Trust Issues and Reconciliation

[lunarnaut]

My wife and I have been through a lot the past 8 or 9 months. I discovered she was having an emotional affair with a guy she met through work. She lied a lot about it. She contacted him once after my discovery to explain why she had to end things with him, even after I told her if she ever contacted him again she was out. She finally came clean about that, and she chose me, but kept thinking about him. She begged me not to leave her after she told me she had reached out to him. She said she needed closure, and after a few days I said that it was a really stupid thing to do, you should care more about patching things up with me than some other guy who was willing to send inappropriate pictures and flirt with some guys wife.

 

I was having a difficult time with all of this, and acting pretty crazy. I wanted to know details, I was paranoid she was lying to me about everything. Basically, I told her, if you want to be with that guy, go ahead. If you want to be with me, get over the fantasy of this other guy, and invest yourself in this relationship.

 

We find out that she's pregnant around this time. We are still trying to work through our issues, but she seems completely unconcerned with winning my trust back. She's pretty flippant about the whole thing, and gets pissed every time I try to discuss our relationship. Eventually, things deteriorate to the point where she tells me she no longer is attracted to me, and she still thinks about this other guy.

 

At this point, I tell her to get out of the house, because I want a divorce. We had been trying marriage counseling, but it doesn't work when one partner refuses to admit they have done or are doing anything wrong. She calls her sister, and gathers her things and leaves.

 

Five hours later, I'm out playing golf with some buddies to take my mind off the whole thing, and she calls me begging me to take her back. Saying she'll never find anyone like me, and she can't bear the thought of our children (we already have an awesome little 2 year old) calling someone else mommy. I reassure her that no one will ever take her place, but I want her to know that it's unreasonable to assume I won't enter into another relationship at some point down the line. She keeps pleading for another chance, so I told her lets try a separation for two months and see how the whole thing goes. I tell her I won't do anything with anyone, and I expect the same from her.

 

After about a week or two, my new life was pretty awesome. I have more time for friends and family - I usually would decline most requests to do things because she doesn't have any friends to hang out with so I feel bad going out with the guys without her. I would always invite her, and sometimes she would go, but I did need some time away from her too. Anyways, my social life picked right back up again, I had more time to hit the gym, would visit friends in other cities and hang out. It was pretty great.

 

I started to realize that my life was going to be just fine without her. We were sharing custody of our child, and he's young enough to not know something is terribly wrong with his parents relationship. But he's a little champ, and we both love him more than anything.

 

So, after a few weeks, I start feeling bad for her. She doesn't have any friends, and she's living with her parents who have a terrible marriage and home life. Super toxic ****. They basically hate each other, and stay together out of financial obligation. She does have her sisters though, and they seem to be a good influence on her, so it's not completely terrible for her.

 

But, I guess I realized that I do love and care for her a great deal. I want to give her another chance. So, I invite her back into the house about a month before our scheduled time. Things were going pretty well for the most part. Then one night she went out for a girls night with some people from work. I was kind of excited for her to do something like that, because she really does need some friends. I ask her what time will she be home, she tells me 9:30-10:00. Around 11, she tells me that she lost track of time, and she's leaving right now. Doesn't get home until 1:30. I confront her, ask her what's up? Ask her if there was anything she needed to tell me about where she was for so long? She flips out on me, I flip out on her, she starts punching and kicking me, I start calling her names. We argue a lot. We both say some regrettable things, and she tells me that she doesn't want to do this anymore. She leaves the next morning with her things.

 

At this point, it's pretty much over I guess. State law dictates that we can't get a divorce until the baby is born, but we are not speaking to each other except to talk about our son.

 

I started going out with friends when I didn't have my son, and talking with other women and getting numbers. I guess I was feeling pretty crappy about myself after this whole thing. I've never really had a blow that big to my ego in my whole life. I mean, my wife actively went out of her way while we were married and was throwing herself at some dude. I joined a dating site, and started talking to a few girls there too. I guess I just wanted to know if I still had it. I never crossed the line, even though I could have, but still felt guilty because I was technically married.

 

Around Christmas time, my wife called me to discuss something about our son, and at the end told me that she missed me. I told her that I missed her too, and apologized for the way I had handled myself during the whole ordeal. She said she wanted to give us another try, and I said are you sure? She said yeah, and I told her that there was some things I needed to tell her before that happened.

 

I told her about the dating site, and talking to women, and getting numbers. I told her that I didn't cross the line physically with anyone, and would cut all ties with girls I was still talking to. She was a little upset, but said that was okay. She had a few questions, but I answered truthfully and honestly.

 

I asked her if she had anything to tell me, and she said she didn't talk with anyone. Then I asked her if she had talked with this guy that started all this ****. In my head, I'm thinking she either a. realized that the guy wouldn't ever match up to the fantasy, or b. he rejected her. Somethings to note about this other guy, he's much younger than us, and he's kind of slow. I've read the emails and texts from him, and it's pretty obvious. She even admits it. He does make up for it by never missing a day at the gym though. I should also note that I'm in really good shape too. It's not like I'm a slob or anything.

 

So, we start up again pretty slow - date nights, hanging out after work, taking our son places, etc. - still living separately. But, I still get the feeling she's lying to me. I check her phone records on our shared bill, and boom, she called him three days after we reconciled. I confront her about it, and the truth starts to trickle out over the course of a few days. She was sexting the guy and even asked him out, but he declined.

 

I told her that it bothered me that she was doing that, but it's not a deal breaker because we were separated. I was more upset that she couldn't be honest with me. Trickle truth is a pain the ass. It started the whole wave of negative feelings again, and destroyed what little trust we had rebuilt over the last few months. So at this point I kind of want to know the real extent of everything, but she keeps lying about this stuff over and over.

 

She tells me that she still has feelings for this guy. Is this normal? But, she knows she wants to be with me. Basically telling me that I'm better in every way except he's better looking. That's a gut punch. Not that I don't know there are plenty of better looking guys out there, but come on, don't say that to your husband, right?

 

So, I'm in a confused place right now. Is she with me only because things didn't work out with this other guy? I deserve better than to be someone's plan B. It certainly feels like this is the case. The real problem is her refusal to talk about our relationship and to get pissed when I ask her questions about what really happened with this other guy. She's told me that he's just physically attractive, and there really isn't anything more to it, but come on. There are plenty of really attractive girls out there, and I don't get caught up in some fantasy where I would risk losing my relationship for a roll in the sack.

 

Do I just drop the whole thing and try to go on with our lives? It doesn't seem like she feels much remorse for lying, and seems to get upset by the fact that she'll have to actively work to win my trust back. I mean, she told a lot of lies over the course of the last 8-9 months - swearing on our child's life for most of the especially bad ones too. I just can't fathom how I will be able to trust her, or even if I should?

 

She is making some big sacrifices on her part though. My family and close friends know what she did, and they aren't really too happy with her. So, she's willing to face that and win everyone back. Everyone that told me to ditch her, because I can do better. That takes balls, and I admire that. But, the lying is crazy and has to stop. Letting a fantasy dictate your life and actions has to stop, and I'm not sure it has yet.

 

I guess I'm just kind of lost. This has been running through my head for the past 8-9 months, and I just want to go back to normal.

[mikeylo]

I read the entire thing ! wow !

 

She isnt remorseful. That is one of the main issues. Second is that she wants to keep you ( her long term security ) and the side guy ( ego boost , thrill ).

 

She needs to choose one.

 

You will become miserable because you will never know when is she chatting up the other guy. Since she has crossed the line already, she has to prove her loyalty every single second and she is going to get tired of it. She will just want you to trust her but it doesnt work that way.

 

She needs to kick the other guy out not because you want him out but because she believes that guy is destroying her life long love and security ( you ). If she keeps contacting that guy , for whatever reason, she isnt fully with you and you dont want the dead end of the stick.

 

If he is that physically attractive, she is more than shallow for her age.Most guys spending hours in gym are shallow anyways !

[somanymistakes]

Well, on the 'bright' side it sounds like she has enough sense/morals not to actually sleep with someone else while still fully married, if the sexting/date attempt weren't until you were separated. However, it sounds like she's very driven by her emotions in general, and whatever feels best to her at the time... which means chasing after things that are attractive, and hiding the truth whenever the truth is inconvenient or might cause her discomfort. Sure, she came forward and is suffering the embarrassment of everyone yelling at her now, but only because the alternative was worse, no? Not really of her own accord.

 

I get the idea that deep-down she still doesn't feel like she did anything wrong. And if that's true, it's going to be impossible to move forward, because you know in the future she'll always do what is convenient or appealing at the time.

[lunarnaut]

The only reason it stopped the first time (while we were married, and not separated) was because I figured it out and told her to choose him or me. She didn't want to stop, and even asked if she could still be friends with the guy afterwards. I told her that was ridiculous.

[Marc878]

Sounds like you are the only one in R. It takes two.you can make excuses for her but it is what it is. You'll probably go through this again.

 

No remourse = false R

 

She's just back out of lifestyle convenience.

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

So basically she wants to be with you for family and still wants to hang on to this "hunK' shes obsessed with. If I read it correctly, a few days after she moves back in with you she is after him again. ???? And you are confused???

 

Proceed at your own risk. How many times do you fall for this?? She's not remorseful, refuses to really acknowledge shes done anything wrong, and how on earth are you going to feel safe that it won't happen tomorrow??? Got any ideas???

 

You follow the course you are on and you better hope he keeps shooting her down or she's gonna bang him. She hasn't told you the truth about anything you did not discover.

 

The forum will be here when you catch her again. Good luck

[lunarnaut]

I know it's crazy to give her another chance. My friends, family, and therapist (same therapist that was providing marriage counseling to us) are all in agreement that it's probably going to end with more heartache because she's naive and emotionally immature.

 

Part of me wants to leave and never look back. Part of me still loves her and doesn't want her to ruin her life.

 

People make mistakes. I've made mistakes in my life. We have twelve years together and two children. I know for a fact that I've changed and haven't continued to make mistakes that I made in the past. She has forgiven me and given me chances before. I feel like I owe it to her.

[harrybrown]

She has no remorse. She is still choosing the OM.

 

File for D. If she will write her timeline of her A and go NC, then you could reconsider.

 

But she has not stopped contact and she is an addict and he is her drug.

 

 

Sorry for you and your son. Have the baby get a DNA test.

 

I do not think that she is letting you know how many OM's she has and get your son tested also. Let her know you are testing them, because she will not tell you the truth and is lying to you and keeping secrets.

[lunarnaut]

OP,

 

So basically she wants to be with you for family and still wants to hang on to this "hunK' shes obsessed with. If I read it correctly, a few days after she moves back in with you she is after him again. ???? And you are confused???

 

 

Yeah, this bothered me. We had a pretty big argument about it. She pleaded with me to give her another chance, and that it was a stupid mistake. She's just... kind of dumb I guess. I pity her. I don't even understand the person that she's become. I'm holding on to the hope that she'll wake up and get back to being herself. Time will tell. We have 3 more months to wait before we can divorce anyways.

[lunarnaut]

She has no remorse. She is still choosing the OM.

 

File for D. If she will write her timeline of her A and go NC, then you could reconsider.

 

But she has not stopped contact and she is an addict and he is her drug.

 

 

Sorry for you and your son. Have the baby get a DNA test.

 

I do not think that she is letting you know how many OM's she has and get your son tested also. Let her know you are testing them, because she will not tell you the truth and is lying to you and keeping secrets.

 

She gave me her timeline. She has been NC (as far as I know) since mid January when we were beginning to reconcile.

 

Definitely getting a DNA test.

 

More OM are a definite possibility given all these events, but I have no evidence or suspicion.

 

I met with an attorney back in November and started the divorce process. All it really takes now is a phone call and a down payment. We have already split our finances, and there isn't much else except the home, cars, and miscellaneous stuff that is all worked out in the divorce papers. Joint custody, no child support, no alimony, just walking away with my things and my son. Selling all the joint property and splitting the profit/debt.

[Bryanp]

It sure sounds to me that you are plan B.

Are you absolutely sure that she has not slept with him?

The reason I ask is because you say it generally started when she

became pregnant. You better DNA the child just to make sure the child

is indeed yours.

 

I agree that it sounds like she has very little remorse and that currently

you are the best option given the circumstances. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. It appears you refuse to see what is right in front of you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[lunarnaut]

It sure sounds to me that you are plan B.

Are you absolutely sure that she has not slept with him?

The reason I ask is because you say it generally started when she

became pregnant. You better DNA the child just to make sure the child

is indeed yours.

 

I agree that it sounds like she has very little remorse and that currently

you are the best option given the circumstances. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. It appears you refuse to see what is right in front of you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I agree there is evidence that I'm plan B. Apparently she tried to meet up with him by asking him to dinner. He declined. Then drunk dialed her at a later date basically asking for a booty call. She rejected. I think this opened her eyes a little bit to the truth of what this guy was really after with her.

 

I'm pretty sure she hasn't slept with him. After more lies surfaced when we began to reconcile, I did something a little unusual. I didn't want to go through the trickle truth forever, so after about day 4 of that, I asked her was she willing to do anything to get me back. She said yes. I said,"okay, well I scheduled a polygraph test in 30 minutes, let's go." She agreed.

 

The whole thing is weird. Had she slept with the guy during our separation, it wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me, but if she slept with him or anyone else at any other point in our marriage it would have been. I mean, at this point, I was so sure she had slept with him prior to me ever finding anything out, I just kind of thought that would be the end of it. The last little piece of the puzzle that made it really easy for me to let go of her and the marriage. The test showed that she never has had any kind of intimate physical contact with anyone but me (I was her first and still only), and she's never met up with the guy.

 

Action wise, she's been more open the past month in a half. She's let me check her phone, hardly left the house, and doesn't do anything weird to warrant that much suspicion. So, in that sense she's doing the right things. She just doesn't want to talk about our relationship that much. I think she just wants it to happen naturally, but I want to make sure I'm not wasting my time with someone who doesn't want to be with me in the first place.

Edited March 7, 2017 by lunarnaut

[GoldenR]

So you actually had her take a polygraph test? Or to just threatened to see her reaction?

[lunarnaut]

Thanks for the responses and feedback from everyone, by the way.

 

I guess another question I have for the forum here...

 

How delusional do I seem?

 

I usually am a pretty logical person. I don't make too many decisions based on emotion, but I feel like I'm really out of my element here. I feel very out of my comfort zone.

 

If I had heard any of my best friends tell me this story, I'd tell them to get the hell out and divorce. I'm having trouble pulling the trigger now for some reason. It was so easy back in November when we broke up and met with the attorney. My life was just fine without her. Better even.

 

Now, I just want her to wake up and realize what she's doing to our lives.

[lunarnaut]

So you actually had her take a polygraph test? Or to just threatened to see her reaction?

 

She took it. I got to watch the whole thing on video camera. The guy said it was one of the cleanest polygraphs he'd ever seen.

[deadsoul]

Thanks for the responses and feedback from everyone, by the way.

 

I guess another question I have for the forum here...

 

How delusional do I seem?

 

I usually am a pretty logical person. I don't make too many decisions based on emotion, but I feel like I'm really out of my element here. I feel very out of my comfort zone.

 

If I had heard any of my best friends tell me this story, I'd tell them to get the hell out and divorce. I'm having trouble pulling the trigger now for some reason. It was so easy back in November when we broke up and met with the attorney. My life was just fine without her. Better even.

 

Now, I just want her to wake up and realize what she's doing to our lives.

 

Not delusional. Just emotionally invested, where if someone was telling you this story you wouldn't be. I also hope she wakes up. She's way into "limerence" it sounds like and it's a pretty empty place once you wake up and realized you have blown up your whole life for a fantasy.

 

I don't really have any advice except take your time. If you need to be separated for awhile, do it, but do continue the counseling for yourself and hopefully she will become involved as well. But it takes two to put it back together and from the sounds of it, she's not all in at this point.

[Ronni_W]

lunarnaut,

 

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this; it sucks and is extremely difficult.

How delusional do I seem? <snip> I just want her to wake up and realize what she's doing to our lives.

Extremely delusional if you think this is going to happen -- you cannot save her from herself (even if there is an 'inner knight-on-white-horse' telling you that you can); and, you can't 'make her' or even help her see what she is not willing or ready to see. There is a difference between her knowing what she's doing to you, your family and the marriage - and her caring about it.

 

Sending hugs, strength, courage and comfort.

[Cephalopod]

Yeah, this bothered me. We had a pretty big argument about it. She pleaded with me to give her another chance, and that it was a stupid mistake. She's just... kind of dumb I guess. I pity her. I don't even understand the person that she's become. I'm holding on to the hope that she'll wake up and get back to being herself. Time will tell. We have 3 more months to wait before we can divorce anyways.

 

She is doing what they call "cake eating". She desperately wants the stability of being married to you while having the luxury of cheating with him.

 

Understand it is not YOU that she is afraid of losing, but the lifestyle she has with you. It is the pragmatic side of things that she is worried about. This has nothing to do with love.

[Darren Steez]

She's basically admitted you're a provider, that she'll never find another provider like you, plus she will be a mom with two babies not too many guys are going to take that on at first.

 

Thing is if this dude jumped her, she would have been humping his brains out, no question. She's even told you in terms of love interest, hes better than you..and you swallowed that d*ck punch. Not to mention she goes out and likely either sleeps with someone or definitely had a dude on her that kept her out all night.

 

Seems to me you keep munching on those sh*t sandwiches and she keeps dishing them out.

 

You're in trouble son, should have given her the hook when you had the chance, but you sow what you reap..or in this case what you're dished up.

[drifter777]

Delusional might be a bit strong, but you do seem dazed & confused. You want some kind of miracle to occur whereby all of this drama ends and you guys can just move on with your life. Then you try to reconcile but another bombshell goes off and you realize that hoping for a miracle is no way to live and you separate. But, little by little, you are able to gradually convince yourself that "this time will be different" and you get back on the merry-go-round.

 

You are just fooling yourself about your wife. She is willing to toss your marriage away just for a chance to be desired by some other guy. It's a sick need for her and she's not going to change. And as long as you stay with her your marriage and your heart will be collateral damage to her need for the attention by men.

 

Most of the men posting here don't believe for one second that your wife is NOT having sex with at least one other man. We all pretty much agree that if your wife admits to an EA and the guy is local....they are having sex. If I were you I'd just get the divorce and move on without digging any deeper. You know she's not the woman for you and you will be much happier starting your life over. It's really better for both of you.

[lunarnaut]

She's basically admitted you're a provider, that she'll never find another provider like you, plus she will be a mom with two babies not too many guys are going to take that on at first.

 

Thing is if this dude jumped her, she would have been humping his brains out, no question. She's even told you in terms of love interest, hes better than you..and you swallowed that d*ck punch. Not to mention she goes out and likely either sleeps with someone or definitely had a dude on her that kept her out all night.

 

Seems to me you keep munching on those sh*t sandwiches and she keeps dishing them out.

 

You're in trouble son, should have given her the hook when you had the chance, but you sow what you reap..or in this case what you're dished up.

 

This is what my friends are telling me. All this guy had to do was agree to dinner and she would have been banging him. It's ****ing true. It sucks. I doubt she'd be trying to reconcile now.

 

But why did she turn him down for the late night call?

 

I just wish I could believe her regarding the story. I want to make a decision based on all the facts. If she's withholding **** it isn't good. Which she probably is. So, it's probably worse than I think. It's already damn near impossible to swallow. I know I should just end it.

[BluesPower]

What makes you think the child is yours?

 

Do you really believe she has not slept with the guy? Was this one of the questions on the polygraph?

 

What am I missing?

[lunarnaut]

What makes you think the child is yours?

 

Do you really believe she has not slept with the guy? Was this one of the questions on the polygraph?

 

What am I missing?

 

It was one of the questions. She did pass.

[lunarnaut]

Delusional might be a bit strong, but you do seem dazed & confused. You want some kind of miracle to occur whereby all of this drama ends and you guys can just move on with your life. Then you try to reconcile but another bombshell goes off and you realize that hoping for a miracle is no way to live and you separate. But, little by little, you are able to gradually convince yourself that "this time will be different" and you get back on the merry-go-round.

 

You are just fooling yourself about your wife. She is willing to toss your marriage away just for a chance to be desired by some other guy. It's a sick need for her and she's not going to change. And as long as you stay with her your marriage and your heart will be collateral damage to her need for the attention by men.

 

Most of the men posting here don't believe for one second that your wife is NOT having sex with at least one other man. We all pretty much agree that if your wife admits to an EA and the guy is local....they are having sex. If I were you I'd just get the divorce and move on without digging any deeper. You know she's not the woman for you and you will be much happier starting your life over. It's really better for both of you.

 

My wife is a big flirt and loves attention from other men. I never thought she could do something like this though. I thought she was an honest person. Makes me question past **** too. But again, the polygraph. How accurate are these things really?

 

For the most part, we've always been close and good with each other.

[Bryanp]

This is what you wrote: "My wife is a big flirt and loves attention from other men". Why in the world would you wish to have a spouse who does this?

 

Do you think your wife would accept a husband who is a big flirt and loves attention from women? She is totally disrespecting you as a man and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?