I can't get it out of my mind. I still think about her actions

[Smoji]

OK, here's the story. My wife and I have been married 29 years. About a year and a half ago I found out she had been texting with a male co-worker, a much younger co-worker. I knew of him because she had said he and two of his co-workers were having problems with their manager. She's in the same division but not the same department as them. With her being a manager and peer of their boss they asked her for advice. She helped the three of them out. After that her texting friend told her he wanted to divorce his wife and wanted to talk to her about it. No, she's not a marriage counselor. Anyway, that's how it started.

 

I discovered that she was discussing events both past and present about our marriage. I will say, that NONE of the text were SEXUAL. But there were a couple that I felt to be a little flirtatious. Nor, were they texting daily. It was a couple texts here and there. But, what was doing was obviously secret and personal. All the texts in my opinion were wrong but I think what stabbed me in the heart the most was this: over the years she and I would joke around and say, you must have a date today or which girlfriend/boyfriend you going out with, if one of us dressed up more than usual for work. We both joked about it. One day I had washed/waxed her SUV . The next day she came home from work and one side was pretty dirty like she went through a mud filled pothole. I put my hands around her waist and said she could have waited a few days before she took the boyfriend off roading. I was smiling when I said it and gave her a kiss. I didn't think anything of it. Turns out that later that night she fired of a text to him and told him what I had said and what his thoughts were!!! To his credit, he didn't think much of it because as she told him I had just cleaned her car. He just said it was a , "oh come on" type of thing.

 

It's one of those things, I can't joke around with her without her running to another man to tell what I said! The same kind of things she would say to me!

 

After I read the texts b/w the two I confronted her. Of course her first reaction was to be upset that I read her phone. Then she said, wait for it, "I'm not doing anything wrong, we're just friends". Ha!! Haven't we all heard that!

 

We discussed things and she explained why they were communicating and that this guy doesn't have contact with his dad, his mom is dead and no siblings, so he didn't have anyone to talk to about wanting to divorce his wife. There wasn't anything physical, etc, etc. Of course I told her it seemed like at the very least an emotional affair. She said she would not contact him again except for what needs to be done for work and all I have to do is ask to see her phone. By the way she no longer works for that company. Since then I haven't checked her phone, haven't asked to see her phone but I did ask if she has any contact and she said no. I do believe her.

 

When all this happened I pretty much had an emotional break down. I did go to a therapist. So, now it's been a year and a half and I will say that we have never been more affectionate, intimate, or communicative than we are now. So what's the problem?? I can't get it out of my mind. I still think about her actions. I don't know if it would have been better to just have blown up at her, get angry but I never did. I don't know if I should go back to the therapist and bring her along and just get everything out of my system with the therapist being the mediator. I don't know what to do, if anything since our relationship is so strong now. I'm sure you're thinking how can it be strong if you still think about her past actions. I don't know.

 

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Thanks for your time.

[Marc878]

OK, here's the story. My wife and I have been married 29 years. About a year and a half ago I found out she had been texting with a male co-worker, a much younger co-worker. I knew of him because she had said he and two of his co-workers were having problems with their manager. She's in the same division but not the same department as them. With her being a manager and peer of their boss they asked her for advice. She helped the three of them out. After that her texting friend told her he wanted to divorce his wife and wanted to talk to her about it. No, she's not a marriage counselor. Anyway, that's how it started.

 

I discovered that she was discussing events both past and present about our marriage. I will say, that NONE of the text were SEXUAL. But there were a couple that I felt to be a little flirtatious. Nor, were they texting daily. It was a couple texts here and there. But, what was doing was obviously secret and personal. All the texts in my opinion were wrong but I think what stabbed me in the heart the most was this: over the years she and I would joke around and say, you must have a date today or which girlfriend/boyfriend you going out with, if one of us dressed up more than usual for work. We both joked about it. One day I had washed/waxed her SUV . The next day she came home from work and one side was pretty dirty like she went through a mud filled pothole. I put my hands around her waist and said she could have waited a few days before she took the boyfriend off roading. I was smiling when I said it and gave her a kiss. I didn't think anything of it. Turns out that later that night she fired of a text to him and told him what I had said and what his thoughts were!!! To his credit, he didn't think much of it because as she told him I had just cleaned her car. He just said it was a , "oh come on" type of thing.

 

It's one of those things, I can't joke around with her without her running to another man to tell what I said! The same kind of things she would say to me!

 

Emotional Affair - secretive, discussing personal or marital issues, etc at least in the beginning and they develope from there.

After I read the texts b/w the two I confronted her. Of course her first reaction was to be upset that I read her phone. Then she said, wait for it, "I'm not doing anything wrong, we're just friends". Ha!! Haven't we all heard that!

 

Biggest lie told

 

We discussed things and she explained why they were communicating and that this guy doesn't have contact with his dad, his mom is dead and no siblings, so he didn't have anyone to talk to about wanting to divorce his wife. There wasn't anything physical, etc, etc. Of course I told her it seemed like at the very least an emotional affair. She said she would not contact him again except for what needs to be done for work and all I have to do is ask to see her phone. By the way she no longer works for that company. Since then I haven't checked her phone, haven't asked to see her phone but I did ask if she has any contact and she said no. I do believe her.

 

Why is he her problem? She knew what she was doing and it was wrong. You never though this would ever happen so why do you believe her now? The truth is you want to believe but you don't know and just because you found out doesn't mean it stopped.

 

When all this happened I pretty much had an emotional break down. I did go to a therapist. So, now it's been a year and a half and I will say that we have never been more affectionate, intimate, or communicative than we are now. So what's the problem?? I can't get it out of my mind. I still think about her actions. I don't know if it would have been better to just have blown up at her, get angry but I never did. I don't know if I should go back to the therapist and bring her along and just get everything out of my system with the therapist being the mediator. I don't know what to do, if anything since our relationship is so strong now. I'm sure you're thinking how can it be strong if you still think about her past actions. I don't know.

 

Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Thanks for your time.

 

What you did was rugsweep this and hoped it went away but now you have buyers remorse.

 

Communivpcation is the key. It sounds like you are affraid to face or talk to her about this. Why?

 

Don't expect her to read your mind and understand your end. She wasn't on the receiving end of this and can't comprehend what you are feeling.

 

You'd be wise to set her down and get to the bottom of this. People in these situations will lie, hide and deny.

[Marc878]

Go back and pull your phone records if you want to make sure.

[Poutrew]

If she has no conception of the wrong she has done you, why don't you have her read this thread and post a question on it concerning what possible harm a little behind the scenes chit chat could do to her husband - especially since it wasn't sexual... I am thoroughly sure there are at least a dozen or so members of this board that will have no problem telling her the kind of severe emotional damage she has the potential to cause by her actions...

[Overtaxed]

IMHO, you don't TXT members of the opposite sex who aren't family, friends of the marriage, or required for work. That's the end of the list. No TXTing the cute secretary (for me) to see "how she's doing". Nope, while that TXT is innocent, the ones that follow it won't be. No sharing "I had a great workout today" with a coworker of the opposite sex. Nope, that's just leading him/her to view you in a sexual way.

 

I know I'm hard line on this. I've seen too many men start A's this way, and I've had too many women cross the line with me at work. I know this is how they start. And I know that it's in no way helping my marriage or career to respond to these kind of TXTs. Just stop it; don't respond and delete the TXTs as they come in. The other person will move on to an easier target. Because, in many cases, that's what you are; the target or the mark. And it's real easy to send a lot of TXT's and wait to see who responds. By feeding into this, you're just showing the potential AP "I'm game". And no, you're NOT a strong person for keeping this relationship going and NOT having an EA/PA. You're a strong person if you shut it down HARD, right now, and never look back. A lot of people think playing with fire and living through it makes them somehow above others. No; it doesn't, it make them future visitors to the burn clinic and idiots for playing with fire, not wise individuals who know fire burns but can "navigate" the waters appropriately.

[harrybrown]

you will not be able to bury this by rug sweeping.

 

Have you had her read "not just friends"?

 

Do take her with you to therapy. Tell her how this is bothering you, the secrets and the way she hid this.

 

Have her read some articles on affair-recovery .com.

 

But find a way to tell her how you feel. if you think you will blow up, have her write the timeline of her EA for you. And maybe you need to blow up that anger. Exercise helps me. My friend goes to the gun range.

 

This will keep bothering you. do not keep it inside. find a safe outlet for your anger.

[Smoji]

Thanks. I know I will have to get this off my chest one way or another. I'm thinking the best way is to take her to the therapist with me and get it out. I've thought about having her read through the website, Marriage Builders. And I've pulled articles on EA that I may have her look at.

 

When we had our discussion I did tell her that this was a betrayal to me and our marriage and that you don't "communicate" like that with a member of the opposite sex. So, I don't think I totally swept it under the rug.

[Whoknew30]

I really don't think it's a big deal...she got sucked in with him as a friend emotionally (no different than women do with each other) you tell her to stop & move on.

 

Everything now a days is considered cheating & I personally don't think it is. My H & I had A but we also have friends that are the opposite sex, the reason we had A were bc our marriage was horrible but I'm sorry but I don't understand the "fo can't get this out of my head" had she repeated this conversation to a woman would you have gone to therapy & not been able to forgive her. I think you're being a bit dramatic.

 

I personally think many people are extremely insecure & when insecure, everything is cheating. You said their conversations weren't sexual, they became friends & that drive you to this point? I believe you have more going with in you then this being her fault. Hope you figure it out...good luck

[Marc878]

Thanks. I know I will have to get this off my chest one way or another. I'm thinking the best way is to take her to the therapist with me and get it out. I've thought about having her read through the website, Marriage Builders. And I've pulled articles on EA that I may have her look at.

 

When we had our discussion I did tell her that this was a betrayal to me and our marriage and that you don't "communicate" like that with a member of the opposite sex. So, I don't think I totally swept it under the rug.

 

Why not come straight out with it and tell her? What are you afraid of?

[Just a Guy]

Hi smoji, sorry to see you here and hurting. I guess as others have said, you did not adequately address your issue with your wife when she was texting this guy. You seem to have had access to her texts so I wonder why you suddenly stopped checking up on her when you had the opportunity. I'm sorry but I don't agree with Who knew. I think she is being a little insensitive to your feelings which, to my mind are perfectly justified.

 

The day you noticed her SUV coveted in mud after you had cleaned and waxed it in the morning and you playfully told her she shouldn't have taken her boyfriend out on a ride and this was just characteristic banter between the two of you, she then immediately texted this guy remarking about what you said. That one text to a guy who is just a work colleague was a huge red flag to my mind. Why would a spouse text somebody else about a matter which was a private joke between the two spouses? It appears there was an element of panic that prompted your wife to text this guy and his response to her was to calm her fears.

 

This leads me to believe that whatever was the reason for her car to get dirty it was something that they should not have been doing which caused guilt feelings in your wife when you joked with her and caused her to press the panic button.

 

My point here is that the subconscious mind takes note of the smallest details which are out of place and until it gets a satisfactory answer to the puzzle, it keeps prompting you to find the pieces of the puzzle and fit them together to make a clear picture of what had happened. You do not have the pieces of the puzzle and so your subconscious mind is not letting you rest. You know what you have to do. Even now you do not know whether your wife is still in contact with this guy or not.

 

Your relationship being on a high could be because her affair is still in progress. This forum is replete with examples of both kinds, one where a certain coldness creeps into the relationship between the spouses and another, where the exact opposite happens and the relationship becomes much closer. You have to go into detective mode and find out what is going on. Folks on here usually recommend getting a VAR and placing it under the seat of your spouses car so that you can record any conversations going on with the OM/OW. You should also try and recover deleted text messages from your wife's phone.

 

Also check any other social media platforms she may be using. Unless you do some digging you WL not have peace of mind. Taking your wife to a counsellor will only warn her off and she will take any affair she is having underground. Better to be safe than sorry. Warm wishes.

Edited March 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Smoji]

I don't think I was clear originally. The texting began somewhere around May of 2015. I discovered August of 2015. I confronted her about a week after finding the texts.

 

Listen, I was very clear about the underhandedness of this and betrayal. That you don't have any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex. And how the hell do you think it's acceptable to do this.

One of my problems is I didn't yell, scream, curse, etc. I can be quick with the temper but with this I was pretty calm. And she reacts better to calm, discussions. Now I wish I had blown up and really let her have it. I probably would feel better now, a year and a half later, but blowing up at her probably would have caused her to tone me out

 

In that year and a half do I think she has contacted him...No I don't. Am I niave, sure I could be. I could ask to see her phone whenever I want. Of course she could delete things. She knows full well what my feelings are on this, that's why I believe her when she says there hasn't been any contact.

 

She's one of these people always trying to help other people any way she can. And with this she went too far. Not saying I'm forgetting what she did, cause obviously I haven't.

 

Trying to figure out if I just show her the EA articles I have or have her come to a therapy session with me.

[Marc878]

I don't think I was clear originally. The texting began somewhere around May of 2015. I discovered August of 2015. I confronted her about a week after finding the texts.

 

Listen, I was very clear about the underhandedness of this and betrayal. That you don't have any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex. And how the hell do you think it's acceptable to do this.

One of my problems is I didn't yell, scream, curse, etc. I can be quick with the temper but with this I was pretty calm. And she reacts better to calm, discussions. Now I wish I had blown up and really let her have it. I probably would feel better now, a year and a half later, but blowing up at her probably would have caused her to tone me out

 

In that year and a half do I think she has contacted him...No I don't. Am I niave, sure I could be. I could ask to see her phone whenever I want. Of course she could delete things. She knows full well what my feelings are on this, that's why I believe her when she says there hasn't been any contact.

 

She's one of these people always trying to help other people any way she can. And with this she went too far. Not saying I'm forgetting what she did, cause obviously I haven't.

 

Trying to figure out if I just show her the EA articles I have or have her come to a therapy session with me.

 

All you have to do is look at your phone bill. You don't have to use her phone.

 

Again, why not come straight out with it? Talk with her yourself? You need someone else to tell her? Why?

 

Her reaction according to your post was "she knew this was wrong".

[Mrs. John Adams]

If you have communicated to your wife how this has made you feel....and her response has not been sympathetic toward you...then there is a problem.

 

It isn't the end of the world....I don't think your marriage is over or your wife had an affair.

 

But I do think you need to express to her how this made you feel...and she needs to help you deal with it.

 

We all want to feel safe in our marriage. That's why we get married in the first place. We choose a spouse that we feel comfortable with....and we should as the years go by...grow even more comfortable and safe.

 

Many things can take away that comfort. Miscommunication, lack of communication, lack of affection....the list is huge.

 

So when these things occur...we need to address them and make sure they don't grow to become larger issues.

 

The two of you might benefit from a Marriage counselor....just to help get the communication rolling. But the bottom line is....she cannot fix what she does not know is broken.....and you cannot be comfortable in your relationship if this is between you.

 

So address it. Talk about it. Read the books suggested....go to therapy. Do not be accusatory....give her the benefit of the doubt. Tell her how much you love her and how this is making you feel.

 

Don't jump to conclusions and make this worse than it is. I don't think your wife cheated. She did not hide this relationship from you. But I do think that the two of you need to be completely transparent to each other....all passwords shared....access to all accounts shared....itineraries...shared. Even if you never check up on her...if she shares with you it helps you to feel safe....and right now...that's the bottom line.

[drifter777]

With all of the evidence you have posted - especially the feeling that drove you here - the chances are very high that your wife had sex with this guy. I say this because of the dozens of times a man has posted a story like yours and ultimately discovered she was physical with OM. If they are in physical proximity of each other, they are having sex. I don't remember a single case that didn't end this way. I'm sure it happens....but I've never seen it.

[bigman1]

I do not see any evidence of an affair. You indicated that you had an "emotional breakdown", but that is really vague. Were you diagnosed with a mental health condition? There is much to be said for that.

 

My point is that your wife has exhibited boundaries. She kept you abreast of the interaction and did not do any clandestine stuff. Sure, it is possible to be super secret, but she seems to be pretty open about stuff.

[drifter777]

I do not see any evidence of an affair. You indicated that you had an "emotional breakdown", but that is really vague. Were you diagnosed with a mental health condition? There is much to be said for that.

 

My point is that your wife has exhibited boundaries. She kept you abreast of the interaction and did not do any clandestine stuff. Sure, it is possible to be super secret, but she seems to be pretty open about stuff.

 

Can you point to a single case like this - when both WW & OM lived anywhere close to each other and they didn't have sex?

[somanymistakes]

Can you point to a single case like this - when both WW & OM lived anywhere close to each other and they didn't have sex?

 

If you want 'cases' from a forum like this you're intentionally vastly skewing the data. The people who keep coming back to post about their problems are the ones with the most complex situations and unfolding drama. Someone who posts once about a suspicion and never posts again because it turned out to be nothing isn't going to have a "case" to display because we would never know what became of it.

 

Even then, if you poke around long enough you'll find cases of people flirting - outright flirting, which this case doesn't even seem to have gotten to - who then realised what they were doing was wrong and decided to break it off. Of course it happens!

 

Personally I find it a little sad when the forum tells people they should never, ever speak to a member of the opposite sex (what are bisexuals supposed to do, never talk to anyone?), especially about anything personal, while at the same time encouraging them to dump their personal issues here for the entire internet to see, and then flagrantly encouraging them to be as paranoid and controlling as possible. That's not being a friend of marriage either, IMO.

 

 

From the OP's information:

 

I will say, that NONE of the text were SEXUAL. But there were a couple that I felt to be a little flirtatious. Nor, were they texting daily. It was a couple texts here and there.

 

Infrequent texts, which once in a while may have been very slightly flirtatious, doesn't sound like the deluge usually uncovered when it's gotten into full-blown affair.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, my only concern here would be the SUV incident in which Smoji's wife texted the other guy about the private joke that Smoji thought he was sharing with her alone. Why would she text the other guy unless they had been on a trip together somewhere which could possibly have entailed sex. Not saying that that actually happened but the possibility is there. The other point that sticks out is that if the OP feels it was all innocent then why does he have niggling feelings of discomfort about what happened a year and a half ago and should have become a distant memory by now. If he is so confident about his wife then there was no reason for him to come to this forum so late in the day. His thread title says it all. Just some thoughts.

[Overtaxed]

Personally I find it a little sad when the forum tells people they should never, ever speak to a member of the opposite sex (what are bisexuals supposed to do, never talk to anyone?), especially about anything personal, while at the same time encouraging them to dump their personal issues here for the entire internet to see, and then flagrantly encouraging them to be as paranoid and controlling as possible. That's not being a friend of marriage either, IMO.

 

If you're referring to me (and this is the advice, summed up, that I passed along), I'd like to clarify.

 

IMHO, being friends INDIVIDUALLY (not with your partner; IE, a person your partner does not know or interact with at the same level) with a member of the opposite sex who's a reasonable sexual match (looks, age, etc) is a horrible idea. It doesn't mean you can't talk to them, but it does mean you can't share stories with them like you do your guy friends (for me) or girl friends (for my wife). Keep it professional, just like you would a client, someone you hire to work on your house, or anyone else. Delving into friendship is a very dangerous slope; I've read dozens of stories on here how those friendships turned into full blown A's; and, in my case, saw it happen right in front of me with my W.

 

I will say, I have no, as in ZERO, female friends who would meet that criteria above (basically, an appropriate match). And I'm just fine with that; there are plenty of men who I can be friendly with that won't potentially turn into the worst mistake of my life (although, to be fair, I have my issues with male friends as well because, in many cases, they encourage bad behavior). It's hard enough to make a true friend as is, why complicate it with potential sexual undertones? Of the 100's of people you meet in a day, the VAST majority of them won't be an appropriate match for you anyway, if you want to be friends, be friends with them. But picking someone to be friends with who would also "look good on your arm", AND who doesn't have as strong a friendship with your husband/wife? That's asking for trouble, it really is.

[usa1ah]

First off. This was a PA, I have no doubt about that. When you joking asked if she had been off road with her BF, she was......

 

That is the reason she texted the OM like she did. How you missed this is understandable, you were not looking for it.

 

I have no doubt your wife had sex with the coworker.

[Try]

A big crossing of the line was that the other man's reason for getting personal with the wife was so that he could have someone to talk to about his poor marriage and divorce. Intentionally or unintentionally conversations such as this are him telling her that he is not attached and available, and allow him to discuss what he is looking for in a mate; by its very nature these conversations allow the other man (OM) to gain insight into the OP's wife's marriage as she inappropriately shares the status of her own marriage with the OM. Image where this could have gone if the OP's marriage was having a rough patch at the time.

[niji]

And no, you're NOT a strong person for keeping this relationship going and NOT having an EA/PA. You're a strong person if you shut it down HARD, right now, and never look back. A lot of people think playing with fire and living through it makes them somehow above others. No; it doesn't, it make them future visitors to the burn clinic and idiots for playing with fire, not wise individuals who know fire burns but can "navigate" the waters appropriately.

 

Wow, thank you for your wise words (and the much appreciated humor ). Sometimes I'm tempted to text some male coworkers at work just to vent about work-related things, but then think to myself, what if at some point it derails into non work-related? And so I just stopped there. I can vent when I see them in person; it's not worth the risk.

 

As far as talking to people at work, if you happen to find someone who shares the same interests as you and you get along well personality wise, it's ok to talk to them about such matter AT WORK. Demanding that you don't talk to coworkers of the opposite sex is beyond unreasonable. But when you take it OUT of work, that's when the danger happens. When you've removed them from the "work" zone into the "personal life" zone, texting throughout the day etc, you're just setting things up to happen.

[Overtaxed]

Wow, thank you for your wise words (and the much appreciated humor ). Sometimes I'm tempted to text some male coworkers at work just to vent about work-related things, but then think to myself, what if at some point it derails into non work-related? And so I just stopped there. I can vent when I see them in person; it's not worth the risk.

 

As far as talking to people at work, if you happen to find someone who shares the same interests as you and you get along well personality wise, it's ok to talk to them about such matter AT WORK. Demanding that you don't talk to coworkers of the opposite sex is beyond unreasonable. But when you take it OUT of work, that's when the danger happens. When you've removed them from the "work" zone into the "personal life" zone, texting throughout the day etc, you're just setting things up to happen.

 

Glad my humor could help, it's one thing that helps me get through this personally, if you can't laugh about how ridiculous your situation is, at least at times, you're taking yourself far too seriously. In the end, we're all dead. No matter what happens, you and I will get through it. So, I do my best to not be all doom and gloom. Sure, it comes at times, but I try not to live in it.

 

I don't "demand" anything, of you or my WW. However, "talking to" as in "personal discussion" with coworkers of the opposite sex is, IMHO, playing with fire. Frankly, I don't talk to same sex co-workers about my personal life AT ALL unless it's absolutely necessary to facilitate something or I know we have overlapping interests. It's WORK, it's not supposed to be a place to find friends, and certainly NOT supposed to be a place to find friends of the opposite sex. Keep it professional at ALL times and, IMHO, you'll find yourself in a better place professionally and personally. I don't discuss my hobbies, my interests, my wife, my sex life, my friends.. None of it at work. Occasionally travel will come up, and I'll talk about someplace I've been with my wife, but, by and large, I avoid personal conversation at work with men, and would jump out a 5th story office window to avoid it with a woman that I even find marginally attractive. I know where it leads. It's not worth it, I can find plenty of friends other places (and have often struck up friendships with men after we no longer work together) who are friends of my marriage, not just my friends.

 

Most guys, when they are together as friends, make piss poor decisions and "egg each other on" in very dangerous and self-destructive ways (including encouraging and helping cover up one night stands). I suspect that women, when they are with workplace colleagues, do similar things. And falling into it is a "loss of power", if your buddy at the office knows you took someone home from the bar a few months ago and that you're married, he has incredible power/leverage over you. Don't give it to them. Trust me, far more bad comes from it than potential good. I NEVER go out drinking with my co-workers, and, frankly, I try to avoid lunches/dinners with them when I can, not because I dislike them, but because I know it's going to move beyond professional and start to get into the "danger zone". And with a woman? I'd quit my job before I'd have a 1-1 dinner with an attractive woman from work. Literally, would quit. Of course, I'd try everything else first (including calling out sick/feigning forgetting the meeting/etc), but, if somehow I was absolutely required to have a 1-1 with a woman who was attractive over dinner, I would quit. That's how strongly I feel about it, I KNOW where that's going to lead, and then my W is going to be here talking about her WS and I'm going to be "that guy" who slept with the "girl from work". Nope, not gonna happen, because I won't let the situation arise where it could possibly happen.

 

Not putting yourself into situation to cheat is, IMHO, far more important that your resolve not to cheat. If you keep putting yourself in those situations eventually someone is going to find the right combination of looks/works/drinks/compliments and your relationship is going to be at a weak point. And there you have it, you've cheated. Not a risk that's worth it to me, not in the way I see the world anyway. Friends are a dime a dozen, my wife isn't.