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riskylife1979

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riskylife1979

Hello- I am new member to this forum. I am really very devastated and don't know what to do .. the person whom i love the most is saying now he is num and dont want to commit anything to me as he sees no future. I am so lost that i dont know what to do.. check my phone 100000 times to see if he called or messaged even.. any guidance would help!! Please don't judge me.. please

here is my story.

 

We both work in the same company. I know him for last 2 years, we were very good friends. 9 months back me and my husband got separated, we had many issues between us and hence I moved into an apartment. I have filed for Divorce now. No kids in my marriage.

 

My BF is married with 2 kids, when we started talking to each other 2 years ago.. we were just very good friends. But after Jimmy (my ex) and I separated My BF and I became very close friends. He and his wife are not at all compatible and he was living a dead marriage. This I knew ever since we met… I gave him advise on how to speak up and do what is right in life and don’t be a doormat all the time. Heard and listened to some of his wife’s and his conversation as well.. very sad and hard to see girls can do and say such things.

 

However… June 28th, he called me from a parking lot and said he is attracted to me .. I got super mad at him and disconnected the phone. For 2 days. I didn’t talked to him.. but eventually realized I really liked or love him as well. So we met the next day and I told him I have the same feelings for him . But we decided since he has kids we will wait 11 years for his kids to grow and be together. Together for me was being married but it was not the case with him just realized that. However we started seeing each other almost daily, phone calls and all.. and we became very close. He and I had the same vision we wanted to dedicate our life together to Krishna and be settled in India after his kids were grown. I never thought of anything Maa.. just went with all the things.. I am very close to my mother… after 4 months I shared this with my mother and he also spoke to my mother about our relationship. And my mom asked him why wait if you have decided to live your life with my daughter..

 

 

God’s play.. it happened that after he spoke with my mother 2 days later a big fight happened with his wife and him .. and he decided to tell his wife and his parents all the things about us. The fight between them happened for kids not for us..but he took that as an opportunity to tell everyone the Truth. He is a very honest guy.. I heard the whole conversation and it went terribly wrong in his family… all jumped on him for cheating his wife.. and no one talked about how he and his wife had so many issues… However since November 28th he walked out of the house.. and till this date have not gone home back yet.

 

November through January he stayed at my place .. he wanted to rent an apartment but he is the only one earning in the family so I told him to stay in my apartment and I every other day moved to my sisters place. No one in my family knows about this.

 

As we started living close.. he admitted that he miss his kids a lot.. and he cried a lot .. I told him than to go back to his wife and settle things . As now I came second in his life. His wife since November never allowed him to see the kids or even talk to them. His wife wants him back irrespective that he had a relation. All this time to me .. he said he will work things out. He was/is in a very bad situation. But for me he became my whole world.. my day starts and ends with him. He knows that I truly love him more than he does. Early January he told me .. he is not sure whether he wants to be with as his parents and entire family is against us and all.. very heart broken.. I decided to go to India for some time… I have a team in Bangalore so thought to work from B’lore office for some time. However he messaged me and he also came to India.. when he came he told me he loves me very much but there are so many uncertainties and he cant commit me anything. We went to couple of temple together in south india.. as we spent time together he told me he will try.. and try.. after a week he was suppose to meet his parents and family in India.. I told him its going to be very grilling and I said I am not sure what is going to happen after that.

 

Happened as predicted. .. anyways.. now he is saying.. we had a realtion.. he cant commit anything to me and don’t want me to wait for him. He has not gone to his wife as well.. rented an apartment . He said in 6 months if my wife don’t allow me to see the kids.. he will go back to Chennai and live with his parents forvever. Also if his wife gives him divorcee he said his mother don’t want him to marry again.. and he will live for sometime alone for few years. He said his love and feelings are true.. but he cant break any relationship so soon.. he was not ready for all this to happen soo soon. He is back from India , somewhat in a zombie state but he is not ready to commit to me anything.

 

For me he is my world.. he knows that I love and care for him more than he does… .. lot of emotions running as I write.. I come from a mother who is saint.. since childhood we have grown up with saints and prayers. I have disappointed my mother the most… But STILL I love and care this guy the most… I want us to be together. He said and acted very truthfully .. so why he is now just changing the track is what I am not able to take.

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You mourn your loss and get on with your life. he has told you that his family will not accept you, and that is more important to him than being with you.

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And you know that saying his South Indian family doesn't accept you means a lot more than in other places in the world. It means that he would have to separate himself form them for you. Do you really think that could happen?

 

You need to get help to forget him. Try to see a therapist and read things about relationships and marriage that are based in professional observation. Don't romanticize this relationship but try to start the process of living your life with a decent, realistic future..

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riskylife1979

Its all over. He will never leave anyone for me thats the truth... he gave so many promises and we did so many-things together until last day.. He is so cold on me .. we have stopped talking to each other.. its been 4 days now.. I told him the last we spoke to go back to his family and live a complete life. Its going to be hard on me but it is what it is.

 

What is really hurting me is... he has not called or messaged once.. even as a friend after that.. makes me think.. he was not serious to begin with or he just used me for his emotional needs.. I am very shattered.. i am seeing a counselor.. but you know some wounds takes ages to heal ..

 

Thank you for your message and reply. I appreciate .. to be honest.. i am so sad beyond words.

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Hi risky, are you a person of Indian origin or are you an American? I ask because depending on your ethnicity and that of your friend, a lot of things can be predicted. If your friend is from the South (India) and you are a white American then because of his rididly traditional and conservative background I can tell you that it would take a miracle for him to be able to overcome family prejudice to be with you. Even if you are of Indian ethnicity but have been born and brought up in the US that prejudice will prevail. The other thing is that you are a divorced woman. If your friend was from North India that would not be much of a problem as divorce has lost much of it's stigma in the North. However, in South India it is still a factor which matters. There is also the matter of caste. I guess you would be well served to start on a clean slate and lokk for someone who does'nt have the baggage of tradition and prejudice hanging around his neck like an albatross. Wishing you the best for the future and happy hunting.

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riskylife1979

Thank you for your message.!! Appreciate the words..

 

We both are Indian origin,settled in states for now 17 years. You are right he is from south India and i am from north India. Agree culture are different and his family is very very conservative and traditional. I have no hope nor any life left to be honest.

 

Its been now 2 weeks, he is acting so cold and careless. We are not even friends anymore.. what is heart breaking to me is .. he seems so careless.. he is still living alone and has not gone back to his family even. No matter what i do , his thought is haunting me.. my family is very well aware of the entire situation as well. Still nothing seems to be helping at this point.

 

Sorry to vent and write a depressive email.

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Hi risky, sorry to know you are so hung up on this guy. Is it possible for you to change your job so that you do not have to see him everyday? Maybe that is one reason you are not able to get over him. To break that hold he has over you, you will have to change things around and the best way is to change your job. If that is not possible ask for a transfer to some other location.

 

Are you still located in Bangalore or have you gone back to the US? If still in India maybe you could move to Chennai or Hyderabad or wherever your company has offices. If in the US the best is to change jobs so that you avoid seeing him physically everyday. You should also cultivate a new group of friends with whom you can move around so that you get a fresh perspective on things. Best of all, involve yourself in activities that will take your mind off your beau. Physical activity like going to a gym or taking yoga classes or going on hikes could help. Do you have any hobbies? They and get involved in one if you do not have any specific thing in mind. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

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riskylife1979

I am back in states, we don’t see each other at all. He works in a different department and sits on different floor. See sometimes it’s not about how many time you see the person or you have to see them ifor a relationship … when you love someone you just do. It just flows regardless of the person being around you or not. However to your point, I am very actively looking for other opportunities ..no interviews yet but I a applying crazily as well. I have never worked in India, so don’t know recruiting agencies out there, but would love to work from India for some time and see if/how I like it. Monster India and naukri.com are the portals I am looking at and applying for.

 

Don’t want to make friends, not in state to meet or hang out with anyone. I am trying to meet my sister every other day for dinner, but there too a silence pervades. Time heals.. is what they say.. hope it will heal me as well. Move on from who ..? is the question that I am not able to answer myself.. I have joined a gym last week, so far have been there twice. I like to drive and run.. have been doing both. Problem is he liked both too and we use to run together a lot..

 

He messaged me this morning saying… “please take care of yourself, in August you buy me a camera and I will take pictures for rest of my life.( his birthday is in august) . My wife and I are dealing with each other for now. I have decided not to go back for now but I don’t know how long will that survive” – I said to him you do what is needed , that’s all. Sadly in so many years this was the person who showed me many colors of life .. it’s hard but I am sure God has some plan ..

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Hi risky, good to know you are taking some proactive steps to recover. Time is a great healer. As Harry says, no contact over a period of time will help you heal. From what you have written it seems you are an IT professional or could be a Finance type too. Both professions have a lot of possibilities. Best wishes.

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He will more than likely go back to his wife and kids. It is not good to stay in contact because it will prevent you from healing. It is best to go NC and stay that way. You cannot go from being lovers to friends.

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He messaged me this morning saying… “please take care of yourself, in August you buy me a camera and I will take pictures for rest of my life.( his birthday is in august) . My wife and I are dealing with each other for now. I have decided not to go back for now but I don’t know how long will that survive” .

 

This sounds manipulative and also a bit creepy.

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I'm sorry for your pain but I'm a blunt person so I'm going to be blunt okay?

 

1. Stop referring to him as your boyfriend. He's not your boyfriend, he's someone else's husband.

 

2. His family has every right to be upset at him for cheating on his wife (and kids see it as cheating on THEM too). No matter what problems there are in a marriage, you get divorced FIRST before starting another relationship.

 

3. Men with children don't tend to think clearly about the consequences of leaving until they actually leave and don't get to see their kids, and realize they're weekend dads and they're missing out on their kids lives. When they realize this, they weigh their options. They can try again to fix their marriage and really put in the effort (instead of just having an affair) and be a part of their children's lives in the way they want...that is usually the better option for them than running off with someone (which sounds nice but....consequences).

 

4. You will never be free if you keep talking to him. Everything he says means NOTHING when he's still married. Cut him out completely. If and only if he actually gets divorced (papers signed and filed and official), if you think he's worth having in your life then pursue it.

 

I know its hard, it always is. But he's not yours. He belongs to someone else (emotionally of course, no one is actual property). You are capable of finding someone single.... focus on YOU and on that.

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riskylife1979

Its hard but truth is truth.! Thank you for your messages and comments. I appreciate it all!!

 

Yes.. i have no right anymore. I agree and i really truly wants him to go back to his family for his kids . i do..!

 

Changed my phone number today.. i have mixed feelings about my own-self right now.. guilty being prominent one.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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riskylife1979

" I dumped you" - not proud of it but i did. Latest email got from him. Last thing anyone i think want to hear...i think truly deserve this comment. I know NC but email is what i read.

 

Not sure really what exactly to do ... have been sitting in one position for more than 5 hours just looking at a blank wall. So num that i dont know how loud should i cry.. i dont know even why i am writing here.

 

It hurts.!! It does...

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