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Here we go again


LedHead21

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I don't know where to even start because In writing this I feel I've already lost. I'm looking for some advice on making a move or staying put.

 

I'll start with my backstory, I'm engaged to the love of my life. I got divorced two years ago after a 10 year relationship with a man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, but after multiple affairs, constant lies, and multiple attempts at sexual addiction counseling, I walked away before I lost myself completely. We have two beautiful children together and luckily maintain a great co-parenting relationship. My Current SO started as a neighbor, which then grew into a friendship. When him and I moved into the apartment complex, we were both coming out of relationships. We stayed friends through multiple failed attempts at dating other people, I even tried setting him up on dates with my single friends. Then one day it all just clicked and we became romantically involved. We had been there for eachother through the darkest of days and when we finally became lovers everything felt right. It felt organic, and freeing. Easing him into my children's life was so easy because they already knew him and loved him. Things moved slow for the first six months and then we jumped right in, decided to get a house, we got engaged and starting trying to have a baby. Actual bliss is what I felt, and before that I realized I've never been in love like this. He makes me feel like anything is possible, and when things get tough he is my calm. My family loves him, my kids love him and on Valentine's Day of this year we had our first daughter.

 

So here's the dilemma(s)... he has an ex. he had been split from her for almost a year when him and I started dating. I've even met her when we were just friends and they both made it very clear that they were just friends. I had no problems with that, as long as he made it clear that we were in a relationship. Well that didn't happen, so when him and I moved in together, she flipped out. But when we announced we were going to have a baby she lost it. I was under the impression that she was out of the picture after that..what a fool I was. She popped back up throughout my pregnancy and slowly I started to lose those amazing feelings I had towards him. He's gone so far as downloading apps to text her, and the final straw was in Dec when he met up with her to "talk about where they went wrong" the only reason I found out was because she called him from a random number when he was sleeping late at night, so that prompted me to look at his cell activity, then the emails. He went so far as to save her address in her phone and look up rights of a baby as the father. My world came crashing down, he was leaving me, or so it seemed. I was pretty far along and dealing with the stress of being a waitress and on my feet all day, then this happened and all of The worst fears came to my mind, and honestly if it weren't for being pregnant I would've ran for the hills right then and there. We reconciled and he text her telling her that he didn't need to have anymore contact what so ever anymore and that he loved me...blah blah blah. He blocked her on everything he could and even changed his phone settings to where he couldn't delete history or even visit some sites. This made me feel hopeful, because I didn't ask him to do any of this but he knew I had one foot out the door. Fast forward one month...I'm on high alert. I've been here before with the lying and cheating so sadly I know what to look for. One day I was looking at his emails and he had sent a text to an app's help email asking why there weren't matches in his area. The app was called Pure and it's for random discreet hookups. I asked him what it was and like usual he denied until finally admitting. That he got on it purely for sexual thrill, he had no intentions of actually using it. The sad part is, my ex husband did the same crap and used the same excuses so I'm not buying it but what the hell am I supposed to do? Two weeks later I delivered our sweet baby girl and luckily my mind and heart have been with her and taking care of her. Things seemed to naturally be getting better. We've always had an overly health sex life, we're both pretty adventurous so getting back into the groove of things after I gave birth was effortless. I started back at work this week and he started a night shift so we've been grasping what little time we have together this last week while being new parents. It hasn't been easy, to say the least. Friday morning I felt as though something was off with him and the part of me that doesn't want my family to fall apart all over again became paranoid. I looked at his cell log online and low and behold there was a google email verification text. I knew something was wrong right away because he doesn't have gmail. I went on about my day, fearing the worst but trying to stay positive and shrug it off. Until the next morning, I woke up to him standing over me asking me why I downloaded snapchat. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I've never given him a single reason to doubt my loyalty. I asked for his phone, went into the messages and realized Quickly that he had deleted the text from google. I asked him why he was hiding the fact that he had set up a secret email. He denied and made up stories for a good hour as I got ready for work. Then he finally admitted that he downloaded the kik app to video chat with someone he found on Reddit. That was it, the last straw. We literally have sex on average 9 times a week..there's no reason for him to feel unsatified. If I don't have time for full on sex, I will gladly give him oral because I want him to feel desired and happy. Because after all,if he's not happy then I'm not happy. He said to me that maybe it's his way of subconsciously telling me he's not ready to be married, that maybe he's a sociopath, that maybe he was exposed to sexual content way too early in life. I don't care one bit if he watches porn so he can't use that as an excuse. I feel like I'm right back where I was in my last relationship, like I attract sexual addicts because my dad cheated on my mom all the time. I don't want to stay and lose myself all over again. But I don't want to go down this road again.

 

I need help, I can't talk to anyone about this because it would destroy their image of him like it did when I finally left my ex. Am I stupid for even believing him the first time his indiscretions came out? Or am I overreacting? These are things that my ex did 2 years into our relationship so I'm scared that it's already happening.

 

Thank you for your patience in reading this, and in advance for any advice.

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ouch.

 

he is not being honest with you.

 

He is cheating.

 

you can't rugsweep this. time to have a meeting with a counselor.

 

If he can not develop healthy boundaries, it is time for him to pay child support and alimony.

 

Will he go to counseling with you? if not time to see your attorney.

 

Take good care of your baby. Hope you can get some rest.

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He said to me that maybe it's his way of subconsciously telling me he's not ready to be married, that maybe he's a sociopath, that maybe he was exposed to sexual content way too early in life.

 

Or maybe he's just a selfish, shallow, unbelievably inconsiderate jerk :confused: ???

 

Unfortunately LedHead21, you know the drill. Chances are he's already hooking up if he's using Kik and trolling Reddit, both are pro tools when it comes to cheating. Sorry you find yourself here, take care of yourself and your baby...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Jersey born raised

Why did he agree? I suggest IC for yourself is a better option. Perhaps you "picker" is broken.

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RecentChange

He's cheating. Period. Kik? Yeah he is trolling for some NSA.

 

Sorry to kick someone when they are down - but I am sure you have heard the term only fools rush in.

 

You got pregnant during the limerence phase. You never got a chance to really know him, this was a rebound relationship for both of you.

 

Do you want to live your life like this? Always checking. Always uncertain. That horrible feeling in your gut? That raised cortisol from all of the stress?

 

You won't be able to trust him - he was cheating right off the bat. It's not like you all hit a rough patch 10 years deep, this has been from essentially the start..... But all those love hormones, the limerence, the rose colored glasses clouded your vision.

 

I don't see much hope for a happily ever after here. Do you think you could co-parent with him?

 

And how about some counseling. Again as a saying goes, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...."

 

This is now a pattern, you need to learn why history is repeating itself so that you do not make the same mistakes again.

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After you decided on whether to stay or Go with this guy, it's time to look in the mirror and ask yourself why you keep falling for DBags.

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NihilistWorm
...it's time to look in the mirror and ask yourself why you keep falling for DBags.

 

Or maybe he's just a selfish, shallow, unbelievably inconsiderate jerk :confused: ???

 

 

It felt organic, and freeing. Easing him into my children's life was so easy because they already knew him and loved him. Things moved slow for the first six months and then we jumped right in, decided to get a house, we got engaged and starting trying to have a baby. *Actual bliss is what I felt, and before that I realized I've never been in love like this. He makes me feel like anything is possible, and when things get tough he is my calm.* My family loves him, my kids love him and on Valentine's Day of this year we had our first daughter.

.

 

 

Did you two bother to read OP's initial post? Because if so, I don't see how your reply can be construed as credible given the obvious ad Hominem. That is, attacking the OPs SO's character. Name calling is highly unnecessary, and I argue counter productive as far as the advice OP was searching for. I further my claim to invalidate your two replies by also pointing out the other fallacies committed, those replies are both also very anecdotal, and the fallacy of appeal to emotion. OP went out of the way to express in great detail that she and her SO have a strong love and relationship.

 

To the OP, The problem appears to be the lying and covering up. Which is a similar trait experienced in your previous relationship. Which will bring up commonalities and cause you to compare and contrast. If he's willing to seek counseling and help, why is it that you want to walk away? Based off the following quote, I don't understand the hesitation to protect your SO's image if you feel as if you are going to leave?

 

I need help, I can't talk to anyone about this because it would destroy their image of him like it did when I finally left my ex. Am I stupid for even believing him the first time his indiscretions came out? Or am I overreacting? These are things that my ex did 2 years into our relationship so I'm scared that it's already happening..

 

As a contrasting perspective to what the consensus suggests; if you feel as strongly about this man as you have written, I would recommend getting the help you both deserve. You recalled being friends while you were both expediting failing at "dating around", I don't see why jumping out of the plane now would be spiritually or emotionally beneficial. Best of luck!

Edited by NihilistWorm
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Did you two bother to read OP's initial post? Because if so, I don't see how your reply can be construed as credible given the obvious ad Hominem. That is, attacking the OPs SO's character. Name calling is highly unnecessary, and I argue counter productive as far as the advice OP was searching for. I further my claim to invalidate your two replies by also pointing out the other fallacies committed, those replies are both also very anecdotal, and the fallacy of appeal to emotion. OP went out of the way to express in great detail that she and her SO have a strong love and relationship.

 

Almost every couple has "a strong love and relationship" in the first year together, as RC pointed out there's even a name for it - limerence.

 

So I guess it's even more painfully ironic to note neither that powerful feeling nor a pregnant wife at home was enough to keep hubby faithful and committed to the new marriage.

 

The decision to forgive and work on the relationship rests solely with the OP, it's a deeply personal choice. But, like anyone else, she ignores past history at her own peril when predicting future results...

 

Mr. Lucky

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NihilistWorm
I guess it's even more painfully ironic to note neither that powerful feeling nor a pregnant wife at home was enough to keep hubby faithful and committed to the new marriage.

 

I had to read back through the OP's post because I thought I missed the part where she mentioned the cheating. I didn't see anywhere in her post where hubby was cheating. Again, going solely off what was presented in OP's post, it sounds like he was trying to be sneaky. Which may be in the same neighborhood as cheating, however in all actuality, much less severe than the act of sexually, physically cheating on your SO. I admit it's possible I may have overlooked some details, but I can only make opinions based off the facts given; and without making wild accusations, to me it sounds like the man wants to make it right as evidence by his willingness to go through with counseling as OP stated above, and the part where she mentioned "He blocked her on everything he could and even changed his phone settings to where he couldn't delete history or even visit some sites." This is not a typical response from a man who wishes to cheat on his wife. So I assert, MrLucky, you are interjecting scenarios which haven't taken place. I feel as if I've gotten off topic a bit, so I'll tie it back by reiterating that the fact and statements which indicate a real desire to grow automatically puts OP and her husband in a better position than the position which the consensus seems to think.

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I had to read back through the OP's post because I thought I missed the part where she mentioned the cheating. I didn't see anywhere in her post where hubby was cheating.
Huh??

Well, I read it very closely too and, as OP very well knows, initiating activities for a "sexual thrill" is NOT okay in a marriage and are very much considered cheating in themselves, if not preludes to cheating.

 

In fact, try reading again with a little help. Here are the important excerpts:

So here's the dilemma(s)... he has an ex. ... they both made it very clear that they were just friends. ... He's gone so far as downloading apps to text her, and the final straw was in Dec when he met up with her to "talk about where they went wrong" the only reason I found out was because she called him from a random number when he was sleeping late at night, so that prompted me to look at his cell activity, then the emails. He went so far as to save her address in her phone and look up rights of a baby as the father. ... One day I was looking at his emails and he had sent a text to an app's help email asking why there weren't matches in his area. The app was called Pure and it's for random discreet hookups. I asked him what it was and like usual he denied until finally admitting. That he got on it purely for sexual thrill, he had no intentions of actually using it. .... admitted that he downloaded the kik app to video chat with someone he found on Reddit.
Is there still a question about his veracity and transparency?

 

It takes either inexperience or incredible naivite NOT to see the trees in this, not so dense, forest and, LH, I'm not happy about saying to you that I'm afraid you are right that he has been out of line. Completely. And I'm truly sorry considring your background with this.

 

But the thing is, he isn't your first husband. He's a different person and, while you definitely should continue your vigilance - with his knowledge and YOUR ultimatum - I think you should read him the riot act and then get into therapy. Start with MC, then if therapist and you both agree, he can start IC. There Is a problem but not necessarily the exact same problem as your first husband. I must admit it doesn't look good, but that's why it's ultimatum (and truly the last one) time.

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And by the "last one," I think you should say that initiating any kind of relationship, emotional or for "sexual thrill," will be it. That is what ultimatum should mean in my opinion.

 

And don't forget: If he does do IC, the therapy will only work as well and as long as he believes that he has a problem and needs it.

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Is there still a question about his veracity and transparency?

 

I think it comes down to this - if my neighbor comes home and finds me standing bleary-eyed and disheveled in his living room, I may convince him I drunkenly wandered into the wrong house. However, if I'm standing next to a smashed window dressed all in black and holding a ski mask and crowbar, it's a significantly different set of circumstances.

 

Such is the case here. You don't troll subreddits and use apps like Pure and Kik without specific intent.

 

There's no consensus the OP should walk away from her marriage. What's advised is healthy boundaries and an honest assessment of the future of the relationship. Anything less than that is foolish and careless...

 

Mr. Lucky

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