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When you found out about the A


wmacbride

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This thread is directed at bs, as only they can really answer the question...

 

As a bs, how did you feel when you first found out about the A, and in the time that followed?

 

Myself, in a really weird and twisted way, i was lucky. My spouse left not long after I found out about his A, and I wasn't able to contact him very often. He was gone along time, and I was at home with our three small children, two of whom had health problems. I didn't have time to face it all head on. I had to take it in small doses, in as much as I could, and put off a complete addressing of the issues until he came back.

 

I will say that felt really sick and hollow inside, At first, I was crushed, but after a while, it changed to just feeling hollow while I waited.

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Devestated. Because we had gone through this once before, I knew what road was ahead of me. I was angry. I was desperate. I was crushed. I was scared. And I was determined .

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As a bs, how did you feel when you first found out about the A, and in the time that followed?

 

 

By Blunt

Shaken, desperate, and did the pick me dance for a short time.

After a few months I got in gear and took actions to protect myself and prepared to live without her. I divorced her within 6 months of confirming the A; she stayed in the home claiming to cut him completely out her life. After a few months after the divorce she announced that she had him in her life and I threw her out of the house. She came crawling back and I made her prove her words with ACTIONS for over 4 years before I remarried her.

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As a bs, how did you feel when you first found out about the A, and in the time that followed?

 

 

By Blunt

Shaken, desperate, and did the pick me dance for a short time.

After a few months I got in gear and took actions to protect myself and prepared to live without her. I divorced her within 6 months of confirming the A; she stayed in the home claiming to cut him completely out her life. After a few months after the divorce she announced that she had him in her life and I threw her out of the house. She came crawling back and I made her prove her words with ACTIONS for over 4 years before I remarried her.

 

Congratulations! You sound like you have triumphed and that you are now happy.

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Wmacbride,

 

This thread is directed at bs, as only they can really answer the question...

 

As a bs, how did you feel when you first found out about the A, and in the time that followed?

 

I was mad, real mad. In fact I was beyond mad I was incandescent.

 

I punched him in the mouth for a start (not proud of that but it made me feel a whole lot better :o)

 

I was so angry because for months I'd had lies, gaslighting, had been treated like $h!£, had tried to find out what the matter was and been stonewalled and been given the silent treatment.

To find out that I wasn't losing my mind/imagining things/going crazy was such a relief - but that quickly turned to anger when I realised that it was his behaviour that was the problem.

 

He got the divorce papers within a week and was out within a month.

 

Then I used the residual anger to help me move forward with my life.

 

The hurt came later......

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I got trickled truthed.

We did nothing for you to be upset.

Every three to four years something would cause that time to be re-visited.

Then my questions, then her trickle the smallest amount of truth revealed.

Repeated the process for the next thirty five years.

Still do not know ten percent of the story.

Damn, still do not know who the OM was.

About 4 years ago wife refuses to talk about it anymore. Threatened to

leave if I talk about it again. So I talk very little about anything now.

She complains that I never want to talk. I shrug it off. I have said

about two times: talk, why talk when you limit what we can talk about.

Her response is to act as she does not understand my meaning.

 

 

I am not mad at what happened. Past that, a long time ago. I am hung

up on not getting the full truth. I do not think that I will ever get past.

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This thread is directed at bs, as only they can really answer the question...

 

As a bs, how did you feel when you first found out about the A, and in the time that followed?

 

Myself, in a really weird and twisted way, i was lucky. My spouse left not long after I found out about his A, and I wasn't able to contact him very often. He was gone along time, and I was at home with our three small children, two of whom had health problems. I didn't have time to face it all head on. I had to take it in small doses, in as much as I could, and put off a complete addressing of the issues until he came back.

 

I will say that felt really sick and hollow inside, At first, I was crushed, but after a while, it changed to just feeling hollow while I waited.

 

 

In my situation I came across something that my gut instinct spoke loudly to me. I hoped I was wrong, I hoped I was wrong.

 

I hired a PI and the truth hit me hard. It took many days to digest the truth, I was lucky that the I PI hired had a good heart and good advice. I was also lucky that I had time to think and a good support system.

 

A healthy self esteem and a pragmatic outlook was my saving grace.

 

I'm strong enough to let go, strong enough to accept that life is not always fair.

 

I wasn't angry, I very sad, very hurt, but I knew I'd be ok no matter what life and circumstance I faced.

 

It's ironic, i chose my user name not because I'm a furious person, but that my spirit is furious in the sense that I am strong when need be.

 

I'm very fortunate that my family and friends know I'm a person who's actions match my words. I'm real, I'm always learning and I love with all my heart.

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My H didn't really have an A. It was a ONS with no sex. Unfortunately, he let it slip and I responded with hysteria. I got lies and TT. This time last year I was throwing electronics in the pool and throwing water in his face. I even poured iced water on his side of the bed and forced him to lie on it. Crazy, and it seems I have quite the thing about water. No?

 

Look, I cheated too before we were married but I told the full truth right away. I was not only remorseful but flat-out horrified by my actions. I like to think that, had H told me right away that he got out of control at a conference, I would have been angry for a week or so and then gotten over it.

 

Now, I'm still struggling with it. I've been treated for trauma and depression and drink too much. I was triggered yesterday by the word ring. He ran his wedding ring all over that woman's body. I want to rip it of his finger and throw it in the ocean. Again, with the water.

Edited by KatieLaw
Of = off, and maybe I should do that?
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I was pissed off...bc here I owned my A & was kissing his but bc I hurt him & he was doing the same...pissed but then happy. We were even & neither one was better than the other.

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afoolto no end

I think we all must feel the same way when we first find out, I think all of us pretty much know that something was wrong or off in our marriage.

I had that gut feeling something was going on and I figured out who it was too .

Then before I could confront the OW's husband called me with evidence.

I was devastated, embarrassed and just horrified my life was now this mess, caused by two very selfish people.

It took a few days to really think it all out, there are many reasons each of us have for going in the direction we go in, In the flight or fight decision, I chose to fight for our marriage and family......My husband's affair was only 6 weeks long and I wasn't about that little time frame ruin over 21 years of marriage at the time, or let her win.

I pulled myself together and became the best me I could be and the best option, I let my husband swim in his own mess, told him it was his problem not mine.

I immediately went into a survivor mode in protecting myself financially and changed things with a separation agreement ....

We no longer share our $$. I now own the house......bought him out.

I told him to go, i was hurting badly, lost a ton of weight but I was able to not let that show to much with him, I just kept saying you want out you love her go.

As his **** hit the fan, he realized no one thought he was being a good man or a smart man......I think he was surprised no one agreed with him......

Woke up from his fog thinking when neither of our sons would speak to him anymore.

I was angry and disappointed and I was hurt but I didn't allow him to see that I put all the stress on him and his affair partner to deal with everything and everyone else.....I figured it was his mess and I just kept saying that to him and this mess was beyond my vow commitment to him.......he had made his choice.

It took 4 months but he eventually begged for another try, I never changed the finances back, that will be for the rest of our lives, he changed things he would have to deal with that consequence........

he gave up a lot for his affair........but so did I, i will never think of us as the same anymore, or trust him ever again.......so far he has done over and above to stay here under this roof with me but he knows anything else and he is gone, you only get one chance .....I will trust his actions not his words now,

I told him in the beginning this pain the loss of our marriage the embarrassment will not just be rug swepted unless he worked at making things better the pain I carried because of his affair would end us......

I do think I had to separate the two things, his affair and my survival plan in the first few weeks in order to survive......don't get me wrong in my strength and grace, I was hurting beyond belief, I just took it minute by minute.

I needed to do positive things for me alone....and i had to let him swim in his mess without me.......

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By Furious

A healthy self esteem and a pragmatic outlook was my saving grace.

I'm strong enough to let go, strong enough to accept that life is not always fair.

 

I'm very fortunate that my family and friends know I'm a person who's actions match my words. I'm real, I'm always learning and I love with all my heart.

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

Great attributes to have when facing such devastating crises. There is more attributes to have but these are extremely helpful and essential and I do not feel that a person can have a good R or D without them IMO

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I puked my guts up when he told me. Then I lit a cigarette (had not smoked in nearly a decade) and downed half a bottle of wine. Then I totally lost my ****.

 

I threw a vase of flowers at him - it missed and made a massive mess on the wall.

I also ripped up our wedding album.

 

I left a week later. I refused to do the pick-me-dance.

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gettingstronger

I received a text that said "check out (name he had her as in his phone)"

I am not sure why I did not freak and fly off the handle

Instead I waited until I had access to his phone and did just that-

 

I was so stunned that at first I thought he was gay (it was under a guys name)

then I thought he was a pedophile (she sent pictures of her kids- and I thought it was a guy sending pictures of kids they were going to meet up with)

I then pressed the contact info and realized it was a woman we had met at the beach on vacation when her whole family vacationed next to mine-

(the above was maybe 5 minutes tops)

I was like, oh did they run into each other later and one thing lead to another- (after an hour until I saw him face to face)

Nope- she emailed him when she got home that she was interested in him (we had talked about where he worked and the fact he traveled quite a bit, so she looked up the company, figured out the standard email style (first.lastname)

and took a shot-

 

Honestly, I was sick, stunned, disgusted, I hyper ventilated, threw up, rubbed the skin on my legs almost raw, all kinds of physical reactions that were so out of control for me-

When he went to hold me, I smacked the living **** out of his face-

To his credit-he stood quietly, crying and took every word-every crazy action and didn't say anything except- I am sorry, I am such an *******-

 

The first week was a total blur-but after that I remember feeling so pissed it was almost uncontrollable-

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wmacbride, on the lighter side you are female so why the Mr Peacock picture?

 

 

:laugh:

That's Captain Peacock to you!

 

Actually, I used the photo as I have always liked his character. That's why is use it as my sig. line on here ( it's from the german week episode when he's trying on the liederhosen..." You told me my outfit would give me the appropriate air of authority. I'm getting a lot of air, but very little authority":laugh:

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I would say I went through the classic 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. So, initially, I was in denial and disbelief.

 

In a way, I am surprised I stayed. However, I am not a quiter. We have been married for almost 45 years. I have worked for the same company for almost 40 years, I spent 6 years in the Navy. I had the opportunity to get out early on a hardship discharge and refused. I made a committment and would not take advantage of a technicality.

 

In the end, it worked out. Of the long term survivors on this board, I think we have done well.

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Jersey born raised

Afool no more: your story reminds me a great deal of my aunts reaction to my Uncie's adultery. She showed up at dinner time (we lived 1 1/2) away asking for a place to stay the night. My father always disliked my mother's brother. Though he was a spoiled bully etc etc. My mom was peace maker, but not this time.

 

She stayed the night and left the next morning. By then his mother knew, sons, his cousins all knew. A mount Eversest of crap hit the fan. For the first time his mother not only held him accountable, she crucified him (over the phone) Told him to be thankful his dad was not still alive, that to spare his dad knowing she was thankful he had passed. Hanging up she told him do not call or visit without making it right with his wife, and his mother wanted to talk to his wife before hand. Three months she froze him out. Changed her will naming the wife instead of him. His wife had to call his mother three times to get her to relent.

 

His sons for the first time in their lives (they where mid twenties) lite into for the first time and believe they should have a lot sooner. Told him to just leave.

 

His cousins just told him he went to far this time and ghosted him.

 

Huge wake call eh? Suddenly he reformed overnight. He stayed that way, on the surface at least, to his death 15 years later. I will mourn my aunt when she passes, him not at all.

Edited by Jersey born raised
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All over the place: Horrified. Numb. Frozen. Frenetic. Anxious. Alone. Waiting two months to tell all the kids, even though they were coming to visit often, was hard. I was dissecting, reading, obsessing, trying to understand and did that for 2 years.

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It was so many years ago. I remember feeling hurt, angry and fear. I think to some extent, these feeling, while submerged still are there. I certainly had the same reaction when I found out about her overspending. Just show, as things change, things stay the same.

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I was totally blindsided, I knew something was off, but when I asked him he said stress, work, him, he wasn't good enough for me and so on. He had been saying this for months, I kept saying he was, but if he wasn't happy with me, then he should go and find someone else he could be happy with, that I loved him. We had both been going through hell, both personally and as a couple, he with PTSD and Combat Stress, which he refused to speak about and me with cancer and a chronic disease diagnosis. I threw myself into work and he into a path of self destruction. Gambling, from a man who never even played snap, drinking, started playing rugby again, despite really knackered knees, and of course the OW. The a lasted for 8 months, mainly on the odd snatched hours when he came home for weekends, he was living on base some 300 miles away. He was away in Iraq for 4 months of it so on reflection, very little A time.

 

When he told me I remember feeling like someone had punched my in the gut, it was like life was slow motion and I was looking on. I watched while his mouth was moving saying the words, he kept saying sorry over and over, that he was an a***, that he didn't deserve me, that he was a bad man, over and over and over. I blew a gasket, threw a cup, smashed years of photographs while saying it had all been a lie, for over 23 yrs I had loved, supported, liked, truly, truly loved, fancied and in an instant he looked like a stranger. After the words came through, after the initial anger, where I had to ask him to leave the house for an hour while I calmed down as I was afraid I would seriously hurt him (I am a total pussycat type of person, until my back is up, then run).

 

When he came back it was like the person he had been just hours ago had gone and here was my H, the one I had known all those years was in front of me. he says it was a huge wake up, that he realised what a complete and utter dickhead he had been and that he had convinced himself he didn't deserve, me. us our life.

I guessed who she was right away, I had only ever seen her once, years before, but I knew she had fancied my H, I knew her reputation and I also knew that if he, had an a, he wouldn't work too hard at the who. I went into the kitchen opened a bottle of gin, put some loud rock music on and got pissed and danced like crazy, weird? yes, I popped all the knuckles on my hand with clenching my fist in anger. My son came back home unexpectedly halfway through my rage, I insisted he went to see his Dad as I knew if I didn't their relationship would have never recovered and it was important for my H to have support. I loved him still and loved him enough to want him to be happy. If it was with the OW, then so be it. I am glad I did that.

 

Later, we talked, I asked what he wanted to do, said if we could salvage our marriage then it would take honesty, the complete truth and NC. I also asked that he let her know too to have closure. he refused to speak to her, hasn't to this day some 9 yrs later. He couldn't look me in the eye, he just sat crying saying sorry over and over. I threw up a few times, felt so angry, sad, annoyed that I had sat in while they met, I had worked my arse off for our future and she had been planning to move near him, he said he was afraid as she was making plans he knew would never happen. I have verified all of it from her and he has told me the truth, which has been a main part while our reconciling is successful.

 

For ages afterwards I felt ashamed, I felt stupid, I felt sick, I couldn't stop looking for her in shops etc and wondered what I would do if I stayed living there. I moved 250 miles away, I couldn't trust myself to not knock her head off her shoulders as she started a truly mad pursuit of me, she did some bad, bad stuff and had she been within arm distance at that time I would have buried her. My job wouldn't allow me to do that, so I moved.

 

I never stopped loving H, I felt sorry for him. I insisted he went for help with PTSD, when it all came out I could see very clearly why an A was almost inevitable, that and the destructive behaviour. i would never have accepted how he was to her, I took him to task for some of the things he said and did to her and he says it is that, that made him see clearly how stupid he had been. We learned to communicate better, I learned to stop shielding him from stress, he how to deal with it better.

 

We are together despite the affair, our lives have drastically changed, mainly through my illness, he has learned he cannot fix everything, my illness being the main one, he cannot change what happened to his group in Iraq, that he can only change how he deal with things. It is a work in progress. We will never be the same, no more blind trust but I do trust him. I have forgiven him, he has yet to forgive himself, that is a work in progress. But, we are happy, very happy, not just coping, but loving our life. We are always grateful we stuck it out, but wish we had arrived where we are now without the A as part of our history, a small part of it, but nevertheless.

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ShatteredLady

Seren. What a true & tragic description of what d-day feels like. I was too sick to dance but also grabbed the only bottle of alcohol in the house...I just needed anything to stop the crazy, panicked, insanity. I curled on the bathroom floor & only moved to vomit & finally get tissue.

 

I'm glad you guys have pulled together so well. It's so bloody hard isn't it? Ugh!!

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Rage.... far worst then mad or deluded,

When the PI showed me all the evidence there was no R. on the table.

Divorce WAS THE ONLY OPTION.

Now life is better, even if the ex still is stalking! :lmao:

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Sick. Literally like I wanted to vomit. I guess that was shock. Scared because I couldn't envisage life without him. H spent 24 hours gaslighting me, blaming me (in his own oblique way), told me he didn't know what he wanted, and letting me swing in the wind without any reassurance at all. I was sick and scared to death the whole time.

 

Next day I asked a friend of ours to come round to see me as I was in such a mess - she did so and he rang her to ask how I was. He heard me sobbing and he came rushing back from work to tell me he was sorry and that he wasn't going anywhere. I was on cloud 9 (:mad:) for another 24 hours until we got a chance to talk properly and he told me exactly what has been going on. Then I got angry, then I found my inner steely-hearted b***c and managed to think clearly and tell him what I needed from him. It was truly the not knowing that screwed with me and made me weak.

 

I am so thankful he did tell me the facts fairly early on so that I could work from a position of strength. That is why IMO the lies are almost as damaging as the affair.

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40somethingGuy

I had noticed strange changes. When she discovered the hairy guy (OM) was in the area, she changed. She got odd and displayed all the classic flags that I was then un-aware of- I cant do anything right, always down on me, etc. Then, all of a sudden she was warm, happy, sexual, great to me. However, her phone was a part of her body and that bothered me. I actually did confront her about having an affair and I got the 'you are insecure' and 'what kind of person do you think I am?' Looked at me in the eye and lied.

 

 

One night in early April she left her phone downstairs while going upstairs to give kids a bath and I opened her phone and went right for the text string with her best friend. Quickly saw that the OM was an old flame from back in the day and I immediately figured out that the Scout's Den Mom's husband was the OM, a former lover of my WW. Went into that text string and it was long. Real long. Like I tried to scroll to the top and I couldn't get past the final few days. However, as I scrolled, I saw nude photos of my wife texted to him. I saw 'I love you' and other things that made me ill. Just then my son came down and said mom needed her phone and I gave it to him. At this point I had no idea what to do and I thought that maybe I should have just taken her phone, left the house and read the whole thing (although that would have literally have taken all night to accomplish). I was enraged and knew I couldn't hide my rage real long so I confronted an hour later. Of course, she deleted all the texts (some of which I was able to recover via hacking her phone). To this day I go back and forth on what I want to do. I am afraid if I leave that my love for her will drive me crazy and I really don't want some other guy co-raising my kids. However, I do want to find someone else that I don't have the burden of infidelity forever tainting my relationship. Infidelity has been a game changer for me. It really has. And it has left me in a limbo for 9 plus months that I can't decide to stay or go.

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