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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 17th February 2017, 9:27 AM   #16
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Have him open the gmail account BUT he's smart enough delete the messages so you won't find anything there. Instead, switch over to the last account activity and check for what devices, locations and times it's been accessed. You'll know then whether he's been using the email recently or not.

Also, always check the drafts folder. That's how Paula Broadwell and David Petraeus were communicating.

https://support.google.com/mail/answer/45938?hl=en
you can also check the sent folder, and in gmail, if you look it the very bottom of the screen, it will often show the last ip address where the account was logged in from, and sometimes the date.
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Old 17th February 2017, 9:56 AM   #17
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If he has nothing to hide he should have no problem opening it in front of you but if he starts with the crazy talk and gets all defensive just ask him to get out but hold on to the phone, give him yours. Don't let him back until he agrees to open it in front of you. Check the dates of the texts.
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:47 PM   #18
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If he has nothing to hide he should have no problem opening it in front of you but if he starts with the crazy talk and gets all defensive just ask him to get out but hold on to the phone, give him yours. Don't let him back until he agrees to open it in front of you. Check the dates of the texts.
I truly hope this email account is nothing, but I do think you should force him to open it up in front of you to prove this. I would look at more than just emails, though. Gmail also has a feature at the bottom of your inbox called Last Account Activity that gives you details on when the account was accessed and who accessed it (geographically/IP address). He very well may delete the emails regularly, but that will tell you how often/recently he/she checks it.

One reason I say you should force the issue is that it's not a great sign that the field autopopulated. That usually means the account's been used recently, since those fields get reset when you clear browser history. I would imagine that's been done at least once in the 6mos. of NC. It's also a not great sign that the account exists. If he's really sincere about reconciliation, that account should have been deleted long ago.
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Old 17th February 2017, 12:52 PM   #19
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I truly hope this email account is nothing, but I do think you should force him to open it up in front of you to prove this. I would look at more than just emails, though. Gmail also has a feature at the bottom of your inbox called Last Account Activity that gives you details on when the account was accessed and who accessed it (geographically/IP address). He very well may delete the emails regularly, but that will tell you how often/recently he/she checks it.

One reason I say you should force the issue is that it's not a great sign that the field autopopulated. That usually means the account's been used recently, since those fields get reset when you clear browser history. I would imagine that's been done at least once in the 6mos. of NC. It's also a not great sign that the account exists. If he's really sincere about reconciliation, that account should have been deleted long ago.
One other thing. Even if the account shows old emails from a long time ago, still be concerned if he's logging into it regularly. My xMM did that for months after I instituted hard NC, because he wasn't over things. Eventually, he deleted it, I'm guessing when he did eventually let go. It's a sign he's hanging on to the "fantasy" of her.

(Also, I hope it's okay that I'm posting as a fOW. If you've seen any of my posts, you know that I feel a great deal of shame about my role in what happened, and come to LS to help steer others away from the terrible thing I did)
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:02 PM   #20
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aileD...

speaking as a former WW who used secret gmail accounts (blech)...

Was this open in a private browser?

You're saying it was ALREADY open??

If so...that bothers me.

Certainly the user name can be "remembered" by google.

I would most certainly suspect he was accessing an email account that they were using to communicate...at least at one point. Hopefully it was not recent.

I will say...when I confessed to my BH (actually, a month before I confessed), I shut down my account. I did not want xMM to have any way to contact me. So the fact that it's still open at all is a bit disturbing. I am assuming it is anyway. You could email it and if you don't get a bounce back, then it's still operational.

Best of luck.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:22 PM   #21
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aileD...

speaking as a former WW who used secret gmail accounts (blech)...

Was this open in a private browser?

You're saying it was ALREADY open??

If so...that bothers me.

Certainly the user name can be "remembered" by google.

I would most certainly suspect he was accessing an email account that they were using to communicate...at least at one point. Hopefully it was not recent.

I will say...when I confessed to my BH (actually, a month before I confessed), I shut down my account. I did not want xMM to have any way to contact me. So the fact that it's still open at all is a bit disturbing. I am assuming it is anyway. You could email it and if you don't get a bounce back, then it's still operational.

Best of luck.
No it wasn't a private browser. It wasn't attempted to be hidden. It was like the homepage or whatever when I opened the internet on his phone. The email address wasn't auto filled, but it did come up as an option when I put my cursor there so it had been used in past but not sure how long ago. But also this email address alphabetically would come first out of the other ones. I've seen that email address before, it's not foreign to me. The thing that throw me off was that the forgot password verification email was hers.

I could find out more, Im good like that...I have access to all his other stuff and I could email that email address and see what happens. I could click to send the forgot PW to her email and then monitor all his stuff. I could figure this out but if I'm WRONG, then I just brought her back into our lives and I certainly don't want to do that.

I need to be very careful. There's no enough evidence that he's contacted her and I honestly don't think he has. However her Birthday was last weekend, his birthday the week before, Valentine's Day then the Affair-a-versary is coming up in march....so if either one wanted to send out a "just checking in " email now would be the time (even though she is JW and doesn't celebrate birthdays or holidays).

I might be making too much out of this, I might be snowballing it because I'm triggered. I need to see what he says and I need to be looking in his eyes when he says it. And I don't know what my next step will be if he says he doesn't know the PW

Last edited by aileD; 17th February 2017 at 1:31 PM..
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:32 PM   #22
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Took a moment to read your situation and your responses to my thread make sense. From what I've gathered, your husband cheated and you are working on fixing your marriage. I may not be the best person to give advice but from the other side of the coin I will tell you that if you are looking for something "wrong" or "negative" you will most certainly find it.

Appreciate him, respect him, even though he may not deserve it. You will break the cycle and he will start loving you. The main reason men stray is due to lack of respect. If I may, I would recommend reading Love and Respect. It's a wonderful book. Best wishes to you.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:36 PM   #23
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Also, it wouldn't have allowed me the forgot PW option if the account didn't exist anymore. So nothing will bounce back. Thing is that they had so many fake email accounts and I know they just abandoned them instead of shutting them down.

Maybe I'll go to websites and sign up for junk mail using that website lol
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:36 PM   #24
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Took a moment to read your situation and your responses to my thread make sense. From what I've gathered, your husband cheated and you are working on fixing your marriage. I may not be the best person to give advice but from the other side of the coin I will tell you that if you are looking for something "wrong" or "negative" you will most certainly find it.

Appreciate him, respect him, even though he may not deserve it. You will break the cycle and he will start loving you. The main reason men stray is due to lack of respect. If I may, I would recommend reading Love and Respect. It's a wonderful book. Best wishes to you.
This is a ridiculous thing to say. Her husband has cheated with several different people and ran off with some teenager, and eventually came back but is still pouting about missing the chick. He doesn't deserve "respect", he deserves to have his ass monitored because he's a cheating sketchball and he needs to prove himself to her.

I say that as someone who cheated on my husband too. Had we decided to reconcile, I would certainly expect him to keep an eye on me.

Anyway aileD I hope your conversation goes well.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:44 PM   #25
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aileD, I hope your conversation goes well.
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:49 PM   #26
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This is a ridiculous thing to say. Her husband has cheated with several different people and ran off with some teenager, and eventually came back but is still pouting about missing the chick. He doesn't deserve "respect", he deserves to have his ass monitored because he's a cheating sketchball and he needs to prove himself to her.

I say that as someone who cheated on my husband too. Had we decided to reconcile, I would certainly expect him to keep an eye on me.

Anyway aileD I hope your conversation goes well.
I had no idea of the extent of the situation as I did not take the time to read into it fully. I stand corrected and apologize for offering advice and not knowing the severity. Why are you staying? If you want it to work for yourself and you can't leave then how can you expect to have a marriage if you aren't willing to respect or trust him? I am certainly not suggesting that he deserves that, but I am just curious if you think you can ever trust him again or WANT to. If the answer is no, then why are you wasting your time?
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Old 17th February 2017, 1:51 PM   #27
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Thing is that they had so many fake email accounts and I know they just abandoned them instead of shutting them down.
aileD, that's all the more reason to think that the email account to authenticate any 'forgot PW' queries was just left and abandoned, as well. (At that time,
one of them would have had to remember to change this; I'm not sure if it is something that would have come to mind?)
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I just want to make sure I word things the right way when I talk to him. I dont want to come of as accusatory or assuming the worst. I'm thinking of just saying,
"I know we've been good lately and I'm happy where we are and with our progress. But the rebuilding of trust isn't fully there yet and Something came up and I wanted to talk to you about it so I don't jump to conclusions. "
That sounds quite perfect, really -- sane and calm and loving and supportive...it would be really difficult to interpret as accusatory in any way.

I get the part about wanting to set the proper mood for the conversation -- as long as you are not 'freaking out', then that is the most important thing. .

Wishing you a super-happy Sunday!
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Old 17th February 2017, 2:11 PM   #28
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I never use the internet browser on my phone for gmail. There is an app but with the app, there is no password. It just opens and links all your accounts. I would look for the app on his phone.
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Old 17th February 2017, 2:14 PM   #29
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I just want to make sure I word things the right way when I talk to him. I dont want to come of as accusatory or assuming the worst. I'm thinking of just saying, "I know we've been good lately and I'm happy where we are and with our progress. But the rebuilding of trust isn't fully there yet and Something came up and I wanted to talk to you about it so I don't jump to conclusions. "

I actually am not really freaking out. I know he's not in touch with her. I can just tell. All thru the A and false R, I could always tell when he's talking to her. He's not a good liar and he avoids direct answers when he's not being truthful.
He's been understanding of his position and my feelings and helpful in the past when I've had questions.

I think the above dialogue you have planned sounds great! I just wouldn't wait until Sunday to have it. I noticed that you are treating him as if he's the victim here. Treating him as if he were a child...walking on eggshells to not rock the boat too much.

You are the one who will be thinking and wondering about this for the next few days, not him. You are worried about being wrong when you should be happy to be wrong if that turns out to be the case.

I've been there before where I was worried I would be wrong for thinking something is going down when it really wasn't. But, here's the thing...if your partner loves you and wants you to feel safe, they will willingly show you what you need to know and see. They will understand your concern because of the history.

If you're wrong, then you can breathe a sigh of relief and tell him "Thank you for helping me to trust you again" with a kiss and a hug.
Waiting 3 more days only gives you wasted time to think, think, think.
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Old 17th February 2017, 2:49 PM   #30
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I'm not sure why you're second guessing yourself so much. You are not crazy. If you husband had a perfect track record,yes. I'd tell you to calm down. Given his history, you are rightfully triggered by a suspicious email account.
I don't see why you you're walking on egg shells.
If he's over the affair and committed to R, trying to get to the bttom of this will not bring her back to your lives. If something is going on, or if he still misses her, it's on his mind anyway.
Why all this spiralling? Why are you so anxious about asking him?
You are 100% justified. He has cheated on you more than once. He's done false R. He should be all over the place putting your mind at ease, yet here you are so concerned about offending him. He earned this.
I hope this turns out to be 100% nothing, I really do. I will say I felt uneasy reading how you're going around in circles trying to convince yourself it's nothing. You shouldn't go through this anxiety yourself. He should be there with you, assuring and reassuring you.
Good luck.
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