New poster.. Trying to find out if husband of 20 yrs. Has cheated!

[Pixiedust1970]

This is a long story, I apologize in advance. I do hope someone will stick it out and have some advice to offer because I truly am at a loss!

 

My husband & I had both been married before. I married the gut who was my boyfriend all thru school, my middleschool & my highschool "sweetheart". However, after our son was born, he decided that he enjoyed sleeping around with as many different young women ad he could, and I would find out, be heart broken, but forgive him and make an attempt to move on. By the time I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I decided I would no longer live this circus and I filed for divorce! It was ugly and messy, but had completely calmed down within the 2 years it took for me to meet my current husband at my new job.

 

He was single, but I did find out that he had been married for about a year and divorced for nearly a year, with no children involved. He and I became close friends and enjoyed each other's company very much. Our relationship moved along very quickly and we were very taken with eachother! We were married in a little over a year and all was heavenly! I finally understood what true love really was! He treated me like a princess and my son as his very own. We never fought. We enjoyed pleasing the other, he made me feel so loved, wanted, needed, safe, warm.

 

Fast forward about 20 years. All had been well, with the occasional hiccup raising children, paying bills, taking care of running a home and family, but nothing out of the ordinary. We had a beautiful life, relationship, family,home.

 

Then he takes a new job in 2012. He will be much closer to home, less time away, we are excited! He is excited that once our children are older and he has to travel, I can go with him he goes on a few trips, I get the usual hugs & kissed goodbye, talk & Skype while he's gone, and huge bear hugs when he returns. But then somewhere along the way, the opportunities of me going with him have grown many excuses of why I wouldn't like it,, boring, etc. I have never been jealous or questioning, so I didn't think much of it. Until doing a load of laundry from a recent week away and I notice make smears on his pillow case, which he claims must be dirt..

 

No, it was mascara and blush! Then a month later when doing his laundry, I do his laundry in its own load with special detergent due to safety requirements, I turn his clothing inside out and I find his undies are soiled with dried white streaks, mind you he had not been home, we had not been intimate. I do ask him if he needs to *take care of businesses when he is away, but he says no. So, I become more vigilant watching his laundry when he returns from a business trip, and sure enough his undies will have dry messes in them! Around this same time our normal long, passionate about kisses have began petering out somewhat, we maintained an active sex life, but I was worrying.

 

Then 2015 he seemed withdrawn and even somewhat sullen, blaming it on work, being tired, etc. I still kept my findings & suspicions close and wrapped tight! I just observed. Summer of 2016 I saw scratches on his upper shoulder blades and asked if he was hurt, he ran to the bathroom mirror to look as he was obviously unaware. He told me a long nail did it that day at work.. Funny tho, his shirt didn't have a scratch or hole!

He does not go out to bars, he does not leave the house for any length of time, he doesn't pick fights and leave, or any of the usual routes. He is home every night, with the exception of business trips. I truly feel in my heart that sometime 2014-2015 he had an affair! I have no idea with who, or where, just based on his personality changes, the obvious makeup on his pillow, and glaring evidence in his undies! I did finally lay out my suspicion, and he denied any and all, and within days was becoming himself again, no more dirty underwear, no more scratches, etc.

 

But I worry, is he just being much more careful? He knows because of my first husband that I can not, nor will not tolerate, nor forgive infidelity. Am I being silly? 22 wonderful years is a great deal of time, love, commitment, building a life together to chance letting go if nothing happened, as he promised. But something in my gut screams that 2014-2015 something DID happen, and he will never tell me, I either have to let it go, or find out on my own.

 

I don't know where to even begin! Any suggestions?

Edited April 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somanymistakes]

If something did happen, but he ended it and it's over now, would it still be a dealbreaker for you? How about if there was a "partial" affair - some fooling around that didn't go as far as full sex? Would that make any difference?

 

I am NOT saying those things are true, obviously. But these things are important for you to think about before you dig deeper.

 

As for how to look for more information, especially on whether he's up to anything now, I suspect some people here will give you information on how to check his phone/computer for signs. Does he take his own car on any of these business trips or is he flying to random locations?

[NTV]

Have you heard of Dr fone? It's one of a number of applications that can recover data (like text messages) from a phone. Don't do it in front of him... maybe while he's sleeping?

 

You may also want to check bank records as it sounds like the evidence could just as easily be for a strip club as it could an affair.

 

What will you do if you don't find anything?

[harrybrown]

This can eat you up.

 

You can not live like this, it brings up the past.

 

will he take a polly?

[mikeylo]

This is no way of living. It's going to take away all joy out of life. A cheater lives his life ever day , leaving behind a BS to deal with everyday trauma which had nothing to do with them.

 

I just want to say that I'm sorry you are going through this. My BIL cheated on my sister.

[WilyWill]

If you suspect something is still going on, then consider putting a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in his car. This will capture any conversations he has over the phone.

 

If you have access to his phone bill, check for calls made to numbers you don't recognize.

 

Unfortunately, if the affair is over, it will be very difficult to find evidence. Often affairs are with co-workers, specifically subordinates in the case of a WH (wandering husband). Was there an attractive woman he traveled with or visited?

[Pixiedust1970]

Well, he has a company phone, so I can't look at those bills he cancelled his primary cell shortly after working there.. How very convenient AND clever as well!! Besides, he is very, very, very intelligent in areas of IT and all computer software, Him Placing hidden cheating apps on his cell would be equivalent to me preparing dinner for the family. I am techno illiterate and he knows that and am positive he even reveals I'm this fact!!

[Pixiedust1970]

Yes, full, semi, or simply partial.. I would walk, and he knows this! I put up with several rounds of infidelity in my 1st marriage and made it clear to him before we we married, in light of him cheating on his 1st wife, regardless of the reasons, that it is simple to avoid.. Easy to stop.. But if it goes all the way.. A total end of the game changer.

No fighting, no drama, no excuses, just good-bye! One year married, 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years, much worse, but none - the-less, "goodbye!! What's done, is done, can not be undone but life goes on!? I love my H more than air, I can not imagine life without him.. But if he has cheated on me, I have zero desire to hear his sap story of how it was an" accident", or "just happened".. Nope.. Not even want to hear such foolishness.

Best he can do is go find his cheap spanking and play house with her... Minus our home, minus our children, minus our lives!

[Pixiedust1970]

How do you even get I'm touch with someone to do a polly? I am very interested in this route!

[Mr. Lucky]

Absent any real evidence, he might simply refuse to take a poly. Most people would agree with him.

 

He travels with his own pillowcase?

 

Mr. Lucky

[flowergirl14]

Dig deeper! Why would he stop at just one affair? Possible but doubtful. Also, if he does travel I have heard of people hiring p.i.'s to follow them while they are out of town. They are probably the least likely to suspect anything. Also, he travels with his own pillowcase? Or was this from your home?

[viatori patuit]

Wow! Polligraphs, var's and phone snooping?

 

Why not just ask him? I have to tell you that were I in his shoes I would be pissed if my wife wanted me to take a pollygraph.

 

He may very well be cheating, but all the sneaking around is certain to piss him off if not. I would appreciate the directness. He might lie, but at least it shows you have trust in him.

[Pixiedust1970]

Wow! Polligraphs, var's and phone snooping?

 

Why not just ask him? I have to tell you that were I in his shoes I would be pissed if my wife wanted me to take a pollygraph.

 

He may very well be cheating, but all the sneaking around is certain to piss him off if not. I would appreciate the directness. He might lie, but at least it shows you have trust in him.

 

I have asked him and he has denied any type of affair, he denies ever having an EA, PA, or any sort of relationship another person at any point during the time we dated and/or have been married. I want to believe him, more than anything.

 

I am not a jealous person, nor is he. We have always trusted one another. The fact that my gut screamed at me something was amiss during that time period truly terrified me because in all of our years together, I had never thought, nor "felt" as tho he had been unfaithful.

 

The pillowcase, yes, he use to take his own pillow on trips, whether we went on vacation or he went on a business trip, he always took his own pillow for comfort. Odd thing tho, every since the time his pillowcase had the smeared makeup on it he has never taken it away with him again. When I showed him the smears, and questioned him about it, he said it must have been from me. I could've believed that-had it not been for the fact that I put a fresh, clean case on it immediately before he packed it and that was very early in the morning, long before I even touched my makeup bag. Then he said it must've just got dirty in his vehicle, only A) he keeps his vehicle insanely immaculate and B) it was not dirt, it was smeared mascara and either blush or foundation! Anyway, him never taking his pillow with him again makes it seem even more strange. Much like when I noticed the dried white places in his underwear, it didn't worry me initially, until I noticed that it was occurring at times that he was away from home and/or times we had not been intimate. I waited & observed for a few months before I mentioned this and did not do so in an accusatory manner. I even gave him the chance to place it on masturbation, he denied that tho. He said he had no idea what was causing the dried white streaks in his undies, said maybe he was just leaking something. Then boom! After months of the underwear having those smears, it suddenly just stopped, totally stopped, with the exception of a bit here & there when we had been intimate. Really? Just completely stops, just never packs his pillow again after doing so for years & years?

 

There were many, many other scenarios that were just out of character for him. Like I mentioned before, it was close to 2 years that my intuition screamed and odd things would sort of stand out, but he denied cheating and other than a laundry list of things similar to the above, I had/have no proof. He is 100% himself again. Whatever/whoever happened during that 2 year span will probably die with him. I just wish I could either discover or let it go! As far as he knows, I am fine, I believe him that he has never been unfaithful, but my mind, heart, and soul knows better.

[viatori patuit]

That information is a bit more concerning. If he was having an affair I would expect him to deny it. Still, I would hope my spouse would give me the honor of asking if she suspected. That being said, to my everlasting shame I have cheated once before. And I am not so sure I would have told her the truth. I suppose the bigger difference here is I quickly ended the relationship when I realized it was done.

 

 

The fact that the suspicious behavior you brought to him suddenly stopped is a lot more concerning. I would say it is time to deploy more intrusive measures. Since you pack for him anyway, I suggest starting with a simple gps tracking device in his bag that you can see on your phone. His behavior merits further examination, but remember you could still be wrong. At this point I would still be in trust but verify mode.

 

Once I had concrete evidence of something amiss I would probably go further. The cheating thing is insidious, and I suspect he will make a bunch of mistakes before long.

 

One other though- can you check his credit card and bank statements? No woman is going to do something with a man who is not spending at least some money on her.

[merrmeade]

My husband had an affair and wasn't giving me the full story, so I gathered together every bit of information that recreated his life during the three years he was involved with someone else. It's been mentioned to you twice, but it's true. You can recreate a person's activities with enough phone and account statements. You can get it online. THink of all the credit cards he uses besides the bank card.

 

Then check the phone records - numbers that come up a lot in calls and in text messages.

 

I agree that you need to bring this to a head and go one way or another. I think getting all the information you can is the way I would go. You could do it in just a few days. Then you either do or you don't have something concrete to show to him to ask for a lie detector test. And don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. If someone isn't trustworthy, you don't need to feel bad about not trusting after you've proven the duplicity. I don't even think you have to apologize if you don't prove it, but unfortunately I think you will. Sorry you have to go through this.

[GoldenR]

So did he steal a pillowcase from the hotel?

[elaine567]

Cheaters will lie and lie and lie and any info proffered by the wife will just result in him learning to cover his tracks better, so the last thing she needs to do is keep informing him of what she has found out and asking him IF he is cheating...

 

She needs to keep her mouth shut and lull him into a false sense of security and keep her eyes and ears open, until she has irrefutable evidence.

Laying out all the non-concrete evidence for him to just deny, was a huge mistake. First line in the cheater's handbook deny, deny, deny.

 

Here she probably needs to hire a PI if she cannot convince herself he is cheating. She doesn't need to convince him, he already knows he is cheating, just herself.

 

He has cheated before, he will already know many tricks.

 

I think the smeared make-up on the "special" pillow case and the white underwear stains, is quite damning in light of his history, so I am not sure what else needs to be said.

 

If his credit accounts and phone records are clear, then start looking for a burner phone, spare laptop, tablet etc. Look around your home for hiding places, in the garage/workshop, in the garden, in the garden shed, in his car, anywhere he spends a lot of time alone and where he can stash the phone, etc. and make sneaky calls/texts to his OW.

Look in his work bags too. He may keep everything at work, but he may not feel very safe doing that in case someone at work finds it, so at home or in his car may be the best place, all things considered...

[sandylee1]

I do wonder why you tipped him off about the pillowcase and the underwear ... You should have left it and seen if it happened again.

 

I reckon he stopped the pillowcase thing, because he knew it would have make up on it.

 

Try covert surveillance with a P. I while he's away if you can afford it.

[Mumbles]

I don't know. What have we got here?

 

- 1x Unmistakable smudges on a pillow case

- multiple 'white smears' in underwear

- Accompaniment on work trips has gone cold.

- Suspicious scratches on husbands shoulder.

 

This over the course of what about 3-4 years?

 

First up, I've got to wonder about the smears in the underpants. Whats going on there? He's 'cumming' in his pants?

 

I tell you what, just as I wrote that, thinking, how could that happen, the thought that comes to mind is ... strip clubs. That could explain the cummy underpants and the one-time scratch.

 

I would probably write off the scratch thing though. I've come back from the gym with my shoulders covered in scratches if the barbell didn't have proper padding. It could be anything and won't necessarily leave holes in clothes. I mean yes, sure, it could be fingernails, long and luscious, but honestly ...which takes me on to:

 

Something smells not quite right to me, from a 'cheating' perspective. Over that period of time I'd expect either a -lot- more evidence .. or none. If he's fastidious, you'd not see any sign of anything, he's clean up carefully, and if he wasn't like that then you'd have got up close and personal to a lot more sticky underpants than just a few times.

 

In my mind then, it just leaves the work trips. Initial excitement at taking you, now not really interested.

 

Ok, if its playing on your mind, and it obviously is, insist. Just tell him you're coming. There doesn't need to be a reason, you're married, you want to accompany him - why not? My wife comes with me when I travel, but she doesn't wait for an invitation, she just comes.

 

By the by, I didn't catch it from the thread so far, is hubby travelling to the same place every trip or is he going all over? How often?

[Mumbles]

I think the smeared make-up on the "special" pillow case and the white underwear stains, is quite damning in light of his history, so I am not sure what else needs to be said.

 

Yeah, but the thing is - surely.... surely, if you brought a women back to your hotel room you'd put away the wifes 'special pillow'? For exactly the reason that you might mess it up. Or even if you did your dirty business and realised the next morning that the pillow was there ... you'd check it for evidence of bodily fluids? Yes? surely?

 

I mean sure, some people don't see detail - I do, I'm a huge details guy, but, for those who aren't, you're going to see a -lot- of evidence from that personality type.

[Pixiedust1970]

So much to offer Here for pregnant mommy's and children.. I t

[road]

So much to offer Here for pregnant mommy's and children.. I t

 

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