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Husband has been texting xMM


Southern Sun

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Southern Sun

My H used to charge his phone at night openly out on the counter (as I do). Recently (after a confrontation we had about something else I saw on his phone), he stopped doing this. Suddenly his phone is out of sight at night. It is a noticeable change in routine. Obviously it has made me a little uncomfortable, in light of our history. I've discovered he is keeping it in a bag instead of charging it.

 

He has made a BIG DEAL about phone transparency since my affair and always talks about how we should be able to pick up each other's phones at any time. Now he is being weird.

 

I just managed to get his iPad (which he also keeps in his bag). I'm not seeing anything weird about another woman, but there were recent texts to xMM. Basically my H just saying angry, ugly words to him.

 

There was a history there showing my H texting him multiple times over the year. No response ever from xMM.

 

I just don't know how to feel about this. I am maintaining NC. And here my H is texting him these provocative, angry things. And obviously hasn't told me.

 

What the heck do I do?

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My H used to charge his phone at night openly out on the counter (as I do). Recently (after a confrontation we had about something else I saw on his phone), he stopped doing this. Suddenly his phone is out of sight at night. It is a noticeable change in routine. Obviously it has made me a little uncomfortable, in light of our history. I've discovered he is keeping it in a bag instead of charging it.

 

He has made a BIG DEAL about phone transparency since my affair and always talks about how we should be able to pick up each other's phones at any time. Now he is being weird.

 

I just managed to get his iPad (which he also keeps in his bag). I'm not seeing anything weird about another woman, but there were recent texts to xMM. Basically my H just saying angry, ugly words to him.

 

There was a history there showing my H texting him multiple times over the year. No response ever from xMM.

 

I just don't know how to feel about this. I am maintaining NC. And here my H is texting him these provocative, angry things. And obviously hasn't told me.

 

What the heck do I do?

 

Nothing. If it makes him feel better just let him do it.

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what have you been doing to protect your husband and out your AP?

 

Your AP deserves that and more.

 

Your H is hurting.

 

What are you doing to try to help him and make him feel like he is number one in your life and not your second choice to the AP?

 

Of course with your A, you certainly made it clear by your actions that you preferred AP over your H.

 

Your H will be angry and hurt for a long time.

 

How would you feel if your H had an A? help him with his pain, and help him to let the AP know that you think he is scum.

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Southern Sun

Please, I don't give a crap about the AP. That isn't the angle I was taking. I just wish he wouldn't continue to invite him into our life in any way when we are desperately trying to rebuild.

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Jersey born raised

Hi SS,

 

Liked your tone in your last post.

 

Can you talk to your husband like that, and smile? Sometimes guys really like short declarative sentences.

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Southern Sun
How's the drinking SS?

 

It's been better. He has been moderating it. I hope it sticks. This text came after his drinking reduced so I just wonder what is going on in his head. I feel like he hides from me.

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he is still going thru a lot.

 

You had the A for 2 and 1/2 years.

Quite a gift he has given you.

 

How would you feel if he had an A for 2 and 1/2 years? would you file for D?

 

Hope you are really helping him with his recovery.

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he is still going thru a lot.

 

You had the A for 2 and 1/2 years.

Quite a gift he has given you.

 

How would you feel if he had an A for 2 and 1/2 years? would you file for D?

 

Hope you are really helping him with his recovery.

 

Also, remember that when he reduces his alcohol intake, he is no longer numb, he is beginnng to feel things more intensely than he did when he was drinking....sorry but for him, he gets to go through this twice, once numb and drunk and now sober and fully feeling the betrayal.....

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somanymistakes

If the other guy has never responded it's possible he just has your husband blocked anyway and this is a safe way for him to vent when he has anger he doesn't want to direct at you.

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Is he going to have a problem that you "managed to get a hold of" his iPad?

 

If not just tell him... say "I'm not mad and I don't care what you say to xMM, if you feel you need to do that, I won't stop you. But I've completely cut him out of our life and I'm afraid of the drama that could happen if he responds and I really just want to focus on us. I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you this much."

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You seriously need to to take a step back and let this whole thing just play out. You dealt a major blow to your husband with your affair and the continued TT you were doing. Not only that, you went back to the affair with both feet in after your initial disclosure. You're less than 1 year out.

 

That being said, you only seem to post about how this is affecting YOU... think about his feelings for once.

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Lets see, he is probably feeling completely emasculated by the whole affair deal. Like he wasn't man enough to keep you. So, here he is trying to get in the other guys face man on man. Probably lucky for both of you that he hasn't gone over to other man's place to fight him. He seems to want to reclaim his manhood thru aggression. I guess you haven't convinced your husband that he really is a real man for you yet. He seems to want to try to prove it thru good ol fashion macho behavior.

Too bad it doesn't really work like that anymore. Does your husband have anger management issues? Actually, a little bit concerned that this could escalate to violence if he doesn't have the coping skills for this emotional trauma. Is he struggling with performance issues in bed now. There might be an additional trigger as far as when he feels the need to try to verbally berate or fight the other man. I guess he is trying to repair whats left of his ego by trying to win back his Alpha male status that it sounds like he feels the other man has. Well, you managed to prove too your husband he was second best in your life and relationship. Sounds like he has the desire to be number one for you in your life. He just doesn't know how to get there on his own.

Edited by QuietDan
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My H used to charge his phone at night openly out on the counter (as I do). Recently (after a confrontation we had about something else I saw on his phone), he stopped doing this. Suddenly his phone is out of sight at night. It is a noticeable change in routine. Obviously it has made me a little uncomfortable, in light of our history. I've discovered he is keeping it in a bag instead of charging it.

 

He has made a BIG DEAL about phone transparency since my affair and always talks about how we should be able to pick up each other's phones at any time. Now he is being weird.

 

I just managed to get his iPad (which he also keeps in his bag). I'm not seeing anything weird about another woman, but there were recent texts to xMM. Basically my H just saying angry, ugly words to him.

 

There was a history there showing my H texting him multiple times over the year. No response ever from xMM.

 

I just don't know how to feel about this. I am maintaining NC. And here my H is texting him these provocative, angry things. And obviously hasn't told me.

 

What the heck do I do?

 

Not much you can, you caused it. Just because you maintain NC doesn't mean your husbands not reliving it every day. At least he is taking it out on the POSOM and not you.

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Please, I don't give a crap about the AP. That isn't the angle I was taking. I just wish he wouldn't continue to invite him into our life in any way when we are desperately trying to rebuild.

 

 

So you were able to invite the OM to have a affair but your husband can't let him know he is a POS.

 

Really, like I said you caused all of this.

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You are trying to rebuild, sounds like your husband keeps replaying the mind movies of you with the POSOM.

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Please, I don't give a crap about the AP. That isn't the angle I was taking. I just wish he wouldn't continue to invite him into our life in any way when we are desperately trying to rebuild.

 

My husband did some similar things in the couple months after DDay. It was usually when he was pretty drunk, too. Or he would verbally abuse me. I think it's part of the process... as long as it doesn't go on forever, it's probably not too harmful and can be a good way to blow off steam from the anger part of being betrayed.

 

Could you bring it up to him, gently? Giving him an chance to express those feelings to you and be honest about could be good for both of you.

Edited by Birdies
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I would agree that it would be best not to keep inviting the xMM into your lives by your husband contacting him. He must realize that if the xMM isn't blocking him but is not responding, he might be keeping track of the texts for harassment proof in the future. Any threats, even one, can be brought to an attorney and your husband could find himself paying a settlement to your xMM for contacting him if he feels it's been a threat in anyway. I can understand your husband needing to vent his anger but unless he wants possible legal reprocussions from it, he should find a safer way to do so.

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Windows and walls, as Shirley Glass writes. You want to reopen the windows in the marriage.

 

I think the issue here in part is the secretiveness on both sides. His, hiding the phone. Yours, snooping to figure out what's being hidden. Neither of you is being transparent or vulnerable. Now you both have secrets again, and secrets are the death of intimacy and reconnection.

 

The other precept is work in you and let go of the outcome. So what is working on you in this connection?

 

1. You confess and apologize for prying.

2. You admit what you saw--the texts

3. You apologize for hurting him so badly by bringing this betrayal into his life.

 

And that's it.

 

Your'e not far enough along to give him counsel that involves some form or other of "I care for you and am concerned about behavior X and want it to change for your own good." You just don't have the moral standing rebuilt enough yet. We don't have to work hard to imagine the immediate venomous refutation he can and likely would make. Same with the point about mutual transparency. Too soon to press it.

 

As for the legal jeopardy if it comes face it as a team with your husband. But trying to give him preemptive legal advice on reducing his vulnerability to your AP is an emotional nonstarter.

 

Like the drinking it will likely moderate on its own. If it doesn't, it is likely to be one of the things that get worse until you or he decided to separate.

 

Let go of the outcome. Own what us yours to own, which is your choices and secrets, not his,

 

None of this is to say you will never have a voice, can't ever have boundaries, won't again be an equal partner. That's rehab. But right now we are barely out of shock and still battling in the ICU.

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Adding -- it all sucks, Southern. It is awful and painful and hard. I am glad you wave this place and IC too to vent to. Even if sometimes some of the replies the vent gets, like mine, a month to "one foot in front of the other." You are out of the affair. You are regainino yourself. You are moving in good directions.

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Not that I did not have severe hate for OM_MM. However I always knew my wife was to blame mostly. I did unload on her, but honestly I kept it supressed alot. As a man its easier to save animal anger for other men.

 

I wonder - if some of his anger at you or the affair is being displaced at OM ?

 

You have read the texts, maybe, sorry to say this, you need to let him know if he has some hurt to vent - he needs to say it to you. Maybe back in therapy for both of you for a safe place to vent?

 

He might also consider a boxing or martial arts gym for a year or two. Could help vent.

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SS,

 

I'm not gonna come down on you. Your H chose to R with you, your A is over. I think you're living with enough pain.

 

My only thought is that his focus on the OM may be indicative of rug sweeping on his part, as his anger should rightfully focused on you. The OM made vows to him, only you did.

 

I dealt with A LOT of OM. It's embarrassing, really. But my anger was never on them. They were meaningless.

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I agree with a little of this, but basically you gotta be there to understand. I totally get what you're H has been doing. I wrote that 0W constantly for about two years, maybe three. Only difference, I never mailed them but believe you me I was rooting on it constantly.

 

The problem for me was - and I assume it's the same - that I couldn't stand that she didn't understand, that she was rug sweeping, that she had distorted it into something palatable to live with. I felt that she had gotten off scott free comparatively. And she was still nursing the nonsense that they had concocted about what they had been doing. So in my wishful thinking I thought I could should straighten her out. Of course I realize now she would never have changed one iota because of reading something I'd sent her. Instead she would have further villainized me to make herself feel justified.

 

My husband used to give me the short version that he thought I should send, if I sent anything. But it never helped. I had to flush it out of my system myself. Or maybe I just went the course it went. It made an enormous difference that he never reacted to it; he was always sweet about it. I cannot tell you how important that was because I realized he was completely on my side.

 

If any of this makes sense to you, I hope you can use it to help your husband. All I know really is if he feels he has to do it, nothing can change that compulsion. However, maybe you can help him write it like my H did.

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PS it might be different since I asked my husband to listen and help me. He would say things like, "She's just a b-tch. It's not going to change her just tell her you never want to see her again." So i asked him to get involved. Their NC was incontrovertible so I wasn't threatened. Your H may not realize where you stand. What they said about his confidence being shaken is also true. So whatever you can do to make him feel that it is a totally understandable impulse if you bring it up, that's really important

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