16 years shot to hell

[2legit2]

What's up guys..need a little advice here.

 

Been with my spouse for over 16 years we have two children. Found out she was cheating about a month ago. She received a text message from the dude at 11:35 pm and the **** hit the fan. Since I've confronted here she denied. I kept pushing and asking questions finally she admitted to a physical relation ship, but to this day still claims no sex. (Yeah ****in right)

 

I told her she needed to go so kicked her ass out of the house, but I find myself still missing her and even thinking about giving her another chance. I know deep down inside she's a lying bitchi and someone who hurt me so much, but I can't figure out why would I want her back?

 

I try and keep my distance, but with two kids it's impossible to do not contact. One simple text message from her will get me going again and I can't seem to shut it off. Can anyone suggest any supportive tips on how and the **** I'm supposed to get past this and honestly move the **** on?

 

I hate living my life like this and I know it's not going to turn off overnight, but I would like to hear some experiences on how you guys got past your one true love that completely smashed you and buried you in the ground.

 

Thanks

[S2B]

Counseling. That's what helped me. I learned what happy looked like for me- without him in my life.

 

I learned how to have a healthy boundary. I also learned how to keep all interaction/communication to a minimum...less manipulation from him that way.

 

The ONLY time he communicates is to manipulate - so no reason for anything other than a yes or no answer to him. Nothing more if he persists.

[2legit2]

Thanks s2b......I've thought about counselling. I've even called to make an appointment over a weekend I was really down andout, but they didn't return my call until Monday and at that point I decided to just wait.

 

I cannot understand why I still feel this way. I mean the girl did this to me and still lied after being caught...she still text him telling him that I know, so I know damn well me and her cannot be together. It's just a very difficult time for me as I'm in my early 30's and basically built my friends and life around her family..so I really have no other friends other than who is connected to her.

[2legit2]

Any other suggestions on how to cope?

[BetrayedH]

You still find yourself tempted to forgive because the rejection from infidelity does a serious number on your ego and so you crave external validation - from the one person that is supposed to be your source of it. And if she still loved and wanted you, the damage to your ego would be lessened. This is simply your subconscious mind trying to do some damage control. I suggest you use your conscious mind to squash that sh*t. She's still lying and not a good partner for you. Don't volunteer for that crap.

 

As for coping mechanisms, you can try the typical suggestions - keeping busy, exercise, therapy, etc..

 

To me, it's really about starting your second life. It's time to drive forward. And it's hard to do that with your eyes constantly in the rearview mirror. Decide what you want your next life to look like and get started on it (and get excited about it).

 

I second S2Bs suggestion about limiting contact. She can email you. She can text during emergencies. There's little need to talk on the phone. Only see each other in person in the driveway during kid exchanges. And discussions only revolve around the kids, shared finances, and splitting those things. Period.

 

Good luck.

[2legit2]

Thanks betrayedH, I ****ed up because my life revolved around her and her fam. I cut all ties will all my old HS buddies. I don't have facebook,IG or snapchat...so I'm basically starting fresh. I know this will be a long journey, I know that I cannot allow her back in after what she did to me. I'm just having a hard time letting go of someone who has been a part of my life everyday for the past 16 years.

[Marc878]

Join a gym, find some hobby, etc get out of the house when she has the kids.

 

You can do a low contact. Never answer a phone call direct. Texts or email , kids or business only civil but short. Ignore anything else.

 

Pickups/drops off are 5 minutes with zero engagement. It can be done if you want to bad enough.

 

Don't let your heart override your brain.

 

File D and get it moving. No remorse = no marriage or chance to reconcile.

 

Most betrayed spouses try and believe the lies because the truth is too hard to take. Don't fall into this trap

[2legit2]

Thanks Marc.

 

Once I find myself engaged in text messages or calls with her I feel like I am telling her what to do to prove to me her worth. It's like I want her to realize that what she did is ultimately wrong and she needs to act accordingly.

 

Unfortunately she still cops an attitude and throws shade my way telling me I can't always put her down and keep taking things from her. She has no job, no place to stay except for her mom's or one of her friends. I feel that this is sufficient enough to maintain a life and continue on with hers. I'm not gonna lie, I want to be able to erase what happened and make her change..but I know I cannot.

 

I thank all of your for your suggestions and insight into this matter. This is truly a life altering and difficult matter.

 

Thank you guys and gals.

[Marc878]

Thanks Marc.

 

Once I find myself engaged in text messages or calls with her I feel like I am telling her what to do to prove to me her worth. It's like I want her to realize that what she did is ultimately wrong and she needs to act accordingly.

 

You can't fix her. Only she can do that. You'll find talk doesn't get you much. Only your actions will mean anything. Don't let her be your problem anymore. She fired you from that Job. If you're smart you'll stay fired.

 

Unfortunately she still cops an attitude and throws shade my way telling me I can't always put her down and keep taking things from her. She has no job, no place to stay except for her mom's or one of her friends.

 

That's not your problem. She should have thought of that when she brought lover boy into your marriage

 

I feel that this is sufficient enough to maintain a life and continue on with hers. I'm not gonna lie, I want to be able to erase what happened and make her change..but I know I cannot.

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving and never full goes away plus she has no remorse. Doesn't even seem like much regret at getting caught either. That's a no win situation.

 

I thank all of your for your suggestions and insight into this matter. This is truly a life altering and difficult matter.

 

Thank you guys and gals.

 

You take her back it's the same as telling her you're ok with what she's done and you accept it.

 

Read up. This'll help

"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[Mr Blunt]

My experience is that you concentrate only on yourself and children and cut off all communications that are not absolutely necessary and keep the conversation very brief and away from anything that involves your relationships. Force yourself to keep thoughts about her out of your mind. you will have to do this a LOT of times but stay at it.

 

Build yourself up body, mind, and spirit and use every source that you can. Get closer to other family members, make new friends and do something that you always wanted to do. What I did was go back to night college and got back into my spiritual life. You will need faith to know that you are going to be alright in time.

 

Right now there is no magic bullet that is going to stop the pain but you can get better each week and month. As long as she keeps coping an attitude there is no hope.

 

Make a short term plan and a long term plan and concentrate on those. You will be weakened from time to time but you must remember that you are at war and she is your enemy. I say that because you have stated that you have made up your mind that you cannot live with her. It boils down to either you or her are going to dominate your emotions and life.

 

I know it sucks but millions have done it and so can you. This is not the end of your life; you have not even lived half your life and can have a chance at a very good life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Since I've confronted here she denied. I kept pushing and asking questions finally she admitted to a physical relation ship, but to this day still claims no sex. (Yeah ****in right)

 

What does "physical" but "no sex" mean? How long was the affair?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darren Steez]

Thanks betrayedH, I ****ed up because my life revolved around her and her fam. I cut all ties will all my old HS buddies. I don't have facebook,IG or snapchat...so I'm basically starting fresh. I know this will be a long journey, I know that I cannot allow her back in after what she did to me. I'm just having a hard time letting go of someone who has been a part of my life everyday for the past 16 years.

 

That's always a major mistake, putting someone on that pedestal, of course she was your wife but it's never healthy to lose friends or isolate yourself, friends and a healthy social life (as much as it permits with kids) are a vital.

 

As for coping with being screwed over, it's a cliche but only time can heal. It took this event for you to look at your life and see how lonely you actually were. Your wife has this dude as a fall back, she doesn't have to look at herself, this guy will be feeding her all the bull and she'll lap it because it's feeding her ego.

 

Ever made a new years resolution then not stick it and months down the line say to yourself, man I wish I had done this or that, all that time I wasted.

 

Use this time to build your support network, get in touch with your buddies, hobbies, gym by the time she looks in the mirror then decides to leech of you to get her ego kibbles you'll have that time of working on yourself and your network under your belt and hopefully you'll be more than able to tell her which way to go.

[2legit2]

From what I've found out. The affair has been on since November of 2016. Me and her were def going thru some rough times during that time.

 

But in feb me and her seemed to do just fine and we got along nicely. She quit her job because she was stressed. I supported her and told her it would be ok. She text me everyday practically in the month of March telling me how thankful and how much she loved me. I responded back the same and I actually felt like "wow..she's in love again"

 

That one night on the last day of March I seen him text her. I replied on his text..."what's up". His reply was "I miss you so much right now". My heart dropped...I was insta pissed...I had her phone. I text him back " I miss you too" I attempted to gain more knowledge of this situation from him. I asked him where he was at. He said he was at the billiards...My girl was so lost and confused she left for approx 15 mins. I mean physically left the house. She returned while I still had her phone.....I continued pushing and asking wtf went on between them. She admitted to hugging..then admitted to kissing. It wasn't two days later until she admitted that they were more intimate and he would rub on her *pussy (but outside of the pants). At this point I stopped.

 

As I said in an earlier post. She text him pretty much the following.

"HEY DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS TEXT. HE IS PISSED AND I HAD TO ADMIT TO HIM THAT WE HUGGED AND KISSED.IAM IN DEEP ****. IF I TEXT YOU AND SAY HE'S NOT HERE DO NOT RESPOND,BECAUSE HE WILL STANDING RIGHT HERE."

 

I Feel like she coached this faggit what to say. And when I actually physically went to see him he repeated the same thing.

[Overtaxed]

From what I've found out. The affair has been on since November of 2016. Me and her were def going thru some rough times during that time.

 

But in feb me and her seemed to do just fine and we got along nicely. She quit her job because she was stressed. I supported her and told her it would be ok. She text me everyday practically in the month of March telling me how thankful and how much she loved me. I responded back the same and I actually felt like "wow..she's in love again"

 

That one night on the last day of March I seen him text her. I replied on his text..."what's up". His reply was "I miss you so much right now". My heart dropped...I was insta pissed...I had her phone. I text him back " I miss you too" I attempted to gain more knowledge of this situation from him. I asked him where he was at. He said he was at the billiards...My girl was so lost and confused she left for approx 15 mins. I mean physically left the house. She returned while I still had her phone.....I continued pushing and asking wtf went on between them. She admitted to hugging..then admitted to kissing. It wasn't two days later until she admitted that they were more intimate and he would rub on her *pussy (but outside of the pants). At this point I stopped.

 

As I said in an earlier post. She text him pretty much the following.

"HEY DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS TEXT. HE IS PISSED AND I HAD TO ADMIT TO HIM THAT WE HUGGED AND KISSED.IAM IN DEEP ****. IF I TEXT YOU AND SAY HE'S NOT HERE DO NOT RESPOND,BECAUSE HE WILL STANDING RIGHT HERE."

 

I Feel like she coached this faggit what to say. And when I actually physically went to see him he repeated the same thing.

 

She's still engaged with him. No contact (NC) is an absolute must if you want to fix this. She has to choose you over him; this means she can never speak to him again, absolutely no compromise.

 

I'm pretty sure you know this already, but she slept with him. We don't "dry hump" when we're adults, we have sex. Especially with the fuel of an A to add to the "fire".

 

Only you can decide if this is worth saving. One way to look at it, it's just another person she had sex with, just like all the guys she slept with before you. You have to start to view the A in that light if you want to R.

 

The other way to look at it, she's choosing him over you, and lying to you and telling him the truth. She's got to go, and you should kick her out and move on.

 

That's the decision you'll have to make for yourself; but, given where you are now, I think a very hard line is justified. Electronic surveillance, a pledge of fidelity from her, and a frank discussion are all in order; do you want to stay in this relationship (to her) or do you want to D? Because this, what we have now, isn't going to work for me for one more minute.

[oldshirt]

As I said in an earlier post. She text him pretty much the following.

"HEY DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS TEXT. HE IS PISSED AND I HAD TO ADMIT TO HIM THAT WE HUGGED AND KISSED.IAM IN DEEP ****. IF I TEXT YOU AND SAY HE'S NOT HERE DO NOT RESPOND,BECAUSE HE WILL STANDING RIGHT HERE."

 

I Feel like she coached this faggit what to say. And when I actually physically went to see him he repeated the same thing.

 

She did coach him.

 

This is the smoking gun.

 

She did not send him a no-contact message. She coached him on how to continue to pull the wool your eyes.

 

She also gave him the story that they only hugged and kissed so that they could have their stories straight.

 

Game over Man. Game over.

[Marc878]

Admitted kissing = sex in an affair. Never seen that not be the case.

 

Get an STD test you have no idea here this guy has been.

[WilyWill]

Like everyone is saying, go dark on her except for matters related to the children. For those messages, keep it brief and polite.

 

Start exercising, dressing better, and carrying yourself with more authority and confidence. Do NOT let anyone see how hurt or vulnerable you are, even if you feel this way on the inside.

 

Make sure her family knows about her affair, and the full sexual extent of it. If they are decent people, the might be able to instill the beginnings of shame in her. Don't give her a chance to rewrite the truth. Let them know that she's admitted to him manually stimulating her, and that you believe it's actually gone much further.

 

Let her and her parents know that you are going to do a DNA test on the children to verify that they are really yours, and that this is her chance to come clean about any prior affairs. Yes, of course the children are yours, but the purpose of the DNA test is more to bring her to start to feel shame and understand the consequences of broken trust.

 

If none of these things light a fire under her, and she is still not backing down, it's time to move on. There are millions of decent women out there who don't cheat on their husbands. You go find your own kind. Let your wife find her own kind.

[aliveagain]

They always lie, it is always worse then they tell you. Expose the affair to the other man's significant other and family. Reconciliation without the truth is doomed to fail, make her take a polygraph as a requirement of reconciliation. As long as there are secrets between herself and the other man she is choosing him over you and the affair is still active until she confesses everything to you. Two grown adults in their 30's alone and making out and all they did was panty fu*k, I doubt that very much. Ask for a polygraph, if she refuses that's as good as a confession.

[Friskyone4u]

From what I've found out. The affair has been on since November of 2016. Me and her were def going thru some rough times during that time.

 

But in feb me and her seemed to do just fine and we got along nicely. She quit her job because she was stressed. I supported her and told her it would be ok. She text me everyday practically in the month of March telling me how thankful and how much she loved me. I responded back the same and I actually felt like "wow..she's in love again"

 

That one night on the last day of March I seen him text her. I replied on his text..."what's up". His reply was "I miss you so much right now". My heart dropped...I was insta pissed...I had her phone. I text him back " I miss you too" I attempted to gain more knowledge of this situation from him. I asked him where he was at. He said he was at the billiards...My girl was so lost and confused she left for approx 15 mins. I mean physically left the house. She returned while I still had her phone.....I continued pushing and asking wtf went on between them. She admitted to hugging..then admitted to kissing. It wasn't two days later until she admitted that they were more intimate and he would rub on her *pussy (but outside of the pants). At this point I stopped.

 

As I said in an earlier post. She text him pretty much the following.

"HEY DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS TEXT. HE IS PISSED AND I HAD TO ADMIT TO HIM THAT WE HUGGED AND KISSED.IAM IN DEEP ****. IF I TEXT YOU AND SAY HE'S NOT HERE DO NOT RESPOND,BECAUSE HE WILL STANDING RIGHT HERE."

 

I Feel like she coached this faggit what to say. And when I actually physically went to see him he repeated the same thing.

 

2 Legit,

 

just read what you wrote again. You caught her and instead of giving a damm about you, she immediately warns her boyfriend that you know, and you can bet they have found another way to communicate. Do you really need any more advice that you did the right thing throwing her out.

 

Get to an attorney and find out your rights. If you start to play the "pick me" game with her attitude, you are in for more hurt for sure.

[HereNorThere]

Hey man, sorry this happened to you. Welcome to the club no one ever wants to join.

 

I'd like to reiterate the self improvement stuff. It gives you a chance to get your mind off things and feels like you're actually making progress. It's kind of become a meme but "delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up" is really the best course of action right now. There's no revenge better than living well. Plus, it's just awesome to watch a cheater eat their freakin heart after seeing you in a fresh new outfit and more toned frame. As an added bonus, you've probably been on the heartbreak diet™ which I'm totally convinced is nature's way of helping you look better and attract a better mate through starvation (not really;) .)

 

As far as the therapy, you can pick through my old post but it really worked for me. My life is so much better in every way because of it. I see that no one has suggested looking for an online therapist! Yup, it's 2017 and you can do literally everything on your smartphone. Smartphones, they're not just for cheating on your spouse anymore! We really aren't allowed to recommend products per se plus I haven't really used them. If you look in the App Store, Google Play, etc their are some "talk" apps that have real, certified therapists available all the time. Depending on your price point, you can do it through text or for a little more you can do calls or video chat. Also, a lot of real doctors are doing Skype sessions now. My grandparents live in a small town and it saves them a 2+ hour drive to the nearest legit doctor. Plus you can use insurance if the doctor accepts it. Google around and see what you can find. At the very least, it might be someone professional to vent to and get suggestions. Check the reviews before you use something but the one I've seen is definitely the real deal.

 

The most important thing is to keep yourself busy and deflect the negative thoughts while you can. Imagine all of your thoughts, feelings, mind movies laying around your brain like a messy computer desktop. Now, right click and create a new folder. Label this folder "My Old Bullsh.." Now, grab that whole mess and stick it in the folder. It's still there and you can access it whenever you want. Just don't let infect your system (sorry, I'm a nerd.) You may not be able to control the intrusive thoughts at first but you can control the ones you give relevance to. It's the "meditator's paradox" - You can't think about not thinking because that's thinking! Instead, allow the thoughts to flow but don't feed them. Stop arguing with her in your head because it's not productive. I promise you, you can crunch the numbers for the rest of your life but it will never, ever compute. You can't logic your way out of a position that you didn't logic yourself into. Emotions don't really care about your words.

 

Delete Facebook (meaning stay away from triggers and reminders online) Hit the Gym and Lawyer up! Write that down! Good luck, man. If my obsessive compulsive, anxious brain can heal, so can yours. If my heart could be mended and made to love again, so can yours. I didn't just heal and go back to baseline, I rebuilt bigger and stronger and I am absolutely better for it. This isn't about her now, it's about you. YOU are worth your effort, brother. Godspeed.

Edited April 16, 2017 by HereNorThere

[flowergirl14]

I would say go no contact as much as possible. Also check out the website Chump Lady. Her mantra is leave a cheater and gain a life. That sounds like the direction your headed. There are a lot of women out there who have never cheated, nor would they. Try not to let fear keep you thinking your wife is the only one. One hour at a time, one day, one week, one year.. The less contact you have the more your mind will clear.

[drifter777]

Others have said it here but I'm going to reiterate a couple things. First, your wife is lying about pretty much everything. They all have sex - a lot of sex. Always. She's likely still having sex with him today. Second, the best path to take if you truly want to heal is to end all contact with her. Yes, you have kids so there will have to be some but you can make that as minimal as possible. Like have her pick the kids up outside or walk out the back door as she comes in the front door for her visit. Don't respond to any communication from her that does not directly relate to the kids. It sounds like you've already tried some of this and that's great because detaching from her is a process that takes time. The good thing is that the longer you stay no contact with her the more you detach and the easier all of this becomes.

 

File for divorce as soon as your detachment is strong enough that you know you will be just fine without her.

[deadsoul]

Whatever she is or isn't doing or has or hasn't done is irrelevant at this point. The bottom line is she doesn't seem to be giving OM up and so you have to take actions to take care of yourself and children.

 

Work on you, as other posters said: it seems so hokey, but exercise really helps a ton, eat right, spend as much time with your kids as you can and just get through each day. Limit contact with W to quick texts and if it's too painful, have someone help you with pick ups/drop offs with kids.

 

Don't mask the pain, let yourself feel it, just don't wallow in it for too long. Time really is the healer, it just won't seem that way for a long time.

 

Give yourself time before you make any big decisions. You want to do things as logically as you can to make sure your kids are not dragged through an emotional mess. Easier said than done.

 

Keep posting. It helps.

[bigman1]

Short and simple. Getting re-connected to friends and buddies on FB is easy. Open an account and start searching for friends. Get "friended" and then search for more or search a friends "Friend" list. Boom. In about 30 minutes, you will have reconnected with any buddy who has a FB account.

 

Shared friends IRL are still friends. Your girl is gone.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks betrayedH, I ****ed up because my life revolved around her and her fam. I cut all ties will all my old HS buddies. I don't have facebook,IG or snapchat...so I'm basically starting fresh. I know this will be a long journey, I know that I cannot allow her back in after what she did to me. I'm just having a hard time letting go of someone who has been a part of my life everyday for the past 16 years.

 

My life revolved around my wife and kids, too. I had all my eggs in one basket. It was all about my nuclear family. We'd been together 18 years, married for 12. It was a devasting blow to feel like that was lost in an instant. It was a huge investment and really my only one. And so the natural instinct is to try to salvage it.

 

But she wasn't who I thought she was. And it was lost. They say there are 5 stages of grief. I think it's notable that the first stage is denial and that the last is acceptance. I'd guess it took me about 2 years post-divorce to really reach that last stage. It'll take you some time. But I'm here to tell you that the sooner you start, the better off you'll be.

 

Start your second life, bud. You'll be fine.