My Affair + SO PPD = Divorce?

[usmgold]

Hi all, thanks in advance for reading. I am a new member although I have been coming to LS for years to read the forums.

 

Background -

My wife and I have been married for 8 years (would have been 9 in just a few weeks...) and have been together for 14 years total (college sweethearts). I am 34, she is 33. We have a wonderful 2 and a half year old baby boy who is the joy of our life. For the first 5 years of our marriage we were an idyllic couple, the ones that make you sick with how happy they are. We were always the couple that everyone turned to when they had marital issues and we helped many couples through their trials and tribulations. Around the 5 year mark we decided to try for a baby and shortly thereafter had our little man. Within weeks I knew something was wrong, but I didn't "know" what it was or how to deal with it. Many of our friends and family members noticed that my wife was down, but attributed it to the "baby blues". We pushed through those oh-so-difficult first few months telling ourselves it would get better.

 

Well, it didn't.

 

My wife was emotionally absent from both the baby and myself, very short tempered with the baby and very irritable. Sex became very infrequent ( once every 6 weeks or so, although she was a once a every two girl anyway) , as was any lack of typical physical intimacy (no kissing, hugging, snuggling, hand holding, back rubs, anything ). After a few months of feeling this way, I insisted that she see a counselor. The counselor saw her for one session and insisted that I come and that we do it as a couple. I happily consented to MC as I wanted my wife/life back. Things began to slowly improve over a 2 month period but then slowly started to deteriorate again. When the holidays (Dec 2015) rolled around, my wife refused to decorate the house, my SIL and myself put a tree up and decorated the house so my son could have a family Christmas. The warning signs were all over the place, but I didn't see them or unconsciously averted my eyes from them. Fast forward 2 months (Feb 2016), nothing has changed but we are know going to MC weekly. I also began seeking individual counseling to process all of this myself. Despite the counselor's and my own insistence, my wife declines to participate in individual therapy. Around this same time period, I begin having an affair with a woman that my wife and I have known for years. My AP and I have had an attraction for years that never materialized into anything until know. Her marriage was rocky from the get go and mine was falling into disrepair, a dangerous combination. In the beginning the affair was to be a short term physical thing as an outlet for the emotions and frustrations that were coming from homelife. Two months after the affair starts, my wife is diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and severe anxiety. She begins medication immediately with mixed results. While the medication did in fact help her mental well-being, it did not assist in her emotional well-being. I, now participating in a full blown torrid affair, cannot emotionally support her because I am focusing my needs elsewhere. We continue counseling but it becomes evident to me that we are both paying the counselor lip service and not really trying. We were both faking it. This continues on for months but I am slowly checking out of our marriage. The medication starts to less of an effect, my wife starts gaining weight, disconnects from family and friends, becomes extremely negative and critical of almost everyone, refuses to participate in social events, spends hours by herself in her room, comes home from work only to immediately change into sweatpants and retire to her bed to read. She quit helping with household chores, I did all laundry, meal prep and cleaning of the house. She did continue to assist in taking care of the baby, but that was it.

 

While this is all happening, I am determining that I do not have to live my life this way. Despite my pleas to get her to understand the effect all of this is having on our marriage, she continues to give it little effort. The affair continues.

 

Nothing of significance happens until Dec 2016. During this time we have basically become roommates. Other than the occasional "had to much drink" hookup, we do not kiss or have sex. At one, I slept in the spare bed room for two weeks but it did not have an effect on her. Right around Christmas time she confronts me about my AP. She had no proof, but believes we are in an EA. I confess the EA but not the PA. It is Christmas Eve, she asks me to leave. I ask for a few days to let the holiday pass and she agrees. I tell her we should consider separating as I do not see how things can move forward, I am miserable with her at the house and can tell she isn't happy as well. At this time I declare to her that I feel like she didn't try very hard over the past 18 months to improve our marriage. She agrees, but says the caveat to that is that she hasn't tried because the whole time she thinks that I have been having a PA. While it is true that I have been having a PA, she had no evidence to go on and no reason to believe it whatsoever. She also tells me that she could go the rest of her life without having sex, something that has been a point of contention for us for years. Two weeks into the new year, I move out.

 

Current Day -

 

I intended the separation to be a time period of reflection and attempting to reconcile if I felt the "spark" was still there. I don't feel it. At all. We've had lunches and get togethers and I do not feel anything towards her, not disdain, not hate, not love, just nothing. We've gotten together a few times in counseling and outside counseling where I have tried to explain the damage done to our marriage. She has become serious about getting her PPD treated and has indicated to me that she feels it is the primary reason for her behavior. She began to make good strides with it, but it was too late. The fire in my heart for our marriage was dead. I eventually agree with her the PPD was a major factor, but it doesn't stop/excuse the damage that was done. That, and with my needs being augmented by the AP, led me slowly detach from the marriage and become emotionally stable without my wife. My wife recently pushed the issue that I make a hard decision as to whether or not to work on the marriage or tell her it was over. I told her that I was done. I had nothing left to give or any will to try. She point blank accused me of giving up on "us" and "her". I don't feel this is a fair statement, but for some reason it bothers me incredibly bad. I also feel immense guilt, not sure if it is because I am being selfish seeking my own happiness, guilt over the PA or if it is because I feel awful that I am causing a woman I spent every day with 14 years so much pain. Despite the fact I was unhappy in our marriage, I still feel awful for ending it.

 

Does anyone have insight on this? I feel like even w/o the PA eventually the marriage would've failed because of the PPD and the lack of treatment it was getting. Why did she wait until after I left before she got serious about treatment?

[GoldenR]

There's absolutely no way for you to attempt to R as long as you're in contact in any way with your AP. You may think you can, you may think that if your M gets better that you'll drop your OM, but there's no way for it to get better while involved with an OM.

 

But the first thing you need to do is come clean to your W about your PA. Give her the info she needs in order for her to make a decision regarding if SHE wants to be with YOU. You lost that right when you stepped out.

[aileD]

You've reached indifference--which is the opposite of love

 

Divorce her and set her free. Never get married or vow those vows to anyone else since they don't mean much anyway.

 

Good luck in your next relationship, I hope she never gets ill.

Edited September 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Starswillshine]

You spent so much time discussing all these things your wife "did". You went to MC to try to repair a marriage while being in an affair. You can't reconcile and repair your marriage while you are lying. While you are still living in this fantasy bubble of what this other person can "give" you.

 

Are you at least honest with your IC?

[BluesPower]

I won't be that hard, but you don't love her anymore, better to divorce and start over.

 

You could not handle the depression, but gotta say 2 years is pretty poor. But at least you did not put yourself through 26 years of trying to help someone the won't help themselves. Five years would have been a better showing.

 

The affair was wrong, I understand why it happened, it is always wrong.

 

Allie is right, indifference is the opposite of love, so you have to get out.

 

The whole thing went to pot, and your affair did not help, but it was looking like the marriage was headed this way anyway.

 

Get out, pay your child support and move on...

[usmgold]

Blues, 100% honest with IC. (Who, of note, has advised *against* coming clean about the PA unless absolutely necessary. His advice is that there is no need to cause additional pain to my W just to assuage myself of the guilt). Also, I have no delusions of what the OW can provide, or grandiose thoughts that I'm going to start a new life with her that will be magical and without issues. Not kidding myself that a relationship born out of secrecy and adultery will lead anywhere....

 

Why did it take me walking out the door for her to get serious about sorting out the PPD?

 

Why five years? Why not ten? Wait til my son is a teenager? Let our family unit live in the black cloud that existed in our home? I'm not seeking validation for my actions, only insight and understanding as to the way I feel.

 

aileD, I hope you never have to go through what some people have when it comes to a depressive SO. I admit my weaknesses and failures, and while this may sounds selfish, unless you've been there you cannot imagine the toll a depressive SO puts on your soul. Eventually you must get out or you seek an outlet elsewhere. I found an outlet, it was wrong, but it happened. Easy on the judgement....

[wmacbride]

Hi all, thanks in advance for reading. I am a new member although I have been coming to LS for years to read the forums.

 

Background -

My wife and I have been married for 8 years (would have been 9 in just a few weeks...) and have been together for 14 years total (college sweethearts). I am 34, she is 33. We have a wonderful 2 and a half year old baby boy who is the joy of our life. For the first 5 years of our marriage we were an idyllic couple, the ones that make you sick with how happy they are. We were always the couple that everyone turned to when they had marital issues and we helped many couples through their trials and tribulations. Around the 5 year mark we decided to try for a baby and shortly thereafter had our little man. Within weeks I knew something was wrong, but I didn't "know" what it was or how to deal with it. Many of our friends and family members noticed that my wife was down, but attributed it to the "baby blues". We pushed through those oh-so-difficult first few months telling ourselves it would get better.

 

Well, it didn't.

 

My wife was emotionally absent from both the baby and myself, very short tempered with the baby and very irritable. Sex became very infrequent ( once every 6 weeks or so, although she was a once a every two girl anyway) , as was any lack of typical physical intimacy (no kissing, hugging, snuggling, hand holding, back rubs, anything ). After a few months of feeling this way, I insisted that she see a counselor. The counselor saw her for one session and insisted that I come and that we do it as a couple. I happily consented to MC as I wanted my wife/life back. Things began to slowly improve over a 2 month period but then slowly started to deteriorate again. When the holidays (Dec 2015) rolled around, my wife refused to decorate the house, my SIL and myself put a tree up and decorated the house so my son could have a family Christmas. The warning signs were all over the place, but I didn't see them or unconsciously averted my eyes from them. Fast forward 2 months (Feb 2016), nothing has changed but we are know going to MC weekly. I also began seeking individual counseling to process all of this myself. Despite the counselor's and my own insistence, my wife declines to participate in individual therapy. Around this same time period, I begin having an affair with a woman that my wife and I have known for years. My AP and I have had an attraction for years that never materialized into anything until know. Her marriage was rocky from the get go and mine was falling into disrepair, a dangerous combination. In the beginning the affair was to be a short term physical thing as an outlet for the emotions and frustrations that were coming from homelife. Two months after the affair starts, my wife is diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and severe anxiety. She begins medication immediately with mixed results. While the medication did in fact help her mental well-being, it did not assist in her emotional well-being. I, now participating in a full blown torrid affair, cannot emotionally support her because I am focusing my needs elsewhere. We continue counseling but it becomes evident to me that we are both paying the counselor lip service and not really trying. We were both faking it. This continues on for months but I am slowly checking out of our marriage. The medication starts to less of an effect, my wife starts gaining weight, disconnects from family and friends, becomes extremely negative and critical of almost everyone, refuses to participate in social events, spends hours by herself in her room, comes home from work only to immediately change into sweatpants and retire to her bed to read. She quit helping with household chores, I did all laundry, meal prep and cleaning of the house. She did continue to assist in taking care of the baby, but that was it.

 

While this is all happening, I am determining that I do not have to live my life this way. Despite my pleas to get her to understand the effect all of this is having on our marriage, she continues to give it little effort. The affair continues.

 

Nothing of significance happens until Dec 2016. During this time we have basically become roommates. Other than the occasional "had to much drink" hookup, we do not kiss or have sex. At one, I slept in the spare bed room for two weeks but it did not have an effect on her. Right around Christmas time she confronts me about my AP. She had no proof, but believes we are in an EA. I confess the EA but not the PA. It is Christmas Eve, she asks me to leave. I ask for a few days to let the holiday pass and she agrees. I tell her we should consider separating as I do not see how things can move forward, I am miserable with her at the house and can tell she isn't happy as well. At this time I declare to her that I feel like she didn't try very hard over the past 18 months to improve our marriage. She agrees, but says the caveat to that is that she hasn't tried because the whole time she thinks that I have been having a PA. While it is true that I have been having a PA, she had no evidence to go on and no reason to believe it whatsoever. She also tells me that she could go the rest of her life without having sex, something that has been a point of contention for us for years. Two weeks into the new year, I move out.

 

Current Day -

 

I intended the separation to be a time period of reflection and attempting to reconcile if I felt the "spark" was still there. I don't feel it. At all. We've had lunches and get togethers and I do not feel anything towards her, not disdain, not hate, not love, just nothing. We've gotten together a few times in counseling and outside counseling where I have tried to explain the damage done to our marriage. She has become serious about getting her PPD treated and has indicated to me that she feels it is the primary reason for her behavior. She began to make good strides with it, but it was too late. The fire in my heart for our marriage was dead. I eventually agree with her the PPD was a major factor, but it doesn't stop/excuse the damage that was done. That, and with my needs being augmented by the AP, led me slowly detach from the marriage and become emotionally stable without my wife. My wife recently pushed the issue that I make a hard decision as to whether or not to work on the marriage or tell her it was over. I told her that I was done. I had nothing left to give or any will to try. She point blank accused me of giving up on "us" and "her". I don't feel this is a fair statement, but for some reason it bothers me incredibly bad. I also feel immense guilt, not sure if it is because I am being selfish seeking my own happiness, guilt over the PA or if it is because I feel awful that I am causing a woman I spent every day with 14 years so much pain. Despite the fact I was unhappy in our marriage, I still feel awful for ending it.

 

Does anyone have insight on this? I feel like even w/o the PA eventually the marriage would've failed because of the PPD and the lack of treatment it was getting. Why did she wait until after I left before she got serious about treatment?

 

Stop rationalizing. Just stop.Your wife did not make you cheat. You did that all on your own, and one of the lines you wrote is very telling. You have been attracted toy our ow for some time. You knew this, you knew the risks, yet you went ahead anyway.

 

You have cheated on a mentally ill woman, who got that way because she wanted to have a child with you. She knows you cheated ( I doubt she's foolish enough to believe you) and you are wondering why she has reached this point?

 

I also doubt she's acting as badly as you are trying to paint her. If she was, why is she well enough to care for your son while you are out sleeping with your ow?

 

If you really don't love your wife anymore, fair enough. It's the cheating that's the issue. You have tried to wrap a skunk cabbage in rose petals, but it doesn't work.It still stinks.

 

( btw, before you write off what I said with " you couldn't understand"...yes, I do. My spouse coped with mental illness, as did my daughter. I've seen some really terrifying behavior. It would not excuse me having an affair)

[wmacbride]

Blues, 100% honest with IC. (Who, of note, has advised *against* coming clean about the PA unless absolutely necessary. His advice is that there is no need to cause additional pain to my W just to assuage myself of the guilt). Also, I have no delusions of what the OW can provide, or grandiose thoughts that I'm going to start a new life with her that will be magical and without issues. Not kidding myself that a relationship born out of secrecy and adultery will lead anywhere....

 

Why did it take me walking out the door for her to get serious about sorting out the PPD?

 

Why five years? Why not ten? Wait til my son is a teenager? Let our family unit live in the black cloud that existed in our home? I'm not seeking validation for my actions, only insight and understanding as to the way I feel.

 

aileD, I hope you never have to go through what some people have when it comes to a depressive SO. I admit my weaknesses and failures, and while this may sounds selfish, unless you've been there you cannot imagine the toll a depressive SO puts on your soul. Eventually you must get out or you seek an outlet elsewhere. I found an outlet, it was wrong, but it happened. Easy on the judgement....

Pot meet kettle.

I would suggest that you actually read people's backstories before you judge their comments. You might be surprised at what some spouses have been through...and guess what? They didn't cheat.

 

I expect that you think i'm being unkind to you or judging you. Maybe I am, but the reason is that, unless you acknowledge and accept responsibility, your coping mechanism ( cheating)can become baggage you carry to your next relationship.

 

You say yourself that cheating was a bad idea. You're right, and all the reasons in the world won't change that.

[aileD]

Blues, 100% honest with IC. (Who, of note, has advised *against* coming clean about the PA unless absolutely necessary. His advice is that there is no need to cause additional pain to my W just to assuage myself of the guilt). Also, I have no delusions of what the OW can provide, or grandiose thoughts that I'm going to start a new life with her that will be magical and without issues. Not kidding myself that a relationship born out of secrecy and adultery will lead anywhere....

 

Why did it take me walking out the door for her to get serious about sorting out the PPD?

 

Why five years? Why not ten? Wait til my son is a teenager? Let our family unit live in the black cloud that existed in our home? I'm not seeking validation for my actions, only insight and understanding as to the way I feel.

 

aileD, I hope you never have to go through what some people have when it comes to a depressive SO. I admit my weaknesses and failures, and while this may sounds selfish, unless you've been there you cannot imagine the toll a depressive SO puts on your soul. Eventually you must get out or you seek an outlet elsewhere. I found an outlet, it was wrong, but it happened. Easy on the judgement....

 

Oh believe me, you have no idea what I've been through. Lol. I never cheated on my spouse though.

 

Why did it take you leaving for her to seek help? Because she loves you that much. That's why. Why couldn't she do it before? She couldn't. That's the nature of depression. Often people severely depressed cannot seek help themselves, they just can't make it happen. What did you do to help? Did you take the reigns on her health care when she couldn't? Did you call doctors, and try to get her in programs and be positive towards her? I hope that you did.

 

Depression isn't just a state of mind, it's a disease. If she had cancer and couldn't get help for herself would you have been upset you weren't getting enough marital attention and run off and have an affair? I hope not. Some do though.

 

It's too far gone now anyway. There's no need to explain or defend yourself now. It's just too late. You can't do marriage counseing while having an affair and say it didn't help. Lol. I understand your need to be selfish. We all have that in our nature, some actnonbit more than others.

 

I hope that she gets the help she needs. I'll pray for you both that you receive peace on your lives and your children feel comfort and love

[DDTA]

Why did it take me walking out the door for her to get serious about sorting out the PPD?

 

Why the hell didn't you sit her down and tell her you were going to divorce her and find someone who can meet YOUR needs if she didn't get serious with the PPD treatment?!?!?

 

How about you try some real honesty for a change? I think your IC is an idiot.

[aileD]

So you're going to go for full custody of your kids right? Because of the black cloud of her depression that's fallen over your house?

 

Listen. Your kids aren't dumb. Someday they'll find out their dad cheated on and left their mom because she was sick due to having THEM . And then, no matter how much you loved them in the meantime, it won't matter. Because they'll see it as their fault mom got sick and you left. And they'll hate you for hurting their mother. Trust me on this one, pot. From kettle.

[HangnTN]

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

- Elie Wiesel

 

Divorce her. Get on with your life. Hanging on in the unbearable lightness of her being is soul crushing. She's lost. Leave or she'll bring you down further. There's a time when you have to cut away the rigging to save the ship. That's you and your son.

[aileD]

Ok listen. Everyone is coming down hard on you. I get it. It's tough when you feel one way and everyone else is telling you you're wrong .

 

But listen. This is real life. Your FAMILY. The woman that you vowed to spend your entire life with, The woman who you got down on one knee and asked to trust you with her future and life, the woman you stood before God or whoever at your wedding and in front of your family and vowed to take care of her for the rest of her life no matter what- sickness health rich poor good or bad. TThe woman you sat and planned a family and a future with. The woman who sacrificed her health and sanity to bear your children and create your family is hurting and helpless and you're being completely and utterly selfish

 

Wake up. This is your wife. This is your children. No matter how much you love them divorce still destroys them. And what are you doing? Is this the man You wanted to be when you proposed? Is this the man you wanted to be when you stood before your family and said "I choose you, not matter what?" Is this the man you wanted to be when you said "let's bring litttle lives into this world and create a family" ???????

 

**** happens. Your wife got sick. Marriage isn't about only the good times. Sometimes you struggle and sometimes its hell, but it's not like she's out there purposefully hurting you. She's hurting and she wasn't like this before the PPD was she?

 

Run if you must but it's very sad for your family. This stuff disgusts me. I'm sorry. Is this the type of man that your mother would be proud of? There's a quote that says "it's sad when you're loyal to someone and they're out there embarrassing you".

 

Don't be that guy.

Edited March 8, 2017 by aileD

[Telemachus]

She worked and cared for the baby. You say 'that's all.' News to you - that's a lot.

 

Having experienced marital ups and downs, I generally don't think in terms of villians and victims. However, even by your own telling of the story, it's clear that she's a victim, and you're a villian.

 

If there's a scarlet letter to be worn, it's by you.

[GoldenR]

Blues, 100% honest with IC. (Who, of note, has advised *against* coming clean about the PA unless absolutely necessary. His advice is that there is no need to cause additional pain to my W just to assuage myself of the guilt). Also, I have no delusions of what the OW can provide, or grandiose thoughts that I'm going to start a new life with her that will be magical and without issues. Not kidding myself that a relationship born out of secrecy and adultery will lead anywhere....

 

Why did it take me walking out the door for her to get serious about sorting out the PPD?

 

Why five years? Why not ten? Wait til my son is a teenager? Let our family unit live in the black cloud that existed in our home? I'm not seeking validation for my actions, only insight and understanding as to the way I feel.

 

aileD, I hope you never have to go through what some people have when it comes to a depressive SO. I admit my weaknesses and failures, and while this may sounds selfish, unless you've been there you cannot imagine the toll a depressive SO puts on your soul. Eventually you must get out or you seek an outlet elsewhere. I found an outlet, it was wrong, but it happened. Easy on the judgement....

 

 

So what is it that you want from this place? I honestly have no idea...

[BluesPower]

Blues, 100% honest with IC. (Who, of note, has advised *against* coming clean about the PA unless absolutely necessary. His advice is that there is no need to cause additional pain to my W just to assuage myself of the guilt). Also, I have no delusions of what the OW can provide, or grandiose thoughts that I'm going to start a new life with her that will be magical and without issues. Not kidding myself that a relationship born out of secrecy and adultery will lead anywhere....

 

Why did it take me walking out the door for her to get serious about sorting out the PPD?

 

Why five years? Why not ten? Wait til my son is a teenager? Let our family unit live in the black cloud that existed in our home? I'm not seeking validation for my actions, only insight and understanding as to the way I feel.

 

aileD, I hope you never have to go through what some people have when it comes to a depressive SO. I admit my weaknesses and failures, and while this may sounds selfish, unless you've been there you cannot imagine the toll a depressive SO puts on your soul. Eventually you must get out or you seek an outlet elsewhere. I found an outlet, it was wrong, but it happened. Easy on the judgement....

 

Because 5 is better than 10...

 

Listen, I have been where you are at. I thought that I was doing the right thing, staying with my wife. I loved her to death. Turns out that I really wasted at least 15 years of my life. I could have moved on, got custody of the kids and raised them completely on my own, which I did for the most part any way.

 

Dude no judgment from me, just facts. And listen, you are not even in my league as far as affairs go. Once I let the cat out of the bag I was gone.

 

So I totally understand.

 

If she cannot be helped or you have lost the love, affair or not, get out now.

[Try]

His advice is that there is no need to cause additional pain to my W just to assuage myself of the guilt

Stop hiding behind your IC, and behind the not wanting to hurt her bull. Just do the right thing and tell her of the affair. You have been selfish in not supporting her while she went through her medical condition after the baby. Please do not be selfish in letting her blame herself for not being able to fix the marriage after she received treatment. Your wife needs to know about the affair, because she needs to know that she can stop questioning herself about what she could have done differently, since the truth is that she had no real chance at reconciliation while you were participating in "a full blown torrid affair". Things happened and will continue to happen to your wife's life because of the affair, and she needs to know why these things happened. When you tell her about the affair, things will start to fall into place and will start to make better sense to her. Be a decent person to her and tell her about the affair today.

[merrmeade]

Your IC is dead wrong and irresponsible. Telling you to lie more on top of all the rationalization you're doing to justify your affair? That's just the devil wooing you into giving up the rest of your soul, in my opinion.

 

Seriously, if you really want out of this situation and your real life back, then you want yourSELF back if you can remember a time when you were an honest, decent person that could be trusted. You won't like yourself in a few years if you continue down this path of deception. It helps no one, least of all your wife.

 

The devil imagery is just a metaphor.

[Whoknew30]

I think it's completely amusing that anyone would tell you that your therapist is wrong about telling her...don't listen to that. A jaded BS advice should NOT come before a professional that knows your complete situation!

 

I find the statement, little weird that you & your wife would have too much to drink & then have sex...due to the reason if she was too depressed to make it to therapy but not too depressed to be able to drink & or go out.

 

 

My advice, don't tell her & move on. You don't seem to love her & the longer you stay the more animosity you're going to build up, on top of the A will be found out & then she'll have the excuse to blame you for everything. That is rode you don't want to go down, especially if you don't love her.

 

Don't ever stay with someone bc you feel sorry for or pity them...it doesn't work & makes everyone involved miserable.good luck

[cocorico]

Does anyone have insight on this? I feel like even w/o the PA eventually the marriage would've failed because of the PPD and the lack of treatment it was getting. Why did she wait until after I left before she got serious about treatment?

 

Welcome usmgold.

 

I do think it's unfair to expect a spouse to be a bottomless pit of support - you've tried to be supportive, she wouldn't / couldn't / didn't reciprocate, and you reached your limit. That's fair enough IMO. I've suffered debilitating depression, I know what it's like; I was also married to a depressive who wallowed and refused to address the depression until I left. And then, once I stayed gone, stopped trying. I get that. No judgment from me. Ups for trying; sorry it wasn't enough. You can't love someone better. You need to look after yourself and your kid. That's why I left - if I'd stayed, and been more "supportive", eventually I'd have burned out and been dragged down too. At least this way your kid gets one healthy parent.

 

The A - no judgment from me either. You do what you need to do to survive. My H (current H - not the guy I left) had an A in desperation, too. It helped him to survive, got him out of his toxic M. If it did that for you too, then small price to pay IMO.

 

To answer your questions: the M was no sustainable in that form. Yes, it would have collapsed, since you could not carry the M and your kid and your wife alone. If she was unwilling / unable to accept help, sooner or later it would have imploded anyway. The A provided you with some respite, as well as helping you separate and not get dragged down. Bad for the M, perhaps, but good for yourself.

 

She waited until her options ran out. Before then, she had no real need to address anything - you were doing that for her. Once you were unwilling to carry her, she had to pick herself up. Now she's faced with a choice - does she give in to the comfort zone again, and relapse, letting other people take care of her, or does she use the wake up call to pull things together? That's her choice, and I hope for your kid's sake she chooses the latter - but don't count on it. My xH never did.

 

If you'd given in and gone back, chances are she'd allow herself to relapse - crisis over, she's managed to get you to stay, now she'd just slip back into the comfy role of having you take care of it all again. Not good for any ofmyou. Walk, and keep walking. Take care of your kid. Hopefully she'll use the impetus and get help - and stick with it. At least that way you stand a chance of a constructive relationship as coparents. Otherwise you're doomed to a relationship of dependency, despair and depression. Your kid doesn't need that, and neither do you.

Edited September 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HangnTN]

So I stayed in a marriage with a crazy woman. Multiple personality disorder--there were three of her. One manic. One a bottomless pit of dispair.

 

I stayed for the kids--two. As the eldest child of a divorced family, I told myself I'd never put my kids through that. And, I was wrong. In the end, staying with her meant continuing to expose them to her craziness 24/7.

 

Divorce would have been hard, especially in California where men are routinely demonized and discriminated against by the courts...But I could have put up a fight and made the case that she was nuts. And, who know's which one of her would have shown up for court?

 

I left when the last kid left for college. That meant I'd ruined with soul-smashing pain 15 years of my life--that's about 25 percent of my adult life if I live to be 90.

 

Was it worth it? No. And, this rings in my head....my youngest, my daughter, now an adult once said: "Dad, I can't believe you stayed with mom for as long as you did. She was awful."

Edited March 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[PinkPampies]

My ex husband had several affairs while married. We went to counseling. The therapist said right off the bat that he will not provide therapy if there is an active affair. It's counterproductive.

 

If you want opinions, I believe the best thing would be to drop the affair for now, support your child, and do some real introspection. After some time, you may realize you want your family to work, and can approach it without being clouded by the affair. It will take a lot of work.

 

If not, you can then walk away knowing you have it your best effort.

 

But don't think in any way, that you can try to save your marriage while having an affair. It's like trying to start a fire with wet wood.

[Simple Logic]

Hi all, thanks in advance for reading. I am a new member although I have been coming to LS for years to read the forums.

 

Background -

My wife and I have been married for 8 years (would have been 9 in just a few weeks...) and have been together for 14 years total (college sweethearts). I am 34, she is 33. We have a wonderful 2 and a half year old baby boy who is the joy of our life. For the first 5 years of our marriage we were an idyllic couple, the ones that make you sick with how happy they are. We were always the couple that everyone turned to when they had marital issues and we helped many couples through their trials and tribulations. Around the 5 year mark we decided to try for a baby and shortly thereafter had our little man. Within weeks I knew something was wrong, but I didn't "know" what it was or how to deal with it. Many of our friends and family members noticed that my wife was down, but attributed it to the "baby blues". We pushed through those oh-so-difficult first few months telling ourselves it would get better.

 

Well, it didn't.

 

My wife was emotionally absent from both the baby and myself, very short tempered with the baby and very irritable. Sex became very infrequent ( once every 6 weeks or so, although she was a once a every two girl anyway) , as was any lack of typical physical intimacy (no kissing, hugging, snuggling, hand holding, back rubs, anything ). After a few months of feeling this way, I insisted that she see a counselor. The counselor saw her for one session and insisted that I come and that we do it as a couple. I happily consented to MC as I wanted my wife/life back. Things began to slowly improve over a 2 month period but then slowly started to deteriorate again. When the holidays (Dec 2015) rolled around, my wife refused to decorate the house, my SIL and myself put a tree up and decorated the house so my son could have a family Christmas. The warning signs were all over the place, but I didn't see them or unconsciously averted my eyes from them. Fast forward 2 months (Feb 2016), nothing has changed but we are know going to MC weekly. I also began seeking individual counseling to process all of this myself. Despite the counselor's and my own insistence, my wife declines to participate in individual therapy. Around this same time period, I begin having an affair with a woman that my wife and I have known for years. My AP and I have had an attraction for years that never materialized into anything until know. Her marriage was rocky from the get go and mine was falling into disrepair, a dangerous combination. In the beginning the affair was to be a short term physical thing as an outlet for the emotions and frustrations that were coming from homelife. Two months after the affair starts, my wife is diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and severe anxiety. She begins medication immediately with mixed results. While the medication did in fact help her mental well-being, it did not assist in her emotional well-being. I, now participating in a full blown torrid affair, cannot emotionally support her because I am focusing my needs elsewhere. We continue counseling but it becomes evident to me that we are both paying the counselor lip service and not really trying. We were both faking it. This continues on for months but I am slowly checking out of our marriage. The medication starts to less of an effect, my wife starts gaining weight, disconnects from family and friends, becomes extremely negative and critical of almost everyone, refuses to participate in social events, spends hours by herself in her room, comes home from work only to immediately change into sweatpants and retire to her bed to read. She quit helping with household chores, I did all laundry, meal prep and cleaning of the house. She did continue to assist in taking care of the baby, but that was it.

 

While this is all happening, I am determining that I do not have to live my life this way. Despite my pleas to get her to understand the effect all of this is having on our marriage, she continues to give it little effort. The affair continues.

 

Nothing of significance happens until Dec 2016. During this time we have basically become roommates. Other than the occasional "had to much drink" hookup, we do not kiss or have sex. At one, I slept in the spare bed room for two weeks but it did not have an effect on her. Right around Christmas time she confronts me about my AP. She had no proof, but believes we are in an EA. I confess the EA but not the PA. It is Christmas Eve, she asks me to leave. I ask for a few days to let the holiday pass and she agrees. I tell her we should consider separating as I do not see how things can move forward, I am miserable with her at the house and can tell she isn't happy as well. At this time I declare to her that I feel like she didn't try very hard over the past 18 months to improve our marriage. She agrees, but says the caveat to that is that she hasn't tried because the whole time she thinks that I have been having a PA. While it is true that I have been having a PA, she had no evidence to go on and no reason to believe it whatsoever. She also tells me that she could go the rest of her life without having sex, something that has been a point of contention for us for years. Two weeks into the new year, I move out.

 

Current Day -

 

I intended the separation to be a time period of reflection and attempting to reconcile if I felt the "spark" was still there. I don't feel it. At all. We've had lunches and get togethers and I do not feel anything towards her, not disdain, not hate, not love, just nothing. We've gotten together a few times in counseling and outside counseling where I have tried to explain the damage done to our marriage. She has become serious about getting her PPD treated and has indicated to me that she feels it is the primary reason for her behavior. She began to make good strides with it, but it was too late. The fire in my heart for our marriage was dead. I eventually agree with her the PPD was a major factor, but it doesn't stop/excuse the damage that was done. That, and with my needs being augmented by the AP, led me slowly detach from the marriage and become emotionally stable without my wife. My wife recently pushed the issue that I make a hard decision as to whether or not to work on the marriage or tell her it was over. I told her that I was done. I had nothing left to give or any will to try. She point blank accused me of giving up on "us" and "her". I don't feel this is a fair statement, but for some reason it bothers me incredibly bad. I also feel immense guilt, not sure if it is because I am being selfish seeking my own happiness, guilt over the PA or if it is because I feel awful that I am causing a woman I spent every day with 14 years so much pain. Despite the fact I was unhappy in our marriage, I still feel awful for ending it.

 

Does anyone have insight on this? I feel like even w/o the PA eventually the marriage would've failed because of the PPD and the lack of treatment it was getting. Why did she wait until after I left before she got serious about treatment?

 

You have a lot of self justification built into your post seeking support. Your life was a bed of roses. Your child is 30 months old. Your wife is/was having issues after the birth and you decided to cheat on your wife 18 months later. You continue to lie about the affair. At no time do you express any concern for your child in this divorce.

 

Your wife is correct, you did give up on your family. That is why you feel guilty.

[heartwhole]

PPD is a medical condition that your wife suffers from though no fault of your own. A PA is a choice you made to bring a third party sexually into your marriage without your wife's knowledge or consent. They are not equivalents, nor, as you hope we will agree, is your wife's inability to recognize that there was help for her problem somehow worse than your betrayal.

 

If you, as an outsider not suffering from PPD, are unable to recognize that it's a disease and not a choice or flaw, then it seems pretty unfair to expect the person suffering from it to see it more clearly than you do.

 

I can relate to an extent to your story. Pregnancy caused me to develop or worsen a health condition causing fatigue, difficulty performing everyday tasks, etc. It is this nebulous thing that I see many specialists for -- cardiologist, nephrologist, naturopath, acupuncturist, endocrinologist . . . It wasn't for lack of trying or caring that I remain sick.

 

My husband had an affair too. On DD when I found out, he exploded with this list of all the reasons he was unhappy . . . I didn't walk around town with him any more, I didn't have energy to do family stuff, etc. See, I blamed myself for being sick and not trying hard enough to be well, so he did too.

 

He was basically saying that he wasn't OK with his life changing because of my medical condition, so therefore he was justified in having an affair. But as soon as he made these statements, his confidence in his own righteousness deflated as I pointed out how ridiculous they were. He had woven a tapestry of justifications but tugging on the slightest string made it unravel.

 

The main difference in our stories is that even though my husband was gaga for the OW and sure that I was some dope he was justified in cheating on, he was never willing to get a divorce because it would mean less time with our children. I read the email where he explained this to the OW early on. Likewise, I believe that the parents of young children should try their best to reconcile if a happy and healthy marriage is still possible. Happily for us, it was.

 

No one says you have to stay married if you are unhappy, but since you were happy before your wife came down with depression, it seems a shame you have done so much to damage your chances of a nuclear family unit for your child.

 

Let me save you the trouble of thinking any of your justifications are going to sound convincing to your wife and family and friends once they find out about the physical affair . . . they aren't. Clearly you thought there'd be a chorus of, "Yeah man, YOLO, your wife should have self-diagnosed and gotten treatment sooner, so basically she destroyed the marriage and your affair is neither here nor there," but that's simply not the case. You took something that wasn't her fault and that she needed your support for and turned it into a reason to disrespect, betray, and hurt her.

[BTDT2012]

Your wife should have gotten treatment earlier. You should have told her the truth when she confronted you about your AP. That was the point when it became necessary to tell the truth. All of your justifications don't negate the fact that your wife had a serious illness, and you chose to continue with an affair rather than help her get better, by your own admission.