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I snooped on my BF and don't know how to act now !


Trustinggirl

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Trustinggirl

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. He is going through divorce and was married for 10 years before that. He is having a tough time financially at the moment so, I lent him a phone to use temporarily. I got it back and couldn't resist the urge to snoop. I never trusted anyone as much as him. He made me feel very secure. My previous relationship was also for 10 years with a serial cheater from the time I was 17. I was too naive to leave. Anyway, I found emails that indicate he is on online dating websites mentioning he is looking for fun, or possibly more. I saw in the past he was sending these emails during a 9 month break so I understand that cuz we weren't together but I just didn't expect this.

 

He is a very sexual person not like my ex and so he is opening me up to a new world. He sometimes would ask me for pictures or videos of myself which I never felt comfortable doing. We usually have sex when we see each other. I'm not sure if he is actually wanting to meet and have fun sex with this person or just get sexy pix that I won't send him?

 

In the email he tells the woman he is also lives in the same area if she would like to chat. We don't live together yet as I am waiting for him to sort out limited finances. I'm supposed to see him this weekend and I don't know how to act. I was already acting cold and indifferent towards him yesterday because of my suspicion and he could tell something was wrong. I couldn't kiss him back and he asked what was wrong. I said nothing. I know I have to gather more info before I can confront. I can't let him know I'm snooping but I so want ton up this in the bud beforehand. Even doing this is unacceptable to me. The woman's profile says she is widowed and looking to have fun and possible more if compatible. I am working while he is off tomorrow. I will see him after work. I don't know what to do, say, or act. If he tries to kiss me i don't know if I can pretend. If he tries to have sex with me what do I do as we usually don't use protection and I'm afraid worst case scenario they hook up before I see him tomorrow night? ? Please help. I am so hurt. I thought this time I chose to trust a trustworthy man. Do I walk away now and just don't explain myself? Or do I wait for something concrete to happen? How do I act tomorrow. What do I say to him?? Please help I'm so sad

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I'm sorry that you are sad. But, you have to be smart.

 

Do not ever, send this man any photos or videos that you don't want shared.

 

Do not, move in with this man if his finances are not good.

 

You really should be having protected sex, if you have any doubts about his faithfulness.

 

And when you feel like you have the information you need, you will need to talk with him.

 

For me, just the information you have would be enough to talk with him and tell him that it's not going to work out. I'm not interested in trusting someone and sharing my life when I have have doubts about the fact that they are seeking sex with other women. No thank you. Listen to your instinct.

Edited by BaileyB
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I don't know what you're going to do but he would definitely have sex with that lady if she wants him.

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Trustinggirl

He just finally moved out on his own so, he is figuring out right now how much less he will give his ex wife as he gives a large amount of his paycheck. I told him I would not move in until he is divorced. But I might not even reach that point.

 

We were having unprotected sex because I trusted him until now. I really did not expect this. Maybe I was not sexually experienced or open enough for him? This is actually enough for me to walk away, but I just want to give him benefit of the doubt and just see if this is silly and exciting to him and he is curious to get pix or if he is planning on taking it farther.

 

I also am thinking of getting Dr Fone on the borrowed phone but I am very afraid I might find more than I wanted to know.

 

You are right Bailey. I will keep to my instincts. I have to know my emotions are gonna be in overdrive

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Trustinggirl

Well I am able to check his email in real time. And he has responded asking where she lives and if they live nearby he would love to meet.

 

I am crushed. I don't want to reveal to him how I found out. Do I even owe him an explanation if I decide to just walk away? I was thinking to at least stick it out one day and ask to see his phone on the spot so I have a good reason to end it if I can't trust him.

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I bet she isn't the only one he has seen or is seeing. At this point what does it matter how you tell him? If you are breaking up with him just tell him the truth. Why do you care what he thinks when he has no respect for you?

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You don't need to give him a reason for ending. Just do it. Is he going through a divorce, or is he already divorced? Was his divorce already in process when you started dating?

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Trustinggirl

They started seeing a mediator. He actually has a decent paying job but her family comes from money so their living expenses are high for their two kids.

 

I really do want to walk away and not turn back. But I do feel like I also want him to know I know what he's done. I do have to get my clothes from his apartment too. Also in the past when we fought about stuff and I walked out and ignored him, he was very persistent with phone calls and he knows where I work.

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Trustinggirl
Did he cheat on his wife with you or any other woman? Remember, history repeats itself.

 

He did cheat on her Anika. But he was crashing at a friend'a house. He didnt tell me until the third time we met. Something felt off so I looked at ring finger and also asked if he had a gf. He said no. I left it at that. I never thought to ask if he was married. Now I know. He was the best I ever had in bed and after he told me I was already hooked. He told me it was over between them. He did make moves to be with me. He even asked me to move in with him. And this is where we are now. I just don't understand.

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Trustinggirl

Yes history does repeat itself. It was always in the back of my mind. Especially knowing how sexually experienced he is and how much of a novice I was. I knew I couldn't satisfy him for the rest of his life.

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whichwayisup

This guy is in the midst of a divorce and seems he's NOT ready to settle down and start a new life. He wants to be free, single and date/sleep with whomever, whenever he feels like it.

 

End it. He's not emotionally available, his actions prove this. He's going to break your heart.

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hippychick3

You have plenty of information already to justify leaving him. He's a cheater and a liar. You don't owe him anything. I would actually just send him an email letting him know that you are moving on due to trust issues and to not contact you again.

 

Call your friends and family for emotional support as you go through this breakup and get yourself tested for STD's.

 

So sorry you are dealing with this, OP. In the future, only date guys who are already divorced and have NO history of cheating.

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I knew I couldn't satisfy him for the rest of his life.

 

It has nothing to do with this. Look at his history, no one woman has been able to meet his needs. Some people's desire for external validation is so great they simply can't function in a monogamous relationship. He seems to be one such person...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Simple Logic
I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. He is going through divorce and was married for 10 years before that. He is having a tough time financially at the moment so, I lent him a phone to use temporarily. I got it back and couldn't resist the urge to snoop. I never trusted anyone as much as him. He made me feel very secure. My previous relationship was also for 10 years with a serial cheater from the time I was 17. I was too naive to leave. Anyway, I found emails that indicate he is on online dating websites mentioning he is looking for fun, or possibly more. I saw in the past he was sending these emails during a 9 month break so I understand that cuz we weren't together but I just didn't expect this.

 

He is a very sexual person not like my ex and so he is opening me up to a new world. He sometimes would ask me for pictures or videos of myself which I never felt comfortable doing. We usually have sex when we see each other. I'm not sure if he is actually wanting to meet and have fun sex with this person or just get sexy pix that I won't send him?

 

In the email he tells the woman he is also lives in the same area if she would like to chat. We don't live together yet as I am waiting for him to sort out limited finances. I'm supposed to see him this weekend and I don't know how to act. I was already acting cold and indifferent towards him yesterday because of my suspicion and he could tell something was wrong. I couldn't kiss him back and he asked what was wrong. I said nothing. I know I have to gather more info before I can confront. I can't let him know I'm snooping but I so want ton up this in the bud beforehand. Even doing this is unacceptable to me. The woman's profile says she is widowed and looking to have fun and possible more if compatible. I am working while he is off tomorrow. I will see him after work. I don't know what to do, say, or act. If he tries to kiss me i don't know if I can pretend. If he tries to have sex with me what do I do as we usually don't use protection and I'm afraid worst case scenario they hook up before I see him tomorrow night? ? Please help. I am so hurt. I thought this time I chose to trust a trustworthy man. Do I walk away now and just don't explain myself? Or do I wait for something concrete to happen? How do I act tomorrow. What do I say to him?? Please help I'm so sad

 

How you act tomorrow is up to you, but there no way I would be dating someone who had any history of looking for casual sex online.

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Trustinggirl
This guy is in the midst of a divorce and seems he's NOT ready to settle down and start a new life. He wants to be free, single and date/sleep with whomever, whenever he feels like it.

 

End it. He's not emotionally available, his actions prove this. He's going to break your heart.

 

I thought he wasn't ready to settle down too at the beginning and was not taking it seriously. He was the one who got serious with me. He kept asking me to move in with him (40 min away). He always asks me to stay over whenever im not working. He just removed himself from family plan on cell phone bill and we opened one together. But I ended up returning it cuz I didn't like my phone or service.

 

His actions up until this point showed me he was serious. I should have known better that he would want to have fun after being in a long marriage. His actions now tell me everything. I just don't want to reveal to him my source and that I can still look up his emails. Sick as it is, I am curious to see the extent of his actions. I know it's pointless, but I just feel like I have to do this

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He's doing this because he can. You provide stability and he's still looking for excitement.

 

It's no mystery on what you'll find in his emails. And guess what? He'll initially deny deny deny, then when he sees you walking, he'll get on his knees and beg.

 

You don't need to tell him why and how. Just walk.

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Trustinggirl
He's doing this because he can. You provide stability and he's still looking for excitement.

 

It's no mystery on what you'll find in his emails. And guess what? He'll initially deny deny deny, then when he sees you walking, he'll get on his knees and beg.

 

You don't need to tell him why and how. Just walk.

 

That's what I want to do. I gave so much of myself to him. I was patient and understanding and helped him along the long road of departing his family and tough times, even having to sleep in his car. He had some bad luck, but I stood by him. I just don't understand how he could be so selfish.

 

After that, I plan to walk away with no explanation. I want to be strong and not cry, but I don't think I can. My head is indifferent now, but my heart and emotions are still weak inside. I know he will call incessantly and ask why and possible come to my work place. I don't know what I'm gonna do if that happens

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If he was in a marriage that long, still not divorced & just moved out on his own. Well it sounds like you're the rebound. That's why no one should ever start dating someone that isn't done a 100% with their emotional stuff from their previous relationship.

 

If he went from marriage right into a religious with you. It would seem he hasn't had the chance to really be free.

 

It's not right for him to lead you on but now that you know, you should realize he's not yet ready for another big commitment. You need to let him go for awhile, let him have some freedom & get to know himself individually. If he comes back, then you'll know he's ready, if not well you weren't just sitting there waiting. You need to do what's best for you. Good luck

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If you are going to leave him away go ahead & confess that you snooped. He can be as angry as he wants. It doesn't matter -- he cheated on you. Game over.

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Yes history does repeat itself. It was always in the back of my mind. Especially knowing how sexually experienced he is and how much of a novice I was. I knew I couldn't satisfy him for the rest of his life.

This has nothing at all to do with your sexual ability or lack thereof. You deserve better. Just get your stuff from his place and get on with your life. Dating is the time to get to know who people are. Tell him you know he is looking for other relationships. No need to tell him how you know.

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I thought he wasn't ready to settle down too at the beginning and was not taking it seriously. He was the one who got serious with me. He kept asking me to move in with him (40 min away). He always asks me to stay over whenever im not working. He just removed himself from family plan on cell phone bill and we opened one together. But I ended up returning it cuz I didn't like my phone or service.

 

His actions up until this point showed me he was serious. I should have known better that he would want to have fun after being in a long marriage. His actions now tell me everything. I just don't want to reveal to him my source and that I can still look up his emails. Sick as it is, I am curious to see the extent of his actions. I know it's pointless, but I just feel like I have to do this

 

Asking you to move in isn't about being serious, it's about convenience. he doesn't have to drive, and you can help pay the bills. I am glad you listened to your gut and found the information.

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Trustinggirl
If he was in a marriage that long, still not divorced & just moved out on his own. Well it sounds like you're the rebound. That's why no one should ever start dating someone that isn't done a 100% with their emotional stuff from their previous relationship.

 

If he went from marriage right into a religious with you. It would seem he hasn't had the chance to really be free.

 

It's not right for him to lead you on but now that you know, you should realize he's not yet ready for another big commitment. You need to let him go for awhile, let him have some freedom & get to know himself individually. If he comes back, then you'll know he's ready, if not well you weren't just sitting there waiting. You need to do what's best for you. Good luck

 

You know I always read that before, but once it happened to me, I was stubborn and thought maybe I could be the exception and possibly didn't invest myself 100 percent. He just made me feel so good. But I definitely will heed this warning from now on, lesson learned

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