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My wife's affair with my friend???


Justinsparky82

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Justinsparky82

Never thought I would be the one on here but here goes.

 

 

 

The guy was supposed to be my "best friend". For five or six years they had an affair (even in my own bed and my son's bed). I never caught them, she finally told me about it and said she loved me and would never do it again and will never see or talk to this man again, should I forgive her, and how can I ever get my trust back, and get this knife I feel is sticking in my back out??? how long before the pain goes away, because I don't even want to live anymore, it hurts so bad.*

The guy's got an a** kicking when I see him, but should I trust her again?

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Just our of curiosity,

 

Did she say what was missing in the Marriage to make her susceptible to an affair?

 

Why did she confess if you never knew about this A in the first place...seems like without a really good explanation, she is simply relieving herself of some guilt with is a really selfish move on her part.

 

How long have you been married and how old is your son?

 

Is there prior infidelities in your marriage?

 

What is your idea as to why your wife has done this to you?

 

These details may help the folks here to provide some guidence.

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five or six years is a very long time.

 

In your house and in your bed?

 

This is one of the worst acts of hatred and disrespect to you by both of them.

 

 

Has she been tested for stds?

 

Has she stopped all contact with your "friend"?

 

Did she tell his wife about the A? Did she get a protective order against him ever coming to your house?

 

She is an addict to your friend. How does she feel she can overcome her addiction?

 

six years, how would she feel if you had an A for six years?

 

Is your son yours or not?

 

I do not see this working out.

 

time to get a D.

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From what I have been told, the pain never really goes away completely. In time it will be down to almost nothing, but a comment or a picture or a location will bring it back if you stay with her.

 

My biggest question was mention by someone else:

 

WHY did she confess?

 

The main reason IMO is that she was afraid of you finding out if she did not. That means either his wife found out, he threatened to tell of she left him, or someone else noticed the two of them and threatened to tell.

 

I hate to be skeptical, but it is hard to believe that it came from a desire to come clean.

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I agree with the above poster Harry Brown.

Just Look at the facts as you have stated:

 

1. She had a sexual affair behind your back for 5-6 years.

2. She had a sexual affair for 5-6 years with your best friend. This is the worst kind of double betrayal. She knew it what it would do to you.

3. For 5-6 years she put your health at risk for STD's.

4. Since this was going on in your marriage for 5-6 years everything you believed in has been a lie and apparently a big joke to her.

5. During these 5-6 years she admitted having her lover come to your house and screw him in your marital bed and even in your son's bed. This is so symbolic. She symbolically defacated on you, your marriage, your family and your home.

6. Since this was going on 5-6 years you know that there had to be times that she was with you intimately shortly after having sex with her lover.

 

Good God man - how much humiliation and disrespect are supposed to endure? Do you think she would be even asking this question of forgiveness if the roles had been reversed? How do you think she would be acting?

 

I may be wrong but I have a hunch you may be one of the nice guys. Your wife thought even after 6 years if she ever got caught you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose.

 

This past 6 years your wedding anniversary was a big lie and a joke.

The fact that she could have done this with your best friend for so long indicates she probably go some sort of perverse pleasure in playing you for such a fool. You know her and your best friend were talking about you.

 

All she can say is she won't do it again? Why in the world would you believe anything that she says? She has shown you in every way possible how little respect she has for you as a man, a spouse and your marriage. Enough is enough.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

1. See an attorney to understand your options.

2. Have the both of you get tested for STD's immediately.

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She cheated in you and your sons bed for "five or six years" she doesn't love you mate, I don't even see why you would be considering taking her back. Have some self respect and end the marriage like you should.

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Only a deeply disturbed and twisted individual would have sex in their child's bed. That is a whole other level of ick. No sane person should reconcile with that.

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Justinsparky82
Just our of curiosity,

 

Did she say what was missing in the Marriage to make her susceptible to an affair?

 

Why did she confess if you never knew about this A in the first place...seems like without a really good explanation, she is simply relieving herself of some guilt with is a really selfish move on her part.

 

How long have you been married and how old is your son?

 

Is there prior infidelities in your marriage?

 

What is your idea as to why your wife has done this to you?

 

These details may help the folks here to provide some guidence.

 

Married ten years.

son is five years old

No clue as to why it happened.

no other cheating as far as I know

Everything was going good as far as I NKOW.

She never said what was missing

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Justinsparky82
I agree with the above poster Harry Brown.

Just Look at the facts as you have stated:

 

1. She had a sexual affair behind your back for 5-6 years.

2. She had a sexual affair for 5-6 years with your best friend. This is the worst kind of double betrayal. She knew it what it would do to you.

3. For 5-6 years she put your health at risk for STD's.

4. Since this was going on in your marriage for 5-6 years everything you believed in has been a lie and apparently a big joke to her.

5. During these 5-6 years she admitted having her lover come to your house and screw him in your marital bed and even in your son's bed. This is so symbolic. She symbolically defacated on you, your marriage, your family and your home.

6. Since this was going on 5-6 years you know that there had to be times that she was with you intimately shortly after having sex with her lover.

 

Good God man - how much humiliation and disrespect are supposed to endure? Do you think she would be even asking this question of forgiveness if the roles had been reversed? How do you think she would be acting?

 

I may be wrong but I have a hunch you may be one of the nice guys. Your wife thought even after 6 years if she ever got caught you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose.

 

This past 6 years your wedding anniversary was a big lie and a joke.

The fact that she could have done this with your best friend for so long indicates she probably go some sort of perverse pleasure in playing you for such a fool. You know her and your best friend were talking about you.

 

All she can say is she won't do it again? Why in the world would you believe anything that she says? She has shown you in every way possible how little respect she has for you as a man, a spouse and your marriage. Enough is enough.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

1. See an attorney to understand your options.

2. Have the both of you get tested for STD's immediately.

 

 

I'm doing both MONDAY MORNING....This type of **** causes homicide cases.

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Justinsparky82
five or six years is a very long time.

 

In your house and in your bed?

 

This is one of the worst acts of hatred and disrespect to you by both of them.

 

 

Has she been tested for stds?

 

Has she stopped all contact with your "friend"?

 

Did she tell his wife about the A? Did she get a protective order against him ever coming to your house?

 

She is an addict to your friend. How does she feel she can overcome her addiction?

 

six years, how would she feel if you had an A for six years?

 

Is your son yours or not?

 

I do not see this working out.

 

time to get a D.

She said she stopped contact with him but who knows??

I had my son tested TWICE when he was first born (without her knowledge)

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Good let us know what lawyer says!

 

Also start a journal if you can do it where she can't find it.

 

Check with other mutual friends of your exbff.... could be he's more of a sly fellow than you know.

 

Don't get arrested. .. she would win that way.

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Never thought I would be the one on here but here goes.

 

 

 

The guy was supposed to be my "best friend". For five or six years they had an affair (even in my own bed and my son's bed). I never caught them, she finally told me about it and said she loved me and would never do it again and will never see or talk to this man again, should I forgive her, and how can I ever get my trust back, and get this knife I feel is sticking in my back out??? how long before the pain goes away, because I don't even want to live anymore, it hurts so bad.*

The guy's got an a** kicking when I see him, but should I trust her again?

Divorce her. Some affairs are forgivable, some can be worked through but this is DOUBLE BETRAYAL and even worse they had sex in your martial bed as well as your kids bed! WTF!

 

Why did she confess after such a long affair? Something feels off, like she was forced to tell you for some reason. She didn't just up and tell you out of honesty, especially a 5-6 year affair!

 

Yes your BF deserves to have his ass kicked but best revenge is to never see or speak to him again. He might press charges against you and you'll be the one in jail. Go to the gym and punch the crap out of a punching bad instead. Save your knuckles.

 

Has your wife actually shown genuine remorse? Did she tell you why she chose to have an affair with your so called best friend? Is she willing to do counseling and be an openbook, give you access to her social media and cell whenever you want to look at her stuff?

 

No rush to decide, but don't let her manipulate you into forgiving or taking her back. One thing she should move out and give you space and time to think.

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I had my son tested TWICE when he was first born (without her knowledge)

 

An unusual thing to do. Do this mean you suspected something 5 years ago :confused: ???

 

The guy's got an a** kicking when I see him

 

Why would you kick his a** but consider going back to living with - and sleeping with - her? Of the two of them, only one vowed to love and honor you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Given the following:

 

 

  1. Long-term (5+ years) affair
  2. With your good friend
  3. screwing in your bed, your child's bed

I'd say three strikes & your out. Your situation is nearly impossible to reconcile.

 

Right now you are in a state of shock and are emotionally stunned by all of this. You should leave for a day or so right now or ask your wife to leave - maybe she will because she's so ashamed. Make an appointment to talk with a lawyer on Monday morning & file for divorce on the spot. The divorce will move slowly through the system but it gives you a place to start from. I don't think it is possible for you to ever heal from what she has done as long as you remain married to her but that is something you can decide later. Right now you should take the path of divorce until something happens that changes your mind and you will consider trying to reconcile.

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I share the feeling with you man. My wife's affair is only 1 month and I'm already totally devastated! Those mind movies will kill you to death if you decide to stay with her.

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Why tell you now? Chances are for one of three reasons:

 

- she broke it off with him for whatever reason and he threatened to tell you

 

- he threatened to tell you unless she left you

 

- someone else found out and she was worried they'd tell you

 

Everyone is telling you everything to need to know. I don't see how this is reconcilable.

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Why tell you now? Chances are for one of three reasons:

 

- she broke it off with him for whatever reason and he threatened to tell you

 

- he threatened to tell you unless she left you

 

- someone else found out and she was worried they'd tell you

 

Everyone is telling you everything to need to know. I don't see how this is reconcilable.

 

^^^ This!! ^^^^

 

If you scratch the "why did she tell me now" itch you will find that you were about to find out in your own. Her "confession" would also indicate that she wanted you to hear this with her spin on it. Like screwing in your bed is something she's willing to admit in order to keep you from looking for more dirt. While it may sound impossible - when it comes to the sex she is lying & minimizing about everything. She will only tell you the things she believes you already know or things that she knows will come out. She'll withhold everything else...

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She said she stopped contact with him but who knows??

I had my son tested TWICE when he was first born (without her knowledge)

 

Sooooooo....why did you feel the need to have your son tested 5 years ago if there was no suspected cheating?

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Justinsparky82
^^^ This!! ^^^^

 

If you scratch the "why did she tell me now" itch you will find that you were about to find out in your own. Her "confession" would also indicate that she wanted you to hear this with her spin on it. Like screwing in your bed is something she's willing to admit in order to keep you from looking for more dirt. While it may sound impossible - when it comes to the sex she is lying & minimizing about everything. She will only tell you the things she believes you already know or things that she knows will come out. She'll withhold everything else...

 

What more do you think she could be hiding????

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My mom pressured me.

 

That is truely odd that your mother wanted you to get this test. She was probably noticing something you were missing.

 

I am going to take a counter opinion to those given you. There is no need to rush into anything. At this point what your wife wants is meaningless. Figure out what you really want to do and go from there.

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What more do you think she could be hiding????

 

She did it with your son in the next room, or even asleep on the same bed

 

She did it on your birthday

 

She did it on your anniversary

 

Her out of town trips to work/see family/hang with friends -- she was spending them with him

 

She kissed you minutes after having him in her mouth

 

She had sex with you right after him

 

 

 

Believe me, she didn't come clean with much.

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Jersey born raised

Have you discussed your WW adultery with your mother?? There are people who suspect everyone but most people will not push like your mom did.

Is you dad in the picture?

 

I think the only reason she told you was someone told her point blank you tell or I will.

 

First thing is stop to talking with her right now, follow the 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Plan a post divorce life. So figure put custody you want, not what you think you can handle. Do not settle for less then 50/50. Figure out the division of assets, child support, spousal support (if any). Until you have a solid game plan, you will be acting though fear and will fail both reconcilation or divorce.

 

Do you want. To live in your mothers basement, with every dime you make going to her and seeing your son 1 night a week, and one weekend a month?

 

Some basic questions: does your spouse work? Do you work? Did you engage in swinging or anytime of "open marriage"? Do you rent or own? Who has the higher income? Focus on these questions for the next week, nothing else. Do not allow her to talk to you except for child care.

 

Finally her parents what is there relationship like? Does she have FOO (family of origin) issues or CSA (childhood sexual abuse)? Exposure to family and friends?

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Honestly, you shouldn't even be on this forum asking if you should trust her again.

 

Five or six years out of ten she's been cheating on you. That's half or more of your marriage. Not enough? She's screwing your best friend. Not enough? She invites this best friend in your marital bed and your kids bed. Not enough? She's a liar and a cheat. DUH!

 

One other thing. Why are you going after your so called best friend? I'll bet the house that your wife never put a gun to his head and forced him to do anything.

 

Yeah he was wrong and what he did is unforgivable but he took what she offered so if this is the kind of woman you want hanging around you for the rest of your life then good luck to you friend because your in for a long misery filled life.

 

One other thing. How do you know that he was the only other guy she was with while you are together?

 

Go find a lawyer, file for divorce. Kick her ass out. Inform his wife if he has one and get on with your life but if your smart, don't even consider taking her back. It's really hard to remove a knife from your back especially when it comes from the one person who should always have your back.

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Never thought I would be the one on here but here goes.

 

 

 

The guy was supposed to be my "best friend". For five or six years they had an affair (even in my own bed and my son's bed). I never caught them, she finally told me about it and said she loved me and would never do it again and will never see or talk to this man again, should I forgive her, and how can I ever get my trust back, and get this knife I feel is sticking in my back out??? how long before the pain goes away, because I don't even want to live anymore, it hurts so bad.*

The guy's got an a** kicking when I see him, but should I trust her again?

 

An affair that lasted more then half of your marriage is more of a second life and not an affair. He was never a friend but kicking his a$$ is not worth going to jail for. Talk to a lawyer, move her out of your bedroom in the interim so you can think without her influencing you. Let her see what life without you is going to be like. Expose their cheating a$$'s if he is married or in a relationship. She sh*t on the most sacred place in your world, your bed, she desecrated your child's room(that is really, really disgusting). She left you with no sanctuary, doing it in your own home is about as disrespectful as it gets for you. They are two sick and disturbed people and just my opinion, I think no matter what you have to divorce her and go for full custody.

 

Perhaps after a couple of years of independent therapy you can look at your relationship again. If the love is there and she is able to make herself safe you can consider a relationship together. Just think about the number of times you and that POS had sex with her on the same day, hours and maybe only minuets apart, disgusting. I don't think there's enough paper bags in the world to fix this one. Sorry for your pain. Read up on the "180" and implement it today, you need to get some distance.

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