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Shall I still confess when husband doesn't know ?


confusingme

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6 months ago, I had an affair, it was for 2 months.

 

I have been reading as many books about marriage, self-esteem, emotional health, etc. as I could.

 

Finally, after 6 months, I truly realized what I have done, and how I have hurt my husband, even though he never knows.

 

Me and the other man I was involved had cut contacts completely since 4 months ago when his wife found out.

 

I admit that I had gone through a "grieving" period of time, which all I could think about was the other man.

 

I also admit that I wanted to get back together with the other man, only if not his wife had known everything - he wouldn't come back to me - I didn't want his wife to tell my husband.

 

So I chose to heal it on my own.

 

At the beginning, I wrote email to a fake email account pretending I was writing to him, I was hoping one day I could meet him again and I could show him how much I was thinking about him.

 

Later, I started talking to a friend of mine - who - actually, revealed the affair to his wife - for the sake of me - she did it so right - even though at that time I hated her.

 

The more I talked to her, the more distraction I got, and I started thinking of going back to my life before this other man.

 

And then my school started. And I got to know more real friends, who study together, laugh together, eat together, walk together, shopping together, which fulfill my real life. Not like the experience that I had with the other man - all fantasy - nothing was real.

 

Anyway, while I started getting back to my life. The other man has been fading away - and of course I had deleted all the stupid emails I had written to "him".

 

These emails were stupid, however, I felt so hurtful while I was reading them before I pressed the "delete forever" button.

 

I got so angry, I hated him.

 

That hate in my heart kept growing stronger and stronger, until I wanted to revenge him. It scared myself. I was so helpless so I decided to read books.

 

I found a lot of good books about self-esteem, confident, independence,forgiveness,and more.

 

I appreciate these books, they have helped me to reviewed what all I had done, and came to realized that I, myself, was the only person who had hurt me. It was my own choice of reactions to cause the pain - the aftermath - the unbearable grieve.

 

I finally got peace of mind and could finally understand what the meaning of life is. I have never been so free.

 

But somehow deep in my heart, the guilty is killing me. As I was trying very hard to rekindle with my husband (using tips from the marriage book I read), my marriage has never been better. However, whenever I look into my husband's eyes, I immediately remember the affair I had. The sex I had with the other man. I feel like I'm not good enough for my husband.

 

Lately at some point, I started feeling like telling him everything. I feel like I have mostly healed myself, I want myself to be an honorable, mature wife and mother, and that requires honesty, loyalty.

 

BUT, the fear of the aftermath is so uncertain thus so scary...

 

I do not have the courage to tell my husband.

I was thinking of telling him part of the past, something like "I was talking to some male while we had problems in our marriage" "But never got to sexual connection", but then I realized by telling him this kind of story is a lie, so I might as well just keep it as a secret...

 

I want to be very honest, I really do want to let it out of my chest by telling him, the affair is about him, because I'm his wife. He deserves to know what his wife has inside.

 

But on the other hand, I'm so afraid. I don't want to be thrown out of the family, especially when I just rekindled. I cherish these days so much. I want our marriage and family to be happy just like these days forever.

 

Plus, will it actually hurt him by knowing about my affair, than never knowing ?

 

Please help me.

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If you don't tell, you'll always be looking over your shoulder. exMM's wife knows about the affair, I'm surprised she didn't go digging and find out more about you and tell your husband of the affair you had with her husband. A friend of yours told his wife about the A but not your husband? That friend could tell him at any moment so it's best he hears it from you.

 

Confessing will give you peace and also allow your husband to decide if he wants to fix things with you and give you a second chance to regain his trust.

 

You chose to cheat on him, putting your marriage at risk so the rest is just consequences of your own actions. If you don't tell you'll feel guilty and never fully connect with him or feel at peace.

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You know you should tell him. Will it suck? Oh yeah. Will he react poorly? No one reacts well. Will it cost you your marriage? The marriage you had is already gone. You know it and I know it. Time to tell hubby. Then maybe a new marriage.

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Would you still be in the relationship with the OM if his wife didn't find out? Asking Because, when your husband finds out (trust me he will) he'll see himself as a plan B.

 

When I found out about my ExW affair, I knew she came back to me for the security. I didn't all of sudden became more attractive.

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If you want a real marriage, you need to confess. Your H has a right to decide if he wants to remain married to you.

 

One additional piece of advice: if you confess, DO NOT show him your OW threads here on this site. They're horrible....while in time he may be able to get over your A, seeing those intimate thoughts of yours would be even harder to get over, if not impossible.

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todreaminblue

you have to own up.......your marriage at the moment even though its all good to you....is not good.....because it is now grounded in deceit......have you ever heard of a title called...something wicked this way comes......that is what is coming for you.....

 

 

you need honesty to make sure your marriage can be possibly good in the future.....dont you ever believe for one second your husband wont find out....because he will i can guarantee it.....this is a huge lie and it has the capacity to be a monstrous snowball of lies....come clean tell him the truth....if you have remorse let him feel that remorse you have...i actually dont think you are remorseful..i just feel you dont want to come clean now that your affair is over and chance losing your husband as well.....

 

 

you really arent rational if you think your marriage is all good just because you husband hasnt found out yet...it isnt good at all...not for him....and not for you.....be honest and let your husband decide if he can handle what you have done adn if he could ever trust you again....it will be hard....but the right thing for you to do is be honest with him....to SAVE your failing marriage.....

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Affair secrets have a strange way of resurfacing and most of the time it's the one that was cheating and that happens when you get caught up in a lie and can't explain it away.

 

I realize that you want your marriage to work but lying and keeping this a secret isn't doing anything for your marriage except prolonging the secret and with that then you still don't have an honest relationship.

 

It wont be easy telling him but if you want any chance in saving it, you need to be up front and honest. Once he knows then it will be his choice if he wants to remain married to you but your the one that had the affair and he should be at least given the choice. I wish you luck.

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A secret this big is a marriage killer. When the other wife gets angry enough she will tell your husband, not necessarily for revenge but because he deserves the right to decide his own path. Your infidelity broke the contract that you and your husband vowed to each other, he has the right to decide for himself if staying or leaving is best for him. You took his choices away from him when you betrayed him, don't do it again by keeping the secret from him. As long as you your affair partner and now his wife keep it from him your affair lives.

 

Should the other betrayed spouse seek help on a infidelity site, the first thing we tell them to do is tell the betrayed husband. If your husband hears about your betrayal from someone other then you your chances of surviving this married are very low to none. Your best chance is to tell him the truth yourself. Aren't you tired of lying and betraying the guy you married? Get tested for all STD's, he will need to see proof you are safe or he will never touch you again. Give him proof that you are not pregnant at the same time, we all know that cheaters lie about using protection. Get independent counselling, find out why you allowed yourself to do this to him.

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But somehow deep in my heart, the guilty is killing me. As I was trying very hard to rekindle with my husband (using tips from the marriage book I read), my marriage has never been better. However, whenever I look into my husband's eyes, I immediately remember the affair I had. The sex I had with the other man. I feel like I'm not good enough for my husband.

 

Funny how that works, isn't it? Looks like you got off scot free - NC with the OM, his W hasn't said anything, H doesn't know, you're back into your life.

 

So why do you think you feel this way? Most of us here have our own theory but it would be interesting to hear it from you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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How was your relationship with your husband through all of this?

Where you distant?

Not really fully engaged in the moment or the conversation when you were with him?

Do you find yourself rejecting moments of intimacy and close physical contact out of guilt?

Did you reject physical intimacy with your husband when you were being intimate with the other man?

Did you fight a lot when you were having the affair?

Do you think your husband blames himself for the relationship problems when you were having the affair?

Do you think he had a clue anything was wrong with the relationship during your affair?

When you were mourning the end of the affair, how was your relationship with your husband?

If you traded places with your husband, if he had been the one who had the affair, and after 4 or 5 months of being distant, remote, moody, angry, depressed...would you want to know why? If he asked you what was wrong over this time, did you lie to him? Did you blame him for any of it?

How much of the issues in the marriage do you think he is blaming himself over? Or, do you think you husband has been totally out of it? Maybe he never even noticed anything was wrong with the relationship over this time period.

I wonder how much guilt he has loaded himself down with about all of this?

Maybe your husband has already figured it out.

I wonder if he is waiting to see if you will be honest with him.

Maybe your husband thinks you have major issues with depression.

After all of the emotional changes in the last 6 months, he might even begin to think that you might be bipolar.

I wonder if he thinks you are an emotionally fragile person.

If he thinks you are emotionally unstable, he probable will avoid opening up to you about his problems in the future.

Even though you are no longer having major issues, it is possible that your husband has learned to not lean on you for his own emotional needs.

Since all of this did not happen in a vacuum. Your husband probable has learned to cope with life's issues based on false reasons. I am sure he has assumed all sorts of reasons why things were the way they were.

He will probable base all of his future interactions with you from what ever assumptions he made.

If your husband ever does find out about this affair, your entire relationship from the time the affair started to when he discovers the truth about this relationship and your affair, will be considered to be a fraud and a lie. The good memories that you are currently creating will not be cherished good memories. All of these memories will get tarnished and stained.

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Hi Confusing, why not address deadsoul on this very forum about your dilemma. She is someone, who like you, had an affair and then confessed to her husband three months after her affair ended. Read her thread. I think you will find it helpful. All I can say is that you cannot live a lifetime with your husband carrying around a secret this big and shameful within yourself. As long as you do so your marriage will be a complete lie and God forbid if your husband were to discover your infidelity in time to come, especially years down the line. Not only will he be devastated, if ever there was a chance that he would reconcile with you, that chance will be gone forever at that stage. As has been said often here on this forum " The truth shall set you free".

 

Face up to your demons and demonstrate that you are a better human being than you think you are. Warm wishes.

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Jersey born raised

I know your husband will not go to MC, but why don't you?

 

Do a search on the 5 Love Lanuages. It has helped a lot of people to connect emotionally by understanding there spouses POV. What I learned the hard way 40 years ago there are two points of view in a relationship, honor each others POV.

 

To be frank throwing me a big birthday party is a waste of time. But on a regular basis doing small unexpected things is huge.

 

A nickname for me is huge, an occasional hug from behind, even a quick grope of my butt huge. All done with out fan fair before or after.

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Jersey born raised

Also think carefully about QuietDans questions, they will need answers. If he walked in the door tomorrow with these questions what would your answer be?? Today, tomorrow or 20 years from now his reaction will be the same. Be prepared'

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Thank you everyone.

 

From all your comments, I learned more about how badly thing will turn out if my husband finds out himself instead of me telling him.

 

However, while I agree with you all, I also have two questions:

a. What if he never finds out ?

 

In a post on this forum about a man's wife confessed and everybody in the comments seemed like to be shocked, everybody was asking "Why would she confess? ", so to me, it seems like everybody in real life will NOT choose to confess if the spouse does not know about the affair, instinctively.

Seems like everybody on the internet wants to act like a perfect person has perfect personality, who gives the most perfect in the most moral way suggestion. Am I right, or wrong ?

No offense to anybody who commented in my post, I truly appreciate everybody and really have had a better sense of the mistake I made.

 

b. How the damage to him will do differently exactly between the two different ways ?

So if I tell him, the worst thing is divorce, bad reputation of me among friends, family, neighbors, kids' school, etc.,

If I don't tell him and let him finds out some time in the future, (I mean, it's been 6 months, nothing ever happened, husband has been treating me better in many ways, he's been saying he's lucky to have me, so it means he does not have any clue - I still feel guilty but it's not enough reason to reveal everything to risk everything - the aftermath is terrifying) , the aftermath will be the same on the surface.

 

In a perfect world, I would tell him everything right now and let the chips fall where they may.

 

 

I don't know...

It's killing me, seems like I keep going back and forth.

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There are some people who have an affair and realize their wrong doings, end the affair and refocus their energy back into improving themselves and being the partner their spouse deserves and never say a word to their spouse about what they have done, you can be one of those people if you so choose.

Though I am in much more in the confession camp, I can understand why some people would not want to, whether it be fear of losing their spouse to divorce because they "love" them, losing their career, Their family becoming a broken one, losing friends and whatever else. There is usually no evidence left for people who get away with infidelity like this, and this doesn't last forever

In your case though, the OM's wife knows who you are and you never know when she may decide to track your husband down and tell him what you have done, do you really want to go through your marriage paranoid of that happening?

But here is the thing, quite a few posters here do not understand is the fact that the the truth always comes out, perfect example is recently in my family my father found out about and affair my mother had twenty five years ago. Even though my mother became a model wife and mother after her affair, my dad is still broken to pieces and the pain is even worse for him now. I can understand why you don't confess, but just know it will come out much sooner than you think and you should be prepared for it.

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You tell him because it's a marriage and you stepped out on him.

 

You tell him because it's the right and honest thing to do.

 

You tell him because if you're truly guilty about what you did then you owe it to him and you're marriage to start building it up and build something true and longer lasting.

 

You tell him because if OM didn't dump you you'd still be having sex with him.

 

You tell him because you profess to hate the OM but if the OM came back into the picture you're start up the affair again.

 

You tell him because say he took all your money, gambled it away and put you into debt, you'd want to know because this directly affects you, your lifestyle and your marriage, you'd want him to be honest with you.

 

You tell him because you hope he's honest with you as well.

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I do not have an answer for you, only you can decide what's best for you and your family. Read through my thread and see what I'm going through.

 

I will tell you I confessed because I couldn't continue to live a lie. My BH knew something was wrong with me and thought he was the cause of it. It destroyed me to tell him and it was even worse when he told our kids. In detail.

 

I confessed because I knew if there was a chance to put this back together I had to come clean. I made so many bad choices and I knew the only way to start to put it right was to admit it, own it and take responsibility.

 

But I really don't have the answer for you. Ultimately you have to decide if you can live with carrying it all yourself. I thought I had to. I thought I had done wrong and had to carry it all myself for the rest of my life. The problem was I wasn't healing because I didn't take responsibility for my stupidity. It kills me that everyone around me is hurting right now and it didn't "ease my guilt" to confess. Not even close.

 

But deep inside, I know I did the right thing and I know that in order to move forward in a positive direction, I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.

 

I still don't know what is going to happen with my family. But I know I'm living honestly now and that gives me a microscopic bit of hope that I can be a better person.

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Most affairs/cheating is never revealed so if you keep your mouth shut you'll be doing what most people do. As a BH myself I can honestly say that I wish I could "un-know" my wife's affair. Ignorance would have saved me an endless amount of pain, shame & self-hatred. So I say never tell him. If you're feeling guilty and feel you need to unburden yourself just suck it up buttercup. Living with your sin is your penance and there's no good reason to dump your mess on your husband. He deserves better & you owe him.

Edited by drifter777
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Seeing how the man's wife knows and apparently your friend who felt the need to inform your AP's wife, your best bet would be to come clean. I know it's been 6 months but they can inform your husband what happened at any time. I know I've read cases of BS being made aware of the affair years down the road. And when that happens they tend to feel like the entire marriage since the time of the affair is just one big lie and all the memories that come with it are tainted. If by some chance he finds out from someone other than you, it could do even more damage. The sooner you tell him the better.

 

 

Also, if you are going to confess don't do so with half-assed truths and lies by omission. You need to be completely honest. You need to be willing to answer all his questions for however long he feels the need to ask (this could be years). A lot of cheaters tend to lie or "trickle truth" which is what you sounded like you wanted to do. That can be torture for a BS because they never know what they can believe, trust the WS even less over time, and always think there's more to the story because the WS can't be completely honest.

 

The choice to tell or not is up to you. I've never seen a case of infidelity where I didn't think honesty was the best policy unless the WS was in an abusive relationship and safety was an issue. Keeping what you've done to yourself is not protecting your husband, it's protecting yourself. Which again is your choice, but it's important to realize it's the same type of selfish thinking and behavior that allowed you to have an affair to begin with. Keeping what you did to yourself will not be doing you or your husband any favors.

Edited by JS84
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I do not have an answer for you, only you can decide what's best for you and your family. Read through my thread and see what I'm going through.

 

I will tell you I confessed because I couldn't continue to live a lie. My BH knew something was wrong with me and thought he was the cause of it. It destroyed me to tell him and it was even worse when he told our kids. In detail.

 

I confessed because I knew if there was a chance to put this back together I had to come clean. I made so many bad choices and I knew the only way to start to put it right was to admit it, own it and take responsibility.

 

But I really don't have the answer for you. Ultimately you have to decide if you can live with carrying it all yourself. I thought I had to. I thought I had done wrong and had to carry it all myself for the rest of my life. The problem was I wasn't healing because I didn't take responsibility for my stupidity. It kills me that everyone around me is hurting right now and it didn't "ease my guilt" to confess. Not even close.

 

But deep inside, I know I did the right thing and I know that in order to move forward in a positive direction, I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.

 

I still don't know what is going to happen with my family. But I know I'm living honestly now and that gives me a microscopic bit of hope that I can be a better person.

 

My wife did not confess her A, I discovered it. But, the bolded above is exactly how I felt; our marriage was dying (from my point of view) and I didn't know how to fix it. I suspect, had I not found out, we'd be down the path of D right now; because I was to the point where "this has to stop" and we were openly discussing how to pull our lives apart and move forward alone.

 

Discovery of the A, while perhaps the most painful thing thus far in my life, brought it all into focus for me. Our marriage wasn't dying, my wife was having an affair, that was a very different problem. Yes, she re-wrote history to be "Marriage dying before start of affair" but, frankly, that's just not true. So, the discovery of the A gave me, in some terrible/twisted way, hope. Hope that we could fix things and move on because, while terrible, an A can be overcome. "I want a D" for "no reason" is pretty much the end of a marriage, there's no point in trying to save it at that point (which is where I felt we were).

 

Now, all this said, your H will suffer greatly if you tell him. I too wish I could unknow it. But I can't, and, if I'd never known, I'd probably be in a different forum posting about my divorce that I was going through and no idea "why". IMHO, he needs to know; continuing a relationship with this kind of cloud over it.. IDK, seems like it will eventually come back to destroy you/your marriage, just a matter of when. I, as others have posted, couldn't live my life with that over my head.

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Jersey born raised

The biggest obstacle a BS and a WS is separating the adultety from honest issues in the marriage. They are so closely intertwined that the BS see any mention of them as justification. The WS often echoes that view point. But they are two different problems. The adultery is the result of a chacter weakness in the WS. You could have chosen to divorce instead you comminted adultery. This was solely your choose. It creates a whole different set of problems separate from the issues.

 

When choosing an IC with a background in adultery you need to qualify several basic points:

 

Adultery is adultery, issues are issues true or false. Most likeky the MC will attempt to blur them together and this is not a good omen. The only answer is true. If not move on.

 

Next ask what issues adultery causes separate from the issues the marriage and how to address them. Often Dr. Shirley Glass book "not just friends" is a good starting point. It points out the pit falls of "friendship" sliding into an EA then adultery. So it speaks to healthy boundaries. Understand heathy boundaries are those things we do to protect what we value. A simple question how important is oral hygiene to you? Do you stay ontop of it? Why? To protect your teeth. So either you follow it or your teeth rot.

 

As those issues are addressed the marriage issues need to be bought into the discussion. Care must be taken to not to in anyway give a sense they in no way justify the adultery. While it is true the issues to one degree or another created a toxic enviroment that may have contributed to the choice of the adultery never the less at no point can the vibe be giving "well if only the BS had .... Understand there are times when hidden CSA or FOO of the WS are the only reason for the adultery. The WS failure to confront their personsl issue is the sole reason. However normally there are a range of issues on both side that in terms of fault are on a sliding scale. These issues need to e addressed and resolved for the marrage to endure and grow. Learning how to fight sometimes with harsh words is common. The expression no hitting below the belt, no hitting above the neck and no wearing your belt neck high is important because hard "body blows" especially with men are needed. So learn how to fight!

 

I there are many good books to read and pick and choose ideas that work for you. "how to help your spouse heal from an affair", Marriage builders several, "His needs...Her needs" is well regarded. But I think 5 love Lanuages is a good start, google it. I learned the hard way if you do not honor those things the other spouse does, it will not work out. The amazing thing is you do not have to know why they are important or agree with them. Just do so research and do it. At least it shows you care enough for a person and have enough empathy to actually do something about it.

 

My ex like collecting light houses. Not my thing but I looked into it and if a friend was traveling to area with one I would ask them to pick one up. So in the middle of the month for no reason a wrapped present appeared on the kitchen table. We went future shopping for something, I wandered off and saw a nice cabinet to display her collection, I found her and told her I wanted to buy something come look. She was thrilled.

 

Yes the day to day is important but you can be perfect day to day, never hit the big days and problems occur. The love languages identifies 5 types of action that cause a person to feel very connected. Of course all are important but each person has a different ranking. What I never got from my wife,even though I mentioned it many times, do not use my name when talking to people about me say "my husband" with pride. Use nicknames. But that is just me.

 

There are phases reconcilation (if it occurs) and marriages encounter. For example after several years the BS and at times reach an experience commonly called the "leathal plain of flatness". A sense is this as good as it gets? Is it worth it. An example of a phase a marriage with children encounters is the "empty nest" this hits hardest for the SAHP.

 

So starting working on your future tackling theses issues in order. Finally if you use an IC you could ask him to help develop a timeline and answers to QuiteDans questions and ask him to hold onto in case twenty years from now the truth comes out. You still lied and deceived him and stole the choice of staying or going from him.

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