I'm a weak coward

[calmb4thestorm]

I have been cake eating for over a year. I have been through Dday(s). I have gone to IC multiple times (with two different counselors). The counselors have both gently pushed me in the direction of 'R', but I've been slow to make any moves.

 

On paper, this seems like the logical thing to do. My BS has stood by me through all the hurt I've caused her. We even still enjoy frequent intimacy. I have loving children and a nice home. But my AP and BS serve two very different purposes. I am not very attracted to my BS anymore. She is my safe place. I am comfortable with the familiar. I live a facade.

 

Yet, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, if the opportunity presents itself, I will continue to seek intimacy with my AP and continue to betray my spouse. It is so destructive. In my talks in IC, I see the situation objectively for what it actually is, and I feel I should end it with AP and work on my marriage. But, in the back of my head, I still secretly long to be with my AP every day.

 

How do I get this out of my system? Do I acknowledge that I am unwilling to really invest in my marriage and call it a day? Do I leave both women and rebuild from scratch? Does my willingness to continue to betray my spouse over and over mean I should just give in to my desire and actually try an honest attempt with my AP? I fear hurting my BS and children (even though I obviously have already) and maybe I stay out of guilt? I hate how I feel all the time....and IC doesn't seem to resolve how I feel. Do I continue to eat cake and wait until one or the other decides for me? I know I deserve nothing.

[mikeylo]

It's not that you deserve nothing. You will be left with nothing if you continue this direction.

 

Take right action before it's too late.

[FoundMyStrength]

But my AP and BS serve two very different purposes.

 

I know you're admitted you're a cake-eater, but c'mon, women aren't put on this earth to "serve purposes" for men. We're human beings who deserve love, respect, and a modicum of decency, integrity, and fidelity.

 

If your wife is nothing more than a safe space where you make your bed and care for your kids, yes, you should leave her. Do it peaceably, don't do it in a way that damages your kids. But do it.

 

As for your OW, as a fOW, all I ever wanted was for xMM to make a decision, move forward with it, and not d*ck me around. I loved him, I would have tried for the whole package in an instant. But he had to want to be with me, and in a way where he never looked back. Nothing less was acceptable, because I'm also a human being who deserves love, respect, and all the rest. So if you do decide on the OW, please don't mess with her head. You've already done that enough.

[Telemachus]

You've been eating cake through deception by omission. It's actually cake that you'd promised you'd never eat.

 

"...really unwilling to invest in my marriage and call it a day?" That's what you've done, whether you admit it or not.

 

You've been, and continue to be, selfish, putting your pleasure above all, including your explicit commitments. Those marriage vows seemed like a good idea at the time, and then it wasn't fun anymore.

 

Perhaps you think that you've earned or deserve the right to unilaterally violate your marriage commitment, and to hide the fact that you continue to do it. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last, but it says something very clearly about you and your worth as a human being.

 

There's no solution to that. It's really not all that different from someone who strikes a pedestrian in a crosswalk, and drives off to leave the injured person in the street. Maybe that person can crawl to the curb, and maybe he or she will just get hit by another driver. It's what you've done to your family. Are you going to drive off, or are you going to at least take responsibility for what you've already done. The choice is yours.

 

Until now, you've put yourself and your pleasure first. In all likelihood, you'll continue to do just that.

[cocorico]

 

How do I get this out of my system? Do I acknowledge that I am unwilling to really invest in my marriage and call it a day? Do I leave both women and rebuild from scratch? Does my willingness to continue to betray my spouse over and over mean I should just give in to my desire and actually try an honest attempt with my AP? I fear hurting my BS and children (even though I obviously have already) and maybe I stay out of guilt? I hate how I feel all the time....and IC doesn't seem to resolve how I feel. Do I continue to eat cake and wait until one or the other decides for me? I know I deserve nothing.

 

You said you "live a facade". So you need to address that. Leave your M, leave your AP, work out who you are and who you should be, and take it from there. Once you are living authentically, in a way you're happy with and proud of, then worry about which - if any - woman you should be with. Hopefully once you're living authentically you will have a less instrumental view of other people, and will think of relationships as partnerships rather than means to provide you with something.

[calmb4thestorm]

There's no solution to that. It's really not all that different from someone who strikes a pedestrian in a crosswalk, and drives off to leave the injured person in the street. Maybe that person can crawl to the curb, and maybe he or she will just get hit by another driver. It's what you've done to your family. Are you going to drive off, or are you going to at least take responsibility for what you've already done. The choice is yours.

 

I appreciate the metaphor, but adultery is not a crime (at least where I live --even if it's morally reprehensible), whereas hit and run is. Am I lacking morals? Very clearly I am. But I am not a criminal. Anyway, I understand your point.

 

If I leave my wife, I want to and have every intention to be a good father to my children still. I am not sure how I will explain to them that I left their mother for my AP when they are older though.

[somanymistakes]

If you feel that your needs are unmet in your marriage, you need to talk to your wife openly and honestly about what you think those needs are, and that you are not willing to give them up - that you're not going to change. Then let her decide what to do and support her in whatever that is.

 

Since you have been a cheater until now, it's not likely that she's going to say "okay, let's try an open relationship, then" because that arrangement requires honesty and trust which you haven't been providing. Honestly at this point you shouldn't even suggest it because your poor suffering wife might feel like it's an ultimatum that she has to accept in order to keep the family together.

 

What ARE you willing to do for her?

[aileD]

I appreciate the metaphor, but adultery is not a crime (at least where I live --even if it's morally reprehensible), whereas hit and run is. Am I lacking morals? Very clearly I am. But I am not a criminal. Anyway, I understand your point.

 

If I leave my wife, I want to and have every intention to be a good father to my children still. I am not sure how I will explain to them that I left their mother for my AP when they are older though.

 

Any legal punishment is far less pain than you will feel when your children find out who you really are.

 

Why aren't you attracted to your wife? Is she fat? Old? Tired? What???

[aileD]

Also even if you leave for your AP there's a very very high chance it's not going to work out with her for the long run. So you should never leave FOR someone

[calmb4thestorm]

Why aren't you attracted to your wife? Is she fat? Old? Tired? What???

 

Yeah aileD, if I had to be bluntly honest, a large part of it is physical appearance. I know that's so incredibly superficial. But what am I to do? Not acknowledge my basic primal urges? Be less than happy with my sexual expectations my whole life? It is such a small thing and yet such a huge thing at the same time. Doesn't help that my AP is physically fit and gorgeous and amazing in bed too. Makes my mind really really struggle.

[Simple Logic]

I have been cake eating for over a year. I have been through Dday(s). I have gone to IC multiple times (with two different counselors). The counselors have both gently pushed me in the direction of 'R', but I've been slow to make any moves.

 

On paper, this seems like the logical thing to do. My BS has stood by me through all the hurt I've caused her. We even still enjoy frequent intimacy. I have loving children and a nice home. But my AP and BS serve two very different purposes. I am not very attracted to my BS anymore. She is my safe place. I am comfortable with the familiar. I live a facade.

 

Yet, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, if the opportunity presents itself, I will continue to seek intimacy with my AP and continue to betray my spouse. It is so destructive. In my talks in IC, I see the situation objectively for what it actually is, and I feel I should end it with AP and work on my marriage. But, in the back of my head, I still secretly long to be with my AP every day.

 

How do I get this out of my system? Do I acknowledge that I am unwilling to really invest in my marriage and call it a day? Do I leave both women and rebuild from scratch? Does my willingness to continue to betray my spouse over and over mean I should just give in to my desire and actually try an honest attempt with my AP? I fear hurting my BS and children (even though I obviously have already) and maybe I stay out of guilt? I hate how I feel all the time....and IC doesn't seem to resolve how I feel. Do I continue to eat cake and wait until one or the other decides for me? I know I deserve nothing.

 

Here is what you should do. 1. End your current marriage. 2. Take the AP. 3. Cheat on the AP.4. Let the AP dump your cake eating carcass.

[GorillaTheater]

Yeah aileD, if I had to be bluntly honest, a large part of it is physical appearance. I know that's so incredibly superficial. But what am I to do? Not acknowledge my basic primal urges? Be less than happy with my sexual expectations my whole life?

 

 

Two things:

 

 

1) Divorce your wife, freeing her up to be loved by someone in the way she needs, and freeing you up to bang whoever you want to.

 

 

2) Get out of the victim chair, already. Jesus.

[BaileyB]

Yeah aileD, if I had to be bluntly honest, a large part of it is physical appearance. I know that's so incredibly superficial. But what am I to do? Not acknowledge my basic primal urges? Be less than happy with my sexual expectations my whole life? It is such a small thing and yet such a huge thing at the same time. Doesn't help that my AP is physically fit and gorgeous and amazing in bed too. Makes my mind really really struggle.

 

And yet, you still say that you enjoy frequent intimacy with your wife. So, apparently your lack of attraction doesn't stop you from having sex at home.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeah aileD, if I had to be bluntly honest, a large part of it is physical appearance. I know that's so incredibly superficial. But what am I to do? Not acknowledge my basic primal urges? Be less than happy with my sexual expectations my whole life? It is such a small thing and yet such a huge thing at the same time. Doesn't help that my AP is physically fit and gorgeous and amazing in bed too. Makes my mind really really struggle.

 

This is not a good reason to leave your marriage. Granted I don't know what your wife looks like, are we talking your typical 40 something woman overburdened with work, family with no time to exercise and eating her kids cold leftovers due to exhaustion? Or is it something more serious? Can it be fixed or are you repulsed by her? Critical differences. My ex made my skin crawl but I never felt that way about my H, even during our worst times, or when he put on weight, etc.

 

Who do you love? Is your AP about love or sex? Trust me, your AP makes sure she looks her best when she sees you. We all get old, cranky, pudgy. Beauty fades.

 

Have you ever talked about what you want to your wife? Given her a chance? Arranged athletic activities together where she can become fit? Or are you just incompatible?

[somanymistakes]

Yeah aileD, if I had to be bluntly honest, a large part of it is physical appearance. I know that's so incredibly superficial. But what am I to do? Not acknowledge my basic primal urges? Be less than happy with my sexual expectations my whole life?

 

If your expectations are "I want to bang a hot 20-year-old every day, regardless of how not-20 and not-hot I am myself" then YES, you absolutely should be less than happy with your sexual expectations for the rest of your life, because your expectations are ridiculous and impossible.

 

If the problem is that your wife is now older, fatter, and saggier than when you first met her - well, hate to break it to you, but that will happen with the next girlfriend you find as well. You may call it a "basic primal urge" to have no loyalty and to always chase after the newest, hottest thing. Others may think that's a sign of being a psychopath - no ability to bond emotionally, no empathy. It's not love if you give up the second someone is less than perfect. Honestly, what did you think 'in sickness or in health' etc was supposed to mean?

 

Now, if your wife changed drastically in some way that you couldn't possibly have expected when you married her, then it's a little more understandable. Sad, but understandable.

 

As for sexual urges - personally, this is one of the things I think porn/masturbation is supposed to be for. You can take matters into your own hands without involving anyone else.

 

Or, again, if you'd started from a position of honest negotiation, you could have worked on trying to fix up your sex life with your wife OR pursuing other angles with permission. Many marriages come up with their own rules on recreational sex, whether that be swinging, escorts, open relationships, don't-ask-don't-tell, etc. It's too late for that now.

[viatori patuit]

Yeah aileD, if I had to be bluntly honest, a large part of it is physical appearance. I know that's so incredibly superficial. But what am I to do? Not acknowledge my basic primal urges? Be less than happy with my sexual expectations my whole life? It is such a small thing and yet such a huge thing at the same time. Doesn't help that my AP is physically fit and gorgeous and amazing in bed too. Makes my mind really really struggle.

 

Unlike many here I understand your point. I don't think being in a relationship with someone we find unattractive is productive for anyone.

 

Please - all these people telling you that it is inevitable or whatever have no idea about you or your current wife. maybe you are ripped and big and handsome. Or maybe you are a really fat ugly guy with lots of money. Or maybe you are really smooth with the ladies and can sweet talk anyone. Does not matter either way - the bottom line is you find her unattractive.

 

I will say that your are chicken sh*t for not following through and putting finality to the situation. I was in the exact same situation. My soon to be ex became physically unattractive to me. I work out real hard and became very conscious of the fact that she was not as exciting. I too started something with a much more attractive girl prior to ending my marriage (to my everlasting shame). I quickly ended both situations though - I left my marriage and dumped the girl.

 

No one should tell you that you should live without feeling attracted to your SO. You should stop being a puss and man up and make a decision.

 

Good luck.

[FoundMyStrength]

I will say that your are chicken sh*t for not following through and putting finality to the situation.

 

I'm with you, viatori. I think almost all MM would benefit from the concept of simply manning up and making a decision. Choose your wife. Choose OW. Do whatever makes sense. But do something.

[BourneWicked]

Was it "til death do you part," or "til fat and old and ugly," in your marriage vows?

 

Just saying But I agree. Attraction could be a deal breaker.

 

Grass is always greener and all that, but to my detriment I'm sure, I've never been in a relationship with someone I don't find physically attractive. Do others find them as attractive as I do? Not sure... but it's almost a sign of respect that I don't waste anyone's time if I'm not physically attracted to them.

 

If sex is important in your relationship, physical attraction might be too. Selfish and superficial, but you do just have the one life. Maybe don't spend it miserable.

[aileD]

The problem is not with your wife or your mistress.

 

The problem is your superficiality.

 

There's a great quote "A pretty face gets old, a nice body will change. But a good woman will always be a good woman"

 

Here's what you said about your mistress in another post:

 

kind of crazy, above-average (in looks and in the bedroom), flirty with others, and you have a bit of trouble trusting. They are loving and affectionate to you and you'd be happy to show them off to your friends, but you are uneasy about their values and boundaries. And while they won't cheat on you, there's always someone else waiting to get into their pants. You don't want to be their next ex

 

and here's what you say about your wife:

stable, average (in looks and the bedroom), loyal, and caring. You know they have good values

 

My BS has stood by me through all the hurt I've caused her. We still even ENJOY FREQUENT intimacy

 

She is my safe place

 

 

So.....do you want to be with a pretty face and nice body or a good woman? Because there will come a time when only one of those things will matter.

Edited March 14, 2017 by aileD

[gettingstronger]

Yes, you're a coward so do something about it. You're not committed to your marriage. Leave.

[viatori patuit]

Was it "til death do you part," or "til fat and old and ugly," in your marriage vows?

 

Just saying But I agree. Attraction could be a deal breaker.

 

Grass is always greener and all that, but to my detriment I'm sure, I've never been in a relationship with someone I don't find physically attractive. Do others find them as attractive as I do? Not sure... but it's almost a sign of respect that I don't waste anyone's time if I'm not physically attracted to them.

 

If sex is important in your relationship, physical attraction might be too. Selfish and superficial, but you do just have the one life. Maybe don't spend it miserable.

 

I think the lack of attraction for me was strongly tied to the fact I didn't love her anymore. I stopped looking for the good and looked for the bad. Horrible I know, but it is worse to keep a bad situation going.

[Mr Blunt]

By Calmb4the storm

Without a shadow of a doubt, if the opportunity presents itself, I will continue to seek intimacy with my AP and continue to betray my spouse.

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

Do something good for your wife. Divorce her and set her free because she is too weak to dump you. Your priority is sex with a woman that has a good body and you put that above your wife and children. If you really want to do something good then help your wife dump you. Make sure that you let her know that she is a good woman but that you are selfish and will not sacrifice for your wife or your children.

 

 

You have been to IC several times so why are you telling us your character faults? You know what you should do but you are not going to do it so help your wife became free. She may be able to get another man that has more character than you do. You hate yourself so do something that will be good; give your wife a chance at getting a man that has more character than you do.

[Midwestmissy]

If you're being a coward, then put the decision in the hands of your wife. Tell her exactly what's going on, how gorgeous and sexy the other woman is, how you feel, and let her make a choice. The only reason you haven't done this is because you're concerned about how it will make you look, and you also are trying to control the outcome here. Cheaters who want to leAve just leave. You are a total coward, for sure.

 

Once your wife knows, you don't get to control the outcome anymore. And that fear and selfishness is greater than anything you feel for either woman. This is all about you you you. Please let your wife have the happy life she deserves. She values her vows and deserves a man who does as well. I think you and the ow are well suited, and you both know the other person is a very capable liar and cheat. And you know how going full into that relationship will not give you the cozy, faithful landing spot you have with your wife. If you were committed to the ow, you would be gone. You've made yourself a mess here.

[dichotomy]

If your AP was THE woman for you - you would have left for her already.

 

Cake eating implies you like and want both things and would not be happy with just one. I can understand this - even if I dont condone it.

[cluelesswoman]

Dear Cake Eater,

 

You won't tell your wife because, as you said, you are a coward. It really also doesn't matter what your wife does or how she looks. Even if you are unhappy with her weight & she loses weight it won't be enough. Trust me, I lost 40lbs (which landed me at a fit 120lbs) right smack dab in the middle of my WH 3 year affair & managed to keep it off. He didnt' even really notice. You're keeping up the facade of marriage by having sex with her so she thinks everything is business as usual. The only way you're going to "stop" is to have a DDay. It will be horrible for everyone except you (even though you will feel it's really awful for you)! You brought all this upon yourself & your trusting wife. You truly do not understand the devastation you have cause or is looming around you. Just get divorced & figure out who you truly are. Nothing good can come of what is happening right now. Think about how you once felt for your wife & free her to find someone that will truly love her. The way you thought you did. That person is not you.

 

It also seems he didn't get his desired responses & hasn't replied to anyone's suggestions or advice since yesterday.