Always going to be triggers

[dichotomy]

Maybe other BS's fully reconcile - but there will never be anyway for me to avoid triggers for forget what happened over a decade ago.

 

10 years.

 

A few triggers in a row in the last couple of days. A few her fault, some from others. Nothing I could discuss with her without an argument. She is happy lately so she is oblivious.

 

If we stay married till death do us part - there will always be something missing between us. Yes there are other things that are good and bind us - kids, home, security, travel, normal life things - but their will be this void - and because of our low sex marriage its even more.

 

Sorry to be a bummer just having a low period again in our marriage, and particularly last couple of days for me. Just needed to vent and whip out my coping skills.

[harrybrown]

so sorry.

 

you can't talk to her about it?

 

Is she remorseful? Do you have all the information on the A?

 

Does she know about the wall between you two??

[Lovetoo]

What type of things trigger you? Is there a way for you to redefine them in your mind?

[drifter777]

You've been dealing with all this crap for 10 years and you know this too will pass. You'll find a way to stuff it all into a dark corner of your mind and just tough it out.

 

You know this is never going to end, right?

[Dub]

This is why I don't get why people stay...(especially men) why put yourself through this? I have read so many stories of guys struggling along years down the road while their wives think the marriage is healed and everything is okay again, just don't see why some put themselves through it.

[WilyWill]

So she was high-sex with multiple other men and is now low-sex with you, even when she knows she wronged you. And she's oblivious about the whole thing.

 

Sorry, but why are you still married to her?

Edited April 1, 2017 by WilyWill

[dichotomy]

So she was high-sex with multiple other men and is now low-sex with you, even when she knows she wronged you. And she's oblivious about the whole thing.

 

Sorry, but why are you still married to her?

 

 

Younger child would be negatively affected is one of the main reasons.

 

But perhaps more broadly when ever i picture what happens if I divorced - I can see my "alternate life" very clearly and I see more unhappiness than I can handle. So I stay with the unhappiness I can handle.

[dichotomy]

You've been dealing with all this crap for 10 years and you know this too will pass. You'll find a way to stuff it all into a dark corner of your mind and just tough it out.

 

You know this is never going to end, right?

 

 

Ya - you got it (and me).

 

Any marriage goes though ups and downs. Last year has been one of the downs.

[dichotomy]

so sorry.

 

you can't talk to her about it?

 

Is she remorseful? Do you have all the information on the A?

 

Does she know about the wall between you two??

 

 

Not really - perhaps the low sex would be an easier thing to point out as we are at the lowest of our entire marriage the last 8 month, but not the triggers recently about herself or related to her cheating.

 

She had a brief period of mild remorse (finally) about 5 years ago in the midst of couples therapy. She is not a person who lives in the past or with regrets.

 

She does a little .... but often believes its "just me" or for any number of reasons OTHER then her EA and lies 10 years ago, or the low sex issue. Example she thinks it medical, or my job stress, or a messy home, or something other than the core issues of her affairs and the low sex marriage.

[dichotomy]

What type of things trigger you?

 

Is there a way for you to redefine them in your mind?

 

 

Recently

 

1) she shared a MEME on Facebook about the common belief of "live life with no regrets". It was a long meme that included something along the lines "no wrong choices it made me who I am" BS. Honestly this is her. She lives life in the moment and does not hang on to things - even when she has experienced some bad things done to her or horrible losses like death of loved ones - she grieves very briefly and then moves on. In someways this is very healthy - in other ways this (dont look back and regret) lets herself off the hook for her own bad choices in life that hurt herself and others.

 

2)She was recently out of town at conference and at a fun bar having drinks (completely innocent) and posted it on FB "wonderful bar and drinks". An old GF (who was tied to her old affair) suddenly posted "is it like "Alex's Bar ?" Alex's bar of course is where my wife used to get wild and met many men in the day. Wife replied "no no - a very different bar"..she did not like the comment. But of course this old GF and the mention of the bar name just triggered me.

 

3) Lastly We are also at the lowest of our low sex life in the last year. Some of it is excusable by modest medical issues my wife has had, most of it is not and she is avoiding making efforts to create time or space of us to try reconnect sexually.

 

Redefine how I feel about them them - yes this is part of my work and you are very smart to ask ....so.., 1) Just a meme about her belief system - I am sure she did not specifically mean her EA or lieing to me and its been 10 years 2) She did not mention Alex's bar, nor did she like her old GF's post - just a rare post from an old GF. 3) Despite therapy on our low sex life, I dont think she avoids it to be mean, just no longer a priority for her especially when he has a mild medical issue as of late. She really feels she loves me and she is a better wife and partner to me overall then 10 years ago (except sex).

Edited April 1, 2017 by dichotomy

[DKT3]

It's a life sentence. Sadly even with divorce you don't find much release from the triggers, bad dreams, and so on.

 

We are also a decade past and a couple weeks ago a had a bad dream and woke up pissed off at her. On the bright side, in the past that would have impacted me for days or weeks, now just a few minutes.

 

I wish it was gone and I never had any thoughts on the subject....Then again in the fallout, I have really improved my relationship with my kids, changed my priorities.

 

I'm sorry you're stuggling, but honestly divorce isn't as bad in reality as it is in theory.

[dichotomy]

It's a life sentence. Sadly even with divorce you don't find much release from the triggers, bad dreams, and so on.

 

We are also a decade past and a couple weeks ago a had a bad dream and woke up pissed off at her. On the bright side, in the past that would have impacted me for days or weeks, now just a few minutes.

 

I wish it was gone and I never had any thoughts on the subject....Then again in the fallout, I have really improved my relationship with my kids, changed my priorities.

 

I'm sorry you're stuggling, but honestly divorce isn't as bad in reality as it is in theory.

 

 

Thank you for your empathy. I know you get it. I have read your story and posts here many times. I know you divorced for a time.

 

You will just have to trust me - in my case - I know it would be a bad change in life.

 

My marriage has been tough , but there have been ups and downs like any marriage. Its just a bad year right now. I suspect and have a feeling things might pick up again soon. I really appreciate the words of you and others here. Just venting a bit.

Edited April 1, 2017 by dichotomy

[BluesPower]

dichotomy...

 

I have not read your whole story, I will look. But let me agree with DTK3 about this. Divorce is not as bad as you think it is, it is just scary.

 

You sound scared and trapped. First off, kids adjust, it is just a fact. So really you need to get over your fear with that.

 

And look, think about this, she can have a high sex drive and screw everyone else in town, but not with you? How can you live like that? Why would you live like that? Why?

 

You are to scared to talk to her, really talk to her, about the low/no sex. Again, why?

 

And dude, if you are over weight and not taking care of yourself, change that for you. It will make you feel better.

 

If you got your confidence back, and started feeling good about yourself, your fears about divorcing would change.

 

Let me relate some of my recent experiences, and I think I am older (52) but not sure.

 

I lost some weight and got my head on straight as I was ready to divorce. Started dating, and honestly I have met some really, really nice women. Slept with most of them, and I am still going strong. I have a date tonight with a really sweet, pretty and sexy 39 year old, and I am just going to bang her brains out tonight.

 

I know she is a little young but she really came on strong so I am going to give her a chance.

 

The thing is, I almost never think about my wife's affairs or the other worse sh** that she did to me. The worst thing is actually never loving me, but there was a ton of other stuff.

 

I always thought that I was doing the right thing, staying married, taking care of everyone, including her ass. Then one day I just woke up and realized I was a fool, a complete fool.

 

My kids are fine, Oh she really loves me now, not, and wants me back of course. WTF???

 

I looked at her and told her, "you really are crazy if you ever think you have a chance with me again." Why would I even think about it? And we never had a low/no sex period. If she had been that stupid I would have left 15 years ago.

 

As unhappy as you are, and let's be real, you are miserable, why let fear keep you trapped in a marriage like this, with this woman. I get that you love her, no man ever loved a woman more that I loved mine, but at some point you have to find happiness. I promise that it is out there if you have the courage to find it.

 

I hope that you will...

[WilyWill]

"Live life with no regrets" is one of those notions that has mass appeal in an increasingly self-indulgent, unaccountable culture. People gravitate towards these notions because feeling bad or taking responsibility is an inconvenience. It's so much easier to pat yourself of the back right now and buy your virtue on credit.

 

Frankly, I've never seen anything "healthy" about this attitude. For someone who is wracked with guilt about running over a squirrel in 1978, sure. But for someone who wants to develop healthy, unselfish relationships with other people, you'd better work on what you're doing wrong instead of posting more incisive clichés on Facebook. Your wife wronged you in a way that will hurt you for the rest of your life. She sure as hell better learn to regret it at some point.

 

Right now she's in control of the relationship because you let her be the sexual gatekeeper. If I were you, I'd start a soft 180 and mentally withdraw from intimate thoughts about her. Let her understand that you can live a healthy life without her and that she'd better start giving you reasons to stay.

[road]

Recently

 

1) she shared a MEME on Facebook about the common belief of "live life with no regrets". It was a long meme that included something along the lines "no wrong choices it made me who I am" BS. Honestly this is her. She lives life in the moment and does not hang on to things - even when she has experienced some bad things done to her or horrible losses like death of loved ones - she grieves very briefly and then moves on. In someways this is very healthy - in other ways this (dont look back and regret) lets herself off the hook for her own bad choices in life that hurt herself and others.

 

2)She was recently out of town at conference and at a fun bar having drinks (completely innocent) and posted it on FB "wonderful bar and drinks". An old GF (who was tied to her old affair) suddenly posted "is it like "Alex's Bar ?" Alex's bar of course is where my wife used to get wild and met many men in the day. Wife replied "no no - a very different bar"..she did not like the comment. But of course this old GF and the mention of the bar name just triggered me.

 

3) Lastly We are also at the lowest of our low sex life in the last year. Some of it is excusable by modest medical issues my wife has had, most of it is not and she is avoiding making efforts to create time or space of us to try reconnect sexually.

 

Redefine how I feel about them them - yes this is part of my work and you are very smart to ask ....so.., 1) Just a meme about her belief system - I am sure she did not specifically mean her EA or lieing to me and its been 10 years 2) She did not mention Alex's bar, nor did she like her old GF's post - just a rare post from an old GF. 3) Despite therapy on our low sex life, I dont think she avoids it to be mean, just no longer a priority for her especially when he has a mild medical issue as of late. She really feels she loves me and she is a better wife and partner to me overall then 10 years ago (except sex).

 

Reasons to not finish healing:

 

 

WW has not cut out toxic friends the knew and or knew and supported

her affairs.

 

 

You not addressing her meme and no regrets with her, time is to

talk not to keep it in.

 

 

Sex lacking, time to tell WW she had no problem putting out for her

OM time for her to put out for you.

 

 

WW needs to change her job to where there is no more over night

travel. There is no way a BH can not be paranoid with her staying

in hotels drinking in bars. Time to talk about this is now.

 

 

You accepted WW doing a little, not even the bare minimum to

recover from the affair. Time to tell WW this.

 

 

With all of the above a BH mind will never rest. Triggers will happen

too often and last too long. Time to tell WW this.

[dichotomy]

Thanks for looking out for me folks. I know you want whats best for me. I cant say I dont give some similar advice to others here.

 

I did the 180, get in shape, Athol Kay thing several years ago. It worked for a while (year or two) but did not last. During this time - and occasionally a few times a year afterwards - the sex is very nice (B+ grade).

 

I have talked to her - and took her to 9-12 months of therapy with a sex therapist. The therapist gave her an earful at the end (chewed her out in a professional way). Sex got better for a while - a year or so

 

She has abandoned going to her home town for over 8 years now - as that was where OM was (along with many other FB's and he BGF). She cried many times over not going - but after a while said "its not healthy for me or our marriage to go back there". This includes not attending a friends funeral. She accepted this. NC is NC.

 

She has changed in many ways - and we have been though alot. I dont talk about our blended family issues here on this board - but we made it thought some very bad times with her ex and kids - we came out better and healthier as a blended family. In a sense this was a major achievement for me - stable stepkids good home now. She also was not the best partner in general when we married (money, homecare, general stuff)- she is very much and equal or more in those areas (except sex) now. She even takes me on vacations now - pays for the whole thing. She does amazing things with or kids, and works hard at our family an home. This was another accomplishment and one that I value.

 

She did for about 6-12 months during therapy 6 years ago finally admit her "wrong doing and unhealthy views". She was sorry - but again - even when a good friend dies - she is unhappy for a week or two then its gone. So I can't expect her nature to carry on being sorry for her EA and lies and betrayals for a long time.

 

My view on her issues with sex and me is this - she is a "closet poly" and no one man (certainly not a stable committed one) would keep her sexually driven for long. Nothing wrong with this type of person - she just did not understand her self fully - or she could not reconcile her need and want for a stable secure marriage with her need for others.

 

She has been faithful, respectful, and no Contact for over 9 years now.

 

If we divorce - the home is lost, we can't stay in our amazing picturesque community (were I am a community leader) and we both end up in apartments in lower standard towns. My younger children loose the fine schools and town, their friends, activities, parks, beach. I lose 35% of my income and fight with my wife over custody and visitation. Maybe my wife goes back to being Poly with FWB's or even reconnecting with her MM - exposing our bio kids to this crap (like she did her own kids). Also we are 10-12 years away from retirement and paying off the home - so their goes a nice stable retirement. For what? the chance to have occasional hot sex with some divorced 40 something women ? No.

 

Except for sex - we both enjoy similar things and life styles.

 

However I am considering this summer asking her to go back into therapy with that great female therapist again to get back to work on our sex life.

[road]

 

Except for sex - we both enjoy similar things and life styles.

 

However I am considering this summer asking her to go back into therapy with that great female therapist again to get back to work on our sex life.

 

Why wait for the summer? Ask her now. Sell the idea of having a

great summer having great sex.

 

 

Back in the 1960's and 70's Ann Landers would advise on divorce

by saying would your life be better off with your WS or worse as

one's guide to choose recovery or divorce.

 

 

I see that there is NC, and so much for you to lose that I would be

hesitant to go the divorce route.

[drifter777]

Here's the thing - and it haunts me too - no BH who chose divorce ever regrets his decision. Even Dkt3 - and he ended up re-marrying his WW. But I still can't do it.

 

I have many of the same bull$hit reasons for staying as you do. If I'm still alive 11 years from now when my grandson graduates high school things will be different but I won't try to predict anything.

 

One thing I can say is that little-by-little I'm making my own, separate life without having to leave. I do activities with the boy and just leave grandma out of most things. I'm going to keep trying to cut her out of my life until one of us dies.

[Marc878]

Most Betrayed live with what they know. Even though it's bad it's a known. The unknown is too much anxiety even though from an outsider looking in it would be better. So most stay. Afraid to take that step.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. The triggers you mention in the opening post aren't just about sex.

 

I have to ask why you keep a marriage together that has triggers, still lacks trust, isn't filled with joy and isn't filled with emotional and sexual intimacy?

 

You mention your home in a lovely area. Life is short and to me no bricks and mortar could ever be more important to me than a good marriage to someone I trust with my life.

 

I read a lot of these threads and very few of the reconciliation couples ever seem happy and content after the A. Even years and years on there is still doubt, lingering suspicion and lack of complete trust ( even if it's sporadically ) which wouldn't exist in a marriage that hadn't been damaged by an affair.

 

I don't have any answers for you. If it's a house in a postcard hamlet that's keeping you, maybe there is more to life than what amounts to a material possession. I hope things get better for you. Sending love and light your way.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Here's the thing - and it haunts me too - no BH who chose divorce ever regrets his decision. Even Dkt3 - and he ended up re-marrying his WW. But I still can't do it.

 

I have many of the same bull$hit reasons for staying as you do. If I'm still alive 11 years from now when my grandson graduates high school things will be different but I won't try to predict anything.

 

One thing I can say is that little-by-little I'm making my own, separate life without having to leave. I do activities with the boy and just leave grandma out of most things. I'm going to keep trying to cut her out of my life until one of us dies.

 

This makes me so sad. Is the way you are living now really better than divorce?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Sorry just to add.. the reason to divorce isn't just for a chance to have sex with a hot 40 something. It's to live an authentic, honest life, to be happy, to not model to your children that staying in an unhealthy,unhappy marriage with a spouse that cheated on you and emotionally abused you is an ok thing to do, and that money isn't a good reason to stay. You give more than 35% of your "income" to her, the house, and the children now, and I'm sure you assist with the stepchildren too if only indirectly (roof over their heads, food etc)

[todreaminblue]

i have been separated dichotomy from my ex who had an affair and chose to leave for ten years......he stayed with the affair partner for ten years..they broke up after ten ..we were together fifteen..and now is back in my life pretty full on contact...missing being with me..im not with anyone....and he knows how to charm me....soften me.....

 

in another thread i wrote about the damage done by wayward spouses and how i feel it should be defined as defined abuse......and it is.....it has lasting effects.....traumatic effects....i have truly forgiven him ..both my exes in factand i live with the consequences of them cheating....in more ways than one..triggers are there they breathe life into my fear every day...i only have to look at my oldest son..........like posts on here trigger memories......and seeing i do ......

 

 

i cannot forget.....i can forgive because i dont want to hold onto ugliness.....i see and feel enough ugliness in the world around me without holding on to it myself...i honestly think fro me to go back to my ex who left my family....more so even than me......would be detrimental to my mental health let alone my spirit..... i dont know if i would survive the inevitable distrust and triggers.....if ect cant get rid of my memory and triggers i doubt i am ever going to forget unless I get alzheimers.....maybe i am weak.....because i just cant get over it enough to go back...it actually....really depresses me i feel bad .....for him now he is alone and being so .....affectionate and loving towards me ......it is confusing me ...........

 

i respect your bravery in persisting........your determination to work through it...i hope one day all of a sudden..... she wakes up and realizes just how much she should appreciate your forgiveness and efforts and give you the time in the bedroom you deserve as a faithful husband who stayed.............and i feel for you.

 

 

you are a lot stronger than i could ever be...i would be a mess.....i am sort of a mess now and i havent even gone back..just contemplating and feeling ..daily phone calls twice or more a day......feeling a certain obligation...we have three girls and we are friends............but the thought of going back there and trying......fills me with...dread..and i am a trier.....maybe thats where the confusion comes in,...i feel like a different person now.........i wish you nothing but the best with you and yours...i hope your situation changes to one where staying ...makes you happy..............deb

Edited April 2, 2017 by todreaminblue

[road]

Here's the thing - and it haunts me too - no BH who chose divorce ever regrets his decision. Even Dkt3 - and he ended up re-marrying his WW. But I still can't do it.

 

I have many of the same bull$hit reasons for staying as you do. If I'm still alive 11 years from now when my grandson graduates high school things will be different but I won't try to predict anything.

 

One thing I can say is that little-by-little I'm making my own, separate life without having to leave. I do activities with the boy and just leave grandma out of most things. I'm going to keep trying to cut her out of my life until one of us dies.

 

Does your WW not see this happening?

What is her response?

[dichotomy]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. The triggers you mention in the opening post aren't just about sex.

 

I have to ask why you keep a marriage together that has triggers, still lacks trust, isn't filled with joy and isn't filled with emotional and sexual intimacy?

 

You mention your home in a lovely area. Life is short and to me no bricks and mortar could ever be more important to me than a good marriage to someone I trust with my life.

 

I read a lot of these threads and very few of the reconciliation couples ever seem happy and content after the A. Even years and years on there is still doubt, lingering suspicion and lack of complete trust ( even if it's sporadically ) which wouldn't exist in a marriage that hadn't been damaged by an affair.

 

I don't have any answers for you. If it's a house in a postcard hamlet that's keeping you, maybe there is more to life than what amounts to a material possession. I hope things get better for you. Sending love and light your way.

 

 

Thank you.

 

It would be hard to describe the emotional attachment I have to my tiny little town. Its like some kind of little paradise in the USA - Norman Rockwell. People leave their doors unlocked (car and home). Bikes are left unchained at the local market. I have also been a community leader and local politician here for years. I have been the leader of building of a court house and police station, stores, roads, bike and pedestrian paths. I walk around town with my kids and they see all I have done - there is even a plaque with my name on it in town. People see me around town and smile and thank me for my service ask me to help solve more things - and I do it. I am respected and admired - perhaps loved ? Again its a very special place. I want my ashes spread on the beach. Its also somewhat pricey to live here - I had the among the smallest homes in town because its all I could afford - but over the years I have added on to my home - added space's customized it to my use. All this would be lost if we divorce. Again - I end an apartment or maybe basic condo in a different town with no connection.

 

My marriage was very rocky at first - stepkids were emotional mess, my wife's ex was psychotic who ignored laws and caused tears. I fixed all that - all of it. My wife did not know how to be a good partner, take care of home, manage her money - all of that got fixed. The cheating and lies stopped, she became respectful and better with money and taking care of home and kids. She and I like mostly the same things - movies, music, tavel, food. We like just hanging together. She went though a difficult medical process to give me biological kids (I love my step kids) and its been so wonderful to come home each day to "daddy! Daddy!" after a hard days work. MY kids make me drawings showing me as a superhero or with hearts on it. When they cry at night - I am able to run down the hall and climb into bed with them until they fall back asleep. I have minor health issues -as does my mife (we are in 50's) and when sick or in the hospital my wife is worried and cares for me.

 

So I divorce - and come home to an empty apartment most days and check my match.com hoping to meet someone ? I remember being single - lots of strange women and games out there. I am not going to find some woman who went wild and maybe did all the things my wife did - and more? Going to find a woman who likes the same life style ? does not have ex'husband, money issues, kids who might not like me, etc. Start over in my 50's - afford another home in a new town, start over, save money when I have 10-12 years before being able to retire? We all know any marriage is sometimes tough and often maintaining sex is challenging.

 

So right now -10 years later - I still have some trust issues, still have occasional triggers, and the major issue is a low sex life (or no sex right now). It hurts sometimes, but I have been able to overcome so much else with my wife, with my life. So I just cope that perhaps on a deep intimacy and sex standpoint - there is a loss. But I do have much other things as part of this life.

Edited April 2, 2017 by dichotomy