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Lost in Affair


ConInLA

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Hi all,

I am new to this thread. I have been reading them for awhile, hoping to read something that would finally help me get out of this affair. I have been having an affair with an ex co-worker for a little over 4 months now. I am married, a mother of two, and in my late 20's. I have really been struggling with stopping it. It's exactly how a poster stated on here: the pain that comes after stopping the affair is so unbearable and instead of dealing with that pain, you would just rather keep on with the affair. I got into this affair because I was feeling lost in life and disconnected from my spouse. I felt I needed something to escape the sadness of my reality, and I mistakenly thought an affair would help! Me and my AP don't have any strong romantic feelings for each other because we both understand the complicated nature of this situation. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I initiated the affair. We both have tried to stop it around 4 times now but we still somehow end up right back where we started. Sometimes I wonder why he can't stop either because he is an attractive single man, who should have a buffet of options! That and I am not an easy woman, I am demanding. With that said, I think about this man ALL day lately. I know it isn't love, so I find it irritating that this man and this amazing sex that we have is consuming my thoughts this much. I just don't know what to do. I do want to stop, but the thought of never being with him again is just to much for me currently. I am not ready for NC with him but I do want so badly to stop before things get messy. We really are in dangerous territory. The sex just keeps getting better and he has mentioned that he is now "making love" to me. When pressed upon this the next day, he just said he had no feelings to share and that he was keeping feelings out of it. He sends these mixed signals all the time. Says he's going to stop, and then when I back off, here he comes. Part of me, loves the challenge of having this single man break all of his rules and having him incapable of being able to stop being with me. It's sick! I do know that neither of us want to hurt each other. I just want out and just don't know how to get there. I do believe we care about each other because we are friends but I know that this is wrong and we need to stop. Does anyone have any tips on how I can do this? I am contemplating therapy because I know this road won't be easy, which is why if I could press rewind, I would never bring this havoc into my life. It truly has been negatively affecting my body, mind, and soul.

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ConInLA,

What you say you want is not being supported, in any way, shape or form, by your thoughts and actions. Until you get all these things in alignment, you will just keep making the same choices and decisions.

 

There is no 'quick fix' or 'magic cure' -- you need to mightily exert your power of will and your inner strength, courage and determination to set your priorities straight and to then do everything that must be done to fully and properly promote and support those self-desired priorities.

 

There just isn't any other way. That it's difficult and a challenge is beside the point; of course, it is also going to be that.

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Things are already messy...

 

The answer can only be found within yourself. Self reflection will help you to understand what has been missing in your life and in your marriage. The affair is a form of self-medication, a bandage that has distracted you from dealing with the difficult things in your life that you would rather ignore. The only problem is, the medication you have chosen is self destructive...

 

So yes, counselling would be a good place to start! It will take courage and strength, but you need to face the hard reality of the situation.

 

Make no mistake, you have made this decision and you will need to deal with the consequences of your decision. Unless you plan to end your marriage and stay with this man, you will need to end your affair and tell your husband.

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This is an addiction just like any other.

 

Want to stop for certain? Confess to your husband. That will break the fantasy bubble really quickly.

 

Therapy is probably a very good idea. You need support

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What is it that you're actually looking for in posting here? Unless you take concrete steps, you will find yourself right back in the affair.

 

In your case, the only way I see you getting out of this is blowing the whole thing wide open by coming clean to your husband. He deserves to know the true state of his marriage.

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ConInLA,

What you say you want is not being supported, in any way, shape or form, by your thoughts and actions. Until you get all these things in alignment, you will just keep making the same choices and decisions.

 

There is no 'quick fix' or 'magic cure' -- you need to mightily exert your power of will and your inner strength, courage and determination to set your priorities straight and to then do everything that must be done to fully and properly promote and support those self-desired priorities.

 

There just isn't any other way. That it's difficult and a challenge is beside the point; of course, it is also going to be that.

 

You're right Ronni_W. This is the area I struggle the most in....I seem to have lost all sense of self-control. I will say that the last time I tried to go NC, I really did give it my all. It's amazing how a simple text from someone can bring you right back into it.

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What is it that you're actually looking for in posting here? Unless you take concrete steps, you will find yourself right back in the affair.

 

In your case, the only way I see you getting out of this is blowing the whole thing wide open by coming clean to your husband. He deserves to know the true state of his marriage.

 

I have thought of this. But I know if I do this, he will never forgive me. It will break his heart and I don't want to do that to him because I do actually love him. I am just a complicated and broken person, who feels undeserving of this man's love. I know I don't deserve it actually, especially after what I have done. I'm not sure what I am looking for by posting here. Advice, really. The worst part of an affair is not having anyone to talk to about it.

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Things are already messy...

 

The answer can only be found within yourself. Self reflection will help you to understand what has been missing in your life and in your marriage. The affair is a form of self-medication, a bandage that has distracted you from dealing with the difficult things in your life that you would rather ignore. The only problem is, the medication you have chosen is self destructive...

 

So yes, counselling would be a good place to start! It will take courage and strength, but you need to face the hard reality of the situation.

 

Make no mistake, you have made this decision and you will need to deal with the consequences of your decision. Unless you plan to end your marriage and stay with this man, you will need to end your affair and tell your husband.

 

Yes, that is exactly all it is: a distraction. Funny enough, I know that I would never leave my husband for this man. I actually know that if I were currently single, I wouldn't even date him seriously or focus on him at all, which makes it even more mind-boggling that I just can't stop.

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This is an addiction just like any other.

 

Want to stop for certain? Confess to your husband. That will break the fantasy bubble really quickly.

 

Therapy is probably a very good idea. You need support

 

I am slowly recognizing that it is fact an addiction. This is my first time really dealing with anything of this matter because I don't have an addictive personality at all. I am trying. And as I told another person, confessing to my husband is not an option. I can't do it.

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You do realize that this affair you're in, thrives on the secrecy you are providing? You are addicted to the attention and distraction this situation provides- nothing more.

 

Be honest, you don't want to tell him because of the ramifications. You surely don't think about his feelings when you're having "amazing" sex with this man... when he supposedly "makes Love to you," correct?

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I seem to have lost all sense of self-control.

No; you're just choosing not to apply/exert/exercise your self-control.

Telling yourself that you've somehow 'lost' it is just a way to absolve yourself, and deflect your responsibility for your decisions and choices -- the poor judgment and mistakes that you already know within yourself you are making against yourself.

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You do realize that this affair you're in, thrives on the secrecy you are providing? You are addicted to the attention and distraction this situation provides- nothing more.

 

Be honest, you don't want to tell him because of the ramifications. You surely don't think about his feelings when you're having "amazing" sex with this man... when he supposedly "makes Love to you," correct?

 

Yes, I do realize that and no clearly I am not thinking of my husband at all in this situation. I just don't want to wreck my marriage and have to deal with the consequences of something that I honestly don't even think I will care about in a year. I actually am from the school of thinking that confessing this to my spouse, is even more selfish of me. I deserve to go through the guilt and pain of it alone. I don't think it's fair to transfer that to my undeserving spouse.

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I actually am from the school of thinking that confessing this to my spouse, is even more selfish of me.

 

Not at all surprised. This is what they call "self-preservation."

 

 

Look, I'm not here to bash you; just telling it like it is. Your marriage is already wrecked... you're depriving your husband of that crucial information though, because you're being selfish. I highly doubt this "situation" will end any time soon, so your flawed thinking "don't even think I will care about in a year," is a moot point. The longer you stay in this, the harder it will be to extract yourself from it. Then, it might very well blow up in your face.

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No; you're just choosing not to apply/exert/exercise your self-control.

Telling yourself that you've somehow 'lost' it is just a way to absolve yourself, and deflect your responsibility for your decisions and choices -- the poor judgment and mistakes that you already know within yourself you are making against yourself.

 

Yes, this is true. I actually never thought of this. I really do need to just let this go. For some reason, a part of me would just feel bad to block him and go no contact for the rest of my life. He always says that he wants to stay friends but I know that this door may just need to be closed completely. I rationalize staying friends with him because he is a career mentor to me and a friend but I also know that staying friendly with him isn't fair to my husband and that it will never let me heal.

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Jump Through Loops
I actually am from the school of thinking that confessing this to my spouse, is even more selfish of me. I deserve to go through the guilt and pain of it alone. I don't think it's fair to transfer that to my undeserving spouse.

 

And this why you're "broken".

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First, {{{{hugs}}}}

 

I've been where you are. And I've thought the things you thought. And AileD is right: confession is the quickest way to end those feelings, trust me.

 

Did you mention IC? I strongly suggest it if you haven't.

 

I've felt the same things you did: I deserve to carry the guilt of what I've done, but I asked my BH today, "Would you rather me tell you or if I had just kept my mouth shut and carried the guilt?" He instantly said, "I'd rather know."

 

And even though I will never, ever forget the look in my BH's eyes when I told him, deep down, I know I did the right thing.

 

You have to do what works best for you... but right now, your current way isn't working, right? It wasn't for me.

 

Good luck. And please know you aren't alone.

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PS... it's easy for people to sit behind a computer and judge on telling or not... but until they walk in your shoes, you have to do what's best for you and your family.

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Yes, I do realize that and no clearly I am not thinking of my husband at all in this situation. I just don't want to wreck my marriage and have to deal with the consequences of something that I honestly don't even think I will care about in a year. I actually am from the school of thinking that confessing this to my spouse, is even more selfish of me. I deserve to go through the guilt and pain of it alone. I don't think it's fair to transfer that to my undeserving spouse.

 

This (bolded statement) might be true if this were a one and done occurrence.

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Not at all surprised. This is what they call "self-preservation."

 

 

Look, I'm not here to bash you; just telling it like it is. Your marriage is already wrecked... you're depriving your husband of that crucial information though, because you're being selfish. I highly doubt this "situation" will end any time soon, so your flawed thinking "don't even think I will care about in a year," is a moot point. The longer you stay in this, the harder it will be to extract yourself from it. Then, it might very well blow up in your face.

 

Oh no, I actually find your blunt honesty helpful. This is an area that we will disagree in though: to confess or not. It is way more of a burden for me to carry this secret alone, so in actuality it would be better for my psyche to just dump all of these emotions on my husband. I feel like a fraud of a wife. Being that I am from a very religious upbringing, I am not even sure how I will ever forgive myself. I have completely abandoned my relationship with GOD because I feel like I am also undeserving of asking him for anything either.

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I don't think anyone was "judging." The right thing to do- as in your own case - was/is to give your SO the information he/she deserves as to the true state of the marriage, so they can make an informed decision. They don't deserve to be cheated-on , and they surely don't deserved being kept in the dark. They are living a lie.

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You can't stay friends with him, you just have to know that.

 

If you have any hope of moving forward and staying with your husband, you NEED to block him and go no contact.

 

And then, you need to find out why you were vulnerable to him. Because, if not him, it will be someone else...

 

You seem like a nice and intelligent woman. But, you are confused and obviously, very unhappy in life. You would really benefit from counselling, but only if you are willing to be vulnerable, accept responsibility for your decisions, and do the work to make yourself and your life better.

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As a BS I really couldn't express how I truly felt about my ExW affair. But a LS member hit the nail on the head.

 

This quote pertains to your husband. Because remember, you are destroying his life. You don't know it. But you are.

 

"Anytime I was told that the A had nothing to do with me, I took offense. Bc every single time they held hands, touched, kissed, had sex, smiled at each other, texted, talked, etc....every single one of those instances was a great big flip of the middle finger directed at me. It's not like they thought what they were doing was ok. They knew it was wrong...the ultimate betrayal. So yes, It had everything to do with me."

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And this why you're "broken".

 

What do you mean?? Are you saying that I will continue to feel broken until I confess?

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