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Married for 11 years and husband going to erotic massages


Sammy20

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I've been married for 10 years, have a new baby and I know my husband is involved with erotic massage parlours and maybe something else. I know he watched porn all along but I always found it weird that when I walked in the room he would close his browser so that has annoyed me and raised a red flag for a while. It has been more than just pornography as I found out he was looking at erotic massage ads on his cell phone the day before our son was born - talk about timing. So now I know that all along the reason he closed his browser was not because he had "just" porn on.

 

When I asked if he had gone to the massage places he denied, then I continued confronting him so he said he went to 1 place, then a few places...and he focus on saying that the pretty girls he was looking for were not even there, that these things area a scam...but he misses the point that the problem is his intentions. He also said he goes there just to get a massage - that nothing extra happens. He has several narcissistic traits so therefore he is always right, has no problems and life is good. He always had weed days as his days off and although I have begged him to change so we can enjoy days off together, he never came through with it, never made hard attempts to request that change - now things are making sense because he must enjoy having another life outside his wife and baby. He likes to gamble too so a lot of his free time goes to these things and hardly any to me for the majority of these 11 years and now with baby is the same. He is very disconnected emotionally.

 

I would like to learn the depth of this issue - it sounds like I am dealing with a sex addict. How can I find a way to monitor his cellphone so I can gather information without him knowing it?

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Sorry you are having to deal with sleazy behavior from your husband who can't see anything wrong with it.

 

I mean, you know he's pursuing it. There are ways he can do it without you ever knowing by using someone else's PC or a work one or locking you out of his phone. You need to let him know you are NOT tolerant of this sleazy behavior and see if he'll talk to you about it, but if you are not prepared to back it up by divorcing then it doesn't have much teeth.

 

If you do have to divorce and it turns ugly, you can obtain his text records legally, but in most states cheating is not even a factor in the divorce settlement. maybe you ask him, "Do we need to see a marriage counselor." As you said, HE is perfectly happy.

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He just needs to be honest with you about his sexual desires. I'm beginning to understand that with my situation. If my wife was needing more exciting sex she should have told me instead of looking for it outside the marriage.

 

If you want to work it out and are ok being more adventurous sexually, then talk to him. Don't shame him about it, just ask him what he wants and see if that is something you are ok with. For example if you are ok with watching porn, offer to watch it with him. Make it something he doesn't have to hide, that he can be open with you. If he is extremely perverted with his sexual desires then you can leave him, otherwise if you stay he will continue seeking to satisfy his urges.

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Why do you need to snoop further?

 

You already know he:

 

spends tons of time searching to cheat

Lies right to your face

Is narcissistic

 

What's the point when there's really no trust or respect in this marriage?

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He just needs to be honest with you about his sexual desires. I'm beginning to understand that with my situation. If my wife was needing more exciting sex she should have told me instead of looking for it outside the marriage.

 

If you want to work it out and are ok being more adventurous sexually, then talk to him. Don't shame him about it, just ask him what he wants and see if that is something you are ok with. For example if you are ok with watching porn, offer to watch it with him. Make it something he doesn't have to hide, that he can be open with you. If he is extremely perverted with his sexual desires then you can leave him, otherwise if you stay he will continue seeking to satisfy his urges.

 

Ummm, you missed the point... there's no respect or honesty coming from the cheating spouse. So there's nothing to work with.

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A little more info:

 

We are going to marriage counseling, he denies things, says he doesn't have time because our days off are not the same (note he is fine with that even though I have begged for so many years).

 

I love good communication but unfortunately he chose to take care of his business on his own rather than talking to me...I think the pornography and now erotic massages indicate an addiction and I am no match or want to adventure with someone who has a problem, not just a wish.

 

This is the reason I want more info on what he is doing to see how bad this is and say, if he is also getting into drugs too. Addictive personality can be going into all directions - I need to know. I have a baby now with him and from what I have seen I would not want a chance he can get custody of the baby. So I need as much concrete information as possible.

 

Thanks for all the posts so far.

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Ummm, you missed the point... there's no respect or honesty coming from the cheating spouse. So there's nothing to work with.

 

Correction: The cheating, narcissistic, absent spouse with a porn and gambling addiction who is an expert in gaslighting and is always right...

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I don't know about drugs...that's why I need to find out. If this is heading into a divorce, I need concrete information for why I don't think he is a good role model or that can make good decisions for our son.

 

He may try to share custody with me but if it's up to me, he will be able to visit only - no shared custody.

 

Does anyone know of a good way to track his cell phone activities? I have access to his phone easily so I can install whatever is it that works for what I need.

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I wouldn't worry too much about tracking his cell phone, you have more enough information to make the decision to leave this guy...

 

The thing is, it's not up to you. Talk to a lawyer. They will advise you of the law and how to best get custody of your son. That's how you should be spending your time and energy right now.

Edited by BaileyB
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if i were you, i would point out that I could give all the erotic massages he wanted FOR FREE. Unless you are hesitant about satisfying him and he is going there out of desperation.

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if i were you, i would point out that I could give all the erotic massages he wanted FOR FREE. Unless you are hesitant about satisfying him and he is going there out of desperation.

 

Who would want to satisfy a man who lies, has a gambling problem and seeks out porn, erotic massages, and probably more... Seriously, this guy should be out the door... free to get as many erotic massages as he can afford. ;)

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He just needs to be honest with you about his sexual desires. I'm beginning to understand that with my situation. If my wife was needing more exciting sex she should have told me instead of looking for it outside the marriage.

 

If you want to work it out and are ok being more adventurous sexually, then talk to him. Don't shame him about it, just ask him what he wants and see if that is something you are ok with. For example if you are ok with watching porn, offer to watch it with him. Make it something he doesn't have to hide, that he can be open with you. If he is extremely perverted with his sexual desires then you can leave him, otherwise if you stay he will continue seeking to satisfy his urges.

 

This is nonsense. Men don't just cheat because their wife is crap in bed! Men cheat for a bunch of validation usually.

 

OP, don't EVER reward a sleazy cheater by ramping it up in bed and trying to give him porn sex! You don't reward terrible behavior and it's not YOUR fault he cheated at all.

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I've been married for 10 years, have a new baby and I know my husband is involved with erotic massage parlours and maybe something else. I know he watched porn all along but I always found it weird that when I walked in the room he would close his browser so that has annoyed me and raised a red flag for a while. It has been more than just pornography as I found out he was looking at erotic massage ads on his cell phone the day before our son was born - talk about timing. So now I know that all along the reason he closed his browser was not because he had "just" porn on.

 

When I asked if he had gone to the massage places he denied, then I continued confronting him so he said he went to 1 place, then a few places...and he focus on saying that the pretty girls he was looking for were not even there, that these things area a scam...but he misses the point that the problem is his intentions. He also said he goes there just to get a massage - that nothing extra happens. He has several narcissistic traits so therefore he is always right, has no problems and life is good. He always had weed days as his days off and although I have begged him to change so we can enjoy days off together, he never came through with it, never made hard attempts to request that change - now things are making sense because he must enjoy having another life outside his wife and baby. He likes to gamble too so a lot of his free time goes to these things and hardly any to me for the majority of these 11 years and now with baby is the same. He is very disconnected emotionally.

 

I would like to learn the depth of this issue - it sounds like I am dealing with a sex addict. How can I find a way to monitor his cellphone so I can gather information without him knowing it?

 

I'd put massage parlors way down the list of his faults and foibles. And phone monitoring down your list of needs.

 

Why would you stay with a lying, porn prioritizing, narcissistic, drug using, gambling and disconnected husband? This won't get better...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Thanks everyone. This is such a sad situation for me. All I wanted was a partner who wants to spend time with me (is family oriented) and now with his baby too - not with himself and much less with addictions. I guess that's part of the narcissistic personality, very selfish. Instead he matured over the last 11 years into an emotionally unavailable person, disconnected, more addictive behavior, his needs and wants (I can follow him to live his life, that's what he would like - well, I have been living his life all along and/or spend a lot of time on my own since we never had weekend days off together) but he can care less to have a conversation with me, learn about my passions, my wants and actually even do something that I like with me.

 

As far as conversations go, each time I tried to talk about the things that are not working out, it ends up with him screaming at me - anger.

 

I would hate to see what he will be like when he is at the "old grumpy man" age but hey, I hope I can get out of this quickly and recover well so that I can watch for red flags in a future relationship should there even be one. My concentration will be on myself, recover from this one and taking care of a baby - hands will be full for sure.

 

Next step is indeed a chat with an attorney.

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ShatteredLady

It's my understanding that she needs to gather as much information as she can to protect her child in the future!

 

Who wants shared custody with a man who's going to get stoned on his 'days off' when he's supposed to be taking care of a baby & later a TODDLER! If he's drugged-up & not alert the poor child could suffer permanent scars & injuries or WORSE!

 

He's a gambler - She's always going to be poor.

He's a druggy - The child is going to be in danger.

He's a sex addict - She's at risk for STI & infidelity.

He's Narcissistic- MISERY!!

 

She doesn't seem to be questioning divorce. She needs it for her & her child's wellbeing. Now it's about the best way to collect accurate information to assure the correct custody/visitation.

 

I'm not knowledgeable of the various programs you use. I hope someone offers help.

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I don't know about drugs...that's why I need to find out. If this is heading into a divorce, I need concrete information for why I don't think he is a good role model or that can make good decisions for our son.

 

He may try to share custody with me but if it's up to me, he will be able to visit only - no shared custody.

 

Does anyone know of a good way to track his cell phone activities? I have access to his phone easily so I can install whatever is it that works for what I need.

 

Getting a "happy ending" isn't ok while married & you have every right to want a divorce but don't drag your son into your personal hurt...a crappy husband doesn't mean a crappy father.

 

I understand being upset but one should never make a finale decision with emotion, only with logic.

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Voice activated recorder.

GPS in the car.

There's an app you can install that will email you all deleted text convos. Can't remember what it is but ppl on here have used it lots.

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Voice activated recorder.

GPS in the car.

There's an app you can install that will email you all deleted text convos. Can't remember what it is but ppl on here have used it lots.

 

Exactly... I know someone out there has done this and can share details of realiable apps - the last thing I would want is create more problems such as an app that copies his credit card info, for example.

 

Can you share a little more about the voice activated recorder and GPS in the car? I am new to this and have no idea how to use these things or what exactly I am looking at.

 

Thanks so much!

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Getting a "happy ending" isn't ok while married & you have every right to want a divorce but don't drag your son into your personal hurt...a crappy husband doesn't mean a crappy father.

 

I understand being upset but one should never make a finale decision with emotion, only with logic.

 

I agree with you... plus being a bad husband won't help me in court for child custody - I understand that and would not want to take away from a child-father relationship, if it existed. My actual concern is for my baby to be obligated by law to spend time with his father who is not a good role model and engages in addictions. Not to mention but I believe he will spin out of control without me being here because I keep his bad behaviors in check and alone he will fall into a dark place.

 

So far I don't see a good father. He is disengaged with him as he is with me. We need to understand that one has so much energy to spend in a day, right? So, if one spends several hours a day thinking and/or pursuing crap and addictions, how much time is left for family? And would I want help from him to make important decisions for the baby? Probably not. Would I let father-baby to bond still, absolutely, as long as the father can keep himself together and be a good, present father.

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It's my understanding that she needs to gather as much information as she can to protect her child in the future!

 

Who wants shared custody with a man who's going to get stoned on his 'days off' when he's supposed to be taking care of a baby & later a TODDLER! If he's drugged-up & not alert the poor child could suffer permanent scars & injuries or WORSE!

 

He's a gambler - She's always going to be poor.

He's a druggy - The child is going to be in danger.

He's a sex addict - She's at risk for STI & infidelity.

He's Narcissistic- MISERY!!

 

She doesn't seem to be questioning divorce. She needs it for her & her child's wellbeing. Now it's about the best way to collect accurate information to assure the correct custody/visitation.

 

I'm not knowledgeable of the various programs you use. I hope someone offers help.

 

 

Exactly!!! You got the spirit of what I am looking for.

He is very immature and has daddy resolve his issues for him 90% of the time still to date! So that frees up even more time for him to pursue all of the above and be a lost soul because since things have been handed to him, he doesn't see value in the simple things in life like family - he needs more exciting things like addictive ones. Would I share custody with someone involved with further addictions? Maybe not. Not the best interest of the child. I just don't know to what extend and to what addictions we are talking about and he said she said won't work.

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I agree with you... plus being a bad husband won't help me in court for child custody - I understand that and would not want to take away from a child-father relationship, if it existed. My actual concern is for my baby to be obligated by law to spend time with his father who is not a good role model and engages in addictions. Not to mention but I believe he will spin out of control without me being here because I keep his bad behaviors in check and alone he will fall into a dark place.

 

So far I don't see a good father. He is disengaged with him as he is with me. We need to understand that one has so much energy to spend in a day, right? So, if one spends several hours a day thinking and/or pursuing crap and addictions, how much time is left for family? And would I want help from him to make important decisions for the baby? Probably not. Would I let father-baby to bond still, absolutely, as long as the father can keep himself together and be a good, present father.

 

Is he a addict?

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Is he a addict?

 

I think so, on top of being narcissistic. He watches porn all along the 11 years and gambles..live and online. Then from the porn on screens took the next step to go the get erotic massages and who know how many times he's done that and what exactly he's getting done...but that shows the addiction, the wanting more of something.

 

He has also tried drugs "in the past" - at least that's what he said before we got married. Then as soon as we got married and moved to our house I caught him smoking weed...and it has continued... he also likes his alcohol, several times throughout our relationship we had issues with him having had too much. 5 years ago he started drining wine and he drinks it every day - at least 3 glasses if not the whole bottle.

 

Spends most evening watching the programs he places bets on...so instead of trying to engage with me he is watching the things HE wants to watch on TV and also monitoring which bets have come through and which ones are losses.

 

Like I said, I don't know the depth of each addiction but you see the pattern of someone with an addictive personality and the lack of wanting to engage with his wife or baby. So, I am not sure why I need to be around... but he sure wants to keep me as one of the toys in his toy box.

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If he is the father, here are the "don't do's" in a child custody for both you and he. Ignore this if not.

Don't talk bad about him to your children or anyone related to him or them. Judges see it all the time and HATE parents involving the kids and telling them mature things and bad things about the other parent. They will skewer you for it every time.

 

At least until child custody is firmly established, don't bring guys home. Some judges feel that is endangering and confusing to the child. Tell them you'd only bring someone home to meet the kids that you felt you were going to commit to.

 

Look up the law in your state to see how far away from the father you are allowed to move. And don't try to change that. Be cooperative.

 

I advise making him take joint custody so you too can have a life and he can see what it's like taking care of kids. Just know that as soon as he knows you're dating (which is one reason why not to during all this) he will complicate the proceedings by trying to control you by asking for sole or joint custody. I see these cases and men are always doing that.

 

Think of anything he may have on you, alcohol, drugs, etc. and deal with it ahead of time and without his knowledge. Like if he can say you were or are an unstable alcoholic (or mentally unstable or anything) or a prescription drug addict or pot head or anything past or present, go now and get in AA or NA or a short rehab stint or seeing a therapist just so you can say you have done so.

 

Be sure you are working. Kid or no, it just doesn't look great financially if you have shown no ability or desire to support you and your kid.

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You have used the word "addict" in pretty much every post.

 

When you say someone is a sex addict, you are basically trying to legitimize their behavior by making it into some kind of disease for which they have no control.

 

This is a fallacy.

 

This is not a "condition." This is bad behavior and bad character. He is choosing to not be involved with his family to pursue prostitutes and to use the family funds to gamble and pay hookers.

 

This is not a medical condition for which he has no control. This is bad behavior and indicative of bad character. He does this because he wants to and because he is selfish and cares more about getting his rocks off with sex workers than spending time with and taking care of his family.

 

By tolerating it and passing it off as an "addiction" you are enabling it.

 

He is likely too far gone to ever be a decent, involved and productive husband and father.

 

You will not be able to change him as one person cannot change another. You will only be able to govern your own actions and determine your own future.

 

Your options are suck it up and live with it and continue to enable and be codependent and live with an uninvolved partner that doesn't provide any support, companionship or love and who squanders away family funds on gambling debt and sex workers.

 

Or leave.

 

Either way, my advice is to consult a lawyer and arm yourself with information and facts on your legal and financial rights and responsibilities and find out what you can do to protect your and your child's welfare and best interests.

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