Wife began EA, just need to vent

[Dgar]

Greetings. Since we haven't decided to discuss this outside of our marriage yet, I needed a place to vent semi-anonymously.

My wife began working again recently after a few years off taking care of our young children. Things were great, the extra cash flow was nice, and she was beginning to talk to other real humans again which was very nice for her. After a few months, I noticed she was constantly checking her phone, and would close it/put it down/turn it if I got near...which was not typical.

I confronted and asked if I could see what she was doing, to which she said, "No."

The next morning she apologized, and said she was wrong to say no, and allowed me to see the conversations.

It was the very beginnings of an EA, and needless to say I was shocked, hurt, and confused.

After explaining why what had happened was such a big deal, she agreed that she was in the wrong and we moved on. I explained to her that she must initiate NC with this coworker. They are in different departments, so while still difficult, is not impossible.

After some weird semi-NC conversations with him, I assume all is well and try to forgive and move on.

Just recently, she "found out" that this fellows mother has died because she hadn't seen him around for a while and asked about him. Upon finding this out, she offered her condolences and basically opened conversation back up. It was breif, but once again I'm hurt and confused. I feel as though this shouldn't be so difficult to understand.

She told me this morning that when she is at home, she doesn't think about him, but when she is working and sees him she doesn't understand why they can't be friends.

She is just trying to share her struggle, and I believe she loves me, and I believe she wants to be faithful. I suggested a third party to help us work through things, and she asked for more time to get her brain straight.

I needed to get it off my chest a bit, so here I am.

I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to treat her right now. I love her very much, but I feel very hurt and disrespected and I lack trust. I have always loved her, protected her, and cared for her..and now I find myself in different conflicting roles as I struggle with being angry and dispassionate toward her. I don't want to drive her away or give her more of a reason to seek fulfillment outside of our relationship. I'm not sure what to do.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Life lessons]

Greetings. Since we haven't decided to discuss this outside of our marriage yet, I needed a place to vent semi-anonymously.

My wife began working again recently after a few years off taking care of our young children. Things were great, the extra cash flow was nice, and she was beginning to talk to other real humans again which was very nice for her. After a few months, I noticed she was constantly checking her phone, and would close it/put it down/turn it if I got near...which was not typical.

I confronted and asked if I could see what she was doing, to which she said, "No."

The next morning she apologized, and said she was wrong to say no, and allowed me to see the conversations.

It was the very beginnings of an EA, and needless to say I was shocked, hurt, and confused.

After explaining why what had happened was such a big deal, she agreed that she was in the wrong and we moved on. I explained to her that she must initiate NC with this coworker. They are in different departments, so while still difficult, is not impossible.

After some weird semi-NC conversations with him, I assume all is well and try to forgive and move on.

Just recently, she "found out" that this fellows mother has died because she hadn't seen him around for a while and asked about him. Upon finding this out, she offered her condolences and basically opened conversation back up. It was breif, but once again I'm hurt and confused. I feel as though this shouldn't be so difficult to understand.

She told me this morning that when she is at home, she doesn't think about him, but when she is working and sees him she doesn't understand why they can't be friends.

She is just trying to share her struggle, and I believe she loves me, and I believe she wants to be faithful. I suggested a third party to help us work through things, and she asked for more time to get her brain straight.

I needed to get it off my chest a bit, so here I am.

I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to treat her right now. I love her very much, but I feel very hurt and disrespected and I lack trust. I have always loved her, protected her, and cared for her..and now I find myself in different conflicting roles as I struggle with being angry and dispassionate toward her. I don't want to drive her away or give her more of a reason to seek fulfillment outside of our relationship. I'm not sure what to do.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

I am married and will tell you firsthand, she needs to find a way to end the EA. The A I had was an EA for a few months and then it led to a PA, which in all likelihood is something that may happen with your wife. Definitely have a talk with her and let her know that an EA is an affair! Let her know that you're not okay with her having this coworker as a friend because it is a high possibility that this will turn to a full blown PA. She may not think (but I doubt) that it won't lead to that but in all fairness, the likelihood is high! These things suck you in and before you know it you're in an A and it's very difficult to get out of it. Believe me, I've recently been there! I just ended it with NC. It's difficult but please discuss the EA she is having. She may very well be past the point and doesn't want to stop communicating because she likes the high it gives her. She is already trying to justify.

[Dgar]

I am married and will tell you firsthand, she needs to find a way to end the EA. The A I had was an EA for a few months and then it led to a PA, which in all likelihood is something that may happen with your wife. Definitely have a talk with her and let her know that an EA is an affair! Let her know that you're not okay with her having this coworker as a friend because it is a high possibility that this will turn to a full blown PA. She may not think (but I doubt) that it won't lead to that but in all fairness, the likelihood is high! These things suck you in and before you know it you're in an A and it's very difficult to get out of it. Believe me, I've recently been there! I just ended it with NC. It's difficult but please discuss the EA she is having. She may very well be past the point and doesn't want to stop communicating because she likes the high it gives her. She is already trying to justify.

We have discussed it, and I showed her articles and books and posts about EAs turning into PAs. She knows that she has messed up, but is struggling with her desires. In my words, its like when you know you can't eat a certain food because you're allergic....but you still really really really want it. I get it. Not sure how to help her, though. I guess I appreciate that she has shared her struggle with me instead of keeping it in. I'm not really sure.

Thanks for the response.

[Life lessons]

We have discussed it, and I showed her articles and books and posts about EAs turning into PAs. She knows that she has messed up, but is struggling with her desires. In my words, its like when you know you can't eat a certain food because you're allergic....but you still really really really want it. I get it. Not sure how to help her, though.

Thanks for the response.

 

Put your foot down before it's too late. Let her know you can't accept and don't condone what she's doing. Let her know that I f she doesn't stop then you can't be with her. Trust me, you need to take some action or she will continue to do this and it will spiral out of control. Tell her it's him or you. She sees that you are allowing this and she is going to keep doing it because you're basically accepting this EA of hers. You're allowing her to continue this.

[oldshirt]

She feels good getting the attention and stimulation and she doesn't understand (most likely she DOES understand, she just resents...) the fact that you won't let them be together because it makes her feel good and makes her haaaapy.

 

You'll hear people talk about the "affair fog" here.

 

What the affair fog is is the feel-good hormones that are flooding her brain are making her lose judgement and awareness of her real situation.

 

Assuming this is all just making googely eyes and flirtations with each other and they haven't actually had sex and orgasms yet, there are a couple things that may be pretty quick and effective at clearing the fog and bringing home reality.

 

- the first is meet with a good divorce attorney and draw up divorce papers detailing child are and custody arrangements, the division or marital property and requesting her to vacate the marital home.

 

- contact the OM and tell him to point his d1(k in another direction.

 

- inform his wife/partner of their growing involvement.

 

-if he is her superior or a membership of management, inform the HR department of the company as many companies have policies against romantic/sexual relations between managers and staff.

 

You don't have to actually file for divorce at this juncture but do have the papers prepared to file at any moment if the A does not immediately and permanently end.

 

You don't have to file now but do sit down with her and go over all the points of what you will be asking in divorce so that she will be making an informed decision on whether to continue the A or not.

 

If she continues her involvement with OM then she has made her choice and you can file the papers and proceed.

[oldshirt]

Now that all being said, I do have concerns that this may be more than an office EA.

 

The fact that she is continuing to see him and is working pretty dillegently to gaslight you and rug sweep this may be indication that this has progressed beyond making googely eyes and office flirtations.

 

I think you've only seen the very tip of the ice berg here.

 

Women that have young children do not continue to risk their children's homes and family unit after they've been busted unless they are having orgasms and are really getting filled with horny, feel-good hormones.

 

Stop asking her what she is doing and starting actually investigating it.

 

Either hire an actual PI or hack her computer, emails and social media.

 

Put a VAR and GPS tracker in her car.

 

Very often WSs will talk to their AP in the car so a VAR will often tell you what you need to know in short order.

 

There is far more going on here than you think you know.

[Life lessons]

I agree with old shirt-I think there's more going on as well and she's down playing it. If I were you, if you're able, surprise her at lunch. Don't let her know you're coming and pretend it's only a nice gesture. See if she's with him. See how she reacts. If it's that difficult to end the EA there may very well be more to it.

 

I know all about the addiction of both EA and PA's. I'm not doubting that it will be a little difficult for her to end an EA but if it's already progressed to a PA, it will be much more difficult to end.

Edited March 16, 2017 by Life lessons
Addition

[lolablue17]

I confronted and asked if I could see what she was doing, to which she said, "No."

The next morning she apologized, and said she was wrong to say no, and allowed me to see the conversations.

 

Are you kidding? This is the most common trick in the book. If I asked my wife to show me her phone and she'd said "No", I really wouldn't care anything she wants to show me the next day AFTER SHE HAD THE CHANCE TO DELETE ANY EVIDENCE FOR A P.A.

 

some can claim that she could have also deleted the EA texts, and still she hasn't... but believe me, there is so much that you don't know. You probably know 30-50% of the truth and I'm sure it was more than an EA.

[Dgar]

Are you kidding? This is the most common trick in the book. If I asked my wife to show me her phone and she'd said "No", I really wouldn't care anything she wants to show me the next day AFTER SHE HAD THE CHANCE TO DELETE ANY EVIDENCE FOR A P.A.

 

some can claim that she could have also deleted the EA texts, and still she hasn't... but believe me, there is so much that you don't know. You probably know 30-50% of the truth and I'm sure it was more than an EA.

Without going into details, I had already seen the messages before I asked to see them. She did not delete anything in that time period. When I asked, it was really just to see where her heart was. And when she decided to come clean the next day, she did (as far as I could tell.)

[drifter777]

when she decided to come clean the next day, she did (as far as I could tell.)

Here at LS, most of us assume that when a husband busts his wife having a "EA" that if the other man is local they have or are having sex. Maybe not in this case but it would be a first in my experience. This has been verified in every "my wife is having an EA" thread I've ever seen OR the husband has stopped posting before it is resolved.

 

Nothing you have learned makes me think your wife's affair is any different. The fact that she ferociously protected her phone until sharing it with you the next day - after she had plenty of time to clean it up - is very telling. The reason this is an important is that trying to reconcile with a wife how has had sex with the other man is much, much different than if she just flirted with some dude who lives in another part of the country or world. Much different.

 

You need to find out and you cannot rely on her for any clues. She has covered her tracks as well as she possibly can and will take the truth to her grave. She will never admit or verify anything that she knows you cannot prove.

 

I'm sorry you are here.

[oldshirt]

Without going into details, I had already seen the messages before I asked to see them. She did not delete anything in that time period. When I asked, it was really just to see where her heart was. And when she decided to come clean the next day, she did (as far as I could tell.)

 

WSs only confess what they know the BS knows.

 

You only know a tiny fraction of what's really going on at this point.

[harrybrown]

So if your wife was addicted to drugs. You would get her away from drugs.

 

Now she is addicted to the OM.

 

He is her drug. I hope you wake up in time.

 

If you had an A, how would she feel?

 

Have her go NC with the OM and get a different job.

 

Has she started protecting you and disclosed to HR and the OM's wife about their relationship?

[aileD]

She needs to get a new job and you need to have a serious talk and agree on boundaries .

[Jersey born raised]

You need to read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.

 

If you read it you will see some fimilar patterns and results of friendships that crossed the line and results. Like good oral hygiene, friendships with OSF is a must.

[Marc878]

Sorry man but if they have contact it will continue. You would be wise to inform other mans wife.

 

It's always an important first step. Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll end. And if they have contact it will became sexual.

 

Better wake up yo what you're dealing with.

[Dgar]

OM does not have a wife or other relationship that I know of. As such he is able to put all of his attention into mine which puts me at a severe disadvantage as I put energy into my entire family.

 

My wife claims to understand the significance of what is happening and has declared intent to cut things off.

 

We shall see. Thanks for all of your input.

[oldshirt]

Yeah and she's also claimed he's just a friend, claimed she's not having an affair and claimed she would severe all contact with him.

 

Her words mean nothing.

 

And quite frankly you're words mean nothing as well because her A has not cost her anything. This is all just background noise to her.

 

Take the steps I and the other posters have reccommended and take actual action here.

[BluesPower]

Yes, put your foot down...

 

Listen, you are being really companionate and understanding about this...

 

SO KNOCK IT THE F*** OFF. She is having an affair, period. That is what EA means, Emotional Affair.

 

You cannot tell me that she is really that naïve. And if he is you had better wake her up, or start looking for a lawyer.

 

Look, are you sure she is just not acting stupid, so you do blow up at her? Are you sure that it has not become physical?

 

You have to get on top of this situation and you may even have to raise your voice.

 

If you do not know it yet, woman do not respect weak men. She has already shown a great lack of respect for you already. Why do you think she said no when you asked for her phone. Because she knew it was wrong and she did not respect you enough to think that you would get pissed off. And if you did, who cares, because she has a nice alpha boy at work that wants to screw her.

 

I am not trying to be harsh to you, but you need to wake the hell up...

[Cephalopod]

The only way your wife will wake up from her limerance is to set your boundaries and tell her you have no intention of sharing her with another man. If you are not enough for her, then you are in the wrong marriage.

 

Tell her that she either goes full no-contact with this man or you will be seeing a lawyer. That is not driving her away. That is standing up for yourself, having self respect, and refusing to be taken advantage of.

 

It really is that simple. She will curse and yell and call you controlling...

 

And when she uses the "controlling" card simply say something like this to her:

 

"No. I am not trying to control you. In fact, you are free to make whatever choice you wish to make for the future of your life. But know this: I have the right to make choices for my own life. I choose not to share my wife with another man. I choose not to be taken advantage of.

 

I caught you once in a fledgling affair with this man. That one occasion was more than enough reason for me to divorce you and ask you to leave. You told me you would stop contacting him. Then, later on, you contacted him again, broke your promise to me and our marriage vows, and now you claim you cannot help yourself.

 

You make whatever choice you are going to make, and I will make the choices that I need to make to protect myself legally and emotionally. Understand that if you continue to pursue a relationship or maintain this relationship with this other man, I will be seeing a lawyer this week and I will file a petition to end our marriage. That is not me controlling you, that is simply me protecting myself. It is not a threat. It is a fact, and I will follow through with it."

[somanymistakes]

It's amazing how much people on this forum LEAP into insisting that everything will happen according to a perfect formula even with no evidence whatsoever.

 

Looking back at the first post, we have a guy saying his extremely socially isolated wife was finally, for the first time in ages, talking to other humans. And then that he found "the first stages of an EA". No other information. No idea what HE thinks 'the first stages of an EA' actually are. (OP, I'm not accusing you of anything here, just pointing out that it would be possible for someone who doesn't like his wife talking to members of the opposite sex period to come in and say such a thing even if the total of what his wife had said to someone else was 'Hello'.)

 

And from that, from that and ZERO other evidence, everyone is quickly piling up with

 

"Oh, it was much more than that! Oh, she definitely deleted many more messages you didn't see! She's met up with him behind your back! They've had sex! They're plotting to run away together! You MUST demand a divorce! Lawyers, immediately! Hire PROFESSIONAL STALKERS to harass her! Wiretap her! Make her quit her job and keep her locked up in the house!"

 

... Does this really sound like a sensible reaction to you?

[aileD]

^^^. Agree with that. However the fact is that he told her he was uncomfortable with the relationship she had with the other man and she isn't respecting his wishes to end it completely.

 

So that makes people wonder

[BluesPower]

It's amazing how much people on this forum LEAP into insisting that everything will happen according to a perfect formula even with no evidence whatsoever.

 

Looking back at the first post, we have a guy saying his extremely socially isolated wife was finally, for the first time in ages, talking to other humans. And then that he found "the first stages of an EA". No other information. No idea what HE thinks 'the first stages of an EA' actually are. (OP, I'm not accusing you of anything here, just pointing out that it would be possible for someone who doesn't like his wife talking to members of the opposite sex period to come in and say such a thing even if the total of what his wife had said to someone else was 'Hello'.)

 

And from that, from that and ZERO other evidence, everyone is quickly piling up with

 

"Oh, it was much more than that! Oh, she definitely deleted many more messages you didn't see! She's met up with him behind your back! They've had sex! They're plotting to run away together! You MUST demand a divorce! Lawyers, immediately! Hire PROFESSIONAL STALKERS to harass her! Wiretap her! Make her quit her job and keep her locked up in the house!"

 

... Does this really sound like a sensible reaction to you?

 

somanymistakes,

 

Yes it is sensible. Here is what will happen. He will still be suspicions about his wife over the next few weeks. OP will eventually hire a PI, or put a VAR in her car.

 

Then he will find out that the affair is physical. He will understand that she was gas lighting him.

 

And then, OP will start posting about how his life is over and he does not know what to do.

 

I don't even want to count how many time this has happened...

[oldshirt]

The only way your wife will wake up from her limerance is to set your boundaries and tell her you have no intention of sharing her with another man. If you are not enough for her, then you are in the wrong marriage.

 

Tell her that she either goes full no-contact with this man or you will be seeing a lawyer. That is not driving her away. That is standing up for yourself, having self respect, and refusing to be taken advantage of.

 

It really is that simple. She will curse and yell and call you controlling...

 

And when she uses the "controlling" card simply say something like this to her:

 

"No. I am not trying to control you. In fact, you are free to make whatever choice you wish to make for the future of your life. But know this: I have the right to make choices for my own life. I choose not to share my wife with another man. I choose not to be taken advantage of.

 

I caught you once in a fledgling affair with this man. That one occasion was more than enough reason for me to divorce you and ask you to leave. You told me you would stop contacting him. Then, later on, you contacted him again, broke your promise to me and our marriage vows, and now you claim you cannot help yourself.

 

You make whatever choice you are going to make, and I will make the choices that I need to make to protect myself legally and emotionally. Understand that if you continue to pursue a relationship or maintain this relationship with this other man, I will be seeing a lawyer this week and I will file a petition to end our marriage. That is not me controlling you, that is simply me protecting myself. It is not a threat. It is a fact, and I will follow through with it."

 

 

What cephalopod said is golden, however youve lost credibility with her and you will to preface those words with strong actions first in order to have any impact on her.

 

To have this actually have any meaning for her though, you need to have already worked out a divorce plan with your lawyer and have the divorce papers already drawn up and presented to her so she can physically see it in black and white and touch it and feel it physically.

 

Otherwise it is simply your lips moving and more words coming out of your mouth.

 

You have already huffed and puffed said a bunch things but you haven't actually done anything while she has continued her involvement with him.

 

At this point she has no reason to stop seeing him because you haven't actually done anything besides whining.

 

From her standpoint, the fun and excitement of getting down with him is worth putting up with some whining. If you want to keep her out of his bed, you have to make it so that it costs her more than the fun she will get from the A.

[oldshirt]

It's amazing how much people on this forum LEAP into insisting that everything will happen according to a perfect formula even with no evidence whatsoever.

 

Looking back at the first post, we have a guy saying his extremely socially isolated wife was finally, for the first time in ages, talking to other humans. And then that he found "the first stages of an EA". No other information. No idea what HE thinks 'the first stages of an EA' actually are. (OP, I'm not accusing you of anything here, just pointing out that it would be possible for someone who doesn't like his wife talking to members of the opposite sex period to come in and say such a thing even if the total of what his wife had said to someone else was 'Hello'.)

 

And from that, from that and ZERO other evidence, everyone is quickly piling up with

 

"Oh, it was much more than that! Oh, she definitely deleted many more messages you didn't see! She's met up with him behind your back! They've had sex! They're plotting to run away together! You MUST demand a divorce! Lawyers, immediately! Hire PROFESSIONAL STALKERS to harass her! Wiretap her! Make her quit her job and keep her locked up in the house!"

 

... Does this really sound like a sensible reaction to you?

 

 

It will as this plays out and more information comes to light.

 

If it comes out that he is delusional and an insanely paranoid and jealous person, then that will become apparent also.

 

As he doesn't sound delusional or insanely paranoid yet, I'm going to go with the assumption we are only seeing the tip of the ice berg until proven otherwise.

[Dgar]

I feel I should state that reason I say beginnings of an EA is because I literally caught this within the first 3 days of the relationship. I say that with confidence as I saw their introductory conversation.

 

My concern grew as I read the conversation because so much of it reminded me of our time dating. The OM is obviously attracted to her, and expresses an interest in the things she does while interspersing comments about her...beautiful name, where are you from, what do you like to do... quickly leading to " what are you up to right now" "We should get coffee" etc.

 

My wife put off these requests out of inability to comply...but not lack of desire to comply.

 

I do not think a PA was possible in the time given because we only have one car so it would have had to occur at work during lunch, and so many people there know that we are married. I'm pretty sure that this almost entirely text based.