Lookingforanswers77 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I as other men never thought this day would come. I had what I thought was a happy marriage.14 years 2 amazing kids I had it all.I found my wife has been Sexting both explicit photos and sexual communication with multiple other men. I caught her red-handed at first she treated me like I was crazy for my accusations even though I saw her in the moment. I've had my doubts for a long time that she's been faithful emotionally to me I've watched her take photos of herself both in the bedroom and bathroom and when I've confronted her she's always told me they were for me and would proceed to send me a photo but I knew she had taken multiple more. Over the past few months she has become very distant with both myself and our kids our house in our lives she's been very protective of her phone never letting it out of her sight and always on it. Social media has sucked her in. Since this transpired in January she has come clean with at least four men she was communicating with. She without me asking contacted the wife of one of them and let her know what was going on unfortunately it was after I contacted the wife. When I asked her why it was because she thought that I did not desire her anymore nor was I giving her the attention she was looking for even though for the past many years I have been trying to give her the same attention these other men were. Over the past few weeks she has left all social media and swears that she wants to work on our marriage. We communicate more now but I still wonder in the back of my mind knowing my wife if something actually physically happened between any of these men and herself . Trust has always been a fundamental value I've tried to portray in my family now that it's gone I'm at a complete loss of what to do. I even cringe a little when she tells me I love you knowing she was telling me that while doing what she was doing with the other men . I want to see our marriage work but I don't know how to get the wheels to stop turning in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 This story sounds oddly familiar 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lookingforanswers77 Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Sorry to hear that, I've spoken with 2 individuals locally who are going through the same thing. Snapchat instagram and Facebook are so far the leading facilitators of these actions. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Read the "nude photos red flag?" thread - that is what I was referring to. Luckily this situation does not pertain to my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Check your phone bill. You may not have the full story Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lookingforanswers77 Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Unfortunately texts were primarily through Snapchat Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Yeah, sound shockingly familiar. First off, I'm so sorry man, I'm about 1 month from my discovery of W's affair, and it does get better, but it's a terrible shock to the system. First thing to realize, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. No matter what you may read here, in books, anywhere else, your wife ALWAYS had other options; talk to you, get professional help, or even divorce; all valid and reasonable options before she starts sexting with multiple men. The multiple men thing to me sounds like she may have an addiction, either to the validation she's getting or some sexual kink she has (and we all have them, so this is not an indictment of your wife or you). The thing that you need to brace yourself for; there's probably more to this story. Other posters told me that when I first posted, and, thankfully, I listened to them and kept digging. And yes, there was more. And the "more" in my case was horrible. You may be lucky, this might be the extent of it, but don't be surprised if "more" keeps trickling into the conversation. Be strong, know that there are people here who will help you and listen to you. There's a lot of people here, including men, who've been through this and have come out the other side better than they went in; either with their wives or without. Decide how much detail you want and start pressing for it. I believe in electronic surveillance (others disagree) but if you're the type who "has to know" (I am), then get on it. Get a voice activated recorder (VAR) and put it in her car. Install keyloggers on computers to gather intel. It's the lies that will eat you up, not the nude pictures or even sex (in my case). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lookingforanswers77 Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 I've tried every angled question I could think of to find out if she and they were at all physical. They all say no. She tells me this was done because finally in her life she felt desirable. She has always had a weight issue, she started going to a gym busting her ass and gotten herself into great shape. For me I never saw her as she did. These guys that gave her the attention. Would have never paid her attention before but I tried. And after years of getting shut out I gave up. But for her to tell these guys the things she would do and let have done blows my mind because these are all things I tried to share with her and continually was shot down for it. Now she wants all that from me, she says she is working on changing our marriage back to what is was when we started. I realize we lost a connection somewhere but in no way did I go looking for it during all of this. I guess I'll never actually know. Or not without paying out the ass for things to help me find out. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Cheaters always blame their partner. You did nothing wrong. If she felt she was not receiving sufficient attention from you the correct thing to do would be discuss it with you and work towards a resolution. Not take pictures of herself naked and sext other men. Cheating is cheating. Lies, betrayal, it's all bad. Social media can be to blame but also porn. Women and men now have normalized porn and nudes to the point people don't realize the implications sharing these things have. No woman who is married needs snap chat imo. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Whoops. . . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Cheaters always blame their partner. You did nothing wrong. If she felt she was not receiving sufficient attention from you the correct thing to do would be discuss it with you and work towards a resolution. Not take pictures of herself naked and sext other men. Cheating is cheating. Lies, betrayal, it's all bad. Social media can be to blame but also porn. Women and men now have normalized porn and nudes to the point people don't realize the implications sharing these things have. No woman who is married needs snap chat imo. Or man....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 In fairness lots of people use snap chat for lots of different reasons. It gets a bad rep, when there are a ton of other apps that can be used to have an affair. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to find out about this OP, it does sound like your wife has had at least a bit of a wakeup call. I don't know if you can get past this or not, but it's really easy to get caught up in the ego boost of online flirting. It's so disconnected from real life, because you can walk away from and into it so easily. Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I've tried every angled question I could think of to find out if she and they were at all physical. They all say no. She tells me this was done because finally in her life she felt desirable. She has always had a weight issue, she started going to a gym busting her ass and gotten herself into great shape. For me I never saw her as she did. These guys that gave her the attention. Would have never paid her attention before but I tried. And after years of getting shut out I gave up. But for her to tell these guys the things she would do and let have done blows my mind because these are all things I tried to share with her and continually was shot down for it. Now she wants all that from me, she says she is working on changing our marriage back to what is was when we started. I realize we lost a connection somewhere but in no way did I go looking for it during all of this. I guess I'll never actually know. Or not without paying out the ass for things to help me find out. Something about this, her story, the way your wife reacted, how she has reacted since things have started, is troubling. Originally I was thinking that she probable did not have any physical affair encounters. However, there are multiple subtle red flags going off. Generally speaking....the particular pattern that she is following has me starting to think that you might need to be concerned that she has also had some physical affairs. Just a suspicion, this is still early in your voyage of discovery, the truth will probable trickle in a little bit at a time. Usually only after it has been discovered and can no longer be denied. You might want to go to the Doctor and get checked for STD's. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Sometimes you just have to ask them to leave for a couple of weeks while you consider your options and get legal advice. They need to be fully awake and out of fantasy land, show them what life without you and the kids will be like. What's with serial cheating wives that expose themselves to strangers over the internet this week, it's like an epidemic. I am sorry for your pain friend, no one deserves to be treaded the way you have been treated. Take your time deciding if reconciliation or divorce is your path, get all the truth first. Give her one chance to give you all the truth, anything you discover later will impact your decision to choose the marriage. Have her put her disclosure in writing or record the confrontation so there is no doubt about what was confessed and both of you can refer to it if needed. Expose the other men, their significant others deserve the right to decide their own marriages. If moving her out of the house for a while doesn't work because of young children at least move her out of the bedroom until you make a decision on a path without her influencing you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Cheaters always blame their partner. You did nothing wrong. If she felt she was not receiving sufficient attention from you the correct thing to do would be discuss it with you and work towards a resolution. Not take pictures of herself naked and sext other men. Cheating is cheating. Lies, betrayal, it's all bad. Social media can be to blame but also porn. Women and men now have normalized porn and nudes to the point people don't realize the implications sharing these things have. No woman who is married needs snap chat imo. If someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat...why stop at just snap chat to blame, there's Facebook, Twitter, email, hotels, cars, phones themselves...apps don't matter OP...this is new & it's all going to take time for you to process everything. Take the time you need & try not to make any quick emotional decisions, in any direction. Good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 This is NOT an excuse, but cheating and acting out (flirting/sexting/etc) is a common thing that happens in marriages after one person loses a lot of weight. Actually if you are married and having gastric bypass you have to go to counseling prior for this very reason. The issue lies within your wife and her worth. Her worth has been tied to her weight for probably most of her life. And now that she's lost it, the attention she's getting makes her feel better about herself. It doesn't make it okay that she cheated, or whatever she did.....but understanding is a starting point to recovery if that's what you want to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Why don't you line up an appointment for a polygraph and let her know that you have questions and she has answers and this is the only way we can get them. I she gives you a hard time about it then let her know that she either takes it or she can find another place to live by herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Where any of the men local? I assume one was as you contacted his wife. If they where local then it is fair to assume it was a PA, possibly multiple PA. Her explaination of change of attuitude could be caused by her age and outside experience. Do you have any adult toys? Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) Hi Looking, am really sorry to see you here. I know that right now you are on a roller coaster ride that you never wanted to be on. However, the sooner you regain control of your emotions the better it will be for the final outcome of this sordid story to be in your favour. Firstly, ads others will also tell you, do not blame yourself or let your WW blame you for any of what has happened. Secondly, the sooner you start acting like a man in control of your situation and yourself, the sooner will your wife regain her respect for you. Thirdly, let's be very clear. Unless you take proactive steps to make your wife bear the consequences of her actions, she is not going to come fully to her senses. Remember, she is used to getting her which, her 'fix' from all the exchange of her nude photos and sexting that she was doing. As others will tell you this was her drug of choice. Suddenly this has been stopped in it's tracks but she has not had time to be weaned off her addiction( It is an addiction) and she will be suffering withdrawal symptoms possibly leading her back into the trap that she created for herself. The only way she is going to be weaned off this addiction is when she faces cold hard consequences for her behaviour and despicable actions. Your path forward is clear. Do not be woolly headed about how you are going to treat her in the immediate aftermath of your discovery of her transgressions. The first step would be for you to ask her to send supervised NC communications to all her internet partners. Fourthly, ask her to give you the complete truth about who and how many men she was in contact with, the complete time line and if possible all the stuff she has exchanged with them. Fifthly, she has to give you access to all her social media sources including passwords and access to her phone and computer. If she has email accounts you must know the IDs and passwords. Sixthly, if she was attending a gym on a regular basis she may have hooked up with a guy/ guys there and may have been having PAs with them. You will have to investigate that angle and find out what you can. Seventhly, ask for a Polygraph test which she must agree to. Eightly, ask her to leave and go stay with her parents or a sibling( Not on her own alone as she may start meeting men there) and attend IC starting immediately. Does you wife work? If so she may have someone at the workplace too. Guess others will also pitch in and give you more advice. However, the fundamental point here is that you have to take the reins in your hands immediately and not let go. Even if you want to save your marriage and reconcile with your wife this is the minimum that you will have to do to get back her respect for you because, like it or not, at the moment she does not respect you. If she does not respect you then you will never, I repeat NEVER, recover your marriage and reconcile with your wife. Anything else she offers you will be false reconciliation which will come tumbling down at any time in the near future. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes. Edited February 15, 2017 by Just a Guy Link to post Share on other sites
brigitte 1 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 If someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat...why stop at just snap chat to blame, there's Facebook, Twitter, email, hotels, cars, phones themselves...apps don't matter Apps don't cheat: People cheat. (Sorry couldn't help myself.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lookingforanswers77 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 I'm not blaming any app, as I said it facilitated the actions. I confronted about a polygraph and with zero hesitation she retorted she would do one if it would help ease my mind on Thinking there was a physical relationship. She told me again the story of what has transpired. As I looked at the notes I've been taking nothing has changed. Normally stories change to cover up lies, the snowball affect. I don't trust her but I'm starting to think she's not liying this time. I'm very confused still but I don't want our marriage to fall apart any more. The lines has been drawn, she knows that there will be no working any more if any flags or as I call them elephants appear. Link to post Share on other sites
brigitte 1 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I'm not blaming any app, as I said it facilitated the actions. I confronted about a polygraph and with zero hesitation she retorted she would do one if it would help ease my mind on Thinking there was a physical relationship. She told me again the story of what has transpired. As I looked at the notes I've been taking nothing has changed. Normally stories change to cover up lies, the snowball affect. I don't trust her but I'm starting to think she's not liying this time. I'm very confused still but I don't want our marriage to fall apart any more. The lines has been drawn, she knows that there will be no working any more if any flags or as I call them elephants appear. She might not be lying this time but..so what? Think of what else you could be doing with your life other than playing detective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I wonder if this is a start of a trend. Two threads here on the subject and one elsewhere, and lookingfor knows two other guys so that makes 5 in less then a month where sexting but no EA or PA didn't know the guys. All the other threads involving sexting where with APs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lookingforanswers77 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 I'm sorry I don't know your abbreviations ap and such Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I wonder if this is a start of a trend. Two threads here on the subject and one elsewhere, and lookingfor knows two other guys so that makes 5 in less then a month where sexting but no EA or PA didn't know the guys. All the other threads involving sexting where with APs. I kind of feel like this would be all too easy to do. I'm not really doubting it's possible that this happens fairly frequently. Link to post Share on other sites
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