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I am not sure of all the acronyms but here is my story:

I am a divorced man in a committed relationship and now engaged with a beautiful fiance. My ex-wife remains in the picture because we have a child together. My fiance and I recently moved in together. My daughter has always wanted to live with me but I have never been able to provide her with that because after I divorced her mother, I moved back into my mother's house.

In order to ensure my ex-wife did not give me any resistance as to having my daughter live with me, I did something that i regret dearly. I had text exchanges with my ex-wife to make her feel she was getting her way. The texts were not sexual in nature or anything of the sort but none the less they could be perceived as flirting.

It started off by me ignoring her but she would get upset and threaten to take me to court. Never stated what she would do or file or ask for in court but just take me to court. So being "nice" to her seemed to work. I also did not want her to get "crazy" and interfere with my new relationship.

For the record, I do not have a passcode on my phones, I do not lock them or anything.

My fiance found my phone one evening and saw some of these messages. She considers it cheating. In my heart, I know what I was doing and it certainly was not cheating. It has brought our relationship to a bad place. It has added a level of stress we did not need along with the normal "blended family" struggles we have.

 

My question to you all is, how, if at all, can I make her realize that this was not cheating and that I was doing it to protect our relationship?

 

Is this considered cheating?

 

Thoughts on guidance (ie counseling or therapy) would be greatly appreciated.

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somanymistakes

It's cheating in the sense that you didn't tell her what was going on, and you probably would have suspected, if you'd thought about it, that she wouldn't be pleased.

 

People's relationships work in different ways, so it's hard to get a universal definition of what cheating is. There are people in open marriages, even, who are allowed to have sex with others as long as they follow the rules their particular relationship has laid down, whatever those may be.

 

You are on the wrong foot here. You are trying to find people to justify your actions and 'make her realize' that you were right. But you aren't "right". At best, you weren't thinking about it and didn't realise it would hurt her since you weren't doing anything wrong that you knew of. At worst, you were intentionally hiding it because you did know it would hurt her.

 

You don't even say if you've apologised to her for the misunderstanding. That's really the first step. Apologise. If possible, offer to show her the rest of the texts for context, but don't insist if she doesn't want to read them. Talk to her about how you can formulate a strategy for dealing with your ex-wife together. Work as partners! If you're going to marry her, you have to be willing to give her your trust.

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I have not hidden my phone from her and she has had full access to it and has read all the messages.

 

I have apologized....but she says "You dont understand what you did...".

 

I appreciate your help, but if I am on the wrong foot, in which direction should I go?

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My priorities would be getting more time with my daughter over having a fiance. In fact that would be my only priority I think if I were in your shoes.

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My priorities would be getting more time with my daughter over having a fiance. In fact that would be my only priority I think if I were in your shoes.

 

Thank you. I did precisely that. She now lives with us which is why this whole fiasco started. It was to make sure my Ex-wife would not give me any resistance.

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Who knows what "cheating" is anymore...if you read long enough, saying hi to someone a spouse doesn't like is considered cheating.

 

Do I think it's cheating, no but it's understandable that your fiancé is going to freak out bc you've already had a sexual & personal relationship with your ex wife & at one time loved her.

 

You shouldn't have done it & if truly were only doing it for your child's benefit, than she should come around...but what doesn't make sense to me is how do you heya fiancé but aren't financially stable enough for your child? Seems a bit odd that you have the finances to start a new marriage but not enough to live in your own.

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Then you did the right thing. Folks who haven't had to fight tooth and nail to get time with their kids just don't understand. And ultimately fiance's are replaceable but daughters are not.

 

It doesn't mean I wouldn't sympathize with her hurt feelings. It just means that the end of the day if that's a deal-breaker for her so be it.

 

That's just my two cents.

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Who knows what "cheating" is anymore...if you read long enough, saying hi to someone a spouse doesn't like is considered cheating.

 

Do I think it's cheating, no but it's understandable that your fiancé is going to freak out bc you've already had a sexual & personal relationship with your ex wife & at one time loved her.

 

You shouldn't have done it & if truly were only doing it for your child's benefit, than she should come around...but what doesn't make sense to me is how do you heya fiancé but aren't financially stable enough for your child? Seems a bit odd that you have the finances to start a new marriage but not enough to live in your own.

 

My marriage put me in a financial bind. It took me some years to get back on my feet and I did. When I was able to, I just kept procrastinating.

 

So how can I potentially gain her trust back? She claims this is an issue?

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somanymistakes

What does she want you to do? Both about this, and about how to handle your ex in the future to ensure access to your child?

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My marriage put me in a financial bind. It took me some years to get back on my feet and I did. When I was able to, I just kept procrastinating.

 

So how can I potentially gain her trust back? She claims this is an issue?

 

All you can do, is sit down & have a real heart to heart...to put her worries at rest. Offer to show her all further communication with your ex...but I do have to ask, why she was going through your phone to begin with? Was it an accident & or was she purposely going through your phone?

 

If purposely going through your phone without your knowledge, that screams trust issues & is that what you want to get yourself & your daughter involved with?

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The reason she had my phone was we went out that evening. I have 3 cell phones and I left this one in her purse as I was wearing a suit and did not have room for it. We came home fell asleep and she woke up in the middle of the night to have a cigarette. She saw the phone with a text message from my ex wife and she proceeded to go through the rest of the messages.

 

I do share all communications with her now. It is in my past now.....just not in my fiancees.

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I will give you a phrase that you can use any time your exW contacts you that will keep you out of the doghouse with any current GF/SO, and that phrase is -

 

- "contact my lawyer."

 

That covers every form of legitimate business that your X may have and it will never be misinterpreted by your current SO and will never have any ambiguity as to whether your communications are too flirty or not.

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In order to ensure my ex-wife did not give me any resistance as to having my daughter live with me, I did something that i regret dearly. I had text exchanges with my ex-wife to make her feel she was getting her way. The texts were not sexual in nature or anything of the sort but none the less they could be perceived as flirting.
My question to you all is, how, if at all, can I make her realize that this was not cheating and that I was doing it to protect our relationship?
Is this considered cheating?
You do not get it. For whatever reason, the fact remains that you secretly flirted with an ex without telling your fiance. Not telling her was a lie by omission. Had you discussed it with her in the open, she would have worked with you in addressing this situation. Instead your action would be considered cheating. More importantly was the dishonesty involved. Studies show that the cheated on spouse learns to deal with the cheating faster than the dishonesty associated with cheating.
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The texts were not sexual in nature or anything of the sort but none the less they could be perceived as flirting.

 

Can you give an example of the type of text your fiancee objected to?

 

Saying "have a nice day" is one thing. Texting "you looked great" is quite another...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Darren Steez
Who knows what "cheating" is anymore...if you read long enough, saying hi to someone a spouse doesn't like is considered cheating.

 

Do I think it's cheating, no but it's understandable that your fiancé is going to freak out bc you've already had a sexual & personal relationship with your ex wife & at one time loved her.

You shouldn't have done it & if truly were only doing it for your child's benefit, than she should come around...but what doesn't make sense to me is how do you heya fiancé but aren't financially stable enough for your child? Seems a bit odd that you have the finances to start a new marriage but not enough to live in your own.

 

This is very important.

 

It doesn't matter whether you leave your phone out and she could read the messages, it's the fact you didn't talk to her and even if that was the case, it's kind of an underhanded move to sweeten up your ex for privileges if that's what it takes then how far does it go..do you get that from your fiance's angle?

 

Your ex will always be in your life, she's competition whether you profess 100% commitment these texts and your behaviour sort of prove how delicate a situation this is if you're not 100% transparent (and transparency is not leaving your phone out..it's talking to her)

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El S....nice handle btw.....could it be that your fiancé is showing this disdain, not because of the texts but because she actually didn't want your daughter to live with you two? She may not know it or may not want to admit it but a woman having their SO come live with them is a big step and commitment....may not be exactly what she envisioned when she accepted your proposal.

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First things first...

 

Dude, you are scared of your Ex wife. Do you realize that?

 

First off, if you have done nothing wrong in regards to raising your child, you have no reason to be afraid of her for any reason.

 

Let her take you to court, call her bluff, she has nothing to take you to court about in the first place. You are letting a woman that you divorced control you by idle threats.

 

That needs to stop.

 

As far as you F is concerned. You need to humble yourself to her and you need to stop texting your Ex.

 

Yes it is a form of cheating no matter what your intentions were.

 

Knock it off...

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Jersey born raised

You started by saying you don't understand. Fair enough. Finish by explaining the why you did in detail to her in full detail. Especially what your impend goal is. Then ask her how she would have wanted you to handle it, and how she feels you should handle it in th pe future. Do not interupt! After she finishes, repeat what she said, allow her to correct and clarify you.

 

Expand the conversation to include "what if" events in the future that may occur. The goal is for the two of you to build a common mind set. One side issue to be examined is contact with any ex's, not just wife and co-walkers.

 

"Not Just Friends" is a helpful book and may gave a free download so google it.

 

You already do the single most important thing: no passwords. Use her concerns to build on it.

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