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Unforseen

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I've been lurking around this forum for a few days having run across it while searching for answers to why I keep getting stuck feeling resentment and anger and why I feel like moving on from my WW EA is just not happening. What has amazed me the most while lurking is the amount of wisdom and compassion that, more or less, total strangers are offering and receiving through this forum. In some ways it helps restore a little faith in humanity.

 

I am now about 18 months past D-Day and yet sometimes am consumed by depression and anger over my WW and her EAs. From what I've been reading that is not unusual in the least and that gives me some reassurance that I'm not losing my mind.

 

I will try to keep this condensed as the first version I started typing out just kept going. I will answer any question I am comfortable with and fill in any details as needed.

 

Perhaps 2 years ago or so, while on a quick vacation with the family (WW + 1 kid) my WW discovered a new game to play on her phone/ipad. Within weeks it had consumed her life and she was spending 10-12 hours a day playing. I, naturally, did about the worst thing possible and got angry about it.

 

My behavior went anywhere from stone-walling her and ignoring her to being verbally abusive about how devoted she was to the game and her teammates. I wish I had been able to see then that her addiction was a cry for help and that something was wrong instead of just giving in to anger that our family had been replaced.

 

Within a few more weeks her behavior changed even more. Suddenly she would hide her screen if I came near or close out anything she was working on. When I would question her she would get angry with me and tell me it was none of my business, that she needed privacy and her own friends and that I had no right to question her.

 

We went out of town again maybe 4-5 months after discovery of the game and I finally started to see the red flags my gut had been warning me about. I decided to stop being a jerk and try to make it up to her and she responded (so I thought) by being loving and letting the sex come back to the relationship. Then, before we headed home, she suggested I get an OW.

 

The next week was miserable as I was a confused mess. I kept trying to figure out why she would suggest that and she finally indicated that she had a desire to sleep with other men. Due to a well timed internet outage and me actually getting up the courage to do so I broke into her tablet (tablet was wi-fi only so she finally put it down while the internet was out). I saw an unfamiliar app, Line, found out it was a messaging app and opened it. I was greeted with the sight of my wife, naked, posing and touching herself.

 

I lost it all, stared shaking uncontrollably, and tried to remember how to take picture with my phone. She caught me catching her causing a messy little fight. I finished off every beer in the house and walked off to find more. I distinctly remember having a very in depth discussion about interpersonal relationship with a homeless guy at the convenience store and apparently passing out in my own vomit in a gutter. I'll cut out all the rest of the crying, me begging for forgiveness from my wife and screaming out to God to let me know how this happened and how to fix it.

 

About a week later I caught her again after she swore she wouldn't talk to the guy ever again. Well she didn't lie...This was a different OM. As far as I know there was 1 E only, several more flirtatious, and at least 2 that were sexual (sexting and picture swaps). I was getting ready for work and saw her busy with her phone and snagged it and saw chat with this second OM along with pictures. She got an ultimatum. For once I was completely cold and unemotional. Them or me. Your choice.

 

She chose me and I was willing for R. But I am missing pieces. For 18 months most of my questions have had responses of " I don't remember" or "It's too painful for me to talk about" or "You don't need to know you'll just dwell on it and won't get over it." We did a triage of MC for about the first 6 months. I got so involved fixing the M and taking on the responsibility for how things went that I forgot about me. So here I am with very little information about who my WW was involved with and to what extent because if I kept bugging her she would hurt herself or I would not be able to move on and work for a brighter future.

 

On the positive side our M is strong and doing well today. I am just resentful and have nagging doubts about what she has so far told me (yes, TT). As far as I know there has been NC with anyone OMs for about a year (yes I could go on for many more pages). We are planning on more MC in a few weeks mainly because I would like to know as much as I can about the A and how to squash my remaining doubts and anger (or at least better ways to manage them). I have forgiven my WW at least twice, and will hopefully be able to do it for real someday.

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Your reaction is completely normal. Your wife is lucky to have a husband who forgave so quickly. By now, you've probably read zombiehead's thread. He is contemplating divorce from a wife who behaved much as yours did.

 

It sounds like YOU were the one who did all the hard work in reconciliation, even though it should have been HER.

 

Definitely raise the issue in MC that you need all the details to move on. I think she is lying about not remembering things. And the idea that it's too painful for HER to talk about is ludicrous. SHE'S the one who caused pain in the relationship though her HER bad decision-making. She needs to understand that this lack of openness continues to cripple your marriage going forward. Also, SHE needs to work on what is broken inside her that caused her to seek out other men. SHE needs to acknowledge that SHE'S at fault, if she hasn't yet. SHE really needs individual counseling.

 

At this point, you've only rugswept the whole thing, and it will continue to cause you pain as long as the issue is not brought into the open.

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Wily Will is right on. Sounds like you're probably already passed the mind movies. You've probably already hit the "hey wait a minute. .. I'm f'ing awesome! ' epiphany too.

 

I'm three years out from my W's affairs and the anger is mostly gone... but I am constantly plagued with regret that I didn't just proceed with a divorce instead of the postnup.

 

This is the kind of thing that makes dudes grow colder. I definitely fell into thinking like a spider for a while.

 

The markers I decided on for myself is this:

I'm healed when I no longer feel pain when I think on it.

 

Reconciliation is successful when I can once again be proud of being married to her.

 

Not sure if that helps. If not there are plenty of folks who have a lot more wisdom than I do who will respond after me.

 

Internet stranger #343

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somanymistakes

Sure, it's painful for her to talk about because she's embarrassed, but tough! She did those things, she made those choices, it's her own fault she's embarrassed about them and she needs to face up to it. If she doesn't confront how bad her poor decisions can make her feel, she's more likely to make them again.

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You cannot reconcile with a partner who is not willing to open up and put in the hard work of recovery.

 

Your WW is running away from the problems, trying to rug-sweep, and if she is not willing to be completely forthcoming and honest and give you all the answers you are seeking, no true permanent healing will happen.

 

You are angry and disillusioned because you are carrying the weight of this "reconciliation" on your shoulders alone. This is causing the resentment to build and soon it will destroy what little bit of progress you have made. I think you are wondering how many men she was doing this with, and I think you suspect that she did meet up for real sex with at least one of them. That is the gist I am getting.

 

But she's stonewalling you. She doesn't want you knowing the full truth, likely because she knows that what she tells you will push you over the edge to D. You have a choice: stay with the status quo and live the rest of your marriage in doubt and anger, or do something to push her off high-center.

 

She needs to understand you mean business. I say go and see a lawyer and find out what your rights are, then have him draft up a D petition. Have her served and see what happens. It may knock her off the fence. You can have the petition dismissed at a later time if she pulls her head out of her butt and starts working with you.

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Read some of the posts at affair-recovery.com.

 

You will not heal with her TT and still cheating behind your back.

 

Have her work and pay for the help.

 

She needs to write a timeline of her affairs and prove to you that she has gone N/C.

 

you can't sweep under the rug.

 

Tell her she can take a polygraph over her timeline and has she stopped cheating or she can leave and go with her friends and never come back.

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Wait......she cheats and you do all of the work to repair the M? In what world does that make sense? She hadn't been held accountable, and bc of that is a prime candidate for a repeat performance, even if in her mind she's telling herself, 'Never again'.

 

You need answers to your questions in order to properly heal. If your MC is telling you to move on or something to that effect, find a new one.

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Indeed. I'm seeing from reading over other threads that I have done just about everything the wrong way. I do love my WW and my fear of losing her allowed me to make my bad choices when it came to R. I let her manipulate me and from D-day on and did not make the correct demands. I was scared to and with her history of depression and confusion from the discovery that she was serious when she told me thinking about it made her want to hurt herself. So I didn't enforce a NC and stuffed my head in the sand and gave her further opportunity to hurt me.

 

She couldn't stand to lose contact with all the 'friends' she made while playing that game and so I let her stay in touch with some of them. I did make a boundary and demanded she cut off all contact with anyone she had been even remotely flirty with. A fat lot of food that did me. As a result of TT I didn't exactly know who to look out for now did I? I did eventually get unrestricted access to all of her devices and accounts but that was after many arguments about the differences between secrecy and privacy and trust (or lack of).

 

Another issue was my lacking ability to articulate what I was feeling and why ALL of the information was important for me to know. That i was supposed to be the one to decide what I needed to know. I couldn't bring myself to put my feelings first and make those demands. I didn't know I could; that it was allowed under the circumstances.

 

She has been regularly attending IC since shortly after MC stopped. I let MC stop in part due to HUA syndrome. And we were getting along well, essentially the shiny honeymoon phase of a new marriage. It was only later that I removed my head from my posterior and realized that time had been given yet there were still many blanks in the verbal timeline I had pieced together and I was starting to analyze things again.

 

I remain hopeful because she has responded with regret to my pain. Even though it digested me I let her keep playing her video game where ther was ample opportunity to run across the OMs. When I finally let her know how much it was hurting me (yes I did a lot of that suffer in silence crap) she very quickly went from hours a day to a few hours a week to deleting the game and giving away her accounts while I watched. I have been vigilant and she has not downloaded it again or spent anymore money on it (free-pay to play type game).

 

I am finally starting to grow a spine and let my balls drop and other manly metaphors. Since finding this forum I have asked that she start spending some real time in IC dealing with the A and assorted fallout. I am fairly certain she has spent little to no time working on that as from the beginning her IC wanted to start from the beginning and work up to that. Yes like nearly every one else these days my wife has a messy childhood and past.

 

Here is my take so far on allowing TT and starting R from a position of weakness. I am learning this the hard way: It sounds like the kinder way to minimize the pain and save the feelings of all parties but all it does is draw out the pain and somehow make it worse. Each new truth sounds start the feelings of D Day all over again and basically resets the clock on my personal recovery. It makes it ridiculously difficult for trust to rebuild. Each time something is revealed I feel like I have to further interrogate and dig and poke and prod. What makes me believe that this is the full and complete truth this time? It makes feelings of resentment worse. I feel manipulated and punished for wanting to know everything. No I don't really want quotes but I want to know how illicit things got. I want to know what secrets of our marriage and our lives she was sharing. I used to question if that was too much to ask. I am starting to realize that is just the smallest fraction of what she owes me for her choices.

 

Thank you all for kicking things off. Obviously I have internalized things way too much and held them in. I have had few people that I felt comfortable talking to about this. My closest friends are her friends also. I think that I am beginning to see that I need IC myself as I have never been good with feelings and such.

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It does seem you've internalized all this and haven't really dealt with it all... and she has not either.

 

I agree with the others on IC for you and MC for the both of you. Good luck and please keep us posted.

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I am missing pieces. For 18 months most of my questions have had responses of " I don't remember" or "It's too painful for me to talk about" or "You don't need to know you'll just dwell on it and won't get over it."

I am just resentful and have nagging doubts about what she has so far told me (yes, TT). .
Of course you have "nagging doubts" about what she has told you. Her not answering questions by telling you that "You don't need to know you'll just dwell on it and won't get over it", is an admission that what you do know is only the tip of the iceberg, and that what she has done is far worse than what you know.
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Do you remember the ultimatum you gave her? It worked. Until the ultimatum, she's humiliated you on a daily bases. After the ultimatum, things has changed for the good. But not enough.

 

You must think with yourself and decide what are the things that are a deal breaker for you. For example, details about the affair, a polygraph test, and so and so... And put these issues as an ultimatum, because apparently this is the only way you can communicate with her. Through ultimatums.

 

If I was you, I'd lost my patience long ago. I wouldn't put up with a woman who is not 100% remorseful. The polygraph will help you to let it go. Because I suspect not only she is in contact with someone, but she has already cheated on you physically.

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Huge Red Flag. She suggested you get OW.

After seeing to many threads to count. Just about the only time women make this suggestion is after they have been having wild crazy monkey sex with other men for a long period of time. Suggesting hubby get another woman, that usually never happens with online emotional or even online internet porn stuff that she was also into. There is usually a whole lot of other crazy intermediate questions, comments, and suggestions first before this stage. There have been s number of other wayward wives that were caught in very similar situations. So far, all of them also included Physical Affairs. Most of the time it took time and effort to catch them in the act and or with facts voice recordings and pictures. At that point the majority will start to be truthful and come clean. There are a few that will still deny it and lie about Physical affairs unless you walk in and catch them in the act.

IAlso suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg and it was going on long before this.

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Responses are below in bold!

 

Your reaction is completely normal. Your wife is lucky to have a husband who forgave so quickly. I do understand that even though I said that I forgive her it will be a great deal of work until I can do more than just speak the words. I still use her A against her sometimes.

 

It sounds like YOU were the one who did all the hard work in reconciliation, even though it should have been HER. And now I am paying the price so to speak. I have a great deal of hope that we will be able to work things out. She did not understand my needs and I did not do a good job of explaining them at first.

 

Definitely raise the issue in MC that you need all the details to move on. I think she is lying about not remembering things. And the idea that it's too painful for HER to talk about is ludicrous. SHE'S the one who caused pain in the relationship though her HER bad decision-making. She needs to understand that this lack of openness continues to cripple your marriage going forward. Also, SHE needs to work on what is broken inside her that caused her to seek out other men. SHE needs to acknowledge that SHE'S at fault, if she hasn't yet. SHE really needs individual counseling. We had a very good talk today. I spent some time explaining (now that I know better how to explain what I need) that she doesn't have to understand. If she is absolutely committed to R then she will give me the answers that I need.

 

At this point, you've only rugswept the whole thing, and it will continue to cause you pain as long as the issue is not brought into the open. I am certainly experiencing that drawn out pain now and I am sick of it. That pain though is at least motivating me to action.

 

Wily Will is right on. Sounds like you're probably already passed the mind movies. You've probably already hit the "hey wait a minute. .. I'm f'ing awesome! ' epiphany too. I will have to look into what you mean by my awesomeness. I gotta say not much of this has me feeling awesome.

 

I'm three years out from my W's affairs and the anger is mostly gone... but I am constantly plagued with regret that I didn't just proceed with a divorce instead of the postnup. I'm sorry that you are stuck with that regret. I will heed your advice and consider my options very carefully. 18 months later I had hoped that D was not really on the table, but I do need to learn to take care of my needs.

 

This is the kind of thing that makes dudes grow colder. I definitely fell into thinking like a spider for a while. I find myself still in a state of paranoia and discovery. I have been wasting too much energy on trying to recover deleted app data and pouring back through old text messages between WW and myself looking for clues as to what went wrong. I'm tired of this and need my WW to do more to prove that she is safe.

 

The markers I decided on for myself is this:

I'm healed when I no longer feel pain when I think on it. I have a similar goal to this. My first stop is anger though. When I can think of what happened and not cuss her in my mind then I will know I am on the right path.

 

Reconciliation is successful when I can once again be proud of being married to her. In truth she is doing many things to improve herself in my eyes. She is working hard at being a woman I can be proud of.

 

Not sure if that helps. If not there are plenty of folks who have a lot more wisdom than I do who will respond after me. I appreciate your words. With many months of trying to handle this about on my own I am grateful for other opinions and perspectives.

 

Internet stranger #343

 

Sure, it's painful for her to talk about because she's embarrassed, but tough! She did those things, she made those choices, it's her own fault she's embarrassed about them and she needs to face up to it. If she doesn't confront how bad her poor decisions can make her feel, she's more likely to make them again. We had a good discussion along these lines toady. It did lead to a bit of a messy conversation wondering if maybe I want to see her punished. I would be lying to say I don't want her to suffer and at the same time I don't want her to suffer. I just need more assurance that she recognizes what the A has cost me and that I am worth enough to her that she should have to relive her pains to show me that she means business.

 

You cannot reconcile with a partner who is not willing to open up and put in the hard work of recovery.

 

Your WW is running away from the problems, trying to rug-sweep, and if she is not willing to be completely forthcoming and honest and give you all the answers you are seeking, no true permanent healing will happen.

 

You are angry and disillusioned because you are carrying the weight of this "reconciliation" on your shoulders alone. This is causing the resentment to build and soon it will destroy what little bit of progress you have made. I think you are wondering how many men she was doing this with, and I think you suspect that she did meet up for real sex with at least one of them. That is the gist I am getting.

 

But she's stonewalling you. She doesn't want you knowing the full truth, likely because she knows that what she tells you will push you over the edge to D. You have a choice: stay with the status quo and live the rest of your marriage in doubt and anger, or do something to push her off high-center.

 

She needs to understand you mean business. I say go and see a lawyer and find out what your rights are, then have him draft up a D petition. Have her served and see what happens. It may knock her off the fence. You can have the petition dismissed at a later time if she pulls her head out of her butt and starts working with you. Honestly I really do not want to got that route. I still have hope and a fair amount of positive evidence that R is what she wants. I am looking to push her out of the comfort zone that I helped construct and I am working on a plan to make that happen. I may not like the blunt no nonsense suggestion that you have but I would also be a fool not to consider them. This is my first rodeo after all.

 

She works? If not that's what I'd be asking for from her next. She is a very hard working woman and I am thankful for that. It does, however make that addiction that she had with the video game more obvious and I feel more foolish not picking up on that sooner.

 

Do you remember the ultimatum you gave her? It worked. Until the ultimatum, she's humiliated you on a daily bases. After the ultimatum, things has changed for the good. But not enough.

 

You must think with yourself and decide what are the things that are a deal breaker for you. For example, details about the affair, a polygraph test, and so and so... And put these issues as an ultimatum, because apparently this is the only way you can communicate with her. Through ultimatums.

 

If I was you, I'd lost my patience long ago. I wouldn't put up with a woman who is not 100% remorseful. The polygraph will help you to let it go. Because I suspect not only she is in contact with someone, but she has already cheated on you physically. That is another scary thought that I must look square in the face. I am pretty certain that there was no PA during the period of the EA. With her addiction to the video game that started it all there was simply no time. Her time at work was documented and she would typically be home as quickly as possibly to log back into the game. As best as I could tell most of her OMs were out of state or in other countries. She has vehemently and repeatedly stated that there has never been a PA in the 20 years that we have been married. Even if there was it would have to be recent or something on the extreme side to knock R of the table. If I find out that she was lying then that is another matter.

 

I get what you mean by speaking in ultimatums. I am incorporating that into my plan. I will be working on a letter describing as clearly as I can that I need a time line that is as detailed as possible and any other information that she has been trying to keep me from or save me from. I will give her a reasonable time frame to get it back to me and alert her to the very real possibility that it will result in more questions. It will also help tear down the wall that she built between us.

 

I don't know what consequence I will lay out if this need of mine is not met. I know I need to consider the chance that she will still hold back, but that is a painful thing to consider after we have come so far.

 

Huge Red Flag. She suggested you get OW.

After seeing to many threads to count. Just about the only time women make this suggestion is after they have been having wild crazy monkey sex with other men for a long period of time. Suggesting hubby get another woman, that usually never happens with online emotional or even online internet porn stuff that she was also into. There is usually a whole lot of other crazy intermediate questions, comments, and suggestions first before this stage. There have been s number of other wayward wives that were caught in very similar situations. So far, all of them also included Physical Affairs. Most of the time it took time and effort to catch them in the act and or with facts voice recordings and pictures. At that point the majority will start to be truthful and come clean. There are a few that will still deny it and lie about Physical affairs unless you walk in and catch them in the act.

IAlso suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg and it was going on long before this. What can I say? I hope she proves to be the exception. I have mentally prepared myself as well as I can to the possibility that what she is still hiding is most damaging. I have already decided that as long as there was no PA post D-Day I can live with it. However if it turns out there was a PA at any point and it is not confessed to me as a result of my formal request for a timeline and missing information I do not think I would want to keep going in this M.

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Your marriage will never fully heal because as long as you

have questions that go unanswered your need for those

answers will never go away.

 

 

Thirty years later not having answers will be haunting you.

You will still be needing those answers.

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If you are set on reconciliation (and that's your choice--I was too) then you may want to consider looking into a postnup.

 

One of the things that absolutely fueled my anger was the thought of having to pay alimony for the privilege of being cheated on. To be honest it still angers me thinking about that part of the legal system.

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Friskyone4u

Unforeseen,

 

You said it yourself. You know you have done it wrong.

 

So here you are, thinking your are in R, yet she has cheated more than once and what are the consequences.???

 

if you do some reading, you will find that when WW does not agree VOLUNTARILY TO ALL THE STEPS NECESSARY FOR ACCOUNTABILITY , then the chances of re offending are much greater.

 

Your response should be, THE GAME ENDS NOW AND FOR GOOD . if she is still on there you have no clue who she is interacting with. You really trust her?? obviously not, or your post would not have occurred.

 

If i were you, if you really want to know if she is not having inappropriate contact anywhere, hook her up with a polygraph examiner. three or four simple to construct yes/no questions will get you your answers in an hour.

 

Don't bet your 401K that she will pass.

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Going back a few posts it sounds like you're due to hit the "wait I AM awesome" stage soon since you haven't already. I went from complete mental devastation to severe depression/self-doubt to motivated to self-improve (lol just because it was really likely that I'd be dating again) it came to me during the self improvement stage.

 

But yeah that first two months was pure hell. I remember vividly vacuuming like a maniac while crying and thinking if I didn't vacuum good enough my wife wouldn't love me anymore because my wife had said one of the reasons she cheated was that she felt unappreciated being a sahm. I look back on that in shame even knowing that wasn't nearly the worst of it.

 

I probably would have healed a helleva lot faster without the initial turn to use alcohol to help cope. That was my biggest mistake. Probably extended the time it took me to find my strength 3 times longer than it should have.

 

Guess what I'm getting at in sharing that war story is that you aren't alone brother.

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Unforeseen,

 

You said it yourself. You know you have done it wrong.

 

So here you are, thinking your are in R, yet she has cheated more than once and what are the consequences.???

 

if you do some reading, you will find that when WW does not agree VOLUNTARILY TO ALL THE STEPS NECESSARY FOR ACCOUNTABILITY , then the chances of re offending are much greater.

 

Your response should be, THE GAME ENDS NOW AND FOR GOOD . if she is still on there you have no clue who she is interacting with. You really trust her?? obviously not, or your post would not have occurred.

 

If i were you, if you really want to know if she is not having inappropriate contact anywhere, hook her up with a polygraph examiner. three or four simple to construct yes/no questions will get you your answers in an hour.

 

Don't bet your 401K that she will pass.

 

Frisky,

Sorry for the confusion on this one. It was about 3 months after D-Day Pt.2 that she put the game down for good and removed it from her phone/tablet and gave away the accounts. By the ridiculous logic of the BS I felt horrible asking her to drop something that meant so much to her and thought that would be the thing that would drive her away once and for all. That wonderful logic that allowed me to extend my suffering to spare her feelings...

 

Part of what gave me hope though was that she did drop the game on her own without me actually demanding or asking. She started responding to the misery that watching her pick up her phone and log in was causing me. She played less and less then one day I came home from work and she showed me her phone and let me know it was gone and the accounts were gone.

 

That was roughly 15 months ago and she has AFAIK never touched it since.

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Going back a few posts it sounds like you're due to hit the "wait I AM awesome" stage soon since you haven't already. I went from complete mental devastation to severe depression/self-doubt to motivated to self-improve (lol just because it was really likely that I'd be dating again) it came to me during the self improvement stage. Reading through some of these stories and thinking back on the last 18 months is sending me that direction. That was a metric crap-ton of bull that I pulled myself through face first and I pulled my family along on top of me. We are all still here and more or less intact. I am still married and we are reaching towards happily married. Not to say I did it all on my own, but that feels like an F-ing awesome accomplishment to me.

 

But yeah that first two months was pure hell. I remember vividly vacuuming like a maniac while crying and thinking if I didn't vacuum good enough my wife wouldn't love me anymore because my wife had said one of the reasons she cheated was that she felt unappreciated being a sahm. I look back on that in shame even knowing that wasn't nearly the worst of it. Hot damn I can relate to this feeling...Except for me it was more destructive as I kept a lot of crap to myself lest my feelings about how she destroyed my heart, soul, and manhood offend her... Yeah I'm over that part at least. On the downside I've put back on the 30lbs. that I lost and those pounds brought friends.

 

I probably would have healed a helleva lot faster without the initial turn to use alcohol to help cope. That was my biggest mistake. Probably extended the time it took me to find my strength 3 times longer than it should have. I curbed that one within a few weeks. In matching the idiotic and irrational behavior above, she reminded me that her family was a bunch of alcoholics and she wouldn't put up with that from me. Yeah.

 

Guess what I'm getting at in sharing that war story is that you aren't alone brother. That was the worst feeling at first. The fantasy that it could never happen to you crashing down and feeling completely alone and vulnerable. The embarrassment of having the most trusted person in your life cut that life out of you and then use it as a backdrop for an erotic photo shoot for her fans can really take the wind out of your sails.

 

I'm not sure about the post-nup though. It's another of those negative things that never even crossed my mind to consider or learn about. In some ways its like saying I'm waiting and expecting you to have an A again. On the other hand not having one would be a good way to be screwed over by both D laws and the WW at the same time.

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In some ways its like saying I'm waiting and expecting you to have an A again

 

Which is a perfectly reasonable expectation. She promised fidelity when she got married, then broke that vow. So why would today's promise carry any more weight? Pinky-swear this time?

 

What she's not grasping is that the rug-sweeping serves neither her interests nor yours. This stuff has a way of hanging over the marriage like a dark cloud. There are a thousand stories in here where the BH, after 5-20 years, realizes he's never gotten over it and suddenly files for divorce. If she wants to live with that spectre standing behind you for the rest of her life, then by all means, she should continue the rug-sweeping. But my guess is that she would want closure instead. That requires some really ugly, heart-wrenching conversations right now.

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Wily, I am very clearly seeing this now. I've been trying to put my mistrust and doubts behind me for at least a year and, as you have guessed, it's just not working. Anytime I am feeling low or stressed or anytime we have a little argument or disagreement all that doubt and all those unanswered questions jump right back in to my mind. I have reached a breaking point and at least I now know why. The R will not be successful as long as that wall of doubt is between us.

 

I have decided to go with a letter to explain how all this has made me feel and to let her know what exactly I need her to do as I have trouble collecting all my thoughts on the fly. I will clearly define my expectations and consequences if she does not reply completely.

 

I will include a demand for a polygraph if I have even a hint of doubt that she has not been completely forth coming. I will also state my determination to contact a lawyer and start the filing process if she doesnot respond as I have asked. I can't continue like this and need the truth.

 

This process has sparked some good conversations between my wife and I as I have been open and honest with her about my concerns and posts to this forum. It is difficult for me to say that she owes me the same because it opens me up

To the possibility that things will not work out as I would wish and that is a scary and painful reality I hope I do not have to face.

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A successful reconciliation is not possible if the truth is not fully divulged. You both are rebuilding a relationship on yet another faulty foundation. Google Joseph's letter and have her read it. Maybe that will get through to her that the truth is the only way you can really heal and move forward.

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Be careful how you sound in the letter. Everything written can later be used against you in a court of law.

 

There's no question about it. Even though I think things are going for an R, I can't know for sure what the future may hold.

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