jonkil Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Hi All, I am struggling to cope with a recent incident and wanted your opinions. My wife sometimes overdrinks and does not have control or recollection of what she is doing. However, she has never done anything that would lead me to believe that she has cheated (drunk or otherwise). Last night, she went out drinking with her friends. There were some 7 to 8 of them and they went bar hopping. They finally settled on a bar where they were dancing. People left at different times and eventually only three of them were left (my wife, her female friend and a male friend). I texted my wife and did not get a reply. I texted her female friend and she said the three of them were there and my wife was okay. A little while later, my wife replied saying she was okay but very drunk. An hour later, I asked when she was getting home and received no response. I kept calling and texting, but received no response. The night went by and I texted again in the morning to ask for her whereabouts. She replied apologizing and saying that she was so drunk she had to crash at her male friend's house. The female friend had left and the two of them decided to go to his house and crash, When she got home, I had a conversation with her and she said she fell asleep on his couch and was unable to get a taxi. She also does not recall how she got to her friend's house - she was so drunk. She explained that all she did was pass out on the couch and there was absolutely no physical encounter with the male friend. She also apologized, understood the gravity of the situation and explained it would not happen again. Having not dealt with anything similar before, I am a little confused around what I should do? The point is she slept at another man's house (drunk or otherwise). I feel extremely emaciated and feel like I've been badly disrespected. On the contrary, knowing her and the friend, it is unlikely she would have gotten into a compromising situation. I have confronted and laid the ground rules for the future, but still feel helpless and disrespected. Is there anything else I could do? Would any of you have approached the situation differently.? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storms Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I would be way more worried about her drinking than about the fact that she slept on her male friend's couch. The latter is an issue, but if she wasn't drinking and partying the way she is, she would not be in such positions to start with. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I don't believe a word she told you. She could of asked you to come and get her if she was to drunk. So who drove them to his house? She could of gotten a cab from the bar. She could of called you for a ride. But no she went home with this OM willingly. Your wife slept with this guy. Why else would she have not gotten a cab home. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 This is not the first time I have read a story like this. It would be the first time that the wife had not cheated. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I would be way more worried about her drinking than about the fact that she slept on her male friend's couch. The latter is an issue, but if she wasn't drinking and partying the way she is, she would not be in such positions to start with. Don't believe she was as drunk as she let on. Just am excuse to sleep at the OM's house. I'm guessing he is the one that drove them to his house. Then instead of going home with the gf she goes home with the bf. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 If she didn't cheat, and that's a HUGE if, then there needs to never be anymore going out without you. Ever. That said, I think it's likely that something physical happened b 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Simply put...She is lying. Don't believe it, tell her you've set up a lie detector concerning that nights events and watch her twist in the wind. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 This is a load of crap and if her women friends were her true friends and had her back they never would have left her alone with this guy. Why didn't she go to her friends house? Why didn't she call YOU or make arrangements to get home? The drinking is a huge issue too, she obviously blacks out and makes bad decisions. A big reason for her to quit drinking and stop this behavior. It's not good for your marriage, she's not a teen and needs stop whatever she's doing immediately. Not sure if she's having an A or cheated but she certainly is putting herself in situations where something could happen (and may or may not be by choice either!). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I have two questions: first, do you have any children, and second, why didn't you join them in this pub crawl? Call me old fashion, but I do not understand wives going drinking and dancing without their spouse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherNewBeginning Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) Having just (four days ago) left a wife who did stuff like this, who cheated on me to various degrees at least three times that i know have - and has now told me she no longer loves me and is seeing some one else, which is why i left - I'd would say run like hell. It's not easy, she might be innocent, but if she wants to continue partying without you, prepare to battle your suspicions by telling yourself you're being paranoid, only to discover you were right to be suspicious and eventually get dumped on from a great height. If you can live with that, stay with her. It's your life, dude. But i sure as hell wish I'd left my wife the first time she behaved like that. The only good thing that came out of me staying as long as did is that I can walk away, with my head held high, knowing i did all i could to save a marriage which, in all honesty, wasn't worth saving. Edited March 20, 2017 by AnotherNewBeginning 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Yep. She is feeding you a line of bull. The only part of this that was believable is that she stayed at the guy's house. As others have already said, how did she get to this house? If the guy was driving, then he wasn't drunk, and neither were the women. If they took a cab, then why couldn't your wife tell the cabbie to take her home? Also, what makes you think the other woman went home? Because she told you? No, more likely the partying continued after hours at the man's house, and it involved sex. Now, maybe your wife finally did black out during all the fun, so she can't remember penetration, but yeah, she probably did have sex with all of them - a drunken three way... Like Morpheus tells Neo, you also have a choice to take either the red pill or the blue pill...have her take a polygraph and see if those 'I don't remember' questions hold any water, then decide if you want to be red or blue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Hi All, I am struggling to cope with a recent incident and wanted your opinions. My wife sometimes overdrinks and does not have control or recollection of what she is doing. However, she has never done anything that would lead me to believe that she has cheated (drunk or otherwise). Last night, she went out drinking with her friends. There were some 7 to 8 of them and they went bar hopping. They finally settled on a bar where they were dancing. People left at different times and eventually only three of them were left (my wife, her female friend and a male friend). I texted my wife and did not get a reply. I texted her female friend and she said the three of them were there and my wife was okay. A little while later, my wife replied saying she was okay but very drunk. An hour later, I asked when she was getting home and received no response. I kept calling and texting, but received no response. The night went by and I texted again in the morning to ask for her whereabouts. She replied apologizing and saying that she was so drunk she had to crash at her male friend's house. The female friend had left and the two of them decided to go to his house and crash, When she got home, I had a conversation with her and she said she fell asleep on his couch and was unable to get a taxi. She also does not recall how she got to her friend's house - she was so drunk. She explained that all she did was pass out on the couch and there was absolutely no physical encounter with the male friend. She also apologized, understood the gravity of the situation and explained it would not happen again. Having not dealt with anything similar before, I am a little confused around what I should do? The point is she slept at another man's house (drunk or otherwise). I feel extremely emaciated and feel like I've been badly disrespected. On the contrary, knowing her and the friend, it is unlikely she would have gotten into a compromising situation. I have confronted and laid the ground rules for the future, but still feel helpless and disrespected. Is there anything else I could do? Would any of you have approached the situation differently.? So the b*ll**** test. How many times did you call, you called plenty of times, she saw the missed calls throughout the night, her first thought should have been to go home. Second have you talked to this man? Why would he think it's ok to have another man's wife in his house without calling the husband, what if she had been in an accident, does he think it's normal to have someone's wife go dark like that? Certainly as a man having someone with a family in my house the first thing would be to notify them and tell them she's ok for the night. I bolded your quote. Her friend, if your wife was really that drunk left her alone with this guy. Do you know the guy? Why didn't your wife go to her house? Why didn't your wife come home? Surely if they got a taxi to his place then why not use the same taxi to go home? Not saying she cheated, but her excuses don't pass the bulls*it test. We've all been drunk, your homing mechanism is to get home to your own bed. But like others have said I'd be worried about her drinking and then her decision making on top of that. Again, have you spoken to this bloke? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 OP have you suggested that she goes to AA ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 The female friend had left and the two of them decided to go to his house and crash, When she got home, I had a conversation with her and she said she fell asleep on his couch and was unable to get a taxi. She also does not recall how she got to her friend's house - she was so drunk. She explained that all she did was pass out on the couch and there was absolutely no physical encounter with the male friend. First, she made a decision "to go to his house and crash", and not to call you. There is no reason for her to make this decision, and for him to agree, other than she wanted to go home with him and he wanted her to go home with him too. Second, says she was so black out drunk that she cannot "recall how she got to" his house, yet claims to remember every minute of the night enough to tell you that "there was absolutely no physical encounter with the male friend". Which is it? She either recalls the whole night enough to be able to assure you that nothing physical happened even during the ride to his house, or she does not recall, it cannot be both. Finally, there is no reason not to have called you other than she did not want to. It was physical in some way, so yes she cheated on you, but you know this which is why you are here. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I won't jump on the bandwagon that your wife cheated. I'll go on the premise that she is 100% truthful here (stranger things have happened). The entire scenario is wrong. If she was going to be out drinking, she should have had a plan in place on how she was going to get home afterwards. She clearly did not make her marriage a priority and surely didn't think clearly on how this would look... on how this could be a questionable position to put herself in... and father you. How this could make you feel, etc. I think you need some very serious talks and some very clear boundaries in place. But take this from someone who shrugged off her husband's behaviors for a very long time until I had the absolute proof he was cheating (though he is still claiming he never did anything physical, just phone sex... yeah, I have some ocean front property in montana), so what do I know? I am a suckered for trying to believe the best in people. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I had a long period of time where, on occasion, I was unable to recognize my drinking limits and definitely crashed at friends' houses at times, including male friends. This does NOT mean that I did anything close to cheating! It meant flopping onto a couch and passing out, with absolutely zero contact with anyone else. People here at Loveshack have heard all the cheating stories and are primed to default to that explanation. Your wife's situation is more likely to be that of poor drinking limits, with no cheating whatsoever. That, of course, is its own problem that should be addressed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Given that she 'does not have control or recollection' of things she does when this plastered, even if she says nothing physical happened, even if she does not REMEMBER anything physical happening, she may not be correct. It may be a good idea to suggest a medical checkup in case something did happen that she doesn't know about. There are several possibilities here. - Wife got a bit drunk, intentionally slept with a guy, made up a story - Wife got totally plastered, had sex that she was in no condition to consent to, covered it up - Wife got totally plastered, had sex that she was in no condition to consent to, doesn't even remember that it happened - Wife got totally plastered and passed out on a guy's couch, and no sex happened The level of cheating varies throughout these scenarios, but even if it's the very bottom one like she claims it is, her behavior was a HUGE warning sign that she has a drinking problem and no ability to keep herself out of dangerous situations. If sex didn't happen this time, it might happen next time - or worse. So yeah, to me, the priorities are: 1) medical care and STD tests in case something did happen 2) get her enrolled in help for her drinking 3) do not let her go out drinking without you 4) after settling this immediate crisis, investigate whether there are deeper relationship problems 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 She's lying. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 She's lying. Listen, you will have a lot of open minded people saying how she did not cheat, you have no proof and on and on. All of us on love shack are just so paranoid that we always assume the worse. OK. But here is the problem: We are usually right. She is lying to you from the time she opened her mouth. She was hanging out drinking and flirting with this guy all night long. And, she decided to go home with him and get laid. You can believe all the "Pollyanna's" on here, but frankly, I know they mean well but they are almost always wrong. This was calculated and planed by your wife. If she has not been sleeping with this guy previously, which is actually pretty likely, she will sleep with him again in the future. Want to know for sure. Make her take a polygraph. See what happens. Sorry dude... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloneuk Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) I was in a similar scenario. I had a brief EA with my work colleague and we started socialising on Friday evenings with other people from work. One particular night, we got very drunk and instead of him going home, he came back to mine. I don't remember who initiated it but he ended up staying the night. In my bed. We didn't sleep together but we were physical (kissing etc) and spent a lot of time talking and connecting and getting to know each other. The alcohol gave us the confidence/stupidity to push the boundaries and cross a line in our 'friendship'. To be fair, there was a mutual attraction which we both realised before so we were playing with fire by going out and getting that drunk together. I guess we both knew deep down something might happen. I'm ashamed to say that neither of us thought about his partner at home, we were too drunk and having too much fun together to care about anyone else. Totally selfish I know. We were caught in a drunken moment. In the morning when we sobered up, he saw all the missed calls on his phone and called his partner to say he had fallen asleep on my sofa. I guess by telling a half truth (that he stayed round mine) it made the lie not so big.... I think there's a strong possibility something happened, even if it was nothing physical and just the beginning of an EA. Looking back now, I think if both me and my AP were happy in our relationships and were not wanting something to happen between us, there would be no way that it would have gotten as far as it did. I have many platonic friendships with the opposite sex but they would make sure I got home OK, and I would have had no desire to stay the night with them, even on the sofa. Like someone said, you tend to have a homing becon when drunk because you just want to get home and into your own bed. Unless there's somewhere else you'd rather be... Edited March 20, 2017 by Aloneuk 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FortyandForlorn Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Listen, you will have a lot of open minded people saying how she did not cheat, you have no proof and on and on. All of us on love shack are just so paranoid that we always assume the worse. OK. But here is the problem: We are usually right. She is lying to you from the time she opened her mouth. She was hanging out drinking and flirting with this guy all night long. And, she decided to go home with him and get laid. You can believe all the "Pollyanna's" on here, but frankly, I know they mean well but they are almost always wrong. This was calculated and planed by your wife. If she has not been sleeping with this guy previously, which is actually pretty likely, she will sleep with him again in the future. Want to know for sure. Make her take a polygraph. See what happens. Sorry dude... In my opinion, the bolded is the best case scenario. Worst case? She has a drinking problem, got blacked out drunk and actually left with a bunch of strangers and too embarrassed to tell the truth and get help. She needs to deal with her drinking - possible affairs are a side effect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 To be fair, there was a mutual attraction which we both realised before so we were playing with fire by going out and getting that drunk together. I guess we both knew deep down something might happen.I have many platonic friendships with the opposite sex but they would make sure I got home OK, and I would have had no desire to stay the night with them, even on the sofa. Like someone said, you tend to have a homing becon when drunk because you just want to get home and into your own bed. Unless there's somewhere else you'd rather be... This is a very important point that the OP needs to understand. His wife "would have had no desire to stay the night with" the other man (OM) if they were in a "platonic" friendship, and there was not "a mutual attraction". Additionally, when the OP's wife "decided to go to his house and crash" for the night with the OM at his house instead of her going home, she also made the decision not to call her husband, and not to take his calls, because she knew that had she spoken to the OP, there was no platonic explanation that she could have given to the OP as to why she wanted to head over to the OM's house to spend the night. However she and the OM got home from the bar, could have instead been used to get her and the OM to the OP's house where the OM could have more appropriately slept on the OP's couch. That is unless, the OM took the same car or cab home that he got to the OP's house in, the OP drove the OM home, or they called the OM an Uber. The OP's wife and the OM wanted to spend the night together alone at his house, and they did it. Both she and the OM have so little respect for the OP, that they believed that did not even need a good cover for this, and she was confident that no matter how illogical and ridiculous her explanation was, that the OP would swallow it if she "apologized, understood the gravity of the situation and explained it would not happen again". The OP's wife and OM both had a good laugh over this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I had a long period of time where, on occasion, I was unable to recognize my drinking limits and definitely crashed at friends' houses at times, including male friends. This does NOT mean that I did anything close to cheating! When you drunkenly crashed at your male friends house, did you not call your spouse, dodge your spouse's text and phone calls, and "decided to go to his house and crash" instead of taking the same mode of transposition used to go to the male friend's house to go home? Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 File for D. Tell her to get out and go live in the OM's house. He can have her and she is now his problem. She would have a huge fit, if you went and slept at some woman's house. She would not have let you in the door. She wanted to be with him and not you. Send her to him. She does not respect you or love you. She parties with other people, not you. She has protected her "male friend" over you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 She has serious drinking problems if she doesn't remember how she got somewhere. That is a blackout drunk. She needs rehab and professional help. You cannot fix this for her. Is she willing to never, EVER drink any alcohol ever again? She may have cheated - she may not remember either...due to a 'blackout'. If she won't quit then divorce her NOW! Or you're in for decades of problems with her...this is just the beginning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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