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Not sure what to think [UPDATE: She contacted him]


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 16th February 2017, 11:06 PM   #1
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Not sure what to think [UPDATE: She contacted him]

Quick recap-
Me BW 6 mos into R with WS
NC 6 mos
A lasted year and a half with many Ddays.

Read my threads for more

Anyway. Things are going well....not amazing but not horrible. Recovery is a long process. Some times are good and some not but overall it's more better times. We've come to communicate better and to come to understandings on certain things/whys/etc.

Something came up tonight and I don't k ow if it's nothing and I'm reading too much into it or what. I don't want to freak out and overreact (which I have a tendency to do) if it's nothing .

I checked thru H's phone tonight. No big deal, we both have our prints in each other's phones and he never has a problem with me reading stuff or looking st his messages. But when I went to the internet, the gmail login came up. It was the only tab open. I moved the cursor over the email address field and it populated with a certain email address which had my H name or parts of in it. I used the normal PWs he usually uses and it said was wrong....me being me, I clicked forgot PW and it wanted to send a verification email to xAPs email address

Now, I don't know if this is something new or just old sh*t coming up on auto fill. I have absolutely NO reason to think he's in touch with xAP otherwise. I have the stuff he lets me see, but also some other stuff he doesn't know I have access to and nothing jumps out as strange. He's always at work, comes home, talks to me, I have a gps app on his phone which he knows about but also GPS in vehicle he doesn't know about....and nothing's ever been weird. He's not acting weird, he wasn't nervous when he woke up and I was in his phone, he's always either at work or with me. He's always where he says he is, and every once in awhile I'll drive up to his work and just sit there -- to see if xOW shows up. I've never seen anything.

I don't know whether to talk about it or let it go. We have weekly "check ins " and I might say something there.

I'd like him to just get into the email in front of me so I can see he hasn't talked to her recently. But don't know if it would be good to ask that. Or demand it.

I was just going to say that things are going good with us but something came up and can we talk about it.

Please tell me I have nothing to worry about.
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Old 16th February 2017, 11:21 PM   #2
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You have every right to ask him to open it. In front of you.

He shouldn't mind under the circumstances

IMO pull it up and ask for the PW
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Old 16th February 2017, 11:23 PM   #3
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Considering it's only been 6 months, do talk to him and tell him to open the email in front of you. Be honest and tell him what happened and how that email wanted exOW email for verification and it's bothered you a lot. If he has nothing to hide he'll have no odd or red faced reaction to showing you. If there's anger, irritation or accusation that you don't trust him then that's a red flag. It hasn't been a year yet and you two are still in the beginnings of R your M and trust is going to have to be proven a lot regardless if he likes that or not.
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Old 16th February 2017, 11:43 PM   #4
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I agree. I'm going to guess that this is an email account you didn't know about and that they used to communicate with each other. If he wants the gift of reconciling, rebuilding trust is part of the territory - for both of you. If you investigate and find nothing, you both win. If you find something you didn't know about, well, that's a different story.

Find your lady-balls and ask him to open that email account for you. If he balks, make sure he knows where the exit is.

This is how it works. He signed you both up for this. Be sure to thank him for bringing this into your marriage.
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:09 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aileD View Post
Please tell me I have nothing to worry about.
Unless you're just going through the motions, R is about the truth. And that includes the ones hard to hear for either party.

So ask him...

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Old 17th February 2017, 12:26 AM   #6
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Definitely ask him to do it right in front of you! And no advance warning. Soon too. That is SO your right, given everything.

Did you not know this email address existed? It definitely sounds like one he used to communicate with her. Even if he hasn't used it recently, he should have told you about it....

Stay on your toes. Sorry about this
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:03 AM   #7
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Have him open the gmail account BUT he's smart enough delete the messages so you won't find anything there. Instead, switch over to the last account activity and check for what devices, locations and times it's been accessed. You'll know then whether he's been using the email recently or not.

Also, always check the drafts folder. That's how Paula Broadwell and David Petraeus were communicating.

https://support.google.com/mail/answer/45938?hl=en
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:40 AM   #8
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Thanks. He's sleeping now, but definitely going to ask him. He did use secret email addresses to communicate with her and I know that he used to use her phone and email for the verification because more than once during the A I was able to break into his emails by resetting his pw using codes texted to his phone. So I'm not freaking out that they're in contact because I know this could be an old email.

I closed the tab, I think I'm going to keep an eye out for a few days till our Sunday check in to see if that page gets left open again at any point. I'm not scared to ask him, I think he'll be honest as we have come a long way, but I know he still "mourns" her. Which is worrisome to me.
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Old 17th February 2017, 4:25 AM   #9
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Ugh! I know that feeling.
You're a great lady who doesn't deserve all this bull in your life.
Stay strong.

Hugs.
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Old 17th February 2017, 4:49 AM   #10
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All I can say is that living a life like this is extremely stressful and not good for your mental health.I'm sure its exhausting while he is sleeping !

Take Care
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Old 17th February 2017, 4:53 AM   #11
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Hugs, aileD.
For me, it would be important enough to not wait the 2 or 3 days to the regular Sunday check-in.
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Old 17th February 2017, 7:05 AM   #12
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All I can say is that living a life like this is extremely stressful and not good for your mental health.I'm sure its exhausting while he is sleeping !

Take Care
Thanks, yes I agree I would not want to live my life like this forever. And honestly it's been good for awhile. He's been completely open like I said, and in the beginning of our R, I was checking phone every day, GPS-ing all day, etc because we have had false R before. He's not smart about hiding things either, and I have good detective skills. Things have been good and quiet, her social media shows some stuff about "the new man in her life" (a dog) and she seems to be close with her family again. So I haven't really been checking on things because I feel good about where we are.

He fell asleep on the couch watching a you tube video and I shut it off. Noticed he had a text from our cell carrier in Spanish. Copied it and opened internet to translate and that's when I saw the google login. Also he woke up when I had his phone and didn't freak out or anything, didn't ask for it back, etc. I didn't talk then because he was half asleep and I needed to process.

He's been quiet the last few days and did have a good break thru in therapy this week too. But the quietness made me nervous



Quote:
Hugs, aileD.
For me, it would be important enough to not wait the 2 or 3 days to the regular Sunday check-in.
There's just no time to do that and I want to make sure we have privacy. I did talk to him this morning about why he's been quiet and if we were ok. He said we are okay and doing good. He said he hates coming to work because he's got to drive thru literally all the places him and xAP parked in their cars and did whatever. He doesn't like going into that area where he could drive by her, he doesn't like being in the office because her name is all over accounts, and that countered with his accountant just quit and they couldn't find a replacement fast enough so now he's got to take that on and he's probably not getting a raise for it.

I just want to make sure I word things the right way when I talk to him. I dont want to come of as accusatory or assuming the worst. I'm thinking of just saying, "I know we've been good lately and I'm happy where we are and with our progress. But the rebuilding of trust isn't fully there yet and Something came up and I wanted to talk to you about it so I don't jump to conclusions. "

I actually am not really freaking out. I know he's not in touch with her. I can just tell. All thru the A and false R, I could always tell when he's talking to her. He's not a good liar and he avoids direct answers when he's not being truthful.
He's been understanding of his position and my feelings and helpful in the past when I've had questions.

But that said. He's still in the fantasy of the affair. He still has it romanticized in his head. Yes he chose us but doesn't mean he didn't think he loved her and it's a breakup just like every other breakup that he has to get over. That's his issue he's got to work on in counseling. I want to smack him and say "it was a fantasy! You never did real life with her! It wasn't love, it was limerence and infatuation and an addiction!" He hasn't got there yet. He's committed to us but still gets "nostalgic" or whatever especially on the ride to work and it makes it hard for him to forget the magical fairy times they had together

Last edited by aileD; 17th February 2017 at 7:18 AM..
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Old 17th February 2017, 8:09 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aileD View Post
...it's a breakup just like every other breakup that he has to get over.
Bullsh|t.


Quote:
Originally Posted by aileD View Post
I want to smack him and say "it was a fantasy! You never did real life with her! It wasn't love, it was limerence and infatuation and an addiction!"
Good idea.
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Old 17th February 2017, 8:16 AM   #14
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Ugh, this makes my stomach turn.

I always over think everything, so I won't tell you where my mind went reading it. But I would definitely ask him to open that account in front of you. My H would deny it's existence and claim that he has no idea what that is. Be angry with me for accussing him of something he hasn't done.

Our stories are somewhat similar. I pray that he is open with you and understanding and opens that up and there isn't anything new. Hugs.
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Old 17th February 2017, 8:24 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aileD View Post
Quick recap-
Me BW 6 mos into R with WS
NC 6 mos
A lasted year and a half with many Ddays.

Read my threads for more

Anyway. Things are going well....not amazing but not horrible. Recovery is a long process. Some times are good and some not but overall it's more better times. We've come to communicate better and to come to understandings on certain things/whys/etc.

Something came up tonight and I don't k ow if it's nothing and I'm reading too much into it or what. I don't want to freak out and overreact (which I have a tendency to do) if it's nothing .

I checked thru H's phone tonight. No big deal, we both have our prints in each other's phones and he never has a problem with me reading stuff or looking st his messages. But when I went to the internet, the gmail login came up. It was the only tab open. I moved the cursor over the email address field and it populated with a certain email address which had my H name or parts of in it. I used the normal PWs he usually uses and it said was wrong....me being me, I clicked forgot PW and it wanted to send a verification email to xAPs email address

Now, I don't know if this is something new or just old sh*t coming up on auto fill. I have absolutely NO reason to think he's in touch with xAP otherwise. I have the stuff he lets me see, but also some other stuff he doesn't know I have access to and nothing jumps out as strange. He's always at work, comes home, talks to me, I have a gps app on his phone which he knows about but also GPS in vehicle he doesn't know about....and nothing's ever been weird. He's not acting weird, he wasn't nervous when he woke up and I was in his phone, he's always either at work or with me. He's always where he says he is, and every once in awhile I'll drive up to his work and just sit there -- to see if xOW shows up. I've never seen anything.

I don't know whether to talk about it or let it go. We have weekly "check ins " and I might say something there.

I'd like him to just get into the email in front of me so I can see he hasn't talked to her recently. But don't know if it would be good to ask that. Or demand it.

I was just going to say that things are going good with us but something came up and can we talk about it.

Please tell me I have nothing to worry about.
if you want peace of mind, you may be able to retrieve the password. If you use firefox as your browser, go into options. Click on security. It will ive you an option to show saved logins, and it will also show passwords if you click the button to do so.
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