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leaving marriage for OW vs leaving for its own problems


calmb4thestorm

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calmb4thestorm

'The Soft Landing' VS Leaving of One's Own Accord

 

 

I won't get into my back story, but I am curious of people's perceptions of this and, in particular, anyone's personal experience who has actually left their BS for their AP rather than leaving the marriage because it was failing anyway (eg. no one waiting in the wings).

 

I know the general consensus is that it's a terrible idea to leave your marriage for an AP, but I want to explore the aspects of this and ask people why this is the case? Is it the extreme betrayal? Hurt? Lack of closure to both parties? Collateral damage? Public perception? Or the lack of guarantee that things will work out with the AP too? I've also heard that people who leave their marriage for their AP are more likely to falter back and forth between their AP and their BS sometimes for months or even years without any real clarity. But are these just anecdotal stories or are there actual stats or studies on this theory to back it up? I know MC's advise against it.

 

I am in a position at the moment where I am still carefully weighing the options of leaving my BS for my AP (as crumby as a thing as that is to say). And my marriage isn't terrible per se, but I just feel more passionate about my AP. Personal judgement aside, what are everyone's thoughts on these two fundamentally different reasons to leave a marriage -- of one's own accord or for the OW/OM?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Personal judgement aside, what are everyone's thoughts on these two fundamentally different reasons to leave a marriage -- of one's own accord or for the OW/OM?

 

That they're not different, at all. Logically, one always leaves a marriage because one is unhappy or not happy enough. No exceptions. The other person is never the reason but merely the motivation to move on to something better. So if the marriage was a good one... the other person would have never even appeared. To leave a marriage and claim that it's due to the AP and not due to being unhappy, that's an oxymoron. People leave on their own when the situation becomes unbearable and that's rare so during the divorce, almost always, there is an affair involved.

 

To the rest of your questions: I doubt you'll get the answers you seek. I personally don't know a lot of affairs turned relationships stories... people usually don't brag about it. The answers on this thread could be tricky. If you get 5 stories selling you the happily ever after story, you'll think it's common and a piece of cake and it will encourage you to move further with your own affair. If you get the opposite answers, you'll think that the life with your AP is impossible.

 

This one is only on you, buddy. Time to be a man and deal with life.

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Midlifecrisis1

I think you have to be prepared for the possibility that the relationship with your AP may not work out either. Or it may wind up just like your current marriage when the passion wears off. The question is, would you rather be single than in your marriage? How will you deal if you divorce and this doesn't work out?

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'The Soft Landing' VS Leaving of One's Own Accord

 

I figured this question is probably most appropriate for the OM/OW forum (as it's probably an issue that many OW/OM are actually facing in reality).

 

I won't get into my back story, but I am curious of people's perceptions of this and, in particular, anyone's personal experience who has actually left their BS for their AP rather than leaving the marriage because it was failing anyway (eg. no one waiting in the wings).

 

I know the general consensus is that it's a terrible idea to leave your marriage for an AP, but I want to explore the aspects of this and ask people why this is the case? Is it the extreme betrayal? Hurt? Lack of closure to both parties? Collateral damage? Public perception? Or the lack of guarantee that things will work out with the AP too? I've also heard that people who leave their marriage for their AP are more likely to falter back and forth between their AP and their BS sometimes for months or even years without any real clarity. But are these just anecdotal stories or are there actual stats or studies on this theory to back it up? I know MC's advise against it.

 

I am in a position at the moment where I am still carefully weighing the options of leaving my BS for my AP (as crumby as a thing as that is to say). And my marriage isn't terrible per se, but I just feel more passionate about my AP. Personal judgement aside, what are everyone's thoughts on these two fundamentally different reasons to leave a marriage -- of one's own accord or for the OW/OM?

 

My first marriage only existed because of an accidental pregnancy and "doing the right thing". We both had affairs. I fell in love with an AP and left, but I would eventually have left anyway.

 

I wasn't worried about betrayal, we'd been betraying each other for years.

 

I wasn't worried about hurt because I don't think my ex is capable of loving anyone nearly as much as he loves himself.

 

I believe closure comes from within.

 

I did have some concerns about collateral damage. We had two children by the time I made the decision to leave. My decision became much easier when I realized it was better for the girls not to grow up watching an extremely dysfunctional marriage between people who loathed each other.

 

I wasn't worried about public perception because most of my friends and family were well aware of my extramarital activities. I was very " This is who I am. Take it or leave it." back then.

 

Yes, I was worried things wouldn't work out with my AP. Other than starting off as an affair, we were also from very different backgrounds. Our feelings were strong and I took a leap of faith.

 

I didn't falter back and forth.

 

My AP and I are now married. We've been married 14 years, together for a total of 17 years.

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My sister left her abusive husband for an AP with my full support. She knew that she had to leave her ex no matter what, but the AP gave her the motivation and strength which she lacked.

 

At the time, she said to me that she didn't know if the new relationship would work out, but she was prepared to take the risk to get herself and the kids out of the marriage.

 

She and the AP have been together for 15 years now.

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HadMeOverABarrel

As a fOW, I would have preferred my xMM to leave his marriage because he acknowledged that it was lacking rather than for me specifically. That would give me confidence that he knew in his heart he was done with BS and his M, so I would never have to worry in the near and distant future that he would return to her or wonder if he did the right thing...that he was indeed free body/mind/spirit to engage me without any hangups. I subscribe to that especially after reading how many MM's returned to their BS's after committing to (even moving in with) AP...that is soooo painful for AP's. Also, in the long run I don't know that I would want the feeling that my xMM left "for me" because I would have a lifetime tinge of homewrecker guilt.

 

I will admit that while thick into my A with xMM, I would have considered it a victory if he jumped ship and set up camp with me--but in hindsight, glad it didn't go that way. Even now if I could forgive some of what he did, I would still insist that he is 200% clear about his desire to get out of his M because he believes it is the best thing for him regardless of me.

 

Disclaimer for BS's...above not a suggestion that OP dump his BS--that is only for OP to decide. Just wanted to give an honest, authentic OW perspective. ;)

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Midwestmissy

My husband cheated because he had serious problems he refused to face. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but we loved each other and our kids. We had built a life for 25 yrs. I wasn't having my needs met, so I went to therapy, got help, set up marriage counselling, went back to work, volunteered. Nothing to hurt our family.

 

By that point, wh was well into his 6 month limerence with his employee, so the problems in the marriage looked more and more to him like I was to blame. I mean, mow was happy with him, so I was thevproblem. He didn't have a bad marriage he had a bad wife. I mean, I was the one in therapy, right? He was soooooooo happy!

 

So everything blows up, I kick him out, mask slips on mow, wh runs to therapist, and realizes he has projected all his failures onto me and held me accountable for his crap. Realizes he was not the light of mow's life, but one of many many ATMs, er, best friends she "spent time with".

 

Had he left for her (and she wanted him to, because ATM) he would have brought his problems right along with him. And he would have had the fun times of meeting all her other "really really good friends", plus her 4 neglected kids. He's the first to tell you that she was the biggest mistake of his life, but no one could have convinced him of that at the time. No one. Because during that time, what he felt and what he was doing was bang on exactly right. Realizing what he had thrown away - dinners with kids every night, snuggling on the couch w the whole family, the home I kept full of love, stability, groceries - how easy I made things for him when he came home, woke him the eff up. He still can't believe what he did.

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Hi

I think people are being harsh here. I read your back story and actually to me you seem like a conflicted person - no worse than any of us women on this board that's for sure!!

 

i would say tho- if you don't love your wife- and you love AP - and you can make it work with kids I would leave. But that's from me who has an xMM who I know stayed because of his love for his kids

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Personal judgement aside, what are everyone's thoughts on these two fundamentally different reasons to leave a marriage -- of one's own accord or for the OW/OM?

 

Disclaimer: my H left the xBWW during our A, and we have been M for several years now.

 

Would he have left the M without the A? Not in the short term. His kids had been traumatised during a previous split - xBWW physically attacked him in front of them and left (for AP) but when that didn't work out, begged to come back and he foolishly agreed, for the kids. Of course she didn't keep her promises, it all went tits up very quickly, but he felt he couldn't subject the kids to more trauma - so he stayed. And became vulnerable to an A. The A provided him with a model for a normal, healthy R - showing just how broken the M was - and he sought counselling which empowered him to leave (in a healthy way, with the kids' support).

 

So - did he leave the M on its own merits, or "for" the OW? Perhaps both, perhaps neither. He certainly left _because of_ the OW (or the A) - without it, he would not have had the motivation to pull the plug before the kids had left home. Was it _for_ the OW? It was for himself, for his kids, and for our R.

 

Without the A, he'd likely have stuck out the toxic M for longer - at great cost to himself and the kids. He benefited from the perspective the A provided on what a proper R should be. Without the A, he thought he was doomed to try to last it out until he kids were old enough. The A helped him understand that healthier alternatives were possible.

 

In your case, you say the M isn't toxic, isn't broken, isn't "terrible per se" - but your R with your AP is "more passionate". You're comparing women, and comparing Rs, when what IMO you should be comparing is yourself.

 

Which version of yourself do you find most authentic - the self you see reflected back when you're shaving in the morning at home with the BW, or the self you glimpse in a shop window when you're out with your OW on your arm? Which self do you feel proudest of - the self sitting explaining something to your kids, with your BW in the background, or the self telling your father about your night out with your OW? Which self would you rather photograph and stick into an update of your high school yearbook - the one with the BW, or the one with the OW? When you die, who would you rather see on the front bench at the funeral - your OW or your BW? Who would you be happiest to list as "next of kin" with your HR department?

 

It's really not about them - or shouldn't be - and who stacks up best. It's about you, the person you want to be, and who best helps or hinders that.

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somanymistakes

As the other woman, I would rather he left her because their relationship is inherently broken, not because I lured him away. I do want him to leave her and be with me. I just don't want to be the primary reason he's doing it.

 

Part of this is the purely selfish guilt-covering reason that I don't want to think of it as all my fault. Most people don't want to think of themselves as evil homewreckers. Destroying the BS's life wasn't their goal. They'd rather believe it would (or at least should) have happened anyway.

 

There's also what it means for the future relationship. If you leave one marriage just because a shinier girl came along, then there's the expectation that you may well do it again as soon as the shine wears off this one and a newer younger one turns up. If instead you leave your marriage because it was fundamentally falling apart, then your next partner has better grounds for believing it might work out. Some problems can be avoided! If your first marriage fails because of a huge mismatch in sexual desire and that mismatch doesn't exist in the second marriage, then your second wife doesn't have the same need to constantly worry that she would if your first marriage failed because of your wandering eye, which you probably still have.

 

And almost every affair we hear about in here starts with the MM confessing to the sympathetic new woman about how troubled and unhappy his marriage is. That's the foundation the affair is built on. So of course she wants it to be true, or it undermines everything she's ever had with him.

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IMO and experience, people who leave FOR someone don't end up happy. For many reasons:

-usually they're in the infatuation/limerence stage with their AP and we all know how that wears off when reality sets in.

-there is added drama of betrayal added to the divorce process making it bitter and difficult- no matter how stale the marriage was it will now be all about the A.

-children find out either now or when they're older and lose respect for the WS

-there may always be a sense of "what if I stayed and worked on it? Could we have improved our marriage? Saved our family?" You'll never know

-they usually jump from living with someone for years and years to jumping right into living with the AP instead of taking the time alone to mourn the end of the marriage properly and have a "real" relationship with the AP where you date and progress over months or years to living together. Seems a lot of people think if they're leaving their marriage for and AP they are doing it because they want to be with the AP forever and they jump right into marriage or living together when they don't even really know eachother outside the fantasy bubble.

-when things go south with the AP (and way more often than not, they will) you will be asking yourself "should I have left my wife, kids, house, 1/2 401k, 1/2 retirement, etc for this person?????

-they generally bring their problems from one relationship to the next because they don't spend the time to work on themselves and will bail when the new one gets rough too

 

IMO those who leave on their own with no AP involved have a better sense of peace:

-they usually have had the talk with the spouse about the marriage and most times it can be resolved amicably. Maybe both even agree it's time to move on

-you most likely would have tried marriage counseling or IC and gained some perspective on yourself, and your communication styles and why it is time to move on from your spouse.

-the stressful divorce process isn't hindered by things like "I refuse to let the kids be around your AP" and the resentment and hurt from your BS that will manifest in petty divorce battles

-the kids can see that you and BS tried everything and maturely decided to part ways. Since there is no betrayal involved....there's more unity in the family (even though you are apart) and that is great for the kids.

-they know deep down they did everything they could to save the marriage. They have a sense of peace and no guilt.

-they spend time living alone, and getting to know themselves and who they are and what they want for the rest of their lives without the pressure of someone else's expectations on them (the AP).

-when they do date, their ex spouse is more likely to be cordial and trusting of your new partner which is good for your family.

 

This is all very obvious. You know what the right thing to do is, you're just too selfish to do it. And that's what got you to this point in the first place: selfishness.

Edited by aileD
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Would you give the thumbs up on someone being in a relationship with a known liar? I'd say run. Every time. S

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HappyAgain2014

Your real problem is the power you believe you have. You seem to believe it's only your choice to make. At some point, your wife or OW will have enough of your lies and waffling. It will become impossible for them to make excuses for you. At the same time, don't expect the one remaining to think they got the prize.

 

You're sexually attracted to your OW yet you don't trust her and feel threatened by the possibility of other men wanting her. Meanwhile, your wife lets pesky things like raising children get in the way of working her body into something you can worship and fails to greet you in lingerie every night.

 

This isn't a difference between women. This is the difference between roles. You see your wife as a mom. You see her in reality. She has bills to pay, mundane tasks to take care of and small people to raise. Your time with your OW is all about you. Sexually pleasing you, stroking your ego, and fantasizing about a future that will never live up to the dreamland you've concocted.

 

Time with your OW is like a vacation.... it's not reality. Your life with your wife is reality so she can't compete.

 

None of your posts have been about anything real. You've never mentioned your children. Will the OW be good to them? Will she understand the devastation they will endure? Are either of you prepared to listen to this kids ask when they are going "home" to see their mom? Home is a feeling of love and security. They are unlikely to feel that in the presence to two sexual dynamos that can't wait to be alone to bask in their new life. You have no clue what you're facing. Most importantly, it seems like it's not a priority in your decision making process.

 

Will your OW love you if your hair falls out? If you gain 30 pounds? If the equipment stops working? Are you confident your OW will see you through illness? Will she hold your hand when you die?

 

That's commitment. If you can't commit to your wife and stop acting like a horny teenager, at least have the guts to be honest and let her go. Your wife's biggest crime is trusting you not to betray her. She probably has no idea you'd compare her to another women in such demeaning, trivial ways.

 

All of your behavior is rooted in entitlement and insecurity. You need to make that your priority to figure out. Who you'll sleep with long term is not important.

Edited by HappyAgain2014
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My brother left his first wife for his ow, who he subsequently married, and that marriage is also over.

 

From what he ays, he never really trusted his second wife, as she had been cheating on her husband with him, and left him to marry my brother. He began to recognize some behaviors in her that she'd been exhibiting while she was cheating on her first husband with him, and guess what?

 

She was cheating on my brother.

 

It turns out there was really as much between them as he thought there was, and as soon as the "prop" of his first wife was no longer an issue, their relationship crumbled.

They actually needed his first marriage, as that provided an " it's us against her and the world" factor, which was part of the glue that held them together. Once she was gone, they really had nothing left. They were no longer star crossed lovers fighting against the wicked bs ( at least that's how she viewed his first wife), they were an ordinary married couple who really had little to go on.

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HadMeOverABarrel
Disclaimer: my H....

 

It's really not about them - or shouldn't be - and who stacks up best. It's about you, the person you want to be, and who best helps or hinders that.

 

This whole post...brilliant!

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amomwhoknows

Not sure why my previous post was deleted.

 

I will say it softer (cause I guess op needs gentleness)

 

His back story matters. Read his prior posts. He is being incredibly cruel to his wife. Incredibly.

 

To the OP -- there are many reasons that relationships that start as affairs don't last.

 

If you wouldn't be leaving if not for this other person, then you shouldn't be leaving.

 

However, in this case, I kind of think the two of you deserve each other. So there is that.

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Lady Hamilton

My husband and I had an affair together, left our spouses, and married each other. When I left. When he left, a combination of guilt and her behavior led him to bounce back and forth a few times, but the affair would resume nearly immediately after.

 

FWIW, passion had nothing to do with anything. I mean, our relationship was the definition of passion... But who cares about passion? It's temporary. It comes and goes. Sometimes you'll have it, sometimes you won't. So to choose one or the other on the basis of passion just means your relationship is a timer. Once the passion is in an ebb, you'll be exactly where you are now. A good, but not great, marriage and an eye for the next thing, wondering if that upgrade is the one you'll go with now that things have calmed down.

 

For me, it was the realization that I'd rather be with my AP and take the risk of it not working out, leaving me alone, or be married to who I was with. When I realized being alone was more attractive than being married to who I was with, that's when I knew leaving was right. My worst case scenario with my AP made me happier than my best case scenario with my husband of the time.

 

It worked out for us. We are still together, had children, have primary custody of his children from his first marriage, and we are quite happy, rounding the corner on 10 years together shortly. We did have to overcome the divorce drama, the initial stigma, my insecurity and paranoia, and health concerns. But we've leveled out and have been for quite awhile.

 

We are not the norm.

 

And the relationship we have now in no way even begins to shadow the relationship we had when we were an affair.

 

If we had decided to be together on the grounds of having the same type of relationship we had then, we'd have broken up a looooooooongntime ago. We are still madly in love, but moments that defined the love then are very different than what defines it now. Back then love was the stolen moments, the sexual intimacy, the intimacy of a unique friendship. Now it's the "boring" stuff that is more everyday but more meaningful in consistency, the sticking by each other for the hard, gross stuff, and a deepening of the friendship that you only get when you invest your friendship into a relationship.

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