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How to approach possible cheating


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I have been married for 13 years. We have 4 children. For the most part, it has been a great relationship. My wife did walk out on me 7 years ago, and I thought that at that time it was over. After 2 months of separation, we reconciled. Even with that, she said some comments to her family that paint her version of our marriage in a different light than what I experienced. I will give the cliff notes version. I am not the love of her life. About a year before we were met, her love was sentenced to 5 years in prison for theft. We then met, got married, and started a family. She relayed to her mom that she "only" married me because I had a great job, was kind and supportive of her, and treated her better than she was ever treated before. However, I was an escape plan, and she didn't plan on being married to me very long. She didn't find me the best looking guy on the planet, and I was boring, because I didn't go to clubs or like to travel(to go to clubs). I recently found out that after we had been married for 2 years, her love got out on parole. About this same time, she took a trip out of town to visit family. They could have easily met up, she was gone for a week. After her return we got into the first big fight. She said she felt trapped, that she didn't want to be married anymore, she wanted to live her life. I had no idea her love was out of jail. He reoffended and was sent back to serve 2 more years. My wife went back to normal and the marriage went on. This time however, he started writing her from prison. She did ask my permission, but I thought he was locked up for a long time, so I stupidly said ok. When he got out, he violated his probation by moving very close to where we lived. I found this out by recently looking at his criminal record. This also coincided with another big blowout, where she actually left me. His record shows that 2 months later he was caught, and low and behold my wife came back to me in that timeframe. He wound up committing another robbery and is prison for the next 10 years. He and my wife write regularly. She never lets me see the letters. I have resisted opening them because I am afraid of what I will read. I feel that I am just the guy paying for her life, the father of her kids, and nothing more. That she really wants this other guy, and I am just a placeholder until he returns. She won't admit to anything, and gets very defensive whenever I bring anything up. Part of me just wants to act like nothing happened. Because of our kids getting a divorce without any real evidence could make me look like the bad guy. I love my kids more than anything. On the other hand, it hurts that she may not love me. She has never been affectionate. I thought that was just how she was. But it may be that her affection has belonged to this guy all along. We do have a regular sex life, but not much intimacy. I would love to hear a woman's perspective on this.

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I have been married for 13 years. We have 4 children. For the most part, it has been a great relationship. My wife did walk out on me 7 years ago, and I thought that at that time it was over. After 2 months of separation, we reconciled. Even with that, she said some comments to her family that paint her version of our marriage in a different light than what I experienced. I will give the cliff notes version. I am not the love of her life. About a year before we were met, her love was sentenced to 5 years in prison for theft. We then met, got married, and started a family. She relayed to her mom that she "only" married me because I had a great job, was kind and supportive of her, and treated her better than she was ever treated before. However, I was an escape plan, and she didn't plan on being married to me very long. She didn't find me the best looking guy on the planet, and I was boring, because I didn't go to clubs or like to travel(to go to clubs). I recently found out that after we had been married for 2 years, her love got out on parole. About this same time, she took a trip out of town to visit family. They could have easily met up, she was gone for a week. After her return we got into the first big fight. She said she felt trapped, that she didn't want to be married anymore, she wanted to live her life. I had no idea her love was out of jail. He reoffended and was sent back to serve 2 more years. My wife went back to normal and the marriage went on. This time however, he started writing her from prison. She did ask my permission, but I thought he was locked up for a long time, so I stupidly said ok. When he got out, he violated his probation by moving very close to where we lived. I found this out by recently looking at his criminal record. This also coincided with another big blowout, where she actually left me. His record shows that 2 months later he was caught, and low and behold my wife came back to me in that timeframe. He wound up committing another robbery and is prison for the next 10 years. He and my wife write regularly. She never lets me see the letters. I have resisted opening them because I am afraid of what I will read. I feel that I am just the guy paying for her life, the father of her kids, and nothing more. That she really wants this other guy, and I am just a placeholder until he returns. She won't admit to anything, and gets very defensive whenever I bring anything up. Part of me just wants to act like nothing happened. Because of our kids getting a divorce without any real evidence could make me look like the bad guy. I love my kids more than anything. On the other hand, it hurts that she may not love me. She has never been affectionate. I thought that was just how she was. But it may be that her affection has belonged to this guy all along. We do have a regular sex life, but not much intimacy. I would love to hear a woman's perspective on this.

 

She cheated. Multiple times.

 

Read the letters. Either that or live a life questioning her motivations.

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File for D.

 

Let her go live with her lover in jail.

 

She does not respect you.

 

What does she see in a jailbird? A bad boy?

 

Keep your kids away from him.

 

Open the letters and tell her to leave.

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You know the truth, but are afraid to face it. Deep down you know she cheated those times he got out of prison.

 

I couldn't be married to someone who gave those reasons for being with me.

 

She physically cheated and the emotional affair continues as we speak.

 

ETA

Do you think they talk about the weather in the letters?

Edited by sandylee1
Spacing and eta
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If what you are saying is true, then I really don't know how you can live with such a level of disrespect. I hate to say it, but you may need a DNA check for you and your kids.

 

 

Dude, I think you need to start focusing on being the best Dad you can be to those kids. But, you don't have to be a husband to her. I mean, the guy she's fawning over sounds like a real winner there! Dude, let her have the guy....you know, whenever he gets out......But, you got the world at your fingertips and there's a girl out there that will treat you with respect. You need to go find her!

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I am always amazed at how much punishment a betrayed spouse can take. Did the other guy tell your wife to marry you? It's good that you can take care of his girl when he is inside. Is she squirelling your money away? He probably suggested that she go back to you when he knew he was going to get re-arrested.

 

You have piggybacked on (and piggybanked) their relationship for way too long. You have enabled them. You deserve better. She will never feel like yours. Walk away.

Edited by smi11ie
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Wow. After telling you that you are not the love of her life but marrying you anyway, she is carrying on with this other guy via letter & won't let you see the correspondence.

 

 

I'm sorry but that is unacceptable. The fact that she is even in contact with him is wrong. But if she expects you to love & trust her at the very least you need to be allowed to see the letters.

 

 

I'm not big on ultimatums but this situation cries out for one: She gives you the letter or you immediately head to the lawyers. You need to be the one to stay in the house with the kids. You can't let your kids be raised by a felon.

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I can't see why you want to stay with her. Are the children even yours? DNA test them if you're curious.

 

She likes bad boys. She likes jerks who are incapable of raising decent children and can't resist harming others. She must have a criminal mindset herself. It's a shame you cannot divorce her and get full custody. To her you're a wallet with legs.

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Man. You know what's up. You are a mark. The victim of a con. You've been bamboozled. You know what the letters will say.

 

The question is what are you gonna do about it?

 

I agree to dna testing the kiddos. It sucks that she's made 4 innocent victims but that's what she did.

 

And agree with seeing an attorney.

 

Also recommend prep for backlash from wifey. A secret voice activated recorder in your pocket can be proof to the police that you didn't hit her when she lies about it. Scratch that. With your wife this should be on your to do first. It sounds like overreacting but it can save your life.

 

Also you may want to write this all down somewhere in sealed envelope and give it to someone you trust. It might be judgemental of me but repeat criminals might have friends that have gotten out that are just uncaught criminals. Should you disappear mysteriously.... well.

 

Don't worry about lies she tells to her family about you. Your character isn't in question. Hers is. Anyone who would do this to someone else is shady minimum. Or a monster. Good mom's don't do this kinda stuff. Imo.

 

A journal helped me when my wife cheated to see through her lies and bull****.

 

As far as her feelings? Well she felt it was okay to do this to you so.... Her feelings suck. And it sounds like all that nice loving stuff that you did to show her how much you loved her didn't mean much to her did it?

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I can't see why you want to stay with her. Are the children even yours? DNA test them if you're curious.

 

She likes bad boys. She likes jerks who are incapable of raising decent children and can't resist harming others. She must have a criminal mindset herself. It's a shame you cannot divorce her and get full custody. To her you're a wallet with legs.

 

I have had my suspicions before, but until I looked up his criminal history, I didn't have any real "evidence". I still don't, however I will take the advice given here and try to find the letters. The law is very clear, that unless I can get enough evidence to prove she is an unfit mother, she will get primary physical custody of the children. I have stayed because I have to protect my children. I have enough figured out to know that something went on, but not enough to prove in a court of law. She will NEVER just give up the kids, what I would have to pay in child support would be substantial. I feel trapped. I could really loose my kids, and once the divorce is finalized she is free to shack up with any fool she wants. As it is now, she doesn't think that I know. It really sucks.

 

 

She has never told me that she doesn't love me, her mother just recently let me know when we had another bad fight. She also is very concerned with her daughters behavior. Other people that might know, her siblings, friends, have never said anything to me, so either they don't know, or they have been covering for her.

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I bet taking the time to write your thread post also turned out be a bit of a voyage in self discovery by the time you finished it. Maybe ending this relationship on your terms when the other man isn't out and free and available for your wife might create the opportunity for her to re-evaluate her reality and her emotions. You deserve to have a loyal honest loving wife who respects and desires you for who you are. Someone who believes and demonstrates that you are her first choice. Unfortunately it sounds like this is not the case with your wife. There are a number of different ways to change your situation. You will receive alot of good advice here. And some advice that might not be useful or apply

to your situation. However, you won't be as alone in this as you were. I will suggest that turning to Christianity for help, guidance, and support can make a serious change in all of this. Especially if you are able to lead your wife to faith. There is hope thru Christ.

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People treat you like you let them. If you can't stand up for yourself that's the life you're going to get.

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She has never told me that she doesn't love me....

 

Well of course not. Why would she? She's not stupid. In fact, she's pretty savvy. She knows she has you in her pocket.

 

What do her actions tell you?

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Well, here's the rub....family courts ALWAYS favors women when it comes to custody. Even if you have recordings of her screwing this other guy, if the kids were in the house and she was laid up with the guy, then yeah. But if not then the children were never in jeopardy. When she left for a week, you were there to take care of the kids. So, she's not unfit. She writes this douche Rocket. Might be inappropriate for your marriage, but she's not being neglectful towards the kids. You would have to record her passed out with a heroin needle sticking out of her arm and kids running around her to prove she's an unfit mother. Anything less than that isn't going to work.

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I. The law is very clear, that unless I can get enough evidence to prove she is an unfit mother, she will get primary physical custody of the children. I have stayed because I have to protect my children.

 

 

Talk to a lawyer. The law says custody is determined by what is in the best interests of the children. Yes, it often defaults to all things being otherwise equal, mom gets the kids but that is not always the case. You protect your kids by fighting for them armed with accurate information. A lawyer may also be able to help you obtain a certified copy of this guy's criminal history.

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Talk to a lawyer. The law says custody is determined by what is in the best interests of the children. Yes, it often defaults to all things being otherwise equal, mom gets the kids but that is not always the case. You protect your kids by fighting for them armed with accurate information. A lawyer may also be able to help you obtain a certified copy of this guy's criminal history.

 

Yeah, this guy might have a criminal history, but he's locked up for the next 10 years, so no threat to his kids. Sorry, but he's going to have a hard time proving unfitness. But, if his kids are old enough, they can choose who they want to stay with.

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You don't want to divorce her because then she'd be free to shack up with any douche bag she wanted? But the douche bag she wants is in prison for the foreseeable future. Sure there are lots of others out there, but he is beyond a doubt the special douche bag. Given his repeated absences from her life, you must know that by staying you are setting yourself up for an unwinnable contest.

 

1. See a lawyer to learn what divorce and lost divorce would look like.

 

2. See a lawyer to learn how shacking up with a career criminal would impact custody.

 

3. Quit the tail-chasing logic you've been using. Which prevents action on your part to get out of infidelity. Yes. She's unfaithful even when he is locked up.

 

4. Learn when prison visiting days and hours are. Match those up with any absences. And check that prison calendar against any future announced intention to "travel to visit my gf/sister etc.".

 

4. Consider counseling to help figure out why you stay.

 

Sorry for the two x four hits, but you will end up crazy or dead if this doesn't end.

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Whatever you decide to do, you should build a solid case for divorce with as much supporting evidence as you can get.

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If he is her true love the letters will be stashed somewhere safe so she can read them whenever she's missing him. Find the letters, talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights. Get tested for all STD's.

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I have had my suspicions before, but until I looked up his criminal history, I didn't have any real "evidence". I still don't, however I will take the advice given here and try to find the letters. The law is very clear, that unless I can get enough evidence to prove she is an unfit mother, she will get primary physical custody of the children. I have stayed because I have to protect my children. I have enough figured out to know that something went on, but not enough to prove in a court of law. She will NEVER just give up the kids, what I would have to pay in child support would be substantial. I feel trapped. I could really loose my kids, and once the divorce is finalized she is free to shack up with any fool she wants. As it is now, she doesn't think that I know. It really sucks.

 

 

She has never told me that she doesn't love me, her mother just recently let me know when we had another bad fight. She also is very concerned with her daughters behavior. Other people that might know, her siblings, friends, have never said anything to me, so either they don't know, or they have been covering for her.

 

I don't know where you live but proving someone is "unfit" is a very, very high bar in most states. You should consider going for shared custody. You still might have to pay some child support but, generally, it's much less.

 

You are trapped because you have trapped yourself. At some point you will have to decide whether you can simply put up with her behavior and stay with her or that you can't and need to leave. These "reasons" you give for not divorcing are real but they are nothing that you can't handle.

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Darren Steez
Because of our kids getting a divorce without any real evidence could make me look like the bad guy.

 

So you want to get some hard evidence...then show it to the kids so you don't look like a bad guy?

 

How about your wife doesn't love or respect you? Seems a good enough reason to divorce.. I don't know it might not be..

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First thing I would do is speak to a lawyer. Know what you're dealing with if you choose to divorce.

 

If you see divorce as an option, you need to tell her flat out if she wants to stay married she needs to cut off all contact with the ex. She needs to call the prison in front of you and let them know she wishes to receive no letters from the inmate and if she doesn't agree then SHE can leave the house.

 

You are justified in telling her this because you are her husband. YOU. She can't have an affair (even if it's just via letters) and still be married to you.

 

Man this sucks. Sorry

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I feel that I am just the guy paying for her life, the father of her kids, and nothing more. That she really wants this other guy, and I am just a placeholder until he returns. She won't admit to anything, and gets very defensive whenever I bring anything up. Part of me just wants to act like nothing happened. Because of our kids getting a divorce without any real evidence could make me look like the bad guy. I love my kids more than anything. On the other hand, it hurts that she may not love me. She has never been affectionate. I thought that was just how she was. But it may be that her affection has belonged to this guy all along. We do have a regular sex life, but not much intimacy. I would love to hear a woman's perspective on this.

 

1st uncomfortable question, any of the kids born 8-10 months after one of these visits with the other guy? How sure are you that you are the father of all 4 kids? I mean this shouldn't change how you love the children but it might be the straw you need to break your back and take action.

 

Setting aside the above, you might consider taking action to set an example for your children. You might be a position to show them that your relationship with their mother is not what love is (based on what I think and what others have commented on so far). Clearly a divorce will hurt the children but this may be a case where the good outweighs the bad. Consider doing what is best for you and the kids (and leave her out of the consideration process).

 

If you stay, perhaps it is time to draw a line in the sand and discuss ceasing further contact with this other guy. Even if it is just an EA (highly doubt it), it is still disrespectful and hurtful to you. Is that the example she and you want to set to your children that it is ok to have an EA with someone other than your spouse?

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So many contradicting statements here in Post #1 of this thread. "We have a great relationship for the most part" contradicts with:

 

"She told her mother she only married me because I have a great job and treat her really well" (excuse my paraphrasing, I'm on my mobile)

 

"She walked out on me 7 years in" (and from reading the rest I take it that when she decided she wanted to return after your separation, you just took her back in)

 

"She went home to visit her family when her ex was on parole. When she came back we had our first big blow-out"

 

 

Basically there is NOTHING here that sounds like this is in any way even a decent relationship!

 

Cripes this thread is such an extremely sad read. OP, I would be surprised if ANY of your kids are your offspring. And we haven't really even gotten yet to how she considers her thug ex--a guy who keeps getting himself locked up--to be her love. The ONLY redeeming thing here is that the OP in writing this thread seems to be starting to realize how unacceptable his situation really is.

 

(Looking at a bigger picture from reading the threads on here, I'm not sure what's the bigger problem, what a poor job many men do in screening for a partner, OR the extremely substandard treatment too many guys are putting up with from women who hardly respect them. )

 

Please divorce your trainwreck of a wife, eric. This is no way for a man to live.

Edited by Imajerk17
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