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Can a marriage still heal after an affair if the BS only wants to know the basics of the affair? I know for myself I wanted to know everything and I actually think I asked too many questions and got answers that I should have left. I am wondering what others think, if the BS just wants the basics, how long, who, PA or EA or both? In affair recovery disclosure is very important, but there is also the school of thought that the BS gets to choose what they want to know.

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Can a marriage still heal after an affair if the BS only wants to know the basics of the affair?

 

Is your thought that unless the BS wants to know every gory detail and spicy tidbit, they're not fully vested in the marriage or recovery effort?

 

Each person is different. I give credit to those who know up front they can't handle the unedited version...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Everyone is different. Some people need to know exactly what they are "forgiving" in order to heal, and for some, just the broad strokes are enough. Whichever category a BS falls into though, it is important that they are the ones driving the bus.

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I need/needed every detail. When, what did you do, who paid, what was said, what did you disclose about us, and some sex stuff (not the play by play, but higher level details).

 

Is it the right answer? I have no idea. It's the right answer for me. I'm a highly sexual person, and I picture myself in an A pushing every limit. I also picture A sex as incredibly intense, a picture that, at least in my case, was not really in line with reality. My mind's picture is worse than the reality, almost without a doubt. So I need the real details to back it down from "mind altering uber sex" to "it was sex, there were good and bad parts to it" (which, of course, is more the real answer).

 

Will I struggle with the details? Yeah, I will. Especially things that happened with the AP that we've never done or we don't do regularly. But there's no way I could heal without that information.

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When someone chooses half the story, it's either they really just want that info while others are , as defense mechanism, trying to hope that they will be fine be with it. The people who choose latter, most of the times take longer to heal as eventually they want to know the rest.

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Is your thought that unless the BS wants to know every gory detail and spicy tidbit, they're not fully vested in the marriage or recovery effort?

 

Each person is different. I give credit to those who know up front they can't handle the unedited version...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not at all. I have heard people say that can be a form of rug sweeping. Ias I said there are a few things that I wish I hadn't asked.

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Mrs. John Adams

Just because a person may not want details today... does not mean they will never want them.

 

Each of us has to process things in our own way. So perhaps this person will ask more questions later...or maybe they truly will never want details.

 

Healing is not always based on how many details we have... it is based on how we process the pain we feel... how we see our future...

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Not at all. I have heard people say that can be a form of rug sweeping. Ias I said there are a few things that I wish I hadn't asked.

 

As a BS, it's my rug so I get to decide what fits under it. I might be in the minority but the only important fact to me was that my WS had slept with someone else. Whether oral, anal, animal or interstellar sex was involved mattered little to me. Certainly, others feel differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

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As a BS, it's my rug so I get to decide what fits under it. I might be in the minority but the only important fact to me was that my WS had slept with someone else. Whether oral, anal, animal or interstellar sex was involved mattered little to me. Certainly, others feel differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I never asked for the details of their sexual activity; that's mind movies I don't need. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

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It is for the BS to control how much they get told. So some only want to

know that the affair is over, there is NC and the WS is not going to leave

them. Then the BS that has to know everything to the smallest detail. And

everything means not just sex but everything said, done, went, in short

the 5 W's and how must be answered. And then there are people that can be

anywhere in between these two extremes.

 

 

The WS's place is to let the BS control the level of detail revealed and to

not trickle truth, lie, omit, leave out details, sanitize, do damage control,

put a spin on it.

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Not at all. I have heard people say that can be a form of rug sweeping. Ias I said there are a few things that I wish I hadn't asked.

 

 

And I never got answers to somethings things I asked - or they dribbled in over long periods of time.

 

Which is worse ?

 

Dont know...it sucks either way.

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And I never got answers to somethings things I asked - or they dribbled in over long periods of time.

 

Which is worse ?

 

Dont know...it sucks either way.

 

It does for sure!

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Well I'm in complete shock and feeling disgusted and completely disappointed. My H had a 4 month affair in 2013. I thought we reconciled. It turns out that he did completely ditch that MOW. However, I found out that he found another MOW and had an 9 month affair with her. I caught him because he left a video he made for her while he was away on business in his phone.

I had his phone because mine died, so he left his with me and he used his work cell. He claims there is something wrong with him and has started IC. Last time our marriage was broken and I had a lot to do with that, not this time, I was a great wife and I know I have no part in his choice. He is begging for me to let him show me he can change and be the man he has promised to be (barf). He is the model husband again and has ended it fully with her.

I just don't think I have it me to try again or the desire to do so. We have been together for 20 years so I can't just jump into either option. I'm so angry and devastated at the same time.

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The chances of a serial cheater stopping their cheating ways are about as good as a leopard that says it will change its spots.

 

So decide if you are better off with him continuing to cheat or better off without him.

 

I think either choice is valid depending upon your individual circumstances. Just don't hold out for the impossible: being with him and having him be faithful.

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The chances of a serial cheater stopping their cheating ways are about as good as a leopard that says it will change its spots.

 

So decide if you are better off with him continuing to cheat or better off without him.

 

I think either choice is valid depending upon your individual circumstances. Just don't hold out for the impossible: being with him and having him be faithful.

 

Yeah, I see that for sure. It's so bizarre, he was completely faithful for 17 years then in the last three it's like I don't know him anymore in regards to this.

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He is the model husband again and has ended it fully with her.

 

Red123, I'm sure you've thought of this angle, but this is two times...that you know about.

 

Someone seemingly as committed to cheating as your H is probably has multiple irons in the fire. You've happened to stumble across two of them.

 

If you stay (and like Confused48, don't think people should judge you), at least be realistic about what you're signing up for. You're the closed half of an open marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think it is time for you to change, fire his a$$ as your husband. He's begging you to stay married to him yet all he has shown you is more deception. His mouth is saying he wants to stay married but his actions are that he wants to be single. Believe his actions. Do not even consider reconciliation without a brutal postnuptial agreement that gives you at least 80% of all assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Have him move out or at least move him out of the bedroom until you decide what it is that you want. Get tested.

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Red123, I'm sure you've thought of this angle, but this is two times...that you know about.

 

Someone seemingly as committed to cheating as your H is probably has multiple irons in the fire. You've happened to stumble across two of them.

 

If you stay (and like Confused48, don't think people should judge you), at least be realistic about what you're signing up for...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have thought about that for sure. I found out out about this in November and I have had someone I know, in the business, completely investigate him. Only the two were found. One was too many so it really doesn't matter at this point.

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I think it is time for you to change, fire his a$$ as your husband. He's begging you to stay married to him yet all he has shown you is more deception. His mouth is saying he wants to stay married but his actions are that he wants to be single. Believe his actions. Do not even consider reconciliation without a brutal postnuptial agreement that gives you at least 80% of all assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Have him move out or at least move him out of the bedroom until you decide what it is that you want. Get tested.

 

Been tested, he's out of the bedroom already. That's pretty much what I said to him. It appears that you want to be single, I said if you want other women say it, but you can't have me too. I can't figure out why he wants to stay. Our kids are older, we don't have major assets, I wouldn't screw him for anything and he knows that. I just don't understand.

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whichwayisup
Well I'm in complete shock and feeling disgusted and completely disappointed. My H had a 4 month affair in 2013. I thought we reconciled. It turns out that he did completely ditch that MOW. However, I found out that he found another MOW and had an 9 month affair with her. I caught him because he left a video he made for her while he was away on business in his phone.

I had his phone because mine died, so he left his with me and he used his work cell. He claims there is something wrong with him and has started IC. Last time our marriage was broken and I had a lot to do with that, not this time, I was a great wife and I know I have no part in his choice. He is begging for me to let him show me he can change and be the man he has promised to be (barf). He is the model husband again and has ended it fully with her.

I just don't think I have it me to try again or the desire to do so. We have been together for 20 years so I can't just jump into either option. I'm so angry and devastated at the same time.

 

One affair is forgivable, having a second one..Is not.

 

I'm sorry that he chose to do this to you again. Not sure how one can trust again after already going through it once.

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whichwayisup
Been tested, he's out of the bedroom already. That's pretty much what I said to him. It appears that you want to be single, I said if you want other women say it, but you can't have me too. I can't figure out why he wants to stay. Our kids are older, we don't have major assets, I wouldn't screw him for anything and he knows that. I just don't understand.

 

Probably because he's scared to be ON his own and be alone which is why he still wants to be married to you. He likes the life he's built with you but doesn't respect it enough or you to stay faithful.

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One affair is forgivable, having a second one..Is not.

 

I'm sorry that he chose to do this to you again. Not sure how one can trust again after already going through it once.

 

That's pretty much how I feel. I can't see feeling safe again in my marriage. I know people do it but I just can't see how

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Probably because he's scared to be ON his own and be alone which is why he still wants to be married to you. He likes the life he's built with you but doesn't respect it enough or you to stay faithful.

 

I'm sure he does. I like our life too and I'm so pissed that I am in a position to have to choose to leave it because he is a conflict avoidant mess.

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whichwayisup
That's pretty much how I feel. I can't see feeling safe again in my marriage. I know people do it but I just can't see how

 

How old is he? With the kids older and it just being the two of you, it's possible he's had a mid life crisis and obviously made some really awful choices. Has he told you why he felt the need to go outside of the marriage, not once but twice? Why he would risk hurting you (again) and knowing that the chances were going to be high that you'd kick him out and divorce him?

 

No decision has to be made right now, just know that whatever your choice is don't be pressured into it by him or anybody else.

 

Do your kids know about his affairs?

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I'm so sorry. My H had two affairs as well, they were 12 or so years apart though. I can't imagine so close together after he'd been faithful for so long. It must be deveststing. Mid life crisis?

 

You don't have to make a decision now. No one will judge you either way. I understand staying, as I have. And I wouldn't blame you if you left.

 

But a separation is proudly surely in order. He needs to move out completely and get some help for himself, on his own, and take some initiative Figure out what the hell is wrong with him.

 

Take care of you right now. I know it's hard. I'm so sorry.

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