We stopped before it's too late

[Eternal30]

It sucks when two person fall in love while one is already married.

 

I'm the married woman, he is single.

 

If you would call it emotional affair, then we were in one, but I feel it didn't really happen before we stopped it.

 

Because we realized we respect each other enough to not to make mistakes. I fell in love with him, but I started holding back because I knew I couldn't give him anything right now, I'd only waste his time.

 

It was him to make the decision, and I'm very glad he did, and I feel respect from him. Also make me respect him more. I'm proud of him.

 

I'll have the most soft part of my heart for him.

[d0nnivain]

OK but what about your husband? Where are you going with that relationship?

 

 

Is this other man out of your life? If not, you can't repair your marriage.

[Friskyone4u]

Yup, no mention here of the betrayal of your husband and how you feel about that.

 

If this OM is single and you work with him, and you don't stop the glowing admiration for him, you'll be back in a worse situation for sure.

 

Since this supposedly is over, why don't you tell your husband what almost happened and work on your marriage???

 

That will take a big step in you not starting down that path again because your husband will be alerted. Refusing to do that leaves the door open for you.

 

Be a big girl and face the music. The truth usually works better

[somanymistakes]

Quite a lot of relationship sites claim that you shouldn't confess to an affair if it's over and not a threat, because it heaps a massive burden of stress and misery onto your spouse just so you can feel a little less guilty, and that everyone would be better off if you kept your mouth shut.

 

I don't know how I feel about that, really. I feel like you should be able to trust your spouse and rely on them to help you avoid temptations and rebuild any weakness in the marriage. But I've seen people say that if their spouse confessed to being even tempted to pursue someone else, even if they didn't go through with it, they would divorce them...

[RecentChange]

Ouch.... Saving the softest part of your heart for another man?

 

So, what is the state of your marriage? Why did you fall in love with someone else? Are you going to try to fix your marriage, or let your husband stay married to someone who has vowed their heart to another?

[Darren Steez]

It sucks when two person fall in love while one is already married.

 

I'm the married woman, he is single.

 

If you would call it emotional affair, then we were in one, but I feel it didn't really happen before we stopped it.

 

Because we realized we respect each other enough to not to make mistakes. I fell in love with him, but I started holding back because I knew I couldn't give him anything right now, I'd only waste his time.

 

It was him to make the decision, and I'm very glad he did, and I feel respect from him. Also make me respect him more. I'm proud of him.

 

I'll have the most soft part of my heart for him.

 

No respect for your husband?

[Eternal30]

I have posted a couple of days ago when he decided to end the affair, his message was:

"I have been doing a lot of thinking. I like you a lot probably too much, this is just not a good thing for now. I have a lot of respect for you, and I don't want to disrespect that by continuing to do what I'm doing now. I'm not going anywhere , I'm still your friend."

 

He's single, I'm married.

 

We were just acquaintances, we had sparks, chemistry. We were flirting a lot via texts.

 

He wanted a child out of me.

 

My marriage has been shady, I had always wanted to end the marriage, but due to finance issue, I'm not independent enough to be determined enough to file the paper.

 

I didn't want to have an affair, I didn't want to cheat on my husband no matter what.

 

But I wanted someone to hold on, I just moved to this state a couple years ago, I don't have friends here.

 

I enjoyed chatting and flirting with him.

 

We had coffee together for couple times, he was always talking funny things, making funny faces. It made me so happy. And the meaningful and painful looking he had in his eyes just hurt me so much.

 

I know in order to find real happiness, I need to work on myself.

But life is ****ty sometimes, you work so hard but making little progress. Everyday life just makes me uncomfortable.

 

He's given me a lot of emotional supports for sometime. Which made the most soft part of my heart his place.

 

So he always told me he wanted a child out of me, after talking about this topic on texts for about 1.5 months. I started to getting serious, I told him I would be willing to do so, I would risk everything.

 

Then all a sudden, he started telling me to "run away" from him.

 

I asked him if he's serious? He said he really wants to have a child with me, he's "very serious" about it but it started being a "scary part" at the same time.

 

We had sex one time, it was one night when my husband and child were out of town, I had never drunk a beer or went to a bar before, he loves beer. He took me to a bar restaurant, I got drunk after 2 beers. I knew and I wanted to have sex with him that night.

 

However, I still don't know what I felt about this sexual connection as I was drunk. I remember I was crying and calling myself "bitch", I hated it but it was my true feelings.

 

He described the sexual connection as "It's been a long time since I felt so relieved while I was so close to someone."

 

He always said he likes me too much, more than he's supposed to.

 

We continued to flirt with each other, almost daily.

 

But soon, I started backing up, because I had a feeling he was getting emotional. And I knew I was in love with him. I would really get divorced and be with him, but having sex with him so soon make doubt the possibility of our relationship, I don't have faith in myself in any romantic relationship now. I call myself a cheater in front of him.

 

So I reduced a lot of texts, until one night, for some reason, we started talking about kids again. At first, he was very excited about this topic. And then as I was revealing that I would get divorced if I got pregnant with his baby. I was very genuine at that moment. Then he started to tell me to "run away"again, he said he wanted it but he can't make me pay that price.

 

Then the next day we didn't talk at all. But the day after, out of the blue, he sent me that message which I pasted in the beginning of this post.

 

It was last Monday, I felt rejected, dumped, for whatever reason. He had said he was serious about the baby and now he just changed his mind like all were just jokes. I know I'm not supposed to worry about these things since it's not even a real relationship.

 

But I was willing to divorce and start a relationship with him. Because his and my personalities is really a match. We laughed so much together.

 

I believe that the right person can come around at a wrong time. But I think it's not my job to convince him it is the right time to make it work, especially now I saw how he could change his mind so easily.

 

However, I tried to be understanding and told him I respected his decision and I thanked him for not continuing the affair.

 

Despite it hurt me into pieces, my heart cracked, I decided I had to move on and started working on myself. I'd never been hurt like this. I tried everything I had to get through the first week. Like hell.

 

And then, today, after only 1 week, he texted me. He said he just wanted to check on me, asked if everything was well.

I told him I was well.

He said he "Just wanted to say hi, "

I said, "Hi, ;)"

He said, Hi, ;)"

 

During this week, I didn't think of reaching out although it was like pure hell, my heart was literally like an open scar. I had told him, I opened my heart and it would be okay if I got hurt, he asked me "why do you want to open your heart and get hurt ?" I didn't answer that but I guess I knew from the beginning that no matter what, this relationship will only bring us pain.

 

When he broke up with me, I told him, "The most scary part for me is to waste years of yours." And I meant it. I was willing to let him go, I just wanted/want to see him happy, have a family, kids.

 

Today after his contacting, my heart and mind got so weak, the past week now means zero. I had so many emotions and I told him my feelings. And I told him, "You should not contact me, I need to get over this and repair myself, in order to do that, I need to not be feeling this pain all of the time. " Him contacting me will only bring back the pain.

 

I told him I would contact him once I have repaired myself.

He said, "Okay, I'll be here if you need me.:)"

 

I don't know, I was holding on so much not to let it all out.

I don't feel like blocking his number, just yet. But I might have to at some point if this pain only grows stronger.

 

He's really something to me. He's a sincere person, I knew it when I first looked into his eyes. He's emotional, sensual, I almost felt like we could read each other even if we are not together.

Like today, before he texted me, I had a sense he was going to contact me TODAY. Then after 2 hours he did.

Last night I also had a dream about him.

 

I know a lot of people here on LS are very clever, their opinions are really like wake up calls and very productive.

However, besides from criticizing, please give me some insightful thoughts, especially if there are single men who are involved with married women ? Please please share your thoughts with me.

 

Thank you all.

Edited February 7, 2017 by Eternal30

[BaileyB]

He is NOT a sincere person, he knew you were married and he chose to engage with you in an inappropriate relationship.

 

He knew that you were vulnerable and yet, he still chose to take advantage of that vulnerability. He is manipulative.

 

He convinced you to have sex with him, told you he wanted you to have his baby, such that you were willing to leave your husband and your child for him... and then he walked away from you. He is not to be trusted.

 

What you had with this man is pure and total fantasy. For all you know, he has some kind of bizarre pregnancy fetish. It's not normal for a man to ask a woman he hardly knows to have his baby... And it's not normal for a healthy and well balanced married woman and mother of a young child to agree to such a crazy proposition.

 

Don't fall for this again... continue talking with him at your own risk, because this "relationship" will cost you everything - your family, your self respect, and ultimately ... he will decide again someday that this relationship is not what he wants and it will all be for nothing.

 

Counselling... Life is hard but you need to try and heal the parts of yourself and your marriage that are broken. The answer to your pain and unhappiness will NOT be found with this other man!

 

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. But if I may be very, very blunt, your child deserves more than a mother who is willing to walk away from her responsibilities as a mother and into the arms of another man - and have a child with that man. The unborn child that you would bring into this world as a result of an unstable, and unhealthy relationship with this man deserves more. That you could even think to disregard your responsibility as a mother in this way, it's incomprehensible.

Edited February 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[anika99]

You don't use an innocent baby to get out of an unhappy marriage. I can't believe you were actually considering that. If you want out of your you can do it without bringing helpless children into the drama.

 

He does not want to be with you in a real relationship. He just likes to talk about fantasies and daydreams but everytime you got ready to put his plans into action he changed his tune. Happiness will not come to you in the form of a man,especially not a man who is willing to engage in a romantic relationship with you while you are married. There is a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. Affairing your way out of your marriage is the wrong way and is highly unlikely to result in a lasting relationship with your affair partner.

 

Divorce sucks and it's painful but there is no easy way around that. Thinking another man is going to rescue you from your unhappiness is a bad plan.

[brigitte 1]

Happiness will not come to you in the form of a man,especially not a man who is willing to engage in a romantic relationship with you while you are married.

 

Thinking another man is going to rescue you from your unhappiness is a bad plan.

 

Wise words here. People use flirting/affairs as a way to cope with unhappiness and from my own experience it doesn't work. In fact, I don't think it has ever worked for anyone after the first five minutes of a chemical rush to the brain. Flirting/Cheating is a drug that will ruin your life. I've always thought that one day I'll meet the perfect man who'll take away my sadness and replace it with joy. I've met the perfect man and I'm still depressed.

[Southern Sun]

I hope for your sake you get away from this man completely. This has RED FLAGS all over it.

[Eternal30]

Thank you all.

I've cut all the contacts with him.

We could not have each other, so it's better to remain the respect we have for each other now than to cross the lines again and hurt everyone.

I know it's main problem is myself. I need to look in instead of seek out.

Working on it. Sucks but I'll keep going.

[alsudduth]

Thank you all.

I've cut all the contacts with him.

We could not have each other, so it's better to remain the respect we have for each other now than to cross the lines again and hurt everyone.

I know it's main problem is myself. I need to look in instead of seek out.

Working on it. Sucks but I'll keep going.

 

If you are that out of touch with your marriage, you need to get out of it regardless of the financial difficulty. There is always help out there. It won't be easy - but you will eventually get on your own feet. If your husband is not who you want, my suggestion would be to start divorce proceedings and get yourself into some IC to be comfortable with being by yourself until you find the one you are meant to be with.

[BaileyB]

Thank you all.

I've cut all the contacts with him.

We could not have each other, so it's better to remain the respect we have for each other now than to cross the lines again and hurt everyone.

I know it's main problem is myself. I need to look in instead of seek out.

Working on it. Sucks but I'll keep going.

 

Life is never easy. But, I do think that you have done the best thing for yourself and your family. I wish you well in your journey.

[deadsoul]

Thank you all.

I've cut all the contacts with him.

We could not have each other, so it's better to remain the respect we have for each other now than to cross the lines again and hurt everyone.

I know it's main problem is myself. I need to look in instead of seek out.

Working on it. Sucks but I'll keep going.

 

This sounds like a great plan. The whole baby thing/runs away thing creeps me out. Yes. Please look in rather than seek out. This lesson I am learning in a very very tough way.

[Eternal30]

This sounds like a great plan. The whole baby thing/runs away thing creeps me out. Yes. Please look in rather than seek out. This lesson I am learning in a very very tough way.

 

Thank you ! I'm sorry you are suffering. I wish my best for you.

I know this baby thing is creepy.

But here comes a very serious thing which bothers me the most now:

How shall I look at him ?

- Being thankful for making the decision to stop ?

If he didn't make that decision, I would probably just keep going. Honestly, him saying "I have a lot of respect for you, I don't want to dispect that by continuing to do what I'm doing now."

I know he already disrespect me (or I disrespect myself) by having emotional and physical connection with him. However, the point is, he stopped. At the earliest age.

This decision of his, gave me a wake up call, his words made me realize that I should respect myself. Which is the journey I'm taking now.

 

- Feeling hurtful ?

He was so serious about the whole baby thing.

He told that he would have me move in to his house, fight for my daughter's costdy, even, marry me.

It sounds crazy and creepy. But he acted so serious.

And then, he walked away when I got serious.

So, now I feel like betrayed, manipulated. I felt like he played with my emotions.

Now the whole "serious" baby thing is just manipulation. Right ?

 

Maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe the reality was he had baby fever, he saw I was a caring mother (well not really), then he had that image of having me being his child's mother; But then, when he saw me getting serious, and thought about all these real things he would have to deal with (moving me in, fight for my daughter's costdy, my divorce...) he got turned off... He just didn't want to deal with the real stuff.

 

The reason why I'm trying to figure out is not about him or this affair, it's about which way shall I take to move on ?

 

 

Because when I feel thankful, it's easier for me to focus on myself, my self-worth, self-value, I know I need to respect myself. It also prevent me from having another affair with another man. Cause I see now if a man has respect for me, he will not tend to have an unhealthy relationship with me. BUT, at the same time, when I feel thankful, I think about him, think about the good things of him. And it is a distraction. I'll not reach out, but it will distract me from time to time.

 

If I feel hurt, it's just generally harder. It just hurts so much. It's a pitiful feeling for myself. And I don't see a way to move on. I'm just stuck.

 

 

Please help.

[Eternal30]

Life is never easy. But, I do think that you have done the best thing for yourself and your family. I wish you well in your journey.

 

Thank you.

This is for sure the journey I'll keep doing.

It generally feels so much better than being always talking /thinking /reaching out for another man, illegally and secretly, everything in dark. Always deleting texts, pictures.

 

When he made the decision I thought it would be impossible for me to not have him in my life.

 

But the truth is it's so much better and easier than I thought.

 

I just wish I didn't get emotional / physical affair with him. I wish we were friends.

 

Well, that's the price I pay I think.

But I cannot imagine what if I kept going and my husband found it out. Then that would be a real high price.

 

So there is no way back. Just have to suck it in..

Edited February 10, 2017 by Eternal30

[Eternal30]

If you are that out of touch with your marriage, you need to get out of it regardless of the financial difficulty. There is always help out there. It won't be easy - but you will eventually get on your own feet. If your husband is not who you want, my suggestion would be to start divorce proceedings and get yourself into some IC to be comfortable with being by yourself until you find the one you are meant to be with.

 

 

I know. I think divorce is still a decision I will make. But it's easier said than done. It takes a lot.

Thank you !

[Eternal30]

I just need support during this NC period.

I have read a lot of posts here and other sites about NC rules and purpose.

I know I need to stick with it and I know I need to focus on improving myself instead of counting down the date.

I know all these things.

 

But I'm still struggling, I'm shaking.

 

The single man was lying to me that he was serious about all those creepy things: baby, marriage, life together, and he dumped me when he sensed that I got serious.

 

I don't care now if he meant it when he said he decided to end it because he respected me. No matter the reason, he walked away. And I can no longer trust any of his words because of this action of his.

 

And I cannot be stupid enough to let him hurt me one more time. I had never had any men dumped me in my life. That just hurts so much !

 

I'm struggling because despite the truth I stated I above, I still think about the good moments/fantasies we had. It was couple months only but still, because everything was irrational, everything was so darn perfect.

- I KNOW NONE OF THESE WERE REAL.

 

It's been 17 days since he made the decision of staying in friends. Which I never reach out since that day. He had contacted me in one week. But I cut him off completely. We don't have mutual or work together.

 

Please everyone, give me some strength. Trust me, I have been trying everything I have to get over this. I was okay until Valentine's day, I just felt so strong that day and almost reached out. Last night was the worst.

 

Thank you !

[aileD]

You can do this!

 

Every time you think of those good moments, make yourself stop and list the bad things.

 

Replace the good with the bad (the real).

[Eternal30]

You can do this!

 

Every time you think of those good moments, make yourself stop and list the bad things.

 

Replace the good with the bad (the real).

 

Thank you AileD, this is true, whenever I think the bad things/feelings, it gives me some strength and diversion. However, it gets tired and finally the good part will catch me.

[skywriter]

Eternal30, I don't know your story but, if I can do it anyone can.

 

I was involved in an A for nearly six years. I was a single woman, involved with a MM.

 

It took me about eight months to really begin to feel I'd made it out of the A.

 

It was the best decision I have ever made to put a stop to it. I wish you strength to continue on with NC.

[Eternal30]

Eternal30, I don't know your story but, if I can do it anyone can.

 

I was involved in an A for nearly six years. I was a single woman, involved with a MM.

 

It took me about eight months to really begin to feel I'd made it out of the A.

 

It was the best decision I have ever made to put a stop to it. I wish you strength to continue on with NC.

 

Skywriter, thank you for your words.

My story isn't really a story, it was a pretty short period of time.

I'm married with a kid, he is single. Same age.

 

We were in an EA for most of the time, then about a month ago, we had physical connection. He described it was "too good" "feeling where he belonged", then all a sudden with in a week, he said "I don't want to disrespect you by continue to do it" "I like you too much" "text me any time when you are ready" "I'll always be here".

 

My emotions are all over the place.

First I will feel he ended it for good, which is really good for me and my family.

But then I just cannot let go the feeling of being dumped.

 

Nevertheless, right now, I just don't want over think it. I just want to move on.

[Eternal30]

Eternal30, I don't know your story but, if I can do it anyone can.

 

I was involved in an A for nearly six years. I was a single woman, involved with a MM.

 

It took me about eight months to really begin to feel I'd made it out of the A.

 

It was the best decision I have ever made to put a stop to it. I wish you strength to continue on with NC.

 

I'm sorry for you have spent six years of your life on someone who didn't choose you. This is one of my feelings toward my single man too, he's single and I just didn't feel right. It sucks.

[skywriter]

I'm sorry for you have spent six years of your life on someone who didn't choose you. This is one of my feelings toward my single man too, he's single and I just didn't feel right. It sucks.

 

Eternal30, The single man that you were involved with sounds like he only broke things off to get you to make a decision. From the words that you quoted, " I don't want to disrespect you"., etc.

 

The man I was involved with, would have been content to continue using me for sex. I broke off the A, in order to move on and eventually, a year later, I moved on to a relationship with a single man.

 

It doesn't sound like your AP dumped you, he sounds like he wants to be in a legitimate, respectful relationship, and wants you to call him when you're ready.