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Why would ow reach out now?


Midwestmissy

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3 years after a 6 month pa, the ow emailed my husband. I'm not expecting my curiosity to ever be satisfied, but why reach out after all this time? He has no desire to respond, he's very embarrassed by the whole mess, and he wasn't well regarded after it all exploded.

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More info...how did she touch base? What was said?

 

Sorry, didn't see "email"...but still what did she say. Gives a clearer picture

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Just said hello, mentioned his upcoming birthday, hope you're well, very benign.

 

Sounds like she was thinking about him & wrote him bc she's fishing to see if he'll contact her back.

 

Remember, as much as BS love to say an A wasn't "real"... the feelings many at the time, were. You're H may have screwed up & after DDay probably told you "just sex, didn't mean anything" & that may be true but during the A I'm sure he acted all about her...& most women don't continue to have sex with someone they don't care about & most men are going to give out the emotional to the OW to continue to be able to have sex with them.

 

So get feelings haven't gone away & if she isn't happy in her marriage, why not give it another try, just in case.

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I thought fishing too. Wondering if she's still married. I don't reach out to people unless I'm hoping for a response.

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I never got the impression she was more into it than he was. It seemed more transactional than affectionate, on both sides. She wrote a lot of emails. It was almost like she wanted a promotion or a share of the company. And he fired her and it was not a nice endiNg. She was furious.

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I never got the impression she was more into it than he was. It seemed more transactional than affectionate, on both sides. She wrote a lot of emails. It was almost like she wanted a promotion or a share of the company. And he fired her and it was not a nice endiNg. She was furious.

 

The anger has evidently worn off & maybe (& I know you may not want to hear it & not saying it's right) she misses the friendship aspect of the relationship & was fishing just bc...but her remembering his birthday & thinking about him sounds like she did care about him, in what exact way, no one can say.

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Remember, as much as BS love to say an A wasn't "real"... the feelings many at the time, were. You're H may have screwed up & after DDay probably told you "just sex, didn't mean anything" & that may be true but during the A I'm sure he acted all about her...& most women don't continue to have sex with someone they don't care about & most men are going to give out the emotional to the OW to continue to be able to have sex with them.

 

So get feelings haven't gone away & if she isn't happy in her marriage, why not give it another try, just in case.

 

I think this is what I don't understand about the exAP reaching out after the A is over. I can understand that the feelings were real or at least felt real but people break up all the time. I didn't call, email or text my ex-boyfriends after we broke up. I don't think most people do that after they break up. This appears to occur much more with exAP then in regular relationships.

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Ive rarely reached out to past partners, especially the ugly-endings ones. I'd feel desperate and pathetic, more so if I was told to never contact again. The ones I have fond feelings about, I figure they've moved on and any contact would be disruptive.

 

Boundaries were crossed in order for the affair to occur, maybe poor boundaries are still her thing.

 

The ow wasn't "seeing" my wh over his birthday, so it wouldn't be any sort of anniversary of a fun time.

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I always think of xMM on his birthday.

 

I resist the tempation to contact him. She couldn't

 

He might be feeling embarassed about it, but it means something to her and she screwed up.

 

He doesn't have to repsond. Just be glad that you know.

Poppy.

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I never got the impression she was more into it than he was. It seemed more transactional than affectionate, on both sides. She wrote a lot of emails. It was almost like she wanted a promotion or a share of the company. And he fired her and it was not a nice endiNg. She was furious.

 

yet she still thinks of him and remembers his birthday?

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yet she still thinks of him and remembers his birthday?

 

That's just it - it's been 3 years with no contact. Initially, any contact was either a sexual proposition or something angry. My first thoughts were she's unemployed or her marriage ended.

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I think this is what I don't understand about the exAP reaching out after the A is over. I can understand that the feelings were real or at least felt real but people break up all the time. I didn't call, email or text my ex-boyfriends after we broke up. I don't think most people do that after they break up. This appears to occur much more with exAP then in regular relationships.

 

It's extremely normal for ex's to call each other or hook up...like really normal.

 

It's most times easier to hook up with an ex vs a new person...I married young but I watched all my cousin's, friends hook up & or go back forth worth their ex's.

 

AP relationships are worse bc there was no natural ending. It's a forced ending in many instances. Most likely had there been no DDay it would have still continued. It's the reason when I read a BS about how their WS says feels terrible & they never really were into AP, then why didn't the A stop in it on....an A not stopped on it's own & or AP doesn't turn "crazy", will usually always be wondered about bc had the DDay not happened, then would the A progressed? It's a "always wonder" type of situation...always wondering makes someone think & thinking turns into reaching out to the person that is being thought about.

 

So it's actually "normal" especially A

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She screwed up! I could have done that, could have been me months down the line. But I resisted. But I get it. Try and see that's what it is. your husband was honest with you and told you so I guess you have nothing to worry about

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Lady Hamilton

After 3 years, she's fishing. Maybe she is feeling out the potential for a rekindled affair or, more likely, she's on a quest for closure. I suspect she was hoping to find his life in shambles and him a misery.

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DDay didn't end the relationship. It was over before I found out. She and her spouse were working on their marriage - their dday had happened and I didn't know. It ended so they could focus on their marriages and wh thought he was going to have a breakdown or heart attack due to the stress. It all exploded later.

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AP relationships are worse bc there was no natural ending. It's a forced ending in many instances. Most likely had there been no DDay it would have still continued. It's the reason when I read a BS about how their WS says feels terrible & they never really were into AP, then why didn't the A stop in it on....an A not stopped on it's own & or AP doesn't turn "crazy", will usually always be wondered about bc had the DDay not happened, then would the A progressed? It's a "always wonder" type of situation...always wondering makes someone think & thinking turns into reaching out to the person that is being thought about.

 

So it's actually "normal" especially A

 

I also think that affairs often exist in an older demographic. So that the options available are often reduced or viewed as "undesirable".

 

So it is often easier to want to reconnect with someone who is an ex, someone who is a known desirable.

The OW is probably bored and wants to recreate the energy she no doubt felt in the midst of the affair. She wants that love again, that excitement, that ego boost.

She is saying "You know I am still here, I'm still interested..."

Now the ball is in your husband's court.

YOU can say he is very embarrassed by the affair and he won't respond, but you are not actually in HIS head, he can tell you anything.

Who really knows what he will do here?

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DDay didn't end the relationship. It was over before I found out. She and her spouse were working on their marriage - their dday had happened and I didn't know. It ended so they could focus on their marriages and wh thought he was going to have a breakdown or heart attack due to the stress. It all exploded later.

 

But a d-day did end the relationship, just not your one.

Had her husband not found out then it could perhaps be still ongoing, is that correct or at least ongoing until you found out about it?

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DDay didn't end the relationship. It was over before I found out. She and her spouse were working on their marriage - their dday had happened and I didn't know. It ended so they could focus on their marriages and wh thought he was going to have a breakdown or heart attack due to the stress. It all exploded later.

 

Her H counts as a dday...of course your H was scared, her H knew & most men that have A are cowards when the boat starts sinking.

 

Though it wasn't you, there was still a dday, which makes it a unnatural ending. A are a type of relationship & when the people in any relationship aren't the sole reason for ending it, it always seem like there could be the door cracked open.

 

That's why A are hard...I didn't see my EX OM in 7 years & when I saw him, it was like no time had passed. Though after 5 mins I knew to get out of there & then he approached me several months later, while with my oldest...we hadn't spoken or had seen each other in 7 years, he's now married, with kids & still tried to fish & he fully knows all the risk bc he dealt with my dday back then.

 

If an ex AP is unhappy in their life (for whatever reason) their mind usually wonders back to a time or person that they remember as happy.

 

Not saying it's right nor that your H is feeling that way, just trying to give the perspective of the ex AP.

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My WS's AP kept reaching out to my WS, long after the A was over. It was very infrequent and unpredictable. I doubt we've heard the last from xAP even though it has been over for 4+ years. I've heard of xAP reaching out much longer than that.

 

 

I heard it described as "lever pulling." Like a lab rat that gets a morsel of food when it pulls a lever, but not every time. So it keeps coming back. Trying again and again. Its not like a slot machine that you have to prime with a coin just to pull the lever. This lever your H's xAP can pull for free, as often as she wants. No cost. So why not give it a pull once in a while. Hey, you can't win if you aren't in the game, right?

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somanymistakes

Also affairs often set up an off-and-on pattern during the time when they're active... one partner gets a temporary attack of guilt, or their spouse is suspicious, or they're worried that the AP is getting too attached, so they pull back. And then after a bit of cooldown time when they think the coast is clear, they come back in.

 

If you've grown accustomed to this back-and-forth it's much harder to ever believe that it's really over for good.

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Her h did nothing. My wh ended the relationship, her h found out afterwards and did nothing. He shrugged. She continued to work there etc. they are both op and serial cheaters. But she was the breadwinner and he was according to her a pot smoking boring musician. But he wasn't so bad she didn't leave 4 kids in his care all the time.

 

She was fired a year after the affair ended, well after my dday. She was propositioning him, he'd send me the emails, I'd forward them to her bh. So it wasn't a door slamming, it was a 12 month skid mark.

 

I can't speak for any ow, but this one seems to believe that being sexually desired equals importance and validity. She had a bad rep in their industry and was known for using crass sex talk with clients. I know men like that - it distracts from their insecurities and even lack of work skills. Needy or desperate maybe? Most of the actors in this stupid drama are 50+. I'm the youngest.

 

Having read on here, I get and understand the perspective of a lot of ow who express it well. The ones who regret and the ones who don't. I think this one just wanted a 'win'. We were having a horrible time during the affair and I had him leave. He had a place of his own and never told her. She had no idea I'd kicked him out. I think it was a huge ego blow because he didn't run to her, and she acted like she had the upper hand in my marriage. But again, we are adults, there are a ton of kids involved, businesses, illnesses, life - and after all this time, I'm just surprised. I guess she's circling back for more escape? Some people need drama and noise to distract from dealing with the adult stuff.

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