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katielee

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I found out how to find out what you've searched for on FB. So after years, I looked at hubby's facebook searches. He searched a very attractive business woman from our city in December. Like three times. Not sure if he found her but I did finally on my account. They have two mutual friends.

Why? Just why? The only other thing he searched for is sports teams.

Do I think he's cheating - no. Do I think he met her and thinks she's attractive and wanted to see/know more about her - yes. But that alone makes me feel very unsafe in this marriage. I understand glancing at another woman. But effing looking her up on facebook?

If I confront him he'll accuse me of spying on him.

I'm very tired of all this.

We have been doing very well.

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I found out how to find out what you've searched for on FB. So after years, I looked at hubby's facebook searches. He searched a very attractive business woman from our city in December. Like three times. Not sure if he found her but I did finally on my account. They have two mutual friends.

Why? Just why? The only other thing he searched for is sports teams.

Do I think he's cheating - no. Do I think he met her and thinks she's attractive and wanted to see/know more about her - yes. But that alone makes me feel very unsafe in this marriage. I understand glancing at another woman. But effing looking her up on facebook?

If I confront him he'll accuse me of spying on him.

I'm very tired of all this.

We have been doing very well.

 

I'm sorry... I actually disabled all social media. The only way around this is through. You have to talk to him about it and don't let it fester. He needs to know your feelings. I wish I had better advice... actually I'm not sure I'm in a good place to give advice. Take care.

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I found out how to find out what you've searched for on FB. So after years, I looked at hubby's facebook searches. He searched a very attractive business woman from our city in December. Like three times. Not sure if he found her but I did finally on my account. They have two mutual friends.

Why? Just why? The only other thing he searched for is sports teams.

Do I think he's cheating - no. Do I think he met her and thinks she's attractive and wanted to see/know more about her - yes. But that alone makes me feel very unsafe in this marriage. I understand glancing at another woman. But effing looking her up on facebook?

If I confront him he'll accuse me of spying on him.

I'm very tired of all this.

We have been doing very well.

 

 

I know how you feel. I have found the same on my DH FB page but only it was a friend he grew up with but it still got to me.

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Dude here... I wouldn't get too concerned unless you see other patterns of behavior. I'm in a happily committed relationship and occasionally I'll look someone up that I just met on LinkedIn, FB and Twitter. And truth be told, if they are attractive I am probably more likely to look them up.

 

But it doesn't mean anything except indulging my curiosity.

 

Let's turn the tables here... Imagine you ran into an attractive man either in work or your personal life. Maybe you wanted to show him to your girlfriend. Or maybe you just wanted to see if he was really that good looking or maybe what his wife was like. Wouldn't you think about running a search or two? That doesn't mean you want to cheat on your husband with him. Does it?

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Dude here... I wouldn't get too concerned unless you see other patterns of behavior. I'm in a happily committed relationship and occasionally I'll look someone up that I just met on LinkedIn, FB and Twitter. And truth be told, if they are attractive I am probably more likely to look them up.

 

But it doesn't mean anything except indulging my curiosity.

 

Let's turn the tables here... Imagine you ran into an attractive man either in work or your personal life. Maybe you wanted to show him to your girlfriend. Or maybe you just wanted to see if he was really that good looking or maybe what his wife was like. Wouldn't you think about running a search or two? That doesn't mean you want to cheat on your husband with him. Does it?

 

There's no way I would find a man attractive unless I knew him personally. The looks thing doesn't do it for me.

That said, I've had an affair. I don't get to find other men attractive anymore.

My husband's had two affairs. He doesn't get to troll for attractive women anymore.

I don't know why he doesn't understand this. If I confront him on this he'll just be more secretive, accuse me of spying, etc.

I know what it is. I don't like it and it is heart breaking to me.

He thinks he can do this because I don't know/won't find out.

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Serial cheating doesn't go away...it's inside a person. It's like any addiction, you may not actively participate in the drug of choice but you will think about it.

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There's no way I would find a man attractive unless I knew him personally. The looks thing doesn't do it for me.

That said, I've had an affair. I don't get to find other men attractive anymore.

My husband's had two affairs. He doesn't get to troll for attractive women anymore.

I don't know why he doesn't understand this. If I confront him on this he'll just be more secretive, accuse me of spying, etc.

I know what it is. I don't like it and it is heart breaking to me.

He thinks he can do this because I don't know/won't find out.

 

"You don't get to find men attractive anymore" that's not even realistic.

 

Jesus had temptation thrown at him, resistance doesn't equal to not ever be tempted again...there's realism after an A & there's also making unrealistical goals. Saying neither of you is never going to see or ever be attracted to anyone else ever again is just no where near realistic.

 

That kind of logic is the same as people chasing down big foot...it will only disappoint. Realistic is, you expect the former WS to not act on their desires, not to expect them to never have one again.

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Serial cheating doesn't go away...it's inside a person. It's like any addiction, you may not actively participate in the drug of choice but you will think about it.

 

I'm not sure I'd call him a serial cheater being he didn't start until I did. However, he may still be wounded, untrusting of me, and unwilling to put all his eggs in my basket because of what I did.

If that's the case, I'd rather be done with it. It's been 7 years and if he can't be healthy and I'm hurt in the process, then I'm just punishing myself by staying.

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"You don't get to find men attractive anymore" that's not even realistic.

 

Jesus had temptation thrown at him, resistance doesn't equal to not ever be tempted again...there's realism after an A & there's also making unrealistical goals. Saying neither of you is never going to see or ever be attracted to anyone else ever again is just no where near realistic.

 

That kind of logic is the same as people chasing down big foot...it will only disappoint. Realistic is, you expect the former WS to not act on their desires, not to expect them to never have one again.

 

it is realistic. I'm living it. I don't care to see men that way.

There is a difference between glancing at the opposite sex and finding them attractive and facebook stalking them.

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katielee....

 

 

First, I am sorry you are going through this again.

 

 

Second, if you don't confront about your findings, it will continue to eat at you. Are you prepared to live with that? I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with that now. But, I don't think it could go without exposing what I had found.

 

 

"I'm very tired of all this." Yep. I know how you feel. Almost 5 years, and I still go snooping now and then. Though nothing is password protected except phones and I put those on our phones for us......same password on hers and mine.

 

 

It is quite normal, I think, to continue to be vigilant and watchful. If he can't handle that, then he may not really be remorseful anyway.

 

 

Oh...... And we humans are always going to find others attractive. You can't stop or condemn that. What I do is tell my W each and every day how beautiful she is. When I do see an attractive woman, I tell my W that I think the lady is pretty. And, that is all there is to it. She can and does the same. No harm, no foul. We are human indeed.

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katielee....

 

 

 

 

Second, if you don't confront about your findings, it will continue to eat at you. Are you prepared to live with that? I don't know what I'd do if I had to deal with that now. But, I don't think it could go without exposing what I had found.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

Thank you for your post!

 

But what good answer could he have that would placate me?

If he glanced at her in passing - ok - I get that. But looking her up, that, to me, is quite intentional.

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Maybe, just maybe, he is looking to "fix her up" with some friend of his? Maybe not. But there could be an answer that makes things ok.

 

 

At this point, you are only going to continue to wonder and start to think worse if you don't get the answer you deserve.

 

 

Yes, glances are quite normal. Facebook "looking" may be of concern. And, I know that I would feel the same as you.

 

 

Are you going to keep it to yourself?

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Maybe, just maybe, he is looking to "fix her up" with some friend of his? Maybe not. But there could be an answer that makes things ok.

 

 

At this point, you are only going to continue to wonder and start to think worse if you don't get the answer you deserve.

 

 

Yes, glances are quite normal. Facebook "looking" may be of concern. And, I know that I would feel the same as you.

 

 

Are you going to keep it to yourself?

 

I'm not going to keep it to myself. But I am going to sit on it for a day or two. She's married too...

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

Ah yes, good ol' Facebook. Still does more damage then good I see. FB users must be gluttons for punishment.

 

Delete you accounts and never look back. I still don't understand people's fascinations with that cesspool of liars, cheaters, narcissist, and the depressed.

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ShatteredLady
Ah yes, good ol' Facebook. Still does more damage then good I see. FB users must be gluttons for punishment.

 

Delete you accounts and never look back. I still don't understand people's fascinations with that cesspool of liars, cheaters, narcissist, and the depressed.

 

 

I'm incredibly naive! I lived in a foreign country for 18 years. Facebook is an east way of sharing photos of the kids with relatives & friends. Since when is it such a narcissistic, lying, cheating thing to share photos with friends?

 

Ain't it in the eye of the beholder?

 

That person is just taking the quick, easy way of staying in touch with friends, family &?acquaintances at the same time. It's the person who's looking to get-off that's the problem NOT the site or the users!

 

 

Note - I'm not so naive to not know that some use it for narcissistic reasons. Facebook should be private but REALLY?

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ShatteredLady
https://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=27803

 

Read up. There are more negative studies coming out every year about the negative impact social media is having on our society and specifically relationships. Funny, it was made to bring people together, but it's doing the exact opposite for most people.

 

 

"More than once an HOUR"!!! I use it once a MONTH!! What on earth are people doing on there??? Please don't tell me!

 

This world!! :sick:

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T-16bullseyeWompRat
"More than once an HOUR"!!! I use it once a MONTH!! What on earth are people doing on there??? Please don't tell me!

 

This world!! :sick:

 

People are lying about their life. Constantly comparing themselves to others. Painting a picture that they have it better then you. Getting jealous, creating jealousy. General narcissistic stuff. Pretending to care about a person by posting an unthoughtful "happy birthday" to pacify their need to feel important in people's lives. Feeling unimportant because John from highschool didn't wish them happy birthday. Lots of petty stuff. Trying to make themselves feel better about their crappy lives by pretending to be involved in social issues because they "liked and shared" a picture. I can go on and on.

 

There is another study about FB use and depression

https://www.google.com/amp/www.forbes.com/sites/amitchowdhry/2016/04/30/study-links-heavy-facebook-and-social-media-usage-to-depression/amp/

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I think you should talk to him. Only because you don't want this to become a bigger issue. Honestly, though, I don't think it is the end of the world. I randomly search old friends on facebook. Now if you are getting other clues that he is being unfaithful I can see the worry.

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I think you should talk to him. Only because you don't want this to become a bigger issue. Honestly, though, I don't think it is the end of the world. I randomly search old friends on facebook. Now if you are getting other clues that he is being unfaithful I can see the worry.

 

This isn't an old friend though. It's likely someone he met or LinkedIn him and he was curious about her. Like I said, a glance is ok. An intentional look up is not ok.

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This isn't an old friend though. It's likely someone he met or LinkedIn him and he was curious about her. Like I said, a glance is ok. An intentional look up is not ok.

 

I think all relationships have their own rules. My marriage, we don't care. Your marriage, your rules. However, if you haven't previously told him you don't want him searching names in facebook you may want to approach the issue in a non-confrontational manner. He may honestly not realize that looking up a name and nothing else is off limits.

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Checking out women is kind of normal for a man. Checking out a woman a few times isn't necessarily an indication that he is hoping to cheat with her. It is an indication he might be attracted to her, though. We can't help being attracted to others. It is concerning that he's kept the attraction secret from you but I can certainly understand why.

 

You as a couple can set whatever boundaries you like but a boundary that doesn't allow you to be attracted to other people just isn't going to work. You're both human. Personally my boundary would be private communication with her in any form, in person, by phone, or by private message. If he reaches out to her it has crossed the line from attraction to seeking out another affair in my mind, and that would be completely off limits.

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Hi Katie, you seem to be a very unhappy person and this fulmination against your husband seems to reinforce that view to me. Apparently you are still very insecure and that is the problem at the heart of everything. I would suggest that you work on yourself with IC or by whatever means to regain your self esteem and become secure in yourself. I think once your husband senses that he will himself rectify whatever is broken within him to become a whole person again. I do not know your story and I do not know whether you had a reasonably good marriage before you entered into your affair. If you think that your marriage is worth saving and working on then I guess you owe it to yourself to work on your insecurities to do your bit to strengthen it. If however your marriage was and continues to be indifferent, then maybe it is time you called time on it and went your separate ways so that both of you can find your happiness elsewhere. Warm wishes.

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