more cr@p from the ow

[wmacbride]

So I got a Facebook message form my husband's ex-ow.

 

She said she wanted to let me know she was a new mother and is married ( included a photo of her and her husband and new baby). I can't say that I am unhappy about her life situation ( I actually don't care), but the second part was the kicker . She included the closing line that explained how she's happy, in spite of what I and my spouse did to her.

 

She is blocked from seeing my social media, but I foolishly figured that after almost 10 years, she'd have moved on. After all, the A didn't even last six weeks, she is a serial ow and I know she found comfort elsewhere between then and now.

 

I put up with so much crap from her, and it got to a point where the legal system became involved. She still wouldn't leave me alone, and she finally ended up being demoted and posted to a base on the west coast because of it. This was after many warnings to stop.

 

I had hr blocked on Facebook, and when I saw I had a message, I opened it not thinking it would be from her. She'd set up a new account, which I've reported.

 

I think I'm just going to let it go this time. I 'm thinking that what she wants is a big reaction, so she can whine about how she's being persecuted, but I am not going to give her that. Also, from what she said, she also a mom now, and I don't want to do anything that would disrupt her children's lives, as they didn't ask for any of this. The irony is that, just like all of her other attempts to come between us, this one backfired, as my h and I have spoken about it and it brought us even closer.

 

 

This is mostly just venting, and while it's my spouse's fault she is in our lives in the first place, her current behavior is not his fault. I told her before I hope she gets some help, as she needs it. In her case, I doubt her behavior has anything to do with my former wh ( I don't see him as a wayward husband anymore) and her feelings for him. From what I understand, she had a tough childhood, and I don't think she likes other women very much. She sees them as competition, and in her mind, I "won", not just because my marriage survived, but because I haven't lashed out at her and tried my best to be kind to her in the beginning.

 

After I found out about the A, I told her that I didn't blame, her and I hoped she could go on to find someone single and have a happy life with them. I called for help when she told me she was going to hurt herself. I could have reported her harassment to the of me and my children tot he police, and she would have lost her job altogether and been treated to a trip to Edmonton. I didn't do any of that. Any negative fallout for her came about because she got caught by her WO, and the chain of command took over.

 

One part of me feels really bad for her, and having a rough childhood is terrible. I don't wish that on anyone. Another part of me is angry at her, and a teeny tiny part loathes her, as much as I hate to admit that.

 

I know the common consensus is that I should let that feeling go, and I should forgive her. I thought I had a long time ago, but every time she pops her head up ( she reminds me of one of those "whack a Mole" machines) it comes back.

[Popsicle]

I don't even get why she contacted you. I'm sorry she continues to invade your life. I don't have FB, is there a way to block her messages?

[wmacbride]

I don't even get why she contacted you. I'm sorry she continues to invade your life. I don't have FB, is there a way to block her messages?

 

I thought I had, but she just made a new account.

 

Really, I think she's deluded herself into believing she's a victim, and she loves the drama of that. If I don't feed into that, I'm hoping she'll move on.

 

btw, thanks for the support:)

[Doorstopper]

You could use the the term mental illness but given what she has put you through over the last 10 years, bat$hit crazy is more appropriate.

 

I expect, that you may hear from her again, in the future.

[Birdies]

I'm sorry this is still a presence in your life after so long. I think the best advice would be similar to what I'm getting - just ignore it and rise above. She wants to get a rise out of you and/or validation for her victimhood - don't give it to her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

block her again....and no response is the best response.

 

If you respond...it acknowledges her existence....and quite honestly...she is dead to you.

 

Sorry this happened...I know it blew your mind.... but you owe her nothing....absolutely nothing...nor do you care what happens to her.

 

DEAD...she is dead

[CaliforniaGirl]

Did "to her"?

 

She's the one who you-know-whatted your husband...right?

 

I feel for her husband, that ten years on, she's still thinking of a man she used to be with, enough so to seek out that man's wife and try to rub something into her (your) face. I actually really do feel sorry, reading that. She has been in pain like this for ten years? She needs to deal. This woman is in some serious pain.

 

My mother-in-law divorced my father-in-law in 1973 (yes, seriously) AND STILL makes digs about him, STILL, even after she remarried twice. He didn't cheat on her or anything - he was distant (that I can definitely see; he's distant with us too), uninvolved and was always at work, often napping or just reading or whatever (my husband witnessed this many times going "to work" with his father - the man was obviously just avoiding being with the family). I can see being bitter that this is how one's marriage turned out but seriously. Nearly half a century later, to still be in pain and vengeful anger...it boggles the mind.

 

That's kind of what I'm seeing here, only 1/5 of the time compared to MIL...but still.

 

People need to deal with their pain and move on.

[sandylee1]

Her message just shows she's still not over it. She's married, she's a mum and she still feels the need to act like a victim, despite the party she played.

 

Many people would have let her go ahead and harm herself back then, but you didn't and yet still she rears her ugly head again.

 

Ignore her. She should be spending her time and energy on her children and hopefully raise them to have better morals and make better choices than she did.

[BTDT2012]

Crickets is the best response. The evil side of me wishes you could send the message to her husband.

[Starswillshine]

10 years later and she is still contacting you? That is sad on so many levels. I thought the ow in our case was off her rocker for her crazy and it'seems only been 6 months.

 

I always love how us, bs, somehow become the bad guy. The vilians. Hilarious.

[seren]

wmacbride, your experience is so much like mine, the OW was still trying to poke me into a reaction some 9 yrs after the A ended, she worked for a government organisation, so every time we moved or changed numbers and had to notify the department she knew and would pop up like measles. I used to feel sorry for her, but that soon faded after a few of her more nasty stunts, like you I tried to help her in the beginning, but it made no difference. I often wondered why she kept going for me, it was like she became fixated on me, I moved over 650 miles so I wouldn't bump into her as I couldn't guarantee my reaction after her weird actions.

 

Like you, I and H are reconciled, the affair is a scar on our marriage, but one we accept as part of its history. It is always a mystery to me why any ex's think their contact is welcomed, always seems like an overinflated sense of self to me. One of my H's ex-girlfriends contacted him via facebook after over 30 yrs had passed, when he didn't respond she took to calling him a coward, like a challenge would get his attention. I just wrote back and said he wouldn't reply, it was a joint account and that if she wanted any questions answered I would do it once, she skittered away and we haven't heard from her since.

 

If the XOW got in touch I would be tempted to forward it to her husband, but would also be wary of opening a can of worms that had been long closed and maybe she just wants a reaction. I hate that we BS are often portrayed as passive, broken people, I often see it here and elsewhere and think that is so far from who and what we are, to survive infidelity and come out sane we are the strongest people I know. The feeling of wanting to react and retaliate can be so strong, but it would feed her needy personality. I would ignore, if it happens again, which I suspect it might, then let her H know, preferably your H to let her H know. I hope it doesn't cause any triggers. xxx

[NTV]

I'm really sorry I know you're venting in this thread... but.... if I got a message like that I would be laughing my butt off. Does that make me evil? <shrug>

 

I'm also the type of guy that threw a rock at a beehive. It would have been really hard for me not to respond with something like " your poor husband... he doesn't know what he got into does he?" Lol

[gettingstronger]

Dang! We're 4 years out and I got my "it's a holiday" hang up call from our OW. Every holiday, including July 4th, our birthdays, her birthday, when our teams play each other in any sport, etc.

 

Annoying as heck, right?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm really sorry I know you're venting in this thread... but.... if I got a message like that I would be laughing my butt off. Does that make me evil? <shrug>

 

I'm also the type of guy that threw a rock at a beehive. It would have been really hard for me not to respond with something like " your poor husband... he doesn't know what he got into does he?" Lol

 

 

I'm with you on this one, NTV.

[whichwayisup]

Crickets is the best response. The evil side of me wishes you could send the message to her husband.

 

Was thinking the same thing but it's just not worth it. She's messed up and has a skewed way of remembering how things went down. And she still blames you both for her pain which is unbelievable. The blame goes to her and your husband, not you at all!

 

Instead of using the term 'forgive her' try to 'make peace' with her. Bit of a difference.

 

Don't bother replying either it'll just feed her ego and she'll go on a power trip and probably continue to contact you.

[whichwayisup]

Dang! We're 4 years out and I got my "it's a holiday" hang up call from our OW. Every holiday, including July 4th, our birthdays, her birthday, when our teams play each other in any sport, etc.

 

Annoying as heck, right?

 

Why not change your number? That's awful that she still does that, talk about not being able to let go. Pretty sad.

[gettingstronger]

Why not change your number? That's awful that she still does that, talk about not being able to let go. Pretty sad.[/quote

 

Work phones, even if we change our numbers the new number is easily found through Google.

[merrmeade]

I don't know if this helps you, but your story is really, really helpful for me. For the longest time, I could truly not believe that the OW(s) were so deluded because I knew each one and was confused about why they were unfriendly. It was hard for me to understand what delusion and entitlement look like.

 

Your husband's OW seems as entrenched in that extreme delusional thinking as anyone could be. Her entire world view—past, present and future—and, therefore, her sanity depend on the verisimilitude of the reality she's invented.

 

So if she can do it and develop the fantasy to such an evil extent, I can more easily stifle the compulsion to think the OWs in my life could be normal. They can't unless they're willing and able to completely reframe the references they've created to justify what they did. It's easier to think we're part of the reason they suffered and they need to twist whatever we might do or say to fit in with the perspective they can live with.

 

That's why you can never assume she's 'better' and it's safe to relax your guard. No. The personality disorder she's had to refine in order to live with herself will explode if she has to change her perception of reality. I hope it's not too complicated but am of the opinion you'll always have to do it.

[Art_Critic]

You can set FB to only receive messages from friends on your friends list.

At least she would never be able to contact you again thru FB.

[ShatteredLady]

My H's OW 'reached-out' a couple of times a year for over 12 YEARS but then he responded & within a couple of messages asked her to set-up a secret account. The EA lasted for about 9 months.

 

Does this reset the clock? Do I have this to look forward to for another decade? Sometimes I think I'm 'over-it' but I still trigger if he's quiet & looking at his phone/tablet. I'm terrified that it never ends.

 

She seems incapable of maintaining (other) long term relationships, even with family or friends so it's not like she's going to meet someone & get over it. She's artificially inseminated with 2 children.

 

Bad few days....

[wmacbride]

Thanks for the replies everyone. they are all appreciated.

 

I don't think that the ow is mentally ill,but she does seem to have sort sort of personality issue.

 

I haven't heard anything more from her, and I'm hoping that by ignoring her, she'll go away. At least she hasn't started with the " i'm going to hurt myself and it will be your fault" crap. Let he rnew H look after her. Not my horse to keep in the barn.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replies everyone. they are all appreciated.

 

I don't think that the ow is mentally ill,but she does seem to have sort sort of personality issue.

 

I haven't heard anything more from her, and I'm hoping that by ignoring her, she'll go away. At least she hasn't started with the " i'm going to hurt myself and it will be your fault" crap. Let he rnew H look after her. Not my horse to keep in the barn.

 

Regardless if she's mentally ill or just a cruel person who enjoys messing in your lives, she certainly doesn't care about hurting you, blaming you or creating drama. She's heartless and karma will bite her one day.

[whichwayisup]

My H's OW 'reached-out' a couple of times a year for over 12 YEARS but then he responded & within a couple of messages asked her to set-up a secret account. The EA lasted for about 9 months.

 

Does this reset the clock? Do I have this to look forward to for another decade? Sometimes I think I'm 'over-it' but I still trigger if he's quiet & looking at his phone/tablet. I'm terrified that it never ends.

 

She seems incapable of maintaining (other) long term relationships, even with family or friends so it's not like she's going to meet someone & get over it. She's artificially inseminated with 2 children.

 

Bad few days....

 

Hugs to you. I hope you get some better days soon.

[merrmeade]

Thanks for the replies everyone. they are all appreciated.

 

I don't think that the ow is mentally ill,but she does seem to have sort sort of personality issue.

 

I haven't heard anything more from her, and I'm hoping that by ignoring her, she'll go away. At least she hasn't started with the " i'm going to hurt myself and it will be your fault" crap. Let he rnew H look after her. Not my horse to keep in the barn.

Yes, definitely a personality disorder. That's what I described. Isn't the fulcrum of a personality disorder redefining reality? Everything that happens fits into their distorted interpretation and that includes their AP's family.

 

Anyway, you seem to understand her particular way of interpreting the world. But you just need to make sure she interprets clearly the importance of leaving you alone - imo.

[wmacbride]

Yes, definitely a personality disorder. That's what I described. Isn't the fulcrum of a personality disorder redefining reality? Everything that happens fits into their distorted interpretation and that includes their AP's family.

 

Anyway, you seem to understand her particular way of interpreting the world. But you just need to make sure she interprets clearly the importance of leaving you alone - imo.

 

Actually, I can't understand her way of thinking at all. She had even gone as far as to send me emails after their A was over saying that she wanted her and I to be friends, and she said I could always talk to her about my M and she could give advice.

 

That makes no sense.

 

My husband and i were talking about the situation last night, and I was getting more and more ticked off. He finally ended up at her, while trying not to do so. He pointed out to me how I'm stressing myself out about trying to be understanding of her, and it might be better for me to just allow myself to be angry at the situation for a little while.

 

he's right It is so much less stressful. It actually feels really good. I'm still ignoring her, and she can go on to harass someone else. Her spouse knows what she's like ( she's eared herself a reputation that follows her from base to base) and he married her anyway.