexual and emotional affair without looking back. My poor family would have been ruined.

 

Divorce, Inc.

 

As I researched divorce in my state, I became more and more disgruntled to the fact that I would lose everything in the divorce, sucked clean by attorneys and the courts but at the moment I was okay with that. Everything I worked for with my wife would go up in smoke. My assets would disintegrate. My children would no doubt suffer. My son was already a wreck and this divorce would devastate him as well as our daughter. I began to wrestle with that thought. I thought about my wife. I envisioned her crying in a heap while my poor children begged her to make dinner while I was probably having sex with my AP in another city. I thought about our neighbors, our circle of friends. It was not going to be pretty. I began to feel like a piece of crap.

 

DDay

 

By the Holidays I was going insane. Every day that went by in December was darker than the next. Then I began to back out of leaving my wife and children. I was extremely conflicted; just couldn't decide on what to do. I felt I had to stay in the marriage for my children, but I also felt the desire to be with my AP. I couldn't keep the lie any more as it was noticeably eating me up inside. I began to have panic attacks. I couldn't sleep. I began crying after returning from work trips the closer I got to home. I would commonly sit in a parking lot about a mile away from my house and just cry my eyes out. I was falling apart, totally self destructing. I would call my AP and talk to her about how sad I was. She was always comforting. She said to go home and love my children. I tried. The guilt was consuming me. Then one day just before Christmas I sat in the kitchen crying. I was noticeably shaking and my wife knew something was very wrong. She had continuously seen me deteriorate at home to this angry, stressed mess of a man. I was not the same person I was nine months ago. I cried, looked at her and said, "I'm not happy." She asked me straight out if I was having an affair and I said no. I couldn't tell her yet. I felt I had to wait until after Christmas. I was fighting with my mind that this was going to be my last Christmas with my family. I wanted to make sure the children had that last Christmas together with me. Pathetic.

 

Then I had decided perhaps the best thing to do was move out of the house but file for separation. Go live in LA for a while with friends and figure things out. I also came to the realization that there was no way I could leave my wife for my AP because the chances of success were very low. I had to become single again, get my act together alone and slowly date my AP after I healed on my own. I would send my AP messages because I was conflicted. Then to my amazement, she responded with a text that read, "Ya'll need to figure out your **** and move on." That text came out of nowhere and seemed not like her at all. From that single text I had a moment of clarity that maybe I didn't know my AP all that well. That one single text cut the fog like a somewhat sharp knife (maybe a butter knife) and made me realize perhaps she had another agenda for me.

 

Christmas came and went, and it was nice to be home with family watching my children open presents. A couple days' later it was again the same routine. I cried in the kitchen, noticeably shaking and said to my wife, "I'm going to move out for a while." She became extremely upset and pulled me into our bedroom and closed the door. Our children were in the living room watching TV. She looked me straight in the eye, mad as hell and said, "ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?" At first I said no. Then I thought for a moment and decided I needed to tell her to end this misery that I had created and knew this was the end of my marriage. I sobbed and said "yes." She went ballistic. She began hitting me, yelling and cussing. She called me every name in the book while punching me as hard as she could. I just took it. I crawled up in the fetal position on the bed, sobbing while she beat the living crap out of me. I let her beat me up. I deserved it. I became numb, but it was a huge relief of stress. The affair was out. I was also hoping that this discovery would have made up her mind to kick me out of the house for good. I was too much of a coward to decide. She was now going to make that decision for me. However, that's not the decision she made. What happened next can only be described as amazing.

 

After things settled down that evening, we began to talk. We talked about everything, and we talked for hours. After our children went to sleep, we sat on the couch and I told her everything she wanted to know. I answered all her questions; who my AP is, how I met her, and sadly how long it had been going on. At that point my affair just passed into ten months. That is what really hurt my wife, the time I had lived a double life behind her back. By the late evening we were completely exhausted. We lay in bed, I was holding her for the first time in months, just cuddling her while she sobbed, hyperventilated, dry heaved, ran to the bathroom to throw up, return, cry, yell at me, cry and again whimper. It was so awful. I was such a jerk. I had ruined her. My children slept peacefully in the other room. At this point I was still planning on leaving my wife and children to be with the AP, and I was devastated that my marriage was probably over but relieved that the secret was out. It was a huge stress release but my chest was filled with anxiety. The next morning I texted my AP that I had told my wife. She really didn't seem to care all that much. More like, "how'd it go baby?" I became slightly angry at her lack of empathy.

 

Self Discovery - Narcissism? Sociopath?

 

Unfortunately I had to travel again for work right after New Years and had to leave my wife who was in tremendous pain with our children. She was incapable of taking care of herself. She would fall asleep crying at 9PM after the children went to sleep and would wake at 2AM with a racing mind. She would sob. She would throw up. She would look at my AP's photos on FB. I also felt so awful about the whole experience that I decided to take a breather and go NC with my AP for a while. It only lasted three days. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I wanted to talk to her so bad and to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It was during this time where I sought the internet for answers about myself, and one of the places I landed was on narcissism. Not just narcissism, but shy, covert narcissism. During my affair I was self absorbed with myself and my experiences and pictures on FB. I became extremely vain online and would commonly gaslight my wife. Am I a narcissist? I brought this up with my IC and after observation he asked me, "do narcissists have empathy?" I certainly had empathy for my poor wife, but in a way I think I am.

 

Addiction

 

I thought about things for a day or two and my wife and I decided that I should get off all social media. I deleted my FB account, and stopped reading certain online forums related to my job. I stopped taking pictures with my phone. I simply put my phone down and out from my reach. I would noticeably shake. I needed the phone. It was the most powerful instrument in my A. I began to get help. I bought the books NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass, and LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by James Dobson. Surprisingly, my betrayed wife gave me the book THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES. I have read them all, especially paying attention to NOT JUST FRIENDS as it helped me figure out what I wanted to do regarding my affair. I read that book in two days. I searched for a marriage counselor at home and made an appointment with him. I didn't care how much it cost. Then while I was away for a few days in January and on the road to self discovery, my wife called me and was uncontrollably sobbing. She was a wreck. I thought she was suicidal and I almost hung up the phone to call a neighbor who could go over to make sure she was okay. I worried about my children. It was at that point where I reached out to my AP again (after 3 days of NC) and told her my wife was "devastated" by our actions. Then my wife would call. Then my AP would call. This went back and forth for an evening - one minute I was talking to my sobbing wife, the next minute with my AP. I was beginning to have a mental breakdown. Then while traveling home, my flights became delayed and I found myself stuck in the airport without being able to sleep. The calls/texts continued between my AP and wife. I was so fatigued, exhausted, ashamed, depressed, and remorseful. I wish I had never met this woman back in February. I hit rock bottom on about January 8. I could not go any lower. I was cracking up.

 

Then the strangest thing happened. Of all the days, it happened on THAT day - the attractive woman I didn't trust who I dated briefly (remember her?) while I casually broke up with my wife back in 2005 SENT ME A MESSAGE on LinkedIn. Completely out of the blue. I hadn't heard anything from her in twelve years since I broke up with her. She wrote, " OMG! I can't believe I found you on LinkedIn!" (I didn't delete that account and have been on LinkedIn for years). "How are you?" I was beside myself, and to this day I take it as some sort of "sign". I wrote back. "I am doing well. Married, 2 kids, still living in (city) working (company), etc. etc. She wrote back, "Me too! Married, 2 kids," etc. We then went into a little dialogue about where she now lives, etc. Then I thought for a minute... She's either not happy with her marriage and she's fishing, or maybe a friend alerted her that I was not on FB anymore and she was sent in as the scout to investigate. I was never friends with her on FB. I immediately told my wife about this exchange and showed her the dialogue. She smiled and said "thank you for being honest." That was a memorable moment because she knew I began seeing that girl shortly after we broke up in 2005. I was shocked as to why she reached out to me ON THAT DAY of all the days in twelve years. I decided to send her one more message. I fired back, "everything okay?" - (not because I was interested in anything with this woman, but more just to see if she was indeed fishing). Naturally, I would probably never know unless I initially responded with "I am separating from my wife." That may have opened a whole new can of worms. Maybe not. I will never know. I just wanted to have an "aha" moment - So that's why you contacted me! But I would never find out because she never responded. Strange.

 

The decision to be with my family

 

Then I suddenly snapped back. My wife began fighting for our marriage, and so did I. I realized that I was never going to recover if I left her. I would lose the house, my children, my amazing wife, practically everything. Furthermore, did I want a judge to arrange a time to see my own children? Absolutely not. I needed to be there for them. I did not want to go through a messy divorce. Furthermore, I realized the problem in this whole mess was me. It was my insecurity and fragile ego, stemmed from not "feeling" wanted, feeling taken for granted and generally not "feeling" loved. I communicated with my W about my insecurities, how I felt taken advantage of - how I didn't feel loved and that I sadly found someone who gave me what I needed - affection, love, sadly sex and so on. I began to retrain my thoughts to channel all my energy away from my AP and into my wife, as this became the "right thing" to do. It was to fix my marriage. It was to give it another try to see if I could salvage it. If we worked hard and ended up not reconciliating, then at least we gave it our best shot and we would have piece of mind. I am also in IC.

 

The Attempts to End the A

 

Why did I not leave my W for my AP? Part of it came down to trust. Could I trust my AP? Absolutely not. Could I have trusted myself with her? Probably not. I just couldn't leave for a woman who betrayed her husband with another married man (me). It was toxic. However I was still addicted and having trouble going NC. I texted her again behind my BS back. I told her I wanted to see her and go have tea, that we just needed to sit down and talk in Boston. That's all I really wanted to do was talk. She reluctantly responded "okay". She also asked if I was ending our relationship and if so, she needed to prepare for that. I wanted to see her right away when I landed in Boston and I was working hard thinking about not getting involved but just talking through all our current problems. We met in my hotel room. I cried for most of the time on her shoulder and she comforted me. Then we began kissing, but cautiously. She looked at me and said, "don't do anything you will regret." Me regret? What about her? Didn't she have any regrets? Maybe she liked getting all this attention and gifts from an older, well-off man. Then we eventually made love. So disgusted with myself for doing that. It didn't feel good either. After our lovemaking I told her to "leave me" and she said she couldn't do that. It was to be my decision. Through tears I said "I cannot decide". We embraced more, kisses, made love and I left.

 

A few days passed and I was back in Boston but she was on the other side of the country this time. Her flight arrangements back to Boston changed and she found herself stuck in The Bay Area for a few days so she and a friend rented a car and stayed out there. I texted her an emotional letter begging her what she wanted. Her response was "to be loved, respected, cared for", etc. She was also at a bar, drinking. Somehow we ended up text fighting and there was no more conversation after that for about 15 hours. The next afternoon in Boston I sent her a text apologizing. She said she couldn't talk at the moment as she was driving through my town. What? I panicked. What was she doing in my town where I live? She has no ties or any engagements to this area whatsoever. Did she drive by my house? So incredibly bizarre on so many levels. I later told my wife this story and she said, "there's no doubt she drove past our home." Looking back that really concerns me. Who was I dealing with? At that point I was pretty much disgusted with her, but sadly addicted to her as well. I didn't know who she was or what her intentions were.

 

A week or so later I met her one last time in Florida and that was the end of it.. I was with a co-worker/friend at the time and I lied to him when he wanted to go out that evening for dinner. I went out with my AP instead. Guess who ran into my AP and I later that evening? He did. You could see the anger on his face. He was furious with me and her, she read our faces and ran back to her room and I ended up talking to my friend (who knew about my A for two months) for about thirty minutes. Then I went to her room and broke down. The lies were becoming unbearable. We tried to make it work but at that point we were simply too exhausted and emotionally devastated by our roller coaster relationship. We ended up crying in each other's arms for a while in bed. I once again begged her again to break up with me but she couldn't do it. I asked her if there were any men in Boston she wanted to date. I wanted her out of my life and to find a single man. She said she didn't like Boston men. She wanted me. She just wanted me to make a decision. So I did. My decision was to simply walk away and go NC - leave her hotel room and never see her, kiss her or hold her ever again. That was it. Goodbye. It's like a piece of me died that evening. It was awful, so painfully awful but that's exactly what I did. I left her room crying and that was it. We were both devastated beyond words. The following day she wrote me a letter explaining how she loved me, had never loved another human like this and how she wanted me in her life - and if I was the man who was willing to do that with her. She wrote that she could work around this problem. I responded with a heartfelt letter explaining that our love could not flourish; that our relationship was built upon a shaky foundation of lies. It was too toxic. I wrote with a heavy heart that I decided to stay with my family and R with my BW. It was truly my last contact with her. The pain was excruciating.

 

Post Affair

 

With NC for over two months I have good days and bad days. Mostly good as of this week. She's still in my head daily. I have triggers, mainly after a drink or when I see other women in her capacity at my job. Hotels we frequented make me angry. Hotels in general make me angry. Idle time can be devastating. Boston makes me angry. I am disgusted with the whole thing. I am disgusted with myself and her. I currently don't like females, except for my wife, my daughter and my mother. I made the awful mistake of contacting a friend of hers, just figuring out who she really is. Bad idea. Then I started talking to other people I know who have been in similar situations, including some men that know my AP. They have all said, "it is what it is in this industry. Stuff like this happens all the time, you'd be surprised." That made me even more angry. It is absolutely disgusting. Now I just have to let it go. I pray that I never see her again. I secretly hope she either quits or gets fired. This has been the most awful experience of my life. I am sad for my wife and my children. I wish I could go back in time and never see her that night in Orlando.

 

Writing this long story has helped me tremendously. Reading forums have helped me because I am not alone. The person I was last year is not who I am. I can't believe I was that monster. It has torn me down in so many ways, peeled me back like an onion, chopped me up with a knife and thrown into the frying pan. All I can do now is love my wife and my family. Be faithful and true to them forever. My family deserves that, and I want nothing more. I long for my wife's companionship when I am on the road. It's been several weeks since I stopped crying but proofreading this long story has made me tear up again. This long story facilitates my closure to my A.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Thank you for posting this, I think this story will help others as well, it's a great look into an A, what happened, what was broken and how you feel today. I wish you the best of luck in your healing/recovery. I'm a BH, so I have to ask, you seem to indicate things are better with your W; but I have to think this has had more of an impact on her than perhaps she's letting on. This was a long an involved A, I doubt that is going to be "fixed" in so short a time; my wife's A ended about 5 months ago, I'm still totally consumed with thoughts of it and trying to move forward.

 

A few observations from your story. First off, this story reads like a textbook for how the men I know find themselves in their first A. Notice I said FIRST. Most of the men I know who travel like you do (and I do) have had lots of A's, and most of them (after the first) don't sound anything like this anymore, it's a sexual thing for them, something to "blow off steam" and relax after a day in the office. Don't become that man. You mention in here that you know of some A's already in your circle, something tells me that the ones you know about are the tip of the iceberg; if that group finds out your "one of them", you'll quickly find yourself in a situation where people are willing to cosign A's for you. I've pared my real male friends down to almost 0 over the years, primarily because so many of them have had, are having, and will encourage me to have an A. Sadly, and I know this is my view on things and others disagree, I've come to think that friendships of any kind are really somewhat toxic to your primary relationship; I keep my friendships superficial now for exactly that reason.

 

Your AP sounds like a very broken person to me, but does not sound like a socio/narc. My wife's AP was far worse, targeting her directly because of a work relationship; disregarding the fact that my W and I were friends with his whole family (now blown up, obviously). Feeding my wife lines that were straight out of a pick up manual. My W was his 3rd A. That's the behavior of a narc, not what you're describing for your AP; I suspect your AP has very low self esteem, and I suspect you may as well, the ego boost you got from one another is what made it so addicting.

 

On to the next point, you know this already, but breaking NC is a terrible thing to do. Even if nothing ever happens again, breaking NC is like a knife in your wife's already bleeding heart; if you want to save your relationship with her, go NC and really mean it. The one saving grace in my A story is that my W dropped her AP like a bad habit after d-day, it's given us a huge leg up to try to rebuild. I suggest, if you're really having trouble, that you suggest to your wife she help you by coming here and asking us (or have her PM me directly) how to install and use electronic surveillance. I work in IT, and my wife knows that I have "some" electronic means to monitor her; it's much easier to stay NC when you know, if you send one single TXT message/FB chat or even type her name into your computer that you'll be having a discussion that night (or even that hour) about what you did. Become an open book, and help her open that book, it has helped me immensely; I hate doing it, but I love the security that it gives me to know that the communications with the AP are over.

 

You mention in your post that your love language is words of affirmation. That also happens to be my wife's LL, and, let me tell you, that does send up a red flag for me as far as A's are concerned. What you (and others who share that LL) need to realize is that for some people (like me, and perhaps your AP), words of affirmation mean nothing. It's so easy for me to tell you how wonderful you make me feel, how amazing you are, how beautiful you are, etc; because the words for me, honestly, hold no weight at all. Words are cheap, actions are what matter. Her actions that raised red flag are FAR more real for many people than her professions of love, especially given the other behavior that she exhibited (nearly sleeping with you on the first meeting, etc). Her words said "3 other guys" her actions said "I do this most nights I'm out of town". Believe the latter, not the former. I really do suspect that you were simply one of many in her line of exit affairs; she may have had very real feelings for you, but not anywhere near the level of the feelings she professed to you in words.

 

Keep posting, you'll get great advice and help here. You'll also get some not so helpful stuff, try to take what helps and leave what doesn't. I wish you the best of luck, make sure you've read the sticky post about what every betrayed partner wishes their betrayer knew, that's extraordinarily helpful; it's pretty much, word for word, what I wanted/needed from my W after discovery of her A.

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somanymistakes

I am disgusted with the whole thing. I am disgusted with myself and her. I currently don't like females, except for my wife, my daughter and my mother.

Are you seeking IC?

 

There's a lot of pain in your story, but also a common thread of having difficulties with the way you think about people, and expressing your needs/emotions in unhealthy ways.

 

While all this is still fresh for you, a revulsion towards women (especially young, pretty ones) may feel like a helpful defense mechanism warning you away from falling into an affair again. But is it actually working? Your story says that you were disgusted/repulsed by her in particular LONG before you broke up with her, and that in fact you still feel that mix of longing and hatred. It's understandable, given what happened, but it's not healthy in the long run... tightly binding those two feelings together can poison your soul and make it impossible for you to express genuine love for anyone.

 

She sounds like a kind-of-messed-up person who loves attention and sex and the spark of excitement. Not so different from you. Coming to peace with the fact that you both messed up, that you were both homewreckers and wayward spouses and everything else, may be an important part of taking responsibility for your actions. If you push it all onto "women", not only do you risk poisoning your relationship with your wife and family, but you avoid the responsibility for your part in things.

 

It seems that you like to try and push the former women in your life into easy demon roles, wanting to believe that they are sociopaths and narcissists. This is very dangerous as it makes it hard for you to evaluate people in the future. (Well, hopefully you won't need to do that with any future dating options because you will be with your wife and not NEED to evaluate future options but...) If you mentally classify people from your past as irredeemable monsters, you blind yourself to warning signs in new people you meet, because of course this new person you met is not a Complete Monster! But while people generally aren't complete monsters, they aren't completely perfect either. If you have trouble recognising that people aren't either all good or all bad, it will be difficult for you to recognise and cope with their actual flaws, and to recognise when someone who is not a complete monster is still someone you should avoid.

 

(Curiously, I'm not sure what use 'Not Just Friends' was in this situation, since this woman was never your friend, she was someone you had a spark with and pursued purely on superficial grounds. This was not a friendship deepening into love, this was two people both starved for sexual excitement.)

 

I wish you luck finding happiness within yourself. If you can find that, you will be able to offer a better husband to your wife.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Here it is. My A is excruciating detail. I apologize, but the event makes you question everything in your life. {SNIP} .

 

I admire your writing, but even through a of that, you still don't understand what you have done. Mind you, at least you are trying. Some ws never do, and I did want to mention that.

 

You have broken part of your wife that she will likely never get back. She has been the epitome of"for better or worse", and not only did you break her heart and she still stayed, she stayed while you sorted through your crap.

 

You are one damned lucky man.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T
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There is no quick solution to your situation. It's going to take a long time, but that's okay. As the saying goes, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

One of the best ways you can help your wife now is by being there for her if and when she needs to talk. Encourage her to do this, but don't force her. If she finds it easier, ask her to write down her feelings, questions she has for you, comments, or anything else. Some couples will keep a notebook for this, which they both check each day to see if there are any messages from their spouse. If there is, they talk about it.

 

I would also suggest that you look at the situation from your wife's perspective. You mentioned she is somewhat introverted and laid back. I can't speak for her, but being an extreme introvert myself, it takes me a long time to open up and trust someone. Your wife may be like that, which can make the betrayal even more difficult. She chose to let you in, and you betrayed that trust, kicking her in the teeth. It is going to take a long time to rebuild that.

 

Your wife is likely going through a lot emotionally, and while she may well be trying to talk about it, some of it may be very difficult to put into words. You can help her with this by just sitting with her and letting her work through it when she needs to and at her own pace. If you are ever wondering what to say when she talks, sometimes the its best to use very few words. Just hold her and tell her how sorry you are.

 

I can't promise you that your marriage can survive this, but there is a good chance it can. You both need patience, kindness and grace. You ( specifically you) need to explore why you were so susceptible to mistaking physical attraction for love ( this was going on long before you met your wife).

 

I've often heard that is a married couple reconciles after an A, and if they are both willing to put the hard work in, it can be a wonderful thing that lasts a lifetime. Unfortunately, it's still the early days for you, and your marriage is wounded. Triage the situation from your wife's point of view, and address the most serious wounds first. These are the ones caused by your A. Work through that, and you can then begin to sort through the parts of your marriage that needed a tune up. If you love your wife enough, if you are willing to face your choices head on and not excuse them or blame anyone else for your actions, and if you are willing to face some truths that may be very painful, your marriage can rise from this and you and your wife can be closer than before.

 

Right now, a huge portion of that depends on you.

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Thank you for sharing. I hear so many similarities in you and my husband and his affair.

 

Ate you physically attracted to your wife now? You stated in the beginning of your story that you weren't and I'm wondering how you overcame that and if you still struggle with it.

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I admire your writing, but even through a of that, you still don't understand what you have done. Mind you, at least you are trying. Some ws never do, and I did want to mention that.

 

You have broken part of your wife that she will likely never get back. She has been the epitome of"for better or worse", and not only did you break her heart and she still stayed, she stayed while you sorted through your crap.

 

You are one damned lucky man.

 

^^^This. Most wouldn't.

 

If she has given you a chance to be the man she wants, be that man. If she didn't leave you then, there is no reason she would , if you became what she wants.

 

Words of affirmation are just words. It's easy to get carried away and sit on a pedestal with false praise.

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Well written but thick on drama.

 

The synopsis of your story is quite basic. Your working environment is thick with infidelity and it appears you were ok with your married co-workers getting something on the side. You probably never mentioned to your wife the cheating that goes on your "business trips". Perhaps not being truthful to your wife about the things going on at your work would put a damper on work trips and your fun.

 

Mid life crisis, older man younger away from home on business. Hook-ups the norm. Meets a willing Married other woman on business trip and..... yawn....nothing unique rather run of the mill basic cheating.

 

Also typical is not giving a crap about the kids....too busy living a fantasy.

Why would your feelings for your wife justify losing connection for your children?

Did hearing from the Ow tell you what a great father father you were make it so in reality?

 

Of course there's the justification that the wife only see's you as a pay check and doesn't appreciate how hard you work...excluding the little mini work vacations at hotels and bars and shuffle board games....out of town work conferences are so exhausting...lol.

 

True to form you've labeled the OW as the demon, but perhaps she's the mirror image of yourself.

 

Also typical is you are acting as if you're a martyr by trying to reconcile with your wife. Even after you confessed you continued your affair, and still seem obsessed and addicted to a woman you really don't know or trust.

 

You're definitely attracted to women who are equally shallow as yourself. You married your wife because she's the only woman you trusted.

 

Looks like you have the Madonna Whore Complex Issue.

 

You barely out of the affair mindset and it's early days on the long road ahead of you.

 

 

Please don't drag your wife to Marriage Counselling and get IC counselling separately.

Edited by Furious
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^^^This. Most wouldn't.

 

If she has given you a chance to be the man she wants, be that man. If she didn't leave you then, there is no reason she would , if you became what she wants.

 

Words of affirmation are just words. It's easy to get carried away and sit on a pedestal with false praise.

 

Bolded. I realize it's a love language for a lot people, especially, IMHO, women. Just like physical touch (sex) is a love language for a lot of people, especially men. But, ladies, let me tell you, from personal experience, those words are JUST WORDS in many cases. I won't relate this to my wife's A (but that was exactly the situation there) but my own personal experience, I said all kinds of things to have sex with women before I was married. And I always came away from it thinking "how could she believe that". But believe it they did; thing is the words were fake (I'd argue in MOST cases, they are fake), the kisses/sex/etc that I got from these women, that was real.

 

Not trying to put down someone's preferred method of receiving affection, just be warned, there are a LOT of people out there who are very, very good at faking those words. Frankly, a lot of the men I work with (who have lots of A's) make their living faking their words (sales). You'll never be able to tell real from fake if you listen to the words, look at the ACTIONS to see if someone is being genuine or not. Saying he loves you, but staying with his W? That's fake, he doesn't love you, I'd argue that it's nearly impossible to love someone in an A situation because you're both not being genuine, but, regardless, his actions are SHOWING you the truth. Look at them, not the words.

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Bolded. I realize it's a love language for a lot people, especially, IMHO, women. Just like physical touch (sex) is a love language for a lot of people, especially men. But, ladies, let me tell you, from personal experience, those words are JUST WORDS in many cases. I won't relate this to my wife's A (but that was exactly the situation there) but my own personal experience, I said all kinds of things to have sex with women before I was married. And I always came away from it thinking "how could she believe that". But believe it they did; thing is the words were fake (I'd argue in MOST cases, they are fake), the kisses/sex/etc that I got from these women, that was real.

 

Not trying to put down someone's preferred method of receiving affection, just be warned, there are a LOT of people out there who are very, very good at faking those words. Frankly, a lot of the men I work with (who have lots of A's) make their living faking their words (sales). You'll never be able to tell real from fake if you listen to the words, look at the ACTIONS to see if someone is being genuine or not. Saying he loves you, but staying with his W? That's fake, he doesn't love you, I'd argue that it's nearly impossible to love someone in an A situation because you're both not being genuine, but, regardless, his actions are SHOWING you the truth. Look at them, not the words.

 

Fake words are commonly used to get sex and kisses.

 

These days it's becoming harder and harder to find someone trustworthy. Cheating has become as easy as hiding it.

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PhillyLibertyBelle

Thank you for sharing your story. In your posts you mentioned how completely incompatible, how totally out of tune, mismatched in ambition, sexual drive, and interests you and your wife are. She's an angel for wanting to reconcile I agree, but in what ways will all the aforementioned be addressed?

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Yes I am damn lucky, and yes she stayed with me while I was on the fence. I understand what I have done, but I would agree that it has been dampened by how well my W took it. Most BW's wouldn't have been so understanding. The addiction is incredible and I am working hard to R with my W. It has been a huge wake up call for me (and us).

 

Oops, how do I respond individually (this is for WMACBRIDE).

Edited by Allregrets
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Bolded. I realize it's a love language for a lot people, especially, IMHO, women. Just like physical touch (sex) is a love language for a lot of people, especially men. But, ladies, let me tell you, from personal experience, those words are JUST WORDS in many cases. I won't relate this to my wife's A (but that was exactly the situation there) but my own personal experience, I said all kinds of things to have sex with women before I was married. And I always came away from it thinking "how could she believe that". But believe it they did; thing is the words were fake (I'd argue in MOST cases, they are fake), the kisses/sex/etc that I got from these women, that was real.

 

Not trying to put down someone's preferred method of receiving affection, just be warned, there are a LOT of people out there who are very, very good at faking those words. Frankly, a lot of the men I work with (who have lots of A's) make their living faking their words (sales). You'll never be able to tell real from fake if you listen to the words, look at the ACTIONS to see if someone is being genuine or not. Saying he loves you, but staying with his W? That's fake, he doesn't love you, I'd argue that it's nearly impossible to love someone in an A situation because you're both not being genuine, but, regardless, his actions are SHOWING you the truth. Look at them, not the words.

 

Talk is certainly cheap. Action is dear.

 

I once went out with a guy when I was much younger and boy, could he use words. Unfortunately, he used the same words on every woman he met. I swear he should have gone into politics. With his grasp of manipulative language, he would have been a perfect fit.:laugh:

 

Mind you, for some people, words are more difficult, and if they use words to express love, you can tell they mean it.

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Yes I am damn lucky, and yes she stayed with me while I was on the fence. I understand what I have done, but I would agree that it has been dampened by how well my W took it. Most BW's wouldn't have been so understanding. The addiction is incredible and I am working hard to R with my W. It has been a huge wake up call for me (and us).

 

Oops, how do I respond individually (this is for WMACBRIDE).

 

You rang?:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: ( sorry, a bad joke, and an old one at that)

 

I'm sorry if I gave you a hard time. You don;t sound lie a bad guy. you sound like a human being who made some bad choices. The good news is that you recognize that! While you do fudge and flub around a bit, you are accepting responsibility for your actions, and that is such a positive sign for you.

 

I can't promise you and your wife will make it, or that it's going to be easy. It won't, but you know what?In some ways, that's okay. In my experience the things you work hard for are the things you most appreciate. Give your wife time, patience and love. Hold her when she needs it, and give her space if that is what she is looking for.

 

My husband and I went through infidelity ( his) about ten years ago. Our kids were small at the time, and it was awful. Once he came back ( he was deployed almost right away) we worked through everything.

 

One thing I will always remember is after one really difficult counseling session, we were both raw and mentally exhausted. Neither of us had ever been so vulnerable and "naked" ( I hope I worded that well). It was at that point that we hit our rock bottom, and we began the claim back up. We had torn down our former marriage, and now we could rebuild it the way we wanted it to be.

 

I am so glad we did. We have gotten to experience so many great moments. Our oldest graduated and she's now a published author and in college. Our middle kid will soon be starting university, and our youngest is doing great. We've traveled, coped with loss, coped with illness and much more.

 

We are a team. We are together, best friends and love one another, and at the end of the day, we are perpetually tired but very happy. Hopefully you and your wife will get there too.

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SaveYourHeart

Sounds like you work in the aviation industry, lots of cheating between pilots and FAs. I'm glad this story ended well with you, and I'm glad you took responsibility. My concern is where you speak about not trusting your AP because she hooked up with a stranger (you). The way you're looking negatively at her is probably the way you should be looking at yourself. I see a lot of blame on her in your story. Yes she was wrong, and yes you're saying that you've acknowledged your wrongness, but have you REALLY acknowledged that wrong in yourself?

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Maybe I missed it but what are you doing about the lack of sexual chemistry between you and your wife? I can understand that you are now devoted to her and saving your marriage but unless you fix your sexual problem, that level of devotion will be hard to maintain.

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Our chemistry is fantastic now. Quite honestly, it's better than ever. The reason it dropped off prior to my A was because I was such an angry man. She did not feel attracted to me, thus no intimacy. Since then we have connected like never before.

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