I dont know what I should be expecting?

[johnjones]

I can't believe I'm here - I'm certain that's normal. We are now 6 months after d day. We have fought hard to be here - at the moment i crack about every 4 weeks for a week. I get low and down about her 3 month affair - to the point of being physically sick and not sleeping. We have been married for 8 years, no children. I thought she was happy and like so many others, i eventually saw signs that something was wrong but refused to believe it. She denied any direct questions until I found the messages. They were like something from Romeo and Juliette. She didn't just fall for someone else, she fell hard and fast. I didn't know she was capable. They only slept together once, just before I found out. I'm certain it would've carried on had i not.

 

Since then, I dont know what else I can ask of her. She cut contact with him straight away even changed her phone number. She gave me access to everything she has online. She offered to quit her job but the OM left first ( after 3 months nice period ). She wants to move to the other side of world with me. She cries a lot - my paranoid state tells me its because she misses him - but she says its "everything". She calls and messages me more during the day, she says she misses me etc... I can't help but feel like its not enough. I cant count my "blessings" while i'm in so much pain.

 

Im a hollow wreck inside and i can't escape the feeling that she doesn't care. Even though I dont know what else she can do. I feel like she is only with me so she can appease her conscience and as soon as the OM comes back from his travels she can hook up again telling herself she tried her best with me.

 

I circle feelings of her wanting to sweep it under the carpet and go back to how we were before - but im stuck in this place were she was besotted with him. I'm desperate for her to feel about me as she did about him. She says she did in the past and will again eventually.

 

Every time i have a bad week she talks about separating. she says she doesn't think I can get over it or we'll make it and maybe she should leave.

 

We were happy, we were content, we had a life plan, we were working hard and enjoying travelling the world a lot. Now i cant sleep next to her not knowing if she is falling asleep thinking about him. Every time we have sex its like i'm him.

 

I don't know why she stayed and even though she did I feel like I lost - but i don't know what else she can do to help me out of this hole.

 

I'd appreciate any suggestions? Anything that helped anyone forgive, forget and move on? any milestones we can reach for?

[understand50]

johnjones,

 

I been there. If you want to reconcile, and really think you want to stay with her, it will get better with time. That is the hell of it, you can not make it go faster. The best thing to do is to make time with each other and work at reconnecting. From what you wrote, it looks like she is doing what she can, but have her read the following. I included the free PDF link:

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Her showing remorse, past what she is doing will help you heal, and her her as well. There was a good discussion on what remorse is. here is the link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs-2.html#post7202267

 

Here is my take:

 

" All,

 

In the English language, Remorse means the following:

 

noun, deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.

 

So from a strictly literal grammatical point of view, remorse, is just a handy way of stating that you have regret, shame, guilt and so fourth for your actions. I think for us here, a larger meaning is evident. We have had many give their personal meaning from Mrs J.A, to Merrmeade, Shattered Lady, and others. Each has a take, and "knows" what this means, but in relating gives a twist.

 

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

Of course, there are limits. I would say, physical harm, or loss of human dignity should not be offered, or accepted, but the one who has trespassed, must be willing to put the other ahead of them in the relationship.

 

My two cents."

 

You also have work to do. Please read this link over as it has a discussion on this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation.

 

 

Also the top link on this page, you should know as a baseline.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

My point is, is this takes time and you both need to learn the skill and actions to help each other heal and reconcile. It can be done I have, as a Betrayed spouse (BS), other have helped their spouse and are Former wondering Spouse (FWS) we can all give our take and what we did. IN the end you both will have to work hard, and commute to each other. You will have to forgive, but you will never forget. How you do this is for you alone, but it can be done. First thing is to remember that what you are feeling what you are going trough, to include being physically sick is normal. Same happened to me. AS time went on, things got better. My wife, stayed faithful.

 

I do not think for you, that divorcing, will lesson the pain you are feeling, I do think you both should decide if you are going to stay married, and leave any talk of leaving behind. I hope she is telling this way because she love you , and does not want to cause you pain, but leaving you not knowing the commitment for the relationship is damaging. You must both be all in for recollection to work. This will get better, but it will take hard work.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Overtaxed]

I can't believe I'm here - I'm certain that's normal. We are now 6 months after d day. We have fought hard to be here - at the moment i crack about every 4 weeks for a week. I get low and down about her 3 month affair - to the point of being physically sick and not sleeping. We have been married for 8 years, no children. I thought she was happy and like so many others, i eventually saw signs that something was wrong but refused to believe it. She denied any direct questions until I found the messages. They were like something from Romeo and Juliette. She didn't just fall for someone else, she fell hard and fast. I didn't know she was capable. They only slept together once, just before I found out. I'm certain it would've carried on had i not.

 

Since then, I dont know what else I can ask of her. She cut contact with him straight away even changed her phone number. She gave me access to everything she has online. She offered to quit her job but the OM left first ( after 3 months nice period ). She wants to move to the other side of world with me. She cries a lot - my paranoid state tells me its because she misses him - but she says its "everything". She calls and messages me more during the day, she says she misses me etc... I can't help but feel like its not enough. I cant count my "blessings" while i'm in so much pain.

 

Im a hollow wreck inside and i can't escape the feeling that she doesn't care. Even though I dont know what else she can do. I feel like she is only with me so she can appease her conscience and as soon as the OM comes back from his travels she can hook up again telling herself she tried her best with me.

 

I circle feelings of her wanting to sweep it under the carpet and go back to how we were before - but im stuck in this place were she was besotted with him. I'm desperate for her to feel about me as she did about him. She says she did in the past and will again eventually.

 

Every time i have a bad week she talks about separating. she says she doesn't think I can get over it or we'll make it and maybe she should leave.

 

We were happy, we were content, we had a life plan, we were working hard and enjoying travelling the world a lot. Now i cant sleep next to her not knowing if she is falling asleep thinking about him. Every time we have sex its like i'm him.

 

I don't know why she stayed and even though she did I feel like I lost - but i don't know what else she can do to help me out of this hole.

 

I'd appreciate any suggestions? Anything that helped anyone forgive, forget and move on? any milestones we can reach for?

 

Wow man; I had to read that twice to make sure I didn't open a new account and post last night in my sleep. Sounds very similar to my story. D-day for me was about 8 weeks ago. It's been a very hard road, and I'm still very fresh at this, but, I'll do my best to give some experiences that have helped me.

 

First off, get into therapy. I started about 1 week after discovery, and, while it's a PITA and sometimes feels like a waste of time, it does seem to help me process the feelings.

 

I circle feelings of her wanting to sweep it under the carpet and go back to how we were before - but im stuck in this place were she was besotted with him. I'm desperate for her to feel about me as she did about him. She says she did in the past and will again eventually.

 

A few things here. First off, I hear you. The temptation to just "let go" is very strong for me too. I already know how I'd do it, my wife wasn't a virgin when we met, and I know I could easily fool myself into thinking this is "just another number". It's not, and I'm not going to sweep it under the carpet. We talk about it. We talk about it a LOT. She DOES NOT get to decide when you're ready to let go. You do. She DOES NOT get to carpet sweep; only when you're ready do you let go/stop asking questions/stop talking about it with her. If she doesn't like that, she can leave, or she can go back in time and not cheat.

 

Also, and this is very hard to hear. You'll never compare to the feelings she had for the AP. It was a fantasy. The feelings weren't real. It's like coming into a drug support forum and saying "I want to feel as good as I did when I was taking heroin". Sorry, that's not going to happen. However, and this is important, those feelings were FAKE. They are make believe. And, at least with my W, a big part of getting over it is realizing that it's not real. My W and AP were both lying to each other, big lies, about their hopes/dreams/etc to be as attractive to one another as humanly possible. No long term partner can do that, because, eventually, you'll have to make good on those lies. But an AP can and does, I'm sure your W did the same thing to him. Just realize those feelings aren't real; help your W realize that, and hopefully that will let her start to see the A for what it was, the worst possible betrayal of trust where she got nothing but some time with a guy who was willing to lie to her non-stop to get in her pants. Not to excuse her behavior, she lied to him too, but, women generally get more upset when they feel "tricked" into sex than men, so, at least in my case, it was very helpful with my WW.

 

I found the messages too. And they echo what you found. Just totally over the top stuff. I'd die for you. You're the most special thing to me in the world. Blah, blah. Come d-day, the AP dropped my W like a hot potato, they've been NC since. Again to my earlier point, it's all make believe. Tell her you'll build her a rocket and go to the moon to get married, it's about as likely as the lovey-dovey BS being spewed back and forth. IMHO, her actions when "she get's sober" (after NC/d-day) are the real her. The stuff she said during the A was about as "real" as Big Bird; not that it's all that helpful, but it does temper the pain a bit.

 

If you feel like she doesn't care, tell her why. If she doesn't change, you need to consider leaving. The WS should basically be doing anything/everything to keep you; not the other way around. Not to say you shouldn't also make changes, there is a reason this happened; and yes, most of it is a character flaw in your W, but some of it does likely tie back to your relationship (something I examined a lot in my thread). But, no matter what, don't let her make it your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. She could have asked for a D, instead she slept with another man, that is not, and NEVER COULD BE your fault. Make sure you're firm on that both to her and in your own mind.

 

One final thing I'll say, a lot of posters here will tell you to D. And, if that's what you want, by all means, I think it's the fastest path to stopping the pain. But, if you want to R, take the advice from the posters on here who've been through that process, not those that set the bed on fire when they found out. There's nothing wrong with either option, and, depending on your situation, your WW's willingness to work, and how you feel, you get to make that decision every morning when you wake up. Can I live with this? If not, leave. If so, stay. Neither decision is right/wrong. Neither makes you weak/strong. They just are; take them as clinically as possible and try to make the right decision for yourself, not for her and not for "us".

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/610566-low-sex-partner-affair-fresh-d-day

[aliveagain]

Friend, it takes 2-5 years, that is an average that is generally accepted to get over an affair. Do not be too quick to forgive until you really know what you want. Do not listen to her B/S about it being 6 months and you are not over it yet. You will be over it when you have all the truth and you've had time to grieve the loss of what you thought was your marriage. It is rare that they tell you all the truth when busted. You caught her, she didn't stop on her own and confess to you, they would still be at it today if you hadn't seen their messages. They usually minimize the extent of their affair because they know that you would probably leave if you knew how bad it really was.

 

First, get professional help to deal with this, don't try to fix this on your own or you will be reliving a similar experience again sometime in the not too distant future. She needs independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to be unfaithful to you. Don't waste your money on marriage counselling until you know the real why's because she will not be a safe partner until they fix what is broken in her. I know that is not what you want to hear, you just want things to be the way they were. The way things were ended with your wife falling in love with another man and having sex with the POS.

 

Have you exposed the affair to the other mans significant other? Have you talked to a lawyer so you understand your rights? Has she written you a complete timeline of every event between them that led to an affair? Do not let your wife who makes very bad decisions decide the fate of your marriage. You have no children, my first urge is to tell you to run because how the hell are you going to trust her to be faithful for the next 50 years if she can't make it past 8? Make her do the work to fix herself and the damage she caused to the marriage. The affair would never have happened if she didn't want it to happen. Put the blame where it belongs, on your wife. You are the prize, she is just a regular unfaithful cheating spouse. You are hurting because you took a sever hit to your masculinity, she helped a challenging male take what was yours. You are trying to preserve your feelings for her by targeting your hatred on him. Affairs bring temporary joy, the reality though is they destroy.

 

Take your time deciding what it is you really want. Do not let her pressure you into rug sweeping this because nothing will be fixed and you already know if the opportunity arises and she thinks she can get away with it she will act on it. There is no easy fix, your brain knows this and your heart is trying to convince you otherwise and this is why you are in conflict. Do what is best for you, you already know what she thought was best for her.

Edited March 3, 2017 by aliveagain

[WilyWill]

Every time i have a bad week she talks about separating. she says she doesn't think I can get over it or we'll make it and maybe she should leave.

 

It's your call, but someone who's really remorseful and committed to you should not be emotionally blackmailing you with threats of leaving. She's not off to a very good start. I'd be inclined to take her up on it next time she offers, especially since you have no children. Whatever you do, do NOT have children with her at this point, or fall for any tricks in that regard.

 

She needs to fully explore why she did this to you, not just convince you to stop talking about it.

 

Has she been tested for STDs? Is this really her first foray into infidelity, or were there others that you don't know about?

 

You will never fully get past this. There will always be a dark cloud hanging over your marriage, and you'll need to take time to determine if you can live with that. You sound young. Know that there are millions of good women looking for a long, faithful relationship with a husband they cherish.

[Giacomo67]

each one of us deals with betrayal in diffrent manners..... If for you (like it was for me) it'a a big deal breaker, then i suggest that you take your time.

I left for 1 week and stayed totaly NC. Then I went back home for another week but having a mindframe clear about what i wanted and what i needed.

 

You have no kids, so this is something much easier for you to do.

 

Also, but that is my opinion, i dont beleive that a 3 month A. led to sex only once..... no way!

 

Anyway, you need to work only on yourself, just tell her that you are taking time to understand if this is something you can really forgive and to respect your space in doing so

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's your call, but someone who's really remorseful and committed to you should not be emotionally blackmailing you with threats of leaving. She's not off to a very good start. I'd be inclined to take her up on it next time she offers, especially since you have no children. Whatever you do, do NOT have children with her at this point, or fall for any tricks in that regard.

 

She needs to fully explore why she did this to you, not just convince you to stop talking about it.

 

Has she been tested for STDs? Is this really her first foray into infidelity, or were there others that you don't know about?

 

You will never fully get past this. There will always be a dark cloud hanging over your marriage, and you'll need to take time to determine if you can live with that. You sound young. Know that there are millions of good women looking for a long, faithful relationship with a husband they cherish.

 

As a former wayward I can give you some insight to this issue.

 

Every year in October my husband went into deep depression... and every year I asked him... do you want me to leave.

 

This went in for thirty years

 

I asked because I wanted to do what was best for him... and if ending our relationship would have helped him to heal.. I was willing to do what he needed. That is not being selfish ... that is being humble. But I will also tell you every year when his answer was no ... I want you to stay... it gave me hope to get through the rough patch.

 

Reconciliation is not easy... but it is just as difficult and unpredictable for a wayward as it is for a betrayed.

 

She knows she is the villain ... she knows this pain is on her shoulders...and she is just as frightened as he is.

[Confused48]

 

i can't escape the feeling that she doesn't care.

 

 

I'm just guessing here but I doubt that unless she is some kind of monster, that she doesn't care at all. That being said, your gut is probably right that she doesn't care like you need her too. And she won't. Not till the OM has been out of her life for a lot longer yet.

 

 

I'm desperate for her to feel about me as she did about him. She says she did in the past and will again eventually.

 

She may very well get to that point. But it will be a long time. Do you really want to wait for that? For her, when she did this to you?

 

Anything that helped anyone forgive, forget and move on? any milestones we can reach for?

 

Like you said earlier, you are still in danger of her repeating this. Until she has some serious counseling of her own to find out why she was so susceptible to this degenerate behavior, she is still susceptible to it. It is too early to think about moving on. You need the fear of relapse to keep you vigilant now.

[NotCamelot]

First, I am sorry that you are here. But this is a good place. Almost everyone here has been where you are and knows how you feel. You will get a lot of advice here; some good, some bad. Take it all in and use what works for you.

 

 

You will make it through this. Whether the two of you stay together, or not, is unknown at this early stage. But, as living proof, I can tell you that it is very possible. Though it takes a lot of work from both to make it happen.

 

 

I am coming up on 5 years since D-day. And, to answer your question, what worked for us was creating a lot of NEW memories. It has been almost like creating a new relationship from the start. And that was best. It is a new marriage in a way and I don't want the old one back.

 

 

If you intend to reconcile with her, and you feel she is sincere, a lot of talk, though hard to do, helps a lot. You are so freshly into this right now. Don't expect to feel good for a while. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

 

 

Together. That is what worked for us. You must really want it to work.

 

 

And I will also caution you --- don't ask for some information that you are not prepared to live with. Ask all you need to heal. You cannot "unknow" something. Please remember that.

[johnjones]

Wow, thank you all so much for your help and advice. Especially for the links. The one "understanding your betrayed spouse" reduced me a number of times - I started underlining bits then realised I was underlining most of it! She has said she will read it - but it puts me in a predicament...

 

When we first sat down she asked me what she can do to help. I said even if I knew I don't want to tell her because then there's no meaning in it. I wanted her to care enough to figure it out. If you tell someone to say I'm sorry everyday they might aswell not say it.

 

From the day she reads it, I'm scared anything she does will be meaningless, but is that better than her not doing it at all?

 

I'm definite I want to stay with her. She is all I've known since I was 19. Im now 34. My world revolves around her. She says she didn't know I loved her this much - that's my part to play in her affair. I was never good at expressing my love.

 

She went to therapy for a while and it turns out a big reason for this is we were brought up in a cult / religion. Which I now know she has never believed in and this was her escape. He offered her a new life. She now knows my religious beliefs are not hers. I think I'm satisfied that's the reason.

 

On d day I arranged for the 3 of us to meet where I told her to choose. She tells me she chose me because she felt guilty.

 

I just can't escape the feeling that I'm 2nd best. She's only with me because he's not around.

 

This sucks.

 

But thankyou all for being so helpful and supportive!

[aliveagain]

Don't settle, never be second best, your the prize man.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Look..you are the beginning of a very long road trip....

 

You are both trying to figure out how to read the map.

 

Ultimately you both want to get to the same destination....and you neither one know how to get there. So you listen to the advice everyone else gives...and you creep along....hoping that the roads you are on will get you to your final destination....reconciliation and PEACE.

 

I am here to tell you...this will be the longest trip of your life....and no one really knows the best way for you and your wife to get to your destination.

 

We can tell you how we traveled...the routes we took....the detours....the speed limits....and the hazards. But our route may not be the best route for you.

 

Listen to your heart....only you know what is the best way for you. Trust your co pilot....but remember that she has made mistakes and has gone off the road and gotten lost....so always keep your hands on the wheel. Trust her with caution.....listen to her....but check out what she tells you.....making sure that she gives you the right information for you to process.

 

If at any time....you think she is leading you down the wrong road....stop the car and get out.

 

See... the thing about reconciliation is this...you can change your mind and take the drive solo.

 

She's the one who wrecked the car....and you are simply trying to fix it...but it might be...the car is totaled.

 

give yourself time....lots and lots of time

 

and if at any time...you think you cannot go on...then simply stop.

 

I recommend to everyone....get your ducks in a row....see a lawyer....find out your legal rights. Seek therapy....you need someone who is impartial to talk to.

 

and be patient.....because this takes time and patience and love.

 

If your wife does not give you the things you need from her....remember to TELL her what you need for healing. If she is NOT willing to do what you need....file for divorce. If you see she is trying....then give her time.

 

I wish you the best of luck.....

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm well beyond your stage, but I still feel a pit in my stomach every time someone says " they only slept together once."

 

It's been my experience, that "once" almost never, ever, EVER means once. That may not matter to you, but I had to share my thoughts, because while you are working to get over it all, and she is trying to just move past it, you have some painful trickle truths coming your way.

 

You can survive it...but with no kids.... I wouldn't try.

[Marc878]

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving forever.

 

Better think long and hard about what you want.

 

No kids young and only been married a short time.

 

You can waste years with no guarantee.

 

Only had sex once is normally a lie. I can't tell you how many times this is said.

 

A cheaters mantra is lie, hide, deny.

[bigman1]

Dude,

Your are answering your own questions

 

1. She told you that she chose you because she felt guilty. She did not pick you because she loved you.

 

2. You want to stay together because you have been together since you were 19 and she is all you know and your world.

 

You have a lot of reading and counseling to do. Look at co-dependency. Like a lot. Now.

 

Those are the two impediments to success. You stay because you can't help it. she stays because she felt guilty. Nothing about that says success. Get help for you and worry about the rest later.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm well beyond your stage, but I still feel a pit in my stomach every time someone says " they only slept together once."

 

It's been my experience, that "once" almost never, ever, EVER means once. That may not matter to you, but I had to share my thoughts, because while you are working to get over it all, and she is trying to just move past it, you have some painful trickle truths coming your way.

 

You can survive it...but with no kids.... I wouldn't try.

 

once in my case...was ONCE

 

just sayin

 

It sometimes really is the truth...and there are many here that will say it isn't....because they are SPECULATING about others situations.

 

If he loves her...kids or no kids....this is completely HIS decision...and while others may choose differently...it still remains HIS choice.

[Life lessons]

Wow, thank you all so much for your help and advice. Especially for the links. The one "understanding your betrayed spouse" reduced me a number of times - I started underlining bits then realised I was underlining most of it! She has said she will read it - but it puts me in a predicament...

 

When we first sat down she asked me what she can do to help. I said even if I knew I don't want to tell her because then there's no meaning in it. I wanted her to care enough to figure it out. If you tell someone to say I'm sorry everyday they might aswell not say it.

 

From the day she reads it, I'm scared anything she does will be meaningless, but is that better than her not doing it at all?

 

I'm definite I want to stay with her. She is all I've known since I was 19. Im now 34. My world revolves around her. She says she didn't know I loved her this much - that's my part to play in her affair. I was never good at expressing my love.

 

She went to therapy for a while and it turns out a big reason for this is we were brought up in a cult / religion. Which I now know she has never believed in and this was her escape. He offered her a new life. She now knows my religious beliefs are not hers. I think I'm satisfied that's the reason.

 

On d day I arranged for the 3 of us to meet where I told her to choose. She tells me she chose me because she felt guilty.

 

I just can't escape the feeling that I'm 2nd best. She's only with me because he's not around.

 

This sucks.

 

But thankyou all for being so helpful and supportive!

 

I have recently been in your W situation. I had an A. I can tell you I love my husband deeply and still had the A. I don't think you need to think she would've left you for the other man because most of the time, that isn't the reality. I would've never left my H for the OM. If the A only went on a few months, it's very possible she didn't and doesn't have love for him. Lust and infatuation, absolutely, but not love. I wish you luck and hope things get better for you and that you can deal with the WW. From my personal experience, I was in the A well over 3 months and knew I didn't love him. It was an escape of some kind. The extra attention felt nice. Everything was a fantasy. A beautiful fantasy that had to be kept in the dark.

[Imajerk17]

I have recently been in your W situation. I had an A. I can tell you I love my husband deeply and still had the A. I don't think you need to think she would've left you for the other man because most of the time, that isn't the reality. I would've never left my H for the OM. If the A only went on a few months, it's very possible she didn't and doesn't have love for him. Lust and infatuation, absolutely, but not love. I wish you luck and hope things get better for you and that you can deal with the WW. From my personal experience, I was in the A well over 3 months and knew I didn't love him. It was an escape of some kind. The extra attention felt nice. Everything was a fantasy. A beautiful fantasy that had to be kept in the dark.

 

I don't think to the betrayed spouse, there is anything "beautiful" about the fantasy at all. And "beautiful" should NOT be how you'd describe betraying your husband like that.

[oldshirt]

She is all I've known since I was 19. Im now 34. My world revolves around her. !

 

This is your # 1 problem.

 

Whether you ultimately remain together or ultimately split up, your top priority needs to be to get a life of your own.

 

I'm not saying that she cheated on you because your world revolved around her, but a big part of people cheating is a lack of respect for their spouse and believing that no matter how bad they hurt their spouse, they believe that their spouse will continue to accept them and accept their bad behavior. Women cannot respect men who make their whole lives revolving around them. They cannot desire a man they do not respect.

 

People who think their spouses have rich and fulfilling lives and who would be able to turn and walk away if they screw up - rarely screw up.

 

If you divorce, you will need to get a life of your own and be able to live a rich and full life without your wife.

 

If you remain together and want to have any semblance of a healthy and happy existence, you will need to get a rich and full life of your own that may include her in it, but does not revolve around her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My husband and i have been together since i was 16 and he was 18....we are now 61 and 64

 

I completely understand this mindset of being together and not imagining the two of you apart....regardless of infidelity or not.

 

I also think describing an affair as a beautiful memory kept in the dark...is not the place to be mentally if you are attempting reconciliation.....not now....not ever

 

and if you said this to your betrayed husband...he too would be extremely offended...it might even be a deal breaker for him

[Life lessons]

I don't think to the betrayed spouse, there is anything "beautiful" about the fantasy at all. And "beautiful" should NOT be how you'd describe betraying your husband like that.

 

I understand what you're saying but I also stand by what I said. I'm just being honest!!! That's exactly how I felt at the time and what i thought! I agree that betraying ones spouse is not beautiful but the A did seem like a beautiful fantasy st the time.

[aileD]

When we first sat down she asked me what she can do to help. I said even if I knew I don't want to tell her because then there's no meaning in it. I wanted her to care enough to figure it out. If you tell someone to say I'm sorry everyday they might aswell not say it.

 

Try not to think like this. Her asking what she can do to help you is showing interest in your healing process. And her willingness to do those things shows she cares about what's important to you. So don't think like that. It's just putting negative into what could be a positive thing.

 

I am also 6 mos into R as a BS. It's not easy. And it won't be for a long time. I will get **** here for saying this, but it's how I truly feel. Everyone focuses on the WS falling at our feet doing everything possible to adore us, make us feel comfortable etc and if they're not you should immediately divorce them. well the WS is human too. They are dealing with emotions of guilt and shame that can result in feelings of frustration or wanting to rug sweep. It doesn't mean that your R won't work. It's a hurdle that needs to be recognized and worked through.

 

I have wartched a TON of you tube videos from Affair recovery. They do a good job of looking at things from both the BS and the WS point of view. Often times they will take one issue and do two videos on it....one for the WS and one for the BS. Me and H have watched these videos together and it's helped us both understand how the other is feeling or what they're dealing with.

 

This is a precarious time. I hope that you are doing IC and MC. I do wish you the best and will say both parties have to be willing to fight for the marriage.

 

Here's a link to the affair recovery YouTube page

 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeneINV1yWUhjo1xCjz099Q

[drifter777]

With no kids in the picture you will be foolish to try to reconcile with your WW. Really. Just start packing and leave. See a lawyer on Monday & end the marriage ASAP. You will begin to heal the moment you grab your suitcase and walk to your car.

 

Your only 34 with your whole life ahead of you. Fix this mistake and move on - it's the best thing for both of you.

[drifter777]

I understand what you're saying but I also stand by what I said. I'm just being honest!!! That's exactly how I felt at the time and what i thought! I agree that betraying ones spouse is not beautiful but the A did seem like a beautiful fantasy st the time.

 

This proclamation of yours disgusts me. I'm just being honest!

 

OP - if you stay together you will always wonder if your wife thinks of her affair as a "beautiful fantasy". And the worst part of this is that you will NEVER know the answer.

Edited March 4, 2017 by drifter777

[merrmeade]

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving forever.

Better think long and hard about what you want.

No kids young and only been married a short time.

You can waste years with no guarantee.

Only had sex once is normally a lie. I can't tell you how many times this is said.

A cheaters mantra is lie, hide, deny.

I wanted to start with this hardline quote because the key is to "think long and hard about what you want," but I'm going to end on another note.

 

The post dday interplay of your situation sounds like mine - to some extent. The main difference is age. If I were 15 years younger, I would not be here. Nor do I think my husband would have wanted or expected me to reconcile.

 

He's been like your wife sounds. All of it. The worst was what felt like audacity and selfishness because he could not communicate to me that he understood my feelings or cared. He would become discouraged by my need to talk about it. He couldn't stand to be reminded and seemed to be biding time before we could rug-sweep once and for all.

 

When they complain that you'll never get over it and they don't know if they can take any more is very demoralizing. The worst thing about this attitude is that it implies it's your fault that you're still 'dealing' with the affair. Give me a break.

 

On the other hand, I compare my husband with other waywards I read about here and realize that, though he was not the most communicative or empathic in reconciliation, he was also not the worst or most rigid. In fact, he's been pretty damn constant, flexible and supportive - in his way. And that, I think, is the key. While it's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, it's also probably the most important and worthwhile, if I can make it.

 

It's not over but I do believe that it's the ultimate test in marriage and in living. It can only work if each of us is constantly remembering how hard it is for the other and that we're each doing our best. That said, I think the fact that my husband has committed to trying to make it up to me the best way he can really is enough for me because he does do that - the best that he can.

 

And last, I'll just echo the importance of professional help, including taking an antidepressant. The therapy was 9 months for me and a lifesaver. The medicine also I hope will not be forever but totally okay as long as necessary.