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Is my wife cheating?


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My wife had been working a job and would come home and talk about a guy who she works with who is this big player etc. She started to talk about details of his sex life which I thought was innapropriate but I let it go. She recently lost that job but continued to talk with her coworkers. She had told me she never talks to that guy and never instant messages him, etc. Well one night I was on our computer and found her email was open and looked in. She had told me she had plans to go out to lunch with her friend on Thursday, out to the bar on Friday with her and other coworkers and then shopping with her girlfriend on Saturday. Looking through her email I found she had lied and was shopping with her girlfriend, but also with this guy. The bar on Friday they were going to happened to be in his complex. While she went out on Friday I found an email in her account to this guy saying how much she missed iming him everyday but that from home she would continue and then a joking email about how he better not hook up with anyone this weekend. I also found a number written in a drawer labeled as Sue. I called the number out of curiosity and noticed it was really this guys email. She was out at the bar 7 hours that night and mysteriously her cell phone was off all night which had never happened before. Also coincidentally her girfriend she was meeting did not have her cell phone so there were three calls to his cell phone. Coincidentally perhaps she had shopped for new clothes that week including Victoria Secret that day. With that said of course she denies it and turned it around and said she only lied about the number and the shopping because she knows how I am and I would freak out on her. Then turned it around to me not trusting her etc. Anyone think she might be cheating on me?

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ThumbingMyWay

Given what yuo ahve found....and what she has done...I would be very cautious. I would keep a close eye on her. I would also track her cell phone log and also install a key logger on her computer.

 

PLUS the next time she SAYS she is going out with this group....make it a POINT that you want to go to...you want to meet and see them also. Then see her reaction....if its defensive, then I would wonder??....if she accepts and says no problem...then maybe its no biggie. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing....those who do...act like they do....

 

keep an eye on it

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ThumbingMyWay
Originally posted by msheetz

Then turned it around to me not trusting her etc.

 

classic.....its a classic game......those who are guilty will project blame onto others as a diversion of the truth. My wife did the same thing.....I would quesiton her...and she would say I was controlling her, blah blah.....

 

keep a close eye my friend. Watch for any other changes in her behavoir....

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reservoirdog1

Sorry to say it dude, but something's rotten in Denmark.

 

You say that she'd talk about his sex life while they were working together but you never raised an issue with it. That being the case, what reason would she have to think that you'd freak out on her if you knew who she was really going for lunch or drinking with?

 

None.

 

Which means that she had another reason for not telling you.

 

I'm seeing red flags everywhere in your story. New lingerie, right before going out drinking with him? Those messages? The secrecy? The strange coincidences involving that guy?

 

You already know what your gut is telling you. Don't allow yourself to be bought off by her pulling the "don't you trust me" crap. That's a textbook cheater line.

 

I know what I'm talking about, although I was too dumb, naive and trusting to see it at the time. Hindsight is 20/20. In 2001, I discovered my XW had a secret email address I didn't know about, had been posting on a personals site, and had been visiting philanderers.com. I confronted her about this, and she fed me a line of bulls***. Idiot that I was, however, I bought it... mostly because I told her to look me in the eyes and tell me if she'd ever cheated on me. She looked me in the eyes and lied. Two years later, when she was trapped, she confessed that she'd had several affairs throughout the marriage. I knew about none of this -- she'd very skillfully camouflaged them by NOT lying about who she was out with or who she'd been talking to -- she'd tell me, just carefully omitting the fact that she'd been f***king them too.

 

The difference being, my XW was a skilled manipulator and deceiver, and left very few clues. Your wife is an amateur, and a pretty sloppy one at that.

 

Sorry to tell you all this, buddy. Check in here as much as you need to... and while you're at it, check out survivinginfidelity.com. I think you're going to need their support.

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I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good. Do what Thumbingmyway suggested, next time she says shes going out ask her you if can come along. Pay real close attention to her reaction. Another thing you could do too, is next time you know for sure shes going out and where, just show up out of the blue. Keep us posted.

 

 

 

Jade

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I would agree with what everyone is saying, your story sounds very similar to mine. I would access her cell phone account if I was you, especially since you already know the number. Either way, keep posting in here, there are alot of people with similar experiences that will be able to help you. best of luck.

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HotCaliGirl

Sounds like she's cheating on you for sure. She is secretly seeing a player type who she is close enough to know about his sex life in detail. She lies to you about where she's going so that she can be with him without your knowledge. I can't think of her not cheating in this situation - bar, victoria's secret, lying to you, missing his im-s...no-brainer.

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Hello,

 

I am sorry but she is playing you for a fool. I am afraid she is putting you at risk for STD's. She is lying to you. You would have to be in big time denial to believe otherwise. She is displaying all of the classic signs of a cheater. Make it clear to her what the consequences of her actions will be if she continues. Marriage counseling is essential. Make it clear it will be the end of the marriage if she continues on this path. I wish you luck and I am very sorry for you.

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Getting mad if you ask her about it, accusing you of things, saying you're possessive and jealous, etc. etc., shouting, yelling, cold silence, stomping off -- all of this is normal behavior for a cheating spouse. She wants to have her little cupcake on the side for excitement and wants you for security as well. Another thing they like to do is make you feel like you're crazy, like your mind is playing tricks on you, you start to believe their b.s. It's called "gas lighting". I was seriously douting my sanity!

 

Be quiet about the whole thing now. You know she's cheating. Give her some rope and she will hang herself out to dry. Put a key logger on your computer, check the cell phone bills, borrow a car, wear sunglasses and a blonde wig and follow her. Whatever you need to do. Then confront her with the proof and don't let her wiggle her way out of it. When you find out for sure, and you will, be sure to tell the OM's wife (if he's married?) because if he's a player that will end the affair once and for all and the other betrayed party deserves to know

 

Good luck.

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NiceGuyMojo

Going through the wringer with the SOS as what you are experiencing. ONE LIE leads to another and another and another.... Never stops! Pretty soon, she will be so caught up in lies, she won't know up from down and be confused. Rational rules don't apply in dealing with a cheater because her behavior is unrational and responses when questioned are explosive in anger. This drives her further AWAY when you question her. I know it doesn't make sense to you but this works! (See "When You Suspect Infidelity, Page 3 or 4 on what to do)

 

 

Infidelity can be classified as an ADDICTION in same manner as Drugs and alcohol. "It makes me feel good" I did the normal response to problems in my relationship "addressing the situation" as any other couple would do which was ALL wrong! Think of infidelity as if you are dealing with an addiction to Crack with someone else but without the drug. The problem manifests itself inside the person growing larger everyday. The addiction grows stronger everyday if left unchecked. Bring her back home.

 

I neglected my relationship for many years and this is what happens.. Never cheated on her but caught up in taking our relationship for granted. A relationship REQUIRES daily maintence in order to be successful. The longer the relationship lasts the more you have to "put out" to keep it alive and keep her with you. Yes, YOU have have to give more but you get Sooo much back in exchange when the relationships feeds itself 100% together.

 

 

Let me give you my best advice about Bars. This is where single people go to get hooked up traditionally. It's different when a group of people go out after work to a bar because they are more or less socializing with each other. NOT others. Most going to Bars are looking to get hooked up. She's going Fishing when it's all one gender. My suggestion is when YOU are married, do activities as a Couple together, not separate. You be there or it doesn't happen and You have every right to say so. Set the basic ground rules in your marriage of "WE" do and "Don't" do this. Period... but have some lee-way when establishing boundary initallily by making it reasonable for her to accept.

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StillHurtin

I am sorry, but I think she is cheating on you also. Your story sounds a lot like mine. The OW and my H worked 2gether and she happened to mention her sex life too and he would always talk about her. A year later they had their full blown affair. I would keep my eyes wide open and do everything Thumb said. I am sorry.

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Add my name to the list.

YES.

 

I wouldn't even bother doing any more detective work,you already know.

 

I feel for you! Good luck.

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I hate to tell ya- but some of the stuff she's done and said sounds like things i did and said when I was in the middle of my fling I had.

 

You know in your gut what's going on. I'd gather my facts- with the help of her cell phone bill and a keylogger and confront her. Do not let her get defensive. Then I would tell her that your condition for forgiving her was that she get back into the marriage and into marriage counseling with you. That is if you want to save the marriage.

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She's definitely cheating. 99.98% sure. So let's get that right out of the way up front. There is just no question. (Well, maybe 0.02%.)

 

The only real questions that should be in your mind are: What do I do about it? Do I want to fight to save this marriage? How do I protect myself from STDs? How much can I take before I throw in the towel? And then, after a while...How did our marriage get this bad? WHY is my wife cheating? Does she need something I am not giving her, or is it possible that she is a constitutional serial "philanderer"? How can I protect my assets in the case of divorce?

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ThumbingMyWay

this was cut and pasted...

 

If your partner's behavior in one of the following areas hoists a red flag, remember, it may not necessarily be cause for alarm. Weigh your words. Think before you accuse. Proceed with caution.

 

1 - When they no longer wants sex or makes excuses.

 

2 - When they will not allow you access to their computer or they suddenly shut down the computer when you walk into the room. They may password protect their laptop or computer to keep out suspicious eyes. Or they stay up to "work" on the computer after you go to bed. Excessive internet usage, especially late at night, is a red flag.

 

3 - When they begin to put distance between you or show a lack of interest in what has been the routine with few, if any, excuses.

 

4 - When they suddenly have to work late and have all kinds of new obligations that take them away from home repeatedly or for long periods of time. Or. . . they tell you they are working longer hours and discontinue allowing you to view their paycheck or paystubs.

 

5 - When they get mysterious phone calls or when they hurry to answer the phone, leave the room to talk on the phone and when you ask who called, they say, "No one," or "Wrong number."

 

6 - When they suddenly need a cell phone or pager and you are discouraged from ever looking at it or using it. They also may make certain their cellphone or pager cannot be answered by you by hiding it or taking it with them wherever they go. They are secretive about their cellphone or pager bill and pay it themselves when you have always paid the bill in the past.

 

7 - When they arrive home smelling faintly of perfume/cologne or another person's body.

 

8 - When they arrive home and head straight into the shower or bath.

 

9 - When they have lipstick or strange hairs on their clothing or in the car. Finding strange phone numbers, receipts or condoms can also be clues.

 

10 - When they suddenly begins to treat you extremely nice; more so than usual.

 

11 - When they begin to make "kinky" requests or suggest wildly erotic play during sex including things you have never done before. They may also show an increased interest in sex or sexual things, including porn.

 

12 - When they talk to you they treat you abusively or with disdain, disrespect or excess sarcasm. They may also demonstrate an unexplained aloofness or indifference in the relationship. Or. . . they may begin to find fault in everything you do in an attempt to justify the affair.

 

13 - Her: When she gets spiffied up and dresses provocative to "go grocery shopping" or to "get her hair done." She may also show up with a sudden change of hair style. Him: When he showers, shaves (cologne, deodorant, etc.) and dresses up more than usual to "go out with his buddies" or to "go fishing."

 

14 - When they break their established routine at work and home for no apparent or logical reason.

 

15 - When they become suddenly forgetful and you have to tell him/her everything several times; their thoughts are elsewhere.

 

16 - When they are always tired or demonstrate a noticeable lack of energy or interest in the relationship.

 

17 - When they begin to intentionally look at or flirt with the opposite sex when in the past, this is something they would not have done.

 

18 - When you notice that they reluctant to kiss you or accept your affection.

 

19 - When they ignore or criticize your affections and thoughtful ways.

 

20 - When your phone bill shows an increase in unexplained toll or long distance charges. Often when a partner is acting too close or flirting with a best friend of the opposite sex, you will find their phone number listed excessively.

 

21 - When the passenger seat in the car has been changed and is not in the usual position or the mileage on the car is more than usual. Also increased gas purchases that are inconsistent with the amount of miles on the car.

 

22 - When they begin to keep a change of clothes hidden in the trunk of the car or an unusual amount of clothes changes at the gym.

 

23 - When you notice credit card charges for gifts (such as florist or jewelry) that you didn't receive.

 

24 - When they begin to make sudden and excessive purchases of clothes or an unexplained change in clothing style. Begining to purchase sexy underwear or lingerie may be a clue.

 

25 - When you notice an increase in ATM withdrawals. Cheating costs money! To play you must pay!

 

26 - When you notice that your partner loses their ability and desire to show the children the attention they need or a lack of desire to do any fix-ups around the house, e.g., lawn care, painting, cleaning the garage, house repairs, etc.

 

27 - When you notice an increased attention to losing weight or paying more attention to their appearance.

 

28 - When they begin to volunteer to go to the post office, rushes to check the mail before you do or opens up a new P.O. box.

 

29 - When your partner shows up without their wedding ring or suddenly stops wearing it and makes lame excuses as to why.

 

 

 

These are just some....as I look back to my situ....my wife did alot of these....plus some of these:

 

Groomed pubic hair. Sad but true.....I had been asking my wife to do this for a while.....and she was always against it....untill last summer...she started to do this.

 

Getting all dressed up just to do over to a girlfriends house.

 

Close watch on her cell phone. In the past I could borrow it...but not last summer. She eventually got me my own...as a bday present.....but the alterior motive was so I wouldnt use hers.

 

Secreative phone calls. I remember one night I came home from playing pool on a Sunday night...her cell was on the night stand and turned on. I asked waht she was doing...she was texting her girlfriend. Only to find out in MC, that she was testing the OM that night.

 

Taking her cell phone on early Sunday morning walks.....never did that before.

 

Saying she is going to a bike ride at the local park.....I ask to go...and she was adimant she wanted to go by herself. She gets home and nto tired or sweaty at all. Again, I come to find out in MC that she met him to go for a walk....or do the deed.

 

Hangin out with single friends at a more frequent basis. Again, come to find out the friend was cheating too.

 

lots a signs....but I had no clue, I just thought she was in a funk.....if I only knew then what I know now......If I ever dicided to cheat (which will never happen), at least I know what NOT to do...

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NiceGuyMojo
Originally posted by SoleMate

She's definitely cheating. 99.98% sure. So let's get that right out of the way up front. There is just no question. (Well, maybe 0.02%.)

 

The only real questions that should be in your mind are: What do I do about it? Do I want to fight to save this marriage? How do I protect myself from STDs? How much can I take before I throw in the towel? And then, after a while...How did our marriage get this bad? WHY is my wife cheating? Does she need something I am not giving her, or is it possible that she is a constitutional serial "philanderer"? How can I protect my assets in the case of divorce?

 

You have to be 100 % sure BEFORE doing or saying anything right now. This was my mistake when I accused her without hard proof of cheating. You will feel desperate to approach her about this but DON'T until you physically Catch Her In The ACT!

 

Here's what you should do now:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. *Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backside from your hard earned changes."

 

 

Try to create an atmosphere in which she feels comfortable revealing the truth. When people lie and cheat in an intimate relationship, it's often because THEY don't feel safe with complete self-revelation. The point is to read her and help remove obstacles to open communication up so she will talk. She needs to talk before you can move forward. Still maintain your positive posture (above) and you will see her come back slowly.

 

Her cheating has nothing to do with you or what you did. This was her choice alone to cross the line. You need to bring her in, not drive her away. One of the hardest parts you have to deal with is knowing (almost) what she did to you and suppress your emotions to deal with this rationally. My anger flew which was a big mistake among many others. Just sleeping in the same bed drove me crazy getting only a few hours of sleep every night for weeks! The main concern now is to be supportive and consistent with your relationship. Get tested for STDs and avoid sex for now if possible.

 

Prepare yourself for the worst case scenario to move on (if you have to) because it may take awhile to get through this part. Not much you can do now if you want to SAVE the marriage. Focus on your well-being so you can get through this difficult time and stay sane. You may want to move around some liquid assets slowly as to not draw attention and have cash available if needed.

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whichwayisup

Niceguy, you sound so much like our dear Ol' wise Owl....(WWIU ducks from Owls thump! LOL!)

 

Good advice.

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WithOrWithoutYou

Well, it became clear very early in your post that she had been lying to you - a lot, and I thought you had reason to be VERY suspicious (maybe 80% sure), but I wasn't 95% sure there was something going on until you said that she pulled the "I only lied to you about this because you are like that", and the "this just proves you don't trust me." Classic best defense is a good offense. People don't get that defensive unless they have done something wrong, and know it.

 

I'm afraid I have to add my vote to the pile, and say yeah, she's probably cheating on you (95%). There is an outside chance she isn't having sex with him, but from what you described about that night, it doesn't look too good.

 

Do what you think it right. You definately have cause to be very concerned and suspicious.

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  • 3 months later...
mental_traveller

Yes she's cheating. Hire a good divorce lawyer and maybe PI, get surefire evidence that she's cheating, record it all, then throw her out and kick her ass in court.

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